Musings of My World

Love conquers all , ha , such a fallacy!

2009-11-30T17:05:00.000-08:00

So this has been bothering me for a while, maybe ,I am a cynic or a little to literal but go with me on this and tell me what you think Many people seem to use the phrase “ Love conquers all” to describe being completely in love with someone that no matter the situation the love between them will get them through.

By definition conquer means: to gain or acquire by force of arms : subjugate , to overcome by force of arms :vanquish , to gain mastery over or win by overcoming obstacles or opposition , to overcome by mental or moral power : surmount and finally the biblical definition from Rom 8:37 :No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

By definition love means: strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties ,attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers , affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests b : an assurance of love , warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion , a : unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another: as (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind (2) : brotherly concern for others b : a person's adoration of God, a god or personification of love, to like or desire actively : take pleasure in , to thrive in and finally the biblical definition from I Cor. 13:4-7 :Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

With the definition of the two words, how can love conquer all? If using the definitions of the two words about how can such a postive feeling therefore take by a negitive action to conquer any situation?

Think about it....

I think people take words out of the context it is ment for to therefor justify an action or emotional state instead of taking the time to clearly understand what it is he/she is trying to express.

Think about this...

That being IN love does not simply make every situation all better, yes, your state of mind while being in love assist in he/she believing the situation is being conquer . But, if we delve, we can see that being in love with another person IN CONJUNCTION with other attributes(trust, communication, hard work, ect.) will aide in conquering many situation not just love alone. Because love is the final outcome to many other aspects such as personalities, sexual desire, chemistry, enjoyment of that persons company, or even appearance to make the decision in your mind to say , "Hey, I love this person."

So maybe...

We can start saying, "many things about this person and us being together has helped me or us conquer our/my situation".

Pow

2009-04-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

I prayed this morning.
I prayed for the ability to be strong to let go and move on.
Yet I woke up today and prayed to have the ability to kill to feel the hurt I could inflict on another man. How can I be the same person with a dual persona?
I want to grow and I want to inflict pain.
That sweet power to see the tears and the pleas to stop yet ignore them for my own benefit. To know that will not heal me but the animalistic side just wants to hear the scream and feel the “punishment” being given.
Can I even move on with all the anger built up just wanting to go Columbine in that dark coat with a gun underneath .Seeing all the people run just from the sheer force of death that I control in that moment. Oh my, could I be a god to those people in the same breath in their last moments of life. Wielding the control of the simple human need
The yearning to live.
Just a crazy ranting of a girl hurt but her own hands lying to herself believing in the lies called words. So hurt and angry for the last time. Tired of repeating the same hurt because I refuse to deal with why I complete the actions I make.
Want to take all those names and faces like a thief in the shadows and stick em up for the falsifying love make em give what I gave back. Bitch slap em with the colt45 see the wince of pain physically not emotionally and feel justice for my heart. Yet if I’m slapping around like a thief I gotta save that last hit for myself.

Bio me

2008-11-17T00:08:00.000-08:00

I cannot control your emotions or you as a person; however, I will ask you to look at yourself. Not just surface stuff or things people have pointed out to you neither the good things about yourself nor the bad things but to step outside of yourself and look at your life as an outsider. Don’t brush what I just said off or think little of those sentences but really do what I just said.

When you look at yourself as an outsider, what do you see? Is it all that you would be proud of? Did you keep the promises to yourself as well as others? Are there aspects you would change or are you happy with what you’ve seen? Keep asking yourself many questions as if you were seeing yourself for the first time but ask these questions in the mirror. Dig deep and continuously letting everything out, truthfully, till you can stand in the mirror and say, “I am fine with the answer I am giving and if a stranger were to ask me I would be fine with my answer.” When you look don’t lie to your own face be honest because this is for you and no one else. Don’t give yourself the safe answer. Don’t answer as if you want to hear what you’re telling yourself to evade the emotions which will follow from your answers.

Pulling out all of those thoughts and emotions as well as the questions and answers, write down what you like/love about yourself, what you’re proud of, what you notice needs change, people you need to make amends to, a plan to acquire the life you want to live, a plan to change what you’ve seen as a hindrance to your life and finally steps you’re willing to make to place these words into actions.

Don’t compare now to the past and don’t reminisce or romanticize the past. Look at this as a plan to change the now into the future because you now are rewriting your history

This action plan needs to be daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. Because to just say I want to change this is and how I am going to change that is not enough. You need to write these actions down and a means to see the change occur. If the change is stagnant, keep working at it each time till it is improve by your plan’s standards. But all in all your changes need to be planned, seen, and acted.

I say all of this because I have personally gone through this myself and still do currently. I want you to understand me, even if I never speak or see you again. You know everything about me and in my openness I hope to help you make the moves to live your life more attainable.

I was not an abused child and I lived in a home of love. We had our ups and downs but I know I have an awesome (immediate) family. I did not have a horrible sibling rivalry or have to think my parents loved one child more than the other. I was taught many things that were building block to live an attainable live such as how to live with high standards, moral respect, global responsibility, self respect, and self responsibility.
My parents had a rocky relationship and tried to make it work for my sisters and but it was not meant for either of them to be together. This relationship was the molding block for many of my fears and concerns but even still I saw examples of good relationships. I was never taught hate for myself through my family and the actions of my adult life were not from the lessons and advice of my parents. These choices were all of my own actions from the lies I told myself to the self hate I acquired from the mistakes I made.
Yet from these mistakes, I have grown into the free spirit down to earth hypersensitive caring fun loving stubborn person I am today. I wouldn’t take back anything that has happened in my life because I wouldn’t be me, now. Each day I learn and each day I can make a mistake but in the end I can look at myself, be completely honest with what I’ve done to a complete stranger or my family and move on. I can be frank with other people about my experiences and hope he/she can learn something from me and me from them. These lessons have helped me to be non judgmental towards another person and be a little more accepting of the differences in each of our personalities as well as know when to follow and when to lead. When to listen and when to talk, now my family may disagree but they are the ones who really know me and can say as I’ve gotten older I have made some slight changes. Then again if I can yell scream and be immature around them then who can I. ha-ha. Its life and I’m learning to go with it each day and try to plan the rest of it the best I can. But eh there are some speed bumps along the way.

I’m not perfect and sometimes I have to remind myself that I am human and I am living to my standards not everyone else what I do is for me and God. If others appreciate it great if not that is their own personal problem. I have no problem from removing people who aren’t needed(well love right now is different sorry ß working on that one)in my life and I’m fine being in my own company. I know that little glitch will be worked out in time but as long as I keep my emotions in check and my logic reined in I’ll be fine. But to say right now I’m happy is a good feeling and I’m glad I took the step to remove my security blanket to give myself a chance to flourish and see me

Here it is

2008-11-16T23:48:00.000-08:00

Am I doing time?
I’ve ask myself this question a lot lately. I am a slave to school and acquiring the best grade possible. I am moving next year and have no clue where I’m gonna get 3000 just in moving expenses as well as I have to find a job to cover all of my needs while I’m living there. Which I should add all needs to be done by May no later than June. I have to worry about my math class because if I don’t pass it I can’t get into ASU till the spring or next fall. Meaning my time line will so be out of whack and I will be really depressed, pissed, and even more determined. I miss the security of 40-hours a week and a paycheck to cover all my expense with cash left over each month. On top of that when I do graduate I’m going to be 20-30 thousand in debt so having that oh so fabulous life just will have to wait till I’m too old to care. Then finding that cash to finance the rest of my education is going to be a battle because I’m not a high school student and that is where a good bulk of the scholarships is. Then to add insult to injury I’m truly single again.
I know something will have to give and all things will work out because since I’ve been here it has been working out pretty well. I’m just stressing because I’d like to know how things are going to be beyond the now. Which this lesson is really hard for me to believe in blind faith and know that God will make a way I just need to believe. Slowly yet stubbornly I am learning and it feels good. I am becoming comfortable in who I am and just really want to lose more weight will top most things off.
The only issue is: me fighting with who I was to who I am. After trying and trying with Al and the relationship not panning out. I just want to give up on trying to find a man that matches me or even allowing God to place on in my life. I just don’t want to open up and get hurt again or trying and waiting only to waste 4 years on a pipe dream. I just want a person that complements me and benefits God yet it seems easier to just going back to friends with benefits without any expectations involved. I’m not hurt in that mind frame because I don’t really get to know the male as well he doesn’t really know me and I live my life.
Only issue with this is that I know I will be hurt because I want an emotional connection so badly that sacrificing that need to be with another person would depress me and cause me mental pain. Yet that old habit seems so alluring and so promising.
It’s just analyzing but I need to make a decision because I’ve told Jam that I would just be friends with benefits but I said that in the mist of hurting and being depressed. It sounds good and I feel protected but at the same time I feel as if I’m lying to myself and hurting myself because of Al. I want so much to feel what I wasted for the last 4 years that meaningless sex will somehow heal my heart. After Ste it’s been really hard cause I really cared I put myself back out there it was a complete turning point even though it was a 4 and a half month relationship. I was committed, I was there, I was her, and it ended cause of religion. Like I was perfect but since I was keeping his focus away and my views on religion differed than his then I wasn’t good enough. That still hurts to this day and I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since. If I’m really honest I’ve been chasing Nat and Jar characters for most of my life.
I’ve come to the slow understanding that I don’t love Al .I loved the idea of what I could have with him and I like who he was but not who he is and within this deep affection for him I have built this ideal character that he can’t live up to. Nor will he ever.
So all in all I’m hurt with myself for trying to make him into the 3 men that I truly loved in my life. That wasn’t fair to him and I can’t take it out on him. I have to just accept the fact that I can’t build a man into 3 distinct personalities that I love as well as hated about them.
There it is. I can’t be a fling girl .My heart can’t go back because I was hurting back then and I’m not hurting any more now. I’m happy. It’s not perfect but I’m happy. I worry about money and so many other things but I’m happy. I like who I am and I have an awesome intermediate family and close friends. To go back to being hurt would be like me trying to kill myself again and be institutionalized. I promised myself I could never go back to who I was at that point. God has given me another chance and even though I’m 27 I am going to make the best of this second chance. It took me a long time to appreciate this chance that I can’t just throw it away on some I didn’t love from the get go.
It a lesson learned. I’ve dusted myself off and I can move on. I will just keep the ol heart on the sleeve and keep on trucking because in the midst of my stubbornness I know He will pan this all out and I just need to be patient.

Simply unput

2008-09-19T13:06:00.001-07:00

I just don’t understand the final outcome to this situation. I believed the words spoken to me but deep down inside as I reviewed the words, the timing, the text messages, and basically everything about our conversations I realized there is not an 'us'. This “us” was just something to do in the meantime for the someone else to come along. I can’t say it was a lie; this situation was just an opportune moment which was capitalized on because we wanted the benefits from the right actions to blossom in to right now results. I wanted to be loved as well as paid attention to so much I settled for something I was familiar with and not which was best for me in the long run. Who knows what he wanted.
I don’t believe the timing was off; it was the person who was off. I was trying to put a square peg into a circle and it just wasn’t working. I wanted him to be the one so the search would be over but he is not that one and if I am honest with myself I used him just as much as he used me. The last few weeks that we haven’t been talking I have come to the conclusion a person knows when they’re ready to commit to merge their life with another person. I mean stop the games, let the fear subside, and make the moves for being life partners with their match. See many men, and women, don’t understand when they say “I’m not ready yet because xy and yz aren’t in place yet for me to give you what is you deserve” is basically fear. Think about it do the superficial materialistic wants need to be met just make the final concrete plans possible? No, because God, hard work, dedication and other virtuous characteristics would have everything else falls into place. I mean the cliché saying goes,” you want it you’ll go after it” and all you have to do is make the first step and have faith.
I’ve noticed when I started going after what it was I wanted a lot of things made sense and I see life differently. I see people hiding behind excuses and justifications instead of just calling themselves out for the fear they have including the need to have approval and reassurance of the decision making of their life place is validated or correct. Simply put we are living for God and our personal self not the expectation another person may have. Because if he/she is truly to be in your life they will understand if everything is not PERFECT and will WORK with you to obtain the material needs. Things are black and white then personal understanding adds the color when the color is added that is when life becomes problematic, yet after reading that sentence we will still allow others impression of what the definition of being ready is dictate what each of us are able to do right now.
I don’t write this out of anger or dislike but more so out of frustration because I will never really know why he acted in this manor and even if I do get an answer I will always wonder if it is the truth. So all I can do is go on knowing what I’ve done and make adjustment from there which is what hope he will do. It’s not like I can’t make the connections to another person or start over again but the issues lies with being lazy to open myself up again and find another person I found this connection with.
Hopefully I learn from this and grow not to make the same mistakes three times but with the heart it’s so hard to be detached or even absentminded there is so much work to keep a level head and an open mind.

Pugnacious Amorousness

2008-08-25T19:47:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while and with so much going on emotionally and in relationships I kinda needed to get my feelings out in a semi poem. It's not about someone in particular but about many particular someones. Read it and let me know your thoughts. Also look up the meaning of the title to this and maybe it will give a little insight too...

"Pugnacious Amorousness"

Mixed. Torn. Confused. Delusional.
So many words to describe so many feelings
Yet the cliché” time heal all, forgets all, and moves all” is what I have to
Depend on till, when
But when will this great healer called time work its miracle cure
Because today time is not healing and the agony of words that describe feelings are current
Like each intake of air as if I’m drowning in water waiting for a savior
Yet I have to be strong, remain neutral, keep my ground, and hope all things come around in, time
All the while I want to scream to be heard, heard to be held, held to be consulted, consulted till it’s made right
Yet I’m drowning in those feeling waiting for a savior, a savior who can make the wrong right, the right now, and the now permanent
But who wants to take the task of a flaying, screaming, uncontrollable body in the midst of drowning emotions to be that savior, the fairytale hero
There are many who would say, yes I am ... with the savior music in the background
Giving the empty promises of hope to save my soul from drowning
Others watch and wait for another to come be that hero then step in to take credit for the work
Only to back out when the truth come to light
Yet all the while neither wanting the aftercare treatment only the right now healing
How can one accept saving when saving has dual purpose?
Blindly go in forgetting the past or allow each savior, that so called hero to do what they can
When is it best to let go and hold on, hold on and be bitter, let go and be free.
There’s no manual no simple answer other than” time heal all, forgets all, and moves all”
Yet the question remains:
Is there one who would handle the cause of saving one from their inner drowning without a dual purpose?

Transistion

2008-07-11T20:02:00.000-07:00

Can security come from change
to really understand and make a stance
fighting for sanity, respect, and equality
all the while screaming the opposite
to be the image of mental perfection
all the while living a false story
wanting so bad to have what one thinks he/she should
the life of the social plan.
How can the plan come to be when there are so many roads to obtain the
picturesque life?
Trying to climb while there is no security from change
questioning if the change is really worth it or worth it to remain the same
the inner turmoil when each say ," We're happy" when deep down the happiness
is only temporay like a CD being put on auto repeat to remain true
because the moment that CD stops the inner self is free to begin the need to feel secure
other thoughts race in
in the thoughts race
can one be true to their self ,when self wants to be loved, paid attention to, and so much more from another being including self when the end result is compromise or being alone.
While being alone one wants to change the stance of being clear and remaining true
while being in a compromise one wants to change and be alone so being true to self is intact.
Seemingly life is a big contradiction with small aspect being held on to no matter what the cost for self righteousness of being an individual or individually staying true to the concpet of being honest.When honestly we are all liars fighting a why to fit into an imperfect box in a bias world to be what we're told is happiness for success.

Am I really over this

2008-05-06T20:23:00.001-07:00

Every time I hear the song “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson, I become relationship introspective. I think of all of the relationship with the ups and downs in my life. As each word is melodically sung, the lyrics ring so true about how cautious I have been in opening myself up in love. I’ve become a cynic better translation I’ve become a fearful cynic(oxymoron I know).Instead of being hopeful, I look for the dark rainstorm to appear over my head because I believe if I open up I will end up hurting. In the lyrics, Kelly sings" I play on the safe side because I don’t want to be hurt" but I look on the other side of the street and wonder can I ever become willing again to give love a second chance . Sometimes I don’t want to, because seeing my expectations and the effort I put into love fall through is so painful I’d rather hide and pretend love isn’t there. I know in time I move on and forget but when the hurt comes back all the past is drugged up with it, which caused the healing to take so long because with each painful blow is look back and think what did I do, or could of done, or simply why. The logical part of me wonders, is it truly fair to the next person to be held captive by the past pain that I have endured as well as put myself through. I battle with the logic because to know me is to know my struggle yet to deal with my struggle is a different story.
We love but do we really want to deal with the baggage that love can and may come with…
The need to write came from listening to the song but also a lot of the insecurities were drugged up because of some recent yet old feeling that I have yet to understand. A few days earlier, I get a text from someone I cut out of my inner circle asking me how I was doing. Now, most people would ignore the message and self reflect but I think God is an awesome comedian, I call the number to confirm who I thought it was and it was. So we have a basic conversation and then go our separate ways, then later on I get the "I missed you" message. I didn’t respond quickly because I didn’t know what to say.
I mean I missed the person too but I also came to the conclusion that we just weren’t meant to be and nothing is going to change without consistent character changes to suggest the idea of giving it a second go round. Now ask if you may 1) why call and 2) why hold a conversation. Well I feel that when people know they have done wrong and want to clear their mind, why not let them. It’s not like the person is going to be in my life the way they were and sometimes people do want to be heard out and clear their conscious, so I humor the person. I know that sooner or later the person will leave again and I won’t care either way ( as well I’ll have closure)but at least that person in their mind feels better about getting the “forgiveness” their mind so aches for( I have closure). In this instance, I got no closure and no apology so it throws my theory out the window and I am pinning to figure out what does this all mean and why, so that I can really move on.
Back to the "I miss you message". I told him that’s nice and I’ve missed him too but I would prefer if we are friends and omit the intimacy out of the relationship because it’s a lot for me to handle at this point(I didn’t tell him this : but nor do I want to feel like I did no more that 2 months ago). Since then I haven’t heard anything back and it’s not okay. I want to yell at him, “You come back after months of being gone, ignoring me when I want to make amends, then you act concern, tell me you miss me and because I don’t fawn over you momentary lapse of emotional concern, you… fucking disappear again. I need you to grow up emotionally and express to me how you feel instead of sulking because it didn’t go your way. I can’t understand or have empathy if you can convey your feelings/emotions not some kind of words. See this is why I cut you out of my life why I said let’s be friends cause of your reaction just like this and every time my words don’t go the way you planned them in your head.”
The cynic in me is like there has to be more of a reason than you miss and were thinking about me, there really has to be more than that. It is just hard for me to believe that after all this time those were the basic reasons for your reaching out to me. He tells me that I don’t understand him, but I do, on the other hand I don’t think he understands me. I know he wants the freedom of being single yet have a liberties of a relationship however to have the liberties you must first pay due. He wants to be free but yet can’t do the little things like call consistent and frequently enough to eliminate concerns and insecurities. See cause I am willing to let you do want you want but you have to give into the girlie aspect of the relationship and I think that is a hard concept for him to pick up .
On the other side of the coin, I felt bad but I wanted to be honest. I wanted him to know ahead of time we are not going down that road no matter how nice it sounds in theory it’s not happening in reality because I feel communicative and emotional wise he nor I are ready. Plus I don’t want to go through the training for him to be a better person for someone else.
Back to helping him become a better man. The truth of matter is if am going to go through the trial, the lesson, the fighting, and all the other crap that comes along with making a him a better man for him to leave me, get into a new relationship, and then realize I was right but be the perfect man for another woman is a slap in the face and causes the “Fuck no” response. As selfish as that is I want to put that effort into someone I know will be there for him and me to prosper. I want to go back to the way I felt on Monday as if he didn’t exist so that I can no longer give him the emotional control he partially has on me. I was almost there but just when I get to the point I’ve moved on he pops up and makes me question me and everything about my “strength”. Any suggestions would be great.

Miss

2008-03-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

I miss him. Crazy huh?! When it was I who made the decision to cut him loose and attempt to move on from a non progressive relationship. This was not the typical move to force him to change or make him into someone I wanted him to be. It was because I was emotionally at my ropes end by trying to make those we spoke to each other words come to life everyday. Yet each waking moment the little things I miss and in the end days like this make me want to recant the words and pretend my choices didn’t happen. But I know 1) I'd be a hypocrite and 2)nothing will change, then I'll look like the fool ,the indecisive girl chasing a man that doesn’t want me. I promised myself that I would not be the girl chasing the guy who I knew didn’t want me, judged me, or was not ready to be completely committed.

As hard as it is to keep that promise, I have to. If I really think about it, I miss the idea of him. The close and quiet moments when the rest of world couldn’t come in and take his focus away. For the world to have the inability of conjuring up in his mind excuses, as to why his heart and actions aren’t in line. Those times I conjure my leading role and repeat the lines on the script, but all it does it put me back in the situation I am in, now, where I feel and think he is the one, but if I really play the role and read further into the script I see the loneliness and the longing to fill the hole. By revising the role, I want him to feel how I feel when the fairy tale ending isn’t there and to see on his own that we both have the same needs, goals and wants if the walls were let down. I can only try to show responsibility but I can not force the character on a person who is not ready for it.

I can't hide behind distance nor time because if I really care and I am really ready small holes in the ground can't stop a person from making a relationship work. Because true emotions will surpass the physical aspect of a relationship to cause a person to be committed even though seeing the person will be far and few. A little idealist, yes but if thoughts are put into the comment we all work towards something when it is not tangible each day until the fruits of labor produces latter on. So then, why are there conditions with distance and love? Many questions like this will arise and I'll have to justify the answer as I asked for too much and my standards were too high. Even the classics, I am too good for him and he just wasn’t the one.

All and all after fighting for change, showing my strengths, and readily being there could not give me what I want from him.But acknowledging my feeling will be the start for moving on and preparing myself for the right time.

Free Me

2008-03-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

At this moment I feel liberated. Is it to say, that the next day I may feel defeated, who knows but I am going to step through each day as the next. However, I finally understand the meaning of; you are the one who can control how much emotion you can put into something. I would hear the saying that people only do what you allow them to and did not full understand its true meaning until it was applied in my own life. I recently had to let go of dead weight (I guess it is the best description of it). The weight was causing me to emotionally drain myself because I was pinning and fighting for something I could slowly see was not going to come to pass, like winning the lotto. During this time, the slow conclusion is: I want people in my life that if I need anything or they need anything from me, without hesitation, I can count on them and vice versa.
I started to notice that I would give and give but felt empty when my expectations were unmet.
I grew tired of being all to all and none to myself, which caused me to start dropping this dead weight.
I came to understand if I really want to be happy, I need people in my life who understand happiness and the ability to let go as well as be completely honest and finally have the ability to work towards or attain these things (or what will make them happy). I need overachievers and not people who wait for life to happen for them.
I tied this back to the reason I moved away, besides to go to school, but as well as to learn who I am away from the place I grew up and the people I know.
I wanted to understand who I am better and as well to fully appreciate the second chance I had been given in life.
To basically become and an outsider to my own life because to look outside in oneself, one is able to grasp a better understanding of who they are and make the needed changes. A person can't look in as easily as an outsider if he/she is living in the same cycle each day.
As I begin to understand, myself, in my current situation I begin to see as well as understand what being content is. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments when I am not happy but if I were to look at everything over all I am very content. If you ever become content, you begin to see life differently and read your moods and reactions to circumstances differently. Once I began to feel sad and emotionally drained by people who were taking me for granted or did not recognize my existence I needed to move my self away from them in the understanding that I do not need to yelp and fight for attention from someone who does not see the need for me in their inner circle.
It's hard to accept the fact that not every one is for every body, which can be a pretty lonely road but in the midst of the loneliness there is less drama and problems may that occur. Each person, me included, wants to be included in something to have people they can call friends to be accepted as well as needed. Yet, not having people in your life might teach people to become isolated, self reliant, and many other characteristics which are dependent on the person. In my case co-dependant. I want to have people around and don’t really like to really be alone. If I have to I will but I prefer not to. I hid the fact that I didn’t want to be alone in being extremely kind to other people and as time wore on I no longer wanted to be the person I was not but the balance of the person I was coming into.
I am beginning to believe God will place people in my life, in the right time, which will complement me and give me the same value I give them.
During these last few months, I have seen God do these things and my life has a balance that I have yearned for so many years. I thought balance was some elusive word that only rich people and the crazy had obtained but yet once I allowed God to do the work needed everything came together.
The little voice telling me to let go became stronger and the words I heard in a sermon once finally came to pass, "If a person walks, let them. Don't find ways to make them stay. Don’t deprive yourself of who you are and what God has for you for as His child by keeping people who mean you no good because if they can't show you their value in your life, God has not put them there instead you have."
It's difficult to let people go to feel vulnerable enough to say your time has pass and I can no longer fight for you or towards you to see me and complement me.
But each day that passes, I feel as if I have made the best decision for me

Could I be Right

2008-01-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

I hate being right.
I knew he wasn’t going to follow through.
For some reason, I knew he would blame his kid for the reason as to why we can’t hang out but hey who am I to say that he is lying or really telling the truth.
In these types of circumstances it is really hard to find the truth or believe the words coming forth from his mouth. My gut tells me to call him a liar and move on but my heart says to be open and give another chance.
Yet, I want to give in the towel and call it what I feel it is, bullshit. That is what I feel it is where the words don’t meet the actions and the actions are never seen. Im sorry but this is not God faith where I know that I know to just believe. This is man and he is bound to fail. I want to be more optimistic that he will actually follow through but I highly doubt it I’ve waited for a year and I’m still getting the same crap from 6 months ago.
But I wonder why I still wait. There was nothing hugely spectacular about our relationship for me to want to try again to see what could have been. Is that what I’m doing? Trying to find out what could have been? If that is the case I need to stop and let him find the right woman for him and move on because blind faith and toilet hope is causing me to become hard and skeptical to a man I know is not ready for me and I don’t think ever will be.
Empty promises from an old time
Filling the silence with dead words
Hoping these promises will heal the hurt and the Distain with in
Hoping the dead weight of the words will make me stay
Make me wait till time is on your side
Empathy will only hold for so long
Patience is only a virtuous action of the best actors
See if in the morning of your loneliness if I am there
Because games of the previous times have finally produced their results
Poor or well
These empty promises from an old time
Will remain as dead words in the air spoken from the lips
Of old
The all of a sudden he shows up the last week I am here being who he always is charming and charismatic. I fell for it I’m not going to lie. I heard the words and more promises but in the back of my mind I know this isn’t going to happen for us. There are too many probability words throw around for me to say without a LOGICAL shadow of a doubt there is any future in these words. I loved hearing what I thought was true. And then, bam, something happens where it questions what I am truly doing here rethink my own words and actions which causes me to go into a shell to prevent any future hurt.
I don’t want to be the girl pining in the wings the one hoping pushing pulling and trying for a relationship where the other party is just in it for the motional painful fun of it all. Then again all of what I am saying is based off of one side, mine. But in a sense is that not what matters most that my thoughts dictate my course of action and how I feel about the beginning middle and end results? I want to believe in a way I need to believe that I found my other half in a past ex but at the same time we both have grown since being teenagers yet even as an adult I still have this unexplainable attraction towards him not a what if not an attempt to feign a relationship out of nothing but a genuine sincerity. It’s like I can look past some of the issues he has and still like him be in the midst of working and wonder how he’s doing and if he’s okay. Now mind you I’ve dealt with a lot from him, since we started being ”friends” again but I still wondering are the feelings really really mutual .
It’s the back and forth because all in all his words don’t meet up with his action and there is always some unforeseen problem that stops him from keeping his promise to me. I think that is the problem for me and once that disappears will my doubts and curiosity stop as well?

Little Minded People

2007-11-16T10:40:00.001-08:00

I’ve never been the one for drama which is why I’m pretty upfront as well I only let a small number of people in my inner circle.
See my issue with large number of people is the different personalities and the ability for people to speak, idiotically.
Now I am not the one for confrontation because I know when I am upset I am not logical and reason will fly out the door( which is why the tell 'em how you feel when you feel is always my rule).
I hate when people speak indirectly about you instead of directly to you. Like I am supposed to understand that you’re talking about me. Like your words actually hold some kind of fear factor.
I hate when people have an issues and will be in the same vicinity as I am and say nothing. Duck and dodge the situation when it’s there the whole time but need a crowd to show how “mighty” they are not. This is all cause people are insecure and depend on others to make them a better person.
So when these pathetic people feel bad about their own lives or who they are as a person they have to agitate the cream of the crop.
That’s why I prefer emotionally stable, mature, self confident, strong willed people, positive, like minded people around me. Messing around with child like people makes a girl want to become violent and if you know me it takes a lot for me to become violent.
Don’t misunderstand my words as if what a dumb ass had to INDIRECTLY say to me bothers me, my problem is that I could not make my issues known because of small children in the vicinity. That’s the difference I am an adult who can respect a child than start a fight to stand my ground and principles. Where a small feeble minded people start drama in their own home around their own children cause they couldn’t say something prior to getting home.
Now the disrespectful thing is to make a comment around people that have nothing to do with the issues you have with me. Making a scene when your kids are around because you can’t handle your imaginary problems with out protection is frankly , pathetic.
I don’t like low self esteem females cause that is where all the drama insures from their inability to deal with themselves before dealing with the world. Causing problems to make themselves feel better is not going to change the fact that you’re a nobody in your own eyes
If you must ask what is the real issue: well it is , if people cant be an adult and come talk to me about issues but need to act foolish to handle their issues like a child and think they have the upper hand is the issue that has pissed me off.

Momentary Something

2007-09-26T17:57:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I maybe a bit bumpy since getting back in the “grove” of writing is foreign. Now I have been writing academically which is opposite to writing about personal crap. There is a prompt and from there the supporting evidence however since this is personal there is no prompt to follow and support.

Moving here to Flag has been a shock. Not saying this place is not beautiful because it is but the larger city has the diversity of people, the opportunity to go out and do something is what I miss. I would complain there is nothing to do, no where to go, and that was because I grew up in Sac but to move where there really is nothing to do is wow. Any case the people are polite and genuinely nice which is a contrast to a larger city because if I were to say hello to anyone in Sac it would be taken with a dose of skepticism. Now my biggest problem is truly seeing that I am a “minority” don’t get me wrong there is black people but to walk in the class and be the only “black” person is a bit shocking to walk in a town for 3 hours and see maybe 2 other blacks is hard to adapt to. No hair salons dedicated to black hair care needs no stores either I mean Wally world or Target have stuff but not compared to home. There are benefits like going for walks and seeing nature, involving my self with music, seeing my other family members more consistently, but that’s all. There are bars and stuff but going alone is fine but the fear of being alone still ties in to going all together. Idiotic but true. It’s not like I’m not personable but to what extent do I want to invite others drama into my somewhat simple and peaceful life. Alone is a new concept but to grow and change sometimes being alone is key. I am learning more about me as well as the community outside of me, this is not stating I am a changed person because old habits will arise. My anger and oversensitivity will rear its ugly head and self doubt is right behind it. Self doubt there has been a lot of that I mean I’m 26 and now I want to be a full time student I now what to see the world out side of my security of the “known and true” like is going to school to become something I think I want to become in business is worth being alone. Is personal mental strength really worth it? To live up to standards I am questioning worth a ping of sadness when I see groups of people who know each other and do stuff together. I mean walking down this road is it really worth what I am telling myself. This is not o feel sorry for me tell me that it’s going to be fine or anything of the sort I am just wondering and need to see what I am thinking into words maybe I might get an ah-ha light and figure it all out. Logic and emotions must fight to determine a common ground a goal as to why I am motivate to keep going or stop and go back to what I am comfortable with. I don’t think I will quit over a small emotion as loneliness but eh smaller things have caused major ripples.

Infatuated Love

2007-07-11T22:09:00.001-07:00

Falling in infatuation with one
Not seeing both sides to every song
Building a home with no foundation
Seeing a future with no past
Keeping the “love” alive during daydreams in the mind.
Never seeing signs of illusion that are fading out and reality setting in.
Ever been infatuated with a man only to know he doesn’t see you in the same light
To wonder when the getting to know stage disappears as soon as it starts
To find out that he’s infatuated with another person and you’re the last to know
It’s not desperation or despair but pain as if you were intimate with this person
But the intimacy is with words and never touches you. You hear sentence never used in the context spoken and hope so much for the right man to come in your life and speak to you in the manor he has for a few days.
Seems like you’re a helpless fool wasting time away pining for this right man. His words seem so right like God had planed the timing just right. But you know your relationship with God is poor so you’re left in the dark to figure out if it is worth pursuing or learning from. Since you’re left to your own devices the choices are
Become bitter and think all men are liars or
Move on and know that there are good men out there.
The choice lies with how many times this has happened in the past
If the past has been filled with lies the bitterness will resound
If the past has been filled with truth hope will come to light.
How ever truth can become lies and lies truth so the struggle will come with how each of us copes with failure.
Ah failure
The dust yourself off and try again routine
Like love is job and you haven’t found your fit.
See love is not as easy as life
Where you can pick yourself up and move on to bigger and better things.
See there is emotions behind each touch every word and those moments in time stick
Strong than a paycheck every 1st and 15th
You can’t go back to school to acquire a new degree a different out look on life
O that’s right we have to pick ourselves up and try again or wait on perfect timing.
See love is career choice that you must work hard on constantly changing and learning to stay profitable in the business.
The business of having the right one
But how when most of the loves in life are mere infatuations.

Ram Ramble

2007-06-18T23:10:00.001-07:00

I slept with him but does that make me feel better or curious any more, no. I guess I have no more curiosity about him. Typical male set up in the curiosities of my own mind

I’ll never know
What it feels like to not care to not put forth an effort to love a person
So strongly the world stops moving the second he comes into my path
Into my mind and seeps into my dreams.
I’ll never know
What it feels like to become bland and indifferent to not show such strong emotions and communicate what I feel So much so that the words in the English language become the canvas of my true desires.

I wrote these two set of sentences because right now that is how I feel. I give and tell. I work and show but nothing seems to work. I’m understanding and willing to give space but then it is taken advantage of. Then I am left with the missing pieces trying to figure out what have I done so wrong. Maybe it is that I hope too much and work so hard to make the relationship work that I am willing to become a blank canvas open and willing to what ever man comes into my life. Now don’t see this as becoming desperate there is a huge difference. I don’t need a man in my life but when I have one I don’t play a mystery game I let him know everything. I look at having a man (or anyone) in my life because they know me I cant do that if I am holding back so much I mean its best to tell all, give him the choice to be with me because I do not want to waste time in a relationship and one conversation slips out and the whole mood changes. .A lot of people will say you need to withhold till you know he is the one but I always wondered how I know he’s the one if I don’t tell him everything. If he wants sex and I don’t am I supposed to hold on to that till were lying in bed and then I tell him that? See that is the whole confusing part with dating or letting people in. When do you divulge the information? Then when I let go and let the person in I am shunned away like I’m not needed any more and all the wordy promise go out the window. Am I supposed to believe that all men are liars and out to hurt me?? This may sound like I'm hurt but I'm not. I’m just confused. My confusion lies with in the when do I tell and how much do I tell.

Life has circumstances which make you think.
I’m not happy when I don’t feel free. I hate knowing I am forced to work, even if it is for me, but to live the life I want I have to work to some standards. I have to abide by a set of rules. But I swear sometimes I want to quit the ideal views of this society and become a guitar playing panhandling bum.
I no longer want to feel like a caged bird and I have to peck my way out but the only way to make it in the American society is to live by the clock and the time the employer gives to me.
Believe me I am not so idealistic not to understand the dynamics of a business and the fact that a person chooses to have money and to do so the company needs able bodies to work and comply. I want to have my own company one day and I know I will become what I despise now a papertimecomplance mongrel. Funny, ironically, yes but at the same time idealistic people are sometimes the best conformist.
I want to say unhappiness is what is driving me to behave in this manor but I don’t mind working the job I have. At time I would love to be challenged more but eh

“The person who is slowest in making a promise is most faithful in its performance." - Jean Jacques Rousseau

I haven’t been writing many musing of myself lately because it seems to keep going in the same circle. Crappy, interesting, funny or sad things happen in my life and I write about it. I begin to over analyze it instead of just living the experience and moving on from it. I know each day is a step and each day I learn from things that occur in my life. Sometimes I forgot what has happened in my life until a situation comes up to jog my memory which I dwell on but sooner or later I need to move on. I am in a sense doing what I am complaining about, writing about stuff in my life. Yeah it’s a bit self –centered, but I think each person is because we want the world to revolve around us (a lot of the times we make the world appear that way). Even if we are self less, we still do selfish things for our own pleasure because happiness is a selfless and selfish emotion which teeters like “a thin line between love and hate”.

Just a few rambles of what’s been going on in my mind and yet I can never completely finish a full thought (as you can see). Augh helllp

Let it Go

2007-05-22T00:54:00.001-07:00

I originally wrote this on my myspace page(04/22/07) and decided to transfer it over to here.I needed to re-read this with everything going on and Id like to share this with anyone that stumbles onto my page. :)

Let it go for 2006..(07)
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they we not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift ,I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents..LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!! ( Well 07)

Crush

2007-05-22T00:39:00.000-07:00

I wrote this thinking about all of the men I have crushed over. I guess late at night and a lot on my mind cant really sleep .Even after walking 3 miles around midtown this am and getting something’s off of my mind (walking with a good listener takes some of the heat off).We walked and talk . We shared and confessed. I mean distant strangers sometimes are the best people to talk to because this person really doesn’t know you. However, I still have more because the constant wheels in my head are turning and I am beginning to feel almost light but yet I am feeling heavy. Too much to deal wit in one day. So here goes:

If I tell him my secret could I be free
Of the mind games and the delusions I play
Day in and day out of the what if and could be’s
Like a school girl I write his name on my book
Change my last name to his
Play the game of if he were mine would the loneliness cease to exist
The future we have, the quite moments we share, all in my mind
Because I am afraid to tell him he is
My secret crush
The fasciations and the childish boy meets girl tease
The façade of being his type the girl of his dreams
The fictional family and the imaginary fight with a make up scene
I want to change the world in his eye Be the one he truly desires but
If I tell him my secret would I be free
Only to know reality pulls the strings
Taking away the friend I have slowly acquired
To have the momentary freedom of a
Physical, emotional, and spiritual bond.
All a fantasy, the one played out in my mind, because
I have been placing this crush on a pedestal
Only to know
He will and could never live up to my dream
Because he is different from what I have conjured up in the
Recess of my mind
The picture perfect man
As the secret crush

Wondering

2007-05-15T10:43:00.002-07:00

Are there ever enough experiences in life that you want to just move on from?
Yes, everyday I breathe I just want to get to the point in my life that all this transitional shifting makes sense.
All the non sense, the self analysis, the purging, the happiness and pain could show some sort of true contentment.
I guess being in the middle of the storm I really can’t see the change I yearn for so desperately.
I think I am changing but then I see some of the same habits come back to light.
Its big mass of mess and I don’t really see why I am doing this.
I feel like I need to so I can become the person I think I am supposed to be.
But right now, is this all possible.
I dream of a new life and change
Yet will this come when I move
Or
Will I sill be me even after leaving what I have become accustomed to?
Sure I want companionship preferable marriage but the fish out there seem to be contaminated on purpose and the manufacture failed to tell me I was being poisoned.
This reminds me of a class on interpersonal relationship
There is a dot on your head and you attract the people to this dot
If you want to change the people that are attracted to this dot change you
I was floored when I heard this from the teacher and thought it was a wonderful idea until
I decided to change.
There is no road map, no guide, and no help when you want to change
Yes, I know self help book, groups, therapy, and ect
but this can not put the
ah ha
I don’t want to change
I see no need to change
I am content where I am
I don’t like it
but I (right now) don't want to push myself and see what is
beyond here and now
to actually be accountable for me
to just skate by is okay.
I am become stagnant
this has drained my zest to
have more
be more
and fulfill my true potential
*laughs*
I needed to write that
to see the "crash diet" I’ve put myself on
I need to take the time to divide up my life and
make a life change inside first then everything on the outside will come.
I say this now ~~but watch I'll be back with a new rendition of this song.~~ Whoa I need to be a little more positive here. I might really change. There that looks better
I will always be unhappy till I say
enough
I’m done with this
I am focused on changing
because i am no longer happy in this stage
And pick up me, dust me off, and progress
Until then I will be who I am and right now I am fairly ok.

Hug

2007-04-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

Pull
Withdrawn
Comforting
Safety
Security
No not this time won’t be pulled in
Resist the urge to fall to completely
release the Fear
the Unknown
The Time and energy
of this Touch
Strength
Sincerity
Desire
In a simple hug.

I sat down and tried to type out in a poem conveying how I feel but it was hard.

This all started a week and a day ago. I met an acquaintance while at the gym. We both went to the same JC and occasionally worked out at the same 24 but the difference now versus then was me. About 3 years ago, I was working out he approaches me and ask if I wanted to have fun in the sauna. Okay, so I went bi*** mode and told him a piece of my mind. After that point, I'd see him around but never spoke. If you've been where I have then you know the wanting party still speaks. Not necessarily verbally but visually. Either way I didn't care, till a week and a day ago.
I was sitting in the sauna and he walked in and sat down. Now, when I am sweating my life away I really prefer not to have a conversation because the sauna is my dead to the world time, which is why I bring my Ipod.

Ipod's, off subject, are the greatest people distraction ever. Don’t want to be bothered put the Ipod on and you're completely alone in a busy world.

I don’t know what happened to me that day. I was nice, goodness, nice. I say this because I've been down right mean to people. I'm mad at the relationships I've been in. I'm mad that bull keeps happening. I'm mad because people can be sh** and have the idea that I have to accept them for who they are. Well no actually I don’t. So to eliminate the dealing with the mass public I keep to my self and those who I like. But that day his smile was childlike trusting and his genuine concern for what I had been doing sine he left SCC was refreshing. So I instead of speaking to him in oh , unhumm , and yeah's I took off my head set and spoke. Trivial conversation we had. Nothing in depth , this was fine with me. As the conversation started to slow down I decided to leave. I was in the sauna longer than what I allowed myself and my hair was not a happy camper . I change into drier clothes to go home. As I am walking out towards my car, I hear, " Hey, you're walking a bit fast." I recognized the voice , turned around and told him, " Maybe you're walking too slow. I didn't think I needed to wait on you." I turned around and reached for my car door. Ironically he was parked right in front of me. I knew what was coming next, I actually loathe it. But I decided since I was nice before I'll be a flirty girl and play this game he has up his sleeve.
Him: So where are you going
Me : Not where you're going
Him: Stop being apprehensive, if I was going to do something it would all be on tape
Me: that doesn’t stop dumb a***s any other time .
Him: look , my name is K, I just want to see what you are all about. Talk away from here you’re beautiful
Me: I know your name. Thank you though. I'll stick with cute. Sure.. Life is full of moments pending from death. I'll follow you and see what your conversation is about. I just want friends so don’t get your hopes up.
Him: Aww.. I can cope with being you're friend but I'm forewarning you. You're going to make it hard for me to behave. You have this touch me look.
Me: o wow the lines are good. Why don’t you find my unattractive feature focus on that and just be my friend. Ever think of that.
Him: why would I do that
Me: because one day you will
Him: no. just follow ok.

We drive for about 10 min and meet at this park. He gets out so do I . We talk more. He ask why I don’t want more from him and asked if I call my family and gave them the run down on him. I explain I leave in 2.5 months that I don’t want to deal with the drama of a relationship, my current mental mood, and that I don’t want to have sex. (All which are male driven deterrents till my slowly stable life comes to be) I told home yes I called my mom and sis and gave a run down of the brief history I knew. He gives me the typical , " O I understand and I totally want to be your friend . I will respect your boundaries and move at "our" pace." As we're talking he ask mid sentence for a hug. Now mind you I'm sweaty from the gym . I just wanted to go home shower relax with my cat and drift into sleep. .. I tell him no, well for the obvious , and that I knew hugs as simple as they are can be springboards for more. After a few back and forth , I gave in.
I though it was going to a short hug and we'd go back to talking but no it was a very long hug. As if he was inspecting my shape engulfing my mind, searching for who I really am. I will admit the first couple of seconds I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want this . I could feel the femine side come out. I wanted to be there forever I wanted to tell him what ever he wanted from me was a yes but I knew he wanted more. The more I couldn’t give him nor would I want to give, realistically. I would pull away and he sense my tension and he pulled closer. I would stiffen he would cup the under of my back, like holding a small child from danger. Started to feel my self fold into him slowly start to let go begin to reciprocate the touch his body mold my body to his but then he spoke in two ways. He said, " You don’t know what I would do to you " and his body responded in that same manor. I pulled out and told him I think we should go . Being the typical male in my life and the response I'm growing weary of," look what you've done to me. I'm so hard let me relieve this pressure." I told him he was on his own but if he needed an audience sure I'll stick around.
I was screaming in my head, "SH**. I knew this would happen. I knew that is what he is all about. Figures that he come off as potential and this crap happens again. SH**. SH**. SH**. I just cant find a decent guy who will remain decent enough not to have the first thing on his mind is sex from anything physical from me. What the fu** is wrong with me now?!!"
He relives his self apologizes and ask for my number to call in the future. At this point, I don’t care again. I'm empty and pissed. I give him the number, I know he wont call, and drive away.

It's been a week and a day. He hasn’t called and I'm glad but I miss his hug. Not him the moment in time before he spoke. That split second I almost fell for him. This is what I am feigning for to see him for . After that I could care less what happens because I don’t trust him and I know he is going to be like all of the bad men I've purged out of my life, sex addicts.

Wishful Thinking

2007-04-20T16:22:00.001-07:00

Can I come to peace with the piece of my life?
Is this meant to be a storm that I can never get a hold of?
To use the words be strong have faith because change is going to come
Come how
Come when
Come to who
Seriously I'm supposed to believe in the impossible implementation of
What could happen with no physical proof of this happening
To me
Personally
Life has ups and downs
Yes I’m the first to hold this true
However
The vague unresponsive dead weight of
Positive words seem to kill me each time it’s spoken
Seriously I’m supposed to believe in the possible
With a set of words that linger in the air like promises of 40 acres and mule
Drowning in the hope that change is going to come
What about the words change will not come
Charge down the hope
Beeline towards the truth in tomorrows another day and shit will still follow.
Don’t give me the work of telling myself its okay
It’s alright
That life will be okay in spite of
The light at the end of the tunnel speech ]
Hum bullshit
Just tell me there’s no hope no chance no will
Maybe
I might see the light you speak of

Random Love

2007-04-13T09:58:00.001-07:00

Love is a change of emotions
Like the weather either you bear the storm
Or move on to a better place
Either you choose this person first or make him or her last
In the back of your mind this choice is the defining moment in your
Life work of love
because you can loose or win but only you are the one to blame for the final outcome
Many say there are numerous fish in the sea but how many of those fish will attach themselves to your bait
The choice is bear the storm or move on
yet
Love is a change of perception
Like becoming a child to an adult either you become stagnant in thoughts
Or become open minded to new thinking
Accept the truth you can either stay or leave
The choice you make defines
who you truly are
What you truly want

Self-Transformation

2007-01-13T20:04:00.000-08:00

“Most people who decide to change something about themselves leap headlong into action.” Oprah magazine V.8 p.57 2007

I was reading O magazine a few weeks ago. In her January 2007 edition, the main focus was “Be The Woman You Want to Be: Why it’s so Hard to Change Yourself a Revolutionary Guide to Making it Happen”. Ok, honestly I looked at the cover and was skeptical, but, at the same time I wanted to change. I’ve been talking about change like a new man crush that I was too afraid to approach (unless I was drunk but that’s a different story). I would write about the small changes and the backsliding to old habits. I would promise that this time, like all other times, that the changes I wanted to make would stick, yet the whole time I was looking in the mirror with covered eyes. I would peak through my fingers and see the hideousness of my ways but cover my eyes again , shaking my head , saying that it’s okay this time because it’s for the last time. I know that feeding into my old ways is only fueling the fire and I’ll never change unless I stop all together.

Funny, but, to change is to stop one habit and start another.

So, I’m reading the magazine and get to a page titled “O, Something to Think About “. On the page there were four questions to begin, as the reader, my self transformation. Again, skepticism a foot. How can four questions determine the jump start to my transformation? Now, skeptism always hinders me for getting the full benefit of the message because I have predestined views in mind. So I closed the magazine and called it a bunch of bull shit that Oprah is trying to force down my throat (mind you I bought the magazine to help myself ha-ha) I let the magazine sit on my desk for a two weeks. Midway through the second week, I put my history textbook over the cover because I was tired of seeing the nagging orange letters reminding me to be the woman I’ve always wanted as well as those 4 questions. I’m not really ready to commit to the changes I wanted to make. I want to change but committing to the change is the issue. This conclusion was after I picked up the magazine today and read the first two questions:

1a. Do I know why I want to make this change? ____________
1b. Have I assembled all the instructions, equipment, and advisers that this shift will require? ___________________________________

2. You should be able to answer “yes” to both questions before you commit to a transition. Can you explain the reason for the change and list the places you can turn to for help? _________________________________________________________________

Well, doh, I know why I want to make this change. I want to have a happier, spiritual, consistent, healthier, and stronger life for myself. I need to wake up every morning and sleep every night happy with me by not caring what any one thinks, living for myself, doing what makes me happy , standing up for myself and being okay with doing that, controlling my stronger emotions( anger , sadness, disappointment, and fear ) , communicating better, and living with God first before a husband. Now have I done part b of question one? Nope. There are ideas of what to do but I don’t know how to take them and create a plan with all of the aspect of the question.

** I’ll continue with an update as I progress on and answer the other four questions when I get there. ….

Ooo.. This is my 102 post here on blogger and I've been on for almost a year! I think yeaaaa for me... : )

It's Cold

2006-12-28T14:02:00.001-08:00

I’m being told that changes do happen over night. This is in complete conflict with what I think change is about. I’ve always liked the old saying, “changes doesn't happen overnight”. I mean it doesn’t because changes does take time. Even if I were to change over night I still have to remind myself daily until it becomes part of my habit that I have changed. To believe that change happens instantly is hurtful and unrealistic. To expect a person who has been hurting or living in fear for a long period of time to snap out of it is like having the flu and the body is just supposed to go back to normal with out being nursed to health. This is my view on change. It’s like a chemotherapy to a cancer patent it eats away at the cancer till it is in remission or gone. The chemo treatment takes time and has side effects just like change, meaning that every once in a while I will slip and fall but that doesn’t mean that I am not a changed person. Most men that I talk to treat me as if I will never open up , that I will never change from the fear and mistrust in my voice but this is not I am implying. I am saying give me the time to make the small step of change into the bigger picture of my life. And, yes, everything that he would ask for may come.
The emotional, physical, and psychological parts of change, I guess, are harder for me. Why?! I am fearful of being hurt again by completely opening up and trusting someone. To release that much of my self control to another person is like putting me into a coffin and giving me 30 minutes of air. I am going to panic. I have always been in “control” of myself. I have always been the one to pick up for others, to be the support system, to basically be a parent. Don’t get me wrong I had a childhood but I was always too mature for my own age. In relationships, it’s the same way I open up to my mate like a mother seeing her child for the fist time. All the fears the hopes and dreams of this child are fresh. But when stepping into a relationship time after time with this same mentality it has started to create scars. Because the child that I envisioned so perfectly has started to grow up and is causing serious damage.When I keep giving birth to a demon child I started to wonder is it me and I should just quit breeding. The small amount of hope in me still want to see the good in people and believe them at face value. But I am asking myself at what cost. It’s not like I don’t trust anyone I am very cautious to let go of my control.
A funny analogy came in my head when I wrote that.
Remember when you were a kid and you were going to the pool for a swim because it was hot outside. I know I'm going off topic, but it will circle around go with me okay. Its hella hot out side and you want to cool off by going in the pool because you know the water is cold. But what is the first thing you do when you’re at the pool? Put you foot in to see how cold the pool is. Well obviously you know the pool is cold but you want to see how cold before jumping in. You put your foot in and retract it so quickly because it is really cold. So instead of jumping in and getting it over with, you slowly torture your self by putting each body part in slowly until you’re completely in. Now there were other kids that did the same test but instead of slowly getting in the water those kids jumped in the pool and screamed bloody hell for the pool being so cold. I feel like that at this moment with C. I wan to just jump in but the reaction my body will take to the cold is something I don’t want to deal with. However, has C done anything for me to subject him to my “wall”? At this moment, yes, because I will not let go of the 2 P’s and an E (see first sentence of the previous section). They have protected me from being hurt but have stopped me from caring and being cared for. Yes, I am angry right now as well as frustrated and hopeless (in the sense of find the right person). I am still dealing with one issue of my past at a time plus I really don’t want to go out in the pool. Being selfish is my mind frame right now and is that fair not really but I want to .Then I met C. He is showing me the living in my moment is not helping me and is causing me to loose good people. Honestly I hear what he is saying but I’m stubborn. I know he has better intentions than men twice his age. Yet, I want to run him through the list of flaws from my past to make sure, actually triple sure that before I let him in he won’t take me down that path again. Through out the short time I’ve know him he’s been constant with his words by supporting them with his actions. The other factor is he is 18. What the hell! I would never have any feeling for a guy younger than I then again here I am wondering could I give this kid a chance. I guess blessing don’t come in the packing you want them to. Over all C is a good guy (well except the being 18 and living @ home part) and is enjoyable to be around. However he just wants me to snap out of all the pain I’ve had and just jump blindly into his life because he tells me what I’ve waited to hear for a long time. Okay besides the fact that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is just starting out in his life, which drives me crazy. I know I can’t fault him for being young because I was once living at home going to school and working a remedial job. Yet at my age I need the stability of a man that has similar to what I have plus I need him to have some life experiences behind him. On the other hand his refreshing views on life and his coping style along with the way he communicates seems to overshadow my doubts. I want to give him a chance to go out and try again. Maybe this time might it could be really okay.

Up

2006-12-26T19:22:00.001-08:00

Can you man up
Not in the stereotypical sense
Meaning man up of your time not your money
To protect me as if I were gold not gold plated nickel
Making sure I follow Him before following my feelings towards you
Can you man up
Not protecting me like property you own
But as a 401k that you’re investing each pay period into
To watch the investment grow and retire when the time is right
See sexual healing is nice
Buying me this and that is fine
Telling me all the words I want to hear is sufficient
But to understand, respect, and support
My values
My time
My dreams
My mind
To know that God comes first then you and I
To expand
Our mind
Our bodies
Our dreams
By showing you sincerely care like
A brother to a sister
A father to a daughter
A man to a woman
See there is more to a connection than saying
Baby I will always be there
Promising me complete pleasure with your sexual healing
Acquiring what the world determines as success and wealth
Understand that
Placing honesty above your personal feeling
By following through on your word
Not hiding behind the fact that because you’re a man
you can not communicate your thought or emotions
because "maning up" means to see out side of the box you’re so accustomed to
and know there is more to a relationship than how you relate.

Do you like me ? Do I like you?

2006-12-07T18:27:00.000-08:00

Ah parties. As fun as they can be once you sober up the mind starts reveling what you've done. Case and point. This past Saturday I went with a few co-workers to a Christmas party one of our sales reps were having in the bay. Lots of liquor was served and we were really wasted. Okay all but two of my co-workers were wasted, the driver and another girl. The remaining 4 of us were goners. I bring this up because my supervisor, who by the way so cute, was hitting on me. Now, I think he is an attractive man but I'm not interested in him. I mean we work together and I don’t really know him well enough to be infatuated to the point of dating. Plus, I have issues I need to work through before dating.
Anycase.
As the night got later he made a comment that threw me off guard. He stated that he like the way I was wearing the dress I had on as I was getting him another beer. Then when I came back he stated that I treat him so well. Then the rest of the night it was baby this and baby that. As we were leaving I used him as support. Ok I know another drunk asking another drunk for help, eh but understand I was in4.5"heels and a dress and walking on my on would of been disastrous. So I asked my sup for help.

Ok let me stop to analyze this and say I was not sexually harassed. I know all about that from personal experience believe me that one I’m not doing again. Listen if the advances are unwanted and you say stop that is harassment. This dear was in a way wanted. We make sexual jokes a lot at work (the two of us) so maybe that is why he wanted to be close. Then again, I wanted him to be closer to me which is why I asked him for help. My devious drunk mind now has me wishing this didn’t happen.

So we walk to the car and he is totally sweet. Asking if I'm okay and if I had a good time. I get in the car and fall out. He grasps my arm and starts touching it. Ok you ask how this is possible. I am in the front seat and he is directly behind me. I lay on the arm rest he grabs my arm. I return the favor because okay 5 months of not being really touched I didn’t want it to stop. So we stop for a bathroom break. My support gets out and helps me to the bathroom. Now his arms are around me and still gently touching me. We go do the bathroom thing and as we walk back to the car, I tell him that our relationship goes back to normal on Monday. He states, whatever you want I'm fine. I’m now in the back seat and he is spread out on the seat next to me. To be nice, yes nice, I move over to give him my shoulder because he had to drive two other wasted people home and needed the time to sleep the liquor off. He then kisses my arm and wraps the other around my leg touches me in that same sensual way. Okay I am a leg, back face neck, and one other area for arousal girl. Now here I am in the back seat fighting being aroused and moving my hand in the same sensual movement up his inner thigh (ok not all the way up there). I kissed his hair once in a while. When it was time for me get out of the truck he pulled me a little closer and moaned no. Ok that’s the night.

However I see him every workday and it bugs the crap out of me because I don’t know his mind set. I think he's still cute and I just don’t want anything physical. He just got out of a relationship and I have this feeling that he is just in a physical state. Then on the other hand I just want to pretend it didn’t happen because not to much did happen between us. It was two drink people feeling the each other why should I make more out of nothing. Then again the saying goes the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Yet it was nothing and I am making it something because I am concerned about out past conversation. As I said before we joke a lot sexually so, I’m concerned that since the other co-worker ,that was sober, had made a comment to other co-workers about out "moment" in jest this could create problems in the work area to more sensitive people we work with. So here is my dilemma leave it alone and pretend I'm okay or pull him to the side to talk about the "moment" to make sure our work relationship is ok. Plus to make sure our joking in limited to between each other when there is not a lot of people near by. Ahhhh.

I had a feeling this would happen
When he kept looking at me
I knew he was looking at me
Those stolen looks when no one would pay attention
The gentle attraction between the eyes
But before we became lost in our eyes
I would look and laugh my head away
He peered from amongst the crowd to
Steal another second of my eyes
I felt his presence even when I could not
See his eyes
I knew I needed to feed my own attraction
I would come closer to feel his presence and move away
This was the game we played till it came too close
Like a hand to a flame our game would soon end
I had a feeling this would happen
But I lied and told myself I could control the
Attraction by playing a flirtatious game
Laugh and look away
But the solitary moment when
The words
The touch
The look in his eyes
For more
Caused me to
No longer play a flirt to this game
Falling in
Deeply in
I knew it was mutual but was is withstanding
This solitary moment.
See moments in solitary causes
The open moments to be different
Now
I wake to see
The real world
With those same eyes
Strong with attraction
Have calmed down
No flirtatious game
No laughing and turning away
Just
Us
Needing to work together

Who's to blame

2006-12-02T02:30:00.000-08:00

I want to scream fu** you and your problems. You have this inability to see good when you have it and to deal with your need to come back to me when its all over and want try again. Thinking I am the same person you screwed with the first time and because I was gracious enough to forgive you twice. You, Mr. think I was the same person, well I’m not. See this is the issue when you’ve decided to change and think I am still waiting. Well, I’ve changed or so I think I have. I’m tired of being the good, patient, understanding, pleading person you knew you wanted. I was that person who sat and cared when no one else would. No, I’m not tooting my own horn I am admitting facts. Yes, I will admit I have issue, fuck it I’m human. I am the first to tell anyone that I have a good and a bad side pick a day and I’ll give you one and/or both but I am not a bull shitter. I am strait from the hip. I am pushy and I will communicate the stuff you do want to talk about. Then again why call yourself an adult and you, sir, can’t even man up to communicate to me. Yeah, I hear the voices saying maybe it me. Maybe I need to change and once I change all the crap I’m dealing with will go away. Wait while I scoff for a few seconds…. I want to agree with that psychological crap but sometimes there is an exception to the rule. I tell you I am the fing exception.
It’s like I have a banner for all the decent men who want to try being dogs to stop by and wipe their dirty feet on me. Then realize after their done o shit she was a good person let me go back and make amends to clear my mind. I could analyze this place the blame on me because that is what I would do with the maybe it's me crap but I’m not anymore because I know it’s not me. I don’t ask for much and I don’t take much. My thing is compromise and communicate because I can’t stop you from what you think you want to do. I always say if you don’t talk to me I don’t know how to help you and if you say nothing it causes bigger problems. You have issues so do I so let work on a plan to either remove them or cope with it but I am not here to make your world what you dream it will be but instead to help make it a little easier to deal with. Make sense right. I guess too new age. I mean why should there be roles (yes off of subject) to a relationship. I mean looking at the word in no way results a masculine or feminine notation to it in a sense it is asexual word. Back on subject.
Do I want to be angry and bitter? That is the tough question. I see myself slowing getting there and it’s not good. I still want to be that naïve little 18 year old who promised herself that no matter what the world does I would not be come cynical and mean spirited. Now I see, I really see that is a hard feat to accomplish when people keep knocking, spitting, and hitting in a inconspicuous kind of way. See, I wouldn’t be upset if I was being hit and I knew it…. OO no it has to be in the sly manipulative way. I’ll let her think I’m good then wham hit her with the bad news. This folk is the where the cynicism grows and the mean spirit is fostered because being honest is too easy. I just want agape and to give that in return. I don’t want agape love because agape is tangible but loving on the other hand that is a work in progress and no man matter of fact no person can give that to me only God can. I want this man to be unselfish, loyal, and to benevolent as well have concern for the good of God, me, his family, and his self. Will this happen the naïve girl in me say, yes but I guess I have to go through my anger phase first.

I want to be Mr. Right

2006-11-27T11:03:00.000-08:00

J: Hi
Me: Hello?
J: How are you? I seen you drive past me the day before yesterday
J: You don’t like me huh?
Me: No, its not that I was in the middle of something and could not respond.
Me: Where did you see me?
J: Going down by Carol Miller.
Me: Ok, now who is this?
Me: I guess I don’t get an answer.
J: J
J: Can I see you? I promise no funny business.
Me: No. You made your feelings clear the last time we met. I really believed that when you came back from NY you would have changed. I guess those were lines. I mean why? You really don’t care about me.
J: It’s J
Me: I know who you are now and what I sent stands.
J: I do and I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m serious.
Me: J, I’m tired. I’ve been hurt too many times by you and this time I really don’t trust you. I forgive you for your actions, but I can’t see me trying again. This last time you really hurt me. I actually cried on the way home because I was so hurt. I don’t want this feeling any more. I have come to equate pain with you. I just came to the realization that I was nothing more that a fu**. When you were in the mood you’d call
J: I have been thinking about you and I want to change. I want you to be my girl for sure and no bs.
J: You’re a good lady. I realized that I want you to have the best and I want to give that you if you let me
Me: I’m tired of lines. I just don’t need this. I can’t take hearing you say; again, you seriously want me. I’ve come to the point that I just don’t want a relationship. I gave up. I mean if you tried, your really, tried because you wanted me you would not have waited this long.J: Can you come over so we can talk? I promise just talk.
J: I want to do right by you. Can we just talk in person? Just give me 15min.
Me (over phone): You can talk to me this way. I’m not coming in person.
J: You don’t want a relationship with me
Me: No. I gave up on us J. I got tired of being hurt by you more that once.
J: I only did it once.
Me: It was three times. I know. When you getting you’re a** kicked you know how many times it’s getting kicked. When you’re on the giving end it’s easy for you to forget.
J: I just want to start over
Me: I just don’t want to. I don’t care anymore. I mean again why you did wait so long. If you want something you fight for it. I mean you promised me when you came back you’d change. you came back and it was the same sh** all over again. You didn’t even try with me. You just went back to treating me the same. You treated me as if I had to fight to win you back like it was my job to show you I cared. That wasn’t the case. You were supposed to be fighting for me showing me I needed to stay and you let me leave. This wasn’t fair.
J: I guess. I wanted to give you time. I know why you get mad you need time.
Me: I didn’t need time I need you to be different.
J: whatever
Me: What do you want me to say J?! I mean that I want to try again, that I will run into your arms and it’s going to be okay. No, I can’t say that. I don’t want a relationship and you’re unwilling to try. I’m done (hang up)
J (calling back): Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes, because we were done. What more could be said. I mean honestly I am leaving in 7 months. I can’t not give you a relationship because of that. Thanks for texing and I wish you the best. Good night (hang up)

What is this the let’s trying again? I swear when I give up and throw in the towel. All the people who should have cared about me before come into the picture. They want to try again, they want to be the man they could not of been, and now realize I was right all along. It’s frustrating to open wounds that were closed because he decided he wants to be Mr. Right. It’s wrong and unfair to put someone through this. I woke up depressed and evaluating myself. I wondered what’s wrong with me that he couldn’t get it right the first three times, matter of fact the first time. I feel like the kid being picked last for the kick ball team. I know I have great talent and every time kickball is played the team I’m on is shocked that I can play but each time a game is started I’m still picked last. This is a defeate3d feeling and I hate it. I moved on I grew from the circumstances and now here I am dealing with what I thought was done in my mind. Now I see I really never healed I just compressed the issue and put it on the back burner. Now, I need to deal with my feeling and I don’t want to. It’s so difficult and I hate crying because that’s what I’ll do. Plus I'm scared to dig that deep because I really don’t trust anyone that much to help dig me out. To sit and watch me completely break down and have to rebuild. It’s a nothing feeling I don’t like to have. Being vulnerable and emotional in front of other people. Yet coping alone is worse now that I know better. Yet trusting people is really hard when I keep getting hurt. I know deep down in side what I said to him was right and fair .But to let go of a person I really wanted to be with is hard. Then to top it off with seeing a familiar pattern is driving me crazy.

Direct approch, not working

2006-11-20T12:48:00.000-08:00

M: Come on now baby how me and you going to get some where if we can be for each other
M: I should not have to twist your arm for you to tell something heavy on your mind

Me: I’m not asking you to twist my arm. When I am ready to talk I’ll talk. I said that I can not talk to you now because I am at work but you didn’t read that and kept on texting what you wanted to.
M: And I’m sick of waiting for you to get ready to do something to bring us closer.

Me: You know what, if you respected or understood me then you have made your decision by your comment. I am not going to jump to what you want when I have clearly explained previously my stance. You want what I can not at this point give. Yet you push it’s driving me crazy. you’re a good person and if my timing was right Id say yes but im not going to appease your needs because you say what you believe you are and I am supposed to run into your arms and believe it’s going to be ok. No I do not operate let that any more. I’ve learned that running before assessing the weather causes issues for both people. I’d rather worth through my sh** and be a better person for whom ever I marry because dating the way I have been for the last 6 years isn’t working. I have begun to recognize the start the middle and the ending because I have been constantly going through it. Every 1 has lines and as sincere as they appear to be I must pray and wait on God. Since He hasn’t told me to move so I stand. Look what ever you see in me is nice and I need to first believe in you and 2 believe your words.

M: Well what do you want me to tell you? Sounds like your only thinking about yourself, what about my needs as a man who is trying to be your man.

Me: I mean who I to think about am. I am single there are two things to think about me and God. Your asking me to buy a car with out researching it, driving it , making sure it fits into my budget, making sure I want to drive it five years from now and ect. Come on, this same principal applies to a potential mate. If you can not understand my stance, fine. I see your point and I empathize with you but I will not change my mind.

M: You are tripping and will be waiting forever. I am a strong man but not that strong

Me: That’s what you believe and to prevent torturing you and hearing these remarks on a constant basis I don’t what you talking to me. Strength is consistent no matter what.

M: No its not you are going off your pass relationships
M: Well I don’t know what to tell you. Im a good man and I want to be good to you but it’s tiring to make you see that.

Me: I never said you were a bad person and I told you have hang ups. Well again let me give you your rest by giving you the freedom to pursue a woman who can give you what it is you need/want.

M: I need you in every way
M: I need bay cant you understand that
M: No problem but I don’t need you to give me anything you’re tripping

Me: Apparently I do because you fail to even empathize with my stance and grow patience and
when you claimed that you did it was a façade. Why, because here we are again having a conversation you told me you were going to give me patience on. You’ve proved my point exactly. I understand you have needs but to ask a person who has hang ups to jump into something is crazy. You see, you want, and you think you must have now, yet when I have been trying to tell you logically why you can’t pursue and to wait an issue arises because you’re a man who has needs. Can’t you see beyond your needs enough to know that to get product you have to wait for the right season for it to grow. That means while you’re waiting you need to nurture and mature that produce tree. Nope you won’t because you see with short vision and that will not acquire anything till you do. I needed to tell you to move on because you will not understand me as you claim you have been.

M: no I can’t
M: From you
M: I already have

I can see from my own side that maybe M has a valid point. I have also gained a sense of insight to the root of my problems, yet I refuse to take the blame on this one. Before I dive into this let me trail back to what happened here. We meet on an online community and exchanged yahoo msgr id’s. M seemed like a nice person with cool qualities until he let his “right now” emotions take the best of him. I guess he assumed that because my profile included what I was looking for (mind you it was not the right now but in the future) he assumed that I was looking for a relationship. In my profile I never implied that I needed to be with anyone (even though deep down inside I do), because I knew I was not ready. From the first conversation it clear we were going to be friends. I express why, he pushed for more. They type of conversation for that last week has become our “dance”. The more he brought it up the more of a broken record I have been come. It has come to the point that his text message, calls, and im’s are annoying me. Mind you I have told him this has started to bother me and to stop but has it, nope. So this am I get a hello how are you text. I tell him I have been thinking and this is the rest of the story. Even after it ends he’s back trying again. Now I am stuck trying to get rid of him. yeah I know the typical ignore method doesn’t work for me because I hate being ignored and can not bring myself to do it to someone else. Gosh can some people take a direct approach.

Here I go again

2006-11-14T09:14:00.000-08:00

I look of life occasionally and replay large moments in my life. I analyze why, how, what, who, when, and try to understand myself in those moments. Sometimes I may beat myself up for what I’ve done but when it’s all over I learn something new about myself. I see myself in a different perspective and I move on from it. Not everyday of my waking life am I looking in the past to live in my past or recreate my past but to figure out how to make me a better me. I mainly do this when I see my self repeating a pattern I thought I had given up. I have been , honestly, I don’t know what the hell to call what I’ve been doing but I wills ay I have been distracted. I started talking to S for about a month now, here in lies the distraction, and I feel that I am becoming displaced. I am becoming comfortable in my past which is my present. I know we are not compatible, okay unless he grows some personally heh maybe and we see the world completely different. I’m an emotional tell all talker and he is quiet annoying non communicative and aloof. Okay I’m being unfair by portraying myself as better than him it’s just that right now he is driving me crazy and the negative stuff is coming out( o I could have said more but I’m not going to). Really, he’s a sweet guy and shows his self very differently to what I am accustomed to. I’m used to open communication and discussing issues (mainly mine) till we have a common ground but with S it is not like that. If I don’t bring it up we will never ever never ever talk about it .This frustrates me because I need to know before circumstance become unbearable. I mean why live, life holding onto crap that can be released. Think about it the only reason people hold on to crap is fear of rejection, to feel so open, to have loss of control and not know how the recipient of the info will react to your info.

Well bull because the same thing can happen if you say nothing, ironic huh. I had to learn that lesson the hard way and it’s nothing to write home abut. Any who before I started talking to S again, yes, I restarted us talking. Why I am still trying to understand. I think it was me being sick of being alone and he responded back. Aurgh... I have now learned I can not do the alone thing for very long. It’s hard (I know who said life was easier but then gain who said it had to be so hard.) I really became a loaner. I was into my spirituality, music, art, and sound then after this was done it was me. Me alone is ok for short periods but for months on end. O just shoot me. So of course I jumped on the talk to S for a short time bandwagon. Now I can’t pull myself out. I am seeing my much focused life become pulled between being there for him and being there for me (God too). The sad part is I like him but I really don’t love him anymore. I like having a person near by but I want it on my terms. I hang out with him and my body is there but my mind is not. It’s like being depressed. You know you’re depressed but you cant nor will you pull yourself out because in a way things make way more sense in a depressed hole than it does in the life outside of it. Am I comparing my current situation to a depressed hole, naw, but it shows how wanting to be paid attention to (no I don’t need to be love I need attention) can drive a person to get out of sticky situation. I don’t want him as a lover more like a friend I can hug twice a day (ah a teddy bear a live one hahaha) but all the shit that comes with it is driving me crazy.

So here I am a contradiction to my own advice of not holding on to stuff and letting it go.

Not Dating .

2006-10-03T16:56:00.000-07:00

Some of the poem’s wording might seem old-fashioned, but the message is timeless.

A Woman’s Question
By Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing?
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life -----
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might as for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt are whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a fare greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God.
Shall look upon as he did on the first
And say: “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose my fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this , a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay
But a woman’s’ hear and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.

I read this poem in the book I have been reading " I kissed Dating Goodbye" By Joshua Harris and this poem stuck out to me so much because it covers how I want the first step into talking about marriage with any future mate. I have notices since I am no longer looking for a mate my life has been come easier to bear. Loneliness occurs at times but always I am happy waiting for the right man to show up. It's crazy to tell people I'm not dating anymore because I'm waiting to hear from God what my next move will be , yet at the same time it's very comforting. I've found this peace not worry who will be my next love ( to turn into the ex-love) The round abut circle has begun to leave it's scars and I don’t want to carry those into my future long term relationship because it's not fair to my mate nor is it fair to myself. I went on this change after I ended things with L because I was seeing a pattern and the promise I made myself when I turned 18 .

I promised myself that no matter who hurt me I would never take it out on other people that my past relationship are my past nor would I grow up to be a bitter woman who holds on to past hurts and drugs them up each time a new relationship comes up. I’m noticing that I am taking the hurt I have experienced and I am starting to hold on to it. I'm starting to become afraid to love and trust because I don't want to end up hurting. I am becoming bitter because love has not ended up like I always hoped. So I used the old saying , if there is a problem with people first look at you to fix it.

This change in relationships has shown me that I am not ready to be married let alone have a boyfriend because the small issues are still in the progress of being worked out. It would be nice to be in love with the right one but if the timing is wrong the relationship is wrong. I know that when my life is right then love will be right because no person needs to deal with past baggage to enjoy love.

Finding

2006-09-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

Ever get the chance to do something over again? The questions are different now that you have the chance to do the something over again. New found feelings arise now that the chance has come again. Only difference is that there is action in stead of blind faith. The I wish I shoulda coulda woulda’s have disappeared to the I hope I cant I won’t I don’t knows . It’s frustrating to have the second chance but have second guesses. I assume it’s a part of life.

I have a second chance with an old bf but I don’t want to rush into it because I am learning that dating equates short term. I want the next relationship I am in to end in marriage. I have promised myself no more long term hopes build in a short term shelter that is called dating. This new concept sounds nice

But...
My body and emotion, my words and my reaction show completely different. I will take a moment to justify my current actions. He brings back that spark, a light a glowing amber of what I want in a life time partner but I know that I have, we have, changed from adolescents to adults. However, I want to dive into this feeling in my old fashion and throw change out of the window. I haven’t had this feeling since we were together and I have been trying to substitute it since. This is why I want to jump into this blindly and let my hopes and wants take over. I want this feeling to be with me all my life ( that I have left) To constantly have him and God on my mind , to constantly be a child in “love” and having naive views of the world around me while always focusing on my inner world.

But….
I have resolved from this point onward to act in this manor: this man is my friend and that I would see him as nothing more till I am told other wise. I am realizing that the pursuit of my wants and right now needs end up hurting each time. It took me a while to realize, well actually when I was dealing with L, that my own unhappiness was self created. The reason why, I destroyed a possibly good person and possible long term relationship because I was not patient. Dang, I was hoping this would move at a faster pace but I will wait.

Now….
Shit has happened. I’ve said too much (as usual) I just don’t understand. I know I’ve said too much. I took something and blew it out of proportion. On the other hand if I said nothing and playfully; joked along then it could have been perceived that I agree with what was stated. I don’t and I never will again agree with being the shadow. The mysterious one lurking in the background hoping things will change. I’ve said to much and now the feeling I have a confusing. They hurt... it makes me wish I never felt this way to just accept the second change as a blessing and read nothing into it because it would have eliminated me from being an ass again. I look at the phone and hope. I try to find things to do with my time but the soft reminder of that voice just makes it seem pointless. All I want to know is that it will be okay yet I am proud that I said something instead of nothing.

Now…
I just want to know. I hate the waiting part after words have been spoken that could end or strengthen. I just hate when I say too much and the person says nothing in return. It is agonizing not to know anything. I prefer being yelled at than to hear nothing. I want to give space I want to have this will of this person at their own accord not me forcing or pushing the subject. I’m impatient I want to know now … *sigh* I’ll leave it alone and let it come when it will. I pack up the bundle of emotions the momentary joys and save it for another opportune moment for another opportune person. It’s a waste to wait on one when one times a million are what my chances on finding the right one could be. I want to quit finding others who are attached and feel that it’s okay to have an extra piece of cake. So alone I’ll wait till God places the right in my left.

Pain

2006-09-08T10:27:00.000-07:00

Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes, he thought over and over as he writhed on the floor, clutching uselessly at his disabled left arm."
-Chapter 3 Section 1 of 1984

I was on line at wikipedia.com just going through the quote section and there it was my favorite quote out of the book 1984. When I first read the book (as well as the second and third time) this quote always stuck out to me. Stuck out so much that it made me laugh. Now does this mean I have a morbid sense of humor, at times, yeah. Yet, when I look over the last few months, I said over and over again that I wanted this pain to stop. To think , I call my self independent , strong will , and free spirited but pain ,like Winston holding his arm, is disabling. However it takes a lot to move from the pain or embrace the pain to allow it to transform you.
The transformation either good or bad is what the cliché saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger could originate from. I dont agree with the cliché , but I can understand the point its trying to make. Why, I dont agree with the saying is that sometimes pain doesnt bring strength sometimes it brings a new light to a person. A once happy and energetic person could become cautious and cynical, now does that equate strength. I guess it could depend on what a persons understanding of the word strength is. Thats the unpredictable thing about clichés the meanings do not transform or define all situations in the sense that stereotypes do not accurately describe people/race.
All of the pain that occurs in life , it would be wrong of me to state there has not been any positive changes or a new insight to my life. On the other hand , I needed to voice that the positive notion is not always the true notion . Not everyone is going to follow lead and grow for the best from every negative outcome, yet that is the preconceived notion thats thrown around especially in American culture. Its your right to buck up and move one to quit dwelling and move on yet no one tells people how to engage pain or educate people that pain is a natural part of life. Yes, everyone goes a painful part of life but it dose not make anyone weak instead it evokes change.
Which is why, in the face of pain there are no heroes? Keep this in mind the next time a painful situation arises that each of us are not alone in being the victim to pain however how we allow this pain to mold our life, that is a different story.

Filling Space

2006-09-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

I will be updating my writing soon but thanks to all of you who have responded. Also, to those I have not responded, I will soon. I have been putting up quotes on my desk lately to show what I am feeling or thinking without actually saying it. I have decided to put these up in the mean time.
I have found truth that in others words your emotions are well spoken sometimes.

“Affectation of candour is common enough— one meets with it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design— to take the good of everybody's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad— belongs to you alone.”

- Elisabeth to Jane in Chapter 4 of Pride and Prejudice

Not to insult any ones intelligence but some of the words I didn’t know or remember the meaning, so I will give them to you

Affectation: noun: a. The act of taking on or displaying behavior no natural to oneself or not genuinely felt b. speech or conduct not natural to oneself
Candour: candor: noun: 2. freedom from prejudice or malice 4. Unreserved honest or sincere expression
Ostentation: noun: 1. excessive display

“You preferred to be a lunatic, a minority of one. Only the disciplined mind can see reality, Winston. You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in its own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in the mind of the party, which is collective and immortal. Whatever the party holds to be truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party. That is the fact that you have got to re-learn, Winston. It needs an act of self destruction, an effort of the will. You must humble yourself before you can become sane. “
- O’Brien to Winston in Chapter 3 Section 2 of 1984

“I think television has betrayed the meaning of democratic speech, adding visual chaos to the confusion of voices. What role does silence have in all this noise? “
- [on Television], A Fellini Lexicon, Edited by Damian Pettigrew (ABRAMS, 2003)

Doomer

2006-08-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

Life is a test of how well I can handle the sudden ups and downs, only thing is there is no grade at the end of the test giving feedback as to how well or poorly I’ve passed. -Me

The last few months have been pretty odd, yeah; odd that’s the word I’ll use to encapsulate my feelings. My uncle died, then my best friend husband died, and now my uncle died. However each of these deaths is different, my uncle died in a freak car accident, my best friend’s husband died from jumping off of the freeway over pass while od’ing and my uncle died of AIDS. Then add on top of this my own personal issues and growth equals a possible breakdown, which really frightens me.

I will get to why this frightens me in a moment.

I’m not much of a griever but instead I will focus on many tasks to keep my mind off of the fact that a person has died or left my life. The reason being is: why focus so much on a person leaving when I could focus on moving forward with my life? Why cry and mop about over the fact that a person has left? I think the answer to that; it is pointless. I mean, really, life has a cycle and we all one day will have to play the part.
Now, do not mistake my view on grief as I am heartless and inconsiderate. I don’t want to grieve over a person who can no longer hear my words about them to them. They are dead and that is the way it is but to sit and loose my marbles over what I knew was going to happen is making matters worse.
Because of my indifferent reaction to death causes this question to arise: what if my immediate family died of a murder and I was the suspect?
I don’t mourn the way a “normal” person would in American society thus I would be guilty of the crime because I would not respond in the typical manor. Which I don’t think is justified. It’s like people want you to react and act in a manor that would be pleasing to them which will equate my “respect” to the dead. Yet, if I respond in the typical fashion then I am looked at as if I am ok.
Anywho, I am going to get off of that soap box and explain why I would be frightened of a break down.
Around the August before September 11 I had a break down. I lost my job, I was raped ,attempted raped, sexually harassed, and had to move back to my dad’s home... which going back there was not the first choice but the only choice. The whole month I started living there I was being pressured to find a job or go into the military by him. I knew I was working my ass of to change my current situation because I did not want to live back with him either ( quick rundown of history :old fashion stern short tempered yet loving father meets young recently turned adult who wanted to experience life you put the two together. Ah yes the good ol’ oil and water analogy) but I needed a place to live till I was back on my feet. One morning he told me that I had 2 weeks to find a job or off to the man’s army I go. Well that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I decided since nothing right was going in my life, I was a failure, and everything that was happening to me was my fault equated suicide. Was that the brightest idea looking back, no, but at that particular moment yes. (Sorry for giving the Reader’s Digest version of my break down but I want to make my point soon) So I made a prescription cocktail, by researching the drugs and the effect on line, once I found a combination I liked I made the cocktail and decided to” checkout” but before I collapsed I called my mentor. I told my mentor what I did, asked her to tell everyone I was sorry and passed out.

Why I say all of this is that I feel that same sort of pressure now. Whoa... I’m not going to “check out” again because I am aware of my depressive moods and I talk to people now, but knowing that I could go there is frightening. Every day I wake up I have to remind myself that I have a reason to be here and cheating out by checking out is not justified.

Yes, I was very young and never did learn how to cope with stress or really felt comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on with me. I always frowned on telling people what was wrong with me because I saw it as a weakness a form of manipulation that could be later used to hurt or confine me. (Now, don’t ask how a 16yro kid came up with this idea that formulated her early adult life but she, as in I, did.)

Ah-ha then again that could be why I’m indifferent to death because I tried to send myself on a one way ticket there and people I hadn’t talk to in ages all of a sudden cared. They wanted to tell me things that they should have said and treat me like a kid in a glass case. That’s not the point of death is to cry an mourn of the what I should of said but instead pause, remember who they

It’s frightening to know that I have to stop myself from my other self to enjoy life. This is why people wonder why I am happy most of the time it’s because if I let my self go into sadness I can’t pull myself out.
Sadness is moments that I may shed a tear ponder for a moment or three realize there is nothing I can do the change the current situation to move on to right now the new issues at hand. To live a lie in sadness only creates a madding effect of emotions non- controlled as a bottomless black pit. Clawing to free ones self to the light.

I know my message was a bit depressing but overall I am fine. I know that to I need to talk and let my feeling free. I no longer bottle up what is going on nor do I dwell in what I can not change. Yet sometimes it’s a little okay for me to have sadness but I’ll get over it in a month. Normality here I go 

Thanks

2006-08-07T16:50:00.000-07:00

Some you have been posting message on my site for a while and may have wondered 1) why they are not showing up and 2 ) why I have not responded.

Well , thanks to F (http://fredcharles.wordpress.com), I have found out that I have had my comment moderated. Hell, I didn't know + I did not have the comment coming to my email at all.

Honestly, I was not being rude just a ditzoid,

So now, whew, all of your messages have come to me ,at last! As well , the messages are now are showing on my webpage. Yes, yes I will respond to all the message ( Just don't expect anytime this week or next week).

Thank you so much for taking time out to read and comment on my page!!!

Special thank you (s) to F for giving me the heads up or I would have gone months more with out responding. !!!

Nykki
I'll try to be more consistent with the look of the page. I see pretty stuff and start adding it. I have a short span to keeping things it goes in this fashion: I like I play I keep I toss. Sad but me .I think I need to work my consistency, a lot of the time I'm al over the map. Eh that's a new story there me being consistent *scoffs at own suggestion* Wish me luck on that one.

The most we ask of life is to be appreciated. Then ask yourself do you appreciate yourself? Then why ask to be appreciated if you can not do that to oneself.

You Have the Power

2006-07-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

You have the power to set yourself free of negative
Thought patterns and behaviors. You have the power to imagine the best for yourself and your world, and then to immediately take steps in that direction.

You have the power to rise above the meaningless, petty distractions that can waste so much time and steal so much energy. You have the power to fill your moments, your life and your awareness with the things that have real and lasting meaning.

You have the power to be your best no matter what the circumstance. You have the power to move forward no matter what setbacks or obstacles may block your path.

You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how life can be. You have the power to follow and to reach the dreams of your choosing.

You have all this power because you have the choice. In each moment, you can choose independent of all other factors, what to think, what to say, and what to do and who to be.

Though it is a serious responsibility, it is also the most magnificent opportunity anyone could ever imagine. For you have the choice, and the power, to truly and to fully live.

-- Ralph Marston

I saw this poem at the end of an email I received today. At first, I overlooked it because I thought it was on of those meaningless tags that a lot of people put at the end of their emails; you know, keep smiling because there is blue skies ahead crap. However I needed some info so I pulled the email out of my garbage section and read it again, this time the poem caught my attention (I guess that is what it was supposed to do.) Then I read it three times. I really don’t know why I needed to read it three time ;but, I guess, I wanted to make sure the message it was giving was what I was understood it to be. Which coincides with situations and people that have been “popping” into my life lately that he really been testing me to stay the course with my life changes. (Maybe another time I’ll deluge but not now) Eh, I think I really needed to be reminded that I have a choice in what ever actions I take.

Women as friends

2006-07-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

I've wondering why women have issues making new friends.
The last few months I have been trying to make new friends with any female.
I don’t know what it is about the inability to just walk up to a girl and say, hello.
Even if I was to tell her that her style is nice and try to engage in a conversation I am being treated as if I am a lesbian, which is not the case at all.
I just want a relationship that I see on most all female shows i.e. girlfriends or sex in the city however it's just not possible. Maybe it’s because some women don’t like other women.
Think about it when two women walk by, one say hello and the other acts as if it is beneath them to respond back.
To simply have kindness between each other even though they are not in the same "click”.
Or the confusion with my kindness as a come on. I know its ruff out thee is the world and it’s hard to trust another person but how will you know unless an effort is placed,
It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone say “You know like that is my girl from way back, someone I can really depend on”.
I am not trying to be like the others take you man and talk about you behind your back yet that seems to be the main reason why women can be friends, the misconceptions we have created about ourselves which stops us from helping each other as a collective.

Listen

2006-07-09T01:30:00.000-07:00

Ah midway to 50 years old. It’s at this point that may attributes good or bad are set in stone and to make changes for improvement are slim to none. Many times it takes a life taking circumstance to change the good or bad attributes to improve lifestyle.

Since S and I have ended our relationship, it has been very hard to just pick up the pieces and move on. I thought I had done so with L but I have realized that with L I can have what I truly believe I deserve as a women and a person. L believes in traditional women and men roles where as I believe that these roles are unisex (with the exception to the obvious physical aspects which are not unisex). I tried to hold on to L because I just don’t want to be alone and he has some really good traits but just knowing if push comes to shove he could become abusive and demanding because of his ideas. I know I can’t settle and I won’t settle yet dating is so hard when for me it has come so easily. It is always the fight of settle or moves on to adapt or manipulate. Why do I say this? Well I just left L’s home and I was trying to convey that I don’t think I could keep fighting for him. Just maybe see that his belief in tradition is unfair to woman. To let him know, I care but to make such a sacrifice is not beneficial to both parties. As well, the only reason I am hanging on is in fear of being a lone and to see what I really am made of in my own space. Sad to know this is why I am hanging on but true. I will let him know tomorrow but tonight I was going to tell him.

Guess what happened?

L brushed off what I was going to say because he heard one word and decided I was drugging up the past. I hate being brushed off. Just because I say something that you may not like to hear in the midst of a conversation does not justify a “brush off”. I mean listen to what I have to say and then make a point. I can’t conteou to be with a person because I don’t want to be alone and I will not settle because the majority outweighs a small problem that could get worse with time. However I have learned a lesson and I have gained insight to how a woman can become drawn into an abusive relationship. Yet at the same time I could not have sympathy because the signs are there before hand. I am reading the writing on the wall and it is telling me to run and never look back.

On the other hand, I saw S at the store up the street from my apt. Well, he works there. He text msg me to let me know he saw me and to say hello. Those messages brought up so many, I thought were dead, feelings. Anycase, as the conversation carries on, I tell S that I don’t believe God told him to break up with me because God would not tell a man to leave a woman that is having issues understanding His will.
S in turn defended his stance and told me something that gave me insight hat it was not God’s choice but his.

S states that after a specific service I told him that I did not appreciate the pastor telling the church to praise God as well as that church was not a huge factor for me. I told him that I think it was the pastor creating the praise to God and not the people. I expressed to him that organized religion tells it’s members they are not praising God well enough to their standards when in turn it is not any man or woman’s to tell people how to praise God. I told S that is the issues I had with organized religion that people in leadership roles take it upon themselves to take God’s place. I told him about the scripture in Psalm (“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye lands to come into His presence with thanks giving knowing that He the Lord is God.”) S goes into that it is the responsibility of the man of God to do that for his people. I knew trying to explain my view would be against the word of God so I left it alone. Yet I had issues with him stating that church was not a part of my life.
I told him that it always was but I was going through a stage in my life that I needed to know why I believed in a religion. I mean I grew up in church and that was all I was indoctrinated with then to find out other information cause me to wonder why. On the flip side I did not go into detail because it was a text message, which is why I think I really want to talk to S again it is to get my point across to really have closure with him. On the other hand, I really want him back in my life. This was the one many, beside N, that I felt like myself with and I truly loved and that I did not need to play a role with. I knew that S was my partner not my “parent” and that we were always growing. I was valued and validated as well as supported and cherished. Even in the short time that I knew S we connected well. When I first met him it was like we were picking up from where we left off.

I just want him to see that I am progressing to become the Christian God wants me to become. That maybe God was showing S that he was to help me in my journey not shuns me away because I was not conforming. Then again maybe the break up gave me this opportunity to get over the n fear of why I believe in my faith. That I need to know for my self not force why I believe in God, I am not doing this for S but for myself. I just want him to know of my progress.

The best way to persuade is with your ears. - Dean Rusk

Another

2006-06-29T11:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve been the other woman for a month now.
There are moments that I forget he loves her and appreciates me.
During the moments of time that I think are mine always mine
Are only to be intruded by her because she is the queen in the full house of cards.
I am the joker that is placed haphazardly in the deck
All the while I know this wrong but I am assured that it’s okay to be the other one.
I believed when he said I wish I met you sooner.
When he’s on the phone telling her his longing lover for her
When I voice a concern that I am human and I am becoming attached
That he needs to choose sides.
I’m brushed off because I am here with him more that she is
So why bitch and complain
Just wait till she decides it’s over between her and me
Wait till its over between her and me. That’s what I am supposed to do
Am I that desperate to have someone at my side?
Doing the things
I have never had inside even out side
To look in the mirror and know I am last in his mind
To look in the mirror and know I am second to another
Is this what I am the other woman to any man
When did a become so low to be the other woman to a man
Standing, facing, and calling out my concern
Fighting for what was never mine
Crying as if it was me he was cheating on
Hearing the voice inside reminding me
I’m the other women
I justify my lie
Because I am human and need what he’s offering
Becoming attached to an attached man
Is truly that bad
Telling him and lying to myself that I am the new replacement
Only to hear
I am selfish hormonal and cruel
To make him decide who he cares for more inside even outside
Being insulted with an excuse as to why he can’t hurt her inside even outside
But really hearing
I lover her
You are convenient
And I am never leaving unless she finds out and dumps my ass
Realizing that I am
Demoralizing myself because of what he does
Inside
Outside
Emotional
Financial
For me
Justifying the lie
Because no other man I have met has done the same
Creating the action to
Leave him because I know he’ll never become mine
All the while
Sitting silently as I play the other woman for a month now.

Inflammatory Breast Cancer

2006-06-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

I was surfing the web and came across a newscast from Washington. This newscast was about IBC. What is IBC? Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
This form of cancer is a second type of cancer that is not spoken about and many times misdiagnosed as a bug bite on the breast because the symptoms are similar. I saw the newscast and thought that I should try to alert other women there about this form of cancer.

Some of the symptoms of IBC are
Enlarged breast
Rapid breast growth
Inverted nipple
The breast is hot to the touch
Constant Itching
Redness

How IBC can be detected by your doctor
MRI
Biopsy

Please click here for the newscast:
http://www.komotv.com/news/story.asp?ID=43313

I'm new to the area

2006-05-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

I don’t understand the events that have recently occurred in my life. I could call it a sign or a warning, but at this point both of the words seemingly work.
On last Friday, I went to Wal-Mart to meet with a friend, who works at Wal-Mart, to talk. The reason for our meeting was he wanted to date again and I needed to tell him face to face that I do not want to date him. Also, I came with another intent which was to truly forgive J for his misdeed towards me. I told J I have forgiven him, yet I have not forgiven him because 1) he allows me to keep punishing him 2) I keep reliving the pain by not trusting his sincere attempt to correct the wrong he did. The reason for “re-forgiving” J was recently I learned to forgive in a new definition. The definition I acquired for forgiveness is that I need to let go and stop the unnecessary punishment of myself or the other person. After, understanding forgiveness in this manor I knew I needed to apply what I had learned on J.
Oddly, as I was walking into Wal-Mart, a seemingly nice guy smiles towards me and says hello. I respond back and keep walking into the store. While walking in the isle I “bump” into him again and he ask “Do, you know how to cook?” Ok, now I was going to respond in my usually sarcastic manor but the sincerity in his voice caused me to reply to him kindly. As I replied, “A little bit”, J walks directly in front of us. I look towards his face hoping he would say something, instead he walks off. I brushed it off because I knew he was at work and may not have the ability to stop and speak to me.
The guy who is talking to me is still yapping away about pots and food. I turn to him and say” Well, the pots and pan are in the opposite direction. Plus I am here to get a few toiletries. It was nice talking to you.” Once I said this his expression seemed like a deflated balloon but that was only for a moment until he said, “I’m new to the area, from Atlanta, and I’m tired of doing things alone. You look like a nice person and I’d like to get to know you. Why don’t you just finish your shopping, and I might run into you again at the checkout counter when you’re done.” I felt bad for being so tart towards him, but I knew I could not meet another person and end up the way I have been lately. However I was intrigued by his slight accent 1) because it’s not an Atlanta accent and 2) I like dialects( accents) .So I asked him, “ You’re not from the States originally?” He responds, “I’ve been here for over 9 years. How did you know I was not form the Sates?” I explained to him that most people from Georgia drag the middle and end of the letters in their words and his are very precise .As well, there is a bit of a British sound to his speech which concluded for me that he was not an American. He tells me, “I’m from South Africa.” I respond to him, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t loose your accent.” He laughs and I walk away.
I continue to shop and call j to see where he was so that I could talk to him. However he does not answer nor responds to my text messages. I finished my shopping and headed to self check out. Which I don’t understand how the self-checkout moves slower than the assisted check-out. I think they should get rid of those darn machines and add more cashiers and teach them to work the machines more efficiently. Okay off of that subject. while I am standing in line, unknown man sees me and we begin talking again. I think I kept talking to him because he really seems sincere and an actual down to earth person. Not the ones who say they are down to earth and they are far from easy going. As we kept talking his free spirited, charming, and friendly nature started to win me over. I think it was the fact the he used the "I’m new to the area" line caused me to become a little nicer to him which allowed me to “won” over. Some people I know what it’s like to be in new surrounding and not have any one there they know. I just could not try to become friendly to people in that situation. As, were talking he ask, “Would you like to join me for dinner somewhere?” Err… that type of question I thought only happened in movies, you know .guy just meets girl slight interest in each other. guy asks girl right at that moment to go to dinner. Anywho, I agreed to go with him (in my car and his obviously) Dinner was nice, even though they were closing in 15 min. I know this may sound cliché but we spoke as if we were old friends catching up. Now that I look back the whole time we spoke to each other it was that say cliché ‘we’ve know each other for ever’ feeling. Since then we have kept in touch often and it’s nice to have a guy that is not after one thing or his personal ambitions but I will keep a cautious eye on him.

All Grown Up?

2006-05-04T23:23:00.000-07:00

It is really hard to admit when what a person wants is not really what they wanted. As oddly phrased as the sentence is I know what I am conveying. There is a point in life that the road which is being traveled on that is comfortable is no longer is. Now this road, that was comforting, is now foreign and new because now the traveler wants to go a new direction and the road he/she is on is not the path to get there. I mean we as people, or maybe just me, have these moments when change is unforeseen. I say unforeseen because I thought I have been making a lot of progressive change. Changes I thought were to help me become the person I thought I want to become. To realize that maybe the changes I thought I wanted I don’t. I was changing because I am getting older and the way I was living I knew I could not continuo to do going into my 30s. I suppose a pre mid life crisis but in this case I am not trying to relive some glory years that I missed but becoming a “rounded” adult. Which by the way what is really become “all grown up” about? I have not yet grasped the concept of being an adult.

This is why I started making a lot of the changes to my persona and how I reacted to the world around me. As a child all I can remember was my parents and older figures telling me,” One day child you are going to have to grow up and place childish behavior behind you.” Here I am at 24 about to become 25 in a month and I have no clue what grown up is all about. I mean I have to go to work and I have financial obligations, however I did not picture this as becoming “grown up”. Yes, at time I say and do things that would do at the age of 16. Yet, these reactions and or action part of who I am? Does this determine that I am not an adult? I mean the notion of becoming emotionally attached from stressful situation, to have finical security, to have the love of my life, to have kids, to work at a job that is my career and be happy there, have extra activities to fill my time out of work, and a crap load of friends equate to the being an adult and not a child.

I mean is this what I am supposed to live up to? These socially acceptable ideas of being an adult, I am to be educated, domesticated, loved by all, help all, become secure, and just to have the seal of adulthood approval. This is an overwhelming burden. I think this is why I am frustrated and depressed about. That I am not living up to predestined ideas that are placed before me in the “time frame” that I am supposed to.

Look at me I’m 24 and I am renting an apartment. I have one friend that I am closed to and the other friend is my sister. I work full time to hopefully support myself and go to school. This, school by the way, is killing me. I try to save. I try to keep in good health. All the while wondering, is this the adult life I am supposed to have? Now, don’t get me wrong I have had opportunities to do other things and I closed the door just now to realize that I should of could of would have. However at this point is not going to change the now. I am not the typical mold for the adult other adults before me envisioned. Living the way I am now. I am not truly happy however I don’t really know what could make me happy. On the other hand do I want to be what I’m supposed to be or opposite?

The Power of Words

2006-04-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

Ever meet a person and they tell you all that your soul and mind needs to hear. Only to end up in bed with them (or no sex at all) and enjoying the moment. Becoming caught up in a rapture, as the song by Anita Baker goes, but we all know it is not going past the sheets. Deep down inside you know nothing is ever going to come of this encounter of words and physical being. Yet, there is a small voice deep down inside that wants you to believe that a chance may arise. Wants you to believe this person’s lines will fill the open gap of the missing part that needs a another person to fill up. This is not indicating that as a person his/ her self worth is diminished only that he/she is human. So there you are all caught up in the what if, a fantasy world I’ll call it. Daydreaming of a chance to encounter this one person again. To know why he/she just wasn’t up front from the start or was all of there lines just a hoax.

The Power of Words

I don’t understand him.
The words
The promises
All lead up to one ting
I knew it was coming
Yet, I played as if I didn’t know.
I knew I would awake and move to the door.
Only to smile and ponder on him for more days to come.
Yet, in the end I would only see him as an apparition during my sleeping moments. Those moments would awake me, unnerve my senses, cringe m y body for more.
The lines are what sticks even more.
The touch is only a fading afterthought.
The words are what sticks even more.
Dam those words.
They encapsulate and hold prisoner my mind
And part of my soul.
Words
No longer remembering the a physical person
Only the communication of one to another
Words
Strong
Elusive
Intrusive
Words
The syntax of a few undefined and define words
Leave a
Showing heart
I don’t understand him
Did he have to use
Those words
To woo me

Half

2006-04-25T15:53:00.000-07:00

Yearn for more than just words or a simple touch
A connection that has a deeper meaning beyond today and tomorrow
A feeling that last more than 20 minutes
A nidus of emotions,
Two beings can not express
To anyone our side of their
One
Knowing a conception was not merely
Physical in senses but metaphysical
In the One
Understanding life has more to offer than now
Seizing what is unseen to become seen
While working towards a common goal
Still keeping form of individual self
Yet moiety existing with in one
Soul

I got 5 on it

2006-04-19T12:46:00.000-07:00

How can you scream “I got 5 on it “
When you can’t even pay 5 on that credit card bill
Taking 5
On the rim
The clothes
The look
That isn’t even yours
To feed an addiction
Called spending
Yet that 5 on it
Isn’t going to wards
Retirement
That
I R A
But
No it’s
A T M
Like money
Is going to be there
Forever
Don’t you remember?
Those 40+ hours
You put in to
Get that 5
And here you are
Blowing it on
Materialistic crap
That’s doesn’t even matter
Trying to be the Jones
When the Jones
Are fictional characters
I don’t understand why there are
So many going broke to live a
Lifestyle that isn’t theirs
Cuffing themselves to a
Min payment and 30% interest
Yelling I got 5 on it
What about a financial legacy
Yell about that

Stir up

2006-04-17T08:24:00.000-07:00

I saw an old “flame" while I was shopping this weekend and some feelings started to stirrup, but I knew I couldn’t go back to him. It's like wanting a huge chocolate chip cookie but knowing it will do bad things to my will power to stay on my eating plan is my chocolate chip cookie. I can’t have him because of the drama he brings with him but he's ooo so good.

What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.

That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.

Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.

This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?

These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.

Ultimate male experience

2006-04-11T02:33:00.000-07:00

I'm well endowed and seeking a
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.

GIVER

2006-04-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

I try hard to obtain what I want, yet it appears as if I am trying to hard. I don't know what it is when I try to keep people close and show that I am good person it's taken as if I am trying to breathe the same air they are. Then when I step back and give space it seems like I don't care at all. The attempt in understanding that maybe it's me and maybe it's me is hard but is not the focus of my life. I say this because kindness is not something I have to give but I do because it is who I am.

So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.

I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.

That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .

Let known

2006-04-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

If I were to stop allowing you in
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were

Apologies...

2006-04-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

Sorry I have not been posting as much just between work and school I really don't have a lot of time to write like I need to.Hopefully after midterms,I should have should be back to some kind of schedule?!

Take care and I hope all is well with each of you

Nyk

Morphing Love

2006-03-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

Talk to me

Walk with me

In the journey that is call love

Many say love is an abstract notion

Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence

But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract

I know that my thoughts of you

In you

Around you and

Through you is literal

In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love

Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth

This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete

Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?

Who says I have to play the role of the woman

And you play the role of the man

Lets us work together for the greater good

The life we both want to live

Not the roles we are condemned to portray

Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us

From birth till death

Let's create a new movement with

Individualism

Creativity

Objectivity

Open communication

Understanding

And so much more

Please take each hand in an open palm

Fingers interlaced

Skin touching so tenderly

In this walk that is love

Not the new age crap that is running rampant

But an old school respect and view of love

Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love

Flare ups

2006-02-28T20:45:00.000-08:00

Am I evil? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it is karma coming back to haunt me for all of the stupid and some times hurtful things I have done.
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.

After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.

I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?

A little more than a week later...

2006-02-22T10:35:00.000-08:00

Just to let everyone know I am slowly getting over my rut of mixed emotions. Honestly I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but I am going to manage how I am feeing by focusing on my health. Plus I have been letting go of people, adittudes, and financial issues that I felt were a burden to my life. I guess it is just an unexplainable feeling that comes and go but I can not allow that feeling to consume me.

Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..

A Thought On Rual American Thinking

2006-02-22T09:35:00.000-08:00

Why is that people who live in a small suburban area or parts of the country that are densely populated think that evil will never prevail them?

I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.

It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?

What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.

The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?

confuseddumfounderandotherstuff

2006-02-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

Lately, I can not finish what I have started in my life. For example, I was so hyped to start the drastic changes I needed to make in my life. Now it's like I just don't care anymore, as if I don’t want to try to put forth an effort to do anything. As odd and crazy as that sound, the kicker here is that I don't know why. I wonder if others felt the way I do now. I mean feeling as if the true self, who you really are, is fighting to get out but only to be suppressed down each time. You can see yourself but you are not within yourself. I guess this reminds me of something an old friend of mine said when she was trying to loose weight. At the time I found the comment funny, I am now looking back at that moment and kind of understanding what truth it rings. "I am living in a body that I am not made for and she's fighting to get out of the fat." I feel that each day I live is not the life that I am supposed to be living as if everything around me is surreal. I want to get out of this rut I feel (or even if it is feel).I am trying to understand why I am in the unknown state but it's like a record with a lump in it. The record keep going around and everything seems to flow but I hit that bump and for a moment I'm wondering what’s going on. Now, some call this depression and I have been depressed before however this feeling I have is nothing like being depressed. I guess I can call it acting with a costume. I have no issues keeping up with doing for other but I am unresponsive with myself. I smile when I want to scream and I scream when I want to cry.
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how

New title of blog

2006-01-29T01:26:00.000-08:00

I changed the name from Girliedy to Musing of Herself and the World Around Her. I think the new one somewhat captures what I'm doing here. Please give your feedback on the new change.

How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me

Blessings

Smoking is bad for our air

2006-01-27T15:06:00.000-08:00

I was watching the new yesterday and they were reporting about second hand smoke in CA, Basically the California Air Resources Board had announced "second-hand smoke as a toxic air contaminant that can cause or contribute to illness or death".

Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?

Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?

The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.

It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.

The last few days I have been thinking about

2006-01-25T09:57:00.000-08:00

the work that I am doing for a paycheck. I have come to realize that I loathe people and working. Yes, that's right, loathe.

Why?!

It is that I have been doing servant type jobs since I was 15 years old. No, not a maid or food industry work but child care and customer service, which I believe is way harder than most jobs out there.

Let's start with my first job, childcare.
I started the job as a teacher's aid at the ripe 'ol age of 15. I mean, I was a kid myself and there I was telling other kids to listen and behave for my approval/attention. Moronic, yep.
How did I get this job?
Well, my dad knew the dean at a private Christian school and was able to get me the job. Now, he did not do this because I begged and pleaded to work. Hell no! He did this to relieve the burden of having less work providing for 3 kids and what is the easiest solution. Send his oldest child to work for her own stuff. Don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to work because I wanted to have what my family could not afford so I took to working like going to the doctor to get a check up , you kind of have to go.
Deep down I did not want to work. I wanted to be involved with other teens that were doing after school stuff but, I knew I had responsibilities and wants/needs which were not going to be left in my lap because I deserved it. I had to go and work for it. Honestly, I am a slacker yet I do what I need to do no more or less, unless, I am truly in love with what I am doing then I am passionate, driven, and obsessive about the task.

A personal note: I hate working for another person. I work and then when I have the fruits of my labor in my hand I have to give it away to another person. This work and billing scam going on is great. I swear you give 8+ hours of life away to give more than 1/2 to the government, give more than another 1/4 to bills and hope there is something left for yourself(this rant is for the money challenged).

Ok but back on subject.

I hated/loved those kids but the parent’s gosher the parents. They drove me up a wall with their inability to see or understand that their child was the spawn of the devil. During this time I had to be nice and calm. I had to place my self out of the daily interactions, basically shove being honest and forthright out of the window. If I wanted to say what was truly on my mind I would have to say what I really meant in a kind, considerate, monotone manor to appease the paying parent.

After I graduated from high school I keep right on working
This was a cashier at a photocopying store. While I was there I was nice and polite. I worked well with others but sometimes my kind nature by my co-workers was taken advantage of. Any case that was a breeze compared to dealing with unhappy customer who wanted to use me as the sounding board of their frustrations, anger, or just plan evilness. At times what I really wanted to say was;"Hey look! Does is it say printing specialist on my tag? No it does not. Then why are you bitching at me?" Instead I would have to smile, apologize, and then remain calm so that I could explain to the best of my abilities what was wrong and what I could do. More stuffing the truth down my throat.
Moving on to the next job which was customer service over the phone for an online travel agency.
This was my gate way to realize how dumb and rude people are over the phone. It also gave meaning to George Orwell's description of "Big Brother Is Watching" complex that many large corporations have.
I came to understand that when you work with another person over the phone they feel they are ambiguous enough to say and act as they please. But yet again I have to push aside how I really wanted to respond to the situation with the customers to appease the corporate heads.

I left that job and for 4 months out of my working history I was not working per say. I still had to look for work which is just like working.

Then I got work again of all places another customer service job.
O God the insanity. Again customers and corporations are horrid. (That is the nicest word I could use so, I'll stick to that.)

Being in customer service is the battle of the mind. It is mentally draining which causes physical fatigue. Having to adhere to a clock, to a specific schedule as to how much time on and off the phone.
Being in childcare is the battle of the body and mind. It is mentally draining to deal with another person's child. Having to speak in a manor not to offend the child, to deal with the parent with child gloves, and not strangle the child in the mean times.

People ask where the customer service is.
People ask where good child care is.
I ask: How can people demand top notch service and treat the people servicing them inhumane?
I know we all pay for service and demand the level of service biased on payment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some great people I have worked for but they are an exception to the mass growing of abuse on people who have to service a paying public. On the other hand people feel they have the right to treat the person they called in for help like trash. As if the person they are talking to is beneath them.
I am not beneath no person yet I take the abuse. Many people in my job title take this abuse and have pretty high esteem but when each person has bills to pay and the career of their dreams is not obtainable the meantime jobs pay the bill. We have been trained to not take the abuse personally, yet how can you tell a person who is being personally assaulted not to take it personally. To smile remain calm be polite don’t yell don’t respond back to the customer in the manor they are treating you. Ah the canned robotic response to frustrated customers, I'm sorry ma'm/sir to hear your situation but there are no other options available.
The paying public has such high expectations they want met yet people forget other people have to meet those unrealistic goals.
Let me go through a CSR's call
Log in take a call
Follow company protocol for the call
Great the customer
Tell them you're happy they called
Up sale
Wrap up/recap
Thank for business and time
Note the account
Hang up
Next call
All calls are to be with in 2-3.5 minutes can not keep the customer's waiting.
That is a simple call. That is the basic of all call the company wants all calls to go like this.
I could go into more of the politics of CSR but this is not why I wrote this.

I am thankful I am not in a job right now that is as stressful as my last jobs yet it is mundane. I hate routine. I need variety and I'm not getting it here. I like my job currently in medial customer service /medical sales support but I loathe dealing with people because I have been doing this for so long. I am burned out. I feel myself going to work and go through the motion but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to focus on finishing school and enjoy life around me for once. I don't want to be responsible and captious. I want to know what it is like to be young just for a few moments. To have a carefree moment for once with out having to think of rent, utilities, savings, groceries, insurance, medical, retirement, ect. I know I won’t have that luxury. Having to deal with the demands of other people and not being able to voice what I want to really say is taking its toll. To have your voice stiffen because whom you're speaking with basically pays your bills is wrong. Just because you pay my bills doesn’t equate that you treat me with out respect. I give respect but I am not donning to feel like people should be shot. Ah.... being an adult as they call this is hard. Then again who said life is easy. I am looking for a way to have a positive outlook on working but since I’m a college student and I for a while what a bad budgeter I have to wait till I save up enough money to stop working for 2 years which will take me 3 years to do. I just want a break,to breathe.I've been hyper ventalling for so long,my mind and body are slowly passing out. I know I will inhale soon :)

Questioning

2006-01-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

This is my first questioning session. I guess reading a few fellow blogger out and some questions popped into my mind

Why do people want to get married?

I don’t seem to understand what is with the deal with marriage. I should not have to show a bunch a people that I am willing to become committed through an over/under priced ceremony. Once the person and I have made a promise to each other, then we have the same values of a marriage.
Religiously, yes marriage is to show a man and a woman’s commitment to each other before God. But when did it become a relationship’s rite of passage?
I once asked a male friend why he should get married.
He responded,” To remain faithful to one woman and only be with her. Because she is the source of everything am to need, want, protect and desire this woman for the rest of my life.”
My response was: Isn’t that what you are doing when you are dating a woman for a long period of time. Why is that you have to go through a ceremony to get a piece of paper to confirm what your relationship is already biased on?”
I have noticed that more and more people in “long term” relationships feel the need to impel themselves into marriage, as if seemingly, a couple that does not get married their relationship has no validity. My thing is don’t make more out of a relationship than there already is with a force commitment that should come naturally.

Why is media so canned?

I, yes, watch AI on Tuesday night to see what the season was going to be about and snickered at the failed attempts at carbon copy stardom. The whole time I am watching I wondered: where is the creativity, the struggle, and the effort of being a true artist? It seems that the artist that deserve the recognition are pushed to the back and we the reverer’s of art succumb to digging in the pile of muck to get what we really want , human incentives. Now, I used AI as an example but the news, book, movie, dance, art, and theater basically all mediums of entertainment are the same. It is as if I am having leftover forever and it is sickening. Take a moment to think, that is why piracy is so high because people are tired of junk. I’m sick of paying my hard earned dollars to an industry that believes I should have to pay for shi**y stuff . If I went to my employer and treated them the way the media does the reverer’s of art, I’d be out of a job. Why can’t it be the same for media?

Why is that people are complaining with no form of recourse?

I read and I hear people complain about the world around them, yet they do nothing to change or put forth change. Don’t give criticism if you don’t have something behind it to make a change. No not say something to make it better but to actually go out and put the words into action. I see that it is easier for people to speak but to do is a different story. It is disarming to hear great ideas and people are waiting for someone else to go out and do the footwork for them. Unfortunately life and change does not work that way but most people think that it does. There is no reason for a country such as America that is ran by the people for the people to be in such condition that it is in. People say it is the politics yet do you know that we elect those people into office. If we wanted to remove each person we as a nation could but that requires each person to put forth an effort to do that. Americans can’t sit and wait for someone to do it for them because if we each look around that idea is not working.

Why is that when people speak(verbal) they are lazy with the enunciation/ pronunciation of the words?

Ask. Say it . Now do you say ax. Arugh. Yea I know there are people with speech impediments, accents, ect. With those reason out of the way, what is so hard in saying a word correctly or better yet speaking in a manor that another person can completely understand with out misunderstanding? I know I am at fault,and I constantly work on that part of my words. I find it funny when someone enunciates/ pronounces a word wrong and they expect you to know what they said. Umm no, the telepathy is off today and won’t be back ever. Try speaking in a clear manor because it’s really not that hard when an effort is placed.

Well that’s my ranting for now. Thanks to all the writers out there that caused me to think it helped a lot!!

I recived this via an email today

2006-01-16T14:29:00.000-08:00

Someone will always be prettier.

Someone will always be smarter.

Someone's house will be bigger.

Someone will drive a better car.

Someone's children will do better in school.

And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go,

and love you and your circumstances.

Think about it.

The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.

And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.

And the richest woman you know,

she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.

And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."

So, again, love you.

Love who you are.

Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say

"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"

"Winners make things happen.

Losers let things happen."

"To the world you might be one person,

but to one person you just might be the world".
Have a beautiful day!
-unknown

I came back

2006-01-11T23:43:00.000-08:00

I know it's early but I noticed that my writing needed to be freed. The next week school is starting so it's not workable (if that is a word) to do it on the 19th. Well I hope the holidays were well for everyone. Vegas was fun!! I won 300 on roulette, did the strip (my clothes stayed on, no stripping for me <--- yeah a weak joke, talk to strangers at tables and on the streets, and rode the monorail. No shopping, ack, I know. But over all I had a good time. Not going back for a while I like my money just a bit too much and gambling is expensive. Ok but more of my kvetching and soul searching through my writings. I love writing it helps me see what I can’t see in my mind yet it shows I have a lot of work to make it better. A better person or to see my world in my words to laugh cry and have an ah ha moment. I guess that is part of why I am here. Ok ok I'm rambling but one more thing I love feed back. I thank God for allowing me to be in your presence and lastly welcome!!

Take care

Everything will be ok. I am starting to believe in that

2006-01-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

I want to confess that:

I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.

Now:

I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.

I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.

So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control

Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.

This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.

There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.

Makes me feel. Exhale

2006-01-09T16:32:00.000-08:00

I am alone for once in my adult life. Since I have been 19 I have been from one fling to another. I really never had time to myself because I did not want to be by myself. I needed to have the closeness of another person. Not just for sex but to know that person was there when I needed them. I needed another person to validate me instead of self validation. I needed to be the girl that helped a man through his transition phase and then move on. These last few days I have been inundated with a lot of information about myself and I was in awe about how other people have perceived me.

This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.

- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with

Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.

While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.

Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.

I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh

Just a little talk with Jesus II

2006-01-06T16:16:00.000-08:00

Here I am again talking about this again and guess what I have made a decision.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.

It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.

I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.

I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.

Makes me feel.Inhale

2006-01-04T15:05:00.000-08:00

Could I be making a mistake?
Humm an interesting thought but then again I have had this thought very often, yet this time it is actually of a thought provoking and a slight motivation to actually change what I was becoming so comfortable with.
However I am fearful of the change because this is out of my control and out of my realm of actually “foreseeing” what the outcome is. ML has made me see myself for what I knew was possible and what was not possible. A lot of what ML has made me aware of I needed to do for a long time. Indistinctively, I knew I needed to do what was being brought forth to my attention but I was not willing to make the changes because I thought I am not that bad off.

Ah! I need to retrace how I have consciously decided to do.
I am noticing that God has a way of making apparent what needs to be done.

I have just recently broken up with SB. I thought we were going to have something long term and committed. (This by the way is a first for me if I was going to be committed.) He stated to me that it was in God’s will that we needed to be apart and oddly I understood. I knew there were things that I needed to work on and become more consistent in other aspect. I remember that SB stated our relationship was a hindrance to what he needed to be doing with the will of God. At first I did not like hearing that but I knew that it was the truth for both of us, once I became more comfortable with the truth I knew I needed to take the time necessary to do what it is that I need to do with myself and my spirituality.
Then came along ML.

He came back into my life when I came to church on Christmas day and saw him there. We spoke briefly about what’s going on in our lives, exchanged numbers, and I left. ML and I spoke on New Years day and he wanted to know if I had a good time in Vegas as well when I was coming back. A few minutes of talking and ML ask me if I was wanted to become involved with a casual relationship. I was taken aback when he asked me this because of his history with women and as well I did not think I was much of his type. ML assured me that no matter what he was not going anywhere and that we’ve known each other too long to let a casual fling interrupt our friendship. I agreed with him.

On the other hand, knowing that I just came out of a relationship 14 days ago I needed to make certain I was not rebounding because I had an itch to have sex; I don’t need to fall into the immediate gratification trap. During my adult life I have not know what it was like to be alone because I would go fling to fling or be in a relationship and has a side “ team”. I owed it to myself to actually be alone for once. I knew after SB that my heart could not handle another break up. I did not want to go through the whole relationship process all over again for I am beginning to become weary of the toll it is taking. However I like the feeling of a relationship because it gives me a chance to help another person through their struggle in life to maybe make them a better person. In a sense feel needed and wanted for what I am doing for them. Odd I know but it makes me happy when I see the changes I am helping bring forth to another person.
A side thought though: I feel horrible for moving on so quickly. I don’t right now know what to categorize my feelings for ML or if I should even have any. I don’t think I could feel the way for anyone else that I have with SB. Then again maybe these feelings I think I have for ML are just admiration for his ability to conjure in me the feelings I have been longing for, for so long.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to be awakening into a state of total consciousness of myself by ML’s words.
ML told me he had been interested about having sex together for a while but did not know if I would be open to him.
I let ML know that I am used to an open relationship but I wanted something more than just friends with benefits. I enjoy the freedom of such an arrangement but at the same time I wanted some of the normality of a non open relationship.
He countered my request with the question how could I want anything when I don't know what it is that I want?

An interesting question he prompted...
How could I want what I speak of yet I don’t know really what it is that I want nor who exactly I am? I have figured out the more I have been talking to ML that, I have issues which need to be tended to.

Then ML adds to this by stating; " Nykki why can't you take things one step at a time? All things will come to you in time. What you want to know now will come in time. You can’t rush everything nor can you pre-plan every aspect of your life. Just go with the flow for once and relax.

Arughhh. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to wrap my head around the understanding to almost everything because if it doesn’t make sense to me why should I be doing anything. It is me needing need to know why, why not, and how come. These questions I need my answered before jumping into anything. I can't have these feelings and then in the long run it was a game. I don't like suffering needlessly if I can prevent it. That is why I need to know all of this information before hand to know what it takes years to know today because I hate how I feel when I have been put through an emotional rollercoaster as well I know what it is like to be the cause of the rollercoaster. O Ay Ay I don’t know what it is to relax. I have had to be a thinker for such a long time that being laid back and easy going is like asking night to be day and day to be night. Strongly enough I know that I can make the minor adjustment to make my life less complicated.

I have noticed that the more and more I was talking with ML he understood exactly what I was saying and not saying. He made me completely open; I did not hide anything from him or felt that I had to hide anything. I was refreshing to be completely honest and frank with anyone. He responded with out me having to overly elaborate what I was trying to convey across to him. For once in my life I knew what it felt like to be understood. I did not have this feeling with SB. It was like with SB I was a care giver, a slight partner, a parent, a friend, a character. I was comfortable taking care of him and slowing beginning to see the positive changes in myself because of his positive, warm and carrying persona. I wanted to be this open with SB but I did not know if he could handle a lot of the stuff I had done in my past. I have not done anything crazy but I have had a very open sexual life, I have cheated on previous bf's I have had an abortion, and I have attempted suicide. I have heard the lines from men that wanted to know my past and they say that can handle what I have to say as well as that they would not look at me any differently. But once I go into my story, they each change and treat me just a little differently. Now with ML I have told him some of these things and he is still treating me the same and his understanding that I don’t’ need to be a picturesque girl is a warm feeling.

This experience with ML I was not in control. I did not know what to expect/ I was vulnerable and this scares me. It alarms me that ML had the ability to comprehend and respond in the manor that he has in the last few days. I have known him for such a long time and all I thought he was is a womanizing nymphomaniac. I know it is unfair of me to think of ML in this manor but when all of our conversations have been about his last conquest and the next one he is going to conquer, what am I supposed to think. These last few days have shed a lot of light on ML and I’m glad I have been fortunate enough to see this side, finally.

ML asked me a few question some sexual and some thought provoking. I like the thought provoking enjoyed the sexual questions but I am going to divulge the thought provoking because that is what is sticking with in me.

What do you want Nykki?
: Silence:
What do you want Nykki?
I’m waiting for an answer
: Silence:
I gave a half ass answer but I am going to answer honestly now

I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want the drowning in y self, my emptiness, the certainty, the pain, the loneness, the infrequency, not being fulfilled, not being motivated, not being kept interested, the lies, the constant searching, not being what I feeling now, not learning , not being appreciated, no romance or creativity and not being completely myself.

What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?

I gave a blanket answer more so a sexual appeasing answers. Here is the truth

I want to be completely myself; I want to show what it is like to give unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and support. To still be strong in my faith of God with you. I want physical intimacy not sex but to know that you are pleased, attracted to me. To have in the intimacy creativity, openness, fun and consistency. To let you know I am not jealous if you need to go outside of me to do what I can’t do. To know that you can trust me with all inner most parts of whom you are and want to be. To have you grow to your full potential with us and never loosing who you are. When it all boils down to know you are happy with me or that if you are not happy with me that our friendship allows us to be happy with whoever is right for us. Mutual respect.

Is that a bit sappy, yeah. A bit unrealistic, yep but I feel that I can do that and I deserve to attempt to have this and a little more. I don’t ask for much as many men have the tendency to tell me. This is realistic for me.

This is unknown territory.
The tables have been turned on me
I know what is to be helped
When I am drowning in myself
I understand why I acquire men who need help
Because those times have prepared me for now
This now
I see what I have been missing in my personal walk called life
I like the way I feel.
It is warm,
This unknown territory, in an odd sense is comfortable
It is a soft breeze on a clear day
The feeling I don't think I'm ready for it to leave
It’s a struggle yet an affirmation
Like a fairy tale but not ending in the cliché words of happily ever after
Its beginning in a manor not expected in or that I would least expect nor will it end
In the typical manor
Expect.
This word unknown is ironically safe and secure.

Hummm. Am I making a mistake?

VACATION

2005-12-30T08:06:00.000-08:00

To anyone who reads this post I am on vacation from tonight till the 5th of January 2006 in Vegas. After the vacation,I am going to take two weeks to recoup from my relationship loss as well as make a plan to follow my note to self stuff. Long story short I'll be writting around Jan 19th.

Thank you for sharring my life with me and enjoy your New Year celebrations!!

Nykki

Note to self

2005-12-24T18:59:00.000-08:00

I am going to write a non love post soon because this over emotional stuff is too much on my psyche. I need to see more of the world around me and respond. A more well rounded person. No New years resolutions and no stupid I promise to stop doing this. I am going to like me and bear with the nuances of my persona the best I want to not can. I know that I am a great person and there is talent in here somewhere. Even if don’t know what to believe in or how I will make more sense and accept who I am for whom I am. The world is a place I live in and I need to make it bearable for those around me but conducting myself in a manor that if look back on that situation I am truly ok with it not just dealing because it happened. Because I love me each day fat and all... Ha-ha.

“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
-unknown

From that point foward

2005-12-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

I got a text today from S. He tells me that he was out of town for the past week and did not come back till Friday. He also tells me that he got my note and did not understand what I was saying and that it seemed like I had a lot on my mind as well he was praying about us. I responded back that I had a lot on my mind. He tells me that maybe it is for the best because he wants to be in the will of God and that I am a sweet young lady.

I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.

Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.

Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.

I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.

Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.

O woe woe eww eeeee ahrgh haaa

2005-12-21T09:04:00.000-08:00

A description of the title: When I feel bad I make noises to describe my mood instead of words. Childish, I know but it makes me feel better because when someone asks me how goes it I then make my noises per my mood and it makes me and sometimes the other person laugh.

Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.

This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.

Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.

I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.

Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.

I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.

I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.

People are such Aholes

2005-12-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

Lately I have noticed that more and more people are just down right mean for no reason.

For example I am trying to get on the freeway and a car about 20feet from me will speed up and prevent me from getting on the freeway. I don’t understand why a person would need to speed up to prevent someone from getting in front of them when they were not driving that fast from the get go.
I never did understand this fascination with drivers and not allowing someone else to get in front of them when necessary.

I have gotten to the point when I have to go out in public I need to have a "tuff skin" to deal with other people. It is like I am a no nonsense person and if you hit me, I’m going to hit you back. I don't like having this demeanor however it keeps me from being ran over from the people whom have forgotten please and thank you.

If I am nice to people they act as if I was supposed to be courteous to them. This to me is not right. I was always told when I was younger that being kind to another person is not a right it is a privilege but be kind to another person because you may need that same kindness reciprocated one day.

I have noticed that when people are in their cars or an open place they forget what manners are. The perceptions of people is that they have the right to do as they please, when they please, and with no form of recourse from anyone.

I want those obnoxious people to pay for being aholes however it is becoming common place to reward those that are rude and inconsiderate instead of the other way around. I say if people stay putting rude people in their place it may help with the ongoing issues. Being passive because "people are crazy” is not an excuse. When I feel that I am being inundated with rudeness I politely tell the person that I don’t like what they are doing, shockingly a lot of the time the person did not realize they were being so self-centered!

I'm just concerned that people may get to the point that the gesture for thank you will be a middle finger and for thank you a kiss my a**. We all need to become more community focused instead of self focused because you are not the only person out there that has to live in the planet. So why not help make things easier for yourself and others.

Perm

2005-12-18T11:30:00.000-08:00

Natural and flowing free from radicals
Smooth yet soft adorning my crown
This beauty was mine

Twelve was when we first met
He came with five mysterious parts
Out of a box he came: a large white round container, a taller round
container and two smaller round containers with a medium length light brown
stick

I had no say in the directions
I was told it was for my own convenience
Beauty was pulled into four different directions
and then bound in their places

A twelve year olds excitement as the taller round container
combined with the large white round container
the medium length light brown stick made them one.
Tap Tap Scrape

The cool combination of one touches my beauty
The excitement turns to anticipation and fear
Will it all still be there? I ask as the last combination of one
is placed on my bound beauty
Yes it will, was my reassurance

30 second my beauty felt this fire
A fire that only come from an unknown substance
Filling my body with a burning sharp and prickling sensation
Tears filled twelve year olds eyes; fear and doubt were soon to follow
As water came to make my beauty clean

Sitting up the beauty that was once tight curls absorbing water
Now was slick and dripping with water.
After being dried I noticed that I was free of curls
as my beauty moved with a different form of grace.

This grace came with a cost
a 6 week life span of course
Then it was back to the combination of one
To obtain the grace I was told was convenient

Splits and breaks. Long to short
How was this combination of one
convenient for any one.
With beauty all that was needed was moisture
Wash and put aside.
Grace he came with so much more

To have the grace everyone thought was acceptable came
With such a high cost
That from momma to child they all have to pay the cost.

The reason for the cost
Momma said beauty with grace would be easier for her and me
She said we’d fit in better with grace than with beauty
She knew grace was acceptable to live in chaos
For she could not take on beauty any more than she could handle grace

Just a little talk with Jesus I

2005-12-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

●According to Enclopedia Britannica “Humans relate to what they regard as holy, sacred, spiritual, or divine. Religion is commonly regarded as consisting of a person's relation to God or to gods or spirits yet moral conduct, right belief and participation in religious institutions are elements of religion”.

●Religion is attempting to do is create answers to the basic questions that we ask ourselves. (Why do we suffer? Why is there evil?)

●Religion according to Miriam Webster is “… a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices and cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with and/or and faith”.

I bring this up because I hate man in religion. Now that I have said that, it is in no way shape or form denying to myself or others that there is not a God. The reason I am saying this is this past summer I took a philosophy class about the seven major religions of the world. After the class was over, I believed my mind and eyes were opened to a lot of things that I have been blindly following because I was told this is the way it is. It is unfortunate when there are questions about religious actions or ideas that a bland answer such as, because it is in “His” word that it should make me subjective to follow. The apostle Paul wrote: when I was a child, I acted like a child and once I became a man I acted as a man ¹. I am using this paraphrase of the actual scripture because as I grow into a woman the ideas and beliefs that were suggested that I were to follow I was able to do so with out question for I was not allotted the ability to go and seek on my own but I am older now and I know the world is not as rose glassed colored as I assumed. So for a man called by God to teach, lead, and support the children of God; I need more substance than “He is God” or read the word for clearer understanding. Now that I have introduced a little of my background I have been combating these thoughts for a few months now: I believe that I am a Christian. I like the faith and the ideals to make my life easier to bear day to day but I hate the institutions of Christianity, more so or not the church. I see it as man becoming involved with the rituals of faith by structuring the views set in the bible as his/her own.

Here I am stuck because what I have learned from the philosophy class was that the bible may have been ordained by God to write through certain authors. But there was a time that the roman empire was rewriting the bible and if certain parts did not fit in the bible that the Romans wanted it was destroyed. Now that may sound crazy yet there has been proof to show that other parts of the bible were written to give more insight to the bible, were written before or after certain parts of the bible, and that the bible was set to show as if certain parts were foreseeing the future when in actuality they were written during the time they happened but rewritten to fit in the era they were not from (foreseeing Christ coming into the world in Psalms, I think.) Then my next issue is how we portray Jesus as part of the trinity. How a lot of Christian based faiths are indicated that it is God the Father, the son and the Holy spirit. In no way am I indicated there was no Jesus but I am confused as to why when we pray we have to go through Jesus to get to the Supreme One. If Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we could speak to the father and he is one of the holy tinity; why do I have to pray in Jesus’ name? That seems a bit illogical to me almost as if I am Catholic¹ in the same sense that if I were Catholic I would have to talk to a priest who talks to God for me. I am lost in transitions. Should I believe what I want to believe based off of what I am learning on my own or should I follow blindly to what I have been told , accepting what others think to believe as true?

Honestly I think No. The reason being is there is a scripture that indicates: study to show thy self approve¹. How can a person study a religion to show themselves approved yet they know not the history of this religion , they do not truly understand why it they are doing what they are doing or for that matter if what they are doing is actually part of the scriptures they are supposed to be reading. This ties back to why I hate man in religion. Because man takes what they have read ,comprehends what they have read to their understanding of the Supreme One and then dictates what they have read to others as if “God” told them to say it and be cause people need a reason to live basically an escape . We blindly follow till something causes a person to think on their own.

This is part one of my journey as I think more I will write more.

Thanks
Me

¹ paraphrased from the actual saying or scripture and I have nothing against Catholics I am just using the ideas to support my reasoning.

My forgiveness cents

2005-12-04T17:31:00.000-08:00

The following passage is taken from The Media’s Image of Arabs an essay written by Jack G Shaheen in 1992:
True to the cliché of the times, the only good Indian was a dead Indian. But when I mimicked or mocked the bad guys, my mother would cautioned me. She explained that stereotypes hurt, that they blur our vision and corrupts the imagination. “Have compassion for all people, Jackie” She said. Experience the joy of accepting people as they are and not as they appear in films, she advised."
I read this truly understood what Shaheen’s mother was saying to him about having compassion for all people. Let me explain why I understood what Shaheen’s mother was saying. I am very understanding person of people, not because I am a Christian or because I am understanding, but because of my family. My mother and father did not say as specifically as Shaheen’s mother to respect other people regardless of color, instead my parents would say to me and my sisters,” you will need people one day so be kind to them”or”what you do to other will have a way of coming back to you. ” Yes, I know this sound as if I should be kind to other because I expect a reward if the tables are turned, but also it taught me to be understanding to people because if the tables are turned would you like the same actions reprociated to you. A lot of time people forget in the mist of their emotions that if the tables were turned, would they want someone to show them compassion. Yet each person allows hurtful stereotypes and personal feeling cloud their thoughts when they are mocking or passing judgment on others. A question that each person could prompt to themselves is: Can each person look past another person who has wrong them and or their family? The answer to this can differ but the majority would say, no. Why is that? I can’t personally answer that question because I forgive in spite of, yet then again I have not been in a situation where another person has killed my family or hurt someone close to me , however I know how I would respond.

I remember a conversation I was having about a year ago with my sister, C, about forgiving someone if they were to kill someone in my family. The conversation was prompted after watching the Oprah show. In the episode there was a mother and her granddaughter, the granddaughter wanted to meet the man who raped and killed her mother. The grandmother could not understand why she wanted to meet this man but accepted that this was her granddaughter’s form of healing. She, the granddaughter, meets the man who had committed this atrocity
to her mother and told him that she had forgiven him for what he had done to her mother. C was taken aback by the fact that the young women forgave the man that killer her mother a. I could not understand why she was so against why the young woman forgave her mothers killer. C’s stance was that he killed her mother so why should she forgive him there is no need to forgive someone who has harmed anyone’s family in that matter. Here is a portion of the conversation:
Me: “Don’t you do thing wrong with or with out thinking and once you have come to your senses wouldn’t you want someone to be understanding and forgive you once you have been punished?”
C’: “What he did was different; he killed another person”
Me: “Okay, so he killed another person. When you lie, steal, and gossip doesn’t that kill another person as well?”
C: “Again that is different; I did not take someone’s life. I just lied, ect. You can not compare killing someone to typical life situations. Killing is just wrong and can not be forgiven”
Me: “So let me understand this, it is okay to hurt a person internally but if the pain is external such as death it is okay because the person is still alive, right. I don’t understand why is that people hold grudges? What’s done is done, yes, everyone has the right to hurt and take time to heal but if you hold on to what has be done wrong to you all you are doing is reliving the pain over and over again. What good is that? “
C: “When a person does wrong they have to be punished and if the punishment is to relive over and over again, that is what they deserve for doing what they did. I know as for me, if someone was to kill one of you guys, I would not forgive the killer; I would want to do an eye for an eye.”
This is a problem. If a person can not let go of the big thing how can they let go of the trivial things in life. I am not stating that when a person does wrong they are not to be punished but how many times must a person be punished for a wrong they have already done.

I have noticed that when I have let go of the wrongs that people have done against me I feel better, Almost in a sense free of the weight of emotions I don’t need. For example, I was left stranded on a date. The guy I was going to go out with dropped me off in the front of the fair because he did not want me to walk from the car to the fair, which I thought was very kind of him to do. As he drove off, he waived to me and I knew he was coming back. Well five minutes turned to fifteen minutes and I wondered where he went. I called his phone, no answer. So, here I am twenty minutes away from home and every one I knew was doing other things and I could not reach anyone. I was hurt, angry, and self depreciated. I wanted to find him and cause hurt that would teach him to never cross my path in that matter again, or anyone else’s in that matter,
but I knew causing pain to him would not rectify what he had done to me. An eye for an eye, in this instance would not take away the multiple of emotions I felt at the time, yes, it would make me feel better but for how long. Once I made him pay for what he did to me, would it take away?
the thought that would plague my mind of that night and the vengeance I took upon him, on the other hand I can forgive him and move on. I forgave him. He gave me whatever reason it was that he stranded me but I did not care because I let go of the emotions that held me to the situation. I let him explain his self for his conscious but I did not care because I internally healed from the pain he caused and let him go with forgiveness. I have spoken to him a few times since but he is not considered a friend.

Forgiveness is a hard word for people to understand but for me it is very easy. Because what I understand forgiveness is to move on. Think of forgiveness in this matter:
To for give of yourself is to let go of your giving self to allow the wrongs a person has
completed against you, to go for good. But in return of allowing your giving self to allow the wrongs to go the person must go.
Now that doesn’t mean to become inhumane to the person, rather they are not in your life as the person they were before you have to forgive them.

Each person has their way to live their life but if each person let’s go of wrongs done in their life to just tolerate another person things may just be easier. Keep in mind I am not stating it is ok to have people walk all over you because you are to stand your ground against your personal injustice but when a situation has already pass to forgive the person and work hard to help others not to relieve that path that has caused you pain. As Sheehan’s mother perfectly put, “Experience the joy of accepting people as they are …” Acceptance is the key because we can not change other but we can change ourselves, if each person is willing to take the initiative to change it may make the world we live in easier to bear.

That’s just my two cents.

My own________ experiance

2005-11-28T21:05:00.000-08:00

I was online reading female misogynist blog spot and she was talking about the suicide of her sister that was pretty recent for them. While I was reading this it struck a cord with me because September 3, 2001 I had attempted suicide myself. Yes, I know now that it was stupid, selfish, and irrational but when I was in the midst of my inner turmoil logic was not what I was clinging to, to hold me sane.

I don’t tend to ever talk about this point in my life, my breakdown, my low point, and my revision. I thought why should I, I knew I made a mistake and I did not want to go back to understand why because I have already done this. Why is that people think we have to dig up an issues , relive it to only burry it again. This is not going to be that in this writting.

Here I am two and half years later prompted to dig out the mess I created, the turning point to who I am now. All because I stopped by another persons bog spot and because my sister threw it in my face during an arument. If there is a skeptics out there that does not believe in the cliché saying, "Things in life happen for a reason" I am here to say they do.

I am now question myself. Asking the question: is this just a trend in my life right now to stop, rethink, react, and change what ever it is that I am doing wrong or right to what could be possibly better? At this point I just don't know.

I keep asking myself this question repeatedly yet I know what I have to do. I stopped have sex so causally. If you talked to me five months ago, I' would have told you I have three and I am pretty content not having a committed monogamist relationship. O gosh don't gasp in anguish about the irresponsibilities of three different men because we all do reckless things, mine was sex. Beside the point, that life style was beginning to get old for me and then I met S.
I am working on my health by working out more, attempting to eat better( which the eating right part is darn near impossible ,but I am trying, while I am working full time going as well as to school full time. The easiest eating right thing is MCD in the car while reading a chapter out of my history book).
Finally I am trying to figure out my spirituality which I have decided to stick with the facade of Christianity because I really like a lot of what it gives the follower. I need emotion the ability to have ranges and restrain whereas with Buddhism I have one monotone reaction. They both flow well and have a lot of common traits in common so I did not loose in the qualities that Buddhism brings because it is within Christianity. However the time to take to become devoted in learning and studying a faith is consuming which makes my life see just a little out of balance.

So here are my three parts of a girlie. (I guess I need to do a 12 week program eh) Wait maybe I will. How ever it goes I am grateful that I had these two situations to jar me into awareness of myslef to become even more aware of Me .

* I have taken the needed physco help for my issues, sometimes being stubborn and wanting to do thing my way creates the vicious circle I go in.

I let my fingers talk

2005-11-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

Yet she sees no one to help heal the pain of what is not there the hidden words that only she hears inside.

why must she hurt

why must she live to the expectant ideals that she does not know .

could falling in love be so easy and falling out be so far.

is this what life is made up of the tireless questions of the no answers soon too come.

Could I sell you this torn shirt these tight jeans? They are cute because all the famously rich and self righteous people are wearing them . OO ya'll look how cute you could be in them. Your hopes and dreams are in the materilistic view that I am selling you. All I need is your soul and the pin to your atm card.

Come on now don't be shocked that I am offering you the life you could never have. I mean you give your money to talentless , irresponsible, ungrateful people and you cant give me your soul and the pin to your atm card?

I want to know why when she goes to the mirror the finger is pointed down her throat in disgust that she cant be a size 0 in a huge house and with all the money the world doesn't have to offer.

Why is it that he stands in the mirror wishing he was tall and strong. Chisaled and secure. Hitting his fist to his chest trying to be the pretend man that no woman wanted him to be in the first place.

I can't make the craziness go away only the person within can. Untill each person comes to their own awakening then the vicious circle will contenou picking up new "victims"

Ah yes "victims" because that is what he/she is called when they allow themselves to be caught up in the conterprodutive stlye that the beast and beauty called society. However each wanted to live their life don't place the blame on the unfaced name of society because you, are society

This is meant to be

2005-11-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

Ever feel like there was that one person that would be there no matter what….

Not the case…

I thought (o here comes a lot of issues here with this one) that the one would at least show up and spend time with me but I guess I was wrong.

I am not overly dependant but when it come around to things that are really important to me I would like it if the person I hold dear would show up and at a reasonable hour.

I don’t expect a lot of any person. I just want the basics met. I am open and free spirited. I don’t tell people what they have to do and when they have to do it. I just want to be valued and respected. However in this game that is called dating, this is not the case.

I am not a psycho girl. I am not an emotional needy broad. I am not a gold digger. I am not time consuming.

I am dependable. I am independent. I understand. I am compassionate. I am loveable.

Yet time and time again these qualities are taken advantage of and it hurts.

I want to give in the towel. I say those words time and time again, as well as I am not going to have high expectations or expect much yet I fall into the trap each time a new person comes into the picture.

Meaning to do well I may give the appearance that I am easy and will be understanding to everything. But once I stand my ground, the person who said they care so much suddenly disappears. Here I am again wondering what I have done so wrong to make that person leave me. I beat myself up trying to make sense of what I need to do to make sure being left alone to pick up the heart I wear so easily on my sleeve is not hurt again.

I finally tell myself the bogus line; he wasn’t good for me because he could not see what a good person I am. I keep telling myself this and other positive, reassuring, and comforting words till I believe them to the point I have forgotten what his name was.

This is frustrating. This is unfair. This is unjustifiable. Yet I keep going back to the field of rose bushes to become lodged with a thorn again because this is what I think I have to go through for the future love of my life.

Well, I laugh at this demoralizing process and if things with S don’t work how I need them to. I am not going back.

Human Papillomavirus and Cervical Cancer

2005-11-18T09:55:00.000-08:00

I was working out this AM and was watching Good Morning America. They were talking about a HPV vaccination that would be tested out on teenage girls from 16-18 to see if this vaccination would help stop certain strands of HPV from occurring. I was a little taken aback when one of the reporters indicted there was a dislike among certain people that the vaccination would give teens the ideal that they can be sexually permicious and think they are cured from a STD. I really don't understand people who oppose this vaccination because it is helping so many sexually active people. I personally think it is a misunderstanding of HPV as to why others may be against the vaccination being available widespread.

I personally was diagnosed with HPV and was able to have it detected in the early stages before it became cervical cancer. When my OB/GYN told me I had HPV I thought I had herpes which, I think, is a strand of the HPV virus. At the time the nurse told me that it is like the common cold of STD. This did not make me feel comfortable at time she told me that because I did not a lot about know what HPV was.
After she saw my expression, she explained why it was the "common cold of STD"; she stated that it is a disease that women mainly catch that is carried by men. Men are not able to get the effect of HPV but women are for a number of reasons I can't remember. The nurse also stated that if it is caught early they can track it to make sure it does not get worse. She told me that if for some reason it did get worse they would go into the vagina and do a biopsy to remove the cells but she reassured me a lot of the time is just goes away

At the time I was told this the nurse and dr. stated there was not a cure but I still needed to have safe sex but that condoms do not protect from all strands of HPV and because of that I needed to have 2 annual checkups instead of one.

Knowing that any woman is subject to having HPV denying young women, who will be come adults, from getting vaccinated is just wrong because a lot of sexually active teenage girls do not have annual women wellness exams like the should . By having this possibly done helps curb the chance that a girl 17 ends up with cervical cancer or even an older woman as well.

Any case this is my two cents on that issue.

Help instead of belittle

2005-11-15T16:08:00.000-08:00

I was online reading a new story on yahoo.com and became fustrating with a lot of the post that were being placed on the site from the story. So I decide to respond back:

FEMA has the right to set a limit to have the people living in the cities struck by the hurricane to move out of the hotels however, if these people living in the hotels have no place to go and no funding to go anywhere else what will FEMA and the rest of the government do to assist these people with a permanent place to reside.
My suggestion is to open up a lot of the old military bases, which are not being used, place families in there. While they are there , first off it is a controlled space for policing, second it has may facilities that a hotel does not , finally it cost way less to keep people there since it is government own. There will be minor to major repairs that would need to be done but on the plus side this is a start to helping these people better themselves. While the people are on the base educated them to get a job or to go back to school to get a job they like , once they are educated give them a time line to be off of the property and on their own.
After every one of the citizens are gone or have used up their time limits the bases cane have other uses such as ,housing for other huge disasters, homeless and other charitable uses.

Another point: I am a taxpayer as well as a charity contributor and I know that it is frustrating to have people abusing the aid that is being given, yet no one has offered a concrete solution to the mass poverty in those areas.

A lot of people will suggest going out and getting a job.

Well that is a great solution with a small problem. That problem is potential employees would need to be able to work in-conjunction to having viable skills that employers want. A lot of the people down there do not have job skills that are useable or are too old and /or handicapped to work. On the other hand there are those who as I stated before are abusing the system. It is up to the government who are paying people to asses who needs the assistance from those who are abusing the aid.

Another set is like great kick them out on their worthless as*** we gave them enough aid.

Not very good because again we taxpayers will have to pick up another bill of taking care of these people who now seriously have no where to go till permanent housing is available to them. I know they were made aware of how long they were going to be allowed to live there and gave them bare minimum aid. But seriously with what they were given could they really find a place to live in another state while they were looking for work. If you have ever had to find a place to live while looking for work and still having new bills to pay along with just living? Then you know it is not as easy as people are making it seem. Yes , a person can get a job application , go on an interview, go to a housing development fill out the application but if a person does not meet the qualification or have enough money down to move ; I don’t have to answer this one for anyone the answer is a given.

My final point is that it’s frustrating to read post after post with people point fingers, being non- compassionate, and stereotyping people in the aid relief areas. Blacks are not the only people down there abusing the aid; as well they are not the only ones benefiting from the aid. It just happens that blacks are just the ones the media portrays the most because some blacks place themselves in that horrible light whereas the media looks to portray them in that light. Instead of looking at race and stereotyping people think out side of the box and help people better themselves.

Wrong , could be . That's a thought

2005-11-14T21:44:00.000-08:00

How come I try to help at the request of another person and when I help the person does not like my method of helping them. Let's say for example, Person A doesn't know how to cook and ask for Person B to help them. You're giving suggestions and advice, yet Person A is getting apprehensive and annoyed. To prevent further tension Person B leaves, but out of pure concern comes back to help. Upon their return Person B just observes instead of saying anything and intervenes instead of suggesting. After seeing that their advice is not being taken, Person B states they would like to take part of the food and cook for themselves because they can not watch the continuous mistakes and mishaps from Person A.

Well in this case Person A is my sister and Person B is I. She was cooking for the first time a fairly simple meal but in a way complex if not done right. I tried to give pointers and ways to make the meal better since this is her first time, for most of the time I did not say much. Once I told my sister that I would like to take part of the meal to cook for myself because I like the way I do it and since she would not take any of my suggestion yet instead learn by trail and error. My sister throws in my face that I wanted to just cook for myself and my BF. This by the way is not the case. I am the type of person if I am helping anyone in a beneficial matter and they deiced not to take the help and do it another way I will make a few attempts to try but after a while I will stop and either leave or do what it is I needed to do omitting the person I am helping out of the equation. I hate to be frustrated or not listened to when I was asked for assistance, however if I just interjected, which I have the tendency to do, I could not get offended or hurt if the person I am trying to help with out their permission objects or gets upset towards me.

Any case I leave the kitchen and tell my sis when she is done cooking to let me know. Mind you the stuff was to be split between two of the same meals. She leaves the kitchen and tells me she is done. I get in there and I have less that half to finish my part of the meal. So here I am agitated, because I have to cook for not just myself but another person and there is nothing for me to cook with. I ask another person that lives with us is there any extra stuff and she tells me the only extra that we have is the sauce for the meal in the pantry. So I scrounge up what I can with what I have. I angrily fix what I need for the meal and say loudly from the kitchen

Me: sis, If you wanted to screw me you did a great job.
Sis: I didn't do anything if you want to cook, cook. I thought what was pre-prepared was just for my meal.
Me: how do you figure, if you would use common sense you would know what you had was more that half. Its fu****g full I mean how stupid can you get.
Sis: if you would have just let me cook then you would not have been in this situation
Me: like I said you sometimes lack common sense and this time really proves it.
Sis: you know what just shut the fu** up and just cook I don’t know what you're bi*****g. matter of fact you're right and the smart one here

We go at this pointless argument for a while her patronizing me and me returning the favor until she says

Sis: if you're so much smarter than the rest of us, then smart people would not have committed suicide, which shows how smart you are.

Whoa, that knocked the wind out of me. I was so hurt but I stated
Me: you proved that I am smart but resorting to pointing out my flaw in this argument. How could you say that in this discussion .That means you were loosing the battle if you had to go so low?

She gets up and walks into her room. I turn off the TV and play music. I was hurt, angered, disappointed, frustrated, and a complete failure.

Yea I tried to kill myself but I don't need someone throwing that in my face in an argument. I don't throw out people's flaw or what they said previously in an argument, I state the relevant flaws. I point out the obvious flaw that got me and the other person in the argument in the first place. I made a mistake when I was young and I spend every day trying not to ever get to that place again. It is hard to live being depressed , obsessive, perfectionist, and attempting able to live up to the high self imposed standards.

She comes back in the kitchen while I'm cooking and gets upset that I have condensed some of the pots on the stove

Sis: I would like if you would not touch anything when I am cooking
Me: I was trying to be helpful but using smaller pans and you didn't know what I was doing.
Sis: I don't care what you were doing you could have left it alone
Me: o that right cause suicidal people need same people to tell them what to do, like you are. I’m sorry for not asking you first
Sis: that’s right. Now your feelings are all hurt because of what I said but you can call me stupid and have no common sense and think it is ok.
me: I never did say it was ok but is supports the argument at the time you sometimes don't think before you do things , you're not aware of your surrounding and it hold a point to initiated why we are having this argument.
Sis: Well my points hold/ leave my things alone

If her justification for throwing that in my face was cause I point out that because she would not listen the advice being asked and that she was inconsiderate was stupid and lacked sense then in her mind she was right. There were way more foolish things she has done but I never throw any of that in her face when in an argument but because most of our arguments are because she fails to use sense and smarts is not my doing. All I can do is point out the obvious. I don't see where I was wrong but, only if I did not instigate the responses and just said my point and nothing more then it would not have when this far but o well. I can’t change being hurt well... sigh... and I supposed to be the victim and I feel bad for saying some of the things I did.

Life ah...

I am confused , hoodwinked, and concerned about the US

2005-11-11T12:31:00.000-08:00

In the article on MSNBC.com it indicated that Bush was calling “new questions about the pre-war intelligence ‘deeply irresponsible’ ” Which prompted this writing *:

Honestly speaking I’m still confused as to why we are still at “war” over in Iraq. From my understanding it is to get WOM, to find Osama Bin Ladin, to give the Iraqi’s freedom, to prevent terrorist from breading their message to the masses, and to protect American lives. All I know is that congress along with Bush and his administration needs to figure out one concrete reason why our troops are there , have them fix the issues and pull out.

The only reason why people are talking about the president and the administration is that there is no supportive reason the government is fighting. Don’t get me wrong , yes there are terrorist but we have enough military stationed during non war time to keep that under warps .
As well as if this country was not so arrogant we could gain assistance from other countries to police the world as well help rid or more feasibly control terrorist and bad people. Unfortunately good people of the world can not completely rid the world of bad people only find ways to contain the bad from getting worse., but back on subject, apparently the administration is taking the job of policing the world on the US shoulders when it should not be. We are not a super force, we are a collective of people who wants to see our country stay financially and democratically strong. However, The US can not do that if we are using our energy and forces to play parents to the world.

The US needs to set boundaries on other countries, maybe renegotiate treaties and alliances to better work for both parties. We need to take time to go back to a country focusing on our issues first and not other countries. I remember a saying growing up, “ how can you go to another person and them what they are doing is wrong as well as help them fix their issues and yet you are worse off than they are.” It is not up to the US to protect the world but instead to assist the world in taking care of its self.

Bush and every one involved in this “mess” needs to take responsibility , do the job they are being paid too well for and act like intelligent people. All of the finger pointing ,ridiculous speeches, taunting, empty promises, dead ends need to stop and each person needs to understand you can not conform people to your ways instead give them the info and allow them to do with it what they please.
We cant kill off evil because it is a balance to good. We can’t protect the world, give up excessive amounts of money, in hopes that the other country will be our allies. Our politicians need to be honest and we as a people who have the power need to take it back so that we as American citizen can create a better country . Until we take control and care what is going on which means taking an initiative this country may not be as great as it should be. Stop complaining and take action to find solutions that benefit all. If we don’t try something then we cant say nothing worked.

Ah! Now that is out in a ranting manor!

:) me A country that does not know its direction is to loose any form of direction.

*I will admit I don’t know enough about policies or politics to sound smart but I am going off of what I think is best from seeing what is going on

Walk up and deposit your issues here

2005-11-10T16:29:00.000-08:00

November 9, 2005 gosh could yesterday be a day.
I mean it started out fine I woke up at S place with very little sleep as usual, rushed around to get dressed for work and made it with a minute to spare. Work was easy going as usual till around 11a my sister emails me and urgent message telling me to call her ASAP. So I do. Once I called her , I found out that she had did forgery of a check, ok that's a shocker to hear, and that the company she committed forgery on wanted 2,800 by end of business that day. Poor thing was freaking out and so was I because two college students making a little decent living did not have 2,800 dollars sitting around to give up. I tell her to calm down and see if she can get an extension till Friday so she can come up with the funding. Long story short she was able to get the extension and through the will of God was able to get 2,800 so she is not going to jail. Whew... I knew what she did was foolish but at the same time I understood why she did the forgery. I am not condoning theft at all, but when you are hard strapped for cash and bills to pay you're mental state is not in its best thinking form.

Then again she and I need to be better managers of our funds, which I am doing, to help in situations similar to think. (Not saying this is going to happen again, it had better not: S) The positive of this situation is that this is a wake up call to put into better use the money I have left over instead of splurging it on other things. It was not a bad reason why this occurred it is just another lesson in life that needed to be learned by drastic means.

I guess it ties back into my post about signs about changing my life and conforming to what I already think is true about God and religion, not even that but just my life in general. I have begun to make small steps to change how I react to people and their words because honestly I can be a bit hypersensitive to people's unspoken words and read too much into things which caused my moody tirade, occasionally, on the other hand it shows people how I feel about what they are saying and not saying to me. I know I need to find a healthy balance as well as figure out who I want to be as a whole person spiritually and mentally because I can not take any more "signs".

Being positive is infectious
me :)

Care about being fat? Well,yes I do!

2005-11-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

I didn't know there was a war on fat. Why, does everything in American society see to be a war on something or another? The meaning of war is a struggle or competition between opposing forces or for a particular end. Where are the opposing forces that are stopping people from their particular end? It frustrates me when labels are placed upon things to give it a huge hype. There is no war going on with fat instead it is people and their inability to make a decision that is best for them. Now, I am not stating there is a small few that have a disease that prevents them from loosing weight as easily as the rest of us. But to label every one who is fat as having a disease is wrong. The author indicates that "…America's spreading waistline is at least a plus for anti-fat-discrimination efforts?" I have to agree with the author yes this is a plus for anti-fat-discrimination but society and each person needs to take responsibility for this behavioral issue.

Reading the article I was outraged that there is a fat activist group called NAAFA (Nation Association to Advance Fat Acceptance). They want the general public to accept them being fat. Now, personally I am fat but I am not going to join an organization that condones my wrong doing. I don't have a disorder but instead I can be lazy and make wrong food choices. If there are going to be organizations that condone wrong doing why not allow the KKK to be an acceptable organization. I know it is a bit of a far stretch there but really look at the facts. Each has odd ideals that they believe should be allowed in American society and should not be. Yes, it is understandable to be upset and want to empower yourselves and others but not by forcing ridiculous ideals to justify what each person is doing is right because it is not.

Another point that aggravates me that fat people has allowed the *diet and medical industry to make $46 billion a year. Listen stop being lazy and hoping there is a miracle cure for laziness, poor decision making, and inability to stick to a goal for the rest of your life.

Which brings me to my next point, I have a co-worker who was heavy and got the gastric bypass surgery. The funny thing is 3 months before the surgery she needed to loose 50lbs to be considered eligible to have the procedure done. The shocking thing was she was able to lose the 50lbs during the 3 month period and the kicker here is she did it with eating right and exercising. She is not the only person I know that has lost weight just to be considered for that stupid surgery. Now I'm thinking if a person can loose weight for a surgery that has more complications and restrictions to their life, why they can't apply those methods to every day life. No one ever said life is easy so doing the right thing the right way never is.
O my apalment towards this surgery is worse when people applaud them for doing the surgery. Well , not me because the flip side to this is yes you did the surgery but did you fix the internal issues that caused you to get the size your are, most of the time the answer is no. So here you have a mass amount of people getting a quick fix but not fixing the main issues this is the problem of each person, medical professionals, and the diet industry. They do not fix the underlying issues but instead mask the issues with a quick fix or finger point. Come on now take responsibility for yourself, your actions and contributions to the cause which is obesity.

*Obesity is due to over consumption and yet no one attacks the $900 billion food industry. If people would not eat almost 3,000 calories a day and force the food industry to be responsible for the food that is being created that may help as well. Yet the point still remains each person needs to be responsible to their own actions. Remember this is a lifestyle choice not something you're born with and can not get out of. Making all of the excuses in the world will not change the fact that you as a person are responsible to yourself.

I truly believe if each person is accountable for what they do and actually care it may help with people to stop becoming more and more overweight. I have been skinny and fat.Now being fat again, I see no benefits in staying that way, let alone the health risk of being fat plus I just don't like the way I look to myself. I'm not loosing weight to fit a majority belief or because people don't find me attractive;I am making the change because I should be a healthy person. Once I knew this is what I wanted to do ,it caused me to change my mind set and to care what I eat(that is eating in moderation, there is this huge confusion with eating healthy and in moderations which a totally different topic)and work out daily to help myself fight the pounds. Indulge but don't over indulge because life is about balance not how easy you can make it.

* paraphrased from authors words

What is the definitions of a relationship

2005-11-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

I read this today:

The lover is dependant, entirely, terriblly dependent on his beloved for something he needs, the reciprocity of his love… [but] He will only be loved if she finds him pre-eminiment. He must present himself in the guise in which she would see her beloved. This leads to a false presentation of the self and the chronic fear of exposure and loss of love

I read that paragraph and thought nothing of it at first until I looked at how I approached love. I did not realize till now that I was systematically taught to be dependant on my future lover in the stereotypical” true womanhood”

You may ask what the “true womanhood”? Well, it is four characteristic that a woman must have to be considered a “woman”, those are piety, purity, submissiveness, and domesticity. With those four traits they a woman is to care for any other male counterpart but to do that she must be completely dependant on whoever the male counterpart is.

Now going back to how I approach love in this mind frame. I’m not saying I fit all of the aspect of a “true woman” but I notice that some aspects I hold higher than others for example, I want to remain pure till marriage or I find the right guy. Looking at this I am being dutiful for Mr. Right thought my pure body and being submissive to my needs so that I can be domestic to his sexual needs. I rationalize this and I am yelling at my self saying,” I’m not like this I’m pretty feminist”! Yet I keep going back to what I think is the true way to be a woman and I don’t even realizing it.

This brings the questing what is right because a lot of what I have been taught or bombarded with from society is mostly a myth. Yes, that is right most of what we believe a man and a woman should be is ficitious, they were ideals that were welcomed by the masses and turned in to the way things should be. (I was so shocked when I figured that out but back on subject.)

Which caused me to think how do I go about this approach of figuring out what is right for me yet at the same time no go crazy from the double edge sword of thinking.

Could this be my love story

2005-11-04T18:01:00.000-08:00

Could the love story that grips me be a, Romantic Rescue? Could this type of love give me better uses for love and give a better meaning and significance to my life. Love, in this story, is all-powerful. It is the catalyst to change to help my partner become the person they want themselves to be, and show the world what I am made of. Some people put themselves in the role of hero in this love story — nursing an ailing partner back to health, saving him from a string of previously destructive relationships, maybe even saving him from a physical danger. Other people with whom may share this story cast themselves as those in need of rescue - relying on their partners to swoop in and save them from whatever ill-fate's been visited upon them, either real or imagined.

If it is my love story then actions speak almost louder than words but words support actions. Another thought to this story is: If someone is willing to care for a loved one in times of adversity, they have already demonstrated a strong level of commitment, as well as proof that they can carry me through the tough times. They have also inspired in me a confidence that will not only be willing to, but looking to switch roles when the need arises. There is a distinct comfort in this.

So how exactly this story does goes? Many may say, have I experienced some loss in my life. Did I help take care of family members when I was young? Did I need more attention and care than my parents were able to provide? Could I tend to repeat my childhood roles in my adult relationships, whether I’m aware of it or not? If was a caregiver early in life, I may continue to be so in romantic relationships. If I needed more attention from parents, I automatically provide others with the care they wished they had received. (If you would like to know take time to ask)

Think about this while reading the basis of the story. Being needed is a basic human desire. Being able to depend on one another is what gives relationships meaning, so it's no wonder that this love story is so powerful. Evidence of the archetypal story is all around me — in history, books, and movies. In the classic fairytale "Beauty in the Beast," a woman brings out the softer side of a grumpy monster. She sees beyond his gruff exterior and gains his love in return. In "Breaking the Waves," Emily Watson plays a woman who makes the ultimate sacrifice to have her husband. He comes to regard her as a saint. My story is being told and retold because it resonates with so many people.

How do I find this love? Oddly enough it in found in the strangest of places. Do my romances tend to begin with a major drama, or a jarring event? A major historic event, a layoff at the office, a crisis I need to solve? I may often date people while they're in a transition period of their life? It is very common to feel especially appreciated if I feel that I have "earned" it by helping another person in some way. For some people, this love story helps cover up an insecurity that they are otherwise not good enough for their partner, that they might not have been noticed except for their role as caregiver. (humm)

I am a take-charge kind of person. Problems exist so I can fix them, and I tend to seek out projects. Was I the peacemaker in my family? Perhaps I was strapped with a lot of responsibilities at an early age. At times I tend to put others' well being before my own? I volunteer or give money to good causes. Am I likely a great friend, always listening and offering good advice? My self-confidence stems from my ability to make others happy and provide for their needs.

Although this love story tends to be categorized as "codependent," it can be mutually beneficial. Diamonds in the rough do exist, and if anyone's to uncover them, it'll be me. I find the good in people that others may overlook. I may have a way with drawing out people's best sides. They are inclined to respond to my kindness with warmth and generosity. This love story isn't just about me saving someone, it's about being saved myself. In helping another, I can ask for help in return. Remember, this love story is just a question of could, how, and why in a sense an outline. But can I follow it, yes, but I can scrap it and take my love life in a new direction. Understanding my story and the role it plays in my life is the first step in determining what's right.

This in no way is saying I am in love but instead stating that I have met someone that is causing me to think in this manor. I am calling these thoughts my love story which with all stories have a beginging plot or shall I say pre writting stage . I know these thoughts may take time to figure out but I guess as people say, one day at a time for understanding. In my world the way it goes thoughts are welcomed

me

The Way I See It # 42

2005-10-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

This quote on the back of the starbucks cup has yet again caused me to go humm. It is pretty interesting ways to prompt the question as to what rights do living breathing creations have. I personally think all living things have rights; not giving rights to all living creatures is to say because this living creature is not human is why it does not have rights. To use that as a reason to not give a living creature rights is not justifiable logic. There has to be more involved than we are a high species and because of this we have the right to pick and choose. At times we each need to think with logic and not fear mixed with emotions. Each creature needs the other to live because as John Donne stated " No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is peece of the Continent, apart of the maine." The need to have the "great chain of being" to determine where each living creation needs to be is not necessary. What is necessary is to determine what each living creature has to offer, apply it to where it is needed and create laws and regulations to prevent chaos. I want to know, who are we as humans to determine who does and does not have rights. I'm just going to say that.
Well here is the quote that started me thinking it is by David Liss Author or A Spectacle of Corruption and The Coffee Trader;

We know that chimpanzees possess language, culture, and self-awareness, so why don't we afford them rights? The most common argument is that if we give chimps rights, the next thing you know we'll be giving rights to squirrels. It seems to me, however, a pretty poor decision to deny rights to those who deserve them lest we accidentally afford them to those who don't.

Pathways

2005-10-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

Do not go where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path and leave
A trail
- R.W Emmerson

These last few days have been a bit of a “sign” giving moment. Yesterday I was walking around the building at work and a guy walks beside me. Here I am walking in my own world and minding my own business. I guess at time I look like the world is caving in on me when I focus outside of myself. Well I am turning the corner and the guy that is walking beside me says, “hold up towards God”. I smile and say ,”of course” and “Thanks”, but what he said to me caught me off guard especially since I said that this past Fridays incident was a sign. I just don’t know what to think about all of this but I know that no matter how much pushing the powers that be do I am not changing my stance on what I think. People may say if there is this much going on because you will not conform to the “norm” maybe your views are incorrect. I guess if I were to conform to what I was taught to learn maybe I would not need all of these “signs”. I need to know before I decide to do that if what I know is true. Sometime faith is not all a person needs to survive. There are answers that make sense to each individual person before they are to conform and a lot of the times with religion it is vague answers that do not help the confusion. I will take this one day at a time and make an educated and concise decision.

The mad car

2005-10-21T17:28:00.000-07:00

S came over to the apartment last night and things were well. He's so cute!!! I can see myself with him for a long time for many reasons but S is as eccentric as I am but way, way mellower. Which for me is good because at time I can go off the deep end and I need that balance or I will forget why I am doing what ever it is that I am doing. He met my sister and I hope it was a good impression. Well I know it was because I don't introduce my partners to my family unless they are a good person. After leaving here we went back to his place well I didn’t make it there. It was so odd to have what happen to me occur.

I was driving right next to S and I wanted to speed up. Once I started to speed up the car accelerated which I was ok with but then it jumped to 110 mph. Now keep in mind that I am in a SUV going down a some what busy street at 110mph and the kicker was that I could not stop the car. At the point I realized that the car would not stop I freaked. Ok I lost my damn mind. I ran through two red lights and almost got hit , but I knew that before I got to the next major intersection ,which had way more traffic, I needed to get the car under control. So I attempt to stop the car by placing it into park. BIG MISTAKE!! The car lost control and I went into a huge circle over two lanes, which were separated by and five to six inch median. I started screaming just out of fear of 1) flipping the truck over 2) hitting someone’s car and 3) hitting the office buildings I was near. Here I am at 11:45pm going in a circle, not being able to stop, and almost creating an accident. Wouldn't you freak but then again some people have been in other circumstances and handled it better than I did. Finally after I would say 15 minutes of going in a screaming, uncontrollable circle, t the mad car kicks into reverse and then jumps the curb into a pile of shrubs. Here I am in this demonic car feeling relieved it's over and anguished that I could not stop the car. I guess my screaming was so loud it caused some of the residents in the area to come over and help me out. They were really nice people and it made me glad that I am the type of person that would stop if I see a person in need of assistance. Well one of the onlookers called the police because she was not certain if any one was hurt which made me feel a little better. The highway patrol come to the area and asks if I was ok and ask if I need a tow service. Of course I would but before I could answer the male officer ask if he could get in the car to see if it was moveable. He moves the seat back and then proceeds to turn off the radio, he then turns to me and says, "Ma'am your floor mat was wedged into the gas pedal which caused the uncontrollable acceleration of the car." I almost fainted which then turned into embarrassment that I caused all this commotions because the damn floor mat was the reason I almost died. The officer drives the car out of the bush and tells me it is safe to drive the car. I did not want to get back into that car but the office reassures me that it is fine and that all I needed to do was removed the floor mat. As I am getting into the car S shows up and I was so happy to see him but at the same time I was so upset towards myself that I could not have figured that out. I allowed my fear to override my sense of reason that I could not figure out it was a small thing that prevented me from stopping. Honestly I don't want to drive ever again but I want to.

So, I drive off with S tailing me to make sure I'll be ok. I am sitting in the car driving shaken up from the whole experience’s pull over because I am fearful of anything else bad happening to me. Once I pulled over I started to cry, I don't know why but the tears just kept flowing. S pulls over as well and asks if I am ok. I feebly shake my head no and the tears just got worse. He opens the door and helps me out of the car. He then gives me the best hug I have ever had and tells me I am going to be fine. The skeptic that I am would have told him no but this time it felt genuine and I could not argue with his choice of words. For the first time in my life I let my guard down in front of someone. I usually hold back everything and give the idea that I am ok even though I am not. I felt really great to do that for one to show someone that I'm not ok. S was very reassuring, concerned, and in a sense protective. I thank the Supreme One for him at this point in my life and at that time last night. He was what I needed. Well I have to go; we're being a domesticated couple tonight. Ha-ha laundry, cooking and a movie. Really eventful there eh but I'm glad after the week I've had I need to not go clubbing this weekend.

Last note: Honestly I don't want to drive ever again but since RT is hella slow I guess I have no choice huh. It will take a week or two for me to make a joke out of this but I see it as a sign for some kind of change in my life. Now what is that I don't know but I'll figure it out?

:) Me remaining positive at all cost

Guesstimate

2005-10-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Guesstimate

Function: verb [with object]

Inflected forms:
Guesstimates; guesstimated; guesstimating

Status: informal

Meaning:
: To make a quick estimate of (something)
Example:

Derived form:
Guesstimate noun [count]
Plural: guesstimates
Status: informal
Example:

I was floored when I got this word in my email today. Guesstimate is a word *ahhhhhhrr* I have been using this word forever. Seeing this in my email for the new word of the day was a very funny start to my day. To give clear understanding why I get a new word of the day is because of my college composition teacher. Professor Moniet stated that we as Americans are loosing our ability to speak with a variety of vocabulary. I heard that and it rang very true for me, so I went online to Miriam Webster dictionary online (www.m-w.com) and signed up for the new word of the day. When I get the word I write a sentence and try to use it in every day conversation, just like I used to do when I was in grade school. The teacher would give our class a list of 25 vocabulary words for the week and by the end of the week the words would have to be written out 10 times used twice in a sentence. I would say from grade 1-5 I knew a lot of words, then I was introduced to public school and vocabulary disappeared which was sad.
I guess I have always been learning words because I like to read. When I read it is with a notebook and dictionary in hand. The reason I have those two items is for words I don't know or understand in their context. If I read a word I don't know or understand I would write the word or sentence down, then look it up in the dictionary, afterwards write the definition and then keep reading. I know reading a book may take forever since I spend a lot of time looking things up. Then that statement bright up this question: Would spending time looking up words I don't understand and going through the whole process to gain an understanding of words I do not know, create for me the ability to become a critical thinker and reader?
I don't know that answer but I guess I would need to spend time evaluating that question for myself since I have to read a book for the American history class I am taking. The book is titled, " The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap”, by Stephanie Coontz. In the words of the author the book,” examines the myths and half-truths that surround our understanding of American families, both past and present." I am going to write about my views and understandings of this book while reading this for a final essay in my history class. I will create another blog website titled after the book and go from there. Also any other books I happen to read as well will go here :

booksreaders.blogspot.com

:)Me

10 ways to avoid outrageous hospital overcharges

2005-10-19T09:25:00.000-07:00

10 ways to avoid outrageous hospital overcharges

Profit-hungry hospitals are overcharging consumers an estimated $10 billion a year. Some deliberately work to keep bills indecipherable. Here's how to fight back. By Peter Davidson,
Bankrate.com

-I want people to read this and understand that we as Americans are getting ripped off because we do not take the time to know what we are being charged for by our medical providers. It is a very hard process to get answers but it will save hundreds even thousands of dollars if the extra initiative is put in. Talk to the lawmakers in your area to create ideas for billing in the medical industry understandable. Keep pushing till something is done.

American hospitals are fleecing patients out of billions of dollars annually, and experts say that while some of the overcharges are honest errors, many are deliberate. That's because hospital bills are next to impossible for consumers to understand, which means hospitals can hide improper charges behind mysterious medical terminology and baffling codes.That's what Nora Johnson found when her 56-year-old husband, Bill, underwent hip-replacement surgery in 1999. The cost of the operation was $25,000. Knowing that her family would have to pay a percentage of the costs, she requested an itemized bill.$129 for a box of tissues"What I got was five feet of single-spaced names and codes," recalls Johnson. Written in "hospital-speak," some of it made sense, she says, while some of it was absurd. Like the charge for newborn blood tests and a crib mobile. That stopped me in my tracks," recalls Johnson. "As far as I know, my husband never had a baby."Johnson, from Caldwell, W.Va., was so shocked by the overcharges she became a trained medical billing advocate. Today, she audits hospital bills for consumers and for state employees in West Virginia."More than 90% of the hospital bills I've audited have gross overcharges," says Johnson. Estimates on hospital overcharges run up to $10 billion a year, with an average of $1,300 per hospital stay. Other experts say overcharges make up approximately 5% of hospital bills. "I've seen $90 charged for a 70-cent I.V. How about $129 for a mucous recovery system? That's a box of Kleenex," Johnson adds.

She's also seen charges for ordinary supplies, such as towels and sheets, that should be included in the room charges.Johnson says some overcharges are mistakes, but many are deliberate. "Hospitals are huge moneymakers," she explains. "Their executives enjoy big bonuses." As a result, "Hospitals have become highly innovative when it comes to billing, and ordinary citizens have no idea they're being ripped off," says Johnson, who is affiliated with Salem, Va.-based Medical Billing Advocates of America.Experts baffled, tooBut making sure that you are charged correctly can be a daunting task. That's what Richard Clarke found out firsthand shortly after his father died in 2000.Despite the fact that he is a former hospital chief financial officer, Clarke admits, sorting through the bills took him a year. In the end he found $2,000 in errors.

That's because bills from just one hospital stay will come pouring in, and they come from many providers: Your surgeon, anesthesiologist, pathologist, labs, as well as the hospital.Bill Mahon is executive director of the National Health Care Anti-Fraud Association, a group of insurers and law enforcement officials in Washington, D.C. He says patients are helpless to decipher their bills. As a result, says Mahon, providers can slip in overcharges."The medical billing system is complicated and confusing," admits Rick H. Wade, senior vice president of the American Hospital Association, which represents most of the hospitals in the United States. On Dec. 27, 2002, he told a "Dateline NBC" investigative team, "Trying to understand all the code words and jargon can turn your brain into oatmeal."Hospitals discourage consumers from checking billsBecause health insurance plans have different contracts with differing payment schedules, there is no single rate sheet you can consult.Nevertheless, experts say reviewing your bill for overcharges is vital. For one thing, if you are required to pay some of your hospital expenses, either as a deductible or a co-payment, overcharges will come out of your pocket. What's more, most insurance plans have a cap, meaning, "Money siphoned off by errors or fraud can chip away at your lifetime total," says Tom Brennan, Blue Cross/Blue Shield's director of special investigations.Your credit rating may be at risk too. "Hospitals have become very aggressive about collecting money," says Nora Johnson. And, according to a 1998 study of hospital billing procedures, they go to extraordinary lengths to discourage patients from delving too deeply into their bills. "Citizens are becoming more educated about hospital billing and taking responsibility of ensuring that their charges are correct," said the study's principal author, Dr. Kimberly Elsbach, of the University of California, Davis. "Hospitals are countering that with their own efforts to discourage people from becoming involved with challenges or audits because it costs them a great deal of time and money."And they waste no time turning accounts over to collection agencies or filing liens.

Don't be taken for a rideNevertheless, experts say you can take these steps to make sure that you're not taken for a ride.
If your hospitalization isn't for an emergency, check your insurance policy to find out just what it will cover and how much it will pay. Be sure to carefully review the section on "exceptions and exclusions." It will tell you what your plan will not cover.
Phone the hospital's billing department and ask them what you will be charged for the room, and just what the room charges cover. If tissues aren't included, for example, bring your own.
Ask your doctor to estimate your cost of treatment. Also, ask if you can bring your regular prescriptions from home to avoid paying for medications administered at the hospital.
Make sure that everyone who will be treating you -- the surgeon, anesthesiologist, radiologist, pathologist, etc. -- participates in your insurance plan.
If you can, keep your own log of tests, medications, and treatments. If you are not able to, ask a friend or loved one to do it for you.

At some point you will receive an explanation of benefits (EOB) from your insurance company (if you're on Medicare, you will receive a summary notice). It will say, "This is not a bill." Don't toss it in the trash. Examine it. It will tell you how much the hospital is charging, what your insurance plan will cover, and what you will have to pay out of your own pocket in deductibles and co-payments.

Never pay your bill before leaving the hospital -- even if you're told that it's required.
When you get your bill, read it carefully. Compare it to the log you made, to the EOB, and to the estimate of costs you requested before you were admitted.
If there are items you don't understand, call the billing department and your insurer, and ask them to explain. Don't accept bills that use terms like "lab fees," or "miscellaneous fees." Demand an itemization. If you don't get satisfaction from the hospital billing department -- and you probably won't -- appeal in writing to the hospital administrator or patient ombudsman.
If you are still scratching your head, ask for an itemized bill as well as your medical records to confirm whether or not you received the treatments and medications you've been billed for. Every state now requires hospitals to provide itemized bills.Since helping sort out his late father's medical bills, Richard Clarke, the former hospital CFO, has became founder and president of the Healthcare Financial Management Association, an Illinois-based association of medical finance officers who work with the American Hospital Association and other groups to develop more consumer-friendly billing.They're aiming for easy-to-read bills and printed pamphlets that will help consumers understand hospital-speak. Until that happens, however, consumers will be on their own.

Safeguard your Social Security number

2005-10-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

Safeguard your Social Security number

Protect yourself from identity theft by keeping a tight rein on your Social Security number. Only a few organizations have the right to demand it. Here's how to fend off the rest. By Bankrate.com

- Laziness is the condemnation of the person who thinks convenience is with the universal all. Everyone be careful. Since we are a society who believes that one size fits all, one place for all needs, one system to hold every thing we are condemned to have these issues. Reason being variety is the fruit of life as well safety. If you don't need to give extra information about yourself don't. A side note if someone calls you don't give up your extra sensitive information , but if you call them rule of thumb you can give your sensitive info but get the name, ext, location, and superiors name of the person you give this information to . No one else is going to keep tabs for you but you.

"I think it's spooky.Everybody has that one number, and everything about you is tied to it," worries Jim Edwards, program director at WJNO in West Palm Beach, Fla."Put it in a computer and poof -- here's your bank account, your phone number, where you work."The key to all that private information? Your Social Security number. Edwards was way ahead of most people. Back in the early '80s, he refused to give his Social Security number when he enrolled at Miami Dade Community College. The school wanted to use it as a student identification number, but Edwards held his ground and the school gave him a different number -- all zeros, as he recalls.Today, schools, phone companies, utilities, health clubs, insurance companies, video stores -- just about everybody wants your Social Security number. Some of the more prevalent uses are to get your credit rating and determine whether you pay your bills, and to keep track of you through name and address changes. But companies also use your Social Security number to develop marketing lists, which they can sell to other companies. A list with the numbers is more valuable than one without.Why should you care who sees your Social Security number? The more people who see it, the more susceptible you are to identity theft, where you are victimized by someone fraudulently using your name and credit report to steal money.Identity theft costs American businesses billions each year, costs that are eventually passed on to all consumers. The toll on victims is heavy, too. The California Public Interest Research Group estimates that, on average, an identity theft victim will spend 175 hours and $800 trying to clear their record of fraudulent charges.

"I've seen accounts opened with wrong names and different addresses. As long as there's a SSN, that's all some of them care about," says Linda Foley of the Identity Theft Research Center in San Diego.Who has the right to ask for your digits?While any business can ask for your Social Security number, there are very few entities that can actually demand it -- motor vehicle departments, tax departments and welfare departments, for example. Also, SSNs are required for transactions involving taxes, so that means banks, brokerages, employers, and the like also have a legitimate need for your SSN. Most other businesses have no legal right to demand your number."There is no law prohibiting a business from asking for your Social Security number, but people don't know they can say no," says Carolyn Cheezum of the Social Security Administration."We recommend that you ask if they'll accept an alternative piece of identification. If they don't, flat-out refuse to do business with them. Bear in mind that there's a possibility they'll refuse to provide whatever product or service you're seeking."Edwards, for example, won't give his Social Security number to his doctor's office."When you go to the doctor's office and fill out the medical information, they ask for the SSN. I leave it blank. Nothing happens. I'm not reporting income from them."In fact, chances are good that many companies that routinely ask for Social Security numbers will do business with you even if they can't have your number."We ask for a Social Security number to open an account, but it's not required," says Michael Lowndes of the Long Island Power Authority."The Social Security number is just part of the customer's record. A common problem with utility accounts is people open an account, default and reopen another account using the same Social. We can use that to discover the problem."Kimberly Brown at Bell South headquarters in Atlanta says there's a procedure the company follows if someone doesn't want to give his number."We ask them to fill out a questionnaire to determine their payment history. We don't do a credit check; we depend on them being honest. The questionnaire determines the Bell South rating for them, and then that determines whether they'll have to pay a deposit to establish service."Your cat is sick? Give us your Social Security numberLinda Foley of the Identity Theft Research Center says she brought her critically ill cat to a vet's office and balked when she was asked for her SSN."I said why? Will it be my cat's ID number? They said no, but if you give us a check we want a driver's license and a SSN in case the check bounces. I said I'd pay by credit card. They said it's our policy to get the number. "I said if I give you a credit card and refuse to give you my Social Security number, you'd let my cat die right now? They looked at me and the cat and said, 'Give us the card; we'll take care of it.' I was upset about the cat, but I was frustrated by the way I was being treated. It was unnecessary."Social Security numbers and identity theftSocial Security numbers exist for the purpose of tracking earnings and paying benefits, Cheezum says. Although President Franklin Roosevelt signed an order requiring federal agencies to use SSNs for record-keeping systems, they were never meant to be used by businesses as an identifier, but have taken on that role because everyone has one.But the snowballing problem of identity theft is spurring some governments to limit the use of SSNs.

California is leading the way with its law barring businesses, health care providers and schools from:
Publicly posting Social Security numbers or requiring them for access to products or services.
Printing of Social Security numbers on cards required for accessing products or services.
Requiring an individual to use his or her Social Security number to access a Web site unless a password is also required to access the site.Printing an individual's SSN on any materials that are mailed to the individual.
The state of New York limits the use of Social Security numbers in schools and colleges. New York public and private schools cannot publicly display Social Security numbers. Many are opting to assign students identification numbers.
Arizona has passed similar legislation.Foley says she hopes other states will follow suit and be even more restrictive so that SSNs will eventually be used only for a few selective purposes.
But, Foley says, until that happens, the first defense against the fraudulent use of Social Security numbers are the companies that issue credit."Are they verifying that the person applying for credit is the true consumer? Are they looking carefully for red flags that might alert them to possible fraudulent use? If a credit application has a last name spelled incorrectly or an address different from the credit record, that should provoke someone into calling the consumer."Some privacy rights proponents say Social Security numbers shouldn't be used for obtaining credit. Does that mean a second number would have to be issued for people seeking credit? Would that be any better than the current system?More protections in CaliforniaPerhaps California's newly enacted privacy law offers a better option.In addition to limiting the use of Social Security numbers, the law allows a consumer to place a "security freeze" on his credit report. The freeze prohibits consumer-credit-reporting agencies from releasing the consumer's credit report or any information from it without express authorization from the consumer.

Time will tell if that provision works better than the more common "alerts" that many people put on their credit reports. With an "alert" a consumer is supposed to be notified that someone is attempting to obtain credit in his or her name. But stories abound of breakdowns in the system. If someone uses your Social Security number to obtain credit and doesn't pay the bills, you'll discover the fraud as soon as the bill collectors come calling. But sometimes an identity thief actually pays the bills and, in those instances, it could be a long time before you discover the fraud.The best way to find out if someone is fraudulently using your Social Security number is to request copies of your credit reports at least once a year. There are three main credit-reporting agencies. It's a good idea to get a copy of your report from each agency so you can check for discrepancies. You can order your credit report from: TransUnion, Equifax and Experian.

A way to abloish Crime in America

2005-10-19T09:20:00.000-07:00

White House criticizes Bennett for comments Ex-education secretary tied crime rate to aborting black babies

The Associated Press
Updated: 7:55 p.m. ET Sept. 30, 2005

-I was appaled when I read this article. Crime is not an African American cause it is a cause of people who declined to follow the moral standards. What next how to get rid of racism? Abort all the White American babies. When people speak they do not speak what is true from logic and facts but instead from emotions and an unbais fear.

WASHINGTON - The White House on Friday criticized former Education Secretary William Bennett for remarks linking the crime rate and the abortion of black babies.
“The president believes the comments were not appropriate,” White House press secretary Scott McClellan said.
Bennett, on his radio show, “Morning in America,” was answering a caller’s question when he took issue with the hypothesis put forth in a recent book that one reason crime is down is that abortion is up.
“But I do know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down,” said Bennett, author of “The Book of Virtues.”
He went on to call that “an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down. So these far-out, these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky.”
Democrats demand apologyOn Thursday, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and other Democrats demanded that Bennett apologize for the remarks.
Responding later to criticism, Bennett said his comments had been mischaracterized and that his point was that the idea of supporting abortion to reduce crime was “morally reprehensible.”
On his show Thursday, Bennett, who opposes abortion, said he was “pointing out that abortion should not be opposed for economic reasons any more than racism ... should be supported or opposed for economic reasons. Immoral policies are wrong because they are wrong, not because of an economic calculation.”
Reid, D-Nev., said he was “appalled by Mr. Bennett’s remarks” and called on him “to issue an immediate apology not only to African Americans but to the nation.”
Rep. Raum Emanuel, D-Ill., said in a statement, “At the very time our country yearns for national unity in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, these comments reflect a spirit of hate and division.”

Understand, Who me ?

2005-10-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

It is so hard to understand why I keep loosing guys,for instance with S, I thought we were back on track after our conversation; I suppose I was mistaken. The last week I have called and tried to spend time together and it seems as if he is ignoring me, which previously he has not. So at this point with S I am just going to keep my distance and wait to see if I have to cut my ties. Then there is J who told me he did not have time to create a relationship, but I find out J started dating another girl. J tells me that he wanted me to be the one he was dating but did not know where I stood with the relationship we had. I knew at that point when he said that I needed to let J go. I told him what I wanted and he didn’t want to listen which is not my fault. The exciting thing was when I told J best of luck I was hurt and frustrated ,again this month, I began to get to the point where I didn’t care anymore and was relieved it was over since I was leaning towards that anyways. This weekend was interesting over all though besides those two issues (which aren’t issues any more).
I went out to Tunel 21 a bar/club here in town with my sis and usually when I go clubbing I dance on the floor. My sister, as a side note this was my first time clubbing with her, did not want to go to the floor because it was packed. I enjoy a packed dance floor because of the people co-mingling, the sexual tension, all the people keeping up to the beat the DJ is throwing out, and just the vibe you pick up from people dancing close to you. The dance floor is networking at its best! Well here we are standing along the wall and I look pretty bored and agitated, on the other hand she is fine just dancing by herself as she is drinking an apple martini. Ok, I was dancing a little but not as much as if I were on the floor dancing. The guy I am standing next to speaks to me for a few seconds and o my he was a cutie. I was about 5’5 with heels on mind you I’m 5’2. He was about 6’5 (another side note I am very attracted to tall guys I guess it’s the small, short girl that wants a big tall guy to protect her) light hazel eyes which attracted me first and a very soothing voice. I wasn’t feeling his choice of clothing (ok the materialistic side of me) but overall he seemed like a nice person just as I was getting into the convo.;my sis ask me to walk with her to the bar for another drink, so I walk with her over to the bar.
When I come back Mr. Tall with a soothing voice was going and in his place was another group of guys. I stand there bobbing my head and looking around at the scenery. All of a sudden I see a hand hit the back of this guys head as he is walking past. My face frowned in anguish because I don’t want a fight in my vicinity that I have to break up. The guy that is hit turns around in anger he recognizes the face that hit him and laughs as he walks away. You wanted to know the true feeling of relived, that was me in one that moment! I guess the guy that hit him saw my relief pokes my waist and told me,” You have my permission to hit him and anyone else in here.” He was nice but not as cute as the first guy. Well at any point to make a long story short. I and Daniel had a nice conversation for the rest of the night. I didn’t take his number and he didn’t ask for mine which was ok. The conversation gave me a view that there are interesting, intelligent, put together men out there. I just need to be patent and take more time for I and maybe he’ll come around. I’m slowly coming around to that view of life. :) Me

Could people come this easily with directions

2005-10-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

5 parts anger
5 parts self-sufficiency
1 part instinct
1 part jealousy
3 parts courage
3 parts ego
5 parts success
5 parts brilliance
3 parts instinct
1 part competitiveness
1 part craziness
Layer ingredients in a shot glass.
Then combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice.
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little caring if desired!
Add curiosity to taste! Do not overindulge! Top it off with a sprinkle of emotion and enjoy! Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness

Goodbeheheies

2005-10-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

I went by S's place last night, well actually, this morning to drop off the clothes I had belonging to him and also to get the movies I had left there. I drive into the parking lot and it looks like he was just getting home. I wasn't sure because the parking lot at his apartment is poorly lit but if he saw me he could have just waived just to let me know it was him. Anycase, I get the bag and walk up to the apartment, suddenly I realized the excitement I would feel getting to the stairs was gone. Usually my excitement would be as a child getting a reward or a present; instead I felt like I had an important matter to deal with and my emotions were placed to the side. I felt as if I could care less about S or as if he was an aquatance to me.

Well, I do need to back up and explain my time before getting to S's place. I went to J’s place because I had not seen him in like 5 days and just needed a friend so I deiced to stop by. We sat on the couch watch Foxy Brown, which I really like except for the cheesy 70s sexist parts and I felt like I didn't belong there in his arms. I knew I was getting tiered of the routine we had going. Come by late have sex get up leave. I wanted more I felt empty and tired of "open relationships or friends with benefits". We finish most of the movie and J gets tired and wants to go to bed. We get to the room I lay down and he starts with the attempt of removing my clothes. I stop him and ask, "Are you happy with the way things are?" He replies, “yea". I then launch in to you want sex and I can't give that you anymore because I want something committed. He tells me well it's up to you to do what you want but you have made up your mind.
When he said that it pissed me off
I did not make up my mind habit gave me my answer and I wanted to make sure that if I was going to do this routine there was a pay out we both were going towards. I got up and told him I was leaving because we both wanted different things and I can't force myself to go along with the flow because I don't want to be alone. He walks me out and then grabs me for the strongest hug I have ever received from him. This causes me to think he wanted more but, does not feel ready or want the “drama” associated to a relationship.
I tell him,"You will find the right woman for you; I know it's not me but good luck. Thanks" I then walk away. I knew he stood at the door till I left out of his sight usually he just lets me out and closes the door. Go figure.

Again, I was hurt but I knew I would get bored or he would. I need him to be honest with me and I guess that wasn't going to happen. My feelings for J were not hella strong but strong enough to hurt when he was happy with a non-committed relationship. Life goes on but this time I felt great to stand up and say this is what I want you can't give it to me then I have to leave even if it hurts your feelings because this time around it is about me for now on.

Ok back to leaving S his stuff and making an attempt to get mine. I get to the door and I wanted to knock but I didn't. I guess I don't want to talk or hear the lines. I wanted to be inconspicuous because I'm not ready to deal with him out of fear of saying something really stupid. I leave the bag and a note for him to call me when he has time so I can schedule a time to get the movies I left there. I felt all the sadness, frustration, and anger boil up again. I wanted to go back to the door have him open it and say," You stupid fool I am a great person with flaws I will admit and for you to say what you did to me was wrong. You could have told me when you knew I was getting attached that you were going that way with me. No instead, you let me fall for you .Then you hurt me out of your own stupid reasons. I hope you never have to go through what I am right now and I forgive you.”Instead I keep walking and I smiled because I don't need to say that because when I left without saying anything when he was done leaving the bag and the note is enough. Sometimes nothing said is a strong impact than saying something.

I felt free reassured, proud, and good on the other hand, ya I'm still hurt, sad, and upset but those is not what is conquering me. I am going to remain positive that if love is for me it is by trial and error, by trying again and again. Life comes with good and bad which is how I take it will make my life and I am going with good thoughts. Even though I trying to be positive I was still in the dumps a song came on while I was in the car by Faith Evans titled, “Until You Came" Ok well I didn't love S but the song captured how I felt

Love was just a four letter word Misused to entrust the heart of followers But it never meant a damn thing to me Until you came so unexpectedly Then you curved my whole attitude Got me feelin' ways that I never thought I could See really what I'm tryin' to say is I like what I'm feelin' And I hope you never take it away

I never gave my heart to love I never gave my time to love I never even cared for love Until you came Baby I never gave my heart to love I never gave my time to love I never even cared for love And then you came, baby

I can't believe you walked through my defenses And made me smooth out my rough ends and You got me open and I'm hopin' that this ain't no act 'Cause I don't want no parts of that Matter fact, I really hope that you're true <---- Guess not on that one hahaha
Cause I wanna invest my time in you And all my childish dreams with all my conversations 'Cause I know that somethin' special's in the makin'

Yo! Seriously though, I'm buggin'. I'm, I'm really confused 'Cause I trust you with some things you say, but with other things I just don't trust you. But my mama said work with it, you know what I mean? It's like I've been going through all these emotions And I'm dealin' with stuff I've never dealt with before It's like you just, hmm, you got me straight trippin' boo. I don't even know what's wrong with me. But I hope you understand how I feel, 'cause I really care about you. So check this out baby.

Well relationships will go through this circle this was the first time for me to feel this way. I guess it' s not the last time either

:) me

Untitled

2005-10-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

I was in the mood to write so i wrote this .. Thanks to my new artist friend Johnathan http://www.myspace.com/jontylermusic his music is what really inspired me to write this

I am trying to love you but you are unwilling to open yourself to me
I want to show you love is more that what you think you know
I need you to see that my love is compromising it does not cause the past pain you're acustomed with
I could show you love creates strenght from with in to flourish out
I want love to create in you, your inner strength so that it can flourish with in
so you can give it out
I can show you if only you open your heart
How can you say no when you haven't attempted to give your all to me
Could you see that this could be the begining?
Take my heart and I could teach you the new understanding of love that you've been missing

Could you
Would you
Or shall pride take me away for another.
Open your heart

How can you say no when you haven't given your all
You want what I've been offering but fear stops you
Don't wait till the next morning to know you were wrong take what you have now
'cause tomorrow is not promised today

I wish I did
I wish I could
Stop the needles troubles to yourself take the leap of faith and know it will be what we put towards it
Logic can not explain love logic only enhances love
But you will not know this because you will not let go of the past

I can show you if you only open your heart
How can you say you can't when you haven't even tried
Could you see this is the begining of the person you wondered if you could become?
Take my hand and I can guide you to the new love you've been missing
Let go of the unknown and create what you want to know

I want you to know love is moew that what you think it is.

Abortion

2005-10-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

I was driving back to work from lunch and saw this on the bumper of a car.

If you can't trust me with a choice; how can you trust me with a child?

When you read this tell me what do you think in regards to women being disallowed from aborting their unborn fetus?

What is a best fit.. Help!

2005-10-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

I hate trying to find who the best fit is for me. I honestly thought it was S, but I guess I was wrong. I have this issue when I am with a person for long period of time, and I begin to acquire strong emotional ties to him. My issue is needing to know how I should respond to him emotionally, physically, and mentally. I hate being in a situation where I care and he doesn't, so I ask the question: “what are we?" Well, that is what I asked S last night and the answer he gave me was not what I wanted to hear.
I stopped by S place after having drinks with a girlfriend because I knew that question was looming in my mind. I told S, “Hey, what are we because I'm confused with this whole situation." He responds,”What are you confused about?" I told him why I was confused. I stated that I had never been in a committed relationship before due to the fact most of my relationships in the past have been kind of open relationships. Also that I don't know really know how to react to what I am feeling in this situation due to the fact that how I am feeling is new to me. I also expressed my unwillingness to open myself up completely something (someone). Because I was fearful of letting myself be that open and it could come back to slap me in my face later down the road because it did not work out. I ended it with I just need to know so I can respond accordingly. In a way know where I stand.

He responds back, “I’m not confused I know how I feel. You can do want makes you happy."
I told him, “No, I can't do what makes me happy because there is another person involved. What I want may not be what you want, so you have to tell me what it is that you want out of this. I don't want you to give me empty promises or say things your don't mean I know you can't promise me every thing will be ok because that is not possible. Tell me what it is you feel about us. "

His response, which floored me, was," You can do want you want. If you want to date other guys, that is fine with me. I know that I am not going to date around because I don’t have time to work things out, well actually, I do but it is a waste of time and energy to gout and date. I know you may find a nicer guy out there. "

I was so hurt. What S said was not what I wanted to hear, but what he said is his truth. I thought his feeling for me were the same? It sure seemed like they were. I guess I was mistaken or creating what was not there. At least I know how things are and can respond accordingly. Basically indifferent and unavailable for him or any one else for quite some time in a way I knew this was the case but I hoped that I was wrong and I was being skeptical. For S I was willing to make an attempt to be completely with one person and not have an open relationship.

This person was not right for me. I am beginning the shut down process all over again and I really don't think I want to reopen for a while. I'm not saying it will never happen but not anytime soon. It is hard, which is not the obvious, nor do I want keep going with this circle. Having an open relationship is draining cause the security is not really there and trying to have the security is frustrating.

Life goes on can't really force the changes I want I just have to deal and move on. Well back to work school spirituality.

: S me

Katrina

2005-09-23T00:31:00.000-07:00

Please do not take this the wrong way. I have a few questions about the evacuation of these people from Louisiana to Texas. Why would the government or any one move to a costal city know that it is still hurricane season? I mean if you want to make sure people are safe and not inconvieanced; why placed them back in the same area that they just came from? That just irritates me so much that the weather people knew another storm was going to come and did not tell the people doing the evacuation, " Hey, you may not want to place these people here cause there is another storm coming!" Why is it that we as a country react to huge issues after the fact? Does it ever hurt to be proactive? I swear this country thinks it is going to kill us if they are proactive.
My next concern is, where are we placing all of these people while their city it being reblit? If it is in some open space till this all get situated I may have a suggestion to make the wait comfortable. The U.S has hundreds of military bases that are closed and non operational. Why not send a unit or two to the base to clean them up and make it operational. Give each family a room or group individuals together in rooms.I personally think that would be more cost efficient than what we are doing now. Use the cost guard or military to act as police since the area is controlled space and treat it as a city till theirs is back up and running.
Instead of finger pointing and looking like confused children there needs to be a better way to evacuate people when a whole city is destroyed. My idea would be this: If there is a huge storm and the weather control knows that it will be.

1)Give the residence one week notice that there is a huge storm coming, next monitor it for that week to make sure it is a huge storm.
2)Tell the news and radio stations as well newspapers to say so that it is not blown out of proportion for example ,there is a possible cat 5 storm off the cost of Louisiana that will be here in a week. Please begin packing valuables and we will keep you informed in the next week if you need to begin evacuations.
If the storm is a huge storm after a week.
1) Advise people to leave if they can to family or friends. If they have no where to go transport them to a military base that has been created as an evacuation point. Let them know if they stay they are liable for any rescue service bills for their ignorance

Maybe a lot of these ideas are in place but for some reason with this evacuation it was non existant. A lot of what is happening should not be.. We need to learn from our mistake a lot sooner that we as country do .

:)me

Could I be? Humm...

2005-09-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

I went out last night to an old friends house -well to be honest our relationship was mutually sex not a friendship ( well at times it could be a friendship.) I just wanted to know if my feelings for S were as strong as I think they are. I needed to know before I completely commit myself to S and place for my first time ever in a relationship a hands off rule to a lot of my male friends . I know it's stupid to do that ,but I needed to do that for my own weird reasons. Since I have graduated from high school I have had two serious relationships in which I attempted to cared for the other person. I would use the term cared very loosely - wait I'm going to explain. (Because if I cared for them I would not of cheated on them.) I was still dating and sleeping around while I was dating them,even at one point I was dating them both at the same time. (Well N was in sac with me and T was in so cal) .Yeah I know what comes around goes around and believe me I have had my ass kicked a few times , so I have paid my karma 10 times over and still do so. I was afraid to commit myself to anyone in fear that the relationship would not last leaving me with my heart in my hands. I did not want that kind of hurt. I had dealt with my parents on and off again relationship through out my childhood ; which caused me to vow I would never have a relationship where I would be hurt that many times over. So my logic is/was to never give fully of myself to another man , so that I would never have to deal with that heartache,confusion,anger I held in side. Nor would he ever know the true inner working of who I am I could not ask him to have pity on my pain , insecurities , and my inability to trust easily. I saw these as my burden to bear not someone else. I could not give anyone the power to control me that much emotionally,to know that much of me meant you had a small amount of power over me, which I do not like. I am very idiotic for thinking that way which is why I had to test myself. I needed to know do I really care for S that much. He really makes me happy, comfortable, understood, balanced,independent and so much more. I never really felt the way I do now for anyone because of my inner turmoil.( I am working slowly to let a lot of that pain go) Tuesday night , for example while I was a little unsure of what our relationship is going to be. I was over analyzing a completely good situation and I needed reassurance that things were going to be ok. S asked me, " Are you happy?" I responded, "Yes, but I just need to know. I like boundaries with a few lines so there is not any misunderstanding or hurt." He responded back," If you are happy why are you concerned with the semantics of the relationship. Let us have this type of conversation when you are not happy so that there is reason to be concerned. Just enjoy this ok?!" I was taken aback this was not the reassurance I wanted to hear but I needed to hear that. Moments like this is what is causing me to care about S so much, because he has the ability to even me out or cause me to think ;which for me is rare cause I has such a short attention span and temperance for people. This is a new experience for me due to the fact I have not been so trusting in the past with other men in my life. As well this is a feeling I want to keep enjoying so this test was just to see if I could really focus on one guy and let go of my past.

I was able to I could not vibe with my old partner, in addition to that I felt so guilty ,where as in the past I never felt guilty. I know as ridiculous as this sound that I need my hands off rule to other men in my life. I need this chance to know what it is like to be fully content in this relationship. it is juvenile to need to test myself to know what deep down in side I already knew. I m weird I need the reassurance before I jump off of a bridge. ha-ha..
:)me

Sleep

2005-09-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I could not sleep. There was something on my mind ,and I could not figure out what was it. I stayed up until 12 a. m. attempting to understand why I was so erractic in my thoughts. I knew there were no huge changes in my life or additional stress ,but I could not figure out why I could not sleep. Not being able to figure out my insomnia is a first for me; usually I can relax myself to figure out what is the issue and then attempt to fix what ever is troubling me. Last night was different even after relaxing myself I could not figure out what caused me to be wide awake at 12 a.m. I guess last night was one of those can't explain moments in life that I just need to leave alone. Which doing that is hard for me to do because I need to know why certain situations present themselevs in my life , so that I can better understand myself. I have this inane part of myself that wants to have my life make logical sense,to fit into my idea of how situations should go ,and to run somewhat smoothly. That seems for the most part plausable to me ,but realistically wanting to have my life work this way can drive me crazy very often. I think I may have figured it out , wow I am very dense. My sister is leaving today to go overseas to Egypt for military reasons. That is why I could not sleep because I am concerened about her saftey when she arrives on forgein land. I would not be this worried if it was a personal trip,because she is going over to Egypt as military personel is what worries me. Especially the fact that a lot of people in other countries do not like the U.S military and may create issues for her unit while she is there. Plus, my sister is a true indepenant american woman which is another factor on it's own. Whew! I'm glad I have an understanding of why I was troubled last night. I know her and the unit will come back safe! I just have to keep positive thoughts which will keep me from going insane. :)