Bio me

I cannot control your emotions or you as a person; however, I will ask you to look at yourself. Not just surface stuff or things people have pointed out to you neither the good things about yourself nor the bad things but to step outside of yourself and look at your life as an outsider. Don’t brush what I just said off or think little of those sentences but really do what I just said.

When you look at yourself as an outsider, what do you see? Is it all that you would be proud of? Did you keep the promises to yourself as well as others? Are there aspects you would change or are you happy with what you’ve seen? Keep asking yourself many questions as if you were seeing yourself for the first time but ask these questions in the mirror. Dig deep and continuously letting everything out, truthfully, till you can stand in the mirror and say, “I am fine with the answer I am giving and if a stranger were to ask me I would be fine with my answer.” When you look don’t lie to your own face be honest because this is for you and no one else. Don’t give yourself the safe answer. Don’t answer as if you want to hear what you’re telling yourself to evade the emotions which will follow from your answers.

Pulling out all of those thoughts and emotions as well as the questions and answers, write down what you like/love about yourself, what you’re proud of, what you notice needs change, people you need to make amends to, a plan to acquire the life you want to live, a plan to change what you’ve seen as a hindrance to your life and finally steps you’re willing to make to place these words into actions.

Don’t compare now to the past and don’t reminisce or romanticize the past. Look at this as a plan to change the now into the future because you now are rewriting your history

This action plan needs to be daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. Because to just say I want to change this is and how I am going to change that is not enough. You need to write these actions down and a means to see the change occur. If the change is stagnant, keep working at it each time till it is improve by your plan’s standards. But all in all your changes need to be planned, seen, and acted.

I say all of this because I have personally gone through this myself and still do currently. I want you to understand me, even if I never speak or see you again. You know everything about me and in my openness I hope to help you make the moves to live your life more attainable.

I was not an abused child and I lived in a home of love. We had our ups and downs but I know I have an awesome (immediate) family. I did not have a horrible sibling rivalry or have to think my parents loved one child more than the other. I was taught many things that were building block to live an attainable live such as how to live with high standards, moral respect, global responsibility, self respect, and self responsibility.
My parents had a rocky relationship and tried to make it work for my sisters and but it was not meant for either of them to be together. This relationship was the molding block for many of my fears and concerns but even still I saw examples of good relationships. I was never taught hate for myself through my family and the actions of my adult life were not from the lessons and advice of my parents. These choices were all of my own actions from the lies I told myself to the self hate I acquired from the mistakes I made.
Yet from these mistakes, I have grown into the free spirit down to earth hypersensitive caring fun loving stubborn person I am today. I wouldn’t take back anything that has happened in my life because I wouldn’t be me, now. Each day I learn and each day I can make a mistake but in the end I can look at myself, be completely honest with what I’ve done to a complete stranger or my family and move on. I can be frank with other people about my experiences and hope he/she can learn something from me and me from them. These lessons have helped me to be non judgmental towards another person and be a little more accepting of the differences in each of our personalities as well as know when to follow and when to lead. When to listen and when to talk, now my family may disagree but they are the ones who really know me and can say as I’ve gotten older I have made some slight changes. Then again if I can yell scream and be immature around them then who can I. ha-ha. Its life and I’m learning to go with it each day and try to plan the rest of it the best I can. But eh there are some speed bumps along the way.

I’m not perfect and sometimes I have to remind myself that I am human and I am living to my standards not everyone else what I do is for me and God. If others appreciate it great if not that is their own personal problem. I have no problem from removing people who aren’t needed(well love right now is different sorry ß working on that one)in my life and I’m fine being in my own company. I know that little glitch will be worked out in time but as long as I keep my emotions in check and my logic reined in I’ll be fine. But to say right now I’m happy is a good feeling and I’m glad I took the step to remove my security blanket to give myself a chance to flourish and see me

Here it is

Am I doing time?
I’ve ask myself this question a lot lately. I am a slave to school and acquiring the best grade possible. I am moving next year and have no clue where I’m gonna get 3000 just in moving expenses as well as I have to find a job to cover all of my needs while I’m living there. Which I should add all needs to be done by May no later than June. I have to worry about my math class because if I don’t pass it I can’t get into ASU till the spring or next fall. Meaning my time line will so be out of whack and I will be really depressed, pissed, and even more determined. I miss the security of 40-hours a week and a paycheck to cover all my expense with cash left over each month. On top of that when I do graduate I’m going to be 20-30 thousand in debt so having that oh so fabulous life just will have to wait till I’m too old to care. Then finding that cash to finance the rest of my education is going to be a battle because I’m not a high school student and that is where a good bulk of the scholarships is. Then to add insult to injury I’m truly single again.
I know something will have to give and all things will work out because since I’ve been here it has been working out pretty well. I’m just stressing because I’d like to know how things are going to be beyond the now. Which this lesson is really hard for me to believe in blind faith and know that God will make a way I just need to believe. Slowly yet stubbornly I am learning and it feels good. I am becoming comfortable in who I am and just really want to lose more weight will top most things off.
The only issue is: me fighting with who I was to who I am. After trying and trying with Al and the relationship not panning out. I just want to give up on trying to find a man that matches me or even allowing God to place on in my life. I just don’t want to open up and get hurt again or trying and waiting only to waste 4 years on a pipe dream. I just want a person that complements me and benefits God yet it seems easier to just going back to friends with benefits without any expectations involved. I’m not hurt in that mind frame because I don’t really get to know the male as well he doesn’t really know me and I live my life.
Only issue with this is that I know I will be hurt because I want an emotional connection so badly that sacrificing that need to be with another person would depress me and cause me mental pain. Yet that old habit seems so alluring and so promising.
It’s just analyzing but I need to make a decision because I’ve told Jam that I would just be friends with benefits but I said that in the mist of hurting and being depressed. It sounds good and I feel protected but at the same time I feel as if I’m lying to myself and hurting myself because of Al. I want so much to feel what I wasted for the last 4 years that meaningless sex will somehow heal my heart. After Ste it’s been really hard cause I really cared I put myself back out there it was a complete turning point even though it was a 4 and a half month relationship. I was committed, I was there, I was her, and it ended cause of religion. Like I was perfect but since I was keeping his focus away and my views on religion differed than his then I wasn’t good enough. That still hurts to this day and I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since. If I’m really honest I’ve been chasing Nat and Jar characters for most of my life.
I’ve come to the slow understanding that I don’t love Al .I loved the idea of what I could have with him and I like who he was but not who he is and within this deep affection for him I have built this ideal character that he can’t live up to. Nor will he ever.
So all in all I’m hurt with myself for trying to make him into the 3 men that I truly loved in my life. That wasn’t fair to him and I can’t take it out on him. I have to just accept the fact that I can’t build a man into 3 distinct personalities that I love as well as hated about them.
There it is. I can’t be a fling girl .My heart can’t go back because I was hurting back then and I’m not hurting any more now. I’m happy. It’s not perfect but I’m happy. I worry about money and so many other things but I’m happy. I like who I am and I have an awesome intermediate family and close friends. To go back to being hurt would be like me trying to kill myself again and be institutionalized. I promised myself I could never go back to who I was at that point. God has given me another chance and even though I’m 27 I am going to make the best of this second chance. It took me a long time to appreciate this chance that I can’t just throw it away on some I didn’t love from the get go.
It a lesson learned. I’ve dusted myself off and I can move on. I will just keep the ol heart on the sleeve and keep on trucking because in the midst of my stubbornness I know He will pan this all out and I just need to be patient.

Simply unput

I just don’t understand the final outcome to this situation. I believed the words spoken to me but deep down inside as I reviewed the words, the timing, the text messages, and basically everything about our conversations I realized there is not an 'us'. This “us” was just something to do in the meantime for the someone else to come along. I can’t say it was a lie; this situation was just an opportune moment which was capitalized on because we wanted the benefits from the right actions to blossom in to right now results. I wanted to be loved as well as paid attention to so much I settled for something I was familiar with and not which was best for me in the long run. Who knows what he wanted.
I don’t believe the timing was off; it was the person who was off. I was trying to put a square peg into a circle and it just wasn’t working. I wanted him to be the one so the search would be over but he is not that one and if I am honest with myself I used him just as much as he used me. The last few weeks that we haven’t been talking I have come to the conclusion a person knows when they’re ready to commit to merge their life with another person. I mean stop the games, let the fear subside, and make the moves for being life partners with their match. See many men, and women, don’t understand when they say “I’m not ready yet because xy and yz aren’t in place yet for me to give you what is you deserve” is basically fear. Think about it do the superficial materialistic wants need to be met just make the final concrete plans possible? No, because God, hard work, dedication and other virtuous characteristics would have everything else falls into place. I mean the cliché saying goes,” you want it you’ll go after it” and all you have to do is make the first step and have faith.
I’ve noticed when I started going after what it was I wanted a lot of things made sense and I see life differently. I see people hiding behind excuses and justifications instead of just calling themselves out for the fear they have including the need to have approval and reassurance of the decision making of their life place is validated or correct. Simply put we are living for God and our personal self not the expectation another person may have. Because if he/she is truly to be in your life they will understand if everything is not PERFECT and will WORK with you to obtain the material needs. Things are black and white then personal understanding adds the color when the color is added that is when life becomes problematic, yet after reading that sentence we will still allow others impression of what the definition of being ready is dictate what each of us are able to do right now.
I don’t write this out of anger or dislike but more so out of frustration because I will never really know why he acted in this manor and even if I do get an answer I will always wonder if it is the truth. So all I can do is go on knowing what I’ve done and make adjustment from there which is what hope he will do. It’s not like I can’t make the connections to another person or start over again but the issues lies with being lazy to open myself up again and find another person I found this connection with.
Hopefully I learn from this and grow not to make the same mistakes three times but with the heart it’s so hard to be detached or even absentminded there is so much work to keep a level head and an open mind.

Pugnacious Amorousness

I haven't written in a while and with so much going on emotionally and in relationships I kinda needed to get my feelings out in a semi poem. It's not about someone in particular but about many particular someones. Read it and let me know your thoughts. Also look up the meaning of the title to this and maybe it will give a little insight too...

"Pugnacious Amorousness"

Mixed. Torn. Confused. Delusional.
So many words to describe so many feelings
Yet the cliché” time heal all, forgets all, and moves all” is what I have to
Depend on till, when
But when will this great healer called time work its miracle cure
Because today time is not healing and the agony of words that describe feelings are current
Like each intake of air as if I’m drowning in water waiting for a savior
Yet I have to be strong, remain neutral, keep my ground, and hope all things come around in, time
All the while I want to scream to be heard, heard to be held, held to be consulted, consulted till it’s made right
Yet I’m drowning in those feeling waiting for a savior, a savior who can make the wrong right, the right now, and the now permanent
But who wants to take the task of a flaying, screaming, uncontrollable body in the midst of drowning emotions to be that savior, the fairytale hero
There are many who would say, yes I am ... with the savior music in the background
Giving the empty promises of hope to save my soul from drowning
Others watch and wait for another to come be that hero then step in to take credit for the work
Only to back out when the truth come to light
Yet all the while neither wanting the aftercare treatment only the right now healing
How can one accept saving when saving has dual purpose?
Blindly go in forgetting the past or allow each savior, that so called hero to do what they can
When is it best to let go and hold on, hold on and be bitter, let go and be free.
There’s no manual no simple answer other than” time heal all, forgets all, and moves all”
Yet the question remains:
Is there one who would handle the cause of saving one from their inner drowning without a dual purpose?

Transistion

Can security come from change
to really understand and make a stance
fighting for sanity, respect, and equality
all the while screaming the opposite
to be the image of mental perfection
all the while living a false story
wanting so bad to have what one thinks he/she should
the life of the social plan.
How can the plan come to be when there are so many roads to obtain the
picturesque life?
Trying to climb while there is no security from change
questioning if the change is really worth it or worth it to remain the same
the inner turmoil when each say ," We're happy" when deep down the happiness
is only temporay like a CD being put on auto repeat to remain true
because the moment that CD stops the inner self is free to begin the need to feel secure
other thoughts race in
in the thoughts race
can one be true to their self ,when self wants to be loved, paid attention to, and so much more from another being including self when the end result is compromise or being alone.
While being alone one wants to change the stance of being clear and remaining true
while being in a compromise one wants to change and be alone so being true to self is intact.
Seemingly life is a big contradiction with small aspect being held on to no matter what the cost for self righteousness of being an individual or individually staying true to the concpet of being honest.When honestly we are all liars fighting a why to fit into an imperfect box in a bias world to be what we're told is happiness for success.

Am I really over this

Every time I hear the song “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson, I become relationship introspective. I think of all of the relationship with the ups and downs in my life. As each word is melodically sung, the lyrics ring so true about how cautious I have been in opening myself up in love. I’ve become a cynic better translation I’ve become a fearful cynic(oxymoron I know).Instead of being hopeful, I look for the dark rainstorm to appear over my head because I believe if I open up I will end up hurting. In the lyrics, Kelly sings" I play on the safe side because I don’t want to be hurt" but I look on the other side of the street and wonder can I ever become willing again to give love a second chance . Sometimes I don’t want to, because seeing my expectations and the effort I put into love fall through is so painful I’d rather hide and pretend love isn’t there. I know in time I move on and forget but when the hurt comes back all the past is drugged up with it, which caused the healing to take so long because with each painful blow is look back and think what did I do, or could of done, or simply why. The logical part of me wonders, is it truly fair to the next person to be held captive by the past pain that I have endured as well as put myself through. I battle with the logic because to know me is to know my struggle yet to deal with my struggle is a different story.
We love but do we really want to deal with the baggage that love can and may come with…
The need to write came from listening to the song but also a lot of the insecurities were drugged up because of some recent yet old feeling that I have yet to understand. A few days earlier, I get a text from someone I cut out of my inner circle asking me how I was doing. Now, most people would ignore the message and self reflect but I think God is an awesome comedian, I call the number to confirm who I thought it was and it was. So we have a basic conversation and then go our separate ways, then later on I get the "I missed you" message. I didn’t respond quickly because I didn’t know what to say.
I mean I missed the person too but I also came to the conclusion that we just weren’t meant to be and nothing is going to change without consistent character changes to suggest the idea of giving it a second go round. Now ask if you may 1) why call and 2) why hold a conversation. Well I feel that when people know they have done wrong and want to clear their mind, why not let them. It’s not like the person is going to be in my life the way they were and sometimes people do want to be heard out and clear their conscious, so I humor the person. I know that sooner or later the person will leave again and I won’t care either way ( as well I’ll have closure)but at least that person in their mind feels better about getting the “forgiveness” their mind so aches for( I have closure). In this instance, I got no closure and no apology so it throws my theory out the window and I am pinning to figure out what does this all mean and why, so that I can really move on.
Back to the "I miss you message". I told him that’s nice and I’ve missed him too but I would prefer if we are friends and omit the intimacy out of the relationship because it’s a lot for me to handle at this point(I didn’t tell him this : but nor do I want to feel like I did no more that 2 months ago). Since then I haven’t heard anything back and it’s not okay. I want to yell at him, “You come back after months of being gone, ignoring me when I want to make amends, then you act concern, tell me you miss me and because I don’t fawn over you momentary lapse of emotional concern, you… fucking disappear again. I need you to grow up emotionally and express to me how you feel instead of sulking because it didn’t go your way. I can’t understand or have empathy if you can convey your feelings/emotions not some kind of words. See this is why I cut you out of my life why I said let’s be friends cause of your reaction just like this and every time my words don’t go the way you planned them in your head.”
The cynic in me is like there has to be more of a reason than you miss and were thinking about me, there really has to be more than that. It is just hard for me to believe that after all this time those were the basic reasons for your reaching out to me. He tells me that I don’t understand him, but I do, on the other hand I don’t think he understands me. I know he wants the freedom of being single yet have a liberties of a relationship however to have the liberties you must first pay due. He wants to be free but yet can’t do the little things like call consistent and frequently enough to eliminate concerns and insecurities. See cause I am willing to let you do want you want but you have to give into the girlie aspect of the relationship and I think that is a hard concept for him to pick up .
On the other side of the coin, I felt bad but I wanted to be honest. I wanted him to know ahead of time we are not going down that road no matter how nice it sounds in theory it’s not happening in reality because I feel communicative and emotional wise he nor I are ready. Plus I don’t want to go through the training for him to be a better person for someone else.
Back to helping him become a better man. The truth of matter is if am going to go through the trial, the lesson, the fighting, and all the other crap that comes along with making a him a better man for him to leave me, get into a new relationship, and then realize I was right but be the perfect man for another woman is a slap in the face and causes the “Fuck no” response. As selfish as that is I want to put that effort into someone I know will be there for him and me to prosper. I want to go back to the way I felt on Monday as if he didn’t exist so that I can no longer give him the emotional control he partially has on me. I was almost there but just when I get to the point I’ve moved on he pops up and makes me question me and everything about my “strength”. Any suggestions would be great.

Miss

I miss him. Crazy huh?! When it was I who made the decision to cut him loose and attempt to move on from a non progressive relationship. This was not the typical move to force him to change or make him into someone I wanted him to be. It was because I was emotionally at my ropes end by trying to make those we spoke to each other words come to life everyday. Yet each waking moment the little things I miss and in the end days like this make me want to recant the words and pretend my choices didn’t happen. But I know 1) I'd be a hypocrite and 2)nothing will change, then I'll look like the fool ,the indecisive girl chasing a man that doesn’t want me. I promised myself that I would not be the girl chasing the guy who I knew didn’t want me, judged me, or was not ready to be completely committed.

As hard as it is to keep that promise, I have to. If I really think about it, I miss the idea of him. The close and quiet moments when the rest of world couldn’t come in and take his focus away. For the world to have the inability of conjuring up in his mind excuses, as to why his heart and actions aren’t in line. Those times I conjure my leading role and repeat the lines on the script, but all it does it put me back in the situation I am in, now, where I feel and think he is the one, but if I really play the role and read further into the script I see the loneliness and the longing to fill the hole. By revising the role, I want him to feel how I feel when the fairy tale ending isn’t there and to see on his own that we both have the same needs, goals and wants if the walls were let down. I can only try to show responsibility but I can not force the character on a person who is not ready for it.

I can't hide behind distance nor time because if I really care and I am really ready small holes in the ground can't stop a person from making a relationship work. Because true emotions will surpass the physical aspect of a relationship to cause a person to be committed even though seeing the person will be far and few. A little idealist, yes but if thoughts are put into the comment we all work towards something when it is not tangible each day until the fruits of labor produces latter on. So then, why are there conditions with distance and love? Many questions like this will arise and I'll have to justify the answer as I asked for too much and my standards were too high. Even the classics, I am too good for him and he just wasn’t the one.

All and all after fighting for change, showing my strengths, and readily being there could not give me what I want from him.But acknowledging my feeling will be the start for moving on and preparing myself for the right time.

Free Me

At this moment I feel liberated. Is it to say, that the next day I may feel defeated, who knows but I am going to step through each day as the next. However, I finally understand the meaning of; you are the one who can control how much emotion you can put into something. I would hear the saying that people only do what you allow them to and did not full understand its true meaning until it was applied in my own life. I recently had to let go of dead weight (I guess it is the best description of it). The weight was causing me to emotionally drain myself because I was pinning and fighting for something I could slowly see was not going to come to pass, like winning the lotto. During this time, the slow conclusion is: I want people in my life that if I need anything or they need anything from me, without hesitation, I can count on them and vice versa.
I started to notice that I would give and give but felt empty when my expectations were unmet.
I grew tired of being all to all and none to myself, which caused me to start dropping this dead weight.
I came to understand if I really want to be happy, I need people in my life who understand happiness and the ability to let go as well as be completely honest and finally have the ability to work towards or attain these things (or what will make them happy). I need overachievers and not people who wait for life to happen for them.
I tied this back to the reason I moved away, besides to go to school, but as well as to learn who I am away from the place I grew up and the people I know.
I wanted to understand who I am better and as well to fully appreciate the second chance I had been given in life.
To basically become and an outsider to my own life because to look outside in oneself, one is able to grasp a better understanding of who they are and make the needed changes. A person can't look in as easily as an outsider if he/she is living in the same cycle each day.
As I begin to understand, myself, in my current situation I begin to see as well as understand what being content is. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments when I am not happy but if I were to look at everything over all I am very content. If you ever become content, you begin to see life differently and read your moods and reactions to circumstances differently. Once I began to feel sad and emotionally drained by people who were taking me for granted or did not recognize my existence I needed to move my self away from them in the understanding that I do not need to yelp and fight for attention from someone who does not see the need for me in their inner circle.
It's hard to accept the fact that not every one is for every body, which can be a pretty lonely road but in the midst of the loneliness there is less drama and problems may that occur. Each person, me included, wants to be included in something to have people they can call friends to be accepted as well as needed. Yet, not having people in your life might teach people to become isolated, self reliant, and many other characteristics which are dependent on the person. In my case co-dependant. I want to have people around and don’t really like to really be alone. If I have to I will but I prefer not to. I hid the fact that I didn’t want to be alone in being extremely kind to other people and as time wore on I no longer wanted to be the person I was not but the balance of the person I was coming into.
I am beginning to believe God will place people in my life, in the right time, which will complement me and give me the same value I give them.
During these last few months, I have seen God do these things and my life has a balance that I have yearned for so many years. I thought balance was some elusive word that only rich people and the crazy had obtained but yet once I allowed God to do the work needed everything came together.
The little voice telling me to let go became stronger and the words I heard in a sermon once finally came to pass, "If a person walks, let them. Don't find ways to make them stay. Don’t deprive yourself of who you are and what God has for you for as His child by keeping people who mean you no good because if they can't show you their value in your life, God has not put them there instead you have."
It's difficult to let people go to feel vulnerable enough to say your time has pass and I can no longer fight for you or towards you to see me and complement me.
But each day that passes, I feel as if I have made the best decision for me

Could I be Right

I hate being right.
I knew he wasn’t going to follow through.
For some reason, I knew he would blame his kid for the reason as to why we can’t hang out but hey who am I to say that he is lying or really telling the truth.
In these types of circumstances it is really hard to find the truth or believe the words coming forth from his mouth. My gut tells me to call him a liar and move on but my heart says to be open and give another chance.
Yet, I want to give in the towel and call it what I feel it is, bullshit. That is what I feel it is where the words don’t meet the actions and the actions are never seen. Im sorry but this is not God faith where I know that I know to just believe. This is man and he is bound to fail. I want to be more optimistic that he will actually follow through but I highly doubt it I’ve waited for a year and I’m still getting the same crap from 6 months ago.
But I wonder why I still wait. There was nothing hugely spectacular about our relationship for me to want to try again to see what could have been. Is that what I’m doing? Trying to find out what could have been? If that is the case I need to stop and let him find the right woman for him and move on because blind faith and toilet hope is causing me to become hard and skeptical to a man I know is not ready for me and I don’t think ever will be.
Empty promises from an old time
Filling the silence with dead words
Hoping these promises will heal the hurt and the Distain with in
Hoping the dead weight of the words will make me stay
Make me wait till time is on your side
Empathy will only hold for so long
Patience is only a virtuous action of the best actors
See if in the morning of your loneliness if I am there
Because games of the previous times have finally produced their results
Poor or well
These empty promises from an old time
Will remain as dead words in the air spoken from the lips
Of old
The all of a sudden he shows up the last week I am here being who he always is charming and charismatic. I fell for it I’m not going to lie. I heard the words and more promises but in the back of my mind I know this isn’t going to happen for us. There are too many probability words throw around for me to say without a LOGICAL shadow of a doubt there is any future in these words. I loved hearing what I thought was true. And then, bam, something happens where it questions what I am truly doing here rethink my own words and actions which causes me to go into a shell to prevent any future hurt.
I don’t want to be the girl pining in the wings the one hoping pushing pulling and trying for a relationship where the other party is just in it for the motional painful fun of it all. Then again all of what I am saying is based off of one side, mine. But in a sense is that not what matters most that my thoughts dictate my course of action and how I feel about the beginning middle and end results? I want to believe in a way I need to believe that I found my other half in a past ex but at the same time we both have grown since being teenagers yet even as an adult I still have this unexplainable attraction towards him not a what if not an attempt to feign a relationship out of nothing but a genuine sincerity. It’s like I can look past some of the issues he has and still like him be in the midst of working and wonder how he’s doing and if he’s okay. Now mind you I’ve dealt with a lot from him, since we started being ”friends” again but I still wondering are the feelings really really mutual .
It’s the back and forth because all in all his words don’t meet up with his action and there is always some unforeseen problem that stops him from keeping his promise to me. I think that is the problem for me and once that disappears will my doubts and curiosity stop as well?