Am I really over this

Every time I hear the song “Because of You” by Kelly Clarkson, I become relationship introspective. I think of all of the relationship with the ups and downs in my life. As each word is melodically sung, the lyrics ring so true about how cautious I have been in opening myself up in love. I’ve become a cynic better translation I’ve become a fearful cynic(oxymoron I know).Instead of being hopeful, I look for the dark rainstorm to appear over my head because I believe if I open up I will end up hurting. In the lyrics, Kelly sings" I play on the safe side because I don’t want to be hurt" but I look on the other side of the street and wonder can I ever become willing again to give love a second chance . Sometimes I don’t want to, because seeing my expectations and the effort I put into love fall through is so painful I’d rather hide and pretend love isn’t there. I know in time I move on and forget but when the hurt comes back all the past is drugged up with it, which caused the healing to take so long because with each painful blow is look back and think what did I do, or could of done, or simply why. The logical part of me wonders, is it truly fair to the next person to be held captive by the past pain that I have endured as well as put myself through. I battle with the logic because to know me is to know my struggle yet to deal with my struggle is a different story.
We love but do we really want to deal with the baggage that love can and may come with…
The need to write came from listening to the song but also a lot of the insecurities were drugged up because of some recent yet old feeling that I have yet to understand. A few days earlier, I get a text from someone I cut out of my inner circle asking me how I was doing. Now, most people would ignore the message and self reflect but I think God is an awesome comedian, I call the number to confirm who I thought it was and it was. So we have a basic conversation and then go our separate ways, then later on I get the "I missed you" message. I didn’t respond quickly because I didn’t know what to say.
I mean I missed the person too but I also came to the conclusion that we just weren’t meant to be and nothing is going to change without consistent character changes to suggest the idea of giving it a second go round. Now ask if you may 1) why call and 2) why hold a conversation. Well I feel that when people know they have done wrong and want to clear their mind, why not let them. It’s not like the person is going to be in my life the way they were and sometimes people do want to be heard out and clear their conscious, so I humor the person. I know that sooner or later the person will leave again and I won’t care either way ( as well I’ll have closure)but at least that person in their mind feels better about getting the “forgiveness” their mind so aches for( I have closure). In this instance, I got no closure and no apology so it throws my theory out the window and I am pinning to figure out what does this all mean and why, so that I can really move on.
Back to the "I miss you message". I told him that’s nice and I’ve missed him too but I would prefer if we are friends and omit the intimacy out of the relationship because it’s a lot for me to handle at this point(I didn’t tell him this : but nor do I want to feel like I did no more that 2 months ago). Since then I haven’t heard anything back and it’s not okay. I want to yell at him, “You come back after months of being gone, ignoring me when I want to make amends, then you act concern, tell me you miss me and because I don’t fawn over you momentary lapse of emotional concern, you… fucking disappear again. I need you to grow up emotionally and express to me how you feel instead of sulking because it didn’t go your way. I can’t understand or have empathy if you can convey your feelings/emotions not some kind of words. See this is why I cut you out of my life why I said let’s be friends cause of your reaction just like this and every time my words don’t go the way you planned them in your head.”
The cynic in me is like there has to be more of a reason than you miss and were thinking about me, there really has to be more than that. It is just hard for me to believe that after all this time those were the basic reasons for your reaching out to me. He tells me that I don’t understand him, but I do, on the other hand I don’t think he understands me. I know he wants the freedom of being single yet have a liberties of a relationship however to have the liberties you must first pay due. He wants to be free but yet can’t do the little things like call consistent and frequently enough to eliminate concerns and insecurities. See cause I am willing to let you do want you want but you have to give into the girlie aspect of the relationship and I think that is a hard concept for him to pick up .
On the other side of the coin, I felt bad but I wanted to be honest. I wanted him to know ahead of time we are not going down that road no matter how nice it sounds in theory it’s not happening in reality because I feel communicative and emotional wise he nor I are ready. Plus I don’t want to go through the training for him to be a better person for someone else.
Back to helping him become a better man. The truth of matter is if am going to go through the trial, the lesson, the fighting, and all the other crap that comes along with making a him a better man for him to leave me, get into a new relationship, and then realize I was right but be the perfect man for another woman is a slap in the face and causes the “Fuck no” response. As selfish as that is I want to put that effort into someone I know will be there for him and me to prosper. I want to go back to the way I felt on Monday as if he didn’t exist so that I can no longer give him the emotional control he partially has on me. I was almost there but just when I get to the point I’ve moved on he pops up and makes me question me and everything about my “strength”. Any suggestions would be great.