Sleep

Last night I could not sleep. There was something on my mind ,and I could not figure out what was it. I stayed up until 12 a. m. attempting to understand why I was so erractic in my thoughts. I knew there were no huge changes in my life or additional stress ,but I could not figure out why I could not sleep. Not being able to figure out my insomnia is a first for me; usually I can relax myself to figure out what is the issue and then attempt to fix what ever is troubling me. Last night was different even after relaxing myself I could not figure out what caused me to be wide awake at 12 a.m. I guess last night was one of those can't explain moments in life that I just need to leave alone. Which doing that is hard for me to do because I need to know why certain situations present themselevs in my life , so that I can better understand myself. I have this inane part of myself that wants to have my life make logical sense,to fit into my idea of how situations should go ,and to run somewhat smoothly. That seems for the most part plausable to me ,but realistically wanting to have my life work this way can drive me crazy very often. I think I may have figured it out , wow I am very dense. My sister is leaving today to go overseas to Egypt for military reasons. That is why I could not sleep because I am concerened about her saftey when she arrives on forgein land. I would not be this worried if it was a personal trip,because she is going over to Egypt as military personel is what worries me. Especially the fact that a lot of people in other countries do not like the U.S military and may create issues for her unit while she is there. Plus, my sister is a true indepenant american woman which is another factor on it's own. Whew! I'm glad I have an understanding of why I was troubled last night. I know her and the unit will come back safe! I just have to keep positive thoughts which will keep me from going insane. :)

Question

Ever feel as if life has this huge lagh and for some reason you are not in on it? Really can't understand why thing happen but live not worried as to why? Wanting to find an inner peace but all that is recieved is inner turmoil? Screams are heard from the outside but for some reason you can't hear them? Could this be the life we woke up each day to start with? Help with the understanding of the routine. Make it seem easy make it seem right. A realist may say life is what it is and deal an optomistic person would say you are the best in what you are there is always tomorrow and tomorrow is better each day but today is great. the mindless drabble of a person trying to go sane. What is sane? What is the norm? Can it be what I see each day? I don't know or do I care? On and on I can go but will it reach why I do what it is ?

Religous life

I took this quiz on Saturday and it started me to thinking after I read the results: Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already.In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and Samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth.

Well the funny thing is that I was thinking of changing my religion over to being a Buddhist with some Christian tendency. Which I am not certain about because to have a belief should a person be true to just one? That is the delma I am in.. There are aspects of both beliefs that I like but I do not like the religious part of either which causes the confusion I have now as well as disbelief in the faith.. If I take the man made views out of the picture I think I should be fine .. So I am going to do both because it is what I want to believe which should not matter to others.. Nor do I care..

I like the ideas of Buddhist because it makes each person responsible for themselves not need to go through another to feel better. It as well teaches self control over things you can control and some insight to things that I can not. If I follow the path then I can live right but as well knowing there is something higher than myself I can be fine. With Christianity it is somewhat the same but you do for others out of kindness knowing that in time those will be repaid as well to forgive and let go. I like to pray to the Supreme Being to help and insight but to believe that I need to go though Christ to talk to the One is ridiculous. In a way I see Jesus as a man that made it easy to do so but I need not pay reverence to a man that made it a little easy to talk to One.

I know I am on a tangent but this is off subject which cause me to start to think :I want to let go of a lot of thing but that is so hard to feel completely alone but yet know that I am not.. I guess family is somewhat always there but they sometimes can not fill the void that someone else could. I guess I will need to get over that I have ;one hurdle to get over I don't need a second to compound my issues. I am going to take some time and really research into all of this to make a well educated decision that I feel comfortable with. Well I guess I will deal with this and then move on to the next which I think is going to take more time to situate. Darn emotion and reasons to escape the mundane life. :) Me

Arugh

I’m mad cause I made plans with S on Thursday to do something then I get a text message at 743 telling me he’s deiced to be nice to a friend and help him move.. Mind you we agreed to go out mini golfing at 8pm. I understand that is his friend and since he has know him longer that me I have to be understanding to that .. Irregardless I was first and should have been considered first especially if I am consider as a girlfriend but humm I guess I was wrong eh…taking anyone’s word is really becoming borderline bullshit talk to get what the person ultimately wants. Just be honest o well besides the point I personally I think it is bullshit he just didn’t want to hang and did not what to hurt my feelings. I give him the opportunity to be like hey come by since I did flake on you nope not at all.. he like well im going to hang with a few of the guys not even a reminder like hey are you going to church with me nope just o well there is a nether time we can hang trying to act concerned about my feelings… (inner laughter) .. I did that cause im always asking to hang out or do anything he won’t call or anything unless I do it first just once I want to be pursued as usual I’m doing it well not any more I mean this is now making me think.. like this I give in to love or the feeling of love so quickly if it feels right. I thought it was the right time this time and I'm finding out that is not the case. Back to the same shit again... I really thought he was the turning point I was fooled which is a shocker but I guess it was coming. I guess it back to emotionless careless attitude who ever is present is how it is. It is always that I feel strongly for him and I am willing to voice that but it seems that he is not as vocal as I am. It’s like the Teria Marie song where she is singing about the indaquies of men.. I can only say so much with out seeming to force out how they feel.. Its frustrating to me that anyone has the inability to speak what is on their mind because of this I always end up confused hurt or angry. My saying is I can't understand I can't help or anything if you don't talk to me tell me so that I don't respond in the wrong manner.. If not I am going to take what I have and go from there and I want no bull when I do cause I gave the warning before hand. Whatever basically at this point I am not going to think negatively about love just that I have gave up hope that right now is the time for that. It felt nice for the short time but hey life goes on. I can’t say that I’m not hurt Id be crazy if I wasn’t.. sigh time will help just will become more focused on what it is I need to do which is work and school .. :) . life ahh what becomes of it

Life has this funny way of making you raise that what we as people are now doing is not what we are supposed to done. I would chase what I thought I wanted to figure out that it was wrong for me and I would be hurt. Now that I have moved forward from that type of thinking and my energy is elsewhere I am well known by those who did not want what I was chasing them for. It's weird in a sense that when I gave in now it is the reverse. Humm ... I don't want that any longer but how do I go about focusing on the new one yet it is not to the standards of the others.
The feeling is a bit different and is not what I am accustomed too which is why I have foucsed so much .. I guess I know what I need to do

A different kind of article

I was surfing on line at AOL.com and I came apon this story and was very excited to read more about the article. http://diets.aol.com/newsandtrends/relieved .
I found it interesting that Dove would use "normal" looking women to promote their products but at the same time could they not of gone up in size to maybe 18.. I see it in a way that media and the rest of society will try to keep the limits of plus to a size 12 maybe a 14. When I look at a woman who is a size 12 she is not really that plus at all. She looks normal just somewhat heavy. I have to ask , are people looking at what it is to be a plus size? My answer to that would be : because a woman is a size 12 she is not plus. Yet that woman may not look like the picturesque runway model but she is not plus. Plus to me is a size 16 and up because that woman has the look of what it means to be plus. Don't get me wrong I'm glad that medial is starting to use everyday women to promote their products. One day I hope that I can look at the person in the picture and see that I can wear what she is promoting. Instead of wtf, I would have to starve for like 10 years to even hope to wear that. Then again it would cause a whole slight downfall for a lot of companies and business if the media started to promote that its ok to like who you are on the outside and inside. Think about it if you put everyday women in pictures, it would boost slightly the self esteem issues with young girls which in turn would put a small damper in eating disorders. Can't have that now cause the drug and rehabilitation centers feed off of the money these parents throw to help heal there daughters gain some sense of esteem. I know that is harsh to say but that is the reality of society's one habit or idea feeds the other good or bad. I would like more companies like Dove to use everyday women to sell the products to boost the esteem of girls and women every where. But is society in general ready to accept that people don't look like actress and models?

You believe in God and your chosen religion.
Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..
Your convictions are strong and unwavering.
You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.

You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations.

Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot!

You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.
You are pure, moral, and adaptable.
You tend to blend into your surroundings.
Shy on the outside, you're outspoken to your friends.

You believe that you live a virtuous life...
And you tend to judge others with a harsh eye.
As a result, people tend to crave your approval.
You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words.
You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel.
People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation.
When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

Car

I hate car shopping its a pain in my ass. I have to figure out what kind I want what color what amenities how much I want to pay when do I want to do any test driving how much I want to put down how much I want to monthly payments to be make sure to car is in good condition. Once that is all figured out then I have to go to the dealership or on line or the darn paper to find the car.
Arugh!
Then when I buy the car something better or cuter comes along and I'm like kicking myself for not waiting.. I do not like multiple choices of a good thing then again I could take public transportation that is better for the world only if the damn system here was more on time I would take it it had like all night hours would be peachy so Im stuck getting a car if I want to get around this town.. Which doesn't make sense the system in san Fran is better but coming to the capital and it blows go fig. Its kind like damned if you do and damned if you don't. hahah

Humm

How can you make me love you when the time comes to show your face you give me a different view of you . What makes you think I care what it looks like could you tell me the truth of the matter please.

How can you change the world when no one seems to care. When you give me you're hand you ask for something in return with the other. Give me a chance to show my appreciating before telling me that you want something in return.

When is enough enough could the fastest win the race by stepping on others. It seemingly is correct here that if I step on you I could win .. If you ask me to help I could make the stepping easier.

Who says you're right and I'm wrong. Could it be that I could convince you that my way is right make it the standard by telling 100 more people which could make it the reality. Could you see that I could brainwash you with out even putting you in a cult look at society and how easy I could do that ..

you say you're an individual I say who told you that . Could you be individual and look the same act the same and still be in a group. All I need to do is tell you what an individual is give you a role model and you think you are.

sad to say there is no such thing just call yourself a faded copy of another person idea a carbon copy that has been written on before instead of on its own.

If you were an individual would you think the way you do talk the way you do dress the way you do .. Someone had to inspire you the thought was not original cause if it was why can some find something the same or similar

think of what created who you are and state I am a person in the world absorbing what is around.. I am a person not an individual

I'm a junkie hahah.. Anywho I feel good. I was thinking about my class last night and the teach was talking about christianity and it struck a cord with me . There is so much about this faith of mine that I did not know which is making me question the structure that I once believed was solid. Now I am not stating there is no God, I'm just questioning how he came into existance and who is He?
It hurts to know I've been decieved in a way all my life that there are other ways to experiance Him. Then I re look at the how the church is set up and how much it differs from what i have read about how the church was designed to be... My view is why go to a place where people dictate how the religion should be because no one is willing to challange it .. It kinda is like the bandwagon effect because everyone is doing it so should I. I don't think I should. So, now I am as this cross road trying to figure out why did I blindly listen to what I thought was right and not find out for myself all these years and what should I believe. That is going to take time.
I just see things differently even how I view myself to point.
How can people inclding myself just take things as they are and think that it is right or just, making it the standard for everyone? It is as if no one has the same mind we are just the same being with our statment that we are individuals but yet we try to conform to this imaginary uniformity.. Who am I to say that this is right but then again it seems as if I conform to what everyone else is if it seems right to me ..
I will basically need to take the time to reevealuate if this is the right way for me and then go forth with what is right to me .

Here I go again

Guess what happens again.. I meet somone and wow he is really nice + a good person. I was able to completly be myself and it was understood. Even though it was for a few days I felt like I had know him forever like a long lost friend that I had reaquanted with. I told him from start that I did not want anything sexual and basically something old fashoned just one day at a time is basically it. I thought we had that understanding.
As usual I find a way to go and mess it up.
We're having our normal conversation and I start to get tired which means my voice changes and I become more comfortable. I noticed that he was already that way with a very soothing voice. He starts talking about how he wants to hold , touch , kiss and all of these other physical things. Which I am ok with because I am affectionat person but he starts to go further.. I become closed and clam up I will admit. While he starts I say hey arent we going a little fast with a few I think we should stop dont you think its a bit too soon and even no. I guess I dont sound conviencing enough cause it seems like I like what he is saying and feeding into it and I may have. Even still I am very quiet he ask do I have something to say and I answer that I dont.also as well I am very distant as if I am not participating. I have half-ass answers when he ask me any questions. He doesnt take the hint and keeps on.
So he finally stops and ask me something and I at this point know this is just all he wanted .. physical.. figures.. most men say o I like you for who you are..you're honest down to earth funny easy to talk to .. all this nice bulshit things..
I closed up yea that is right..
why should I have to re-explain myself when I already said I did not want sex and here you go doing what I asked not for you to do.. how was i going to say in the middle of your tirate that Hey you i dont want this I thought you were listening to me that you cared and valued me! I guess not because you're doing the one thing I staited I did not want.
Then Im the bad guy cause I did not want to repeat myself that Im hurt... that I am repeating my past all over again.. I thought his was different his words his mannorism ha I guess not just the same lines Ive heard since I lost my virginty at 20.. Im so sick and tired of this .. Why do finding decent people have to be so hard? Why is it that when I stand up for what I dont want Im treated like the bad person like I said something wrong done something wrong mislead the person.
He was nice and apologized but its hard for me to belive that he wants to take it one day at a time that he is not after something physcal. He said something that made me think. I am able to pull in a fine female ... I attracted to you for who you are and started listing some of my traits. That made me think that he is not physicaly attracted to me that I am just what ever for the time being that there is something better and Im just the meantime.. figures..
Im cute I can take that but Im 5'2 190lbs who would really find that atractive I have to work hard on my personality to show Im a great person so that it makes me physically more atractive and I am begning to be ok with that because it is how the world works.. I just dont want to be treated that because i dont want to have sex im a horrible person that I am to be treated with kid gloves.. its not fair.. I know I am to blame for this whole thing if I said what i was thinking even thought it would of hurt his feelings I would not feel the way i do now.. He doesnt even want to show affection to me any more, figures.. no man can seperate a hug from intercourse it all means the same. I can let go and forgive but now I dont know if I want to talk with him anymore it was in his voice the hurt , fustration, confusion,blaming me cause I was not vocal enough. I dont want to loose your friendship I dont know why I care but I do so ... *sniff* Im doomed to be alone I guess all at my expense.. If I loose this heh its life I'll get over get on forgive and be me :)

American Heart Association

Im so excited about taking on this new cause for the american heart association.. It like a shining part in my life.. To help a cause that will benifit many other people maybe in the future even myself. It just bugs me that others would refuse to help in something that has helped there lives or even someone else in their family.. I love to help out great cause because it not just helping me but its helping eveyone and that is a great feeling. So i have to give up part of my saturday and walk but I've given up worse. I've lost that at first but this year i came back to being a humanitarian figuring that its a great thing to do.. See out side myself and my views to give of myself for the better good. I dont know which feeling is better sex or doing something that helps others. Hell I know helping others. Any who more promotion for the AHA... Ahem... this cause helps out so much with the cure and prevention for heart dieasese.. giving just a dollar for each mile I walk goes to words more cures and info to the public for heart diesese.. you never know it could be you that needs this help that many people put towards helping to conqure this.. I am walking a 5K marathon and even though on the web it shows 25.00 hey there is a way just to mail out less than that.. If you want more info the website is http://www.americanheart.org/
to give towards this great cause http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sacramentoca/nykki

Love is never silent

Love is never silent
A loving heart, a gentle smile a warm and tender touch.
We give so many things in life but nothing means as much.
A little inspiration when someone loses hope,
A kind word of encouragement when they no longer seem to cope.
A simple phrase I love you when no one else is there,
Taking hold onto a hand in a little heartfelt prayer.
"Love is never silent"
It has so much to say, and it is our greatest blessing when we give it all away

I really hurt someone recently.. I would not call it hurt but Des would say differently.. Well we were talking for a short period of time and there were some feeling there, but because of me not wanting to have sex for a long time it was fustrating for him and as well he really didn't see my view point..During this time we talked about having a relationship and I was thinking I am not ready for a relationship.. or am I? Anywho I would say a week ago we decieded to try having a relationship. I was excited about this huge step and plus he is a good guy but then I started to logicaly think about my decision to saying yes. He works nights and goes to school during the day and I am the opposite. I have Sat/Sun off , He has Wed/Thurs off. He wants to leave for FL. in two to three years, I'm wanting to go to San Fran or NY in that same time span for school. He believes that a relationship is just a phase before marrage and what happens in that time does not matter untill marrage. Im opposite I belvieve a realtionship is just a mirror image of a marriage as well why get married its unneeded paperwork and and unnesscary expense. If me and the person I am with make a commitment to stay together that is between us now if it is to be shared with everyone so be it but I'm not going to go through a huge un-needed cerimoniy to show somone I love them when I can do it everyday I am with that person. Off that tangent.. I email him( yeah I know not the "propper" way to do this ) and tell him it is not in our best interest to pursue a relationship due to these factors. He was hurt and I understand that completly because I have been indecisive with him as well he did not want to talk to me anymore which I understood as well. I just did not want to be in an empty relationship because the two people involved did not have time for each other. Its not fair to him nor me and that is why I had to tell him no that we could not be " together" I thought I did the right thing..