At this moment I feel liberated. Is it to say, that the next day I may feel defeated, who knows but I am going to step through each day as the next. However, I finally understand the meaning of; you are the one who can control how much emotion you can put into something. I would hear the saying that people only do what you allow them to and did not full understand its true meaning until it was applied in my own life. I recently had to let go of dead weight (I guess it is the best description of it). The weight was causing me to emotionally drain myself because I was pinning and fighting for something I could slowly see was not going to come to pass, like winning the lotto. During this time, the slow conclusion is: I want people in my life that if I need anything or they need anything from me, without hesitation, I can count on them and vice versa.
I started to notice that I would give and give but felt empty when my expectations were unmet.
I grew tired of being all to all and none to myself, which caused me to start dropping this dead weight.
I came to understand if I really want to be happy, I need people in my life who understand happiness and the ability to let go as well as be completely honest and finally have the ability to work towards or attain these things (or what will make them happy). I need overachievers and not people who wait for life to happen for them.
I tied this back to the reason I moved away, besides to go to school, but as well as to learn who I am away from the place I grew up and the people I know.
I wanted to understand who I am better and as well to fully appreciate the second chance I had been given in life.
To basically become and an outsider to my own life because to look outside in oneself, one is able to grasp a better understanding of who they are and make the needed changes. A person can't look in as easily as an outsider if he/she is living in the same cycle each day.
As I begin to understand, myself, in my current situation I begin to see as well as understand what being content is. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments when I am not happy but if I were to look at everything over all I am very content. If you ever become content, you begin to see life differently and read your moods and reactions to circumstances differently. Once I began to feel sad and emotionally drained by people who were taking me for granted or did not recognize my existence I needed to move my self away from them in the understanding that I do not need to yelp and fight for attention from someone who does not see the need for me in their inner circle.
It's hard to accept the fact that not every one is for every body, which can be a pretty lonely road but in the midst of the loneliness there is less drama and problems may that occur. Each person, me included, wants to be included in something to have people they can call friends to be accepted as well as needed. Yet, not having people in your life might teach people to become isolated, self reliant, and many other characteristics which are dependent on the person. In my case co-dependant. I want to have people around and don’t really like to really be alone. If I have to I will but I prefer not to. I hid the fact that I didn’t want to be alone in being extremely kind to other people and as time wore on I no longer wanted to be the person I was not but the balance of the person I was coming into.
I am beginning to believe God will place people in my life, in the right time, which will complement me and give me the same value I give them.
During these last few months, I have seen God do these things and my life has a balance that I have yearned for so many years. I thought balance was some elusive word that only rich people and the crazy had obtained but yet once I allowed God to do the work needed everything came together.
The little voice telling me to let go became stronger and the words I heard in a sermon once finally came to pass, "If a person walks, let them. Don't find ways to make them stay. Don’t deprive yourself of who you are and what God has for you for as His child by keeping people who mean you no good because if they can't show you their value in your life, God has not put them there instead you have."
It's difficult to let people go to feel vulnerable enough to say your time has pass and I can no longer fight for you or towards you to see me and complement me.
But each day that passes, I feel as if I have made the best decision for me
