Am I evil? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it is karma coming back to haunt me for all of the stupid and some times hurtful things I have done.
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.
After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.
I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
A little more than a week later...
Just to let everyone know I am slowly getting over my rut of mixed emotions. Honestly I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but I am going to manage how I am feeing by focusing on my health. Plus I have been letting go of people, adittudes, and financial issues that I felt were a burden to my life. I guess it is just an unexplainable feeling that comes and go but I can not allow that feeling to consume me.
Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..
Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..
A Thought On Rual American Thinking
Why is that people who live in a small suburban area or parts of the country that are densely populated think that evil will never prevail them?
I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.
It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?
What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.
The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?
I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.
It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?
What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.
The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?
Saturday, February 11, 2006
confuseddumfounderandotherstuff
Lately, I can not finish what I have started in my life. For example, I was so hyped to start the drastic changes I needed to make in my life. Now it's like I just don't care anymore, as if I don’t want to try to put forth an effort to do anything. As odd and crazy as that sound, the kicker here is that I don't know why. I wonder if others felt the way I do now. I mean feeling as if the true self, who you really are, is fighting to get out but only to be suppressed down each time. You can see yourself but you are not within yourself. I guess this reminds me of something an old friend of mine said when she was trying to loose weight. At the time I found the comment funny, I am now looking back at that moment and kind of understanding what truth it rings. "I am living in a body that I am not made for and she's fighting to get out of the fat." I feel that each day I live is not the life that I am supposed to be living as if everything around me is surreal. I want to get out of this rut I feel (or even if it is feel).I am trying to understand why I am in the unknown state but it's like a record with a lump in it. The record keep going around and everything seems to flow but I hit that bump and for a moment I'm wondering what’s going on. Now, some call this depression and I have been depressed before however this feeling I have is nothing like being depressed. I guess I can call it acting with a costume. I have no issues keeping up with doing for other but I am unresponsive with myself. I smile when I want to scream and I scream when I want to cry.
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how
Sunday, January 29, 2006
New title of blog
I changed the name from Girliedy to Musing of Herself and the World Around Her. I think the new one somewhat captures what I'm doing here. Please give your feedback on the new change.
How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me
Blessings
How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me
Blessings
Friday, January 27, 2006
Smoking is bad for our air
I was watching the new yesterday and they were reporting about second hand smoke in CA, Basically the California Air Resources Board had announced "second-hand smoke as a toxic air contaminant that can cause or contribute to illness or death".
Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?
Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?
The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.
It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.
Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?
Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?
The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.
It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The last few days I have been thinking about
the work that I am doing for a paycheck. I have come to realize that I loathe people and working. Yes, that's right, loathe.
Why?!
It is that I have been doing servant type jobs since I was 15 years old. No, not a maid or food industry work but child care and customer service, which I believe is way harder than most jobs out there.
Let's start with my first job, childcare.
I started the job as a teacher's aid at the ripe 'ol age of 15. I mean, I was a kid myself and there I was telling other kids to listen and behave for my approval/attention. Moronic, yep.
How did I get this job?
Well, my dad knew the dean at a private Christian school and was able to get me the job. Now, he did not do this because I begged and pleaded to work. Hell no! He did this to relieve the burden of having less work providing for 3 kids and what is the easiest solution. Send his oldest child to work for her own stuff. Don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to work because I wanted to have what my family could not afford so I took to working like going to the doctor to get a check up , you kind of have to go.
Deep down I did not want to work. I wanted to be involved with other teens that were doing after school stuff but, I knew I had responsibilities and wants/needs which were not going to be left in my lap because I deserved it. I had to go and work for it. Honestly, I am a slacker yet I do what I need to do no more or less, unless, I am truly in love with what I am doing then I am passionate, driven, and obsessive about the task.
A personal note: I hate working for another person. I work and then when I have the fruits of my labor in my hand I have to give it away to another person. This work and billing scam going on is great. I swear you give 8+ hours of life away to give more than 1/2 to the government, give more than another 1/4 to bills and hope there is something left for yourself(this rant is for the money challenged).
Ok but back on subject.
I hated/loved those kids but the parent’s gosher the parents. They drove me up a wall with their inability to see or understand that their child was the spawn of the devil. During this time I had to be nice and calm. I had to place my self out of the daily interactions, basically shove being honest and forthright out of the window. If I wanted to say what was truly on my mind I would have to say what I really meant in a kind, considerate, monotone manor to appease the paying parent.
After I graduated from high school I keep right on working
This was a cashier at a photocopying store. While I was there I was nice and polite. I worked well with others but sometimes my kind nature by my co-workers was taken advantage of. Any case that was a breeze compared to dealing with unhappy customer who wanted to use me as the sounding board of their frustrations, anger, or just plan evilness. At times what I really wanted to say was;"Hey look! Does is it say printing specialist on my tag? No it does not. Then why are you bitching at me?" Instead I would have to smile, apologize, and then remain calm so that I could explain to the best of my abilities what was wrong and what I could do. More stuffing the truth down my throat.
Moving on to the next job which was customer service over the phone for an online travel agency.
This was my gate way to realize how dumb and rude people are over the phone. It also gave meaning to George Orwell's description of "Big Brother Is Watching" complex that many large corporations have.
I came to understand that when you work with another person over the phone they feel they are ambiguous enough to say and act as they please. But yet again I have to push aside how I really wanted to respond to the situation with the customers to appease the corporate heads.
I left that job and for 4 months out of my working history I was not working per say. I still had to look for work which is just like working.
Then I got work again of all places another customer service job.
O God the insanity. Again customers and corporations are horrid. (That is the nicest word I could use so, I'll stick to that.)
Being in customer service is the battle of the mind. It is mentally draining which causes physical fatigue. Having to adhere to a clock, to a specific schedule as to how much time on and off the phone.
Being in childcare is the battle of the body and mind. It is mentally draining to deal with another person's child. Having to speak in a manor not to offend the child, to deal with the parent with child gloves, and not strangle the child in the mean times.
People ask where the customer service is.
People ask where good child care is.
I ask: How can people demand top notch service and treat the people servicing them inhumane?
I know we all pay for service and demand the level of service biased on payment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some great people I have worked for but they are an exception to the mass growing of abuse on people who have to service a paying public. On the other hand people feel they have the right to treat the person they called in for help like trash. As if the person they are talking to is beneath them.
I am not beneath no person yet I take the abuse. Many people in my job title take this abuse and have pretty high esteem but when each person has bills to pay and the career of their dreams is not obtainable the meantime jobs pay the bill. We have been trained to not take the abuse personally, yet how can you tell a person who is being personally assaulted not to take it personally. To smile remain calm be polite don’t yell don’t respond back to the customer in the manor they are treating you. Ah the canned robotic response to frustrated customers, I'm sorry ma'm/sir to hear your situation but there are no other options available.
The paying public has such high expectations they want met yet people forget other people have to meet those unrealistic goals.
Let me go through a CSR's call
Log in take a call
Follow company protocol for the call
Great the customer
Tell them you're happy they called
Up sale
Wrap up/recap
Thank for business and time
Note the account
Hang up
Next call
All calls are to be with in 2-3.5 minutes can not keep the customer's waiting.
That is a simple call. That is the basic of all call the company wants all calls to go like this.
I could go into more of the politics of CSR but this is not why I wrote this.
I am thankful I am not in a job right now that is as stressful as my last jobs yet it is mundane. I hate routine. I need variety and I'm not getting it here. I like my job currently in medial customer service /medical sales support but I loathe dealing with people because I have been doing this for so long. I am burned out. I feel myself going to work and go through the motion but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to focus on finishing school and enjoy life around me for once. I don't want to be responsible and captious. I want to know what it is like to be young just for a few moments. To have a carefree moment for once with out having to think of rent, utilities, savings, groceries, insurance, medical, retirement, ect. I know I won’t have that luxury. Having to deal with the demands of other people and not being able to voice what I want to really say is taking its toll. To have your voice stiffen because whom you're speaking with basically pays your bills is wrong. Just because you pay my bills doesn’t equate that you treat me with out respect. I give respect but I am not donning to feel like people should be shot. Ah.... being an adult as they call this is hard. Then again who said life is easy. I am looking for a way to have a positive outlook on working but since I’m a college student and I for a while what a bad budgeter I have to wait till I save up enough money to stop working for 2 years which will take me 3 years to do. I just want a break,to breathe.I've been hyper ventalling for so long,my mind and body are slowly passing out. I know I will inhale soon :)
Why?!
It is that I have been doing servant type jobs since I was 15 years old. No, not a maid or food industry work but child care and customer service, which I believe is way harder than most jobs out there.
Let's start with my first job, childcare.
I started the job as a teacher's aid at the ripe 'ol age of 15. I mean, I was a kid myself and there I was telling other kids to listen and behave for my approval/attention. Moronic, yep.
How did I get this job?
Well, my dad knew the dean at a private Christian school and was able to get me the job. Now, he did not do this because I begged and pleaded to work. Hell no! He did this to relieve the burden of having less work providing for 3 kids and what is the easiest solution. Send his oldest child to work for her own stuff. Don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to work because I wanted to have what my family could not afford so I took to working like going to the doctor to get a check up , you kind of have to go.
Deep down I did not want to work. I wanted to be involved with other teens that were doing after school stuff but, I knew I had responsibilities and wants/needs which were not going to be left in my lap because I deserved it. I had to go and work for it. Honestly, I am a slacker yet I do what I need to do no more or less, unless, I am truly in love with what I am doing then I am passionate, driven, and obsessive about the task.
A personal note: I hate working for another person. I work and then when I have the fruits of my labor in my hand I have to give it away to another person. This work and billing scam going on is great. I swear you give 8+ hours of life away to give more than 1/2 to the government, give more than another 1/4 to bills and hope there is something left for yourself(this rant is for the money challenged).
Ok but back on subject.
I hated/loved those kids but the parent’s gosher the parents. They drove me up a wall with their inability to see or understand that their child was the spawn of the devil. During this time I had to be nice and calm. I had to place my self out of the daily interactions, basically shove being honest and forthright out of the window. If I wanted to say what was truly on my mind I would have to say what I really meant in a kind, considerate, monotone manor to appease the paying parent.
After I graduated from high school I keep right on working
This was a cashier at a photocopying store. While I was there I was nice and polite. I worked well with others but sometimes my kind nature by my co-workers was taken advantage of. Any case that was a breeze compared to dealing with unhappy customer who wanted to use me as the sounding board of their frustrations, anger, or just plan evilness. At times what I really wanted to say was;"Hey look! Does is it say printing specialist on my tag? No it does not. Then why are you bitching at me?" Instead I would have to smile, apologize, and then remain calm so that I could explain to the best of my abilities what was wrong and what I could do. More stuffing the truth down my throat.
Moving on to the next job which was customer service over the phone for an online travel agency.
This was my gate way to realize how dumb and rude people are over the phone. It also gave meaning to George Orwell's description of "Big Brother Is Watching" complex that many large corporations have.
I came to understand that when you work with another person over the phone they feel they are ambiguous enough to say and act as they please. But yet again I have to push aside how I really wanted to respond to the situation with the customers to appease the corporate heads.
I left that job and for 4 months out of my working history I was not working per say. I still had to look for work which is just like working.
Then I got work again of all places another customer service job.
O God the insanity. Again customers and corporations are horrid. (That is the nicest word I could use so, I'll stick to that.)
Being in customer service is the battle of the mind. It is mentally draining which causes physical fatigue. Having to adhere to a clock, to a specific schedule as to how much time on and off the phone.
Being in childcare is the battle of the body and mind. It is mentally draining to deal with another person's child. Having to speak in a manor not to offend the child, to deal with the parent with child gloves, and not strangle the child in the mean times.
People ask where the customer service is.
People ask where good child care is.
I ask: How can people demand top notch service and treat the people servicing them inhumane?
I know we all pay for service and demand the level of service biased on payment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some great people I have worked for but they are an exception to the mass growing of abuse on people who have to service a paying public. On the other hand people feel they have the right to treat the person they called in for help like trash. As if the person they are talking to is beneath them.
I am not beneath no person yet I take the abuse. Many people in my job title take this abuse and have pretty high esteem but when each person has bills to pay and the career of their dreams is not obtainable the meantime jobs pay the bill. We have been trained to not take the abuse personally, yet how can you tell a person who is being personally assaulted not to take it personally. To smile remain calm be polite don’t yell don’t respond back to the customer in the manor they are treating you. Ah the canned robotic response to frustrated customers, I'm sorry ma'm/sir to hear your situation but there are no other options available.
The paying public has such high expectations they want met yet people forget other people have to meet those unrealistic goals.
Let me go through a CSR's call
Log in take a call
Follow company protocol for the call
Great the customer
Tell them you're happy they called
Up sale
Wrap up/recap
Thank for business and time
Note the account
Hang up
Next call
All calls are to be with in 2-3.5 minutes can not keep the customer's waiting.
That is a simple call. That is the basic of all call the company wants all calls to go like this.
I could go into more of the politics of CSR but this is not why I wrote this.
I am thankful I am not in a job right now that is as stressful as my last jobs yet it is mundane. I hate routine. I need variety and I'm not getting it here. I like my job currently in medial customer service /medical sales support but I loathe dealing with people because I have been doing this for so long. I am burned out. I feel myself going to work and go through the motion but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to focus on finishing school and enjoy life around me for once. I don't want to be responsible and captious. I want to know what it is like to be young just for a few moments. To have a carefree moment for once with out having to think of rent, utilities, savings, groceries, insurance, medical, retirement, ect. I know I won’t have that luxury. Having to deal with the demands of other people and not being able to voice what I want to really say is taking its toll. To have your voice stiffen because whom you're speaking with basically pays your bills is wrong. Just because you pay my bills doesn’t equate that you treat me with out respect. I give respect but I am not donning to feel like people should be shot. Ah.... being an adult as they call this is hard. Then again who said life is easy. I am looking for a way to have a positive outlook on working but since I’m a college student and I for a while what a bad budgeter I have to wait till I save up enough money to stop working for 2 years which will take me 3 years to do. I just want a break,to breathe.I've been hyper ventalling for so long,my mind and body are slowly passing out. I know I will inhale soon :)
Friday, January 20, 2006
Questioning
This is my first questioning session. I guess reading a few fellow blogger out and some questions popped into my mind
Why do people want to get married?
I don’t seem to understand what is with the deal with marriage. I should not have to show a bunch a people that I am willing to become committed through an over/under priced ceremony. Once the person and I have made a promise to each other, then we have the same values of a marriage.
Religiously, yes marriage is to show a man and a woman’s commitment to each other before God. But when did it become a relationship’s rite of passage?
I once asked a male friend why he should get married.
He responded,” To remain faithful to one woman and only be with her. Because she is the source of everything am to need, want, protect and desire this woman for the rest of my life.”
My response was: Isn’t that what you are doing when you are dating a woman for a long period of time. Why is that you have to go through a ceremony to get a piece of paper to confirm what your relationship is already biased on?”
I have noticed that more and more people in “long term” relationships feel the need to impel themselves into marriage, as if seemingly, a couple that does not get married their relationship has no validity. My thing is don’t make more out of a relationship than there already is with a force commitment that should come naturally.
Why is media so canned?
I, yes, watch AI on Tuesday night to see what the season was going to be about and snickered at the failed attempts at carbon copy stardom. The whole time I am watching I wondered: where is the creativity, the struggle, and the effort of being a true artist? It seems that the artist that deserve the recognition are pushed to the back and we the reverer’s of art succumb to digging in the pile of muck to get what we really want , human incentives. Now, I used AI as an example but the news, book, movie, dance, art, and theater basically all mediums of entertainment are the same. It is as if I am having leftover forever and it is sickening. Take a moment to think, that is why piracy is so high because people are tired of junk. I’m sick of paying my hard earned dollars to an industry that believes I should have to pay for shi**y stuff . If I went to my employer and treated them the way the media does the reverer’s of art, I’d be out of a job. Why can’t it be the same for media?
Why is that people are complaining with no form of recourse?
I read and I hear people complain about the world around them, yet they do nothing to change or put forth change. Don’t give criticism if you don’t have something behind it to make a change. No not say something to make it better but to actually go out and put the words into action. I see that it is easier for people to speak but to do is a different story. It is disarming to hear great ideas and people are waiting for someone else to go out and do the footwork for them. Unfortunately life and change does not work that way but most people think that it does. There is no reason for a country such as America that is ran by the people for the people to be in such condition that it is in. People say it is the politics yet do you know that we elect those people into office. If we wanted to remove each person we as a nation could but that requires each person to put forth an effort to do that. Americans can’t sit and wait for someone to do it for them because if we each look around that idea is not working.
Why is that when people speak(verbal) they are lazy with the enunciation/ pronunciation of the words?
Ask. Say it . Now do you say ax. Arugh. Yea I know there are people with speech impediments, accents, ect. With those reason out of the way, what is so hard in saying a word correctly or better yet speaking in a manor that another person can completely understand with out misunderstanding? I know I am at fault,and I constantly work on that part of my words. I find it funny when someone enunciates/ pronounces a word wrong and they expect you to know what they said. Umm no, the telepathy is off today and won’t be back ever. Try speaking in a clear manor because it’s really not that hard when an effort is placed.
Well that’s my ranting for now. Thanks to all the writers out there that caused me to think it helped a lot!!
Why do people want to get married?
I don’t seem to understand what is with the deal with marriage. I should not have to show a bunch a people that I am willing to become committed through an over/under priced ceremony. Once the person and I have made a promise to each other, then we have the same values of a marriage.
Religiously, yes marriage is to show a man and a woman’s commitment to each other before God. But when did it become a relationship’s rite of passage?
I once asked a male friend why he should get married.
He responded,” To remain faithful to one woman and only be with her. Because she is the source of everything am to need, want, protect and desire this woman for the rest of my life.”
My response was: Isn’t that what you are doing when you are dating a woman for a long period of time. Why is that you have to go through a ceremony to get a piece of paper to confirm what your relationship is already biased on?”
I have noticed that more and more people in “long term” relationships feel the need to impel themselves into marriage, as if seemingly, a couple that does not get married their relationship has no validity. My thing is don’t make more out of a relationship than there already is with a force commitment that should come naturally.
Why is media so canned?
I, yes, watch AI on Tuesday night to see what the season was going to be about and snickered at the failed attempts at carbon copy stardom. The whole time I am watching I wondered: where is the creativity, the struggle, and the effort of being a true artist? It seems that the artist that deserve the recognition are pushed to the back and we the reverer’s of art succumb to digging in the pile of muck to get what we really want , human incentives. Now, I used AI as an example but the news, book, movie, dance, art, and theater basically all mediums of entertainment are the same. It is as if I am having leftover forever and it is sickening. Take a moment to think, that is why piracy is so high because people are tired of junk. I’m sick of paying my hard earned dollars to an industry that believes I should have to pay for shi**y stuff . If I went to my employer and treated them the way the media does the reverer’s of art, I’d be out of a job. Why can’t it be the same for media?
Why is that people are complaining with no form of recourse?
I read and I hear people complain about the world around them, yet they do nothing to change or put forth change. Don’t give criticism if you don’t have something behind it to make a change. No not say something to make it better but to actually go out and put the words into action. I see that it is easier for people to speak but to do is a different story. It is disarming to hear great ideas and people are waiting for someone else to go out and do the footwork for them. Unfortunately life and change does not work that way but most people think that it does. There is no reason for a country such as America that is ran by the people for the people to be in such condition that it is in. People say it is the politics yet do you know that we elect those people into office. If we wanted to remove each person we as a nation could but that requires each person to put forth an effort to do that. Americans can’t sit and wait for someone to do it for them because if we each look around that idea is not working.
Why is that when people speak(verbal) they are lazy with the enunciation/ pronunciation of the words?
Ask. Say it . Now do you say ax. Arugh. Yea I know there are people with speech impediments, accents, ect. With those reason out of the way, what is so hard in saying a word correctly or better yet speaking in a manor that another person can completely understand with out misunderstanding? I know I am at fault,and I constantly work on that part of my words. I find it funny when someone enunciates/ pronounces a word wrong and they expect you to know what they said. Umm no, the telepathy is off today and won’t be back ever. Try speaking in a clear manor because it’s really not that hard when an effort is placed.
Well that’s my ranting for now. Thanks to all the writers out there that caused me to think it helped a lot!!
Monday, January 16, 2006
I recived this via an email today
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".
Have a beautiful day!
-unknown
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".
Have a beautiful day!
-unknown
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I came back
I know it's early but I noticed that my writing needed to be freed. The next week school is starting so it's not workable (if that is a word) to do it on the 19th. Well I hope the holidays were well for everyone. Vegas was fun!! I won 300 on roulette, did the strip (my clothes stayed on, no stripping for me <--- yeah a weak joke, talk to strangers at tables and on the streets, and rode the monorail. No shopping, ack, I know. But over all I had a good time. Not going back for a while I like my money just a bit too much and gambling is expensive. Ok but more of my kvetching and soul searching through my writings. I love writing it helps me see what I can’t see in my mind yet it shows I have a lot of work to make it better. A better person or to see my world in my words to laugh cry and have an ah ha moment. I guess that is part of why I am here. Ok ok I'm rambling but one more thing I love feed back. I thank God for allowing me to be in your presence and lastly welcome!!
Take care
Take care
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Everything will be ok. I am starting to believe in that
I want to confess that:
I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.
Now:
I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.
I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.
So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control
Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.
This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.
There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.
I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.
Now:
I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.
I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.
So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control
Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.
This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.
There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Makes me feel. Exhale
I am alone for once in my adult life. Since I have been 19 I have been from one fling to another. I really never had time to myself because I did not want to be by myself. I needed to have the closeness of another person. Not just for sex but to know that person was there when I needed them. I needed another person to validate me instead of self validation. I needed to be the girl that helped a man through his transition phase and then move on. These last few days I have been inundated with a lot of information about myself and I was in awe about how other people have perceived me.
This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.
- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with
Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.
While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.
Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.
I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh
This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.
- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with
Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.
While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.
Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.
I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh
Friday, January 06, 2006
Just a little talk with Jesus II
Here I am again talking about this again and guess what I have made a decision.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.
It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.
I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.
I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.
It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.
I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.
I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Makes me feel.Inhale
Could I be making a mistake?
Humm an interesting thought but then again I have had this thought very often, yet this time it is actually of a thought provoking and a slight motivation to actually change what I was becoming so comfortable with.
However I am fearful of the change because this is out of my control and out of my realm of actually “foreseeing” what the outcome is. ML has made me see myself for what I knew was possible and what was not possible. A lot of what ML has made me aware of I needed to do for a long time. Indistinctively, I knew I needed to do what was being brought forth to my attention but I was not willing to make the changes because I thought I am not that bad off.
Ah! I need to retrace how I have consciously decided to do.
I am noticing that God has a way of making apparent what needs to be done.
I have just recently broken up with SB. I thought we were going to have something long term and committed. (This by the way is a first for me if I was going to be committed.) He stated to me that it was in God’s will that we needed to be apart and oddly I understood. I knew there were things that I needed to work on and become more consistent in other aspect. I remember that SB stated our relationship was a hindrance to what he needed to be doing with the will of God. At first I did not like hearing that but I knew that it was the truth for both of us, once I became more comfortable with the truth I knew I needed to take the time necessary to do what it is that I need to do with myself and my spirituality.
Then came along ML.
He came back into my life when I came to church on Christmas day and saw him there. We spoke briefly about what’s going on in our lives, exchanged numbers, and I left. ML and I spoke on New Years day and he wanted to know if I had a good time in Vegas as well when I was coming back. A few minutes of talking and ML ask me if I was wanted to become involved with a casual relationship. I was taken aback when he asked me this because of his history with women and as well I did not think I was much of his type. ML assured me that no matter what he was not going anywhere and that we’ve known each other too long to let a casual fling interrupt our friendship. I agreed with him.
On the other hand, knowing that I just came out of a relationship 14 days ago I needed to make certain I was not rebounding because I had an itch to have sex; I don’t need to fall into the immediate gratification trap. During my adult life I have not know what it was like to be alone because I would go fling to fling or be in a relationship and has a side “ team”. I owed it to myself to actually be alone for once. I knew after SB that my heart could not handle another break up. I did not want to go through the whole relationship process all over again for I am beginning to become weary of the toll it is taking. However I like the feeling of a relationship because it gives me a chance to help another person through their struggle in life to maybe make them a better person. In a sense feel needed and wanted for what I am doing for them. Odd I know but it makes me happy when I see the changes I am helping bring forth to another person.
A side thought though: I feel horrible for moving on so quickly. I don’t right now know what to categorize my feelings for ML or if I should even have any. I don’t think I could feel the way for anyone else that I have with SB. Then again maybe these feelings I think I have for ML are just admiration for his ability to conjure in me the feelings I have been longing for, for so long.
I didn’t think it was possible for me to be awakening into a state of total consciousness of myself by ML’s words.
ML told me he had been interested about having sex together for a while but did not know if I would be open to him.
I let ML know that I am used to an open relationship but I wanted something more than just friends with benefits. I enjoy the freedom of such an arrangement but at the same time I wanted some of the normality of a non open relationship.
He countered my request with the question how could I want anything when I don't know what it is that I want?
An interesting question he prompted...
How could I want what I speak of yet I don’t know really what it is that I want nor who exactly I am? I have figured out the more I have been talking to ML that, I have issues which need to be tended to.
Then ML adds to this by stating; " Nykki why can't you take things one step at a time? All things will come to you in time. What you want to know now will come in time. You can’t rush everything nor can you pre-plan every aspect of your life. Just go with the flow for once and relax.
Arughhh. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to wrap my head around the understanding to almost everything because if it doesn’t make sense to me why should I be doing anything. It is me needing need to know why, why not, and how come. These questions I need my answered before jumping into anything. I can't have these feelings and then in the long run it was a game. I don't like suffering needlessly if I can prevent it. That is why I need to know all of this information before hand to know what it takes years to know today because I hate how I feel when I have been put through an emotional rollercoaster as well I know what it is like to be the cause of the rollercoaster. O Ay Ay I don’t know what it is to relax. I have had to be a thinker for such a long time that being laid back and easy going is like asking night to be day and day to be night. Strongly enough I know that I can make the minor adjustment to make my life less complicated.
I have noticed that the more and more I was talking with ML he understood exactly what I was saying and not saying. He made me completely open; I did not hide anything from him or felt that I had to hide anything. I was refreshing to be completely honest and frank with anyone. He responded with out me having to overly elaborate what I was trying to convey across to him. For once in my life I knew what it felt like to be understood. I did not have this feeling with SB. It was like with SB I was a care giver, a slight partner, a parent, a friend, a character. I was comfortable taking care of him and slowing beginning to see the positive changes in myself because of his positive, warm and carrying persona. I wanted to be this open with SB but I did not know if he could handle a lot of the stuff I had done in my past. I have not done anything crazy but I have had a very open sexual life, I have cheated on previous bf's I have had an abortion, and I have attempted suicide. I have heard the lines from men that wanted to know my past and they say that can handle what I have to say as well as that they would not look at me any differently. But once I go into my story, they each change and treat me just a little differently. Now with ML I have told him some of these things and he is still treating me the same and his understanding that I don’t’ need to be a picturesque girl is a warm feeling.
This experience with ML I was not in control. I did not know what to expect/ I was vulnerable and this scares me. It alarms me that ML had the ability to comprehend and respond in the manor that he has in the last few days. I have known him for such a long time and all I thought he was is a womanizing nymphomaniac. I know it is unfair of me to think of ML in this manor but when all of our conversations have been about his last conquest and the next one he is going to conquer, what am I supposed to think. These last few days have shed a lot of light on ML and I’m glad I have been fortunate enough to see this side, finally.
ML asked me a few question some sexual and some thought provoking. I like the thought provoking enjoyed the sexual questions but I am going to divulge the thought provoking because that is what is sticking with in me.
What do you want Nykki?
: Silence:
What do you want Nykki?
I’m waiting for an answer
: Silence:
I gave a half ass answer but I am going to answer honestly now
I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want the drowning in y self, my emptiness, the certainty, the pain, the loneness, the infrequency, not being fulfilled, not being motivated, not being kept interested, the lies, the constant searching, not being what I feeling now, not learning , not being appreciated, no romance or creativity and not being completely myself.
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
I gave a blanket answer more so a sexual appeasing answers. Here is the truth
I want to be completely myself; I want to show what it is like to give unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and support. To still be strong in my faith of God with you. I want physical intimacy not sex but to know that you are pleased, attracted to me. To have in the intimacy creativity, openness, fun and consistency. To let you know I am not jealous if you need to go outside of me to do what I can’t do. To know that you can trust me with all inner most parts of whom you are and want to be. To have you grow to your full potential with us and never loosing who you are. When it all boils down to know you are happy with me or that if you are not happy with me that our friendship allows us to be happy with whoever is right for us. Mutual respect.
Is that a bit sappy, yeah. A bit unrealistic, yep but I feel that I can do that and I deserve to attempt to have this and a little more. I don’t ask for much as many men have the tendency to tell me. This is realistic for me.
This is unknown territory.
The tables have been turned on me
I know what is to be helped
When I am drowning in myself
I understand why I acquire men who need help
Because those times have prepared me for now
This now
I see what I have been missing in my personal walk called life
I like the way I feel.
It is warm,
This unknown territory, in an odd sense is comfortable
It is a soft breeze on a clear day
The feeling I don't think I'm ready for it to leave
It’s a struggle yet an affirmation
Like a fairy tale but not ending in the cliché words of happily ever after
Its beginning in a manor not expected in or that I would least expect nor will it end
In the typical manor
Expect.
This word unknown is ironically safe and secure.
Hummm. Am I making a mistake?
Humm an interesting thought but then again I have had this thought very often, yet this time it is actually of a thought provoking and a slight motivation to actually change what I was becoming so comfortable with.
However I am fearful of the change because this is out of my control and out of my realm of actually “foreseeing” what the outcome is. ML has made me see myself for what I knew was possible and what was not possible. A lot of what ML has made me aware of I needed to do for a long time. Indistinctively, I knew I needed to do what was being brought forth to my attention but I was not willing to make the changes because I thought I am not that bad off.
Ah! I need to retrace how I have consciously decided to do.
I am noticing that God has a way of making apparent what needs to be done.
I have just recently broken up with SB. I thought we were going to have something long term and committed. (This by the way is a first for me if I was going to be committed.) He stated to me that it was in God’s will that we needed to be apart and oddly I understood. I knew there were things that I needed to work on and become more consistent in other aspect. I remember that SB stated our relationship was a hindrance to what he needed to be doing with the will of God. At first I did not like hearing that but I knew that it was the truth for both of us, once I became more comfortable with the truth I knew I needed to take the time necessary to do what it is that I need to do with myself and my spirituality.
Then came along ML.
He came back into my life when I came to church on Christmas day and saw him there. We spoke briefly about what’s going on in our lives, exchanged numbers, and I left. ML and I spoke on New Years day and he wanted to know if I had a good time in Vegas as well when I was coming back. A few minutes of talking and ML ask me if I was wanted to become involved with a casual relationship. I was taken aback when he asked me this because of his history with women and as well I did not think I was much of his type. ML assured me that no matter what he was not going anywhere and that we’ve known each other too long to let a casual fling interrupt our friendship. I agreed with him.
On the other hand, knowing that I just came out of a relationship 14 days ago I needed to make certain I was not rebounding because I had an itch to have sex; I don’t need to fall into the immediate gratification trap. During my adult life I have not know what it was like to be alone because I would go fling to fling or be in a relationship and has a side “ team”. I owed it to myself to actually be alone for once. I knew after SB that my heart could not handle another break up. I did not want to go through the whole relationship process all over again for I am beginning to become weary of the toll it is taking. However I like the feeling of a relationship because it gives me a chance to help another person through their struggle in life to maybe make them a better person. In a sense feel needed and wanted for what I am doing for them. Odd I know but it makes me happy when I see the changes I am helping bring forth to another person.
A side thought though: I feel horrible for moving on so quickly. I don’t right now know what to categorize my feelings for ML or if I should even have any. I don’t think I could feel the way for anyone else that I have with SB. Then again maybe these feelings I think I have for ML are just admiration for his ability to conjure in me the feelings I have been longing for, for so long.
I didn’t think it was possible for me to be awakening into a state of total consciousness of myself by ML’s words.
ML told me he had been interested about having sex together for a while but did not know if I would be open to him.
I let ML know that I am used to an open relationship but I wanted something more than just friends with benefits. I enjoy the freedom of such an arrangement but at the same time I wanted some of the normality of a non open relationship.
He countered my request with the question how could I want anything when I don't know what it is that I want?
An interesting question he prompted...
How could I want what I speak of yet I don’t know really what it is that I want nor who exactly I am? I have figured out the more I have been talking to ML that, I have issues which need to be tended to.
Then ML adds to this by stating; " Nykki why can't you take things one step at a time? All things will come to you in time. What you want to know now will come in time. You can’t rush everything nor can you pre-plan every aspect of your life. Just go with the flow for once and relax.
Arughhh. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to wrap my head around the understanding to almost everything because if it doesn’t make sense to me why should I be doing anything. It is me needing need to know why, why not, and how come. These questions I need my answered before jumping into anything. I can't have these feelings and then in the long run it was a game. I don't like suffering needlessly if I can prevent it. That is why I need to know all of this information before hand to know what it takes years to know today because I hate how I feel when I have been put through an emotional rollercoaster as well I know what it is like to be the cause of the rollercoaster. O Ay Ay I don’t know what it is to relax. I have had to be a thinker for such a long time that being laid back and easy going is like asking night to be day and day to be night. Strongly enough I know that I can make the minor adjustment to make my life less complicated.
I have noticed that the more and more I was talking with ML he understood exactly what I was saying and not saying. He made me completely open; I did not hide anything from him or felt that I had to hide anything. I was refreshing to be completely honest and frank with anyone. He responded with out me having to overly elaborate what I was trying to convey across to him. For once in my life I knew what it felt like to be understood. I did not have this feeling with SB. It was like with SB I was a care giver, a slight partner, a parent, a friend, a character. I was comfortable taking care of him and slowing beginning to see the positive changes in myself because of his positive, warm and carrying persona. I wanted to be this open with SB but I did not know if he could handle a lot of the stuff I had done in my past. I have not done anything crazy but I have had a very open sexual life, I have cheated on previous bf's I have had an abortion, and I have attempted suicide. I have heard the lines from men that wanted to know my past and they say that can handle what I have to say as well as that they would not look at me any differently. But once I go into my story, they each change and treat me just a little differently. Now with ML I have told him some of these things and he is still treating me the same and his understanding that I don’t’ need to be a picturesque girl is a warm feeling.
This experience with ML I was not in control. I did not know what to expect/ I was vulnerable and this scares me. It alarms me that ML had the ability to comprehend and respond in the manor that he has in the last few days. I have known him for such a long time and all I thought he was is a womanizing nymphomaniac. I know it is unfair of me to think of ML in this manor but when all of our conversations have been about his last conquest and the next one he is going to conquer, what am I supposed to think. These last few days have shed a lot of light on ML and I’m glad I have been fortunate enough to see this side, finally.
ML asked me a few question some sexual and some thought provoking. I like the thought provoking enjoyed the sexual questions but I am going to divulge the thought provoking because that is what is sticking with in me.
What do you want Nykki?
: Silence:
What do you want Nykki?
I’m waiting for an answer
: Silence:
I gave a half ass answer but I am going to answer honestly now
I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want the drowning in y self, my emptiness, the certainty, the pain, the loneness, the infrequency, not being fulfilled, not being motivated, not being kept interested, the lies, the constant searching, not being what I feeling now, not learning , not being appreciated, no romance or creativity and not being completely myself.
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
I gave a blanket answer more so a sexual appeasing answers. Here is the truth
I want to be completely myself; I want to show what it is like to give unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and support. To still be strong in my faith of God with you. I want physical intimacy not sex but to know that you are pleased, attracted to me. To have in the intimacy creativity, openness, fun and consistency. To let you know I am not jealous if you need to go outside of me to do what I can’t do. To know that you can trust me with all inner most parts of whom you are and want to be. To have you grow to your full potential with us and never loosing who you are. When it all boils down to know you are happy with me or that if you are not happy with me that our friendship allows us to be happy with whoever is right for us. Mutual respect.
Is that a bit sappy, yeah. A bit unrealistic, yep but I feel that I can do that and I deserve to attempt to have this and a little more. I don’t ask for much as many men have the tendency to tell me. This is realistic for me.
This is unknown territory.
The tables have been turned on me
I know what is to be helped
When I am drowning in myself
I understand why I acquire men who need help
Because those times have prepared me for now
This now
I see what I have been missing in my personal walk called life
I like the way I feel.
It is warm,
This unknown territory, in an odd sense is comfortable
It is a soft breeze on a clear day
The feeling I don't think I'm ready for it to leave
It’s a struggle yet an affirmation
Like a fairy tale but not ending in the cliché words of happily ever after
Its beginning in a manor not expected in or that I would least expect nor will it end
In the typical manor
Expect.
This word unknown is ironically safe and secure.
Hummm. Am I making a mistake?
Friday, December 30, 2005
VACATION
To anyone who reads this post I am on vacation from tonight till the 5th of January 2006 in Vegas. After the vacation,I am going to take two weeks to recoup from my relationship loss as well as make a plan to follow my note to self stuff. Long story short I'll be writting around Jan 19th.
Thank you for sharring my life with me and enjoy your New Year celebrations!!
Nykki
Thank you for sharring my life with me and enjoy your New Year celebrations!!
Nykki
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Note to self
I am going to write a non love post soon because this over emotional stuff is too much on my psyche. I need to see more of the world around me and respond. A more well rounded person. No New years resolutions and no stupid I promise to stop doing this. I am going to like me and bear with the nuances of my persona the best I want to not can. I know that I am a great person and there is talent in here somewhere. Even if don’t know what to believe in or how I will make more sense and accept who I am for whom I am. The world is a place I live in and I need to make it bearable for those around me but conducting myself in a manor that if look back on that situation I am truly ok with it not just dealing because it happened. Because I love me each day fat and all... Ha-ha.
“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
-unknown
“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
-unknown
From that point foward
I got a text today from S. He tells me that he was out of town for the past week and did not come back till Friday. He also tells me that he got my note and did not understand what I was saying and that it seemed like I had a lot on my mind as well he was praying about us. I responded back that I had a lot on my mind. He tells me that maybe it is for the best because he wants to be in the will of God and that I am a sweet young lady.
I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.
Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.
Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.
I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.
Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.
I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.
Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.
Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.
I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.
Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
O woe woe eww eeeee ahrgh haaa
A description of the title: When I feel bad I make noises to describe my mood instead of words. Childish, I know but it makes me feel better because when someone asks me how goes it I then make my noises per my mood and it makes me and sometimes the other person laugh.
Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.
This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.
Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.
I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.
Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.
I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.
I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.
Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.
This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.
Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.
I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.
Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.
I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.
I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
People are such Aholes
Lately I have noticed that more and more people are just down right mean for no reason.
For example I am trying to get on the freeway and a car about 20feet from me will speed up and prevent me from getting on the freeway. I don’t understand why a person would need to speed up to prevent someone from getting in front of them when they were not driving that fast from the get go.
I never did understand this fascination with drivers and not allowing someone else to get in front of them when necessary.
I have gotten to the point when I have to go out in public I need to have a "tuff skin" to deal with other people. It is like I am a no nonsense person and if you hit me, I’m going to hit you back. I don't like having this demeanor however it keeps me from being ran over from the people whom have forgotten please and thank you.
If I am nice to people they act as if I was supposed to be courteous to them. This to me is not right. I was always told when I was younger that being kind to another person is not a right it is a privilege but be kind to another person because you may need that same kindness reciprocated one day.
I have noticed that when people are in their cars or an open place they forget what manners are. The perceptions of people is that they have the right to do as they please, when they please, and with no form of recourse from anyone.
I want those obnoxious people to pay for being aholes however it is becoming common place to reward those that are rude and inconsiderate instead of the other way around. I say if people stay putting rude people in their place it may help with the ongoing issues. Being passive because "people are crazy” is not an excuse. When I feel that I am being inundated with rudeness I politely tell the person that I don’t like what they are doing, shockingly a lot of the time the person did not realize they were being so self-centered!
I'm just concerned that people may get to the point that the gesture for thank you will be a middle finger and for thank you a kiss my a**. We all need to become more community focused instead of self focused because you are not the only person out there that has to live in the planet. So why not help make things easier for yourself and others.
For example I am trying to get on the freeway and a car about 20feet from me will speed up and prevent me from getting on the freeway. I don’t understand why a person would need to speed up to prevent someone from getting in front of them when they were not driving that fast from the get go.
I never did understand this fascination with drivers and not allowing someone else to get in front of them when necessary.
I have gotten to the point when I have to go out in public I need to have a "tuff skin" to deal with other people. It is like I am a no nonsense person and if you hit me, I’m going to hit you back. I don't like having this demeanor however it keeps me from being ran over from the people whom have forgotten please and thank you.
If I am nice to people they act as if I was supposed to be courteous to them. This to me is not right. I was always told when I was younger that being kind to another person is not a right it is a privilege but be kind to another person because you may need that same kindness reciprocated one day.
I have noticed that when people are in their cars or an open place they forget what manners are. The perceptions of people is that they have the right to do as they please, when they please, and with no form of recourse from anyone.
I want those obnoxious people to pay for being aholes however it is becoming common place to reward those that are rude and inconsiderate instead of the other way around. I say if people stay putting rude people in their place it may help with the ongoing issues. Being passive because "people are crazy” is not an excuse. When I feel that I am being inundated with rudeness I politely tell the person that I don’t like what they are doing, shockingly a lot of the time the person did not realize they were being so self-centered!
I'm just concerned that people may get to the point that the gesture for thank you will be a middle finger and for thank you a kiss my a**. We all need to become more community focused instead of self focused because you are not the only person out there that has to live in the planet. So why not help make things easier for yourself and others.
Perm
Natural and flowing free from radicals
Smooth yet soft adorning my crown
This beauty was mine
Twelve was when we first met
He came with five mysterious parts
Out of a box he came: a large white round container, a taller round
container and two smaller round containers with a medium length light brown
stick
I had no say in the directions
I was told it was for my own convenience
Beauty was pulled into four different directions
and then bound in their places
A twelve year olds excitement as the taller round container
combined with the large white round container
the medium length light brown stick made them one.
Tap Tap Scrape
The cool combination of one touches my beauty
The excitement turns to anticipation and fear
Will it all still be there? I ask as the last combination of one
is placed on my bound beauty
Yes it will, was my reassurance
30 second my beauty felt this fire
A fire that only come from an unknown substance
Filling my body with a burning sharp and prickling sensation
Tears filled twelve year olds eyes; fear and doubt were soon to follow
As water came to make my beauty clean
Sitting up the beauty that was once tight curls absorbing water
Now was slick and dripping with water.
After being dried I noticed that I was free of curls
as my beauty moved with a different form of grace.
This grace came with a cost
a 6 week life span of course
Then it was back to the combination of one
To obtain the grace I was told was convenient
Splits and breaks. Long to short
How was this combination of one
convenient for any one.
With beauty all that was needed was moisture
Wash and put aside.
Grace he came with so much more
To have the grace everyone thought was acceptable came
With such a high cost
That from momma to child they all have to pay the cost.
The reason for the cost
Momma said beauty with grace would be easier for her and me
She said we’d fit in better with grace than with beauty
She knew grace was acceptable to live in chaos
For she could not take on beauty any more than she could handle grace
Smooth yet soft adorning my crown
This beauty was mine
Twelve was when we first met
He came with five mysterious parts
Out of a box he came: a large white round container, a taller round
container and two smaller round containers with a medium length light brown
stick
I had no say in the directions
I was told it was for my own convenience
Beauty was pulled into four different directions
and then bound in their places
A twelve year olds excitement as the taller round container
combined with the large white round container
the medium length light brown stick made them one.
Tap Tap Scrape
The cool combination of one touches my beauty
The excitement turns to anticipation and fear
Will it all still be there? I ask as the last combination of one
is placed on my bound beauty
Yes it will, was my reassurance
30 second my beauty felt this fire
A fire that only come from an unknown substance
Filling my body with a burning sharp and prickling sensation
Tears filled twelve year olds eyes; fear and doubt were soon to follow
As water came to make my beauty clean
Sitting up the beauty that was once tight curls absorbing water
Now was slick and dripping with water.
After being dried I noticed that I was free of curls
as my beauty moved with a different form of grace.
This grace came with a cost
a 6 week life span of course
Then it was back to the combination of one
To obtain the grace I was told was convenient
Splits and breaks. Long to short
How was this combination of one
convenient for any one.
With beauty all that was needed was moisture
Wash and put aside.
Grace he came with so much more
To have the grace everyone thought was acceptable came
With such a high cost
That from momma to child they all have to pay the cost.
The reason for the cost
Momma said beauty with grace would be easier for her and me
She said we’d fit in better with grace than with beauty
She knew grace was acceptable to live in chaos
For she could not take on beauty any more than she could handle grace
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