Listen

Ah midway to 50 years old. It’s at this point that may attributes good or bad are set in stone and to make changes for improvement are slim to none. Many times it takes a life taking circumstance to change the good or bad attributes to improve lifestyle.

Since S and I have ended our relationship, it has been very hard to just pick up the pieces and move on. I thought I had done so with L but I have realized that with L I can have what I truly believe I deserve as a women and a person. L believes in traditional women and men roles where as I believe that these roles are unisex (with the exception to the obvious physical aspects which are not unisex). I tried to hold on to L because I just don’t want to be alone and he has some really good traits but just knowing if push comes to shove he could become abusive and demanding because of his ideas. I know I can’t settle and I won’t settle yet dating is so hard when for me it has come so easily. It is always the fight of settle or moves on to adapt or manipulate. Why do I say this? Well I just left L’s home and I was trying to convey that I don’t think I could keep fighting for him. Just maybe see that his belief in tradition is unfair to woman. To let him know, I care but to make such a sacrifice is not beneficial to both parties. As well, the only reason I am hanging on is in fear of being a lone and to see what I really am made of in my own space. Sad to know this is why I am hanging on but true. I will let him know tomorrow but tonight I was going to tell him.

Guess what happened?

L brushed off what I was going to say because he heard one word and decided I was drugging up the past. I hate being brushed off. Just because I say something that you may not like to hear in the midst of a conversation does not justify a “brush off”. I mean listen to what I have to say and then make a point. I can’t conteou to be with a person because I don’t want to be alone and I will not settle because the majority outweighs a small problem that could get worse with time. However I have learned a lesson and I have gained insight to how a woman can become drawn into an abusive relationship. Yet at the same time I could not have sympathy because the signs are there before hand. I am reading the writing on the wall and it is telling me to run and never look back.

On the other hand, I saw S at the store up the street from my apt. Well, he works there. He text msg me to let me know he saw me and to say hello. Those messages brought up so many, I thought were dead, feelings. Anycase, as the conversation carries on, I tell S that I don’t believe God told him to break up with me because God would not tell a man to leave a woman that is having issues understanding His will.
S in turn defended his stance and told me something that gave me insight hat it was not God’s choice but his.

S states that after a specific service I told him that I did not appreciate the pastor telling the church to praise God as well as that church was not a huge factor for me. I told him that I think it was the pastor creating the praise to God and not the people. I expressed to him that organized religion tells it’s members they are not praising God well enough to their standards when in turn it is not any man or woman’s to tell people how to praise God. I told S that is the issues I had with organized religion that people in leadership roles take it upon themselves to take God’s place. I told him about the scripture in Psalm (“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye lands to come into His presence with thanks giving knowing that He the Lord is God.”) S goes into that it is the responsibility of the man of God to do that for his people. I knew trying to explain my view would be against the word of God so I left it alone. Yet I had issues with him stating that church was not a part of my life.
I told him that it always was but I was going through a stage in my life that I needed to know why I believed in a religion. I mean I grew up in church and that was all I was indoctrinated with then to find out other information cause me to wonder why. On the flip side I did not go into detail because it was a text message, which is why I think I really want to talk to S again it is to get my point across to really have closure with him. On the other hand, I really want him back in my life. This was the one many, beside N, that I felt like myself with and I truly loved and that I did not need to play a role with. I knew that S was my partner not my “parent” and that we were always growing. I was valued and validated as well as supported and cherished. Even in the short time that I knew S we connected well. When I first met him it was like we were picking up from where we left off.

I just want him to see that I am progressing to become the Christian God wants me to become. That maybe God was showing S that he was to help me in my journey not shuns me away because I was not conforming. Then again maybe the break up gave me this opportunity to get over the n fear of why I believe in my faith. That I need to know for my self not force why I believe in God, I am not doing this for S but for myself. I just want him to know of my progress.

The best way to persuade is with your ears. - Dean Rusk

Another

I’ve been the other woman for a month now.
There are moments that I forget he loves her and appreciates me.
During the moments of time that I think are mine always mine
Are only to be intruded by her because she is the queen in the full house of cards.
I am the joker that is placed haphazardly in the deck
All the while I know this wrong but I am assured that it’s okay to be the other one.
I believed when he said I wish I met you sooner.
When he’s on the phone telling her his longing lover for her
When I voice a concern that I am human and I am becoming attached
That he needs to choose sides.
I’m brushed off because I am here with him more that she is
So why bitch and complain
Just wait till she decides it’s over between her and me
Wait till its over between her and me. That’s what I am supposed to do
Am I that desperate to have someone at my side?
Doing the things
I have never had inside even out side
To look in the mirror and know I am last in his mind
To look in the mirror and know I am second to another
Is this what I am the other woman to any man
When did a become so low to be the other woman to a man
Standing, facing, and calling out my concern
Fighting for what was never mine
Crying as if it was me he was cheating on
Hearing the voice inside reminding me
I’m the other women
I justify my lie
Because I am human and need what he’s offering
Becoming attached to an attached man
Is truly that bad
Telling him and lying to myself that I am the new replacement
Only to hear
I am selfish hormonal and cruel
To make him decide who he cares for more inside even outside
Being insulted with an excuse as to why he can’t hurt her inside even outside
But really hearing
I lover her
You are convenient
And I am never leaving unless she finds out and dumps my ass
Realizing that I am
Demoralizing myself because of what he does
Inside
Outside
Emotional
Financial
For me
Justifying the lie
Because no other man I have met has done the same
Creating the action to
Leave him because I know he’ll never become mine
All the while
Sitting silently as I play the other woman for a month now.

Inflammatory Breast Cancer

I was surfing the web and came across a newscast from Washington. This newscast was about IBC. What is IBC? Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
This form of cancer is a second type of cancer that is not spoken about and many times misdiagnosed as a bug bite on the breast because the symptoms are similar. I saw the newscast and thought that I should try to alert other women there about this form of cancer.

Some of the symptoms of IBC are
Enlarged breast
Rapid breast growth
Inverted nipple
The breast is hot to the touch
Constant Itching
Redness

How IBC can be detected by your doctor
MRI
Biopsy

Please click here for the newscast:
http://www.komotv.com/news/story.asp?ID=43313

I'm new to the area

I don’t understand the events that have recently occurred in my life. I could call it a sign or a warning, but at this point both of the words seemingly work.
On last Friday, I went to Wal-Mart to meet with a friend, who works at Wal-Mart, to talk. The reason for our meeting was he wanted to date again and I needed to tell him face to face that I do not want to date him. Also, I came with another intent which was to truly forgive J for his misdeed towards me. I told J I have forgiven him, yet I have not forgiven him because 1) he allows me to keep punishing him 2) I keep reliving the pain by not trusting his sincere attempt to correct the wrong he did. The reason for “re-forgiving” J was recently I learned to forgive in a new definition. The definition I acquired for forgiveness is that I need to let go and stop the unnecessary punishment of myself or the other person. After, understanding forgiveness in this manor I knew I needed to apply what I had learned on J.
Oddly, as I was walking into Wal-Mart, a seemingly nice guy smiles towards me and says hello. I respond back and keep walking into the store. While walking in the isle I “bump” into him again and he ask “Do, you know how to cook?” Ok, now I was going to respond in my usually sarcastic manor but the sincerity in his voice caused me to reply to him kindly. As I replied, “A little bit”, J walks directly in front of us. I look towards his face hoping he would say something, instead he walks off. I brushed it off because I knew he was at work and may not have the ability to stop and speak to me.
The guy who is talking to me is still yapping away about pots and food. I turn to him and say” Well, the pots and pan are in the opposite direction. Plus I am here to get a few toiletries. It was nice talking to you.” Once I said this his expression seemed like a deflated balloon but that was only for a moment until he said, “I’m new to the area, from Atlanta, and I’m tired of doing things alone. You look like a nice person and I’d like to get to know you. Why don’t you just finish your shopping, and I might run into you again at the checkout counter when you’re done.” I felt bad for being so tart towards him, but I knew I could not meet another person and end up the way I have been lately. However I was intrigued by his slight accent 1) because it’s not an Atlanta accent and 2) I like dialects( accents) .So I asked him, “ You’re not from the States originally?” He responds, “I’ve been here for over 9 years. How did you know I was not form the Sates?” I explained to him that most people from Georgia drag the middle and end of the letters in their words and his are very precise .As well, there is a bit of a British sound to his speech which concluded for me that he was not an American. He tells me, “I’m from South Africa.” I respond to him, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t loose your accent.” He laughs and I walk away.
I continue to shop and call j to see where he was so that I could talk to him. However he does not answer nor responds to my text messages. I finished my shopping and headed to self check out. Which I don’t understand how the self-checkout moves slower than the assisted check-out. I think they should get rid of those darn machines and add more cashiers and teach them to work the machines more efficiently. Okay off of that subject. while I am standing in line, unknown man sees me and we begin talking again. I think I kept talking to him because he really seems sincere and an actual down to earth person. Not the ones who say they are down to earth and they are far from easy going. As we kept talking his free spirited, charming, and friendly nature started to win me over. I think it was the fact the he used the "I’m new to the area" line caused me to become a little nicer to him which allowed me to “won” over. Some people I know what it’s like to be in new surrounding and not have any one there they know. I just could not try to become friendly to people in that situation. As, were talking he ask, “Would you like to join me for dinner somewhere?” Err… that type of question I thought only happened in movies, you know .guy just meets girl slight interest in each other. guy asks girl right at that moment to go to dinner. Anywho, I agreed to go with him (in my car and his obviously) Dinner was nice, even though they were closing in 15 min. I know this may sound cliché but we spoke as if we were old friends catching up. Now that I look back the whole time we spoke to each other it was that say cliché ‘we’ve know each other for ever’ feeling. Since then we have kept in touch often and it’s nice to have a guy that is not after one thing or his personal ambitions but I will keep a cautious eye on him.

All Grown Up?

It is really hard to admit when what a person wants is not really what they wanted. As oddly phrased as the sentence is I know what I am conveying. There is a point in life that the road which is being traveled on that is comfortable is no longer is. Now this road, that was comforting, is now foreign and new because now the traveler wants to go a new direction and the road he/she is on is not the path to get there. I mean we as people, or maybe just me, have these moments when change is unforeseen. I say unforeseen because I thought I have been making a lot of progressive change. Changes I thought were to help me become the person I thought I want to become. To realize that maybe the changes I thought I wanted I don’t. I was changing because I am getting older and the way I was living I knew I could not continuo to do going into my 30s. I suppose a pre mid life crisis but in this case I am not trying to relive some glory years that I missed but becoming a “rounded” adult. Which by the way what is really become “all grown up” about? I have not yet grasped the concept of being an adult.

This is why I started making a lot of the changes to my persona and how I reacted to the world around me. As a child all I can remember was my parents and older figures telling me,” One day child you are going to have to grow up and place childish behavior behind you.” Here I am at 24 about to become 25 in a month and I have no clue what grown up is all about. I mean I have to go to work and I have financial obligations, however I did not picture this as becoming “grown up”. Yes, at time I say and do things that would do at the age of 16. Yet, these reactions and or action part of who I am? Does this determine that I am not an adult? I mean the notion of becoming emotionally attached from stressful situation, to have finical security, to have the love of my life, to have kids, to work at a job that is my career and be happy there, have extra activities to fill my time out of work, and a crap load of friends equate to the being an adult and not a child.

I mean is this what I am supposed to live up to? These socially acceptable ideas of being an adult, I am to be educated, domesticated, loved by all, help all, become secure, and just to have the seal of adulthood approval. This is an overwhelming burden. I think this is why I am frustrated and depressed about. That I am not living up to predestined ideas that are placed before me in the “time frame” that I am supposed to.

Look at me I’m 24 and I am renting an apartment. I have one friend that I am closed to and the other friend is my sister. I work full time to hopefully support myself and go to school. This, school by the way, is killing me. I try to save. I try to keep in good health. All the while wondering, is this the adult life I am supposed to have? Now, don’t get me wrong I have had opportunities to do other things and I closed the door just now to realize that I should of could of would have. However at this point is not going to change the now. I am not the typical mold for the adult other adults before me envisioned. Living the way I am now. I am not truly happy however I don’t really know what could make me happy. On the other hand do I want to be what I’m supposed to be or opposite?

The Power of Words

Ever meet a person and they tell you all that your soul and mind needs to hear. Only to end up in bed with them (or no sex at all) and enjoying the moment. Becoming caught up in a rapture, as the song by Anita Baker goes, but we all know it is not going past the sheets. Deep down inside you know nothing is ever going to come of this encounter of words and physical being. Yet, there is a small voice deep down inside that wants you to believe that a chance may arise. Wants you to believe this person’s lines will fill the open gap of the missing part that needs a another person to fill up. This is not indicating that as a person his/ her self worth is diminished only that he/she is human. So there you are all caught up in the what if, a fantasy world I’ll call it. Daydreaming of a chance to encounter this one person again. To know why he/she just wasn’t up front from the start or was all of there lines just a hoax.

The Power of Words

I don’t understand him.
The words
The promises
All lead up to one ting
I knew it was coming
Yet, I played as if I didn’t know.
I knew I would awake and move to the door.
Only to smile and ponder on him for more days to come.
Yet, in the end I would only see him as an apparition during my sleeping moments. Those moments would awake me, unnerve my senses, cringe m y body for more.
The lines are what sticks even more.
The touch is only a fading afterthought.
The words are what sticks even more.
Dam those words.
They encapsulate and hold prisoner my mind
And part of my soul.
Words
No longer remembering the a physical person
Only the communication of one to another
Words
Strong
Elusive
Intrusive
Words
The syntax of a few undefined and define words
Leave a
Showing heart
I don’t understand him
Did he have to use
Those words
To woo me

Half

Yearn for more than just words or a simple touch
A connection that has a deeper meaning beyond today and tomorrow
A feeling that last more than 20 minutes
A nidus of emotions,
Two beings can not express
To anyone our side of their
One
Knowing a conception was not merely
Physical in senses but metaphysical
In the One
Understanding life has more to offer than now
Seizing what is unseen to become seen
While working towards a common goal
Still keeping form of individual self
Yet moiety existing with in one
Soul

I got 5 on it

How can you scream “I got 5 on it “
When you can’t even pay 5 on that credit card bill
Taking 5
On the rim
The clothes
The look
That isn’t even yours
To feed an addiction
Called spending
Yet that 5 on it
Isn’t going to wards
Retirement
That
I R A
But
No it’s
A T M
Like money
Is going to be there
Forever
Don’t you remember?
Those 40+ hours
You put in to
Get that 5
And here you are
Blowing it on
Materialistic crap
That’s doesn’t even matter
Trying to be the Jones
When the Jones
Are fictional characters
I don’t understand why there are
So many going broke to live a
Lifestyle that isn’t theirs
Cuffing themselves to a
Min payment and 30% interest
Yelling I got 5 on it
What about a financial legacy
Yell about that

Stir up

I saw an old “flame" while I was shopping this weekend and some feelings started to stirrup, but I knew I couldn’t go back to him. It's like wanting a huge chocolate chip cookie but knowing it will do bad things to my will power to stay on my eating plan is my chocolate chip cookie. I can’t have him because of the drama he brings with him but he's ooo so good.

What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.

That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.

Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.

This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?

These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.

Ultimate male experience

I'm well endowed and seeking a
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.

GIVER

I try hard to obtain what I want, yet it appears as if I am trying to hard. I don't know what it is when I try to keep people close and show that I am good person it's taken as if I am trying to breathe the same air they are. Then when I step back and give space it seems like I don't care at all. The attempt in understanding that maybe it's me and maybe it's me is hard but is not the focus of my life. I say this because kindness is not something I have to give but I do because it is who I am.

So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.

I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.

That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .

Let known

If I were to stop allowing you in
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were

Apologies...

Sorry I have not been posting as much just between work and school I really don't have a lot of time to write like I need to.Hopefully after midterms,I should have should be back to some kind of schedule?!

Take care and I hope all is well with each of you

Nyk

Morphing Love

Talk to me

Walk with me

In the journey that is call love

Many say love is an abstract notion

Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence

But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract

I know that my thoughts of you

In you

Around you and

Through you is literal

In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love

Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth

This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete

Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?

Who says I have to play the role of the woman

And you play the role of the man

Lets us work together for the greater good

The life we both want to live

Not the roles we are condemned to portray

Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us

From birth till death

Let's create a new movement with

Individualism

Creativity

Objectivity

Open communication

Understanding

And so much more

Please take each hand in an open palm

Fingers interlaced

Skin touching so tenderly

In this walk that is love

Not the new age crap that is running rampant

But an old school respect and view of love

Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love

Flare ups

Am I evil? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it is karma coming back to haunt me for all of the stupid and some times hurtful things I have done.
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.

After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.

I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?

A little more than a week later...

Just to let everyone know I am slowly getting over my rut of mixed emotions. Honestly I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but I am going to manage how I am feeing by focusing on my health. Plus I have been letting go of people, adittudes, and financial issues that I felt were a burden to my life. I guess it is just an unexplainable feeling that comes and go but I can not allow that feeling to consume me.

Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..

A Thought On Rual American Thinking

Why is that people who live in a small suburban area or parts of the country that are densely populated think that evil will never prevail them?

I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.

It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?

What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.

The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?

confuseddumfounderandotherstuff

Lately, I can not finish what I have started in my life. For example, I was so hyped to start the drastic changes I needed to make in my life. Now it's like I just don't care anymore, as if I don’t want to try to put forth an effort to do anything. As odd and crazy as that sound, the kicker here is that I don't know why. I wonder if others felt the way I do now. I mean feeling as if the true self, who you really are, is fighting to get out but only to be suppressed down each time. You can see yourself but you are not within yourself. I guess this reminds me of something an old friend of mine said when she was trying to loose weight. At the time I found the comment funny, I am now looking back at that moment and kind of understanding what truth it rings. "I am living in a body that I am not made for and she's fighting to get out of the fat." I feel that each day I live is not the life that I am supposed to be living as if everything around me is surreal. I want to get out of this rut I feel (or even if it is feel).I am trying to understand why I am in the unknown state but it's like a record with a lump in it. The record keep going around and everything seems to flow but I hit that bump and for a moment I'm wondering what’s going on. Now, some call this depression and I have been depressed before however this feeling I have is nothing like being depressed. I guess I can call it acting with a costume. I have no issues keeping up with doing for other but I am unresponsive with myself. I smile when I want to scream and I scream when I want to cry.
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how

New title of blog

I changed the name from Girliedy to Musing of Herself and the World Around Her. I think the new one somewhat captures what I'm doing here. Please give your feedback on the new change.

How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me

Blessings

Smoking is bad for our air

I was watching the new yesterday and they were reporting about second hand smoke in CA, Basically the California Air Resources Board had announced "second-hand smoke as a toxic air contaminant that can cause or contribute to illness or death".

Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?

Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?

The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.

It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.