Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes, he thought over and over as he writhed on the floor, clutching uselessly at his disabled left arm."
-Chapter 3 Section 1 of 1984
I was on line at wikipedia.com just going through the quote section and there it was my favorite quote out of the book 1984. When I first read the book (as well as the second and third time) this quote always stuck out to me. Stuck out so much that it made me laugh. Now does this mean I have a morbid sense of humor, at times, yeah. Yet, when I look over the last few months, I said over and over again that I wanted this pain to stop. To think , I call my self independent , strong will , and free spirited but pain ,like Winston holding his arm, is disabling. However it takes a lot to move from the pain or embrace the pain to allow it to transform you.
The transformation either good or bad is what the cliché saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger could originate from. I dont agree with the cliché , but I can understand the point its trying to make. Why, I dont agree with the saying is that sometimes pain doesnt bring strength sometimes it brings a new light to a person. A once happy and energetic person could become cautious and cynical, now does that equate strength. I guess it could depend on what a persons understanding of the word strength is. Thats the unpredictable thing about clichés the meanings do not transform or define all situations in the sense that stereotypes do not accurately describe people/race.
All of the pain that occurs in life , it would be wrong of me to state there has not been any positive changes or a new insight to my life. On the other hand , I needed to voice that the positive notion is not always the true notion . Not everyone is going to follow lead and grow for the best from every negative outcome, yet that is the preconceived notion thats thrown around especially in American culture. Its your right to buck up and move one to quit dwelling and move on yet no one tells people how to engage pain or educate people that pain is a natural part of life. Yes, everyone goes a painful part of life but it dose not make anyone weak instead it evokes change.
Which is why, in the face of pain there are no heroes? Keep this in mind the next time a painful situation arises that each of us are not alone in being the victim to pain however how we allow this pain to mold our life, that is a different story.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Filling Space
I will be updating my writing soon but thanks to all of you who have responded. Also, to those I have not responded, I will soon. I have been putting up quotes on my desk lately to show what I am feeling or thinking without actually saying it. I have decided to put these up in the mean time.
I have found truth that in others words your emotions are well spoken sometimes.
“Affectation of candour is common enough— one meets with it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design— to take the good of everybody's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad— belongs to you alone.”
- Elisabeth to Jane in Chapter 4 of Pride and Prejudice
Not to insult any ones intelligence but some of the words I didn’t know or remember the meaning, so I will give them to you
Affectation: noun: a. The act of taking on or displaying behavior no natural to oneself or not genuinely felt b. speech or conduct not natural to oneself
Candour: candor: noun: 2. freedom from prejudice or malice 4. Unreserved honest or sincere expression
Ostentation: noun: 1. excessive display
“You preferred to be a lunatic, a minority of one. Only the disciplined mind can see reality, Winston. You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in its own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in the mind of the party, which is collective and immortal. Whatever the party holds to be truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party. That is the fact that you have got to re-learn, Winston. It needs an act of self destruction, an effort of the will. You must humble yourself before you can become sane. “
- O’Brien to Winston in Chapter 3 Section 2 of 1984
“I think television has betrayed the meaning of democratic speech, adding visual chaos to the confusion of voices. What role does silence have in all this noise? “
- [on Television], A Fellini Lexicon, Edited by Damian Pettigrew (ABRAMS, 2003)
I have found truth that in others words your emotions are well spoken sometimes.
“Affectation of candour is common enough— one meets with it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design— to take the good of everybody's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad— belongs to you alone.”
- Elisabeth to Jane in Chapter 4 of Pride and Prejudice
Not to insult any ones intelligence but some of the words I didn’t know or remember the meaning, so I will give them to you
Affectation: noun: a. The act of taking on or displaying behavior no natural to oneself or not genuinely felt b. speech or conduct not natural to oneself
Candour: candor: noun: 2. freedom from prejudice or malice 4. Unreserved honest or sincere expression
Ostentation: noun: 1. excessive display
“You preferred to be a lunatic, a minority of one. Only the disciplined mind can see reality, Winston. You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in its own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in the mind of the party, which is collective and immortal. Whatever the party holds to be truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party. That is the fact that you have got to re-learn, Winston. It needs an act of self destruction, an effort of the will. You must humble yourself before you can become sane. “
- O’Brien to Winston in Chapter 3 Section 2 of 1984
“I think television has betrayed the meaning of democratic speech, adding visual chaos to the confusion of voices. What role does silence have in all this noise? “
- [on Television], A Fellini Lexicon, Edited by Damian Pettigrew (ABRAMS, 2003)
Monday, August 28, 2006
Doomer
Life is a test of how well I can handle the sudden ups and downs, only thing is there is no grade at the end of the test giving feedback as to how well or poorly I’ve passed. -Me
The last few months have been pretty odd, yeah; odd that’s the word I’ll use to encapsulate my feelings. My uncle died, then my best friend husband died, and now my uncle died. However each of these deaths is different, my uncle died in a freak car accident, my best friend’s husband died from jumping off of the freeway over pass while od’ing and my uncle died of AIDS. Then add on top of this my own personal issues and growth equals a possible breakdown, which really frightens me.
I will get to why this frightens me in a moment.
I’m not much of a griever but instead I will focus on many tasks to keep my mind off of the fact that a person has died or left my life. The reason being is: why focus so much on a person leaving when I could focus on moving forward with my life? Why cry and mop about over the fact that a person has left? I think the answer to that; it is pointless. I mean, really, life has a cycle and we all one day will have to play the part.
Now, do not mistake my view on grief as I am heartless and inconsiderate. I don’t want to grieve over a person who can no longer hear my words about them to them. They are dead and that is the way it is but to sit and loose my marbles over what I knew was going to happen is making matters worse.
Because of my indifferent reaction to death causes this question to arise: what if my immediate family died of a murder and I was the suspect?
I don’t mourn the way a “normal” person would in American society thus I would be guilty of the crime because I would not respond in the typical manor. Which I don’t think is justified. It’s like people want you to react and act in a manor that would be pleasing to them which will equate my “respect” to the dead. Yet, if I respond in the typical fashion then I am looked at as if I am ok.
Anywho, I am going to get off of that soap box and explain why I would be frightened of a break down.
Around the August before September 11 I had a break down. I lost my job, I was raped ,attempted raped, sexually harassed, and had to move back to my dad’s home... which going back there was not the first choice but the only choice. The whole month I started living there I was being pressured to find a job or go into the military by him. I knew I was working my ass of to change my current situation because I did not want to live back with him either ( quick rundown of history :old fashion stern short tempered yet loving father meets young recently turned adult who wanted to experience life you put the two together. Ah yes the good ol’ oil and water analogy) but I needed a place to live till I was back on my feet. One morning he told me that I had 2 weeks to find a job or off to the man’s army I go. Well that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I decided since nothing right was going in my life, I was a failure, and everything that was happening to me was my fault equated suicide. Was that the brightest idea looking back, no, but at that particular moment yes. (Sorry for giving the Reader’s Digest version of my break down but I want to make my point soon) So I made a prescription cocktail, by researching the drugs and the effect on line, once I found a combination I liked I made the cocktail and decided to” checkout” but before I collapsed I called my mentor. I told my mentor what I did, asked her to tell everyone I was sorry and passed out.
Why I say all of this is that I feel that same sort of pressure now. Whoa... I’m not going to “check out” again because I am aware of my depressive moods and I talk to people now, but knowing that I could go there is frightening. Every day I wake up I have to remind myself that I have a reason to be here and cheating out by checking out is not justified.
Yes, I was very young and never did learn how to cope with stress or really felt comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on with me. I always frowned on telling people what was wrong with me because I saw it as a weakness a form of manipulation that could be later used to hurt or confine me. (Now, don’t ask how a 16yro kid came up with this idea that formulated her early adult life but she, as in I, did.)
Ah-ha then again that could be why I’m indifferent to death because I tried to send myself on a one way ticket there and people I hadn’t talk to in ages all of a sudden cared. They wanted to tell me things that they should have said and treat me like a kid in a glass case. That’s not the point of death is to cry an mourn of the what I should of said but instead pause, remember who they
It’s frightening to know that I have to stop myself from my other self to enjoy life. This is why people wonder why I am happy most of the time it’s because if I let my self go into sadness I can’t pull myself out.
Sadness is moments that I may shed a tear ponder for a moment or three realize there is nothing I can do the change the current situation to move on to right now the new issues at hand. To live a lie in sadness only creates a madding effect of emotions non- controlled as a bottomless black pit. Clawing to free ones self to the light.
I know my message was a bit depressing but overall I am fine. I know that to I need to talk and let my feeling free. I no longer bottle up what is going on nor do I dwell in what I can not change. Yet sometimes it’s a little okay for me to have sadness but I’ll get over it in a month. Normality here I go
The last few months have been pretty odd, yeah; odd that’s the word I’ll use to encapsulate my feelings. My uncle died, then my best friend husband died, and now my uncle died. However each of these deaths is different, my uncle died in a freak car accident, my best friend’s husband died from jumping off of the freeway over pass while od’ing and my uncle died of AIDS. Then add on top of this my own personal issues and growth equals a possible breakdown, which really frightens me.
I will get to why this frightens me in a moment.
I’m not much of a griever but instead I will focus on many tasks to keep my mind off of the fact that a person has died or left my life. The reason being is: why focus so much on a person leaving when I could focus on moving forward with my life? Why cry and mop about over the fact that a person has left? I think the answer to that; it is pointless. I mean, really, life has a cycle and we all one day will have to play the part.
Now, do not mistake my view on grief as I am heartless and inconsiderate. I don’t want to grieve over a person who can no longer hear my words about them to them. They are dead and that is the way it is but to sit and loose my marbles over what I knew was going to happen is making matters worse.
Because of my indifferent reaction to death causes this question to arise: what if my immediate family died of a murder and I was the suspect?
I don’t mourn the way a “normal” person would in American society thus I would be guilty of the crime because I would not respond in the typical manor. Which I don’t think is justified. It’s like people want you to react and act in a manor that would be pleasing to them which will equate my “respect” to the dead. Yet, if I respond in the typical fashion then I am looked at as if I am ok.
Anywho, I am going to get off of that soap box and explain why I would be frightened of a break down.
Around the August before September 11 I had a break down. I lost my job, I was raped ,attempted raped, sexually harassed, and had to move back to my dad’s home... which going back there was not the first choice but the only choice. The whole month I started living there I was being pressured to find a job or go into the military by him. I knew I was working my ass of to change my current situation because I did not want to live back with him either ( quick rundown of history :old fashion stern short tempered yet loving father meets young recently turned adult who wanted to experience life you put the two together. Ah yes the good ol’ oil and water analogy) but I needed a place to live till I was back on my feet. One morning he told me that I had 2 weeks to find a job or off to the man’s army I go. Well that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I decided since nothing right was going in my life, I was a failure, and everything that was happening to me was my fault equated suicide. Was that the brightest idea looking back, no, but at that particular moment yes. (Sorry for giving the Reader’s Digest version of my break down but I want to make my point soon) So I made a prescription cocktail, by researching the drugs and the effect on line, once I found a combination I liked I made the cocktail and decided to” checkout” but before I collapsed I called my mentor. I told my mentor what I did, asked her to tell everyone I was sorry and passed out.
Why I say all of this is that I feel that same sort of pressure now. Whoa... I’m not going to “check out” again because I am aware of my depressive moods and I talk to people now, but knowing that I could go there is frightening. Every day I wake up I have to remind myself that I have a reason to be here and cheating out by checking out is not justified.
Yes, I was very young and never did learn how to cope with stress or really felt comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on with me. I always frowned on telling people what was wrong with me because I saw it as a weakness a form of manipulation that could be later used to hurt or confine me. (Now, don’t ask how a 16yro kid came up with this idea that formulated her early adult life but she, as in I, did.)
Ah-ha then again that could be why I’m indifferent to death because I tried to send myself on a one way ticket there and people I hadn’t talk to in ages all of a sudden cared. They wanted to tell me things that they should have said and treat me like a kid in a glass case. That’s not the point of death is to cry an mourn of the what I should of said but instead pause, remember who they
It’s frightening to know that I have to stop myself from my other self to enjoy life. This is why people wonder why I am happy most of the time it’s because if I let my self go into sadness I can’t pull myself out.
Sadness is moments that I may shed a tear ponder for a moment or three realize there is nothing I can do the change the current situation to move on to right now the new issues at hand. To live a lie in sadness only creates a madding effect of emotions non- controlled as a bottomless black pit. Clawing to free ones self to the light.
I know my message was a bit depressing but overall I am fine. I know that to I need to talk and let my feeling free. I no longer bottle up what is going on nor do I dwell in what I can not change. Yet sometimes it’s a little okay for me to have sadness but I’ll get over it in a month. Normality here I go
Monday, August 07, 2006
Thanks
Some you have been posting message on my site for a while and may have wondered 1) why they are not showing up and 2 ) why I have not responded.
Well , thanks to F (http://fredcharles.wordpress.com), I have found out that I have had my comment moderated. Hell, I didn't know + I did not have the comment coming to my email at all.
Honestly, I was not being rude just a ditzoid,
So now, whew, all of your messages have come to me ,at last! As well , the messages are now are showing on my webpage. Yes, yes I will respond to all the message ( Just don't expect anytime this week or next week).
Thank you so much for taking time out to read and comment on my page!!!
Special thank you (s) to F for giving me the heads up or I would have gone months more with out responding. !!!
Nykki
I'll try to be more consistent with the look of the page. I see pretty stuff and start adding it. I have a short span to keeping things it goes in this fashion: I like I play I keep I toss. Sad but me .I think I need to work my consistency, a lot of the time I'm al over the map. Eh that's a new story there me being consistent *scoffs at own suggestion* Wish me luck on that one.
The most we ask of life is to be appreciated. Then ask yourself do you appreciate yourself? Then why ask to be appreciated if you can not do that to oneself.
Well , thanks to F (http://fredcharles.wordpress.com), I have found out that I have had my comment moderated. Hell, I didn't know + I did not have the comment coming to my email at all.
Honestly, I was not being rude just a ditzoid,
So now, whew, all of your messages have come to me ,at last! As well , the messages are now are showing on my webpage. Yes, yes I will respond to all the message ( Just don't expect anytime this week or next week).
Thank you so much for taking time out to read and comment on my page!!!
Special thank you (s) to F for giving me the heads up or I would have gone months more with out responding. !!!
Nykki
I'll try to be more consistent with the look of the page. I see pretty stuff and start adding it. I have a short span to keeping things it goes in this fashion: I like I play I keep I toss. Sad but me .I think I need to work my consistency, a lot of the time I'm al over the map. Eh that's a new story there me being consistent *scoffs at own suggestion* Wish me luck on that one.
The most we ask of life is to be appreciated. Then ask yourself do you appreciate yourself? Then why ask to be appreciated if you can not do that to oneself.
Monday, July 31, 2006
You Have the Power
You have the power to set yourself free of negative
Thought patterns and behaviors. You have the power to imagine the best for yourself and your world, and then to immediately take steps in that direction.
You have the power to rise above the meaningless, petty distractions that can waste so much time and steal so much energy. You have the power to fill your moments, your life and your awareness with the things that have real and lasting meaning.
You have the power to be your best no matter what the circumstance. You have the power to move forward no matter what setbacks or obstacles may block your path.
You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how life can be. You have the power to follow and to reach the dreams of your choosing.
You have all this power because you have the choice. In each moment, you can choose independent of all other factors, what to think, what to say, and what to do and who to be.
Though it is a serious responsibility, it is also the most magnificent opportunity anyone could ever imagine. For you have the choice, and the power, to truly and to fully live.
-- Ralph Marston
I saw this poem at the end of an email I received today. At first, I overlooked it because I thought it was on of those meaningless tags that a lot of people put at the end of their emails; you know, keep smiling because there is blue skies ahead crap. However I needed some info so I pulled the email out of my garbage section and read it again, this time the poem caught my attention (I guess that is what it was supposed to do.) Then I read it three times. I really don’t know why I needed to read it three time ;but, I guess, I wanted to make sure the message it was giving was what I was understood it to be. Which coincides with situations and people that have been “popping” into my life lately that he really been testing me to stay the course with my life changes. (Maybe another time I’ll deluge but not now) Eh, I think I really needed to be reminded that I have a choice in what ever actions I take.
Thought patterns and behaviors. You have the power to imagine the best for yourself and your world, and then to immediately take steps in that direction.
You have the power to rise above the meaningless, petty distractions that can waste so much time and steal so much energy. You have the power to fill your moments, your life and your awareness with the things that have real and lasting meaning.
You have the power to be your best no matter what the circumstance. You have the power to move forward no matter what setbacks or obstacles may block your path.
You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how life can be. You have the power to follow and to reach the dreams of your choosing.
You have all this power because you have the choice. In each moment, you can choose independent of all other factors, what to think, what to say, and what to do and who to be.
Though it is a serious responsibility, it is also the most magnificent opportunity anyone could ever imagine. For you have the choice, and the power, to truly and to fully live.
-- Ralph Marston
I saw this poem at the end of an email I received today. At first, I overlooked it because I thought it was on of those meaningless tags that a lot of people put at the end of their emails; you know, keep smiling because there is blue skies ahead crap. However I needed some info so I pulled the email out of my garbage section and read it again, this time the poem caught my attention (I guess that is what it was supposed to do.) Then I read it three times. I really don’t know why I needed to read it three time ;but, I guess, I wanted to make sure the message it was giving was what I was understood it to be. Which coincides with situations and people that have been “popping” into my life lately that he really been testing me to stay the course with my life changes. (Maybe another time I’ll deluge but not now) Eh, I think I really needed to be reminded that I have a choice in what ever actions I take.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Women as friends
I've wondering why women have issues making new friends.
The last few months I have been trying to make new friends with any female.
I don’t know what it is about the inability to just walk up to a girl and say, hello.
Even if I was to tell her that her style is nice and try to engage in a conversation I am being treated as if I am a lesbian, which is not the case at all.
I just want a relationship that I see on most all female shows i.e. girlfriends or sex in the city however it's just not possible. Maybe it’s because some women don’t like other women.
Think about it when two women walk by, one say hello and the other acts as if it is beneath them to respond back.
To simply have kindness between each other even though they are not in the same "click”.
Or the confusion with my kindness as a come on. I know its ruff out thee is the world and it’s hard to trust another person but how will you know unless an effort is placed,
It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone say “You know like that is my girl from way back, someone I can really depend on”.
I am not trying to be like the others take you man and talk about you behind your back yet that seems to be the main reason why women can be friends, the misconceptions we have created about ourselves which stops us from helping each other as a collective.
The last few months I have been trying to make new friends with any female.
I don’t know what it is about the inability to just walk up to a girl and say, hello.
Even if I was to tell her that her style is nice and try to engage in a conversation I am being treated as if I am a lesbian, which is not the case at all.
I just want a relationship that I see on most all female shows i.e. girlfriends or sex in the city however it's just not possible. Maybe it’s because some women don’t like other women.
Think about it when two women walk by, one say hello and the other acts as if it is beneath them to respond back.
To simply have kindness between each other even though they are not in the same "click”.
Or the confusion with my kindness as a come on. I know its ruff out thee is the world and it’s hard to trust another person but how will you know unless an effort is placed,
It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone say “You know like that is my girl from way back, someone I can really depend on”.
I am not trying to be like the others take you man and talk about you behind your back yet that seems to be the main reason why women can be friends, the misconceptions we have created about ourselves which stops us from helping each other as a collective.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Listen
Ah midway to 50 years old. It’s at this point that may attributes good or bad are set in stone and to make changes for improvement are slim to none. Many times it takes a life taking circumstance to change the good or bad attributes to improve lifestyle.
Since S and I have ended our relationship, it has been very hard to just pick up the pieces and move on. I thought I had done so with L but I have realized that with L I can have what I truly believe I deserve as a women and a person. L believes in traditional women and men roles where as I believe that these roles are unisex (with the exception to the obvious physical aspects which are not unisex). I tried to hold on to L because I just don’t want to be alone and he has some really good traits but just knowing if push comes to shove he could become abusive and demanding because of his ideas. I know I can’t settle and I won’t settle yet dating is so hard when for me it has come so easily. It is always the fight of settle or moves on to adapt or manipulate. Why do I say this? Well I just left L’s home and I was trying to convey that I don’t think I could keep fighting for him. Just maybe see that his belief in tradition is unfair to woman. To let him know, I care but to make such a sacrifice is not beneficial to both parties. As well, the only reason I am hanging on is in fear of being a lone and to see what I really am made of in my own space. Sad to know this is why I am hanging on but true. I will let him know tomorrow but tonight I was going to tell him.
Guess what happened?
L brushed off what I was going to say because he heard one word and decided I was drugging up the past. I hate being brushed off. Just because I say something that you may not like to hear in the midst of a conversation does not justify a “brush off”. I mean listen to what I have to say and then make a point. I can’t conteou to be with a person because I don’t want to be alone and I will not settle because the majority outweighs a small problem that could get worse with time. However I have learned a lesson and I have gained insight to how a woman can become drawn into an abusive relationship. Yet at the same time I could not have sympathy because the signs are there before hand. I am reading the writing on the wall and it is telling me to run and never look back.
On the other hand, I saw S at the store up the street from my apt. Well, he works there. He text msg me to let me know he saw me and to say hello. Those messages brought up so many, I thought were dead, feelings. Anycase, as the conversation carries on, I tell S that I don’t believe God told him to break up with me because God would not tell a man to leave a woman that is having issues understanding His will.
S in turn defended his stance and told me something that gave me insight hat it was not God’s choice but his.
S states that after a specific service I told him that I did not appreciate the pastor telling the church to praise God as well as that church was not a huge factor for me. I told him that I think it was the pastor creating the praise to God and not the people. I expressed to him that organized religion tells it’s members they are not praising God well enough to their standards when in turn it is not any man or woman’s to tell people how to praise God. I told S that is the issues I had with organized religion that people in leadership roles take it upon themselves to take God’s place. I told him about the scripture in Psalm (“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye lands to come into His presence with thanks giving knowing that He the Lord is God.”) S goes into that it is the responsibility of the man of God to do that for his people. I knew trying to explain my view would be against the word of God so I left it alone. Yet I had issues with him stating that church was not a part of my life.
I told him that it always was but I was going through a stage in my life that I needed to know why I believed in a religion. I mean I grew up in church and that was all I was indoctrinated with then to find out other information cause me to wonder why. On the flip side I did not go into detail because it was a text message, which is why I think I really want to talk to S again it is to get my point across to really have closure with him. On the other hand, I really want him back in my life. This was the one many, beside N, that I felt like myself with and I truly loved and that I did not need to play a role with. I knew that S was my partner not my “parent” and that we were always growing. I was valued and validated as well as supported and cherished. Even in the short time that I knew S we connected well. When I first met him it was like we were picking up from where we left off.
I just want him to see that I am progressing to become the Christian God wants me to become. That maybe God was showing S that he was to help me in my journey not shuns me away because I was not conforming. Then again maybe the break up gave me this opportunity to get over the n fear of why I believe in my faith. That I need to know for my self not force why I believe in God, I am not doing this for S but for myself. I just want him to know of my progress.
The best way to persuade is with your ears. - Dean Rusk
Since S and I have ended our relationship, it has been very hard to just pick up the pieces and move on. I thought I had done so with L but I have realized that with L I can have what I truly believe I deserve as a women and a person. L believes in traditional women and men roles where as I believe that these roles are unisex (with the exception to the obvious physical aspects which are not unisex). I tried to hold on to L because I just don’t want to be alone and he has some really good traits but just knowing if push comes to shove he could become abusive and demanding because of his ideas. I know I can’t settle and I won’t settle yet dating is so hard when for me it has come so easily. It is always the fight of settle or moves on to adapt or manipulate. Why do I say this? Well I just left L’s home and I was trying to convey that I don’t think I could keep fighting for him. Just maybe see that his belief in tradition is unfair to woman. To let him know, I care but to make such a sacrifice is not beneficial to both parties. As well, the only reason I am hanging on is in fear of being a lone and to see what I really am made of in my own space. Sad to know this is why I am hanging on but true. I will let him know tomorrow but tonight I was going to tell him.
Guess what happened?
L brushed off what I was going to say because he heard one word and decided I was drugging up the past. I hate being brushed off. Just because I say something that you may not like to hear in the midst of a conversation does not justify a “brush off”. I mean listen to what I have to say and then make a point. I can’t conteou to be with a person because I don’t want to be alone and I will not settle because the majority outweighs a small problem that could get worse with time. However I have learned a lesson and I have gained insight to how a woman can become drawn into an abusive relationship. Yet at the same time I could not have sympathy because the signs are there before hand. I am reading the writing on the wall and it is telling me to run and never look back.
On the other hand, I saw S at the store up the street from my apt. Well, he works there. He text msg me to let me know he saw me and to say hello. Those messages brought up so many, I thought were dead, feelings. Anycase, as the conversation carries on, I tell S that I don’t believe God told him to break up with me because God would not tell a man to leave a woman that is having issues understanding His will.
S in turn defended his stance and told me something that gave me insight hat it was not God’s choice but his.
S states that after a specific service I told him that I did not appreciate the pastor telling the church to praise God as well as that church was not a huge factor for me. I told him that I think it was the pastor creating the praise to God and not the people. I expressed to him that organized religion tells it’s members they are not praising God well enough to their standards when in turn it is not any man or woman’s to tell people how to praise God. I told S that is the issues I had with organized religion that people in leadership roles take it upon themselves to take God’s place. I told him about the scripture in Psalm (“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye lands to come into His presence with thanks giving knowing that He the Lord is God.”) S goes into that it is the responsibility of the man of God to do that for his people. I knew trying to explain my view would be against the word of God so I left it alone. Yet I had issues with him stating that church was not a part of my life.
I told him that it always was but I was going through a stage in my life that I needed to know why I believed in a religion. I mean I grew up in church and that was all I was indoctrinated with then to find out other information cause me to wonder why. On the flip side I did not go into detail because it was a text message, which is why I think I really want to talk to S again it is to get my point across to really have closure with him. On the other hand, I really want him back in my life. This was the one many, beside N, that I felt like myself with and I truly loved and that I did not need to play a role with. I knew that S was my partner not my “parent” and that we were always growing. I was valued and validated as well as supported and cherished. Even in the short time that I knew S we connected well. When I first met him it was like we were picking up from where we left off.
I just want him to see that I am progressing to become the Christian God wants me to become. That maybe God was showing S that he was to help me in my journey not shuns me away because I was not conforming. Then again maybe the break up gave me this opportunity to get over the n fear of why I believe in my faith. That I need to know for my self not force why I believe in God, I am not doing this for S but for myself. I just want him to know of my progress.
The best way to persuade is with your ears. - Dean Rusk
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Another
I’ve been the other woman for a month now.
There are moments that I forget he loves her and appreciates me.
During the moments of time that I think are mine always mine
Are only to be intruded by her because she is the queen in the full house of cards.
I am the joker that is placed haphazardly in the deck
All the while I know this wrong but I am assured that it’s okay to be the other one.
I believed when he said I wish I met you sooner.
When he’s on the phone telling her his longing lover for her
When I voice a concern that I am human and I am becoming attached
That he needs to choose sides.
I’m brushed off because I am here with him more that she is
So why bitch and complain
Just wait till she decides it’s over between her and me
Wait till its over between her and me. That’s what I am supposed to do
Am I that desperate to have someone at my side?
Doing the things
I have never had inside even out side
To look in the mirror and know I am last in his mind
To look in the mirror and know I am second to another
Is this what I am the other woman to any man
When did a become so low to be the other woman to a man
Standing, facing, and calling out my concern
Fighting for what was never mine
Crying as if it was me he was cheating on
Hearing the voice inside reminding me
I’m the other women
I justify my lie
Because I am human and need what he’s offering
Becoming attached to an attached man
Is truly that bad
Telling him and lying to myself that I am the new replacement
Only to hear
I am selfish hormonal and cruel
To make him decide who he cares for more inside even outside
Being insulted with an excuse as to why he can’t hurt her inside even outside
But really hearing
I lover her
You are convenient
And I am never leaving unless she finds out and dumps my ass
Realizing that I am
Demoralizing myself because of what he does
Inside
Outside
Emotional
Financial
For me
Justifying the lie
Because no other man I have met has done the same
Creating the action to
Leave him because I know he’ll never become mine
All the while
Sitting silently as I play the other woman for a month now.
There are moments that I forget he loves her and appreciates me.
During the moments of time that I think are mine always mine
Are only to be intruded by her because she is the queen in the full house of cards.
I am the joker that is placed haphazardly in the deck
All the while I know this wrong but I am assured that it’s okay to be the other one.
I believed when he said I wish I met you sooner.
When he’s on the phone telling her his longing lover for her
When I voice a concern that I am human and I am becoming attached
That he needs to choose sides.
I’m brushed off because I am here with him more that she is
So why bitch and complain
Just wait till she decides it’s over between her and me
Wait till its over between her and me. That’s what I am supposed to do
Am I that desperate to have someone at my side?
Doing the things
I have never had inside even out side
To look in the mirror and know I am last in his mind
To look in the mirror and know I am second to another
Is this what I am the other woman to any man
When did a become so low to be the other woman to a man
Standing, facing, and calling out my concern
Fighting for what was never mine
Crying as if it was me he was cheating on
Hearing the voice inside reminding me
I’m the other women
I justify my lie
Because I am human and need what he’s offering
Becoming attached to an attached man
Is truly that bad
Telling him and lying to myself that I am the new replacement
Only to hear
I am selfish hormonal and cruel
To make him decide who he cares for more inside even outside
Being insulted with an excuse as to why he can’t hurt her inside even outside
But really hearing
I lover her
You are convenient
And I am never leaving unless she finds out and dumps my ass
Realizing that I am
Demoralizing myself because of what he does
Inside
Outside
Emotional
Financial
For me
Justifying the lie
Because no other man I have met has done the same
Creating the action to
Leave him because I know he’ll never become mine
All the while
Sitting silently as I play the other woman for a month now.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Inflammatory Breast Cancer
I was surfing the web and came across a newscast from Washington. This newscast was about IBC. What is IBC? Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
This form of cancer is a second type of cancer that is not spoken about and many times misdiagnosed as a bug bite on the breast because the symptoms are similar. I saw the newscast and thought that I should try to alert other women there about this form of cancer.
Some of the symptoms of IBC are
Enlarged breast
Rapid breast growth
Inverted nipple
The breast is hot to the touch
Constant Itching
Redness
How IBC can be detected by your doctor
MRI
Biopsy
Please click here for the newscast:
http://www.komotv.com/news/story.asp?ID=43313
This form of cancer is a second type of cancer that is not spoken about and many times misdiagnosed as a bug bite on the breast because the symptoms are similar. I saw the newscast and thought that I should try to alert other women there about this form of cancer.
Some of the symptoms of IBC are
Enlarged breast
Rapid breast growth
Inverted nipple
The breast is hot to the touch
Constant Itching
Redness
How IBC can be detected by your doctor
MRI
Biopsy
Please click here for the newscast:
http://www.komotv.com/news/story.asp?ID=43313
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I'm new to the area
I don’t understand the events that have recently occurred in my life. I could call it a sign or a warning, but at this point both of the words seemingly work.
On last Friday, I went to Wal-Mart to meet with a friend, who works at Wal-Mart, to talk. The reason for our meeting was he wanted to date again and I needed to tell him face to face that I do not want to date him. Also, I came with another intent which was to truly forgive J for his misdeed towards me. I told J I have forgiven him, yet I have not forgiven him because 1) he allows me to keep punishing him 2) I keep reliving the pain by not trusting his sincere attempt to correct the wrong he did. The reason for “re-forgiving” J was recently I learned to forgive in a new definition. The definition I acquired for forgiveness is that I need to let go and stop the unnecessary punishment of myself or the other person. After, understanding forgiveness in this manor I knew I needed to apply what I had learned on J.
Oddly, as I was walking into Wal-Mart, a seemingly nice guy smiles towards me and says hello. I respond back and keep walking into the store. While walking in the isle I “bump” into him again and he ask “Do, you know how to cook?” Ok, now I was going to respond in my usually sarcastic manor but the sincerity in his voice caused me to reply to him kindly. As I replied, “A little bit”, J walks directly in front of us. I look towards his face hoping he would say something, instead he walks off. I brushed it off because I knew he was at work and may not have the ability to stop and speak to me.
The guy who is talking to me is still yapping away about pots and food. I turn to him and say” Well, the pots and pan are in the opposite direction. Plus I am here to get a few toiletries. It was nice talking to you.” Once I said this his expression seemed like a deflated balloon but that was only for a moment until he said, “I’m new to the area, from Atlanta, and I’m tired of doing things alone. You look like a nice person and I’d like to get to know you. Why don’t you just finish your shopping, and I might run into you again at the checkout counter when you’re done.” I felt bad for being so tart towards him, but I knew I could not meet another person and end up the way I have been lately. However I was intrigued by his slight accent 1) because it’s not an Atlanta accent and 2) I like dialects( accents) .So I asked him, “ You’re not from the States originally?” He responds, “I’ve been here for over 9 years. How did you know I was not form the Sates?” I explained to him that most people from Georgia drag the middle and end of the letters in their words and his are very precise .As well, there is a bit of a British sound to his speech which concluded for me that he was not an American. He tells me, “I’m from South Africa.” I respond to him, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t loose your accent.” He laughs and I walk away.
I continue to shop and call j to see where he was so that I could talk to him. However he does not answer nor responds to my text messages. I finished my shopping and headed to self check out. Which I don’t understand how the self-checkout moves slower than the assisted check-out. I think they should get rid of those darn machines and add more cashiers and teach them to work the machines more efficiently. Okay off of that subject. while I am standing in line, unknown man sees me and we begin talking again. I think I kept talking to him because he really seems sincere and an actual down to earth person. Not the ones who say they are down to earth and they are far from easy going. As we kept talking his free spirited, charming, and friendly nature started to win me over. I think it was the fact the he used the "I’m new to the area" line caused me to become a little nicer to him which allowed me to “won” over. Some people I know what it’s like to be in new surrounding and not have any one there they know. I just could not try to become friendly to people in that situation. As, were talking he ask, “Would you like to join me for dinner somewhere?” Err… that type of question I thought only happened in movies, you know .guy just meets girl slight interest in each other. guy asks girl right at that moment to go to dinner. Anywho, I agreed to go with him (in my car and his obviously) Dinner was nice, even though they were closing in 15 min. I know this may sound cliché but we spoke as if we were old friends catching up. Now that I look back the whole time we spoke to each other it was that say cliché ‘we’ve know each other for ever’ feeling. Since then we have kept in touch often and it’s nice to have a guy that is not after one thing or his personal ambitions but I will keep a cautious eye on him.
On last Friday, I went to Wal-Mart to meet with a friend, who works at Wal-Mart, to talk. The reason for our meeting was he wanted to date again and I needed to tell him face to face that I do not want to date him. Also, I came with another intent which was to truly forgive J for his misdeed towards me. I told J I have forgiven him, yet I have not forgiven him because 1) he allows me to keep punishing him 2) I keep reliving the pain by not trusting his sincere attempt to correct the wrong he did. The reason for “re-forgiving” J was recently I learned to forgive in a new definition. The definition I acquired for forgiveness is that I need to let go and stop the unnecessary punishment of myself or the other person. After, understanding forgiveness in this manor I knew I needed to apply what I had learned on J.
Oddly, as I was walking into Wal-Mart, a seemingly nice guy smiles towards me and says hello. I respond back and keep walking into the store. While walking in the isle I “bump” into him again and he ask “Do, you know how to cook?” Ok, now I was going to respond in my usually sarcastic manor but the sincerity in his voice caused me to reply to him kindly. As I replied, “A little bit”, J walks directly in front of us. I look towards his face hoping he would say something, instead he walks off. I brushed it off because I knew he was at work and may not have the ability to stop and speak to me.
The guy who is talking to me is still yapping away about pots and food. I turn to him and say” Well, the pots and pan are in the opposite direction. Plus I am here to get a few toiletries. It was nice talking to you.” Once I said this his expression seemed like a deflated balloon but that was only for a moment until he said, “I’m new to the area, from Atlanta, and I’m tired of doing things alone. You look like a nice person and I’d like to get to know you. Why don’t you just finish your shopping, and I might run into you again at the checkout counter when you’re done.” I felt bad for being so tart towards him, but I knew I could not meet another person and end up the way I have been lately. However I was intrigued by his slight accent 1) because it’s not an Atlanta accent and 2) I like dialects( accents) .So I asked him, “ You’re not from the States originally?” He responds, “I’ve been here for over 9 years. How did you know I was not form the Sates?” I explained to him that most people from Georgia drag the middle and end of the letters in their words and his are very precise .As well, there is a bit of a British sound to his speech which concluded for me that he was not an American. He tells me, “I’m from South Africa.” I respond to him, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t loose your accent.” He laughs and I walk away.
I continue to shop and call j to see where he was so that I could talk to him. However he does not answer nor responds to my text messages. I finished my shopping and headed to self check out. Which I don’t understand how the self-checkout moves slower than the assisted check-out. I think they should get rid of those darn machines and add more cashiers and teach them to work the machines more efficiently. Okay off of that subject. while I am standing in line, unknown man sees me and we begin talking again. I think I kept talking to him because he really seems sincere and an actual down to earth person. Not the ones who say they are down to earth and they are far from easy going. As we kept talking his free spirited, charming, and friendly nature started to win me over. I think it was the fact the he used the "I’m new to the area" line caused me to become a little nicer to him which allowed me to “won” over. Some people I know what it’s like to be in new surrounding and not have any one there they know. I just could not try to become friendly to people in that situation. As, were talking he ask, “Would you like to join me for dinner somewhere?” Err… that type of question I thought only happened in movies, you know .guy just meets girl slight interest in each other. guy asks girl right at that moment to go to dinner. Anywho, I agreed to go with him (in my car and his obviously) Dinner was nice, even though they were closing in 15 min. I know this may sound cliché but we spoke as if we were old friends catching up. Now that I look back the whole time we spoke to each other it was that say cliché ‘we’ve know each other for ever’ feeling. Since then we have kept in touch often and it’s nice to have a guy that is not after one thing or his personal ambitions but I will keep a cautious eye on him.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
All Grown Up?
It is really hard to admit when what a person wants is not really what they wanted. As oddly phrased as the sentence is I know what I am conveying. There is a point in life that the road which is being traveled on that is comfortable is no longer is. Now this road, that was comforting, is now foreign and new because now the traveler wants to go a new direction and the road he/she is on is not the path to get there. I mean we as people, or maybe just me, have these moments when change is unforeseen. I say unforeseen because I thought I have been making a lot of progressive change. Changes I thought were to help me become the person I thought I want to become. To realize that maybe the changes I thought I wanted I don’t. I was changing because I am getting older and the way I was living I knew I could not continuo to do going into my 30s. I suppose a pre mid life crisis but in this case I am not trying to relive some glory years that I missed but becoming a “rounded” adult. Which by the way what is really become “all grown up” about? I have not yet grasped the concept of being an adult.
This is why I started making a lot of the changes to my persona and how I reacted to the world around me. As a child all I can remember was my parents and older figures telling me,” One day child you are going to have to grow up and place childish behavior behind you.” Here I am at 24 about to become 25 in a month and I have no clue what grown up is all about. I mean I have to go to work and I have financial obligations, however I did not picture this as becoming “grown up”. Yes, at time I say and do things that would do at the age of 16. Yet, these reactions and or action part of who I am? Does this determine that I am not an adult? I mean the notion of becoming emotionally attached from stressful situation, to have finical security, to have the love of my life, to have kids, to work at a job that is my career and be happy there, have extra activities to fill my time out of work, and a crap load of friends equate to the being an adult and not a child.
I mean is this what I am supposed to live up to? These socially acceptable ideas of being an adult, I am to be educated, domesticated, loved by all, help all, become secure, and just to have the seal of adulthood approval. This is an overwhelming burden. I think this is why I am frustrated and depressed about. That I am not living up to predestined ideas that are placed before me in the “time frame” that I am supposed to.
Look at me I’m 24 and I am renting an apartment. I have one friend that I am closed to and the other friend is my sister. I work full time to hopefully support myself and go to school. This, school by the way, is killing me. I try to save. I try to keep in good health. All the while wondering, is this the adult life I am supposed to have? Now, don’t get me wrong I have had opportunities to do other things and I closed the door just now to realize that I should of could of would have. However at this point is not going to change the now. I am not the typical mold for the adult other adults before me envisioned. Living the way I am now. I am not truly happy however I don’t really know what could make me happy. On the other hand do I want to be what I’m supposed to be or opposite?
This is why I started making a lot of the changes to my persona and how I reacted to the world around me. As a child all I can remember was my parents and older figures telling me,” One day child you are going to have to grow up and place childish behavior behind you.” Here I am at 24 about to become 25 in a month and I have no clue what grown up is all about. I mean I have to go to work and I have financial obligations, however I did not picture this as becoming “grown up”. Yes, at time I say and do things that would do at the age of 16. Yet, these reactions and or action part of who I am? Does this determine that I am not an adult? I mean the notion of becoming emotionally attached from stressful situation, to have finical security, to have the love of my life, to have kids, to work at a job that is my career and be happy there, have extra activities to fill my time out of work, and a crap load of friends equate to the being an adult and not a child.
I mean is this what I am supposed to live up to? These socially acceptable ideas of being an adult, I am to be educated, domesticated, loved by all, help all, become secure, and just to have the seal of adulthood approval. This is an overwhelming burden. I think this is why I am frustrated and depressed about. That I am not living up to predestined ideas that are placed before me in the “time frame” that I am supposed to.
Look at me I’m 24 and I am renting an apartment. I have one friend that I am closed to and the other friend is my sister. I work full time to hopefully support myself and go to school. This, school by the way, is killing me. I try to save. I try to keep in good health. All the while wondering, is this the adult life I am supposed to have? Now, don’t get me wrong I have had opportunities to do other things and I closed the door just now to realize that I should of could of would have. However at this point is not going to change the now. I am not the typical mold for the adult other adults before me envisioned. Living the way I am now. I am not truly happy however I don’t really know what could make me happy. On the other hand do I want to be what I’m supposed to be or opposite?
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
The Power of Words
Ever meet a person and they tell you all that your soul and mind needs to hear. Only to end up in bed with them (or no sex at all) and enjoying the moment. Becoming caught up in a rapture, as the song by Anita Baker goes, but we all know it is not going past the sheets. Deep down inside you know nothing is ever going to come of this encounter of words and physical being. Yet, there is a small voice deep down inside that wants you to believe that a chance may arise. Wants you to believe this person’s lines will fill the open gap of the missing part that needs a another person to fill up. This is not indicating that as a person his/ her self worth is diminished only that he/she is human. So there you are all caught up in the what if, a fantasy world I’ll call it. Daydreaming of a chance to encounter this one person again. To know why he/she just wasn’t up front from the start or was all of there lines just a hoax.
The Power of Words
I don’t understand him.
The words
The promises
All lead up to one ting
I knew it was coming
Yet, I played as if I didn’t know.
I knew I would awake and move to the door.
Only to smile and ponder on him for more days to come.
Yet, in the end I would only see him as an apparition during my sleeping moments. Those moments would awake me, unnerve my senses, cringe m y body for more.
The lines are what sticks even more.
The touch is only a fading afterthought.
The words are what sticks even more.
Dam those words.
They encapsulate and hold prisoner my mind
And part of my soul.
Words
No longer remembering the a physical person
Only the communication of one to another
Words
Strong
Elusive
Intrusive
Words
The syntax of a few undefined and define words
Leave a
Showing heart
I don’t understand him
Did he have to use
Those words
To woo me
The Power of Words
I don’t understand him.
The words
The promises
All lead up to one ting
I knew it was coming
Yet, I played as if I didn’t know.
I knew I would awake and move to the door.
Only to smile and ponder on him for more days to come.
Yet, in the end I would only see him as an apparition during my sleeping moments. Those moments would awake me, unnerve my senses, cringe m y body for more.
The lines are what sticks even more.
The touch is only a fading afterthought.
The words are what sticks even more.
Dam those words.
They encapsulate and hold prisoner my mind
And part of my soul.
Words
No longer remembering the a physical person
Only the communication of one to another
Words
Strong
Elusive
Intrusive
Words
The syntax of a few undefined and define words
Leave a
Showing heart
I don’t understand him
Did he have to use
Those words
To woo me
Half
Yearn for more than just words or a simple touch
A connection that has a deeper meaning beyond today and tomorrow
A feeling that last more than 20 minutes
A nidus of emotions,
Two beings can not express
To anyone our side of their
One
Knowing a conception was not merely
Physical in senses but metaphysical
In the One
Understanding life has more to offer than now
Seizing what is unseen to become seen
While working towards a common goal
Still keeping form of individual self
Yet moiety existing with in one
Soul
A connection that has a deeper meaning beyond today and tomorrow
A feeling that last more than 20 minutes
A nidus of emotions,
Two beings can not express
To anyone our side of their
One
Knowing a conception was not merely
Physical in senses but metaphysical
In the One
Understanding life has more to offer than now
Seizing what is unseen to become seen
While working towards a common goal
Still keeping form of individual self
Yet moiety existing with in one
Soul
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I got 5 on it
How can you scream “I got 5 on it “
When you can’t even pay 5 on that credit card bill
Taking 5
On the rim
The clothes
The look
That isn’t even yours
To feed an addiction
Called spending
Yet that 5 on it
Isn’t going to wards
Retirement
That
I R A
But
No it’s
A T M
Like money
Is going to be there
Forever
Don’t you remember?
Those 40+ hours
You put in to
Get that 5
And here you are
Blowing it on
Materialistic crap
That’s doesn’t even matter
Trying to be the Jones
When the Jones
Are fictional characters
I don’t understand why there are
So many going broke to live a
Lifestyle that isn’t theirs
Cuffing themselves to a
Min payment and 30% interest
Yelling I got 5 on it
What about a financial legacy
Yell about that
When you can’t even pay 5 on that credit card bill
Taking 5
On the rim
The clothes
The look
That isn’t even yours
To feed an addiction
Called spending
Yet that 5 on it
Isn’t going to wards
Retirement
That
I R A
But
No it’s
A T M
Like money
Is going to be there
Forever
Don’t you remember?
Those 40+ hours
You put in to
Get that 5
And here you are
Blowing it on
Materialistic crap
That’s doesn’t even matter
Trying to be the Jones
When the Jones
Are fictional characters
I don’t understand why there are
So many going broke to live a
Lifestyle that isn’t theirs
Cuffing themselves to a
Min payment and 30% interest
Yelling I got 5 on it
What about a financial legacy
Yell about that
Monday, April 17, 2006
Stir up
I saw an old “flame" while I was shopping this weekend and some feelings started to stirrup, but I knew I couldn’t go back to him. It's like wanting a huge chocolate chip cookie but knowing it will do bad things to my will power to stay on my eating plan is my chocolate chip cookie. I can’t have him because of the drama he brings with him but he's ooo so good.
What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.
That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.
Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.
This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?
These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.
What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.
That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.
Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.
This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?
These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Ultimate male experience
I'm well endowed and seeking a
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
GIVER
I try hard to obtain what I want, yet it appears as if I am trying to hard. I don't know what it is when I try to keep people close and show that I am good person it's taken as if I am trying to breathe the same air they are. Then when I step back and give space it seems like I don't care at all. The attempt in understanding that maybe it's me and maybe it's me is hard but is not the focus of my life. I say this because kindness is not something I have to give but I do because it is who I am.
So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.
I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.
That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .
So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.
I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.
That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .
Monday, April 03, 2006
Let known
If I were to stop allowing you in
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Apologies...
Sorry I have not been posting as much just between work and school I really don't have a lot of time to write like I need to.Hopefully after midterms,I should have should be back to some kind of schedule?!
Take care and I hope all is well with each of you
Nyk
Take care and I hope all is well with each of you
Nyk
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Morphing Love
Talk to me
Walk with me
In the journey that is call love
Many say love is an abstract notion
Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence
But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract
I know that my thoughts of you
In you
Around you and
Through you is literal
In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love
Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth
This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete
Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?
Who says I have to play the role of the woman
And you play the role of the man
Lets us work together for the greater good
The life we both want to live
Not the roles we are condemned to portray
Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us
From birth till death
Let's create a new movement with
Individualism
Creativity
Objectivity
Open communication
Understanding
And so much more
Please take each hand in an open palm
Fingers interlaced
Skin touching so tenderly
In this walk that is love
Not the new age crap that is running rampant
But an old school respect and view of love
Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love
Walk with me
In the journey that is call love
Many say love is an abstract notion
Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence
But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract
I know that my thoughts of you
In you
Around you and
Through you is literal
In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love
Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth
This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete
Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?
Who says I have to play the role of the woman
And you play the role of the man
Lets us work together for the greater good
The life we both want to live
Not the roles we are condemned to portray
Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us
From birth till death
Let's create a new movement with
Individualism
Creativity
Objectivity
Open communication
Understanding
And so much more
Please take each hand in an open palm
Fingers interlaced
Skin touching so tenderly
In this walk that is love
Not the new age crap that is running rampant
But an old school respect and view of love
Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love
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