Questioning

This is my first questioning session. I guess reading a few fellow blogger out and some questions popped into my mind

Why do people want to get married?

I don’t seem to understand what is with the deal with marriage. I should not have to show a bunch a people that I am willing to become committed through an over/under priced ceremony. Once the person and I have made a promise to each other, then we have the same values of a marriage.
Religiously, yes marriage is to show a man and a woman’s commitment to each other before God. But when did it become a relationship’s rite of passage?
I once asked a male friend why he should get married.
He responded,” To remain faithful to one woman and only be with her. Because she is the source of everything am to need, want, protect and desire this woman for the rest of my life.”
My response was: Isn’t that what you are doing when you are dating a woman for a long period of time. Why is that you have to go through a ceremony to get a piece of paper to confirm what your relationship is already biased on?”
I have noticed that more and more people in “long term” relationships feel the need to impel themselves into marriage, as if seemingly, a couple that does not get married their relationship has no validity. My thing is don’t make more out of a relationship than there already is with a force commitment that should come naturally.

Why is media so canned?

I, yes, watch AI on Tuesday night to see what the season was going to be about and snickered at the failed attempts at carbon copy stardom. The whole time I am watching I wondered: where is the creativity, the struggle, and the effort of being a true artist? It seems that the artist that deserve the recognition are pushed to the back and we the reverer’s of art succumb to digging in the pile of muck to get what we really want , human incentives. Now, I used AI as an example but the news, book, movie, dance, art, and theater basically all mediums of entertainment are the same. It is as if I am having leftover forever and it is sickening. Take a moment to think, that is why piracy is so high because people are tired of junk. I’m sick of paying my hard earned dollars to an industry that believes I should have to pay for shi**y stuff . If I went to my employer and treated them the way the media does the reverer’s of art, I’d be out of a job. Why can’t it be the same for media?

Why is that people are complaining with no form of recourse?

I read and I hear people complain about the world around them, yet they do nothing to change or put forth change. Don’t give criticism if you don’t have something behind it to make a change. No not say something to make it better but to actually go out and put the words into action. I see that it is easier for people to speak but to do is a different story. It is disarming to hear great ideas and people are waiting for someone else to go out and do the footwork for them. Unfortunately life and change does not work that way but most people think that it does. There is no reason for a country such as America that is ran by the people for the people to be in such condition that it is in. People say it is the politics yet do you know that we elect those people into office. If we wanted to remove each person we as a nation could but that requires each person to put forth an effort to do that. Americans can’t sit and wait for someone to do it for them because if we each look around that idea is not working.

Why is that when people speak(verbal) they are lazy with the enunciation/ pronunciation of the words?

Ask. Say it . Now do you say ax. Arugh. Yea I know there are people with speech impediments, accents, ect. With those reason out of the way, what is so hard in saying a word correctly or better yet speaking in a manor that another person can completely understand with out misunderstanding? I know I am at fault,and I constantly work on that part of my words. I find it funny when someone enunciates/ pronounces a word wrong and they expect you to know what they said. Umm no, the telepathy is off today and won’t be back ever. Try speaking in a clear manor because it’s really not that hard when an effort is placed.

Well that’s my ranting for now. Thanks to all the writers out there that caused me to think it helped a lot!!

I recived this via an email today

Someone will always be prettier.

Someone will always be smarter.

Someone's house will be bigger.

Someone will drive a better car.

Someone's children will do better in school.

And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go,

and love you and your circumstances.

Think about it.

The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.

And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.

And the richest woman you know,

she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.

And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."

So, again, love you.

Love who you are.

Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say

"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"

"Winners make things happen.

Losers let things happen."

"To the world you might be one person,

but to one person you just might be the world".
Have a beautiful day!
-unknown

I came back

I know it's early but I noticed that my writing needed to be freed. The next week school is starting so it's not workable (if that is a word) to do it on the 19th. Well I hope the holidays were well for everyone. Vegas was fun!! I won 300 on roulette, did the strip (my clothes stayed on, no stripping for me <--- yeah a weak joke, talk to strangers at tables and on the streets, and rode the monorail. No shopping, ack, I know. But over all I had a good time. Not going back for a while I like my money just a bit too much and gambling is expensive. Ok but more of my kvetching and soul searching through my writings. I love writing it helps me see what I can’t see in my mind yet it shows I have a lot of work to make it better. A better person or to see my world in my words to laugh cry and have an ah ha moment. I guess that is part of why I am here. Ok ok I'm rambling but one more thing I love feed back. I thank God for allowing me to be in your presence and lastly welcome!!

Take care

Everything will be ok. I am starting to believe in that

I want to confess that:

I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.

Now:

I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.

I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.

So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control

Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.

This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.

There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.

Makes me feel. Exhale

I am alone for once in my adult life. Since I have been 19 I have been from one fling to another. I really never had time to myself because I did not want to be by myself. I needed to have the closeness of another person. Not just for sex but to know that person was there when I needed them. I needed another person to validate me instead of self validation. I needed to be the girl that helped a man through his transition phase and then move on. These last few days I have been inundated with a lot of information about myself and I was in awe about how other people have perceived me.

This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.

- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with

Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.

While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.

Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.

I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh

Just a little talk with Jesus II

Here I am again talking about this again and guess what I have made a decision.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.

It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.

I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.

I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.

Makes me feel.Inhale

Could I be making a mistake?
Humm an interesting thought but then again I have had this thought very often, yet this time it is actually of a thought provoking and a slight motivation to actually change what I was becoming so comfortable with.
However I am fearful of the change because this is out of my control and out of my realm of actually “foreseeing” what the outcome is. ML has made me see myself for what I knew was possible and what was not possible. A lot of what ML has made me aware of I needed to do for a long time. Indistinctively, I knew I needed to do what was being brought forth to my attention but I was not willing to make the changes because I thought I am not that bad off.

Ah! I need to retrace how I have consciously decided to do.
I am noticing that God has a way of making apparent what needs to be done.

I have just recently broken up with SB. I thought we were going to have something long term and committed. (This by the way is a first for me if I was going to be committed.) He stated to me that it was in God’s will that we needed to be apart and oddly I understood. I knew there were things that I needed to work on and become more consistent in other aspect. I remember that SB stated our relationship was a hindrance to what he needed to be doing with the will of God. At first I did not like hearing that but I knew that it was the truth for both of us, once I became more comfortable with the truth I knew I needed to take the time necessary to do what it is that I need to do with myself and my spirituality.
Then came along ML.

He came back into my life when I came to church on Christmas day and saw him there. We spoke briefly about what’s going on in our lives, exchanged numbers, and I left. ML and I spoke on New Years day and he wanted to know if I had a good time in Vegas as well when I was coming back. A few minutes of talking and ML ask me if I was wanted to become involved with a casual relationship. I was taken aback when he asked me this because of his history with women and as well I did not think I was much of his type. ML assured me that no matter what he was not going anywhere and that we’ve known each other too long to let a casual fling interrupt our friendship. I agreed with him.

On the other hand, knowing that I just came out of a relationship 14 days ago I needed to make certain I was not rebounding because I had an itch to have sex; I don’t need to fall into the immediate gratification trap. During my adult life I have not know what it was like to be alone because I would go fling to fling or be in a relationship and has a side “ team”. I owed it to myself to actually be alone for once. I knew after SB that my heart could not handle another break up. I did not want to go through the whole relationship process all over again for I am beginning to become weary of the toll it is taking. However I like the feeling of a relationship because it gives me a chance to help another person through their struggle in life to maybe make them a better person. In a sense feel needed and wanted for what I am doing for them. Odd I know but it makes me happy when I see the changes I am helping bring forth to another person.
A side thought though: I feel horrible for moving on so quickly. I don’t right now know what to categorize my feelings for ML or if I should even have any. I don’t think I could feel the way for anyone else that I have with SB. Then again maybe these feelings I think I have for ML are just admiration for his ability to conjure in me the feelings I have been longing for, for so long.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to be awakening into a state of total consciousness of myself by ML’s words.
ML told me he had been interested about having sex together for a while but did not know if I would be open to him.
I let ML know that I am used to an open relationship but I wanted something more than just friends with benefits. I enjoy the freedom of such an arrangement but at the same time I wanted some of the normality of a non open relationship.
He countered my request with the question how could I want anything when I don't know what it is that I want?

An interesting question he prompted...
How could I want what I speak of yet I don’t know really what it is that I want nor who exactly I am? I have figured out the more I have been talking to ML that, I have issues which need to be tended to.

Then ML adds to this by stating; " Nykki why can't you take things one step at a time? All things will come to you in time. What you want to know now will come in time. You can’t rush everything nor can you pre-plan every aspect of your life. Just go with the flow for once and relax.

Arughhh. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to wrap my head around the understanding to almost everything because if it doesn’t make sense to me why should I be doing anything. It is me needing need to know why, why not, and how come. These questions I need my answered before jumping into anything. I can't have these feelings and then in the long run it was a game. I don't like suffering needlessly if I can prevent it. That is why I need to know all of this information before hand to know what it takes years to know today because I hate how I feel when I have been put through an emotional rollercoaster as well I know what it is like to be the cause of the rollercoaster. O Ay Ay I don’t know what it is to relax. I have had to be a thinker for such a long time that being laid back and easy going is like asking night to be day and day to be night. Strongly enough I know that I can make the minor adjustment to make my life less complicated.

I have noticed that the more and more I was talking with ML he understood exactly what I was saying and not saying. He made me completely open; I did not hide anything from him or felt that I had to hide anything. I was refreshing to be completely honest and frank with anyone. He responded with out me having to overly elaborate what I was trying to convey across to him. For once in my life I knew what it felt like to be understood. I did not have this feeling with SB. It was like with SB I was a care giver, a slight partner, a parent, a friend, a character. I was comfortable taking care of him and slowing beginning to see the positive changes in myself because of his positive, warm and carrying persona. I wanted to be this open with SB but I did not know if he could handle a lot of the stuff I had done in my past. I have not done anything crazy but I have had a very open sexual life, I have cheated on previous bf's I have had an abortion, and I have attempted suicide. I have heard the lines from men that wanted to know my past and they say that can handle what I have to say as well as that they would not look at me any differently. But once I go into my story, they each change and treat me just a little differently. Now with ML I have told him some of these things and he is still treating me the same and his understanding that I don’t’ need to be a picturesque girl is a warm feeling.


This experience with ML I was not in control. I did not know what to expect/ I was vulnerable and this scares me. It alarms me that ML had the ability to comprehend and respond in the manor that he has in the last few days. I have known him for such a long time and all I thought he was is a womanizing nymphomaniac. I know it is unfair of me to think of ML in this manor but when all of our conversations have been about his last conquest and the next one he is going to conquer, what am I supposed to think. These last few days have shed a lot of light on ML and I’m glad I have been fortunate enough to see this side, finally.

ML asked me a few question some sexual and some thought provoking. I like the thought provoking enjoyed the sexual questions but I am going to divulge the thought provoking because that is what is sticking with in me.

What do you want Nykki?
: Silence:
What do you want Nykki?
I’m waiting for an answer
: Silence:
I gave a half ass answer but I am going to answer honestly now

I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want the drowning in y self, my emptiness, the certainty, the pain, the loneness, the infrequency, not being fulfilled, not being motivated, not being kept interested, the lies, the constant searching, not being what I feeling now, not learning , not being appreciated, no romance or creativity and not being completely myself.

What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?

I gave a blanket answer more so a sexual appeasing answers. Here is the truth

I want to be completely myself; I want to show what it is like to give unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and support. To still be strong in my faith of God with you. I want physical intimacy not sex but to know that you are pleased, attracted to me. To have in the intimacy creativity, openness, fun and consistency. To let you know I am not jealous if you need to go outside of me to do what I can’t do. To know that you can trust me with all inner most parts of whom you are and want to be. To have you grow to your full potential with us and never loosing who you are. When it all boils down to know you are happy with me or that if you are not happy with me that our friendship allows us to be happy with whoever is right for us. Mutual respect.

Is that a bit sappy, yeah. A bit unrealistic, yep but I feel that I can do that and I deserve to attempt to have this and a little more. I don’t ask for much as many men have the tendency to tell me. This is realistic for me.

This is unknown territory.
The tables have been turned on me
I know what is to be helped
When I am drowning in myself
I understand why I acquire men who need help
Because those times have prepared me for now
This now
I see what I have been missing in my personal walk called life
I like the way I feel.
It is warm,
This unknown territory, in an odd sense is comfortable
It is a soft breeze on a clear day
The feeling I don't think I'm ready for it to leave
It’s a struggle yet an affirmation
Like a fairy tale but not ending in the cliché words of happily ever after
Its beginning in a manor not expected in or that I would least expect nor will it end
In the typical manor
Expect.
This word unknown is ironically safe and secure.

Hummm. Am I making a mistake?

VACATION

To anyone who reads this post I am on vacation from tonight till the 5th of January 2006 in Vegas. After the vacation,I am going to take two weeks to recoup from my relationship loss as well as make a plan to follow my note to self stuff. Long story short I'll be writting around Jan 19th.

Thank you for sharring my life with me and enjoy your New Year celebrations!!

Nykki

Note to self

I am going to write a non love post soon because this over emotional stuff is too much on my psyche. I need to see more of the world around me and respond. A more well rounded person. No New years resolutions and no stupid I promise to stop doing this. I am going to like me and bear with the nuances of my persona the best I want to not can. I know that I am a great person and there is talent in here somewhere. Even if don’t know what to believe in or how I will make more sense and accept who I am for whom I am. The world is a place I live in and I need to make it bearable for those around me but conducting myself in a manor that if look back on that situation I am truly ok with it not just dealing because it happened. Because I love me each day fat and all... Ha-ha.

“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
-unknown

From that point foward

I got a text today from S. He tells me that he was out of town for the past week and did not come back till Friday. He also tells me that he got my note and did not understand what I was saying and that it seemed like I had a lot on my mind as well he was praying about us. I responded back that I had a lot on my mind. He tells me that maybe it is for the best because he wants to be in the will of God and that I am a sweet young lady.

I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.

Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.

Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.

I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.


Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.

O woe woe eww eeeee ahrgh haaa

A description of the title: When I feel bad I make noises to describe my mood instead of words. Childish, I know but it makes me feel better because when someone asks me how goes it I then make my noises per my mood and it makes me and sometimes the other person laugh.

Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.

This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.

Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.

I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.

Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.

I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.


I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.

People are such Aholes

Lately I have noticed that more and more people are just down right mean for no reason.

For example I am trying to get on the freeway and a car about 20feet from me will speed up and prevent me from getting on the freeway. I don’t understand why a person would need to speed up to prevent someone from getting in front of them when they were not driving that fast from the get go.
I never did understand this fascination with drivers and not allowing someone else to get in front of them when necessary.

I have gotten to the point when I have to go out in public I need to have a "tuff skin" to deal with other people. It is like I am a no nonsense person and if you hit me, I’m going to hit you back. I don't like having this demeanor however it keeps me from being ran over from the people whom have forgotten please and thank you.

If I am nice to people they act as if I was supposed to be courteous to them. This to me is not right. I was always told when I was younger that being kind to another person is not a right it is a privilege but be kind to another person because you may need that same kindness reciprocated one day.

I have noticed that when people are in their cars or an open place they forget what manners are. The perceptions of people is that they have the right to do as they please, when they please, and with no form of recourse from anyone.

I want those obnoxious people to pay for being aholes however it is becoming common place to reward those that are rude and inconsiderate instead of the other way around. I say if people stay putting rude people in their place it may help with the ongoing issues. Being passive because "people are crazy” is not an excuse. When I feel that I am being inundated with rudeness I politely tell the person that I don’t like what they are doing, shockingly a lot of the time the person did not realize they were being so self-centered!

I'm just concerned that people may get to the point that the gesture for thank you will be a middle finger and for thank you a kiss my a**. We all need to become more community focused instead of self focused because you are not the only person out there that has to live in the planet. So why not help make things easier for yourself and others.

Perm

Natural and flowing free from radicals
Smooth yet soft adorning my crown
This beauty was mine

Twelve was when we first met
He came with five mysterious parts
Out of a box he came: a large white round container, a taller round
container and two smaller round containers with a medium length light brown
stick

I had no say in the directions
I was told it was for my own convenience
Beauty was pulled into four different directions
and then bound in their places

A twelve year olds excitement as the taller round container
combined with the large white round container
the medium length light brown stick made them one.
Tap Tap Scrape

The cool combination of one touches my beauty
The excitement turns to anticipation and fear
Will it all still be there? I ask as the last combination of one
is placed on my bound beauty
Yes it will, was my reassurance

30 second my beauty felt this fire
A fire that only come from an unknown substance
Filling my body with a burning sharp and prickling sensation
Tears filled twelve year olds eyes; fear and doubt were soon to follow
As water came to make my beauty clean

Sitting up the beauty that was once tight curls absorbing water
Now was slick and dripping with water.
After being dried I noticed that I was free of curls
as my beauty moved with a different form of grace.

This grace came with a cost
a 6 week life span of course
Then it was back to the combination of one
To obtain the grace I was told was convenient

Splits and breaks. Long to short
How was this combination of one
convenient for any one.
With beauty all that was needed was moisture
Wash and put aside.
Grace he came with so much more

To have the grace everyone thought was acceptable came
With such a high cost
That from momma to child they all have to pay the cost.

The reason for the cost
Momma said beauty with grace would be easier for her and me
She said we’d fit in better with grace than with beauty
She knew grace was acceptable to live in chaos
For she could not take on beauty any more than she could handle grace

Just a little talk with Jesus I

●According to Enclopedia Britannica “Humans relate to what they regard as holy, sacred, spiritual, or divine. Religion is commonly regarded as consisting of a person's relation to God or to gods or spirits yet moral conduct, right belief and participation in religious institutions are elements of religion”.

●Religion is attempting to do is create answers to the basic questions that we ask ourselves. (Why do we suffer? Why is there evil?)

●Religion according to Miriam Webster is “… a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices and cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with and/or and faith”.

I bring this up because I hate man in religion. Now that I have said that, it is in no way shape or form denying to myself or others that there is not a God. The reason I am saying this is this past summer I took a philosophy class about the seven major religions of the world. After the class was over, I believed my mind and eyes were opened to a lot of things that I have been blindly following because I was told this is the way it is. It is unfortunate when there are questions about religious actions or ideas that a bland answer such as, because it is in “His” word that it should make me subjective to follow. The apostle Paul wrote: when I was a child, I acted like a child and once I became a man I acted as a man ¹. I am using this paraphrase of the actual scripture because as I grow into a woman the ideas and beliefs that were suggested that I were to follow I was able to do so with out question for I was not allotted the ability to go and seek on my own but I am older now and I know the world is not as rose glassed colored as I assumed. So for a man called by God to teach, lead, and support the children of God; I need more substance than “He is God” or read the word for clearer understanding. Now that I have introduced a little of my background I have been combating these thoughts for a few months now: I believe that I am a Christian. I like the faith and the ideals to make my life easier to bear day to day but I hate the institutions of Christianity, more so or not the church. I see it as man becoming involved with the rituals of faith by structuring the views set in the bible as his/her own.

Here I am stuck because what I have learned from the philosophy class was that the bible may have been ordained by God to write through certain authors. But there was a time that the roman empire was rewriting the bible and if certain parts did not fit in the bible that the Romans wanted it was destroyed. Now that may sound crazy yet there has been proof to show that other parts of the bible were written to give more insight to the bible, were written before or after certain parts of the bible, and that the bible was set to show as if certain parts were foreseeing the future when in actuality they were written during the time they happened but rewritten to fit in the era they were not from (foreseeing Christ coming into the world in Psalms, I think.) Then my next issue is how we portray Jesus as part of the trinity. How a lot of Christian based faiths are indicated that it is God the Father, the son and the Holy spirit. In no way am I indicated there was no Jesus but I am confused as to why when we pray we have to go through Jesus to get to the Supreme One. If Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we could speak to the father and he is one of the holy tinity; why do I have to pray in Jesus’ name? That seems a bit illogical to me almost as if I am Catholic¹ in the same sense that if I were Catholic I would have to talk to a priest who talks to God for me. I am lost in transitions. Should I believe what I want to believe based off of what I am learning on my own or should I follow blindly to what I have been told , accepting what others think to believe as true?

Honestly I think No. The reason being is there is a scripture that indicates: study to show thy self approve¹. How can a person study a religion to show themselves approved yet they know not the history of this religion , they do not truly understand why it they are doing what they are doing or for that matter if what they are doing is actually part of the scriptures they are supposed to be reading. This ties back to why I hate man in religion. Because man takes what they have read ,comprehends what they have read to their understanding of the Supreme One and then dictates what they have read to others as if “God” told them to say it and be cause people need a reason to live basically an escape . We blindly follow till something causes a person to think on their own.

This is part one of my journey as I think more I will write more.

Thanks
Me

¹ paraphrased from the actual saying or scripture and I have nothing against Catholics I am just using the ideas to support my reasoning.

My forgiveness cents

The following passage is taken from The Media’s Image of Arabs an essay written by Jack G Shaheen in 1992:
True to the cliché of the times, the only good Indian was a dead Indian. But when I mimicked or mocked the bad guys, my mother would cautioned me. She explained that stereotypes hurt, that they blur our vision and corrupts the imagination. “Have compassion for all people, Jackie” She said. Experience the joy of accepting people as they are and not as they appear in films, she advised."
I read this truly understood what Shaheen’s mother was saying to him about having compassion for all people. Let me explain why I understood what Shaheen’s mother was saying. I am very understanding person of people, not because I am a Christian or because I am understanding, but because of my family. My mother and father did not say as specifically as Shaheen’s mother to respect other people regardless of color, instead my parents would say to me and my sisters,” you will need people one day so be kind to them”or”what you do to other will have a way of coming back to you. ” Yes, I know this sound as if I should be kind to other because I expect a reward if the tables are turned, but also it taught me to be understanding to people because if the tables are turned would you like the same actions reprociated to you. A lot of time people forget in the mist of their emotions that if the tables were turned, would they want someone to show them compassion. Yet each person allows hurtful stereotypes and personal feeling cloud their thoughts when they are mocking or passing judgment on others. A question that each person could prompt to themselves is: Can each person look past another person who has wrong them and or their family? The answer to this can differ but the majority would say, no. Why is that? I can’t personally answer that question because I forgive in spite of, yet then again I have not been in a situation where another person has killed my family or hurt someone close to me , however I know how I would respond.

I remember a conversation I was having about a year ago with my sister, C, about forgiving someone if they were to kill someone in my family. The conversation was prompted after watching the Oprah show. In the episode there was a mother and her granddaughter, the granddaughter wanted to meet the man who raped and killed her mother. The grandmother could not understand why she wanted to meet this man but accepted that this was her granddaughter’s form of healing. She, the granddaughter, meets the man who had committed this atrocity
to her mother and told him that she had forgiven him for what he had done to her mother. C was taken aback by the fact that the young women forgave the man that killer her mother a. I could not understand why she was so against why the young woman forgave her mothers killer. C’s stance was that he killed her mother so why should she forgive him there is no need to forgive someone who has harmed anyone’s family in that matter. Here is a portion of the conversation:
Me: “Don’t you do thing wrong with or with out thinking and once you have come to your senses wouldn’t you want someone to be understanding and forgive you once you have been punished?”
C’: “What he did was different; he killed another person”
Me: “Okay, so he killed another person. When you lie, steal, and gossip doesn’t that kill another person as well?”
C: “Again that is different; I did not take someone’s life. I just lied, ect. You can not compare killing someone to typical life situations. Killing is just wrong and can not be forgiven”
Me: “So let me understand this, it is okay to hurt a person internally but if the pain is external such as death it is okay because the person is still alive, right. I don’t understand why is that people hold grudges? What’s done is done, yes, everyone has the right to hurt and take time to heal but if you hold on to what has be done wrong to you all you are doing is reliving the pain over and over again. What good is that? “
C: “When a person does wrong they have to be punished and if the punishment is to relive over and over again, that is what they deserve for doing what they did. I know as for me, if someone was to kill one of you guys, I would not forgive the killer; I would want to do an eye for an eye.”
This is a problem. If a person can not let go of the big thing how can they let go of the trivial things in life. I am not stating that when a person does wrong they are not to be punished but how many times must a person be punished for a wrong they have already done.

I have noticed that when I have let go of the wrongs that people have done against me I feel better, Almost in a sense free of the weight of emotions I don’t need. For example, I was left stranded on a date. The guy I was going to go out with dropped me off in the front of the fair because he did not want me to walk from the car to the fair, which I thought was very kind of him to do. As he drove off, he waived to me and I knew he was coming back. Well five minutes turned to fifteen minutes and I wondered where he went. I called his phone, no answer. So, here I am twenty minutes away from home and every one I knew was doing other things and I could not reach anyone. I was hurt, angry, and self depreciated. I wanted to find him and cause hurt that would teach him to never cross my path in that matter again, or anyone else’s in that matter,
but I knew causing pain to him would not rectify what he had done to me. An eye for an eye, in this instance would not take away the multiple of emotions I felt at the time, yes, it would make me feel better but for how long. Once I made him pay for what he did to me, would it take away?
the thought that would plague my mind of that night and the vengeance I took upon him, on the other hand I can forgive him and move on. I forgave him. He gave me whatever reason it was that he stranded me but I did not care because I let go of the emotions that held me to the situation. I let him explain his self for his conscious but I did not care because I internally healed from the pain he caused and let him go with forgiveness. I have spoken to him a few times since but he is not considered a friend.

Forgiveness is a hard word for people to understand but for me it is very easy. Because what I understand forgiveness is to move on. Think of forgiveness in this matter:
To for give of yourself is to let go of your giving self to allow the wrongs a person has
completed against you, to go for good. But in return of allowing your giving self to allow the wrongs to go the person must go.
Now that doesn’t mean to become inhumane to the person, rather they are not in your life as the person they were before you have to forgive them.

Each person has their way to live their life but if each person let’s go of wrongs done in their life to just tolerate another person things may just be easier. Keep in mind I am not stating it is ok to have people walk all over you because you are to stand your ground against your personal injustice but when a situation has already pass to forgive the person and work hard to help others not to relieve that path that has caused you pain. As Sheehan’s mother perfectly put, “Experience the joy of accepting people as they are …” Acceptance is the key because we can not change other but we can change ourselves, if each person is willing to take the initiative to change it may make the world we live in easier to bear.

That’s just my two cents.

My own________ experiance

I was online reading female misogynist blog spot and she was talking about the suicide of her sister that was pretty recent for them. While I was reading this it struck a cord with me because September 3, 2001 I had attempted suicide myself. Yes, I know now that it was stupid, selfish, and irrational but when I was in the midst of my inner turmoil logic was not what I was clinging to, to hold me sane.

I don’t tend to ever talk about this point in my life, my breakdown, my low point, and my revision. I thought why should I, I knew I made a mistake and I did not want to go back to understand why because I have already done this. Why is that people think we have to dig up an issues , relive it to only burry it again. This is not going to be that in this writting.

Here I am two and half years later prompted to dig out the mess I created, the turning point to who I am now. All because I stopped by another persons bog spot and because my sister threw it in my face during an arument. If there is a skeptics out there that does not believe in the cliché saying, "Things in life happen for a reason" I am here to say they do.

I am now question myself. Asking the question: is this just a trend in my life right now to stop, rethink, react, and change what ever it is that I am doing wrong or right to what could be possibly better? At this point I just don't know.

I keep asking myself this question repeatedly yet I know what I have to do. I stopped have sex so causally. If you talked to me five months ago, I' would have told you I have three and I am pretty content not having a committed monogamist relationship. O gosh don't gasp in anguish about the irresponsibilities of three different men because we all do reckless things, mine was sex. Beside the point, that life style was beginning to get old for me and then I met S.
I am working on my health by working out more, attempting to eat better( which the eating right part is darn near impossible ,but I am trying, while I am working full time going as well as to school full time. The easiest eating right thing is MCD in the car while reading a chapter out of my history book).
Finally I am trying to figure out my spirituality which I have decided to stick with the facade of Christianity because I really like a lot of what it gives the follower. I need emotion the ability to have ranges and restrain whereas with Buddhism I have one monotone reaction. They both flow well and have a lot of common traits in common so I did not loose in the qualities that Buddhism brings because it is within Christianity. However the time to take to become devoted in learning and studying a faith is consuming which makes my life see just a little out of balance.

So here are my three parts of a girlie. (I guess I need to do a 12 week program eh) Wait maybe I will. How ever it goes I am grateful that I had these two situations to jar me into awareness of myslef to become even more aware of Me .


* I have taken the needed physco help for my issues, sometimes being stubborn and wanting to do thing my way creates the vicious circle I go in.

I let my fingers talk

Yet she sees no one to help heal the pain of what is not there the hidden words that only she hears inside.

why must she hurt

why must she live to the expectant ideals that she does not know .

could falling in love be so easy and falling out be so far.

is this what life is made up of the tireless questions of the no answers soon too come.

Could I sell you this torn shirt these tight jeans? They are cute because all the famously rich and self righteous people are wearing them . OO ya'll look how cute you could be in them. Your hopes and dreams are in the materilistic view that I am selling you. All I need is your soul and the pin to your atm card.

Come on now don't be shocked that I am offering you the life you could never have. I mean you give your money to talentless , irresponsible, ungrateful people and you cant give me your soul and the pin to your atm card?

I want to know why when she goes to the mirror the finger is pointed down her throat in disgust that she cant be a size 0 in a huge house and with all the money the world doesn't have to offer.

Why is it that he stands in the mirror wishing he was tall and strong. Chisaled and secure. Hitting his fist to his chest trying to be the pretend man that no woman wanted him to be in the first place.

I can't make the craziness go away only the person within can. Untill each person comes to their own awakening then the vicious circle will contenou picking up new "victims"

Ah yes "victims" because that is what he/she is called when they allow themselves to be caught up in the conterprodutive stlye that the beast and beauty called society. However each wanted to live their life don't place the blame on the unfaced name of society because you, are society

This is meant to be

Ever feel like there was that one person that would be there no matter what….

Not the case…

I thought (o here comes a lot of issues here with this one) that the one would at least show up and spend time with me but I guess I was wrong.

I am not overly dependant but when it come around to things that are really important to me I would like it if the person I hold dear would show up and at a reasonable hour.

I don’t expect a lot of any person. I just want the basics met. I am open and free spirited. I don’t tell people what they have to do and when they have to do it. I just want to be valued and respected. However in this game that is called dating, this is not the case.

I am not a psycho girl. I am not an emotional needy broad. I am not a gold digger. I am not time consuming.

I am dependable. I am independent. I understand. I am compassionate. I am loveable.

Yet time and time again these qualities are taken advantage of and it hurts.

I want to give in the towel. I say those words time and time again, as well as I am not going to have high expectations or expect much yet I fall into the trap each time a new person comes into the picture.

Meaning to do well I may give the appearance that I am easy and will be understanding to everything. But once I stand my ground, the person who said they care so much suddenly disappears. Here I am again wondering what I have done so wrong to make that person leave me. I beat myself up trying to make sense of what I need to do to make sure being left alone to pick up the heart I wear so easily on my sleeve is not hurt again.

I finally tell myself the bogus line; he wasn’t good for me because he could not see what a good person I am. I keep telling myself this and other positive, reassuring, and comforting words till I believe them to the point I have forgotten what his name was.

This is frustrating. This is unfair. This is unjustifiable. Yet I keep going back to the field of rose bushes to become lodged with a thorn again because this is what I think I have to go through for the future love of my life.

Well, I laugh at this demoralizing process and if things with S don’t work how I need them to. I am not going back.

Human Papillomavirus and Cervical Cancer

I was working out this AM and was watching Good Morning America. They were talking about a HPV vaccination that would be tested out on teenage girls from 16-18 to see if this vaccination would help stop certain strands of HPV from occurring. I was a little taken aback when one of the reporters indicted there was a dislike among certain people that the vaccination would give teens the ideal that they can be sexually permicious and think they are cured from a STD. I really don't understand people who oppose this vaccination because it is helping so many sexually active people. I personally think it is a misunderstanding of HPV as to why others may be against the vaccination being available widespread.

I personally was diagnosed with HPV and was able to have it detected in the early stages before it became cervical cancer. When my OB/GYN told me I had HPV I thought I had herpes which, I think, is a strand of the HPV virus. At the time the nurse told me that it is like the common cold of STD. This did not make me feel comfortable at time she told me that because I did not a lot about know what HPV was.
After she saw my expression, she explained why it was the "common cold of STD"; she stated that it is a disease that women mainly catch that is carried by men. Men are not able to get the effect of HPV but women are for a number of reasons I can't remember. The nurse also stated that if it is caught early they can track it to make sure it does not get worse. She told me that if for some reason it did get worse they would go into the vagina and do a biopsy to remove the cells but she reassured me a lot of the time is just goes away

At the time I was told this the nurse and dr. stated there was not a cure but I still needed to have safe sex but that condoms do not protect from all strands of HPV and because of that I needed to have 2 annual checkups instead of one.

Knowing that any woman is subject to having HPV denying young women, who will be come adults, from getting vaccinated is just wrong because a lot of sexually active teenage girls do not have annual women wellness exams like the should . By having this possibly done helps curb the chance that a girl 17 ends up with cervical cancer or even an older woman as well.

Any case this is my two cents on that issue.

Help instead of belittle

I was online reading a new story on yahoo.com and became fustrating with a lot of the post that were being placed on the site from the story. So I decide to respond back:

FEMA has the right to set a limit to have the people living in the cities struck by the hurricane to move out of the hotels however, if these people living in the hotels have no place to go and no funding to go anywhere else what will FEMA and the rest of the government do to assist these people with a permanent place to reside.
My suggestion is to open up a lot of the old military bases, which are not being used, place families in there. While they are there , first off it is a controlled space for policing, second it has may facilities that a hotel does not , finally it cost way less to keep people there since it is government own. There will be minor to major repairs that would need to be done but on the plus side this is a start to helping these people better themselves. While the people are on the base educated them to get a job or to go back to school to get a job they like , once they are educated give them a time line to be off of the property and on their own.
After every one of the citizens are gone or have used up their time limits the bases cane have other uses such as ,housing for other huge disasters, homeless and other charitable uses.

Another point: I am a taxpayer as well as a charity contributor and I know that it is frustrating to have people abusing the aid that is being given, yet no one has offered a concrete solution to the mass poverty in those areas.

A lot of people will suggest going out and getting a job.

Well that is a great solution with a small problem. That problem is potential employees would need to be able to work in-conjunction to having viable skills that employers want. A lot of the people down there do not have job skills that are useable or are too old and /or handicapped to work. On the other hand there are those who as I stated before are abusing the system. It is up to the government who are paying people to asses who needs the assistance from those who are abusing the aid.

Another set is like great kick them out on their worthless as*** we gave them enough aid.

Not very good because again we taxpayers will have to pick up another bill of taking care of these people who now seriously have no where to go till permanent housing is available to them. I know they were made aware of how long they were going to be allowed to live there and gave them bare minimum aid. But seriously with what they were given could they really find a place to live in another state while they were looking for work. If you have ever had to find a place to live while looking for work and still having new bills to pay along with just living? Then you know it is not as easy as people are making it seem. Yes , a person can get a job application , go on an interview, go to a housing development fill out the application but if a person does not meet the qualification or have enough money down to move ; I don’t have to answer this one for anyone the answer is a given.

My final point is that it’s frustrating to read post after post with people point fingers, being non- compassionate, and stereotyping people in the aid relief areas. Blacks are not the only people down there abusing the aid; as well they are not the only ones benefiting from the aid. It just happens that blacks are just the ones the media portrays the most because some blacks place themselves in that horrible light whereas the media looks to portray them in that light. Instead of looking at race and stereotyping people think out side of the box and help people better themselves.