It's Cold

I’m being told that changes do happen over night. This is in complete conflict with what I think change is about. I’ve always liked the old saying, “changes doesn't happen overnight”. I mean it doesn’t because changes does take time. Even if I were to change over night I still have to remind myself daily until it becomes part of my habit that I have changed. To believe that change happens instantly is hurtful and unrealistic. To expect a person who has been hurting or living in fear for a long period of time to snap out of it is like having the flu and the body is just supposed to go back to normal with out being nursed to health. This is my view on change. It’s like a chemotherapy to a cancer patent it eats away at the cancer till it is in remission or gone. The chemo treatment takes time and has side effects just like change, meaning that every once in a while I will slip and fall but that doesn’t mean that I am not a changed person. Most men that I talk to treat me as if I will never open up , that I will never change from the fear and mistrust in my voice but this is not I am implying. I am saying give me the time to make the small step of change into the bigger picture of my life. And, yes, everything that he would ask for may come.
The emotional, physical, and psychological parts of change, I guess, are harder for me. Why?! I am fearful of being hurt again by completely opening up and trusting someone. To release that much of my self control to another person is like putting me into a coffin and giving me 30 minutes of air. I am going to panic. I have always been in “control” of myself. I have always been the one to pick up for others, to be the support system, to basically be a parent. Don’t get me wrong I had a childhood but I was always too mature for my own age. In relationships, it’s the same way I open up to my mate like a mother seeing her child for the fist time. All the fears the hopes and dreams of this child are fresh. But when stepping into a relationship time after time with this same mentality it has started to create scars. Because the child that I envisioned so perfectly has started to grow up and is causing serious damage.When I keep giving birth to a demon child I started to wonder is it me and I should just quit breeding. The small amount of hope in me still want to see the good in people and believe them at face value. But I am asking myself at what cost. It’s not like I don’t trust anyone I am very cautious to let go of my control.
A funny analogy came in my head when I wrote that.
Remember when you were a kid and you were going to the pool for a swim because it was hot outside. I know I'm going off topic, but it will circle around go with me okay. Its hella hot out side and you want to cool off by going in the pool because you know the water is cold. But what is the first thing you do when you’re at the pool? Put you foot in to see how cold the pool is. Well obviously you know the pool is cold but you want to see how cold before jumping in. You put your foot in and retract it so quickly because it is really cold. So instead of jumping in and getting it over with, you slowly torture your self by putting each body part in slowly until you’re completely in. Now there were other kids that did the same test but instead of slowly getting in the water those kids jumped in the pool and screamed bloody hell for the pool being so cold. I feel like that at this moment with C. I wan to just jump in but the reaction my body will take to the cold is something I don’t want to deal with. However, has C done anything for me to subject him to my “wall”? At this moment, yes, because I will not let go of the 2 P’s and an E (see first sentence of the previous section). They have protected me from being hurt but have stopped me from caring and being cared for. Yes, I am angry right now as well as frustrated and hopeless (in the sense of find the right person). I am still dealing with one issue of my past at a time plus I really don’t want to go out in the pool. Being selfish is my mind frame right now and is that fair not really but I want to .Then I met C. He is showing me the living in my moment is not helping me and is causing me to loose good people. Honestly I hear what he is saying but I’m stubborn. I know he has better intentions than men twice his age. Yet, I want to run him through the list of flaws from my past to make sure, actually triple sure that before I let him in he won’t take me down that path again. Through out the short time I’ve know him he’s been constant with his words by supporting them with his actions. The other factor is he is 18. What the hell! I would never have any feeling for a guy younger than I then again here I am wondering could I give this kid a chance. I guess blessing don’t come in the packing you want them to. Over all C is a good guy (well except the being 18 and living @ home part) and is enjoyable to be around. However he just wants me to snap out of all the pain I’ve had and just jump blindly into his life because he tells me what I’ve waited to hear for a long time. Okay besides the fact that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is just starting out in his life, which drives me crazy. I know I can’t fault him for being young because I was once living at home going to school and working a remedial job. Yet at my age I need the stability of a man that has similar to what I have plus I need him to have some life experiences behind him. On the other hand his refreshing views on life and his coping style along with the way he communicates seems to overshadow my doubts. I want to give him a chance to go out and try again. Maybe this time might it could be really okay.