Wondering

Are there ever enough experiences in life that you want to just move on from?
Yes, everyday I breathe I just want to get to the point in my life that all this transitional shifting makes sense.
All the non sense, the self analysis, the purging, the happiness and pain could show some sort of true contentment.
I guess being in the middle of the storm I really can’t see the change I yearn for so desperately.
I think I am changing but then I see some of the same habits come back to light.
Its big mass of mess and I don’t really see why I am doing this.
I feel like I need to so I can become the person I think I am supposed to be.
But right now, is this all possible.
I dream of a new life and change
Yet will this come when I move
Or
Will I sill be me even after leaving what I have become accustomed to?
Sure I want companionship preferable marriage but the fish out there seem to be contaminated on purpose and the manufacture failed to tell me I was being poisoned.
This reminds me of a class on interpersonal relationship
There is a dot on your head and you attract the people to this dot
If you want to change the people that are attracted to this dot change you
I was floored when I heard this from the teacher and thought it was a wonderful idea until
I decided to change.
There is no road map, no guide, and no help when you want to change
Yes, I know self help book, groups, therapy, and ect
but this can not put the
ah ha
I don’t want to change
I see no need to change
I am content where I am
I don’t like it
but I (right now) don't want to push myself and see what is
beyond here and now
to actually be accountable for me
to just skate by is okay.
I am become stagnant
this has drained my zest to
have more
be more
and fulfill my true potential
*laughs*
I needed to write that
to see the "crash diet" I’ve put myself on
I need to take the time to divide up my life and
make a life change inside first then everything on the outside will come.
I say this now but watch I'll be back with a new rendition of this song. Whoa I need to be a little more positive here. I might really change. There that looks better
I will always be unhappy till I say
enough
I’m done with this
I am focused on changing
because i am no longer happy in this stage
And pick up me, dust me off, and progress
Until then I will be who I am and right now I am fairly ok.

Hug

Pull
Withdrawn
Comforting
Safety
Security
No not this time won’t be pulled in
Resist the urge to fall to completely
release the Fear
the Unknown
The Time and energy
of this Touch
Strength
Sincerity
Desire
In a simple hug.

I sat down and tried to type out in a poem conveying how I feel but it was hard.

This all started a week and a day ago. I met an acquaintance while at the gym. We both went to the same JC and occasionally worked out at the same 24 but the difference now versus then was me. About 3 years ago, I was working out he approaches me and ask if I wanted to have fun in the sauna. Okay, so I went bi*** mode and told him a piece of my mind. After that point, I'd see him around but never spoke. If you've been where I have then you know the wanting party still speaks. Not necessarily verbally but visually. Either way I didn't care, till a week and a day ago.
I was sitting in the sauna and he walked in and sat down. Now, when I am sweating my life away I really prefer not to have a conversation because the sauna is my dead to the world time, which is why I bring my Ipod.

Ipod's, off subject, are the greatest people distraction ever. Don’t want to be bothered put the Ipod on and you're completely alone in a busy world.

I don’t know what happened to me that day. I was nice, goodness, nice. I say this because I've been down right mean to people. I'm mad at the relationships I've been in. I'm mad that bull keeps happening. I'm mad because people can be sh** and have the idea that I have to accept them for who they are. Well no actually I don’t. So to eliminate the dealing with the mass public I keep to my self and those who I like. But that day his smile was childlike trusting and his genuine concern for what I had been doing sine he left SCC was refreshing. So I instead of speaking to him in oh , unhumm , and yeah's I took off my head set and spoke. Trivial conversation we had. Nothing in depth , this was fine with me. As the conversation started to slow down I decided to leave. I was in the sauna longer than what I allowed myself and my hair was not a happy camper . I change into drier clothes to go home. As I am walking out towards my car, I hear, " Hey, you're walking a bit fast." I recognized the voice , turned around and told him, " Maybe you're walking too slow. I didn't think I needed to wait on you." I turned around and reached for my car door. Ironically he was parked right in front of me. I knew what was coming next, I actually loathe it. But I decided since I was nice before I'll be a flirty girl and play this game he has up his sleeve.
Him: So where are you going
Me : Not where you're going
Him: Stop being apprehensive, if I was going to do something it would all be on tape
Me: that doesn’t stop dumb a***s any other time .
Him: look , my name is K, I just want to see what you are all about. Talk away from here you’re beautiful
Me: I know your name. Thank you though. I'll stick with cute. Sure.. Life is full of moments pending from death. I'll follow you and see what your conversation is about. I just want friends so don’t get your hopes up.
Him: Aww.. I can cope with being you're friend but I'm forewarning you. You're going to make it hard for me to behave. You have this touch me look.
Me: o wow the lines are good. Why don’t you find my unattractive feature focus on that and just be my friend. Ever think of that.
Him: why would I do that
Me: because one day you will
Him: no. just follow ok.

We drive for about 10 min and meet at this park. He gets out so do I . We talk more. He ask why I don’t want more from him and asked if I call my family and gave them the run down on him. I explain I leave in 2.5 months that I don’t want to deal with the drama of a relationship, my current mental mood, and that I don’t want to have sex. (All which are male driven deterrents till my slowly stable life comes to be) I told home yes I called my mom and sis and gave a run down of the brief history I knew. He gives me the typical , " O I understand and I totally want to be your friend . I will respect your boundaries and move at "our" pace." As we're talking he ask mid sentence for a hug. Now mind you I'm sweaty from the gym . I just wanted to go home shower relax with my cat and drift into sleep. .. I tell him no, well for the obvious , and that I knew hugs as simple as they are can be springboards for more. After a few back and forth , I gave in.
I though it was going to a short hug and we'd go back to talking but no it was a very long hug. As if he was inspecting my shape engulfing my mind, searching for who I really am. I will admit the first couple of seconds I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want this . I could feel the femine side come out. I wanted to be there forever I wanted to tell him what ever he wanted from me was a yes but I knew he wanted more. The more I couldn’t give him nor would I want to give, realistically. I would pull away and he sense my tension and he pulled closer. I would stiffen he would cup the under of my back, like holding a small child from danger. Started to feel my self fold into him slowly start to let go begin to reciprocate the touch his body mold my body to his but then he spoke in two ways. He said, " You don’t know what I would do to you " and his body responded in that same manor. I pulled out and told him I think we should go . Being the typical male in my life and the response I'm growing weary of," look what you've done to me. I'm so hard let me relieve this pressure." I told him he was on his own but if he needed an audience sure I'll stick around.
I was screaming in my head, "SH**. I knew this would happen. I knew that is what he is all about. Figures that he come off as potential and this crap happens again. SH**. SH**. SH**. I just cant find a decent guy who will remain decent enough not to have the first thing on his mind is sex from anything physical from me. What the fu** is wrong with me now?!!"
He relives his self apologizes and ask for my number to call in the future. At this point, I don’t care again. I'm empty and pissed. I give him the number, I know he wont call, and drive away.

It's been a week and a day. He hasn’t called and I'm glad but I miss his hug. Not him the moment in time before he spoke. That split second I almost fell for him. This is what I am feigning for to see him for . After that I could care less what happens because I don’t trust him and I know he is going to be like all of the bad men I've purged out of my life, sex addicts.

Wishful Thinking

Can I come to peace with the piece of my life?
Is this meant to be a storm that I can never get a hold of?
To use the words be strong have faith because change is going to come
Come how
Come when
Come to who
Seriously I'm supposed to believe in the impossible implementation of
What could happen with no physical proof of this happening
To me
Personally
Life has ups and downs
Yes I’m the first to hold this true
However
The vague unresponsive dead weight of
Positive words seem to kill me each time it’s spoken
Seriously I’m supposed to believe in the possible
With a set of words that linger in the air like promises of 40 acres and mule
Drowning in the hope that change is going to come
What about the words change will not come
Charge down the hope
Beeline towards the truth in tomorrows another day and shit will still follow.
Don’t give me the work of telling myself its okay
It’s alright
That life will be okay in spite of
The light at the end of the tunnel speech ]
Hum bullshit
Just tell me there’s no hope no chance no will
Maybe
I might see the light you speak of

Random Love

Love is a change of emotions
Like the weather either you bear the storm
Or move on to a better place
Either you choose this person first or make him or her last
In the back of your mind this choice is the defining moment in your
Life work of love
because you can loose or win but only you are the one to blame for the final outcome
Many say there are numerous fish in the sea but how many of those fish will attach themselves to your bait
The choice is bear the storm or move on
yet
Love is a change of perception
Like becoming a child to an adult either you become stagnant in thoughts
Or become open minded to new thinking
Accept the truth you can either stay or leave
The choice you make defines
who you truly are
What you truly want

Self-Transformation

“Most people who decide to change something about themselves leap headlong into action.” Oprah magazine V.8 p.57 2007

I was reading O magazine a few weeks ago. In her January 2007 edition, the main focus was “Be The Woman You Want to Be: Why it’s so Hard to Change Yourself a Revolutionary Guide to Making it Happen”. Ok, honestly I looked at the cover and was skeptical, but, at the same time I wanted to change. I’ve been talking about change like a new man crush that I was too afraid to approach (unless I was drunk but that’s a different story). I would write about the small changes and the backsliding to old habits. I would promise that this time, like all other times, that the changes I wanted to make would stick, yet the whole time I was looking in the mirror with covered eyes. I would peak through my fingers and see the hideousness of my ways but cover my eyes again , shaking my head , saying that it’s okay this time because it’s for the last time. I know that feeding into my old ways is only fueling the fire and I’ll never change unless I stop all together.

Funny, but, to change is to stop one habit and start another.

So, I’m reading the magazine and get to a page titled “O, Something to Think About “. On the page there were four questions to begin, as the reader, my self transformation. Again, skepticism a foot. How can four questions determine the jump start to my transformation? Now, skeptism always hinders me for getting the full benefit of the message because I have predestined views in mind. So I closed the magazine and called it a bunch of bull shit that Oprah is trying to force down my throat (mind you I bought the magazine to help myself ha-ha) I let the magazine sit on my desk for a two weeks. Midway through the second week, I put my history textbook over the cover because I was tired of seeing the nagging orange letters reminding me to be the woman I’ve always wanted as well as those 4 questions. I’m not really ready to commit to the changes I wanted to make. I want to change but committing to the change is the issue. This conclusion was after I picked up the magazine today and read the first two questions:

1a. Do I know why I want to make this change? ____________
1b. Have I assembled all the instructions, equipment, and advisers that this shift will require? ___________________________________

2. You should be able to answer “yes” to both questions before you commit to a transition. Can you explain the reason for the change and list the places you can turn to for help? _________________________________________________________________


Well, doh, I know why I want to make this change. I want to have a happier, spiritual, consistent, healthier, and stronger life for myself. I need to wake up every morning and sleep every night happy with me by not caring what any one thinks, living for myself, doing what makes me happy , standing up for myself and being okay with doing that, controlling my stronger emotions( anger , sadness, disappointment, and fear ) , communicating better, and living with God first before a husband. Now have I done part b of question one? Nope. There are ideas of what to do but I don’t know how to take them and create a plan with all of the aspect of the question.


** I’ll continue with an update as I progress on and answer the other four questions when I get there. ….


Ooo.. This is my 102 post here on blogger and I've been on for almost a year! I think yeaaaa for me... : )

It's Cold

I’m being told that changes do happen over night. This is in complete conflict with what I think change is about. I’ve always liked the old saying, “changes doesn't happen overnight”. I mean it doesn’t because changes does take time. Even if I were to change over night I still have to remind myself daily until it becomes part of my habit that I have changed. To believe that change happens instantly is hurtful and unrealistic. To expect a person who has been hurting or living in fear for a long period of time to snap out of it is like having the flu and the body is just supposed to go back to normal with out being nursed to health. This is my view on change. It’s like a chemotherapy to a cancer patent it eats away at the cancer till it is in remission or gone. The chemo treatment takes time and has side effects just like change, meaning that every once in a while I will slip and fall but that doesn’t mean that I am not a changed person. Most men that I talk to treat me as if I will never open up , that I will never change from the fear and mistrust in my voice but this is not I am implying. I am saying give me the time to make the small step of change into the bigger picture of my life. And, yes, everything that he would ask for may come.
The emotional, physical, and psychological parts of change, I guess, are harder for me. Why?! I am fearful of being hurt again by completely opening up and trusting someone. To release that much of my self control to another person is like putting me into a coffin and giving me 30 minutes of air. I am going to panic. I have always been in “control” of myself. I have always been the one to pick up for others, to be the support system, to basically be a parent. Don’t get me wrong I had a childhood but I was always too mature for my own age. In relationships, it’s the same way I open up to my mate like a mother seeing her child for the fist time. All the fears the hopes and dreams of this child are fresh. But when stepping into a relationship time after time with this same mentality it has started to create scars. Because the child that I envisioned so perfectly has started to grow up and is causing serious damage.When I keep giving birth to a demon child I started to wonder is it me and I should just quit breeding. The small amount of hope in me still want to see the good in people and believe them at face value. But I am asking myself at what cost. It’s not like I don’t trust anyone I am very cautious to let go of my control.
A funny analogy came in my head when I wrote that.
Remember when you were a kid and you were going to the pool for a swim because it was hot outside. I know I'm going off topic, but it will circle around go with me okay. Its hella hot out side and you want to cool off by going in the pool because you know the water is cold. But what is the first thing you do when you’re at the pool? Put you foot in to see how cold the pool is. Well obviously you know the pool is cold but you want to see how cold before jumping in. You put your foot in and retract it so quickly because it is really cold. So instead of jumping in and getting it over with, you slowly torture your self by putting each body part in slowly until you’re completely in. Now there were other kids that did the same test but instead of slowly getting in the water those kids jumped in the pool and screamed bloody hell for the pool being so cold. I feel like that at this moment with C. I wan to just jump in but the reaction my body will take to the cold is something I don’t want to deal with. However, has C done anything for me to subject him to my “wall”? At this moment, yes, because I will not let go of the 2 P’s and an E (see first sentence of the previous section). They have protected me from being hurt but have stopped me from caring and being cared for. Yes, I am angry right now as well as frustrated and hopeless (in the sense of find the right person). I am still dealing with one issue of my past at a time plus I really don’t want to go out in the pool. Being selfish is my mind frame right now and is that fair not really but I want to .Then I met C. He is showing me the living in my moment is not helping me and is causing me to loose good people. Honestly I hear what he is saying but I’m stubborn. I know he has better intentions than men twice his age. Yet, I want to run him through the list of flaws from my past to make sure, actually triple sure that before I let him in he won’t take me down that path again. Through out the short time I’ve know him he’s been constant with his words by supporting them with his actions. The other factor is he is 18. What the hell! I would never have any feeling for a guy younger than I then again here I am wondering could I give this kid a chance. I guess blessing don’t come in the packing you want them to. Over all C is a good guy (well except the being 18 and living @ home part) and is enjoyable to be around. However he just wants me to snap out of all the pain I’ve had and just jump blindly into his life because he tells me what I’ve waited to hear for a long time. Okay besides the fact that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is just starting out in his life, which drives me crazy. I know I can’t fault him for being young because I was once living at home going to school and working a remedial job. Yet at my age I need the stability of a man that has similar to what I have plus I need him to have some life experiences behind him. On the other hand his refreshing views on life and his coping style along with the way he communicates seems to overshadow my doubts. I want to give him a chance to go out and try again. Maybe this time might it could be really okay.

Up

Can you man up
Not in the stereotypical sense
Meaning man up of your time not your money
To protect me as if I were gold not gold plated nickel
Making sure I follow Him before following my feelings towards you
Can you man up
Not protecting me like property you own
But as a 401k that you’re investing each pay period into
To watch the investment grow and retire when the time is right
See sexual healing is nice
Buying me this and that is fine
Telling me all the words I want to hear is sufficient
But to understand, respect, and support
My values
My time
My dreams
My mind
To know that God comes first then you and I
To expand
Our mind
Our bodies
Our dreams
By showing you sincerely care like
A brother to a sister
A father to a daughter
A man to a woman
See there is more to a connection than saying
Baby I will always be there
Promising me complete pleasure with your sexual healing
Acquiring what the world determines as success and wealth
Understand that
Placing honesty above your personal feeling
By following through on your word
Not hiding behind the fact that because you’re a man
you can not communicate your thought or emotions
because "maning up" means to see out side of the box you’re so accustomed to
and know there is more to a relationship than how you relate.

Do you like me ? Do I like you?

Ah parties. As fun as they can be once you sober up the mind starts reveling what you've done. Case and point. This past Saturday I went with a few co-workers to a Christmas party one of our sales reps were having in the bay. Lots of liquor was served and we were really wasted. Okay all but two of my co-workers were wasted, the driver and another girl. The remaining 4 of us were goners. I bring this up because my supervisor, who by the way so cute, was hitting on me. Now, I think he is an attractive man but I'm not interested in him. I mean we work together and I don’t really know him well enough to be infatuated to the point of dating. Plus, I have issues I need to work through before dating.
Anycase.
As the night got later he made a comment that threw me off guard. He stated that he like the way I was wearing the dress I had on as I was getting him another beer. Then when I came back he stated that I treat him so well. Then the rest of the night it was baby this and baby that. As we were leaving I used him as support. Ok I know another drunk asking another drunk for help, eh but understand I was in4.5"heels and a dress and walking on my on would of been disastrous. So I asked my sup for help.

Ok let me stop to analyze this and say I was not sexually harassed. I know all about that from personal experience believe me that one I’m not doing again. Listen if the advances are unwanted and you say stop that is harassment. This dear was in a way wanted. We make sexual jokes a lot at work (the two of us) so maybe that is why he wanted to be close. Then again, I wanted him to be closer to me which is why I asked him for help. My devious drunk mind now has me wishing this didn’t happen.

So we walk to the car and he is totally sweet. Asking if I'm okay and if I had a good time. I get in the car and fall out. He grasps my arm and starts touching it. Ok you ask how this is possible. I am in the front seat and he is directly behind me. I lay on the arm rest he grabs my arm. I return the favor because okay 5 months of not being really touched I didn’t want it to stop. So we stop for a bathroom break. My support gets out and helps me to the bathroom. Now his arms are around me and still gently touching me. We go do the bathroom thing and as we walk back to the car, I tell him that our relationship goes back to normal on Monday. He states, whatever you want I'm fine. I’m now in the back seat and he is spread out on the seat next to me. To be nice, yes nice, I move over to give him my shoulder because he had to drive two other wasted people home and needed the time to sleep the liquor off. He then kisses my arm and wraps the other around my leg touches me in that same sensual way. Okay I am a leg, back face neck, and one other area for arousal girl. Now here I am in the back seat fighting being aroused and moving my hand in the same sensual movement up his inner thigh (ok not all the way up there). I kissed his hair once in a while. When it was time for me get out of the truck he pulled me a little closer and moaned no. Ok that’s the night.

However I see him every workday and it bugs the crap out of me because I don’t know his mind set. I think he's still cute and I just don’t want anything physical. He just got out of a relationship and I have this feeling that he is just in a physical state. Then on the other hand I just want to pretend it didn’t happen because not to much did happen between us. It was two drink people feeling the each other why should I make more out of nothing. Then again the saying goes the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Yet it was nothing and I am making it something because I am concerned about out past conversation. As I said before we joke a lot sexually so, I’m concerned that since the other co-worker ,that was sober, had made a comment to other co-workers about out "moment" in jest this could create problems in the work area to more sensitive people we work with. So here is my dilemma leave it alone and pretend I'm okay or pull him to the side to talk about the "moment" to make sure our work relationship is ok. Plus to make sure our joking in limited to between each other when there is not a lot of people near by. Ahhhh.

I had a feeling this would happen
When he kept looking at me
I knew he was looking at me
Those stolen looks when no one would pay attention
The gentle attraction between the eyes
But before we became lost in our eyes
I would look and laugh my head away
He peered from amongst the crowd to
Steal another second of my eyes
I felt his presence even when I could not
See his eyes
I knew I needed to feed my own attraction
I would come closer to feel his presence and move away
This was the game we played till it came too close
Like a hand to a flame our game would soon end
I had a feeling this would happen
But I lied and told myself I could control the
Attraction by playing a flirtatious game
Laugh and look away
But the solitary moment when
The words
The touch
The look in his eyes
For more
Caused me to
No longer play a flirt to this game
Falling in
Deeply in
I knew it was mutual but was is withstanding
This solitary moment.
See moments in solitary causes
The open moments to be different
Now
I wake to see
The real world
With those same eyes
Strong with attraction
Have calmed down
No flirtatious game
No laughing and turning away
Just
Us
Needing to work together

Who's to blame

I want to scream fu** you and your problems. You have this inability to see good when you have it and to deal with your need to come back to me when its all over and want try again. Thinking I am the same person you screwed with the first time and because I was gracious enough to forgive you twice. You, Mr. think I was the same person, well I’m not. See this is the issue when you’ve decided to change and think I am still waiting. Well, I’ve changed or so I think I have. I’m tired of being the good, patient, understanding, pleading person you knew you wanted. I was that person who sat and cared when no one else would. No, I’m not tooting my own horn I am admitting facts. Yes, I will admit I have issue, fuck it I’m human. I am the first to tell anyone that I have a good and a bad side pick a day and I’ll give you one and/or both but I am not a bull shitter. I am strait from the hip. I am pushy and I will communicate the stuff you do want to talk about. Then again why call yourself an adult and you, sir, can’t even man up to communicate to me. Yeah, I hear the voices saying maybe it me. Maybe I need to change and once I change all the crap I’m dealing with will go away. Wait while I scoff for a few seconds…. I want to agree with that psychological crap but sometimes there is an exception to the rule. I tell you I am the fing exception.
It’s like I have a banner for all the decent men who want to try being dogs to stop by and wipe their dirty feet on me. Then realize after their done o shit she was a good person let me go back and make amends to clear my mind. I could analyze this place the blame on me because that is what I would do with the maybe it's me crap but I’m not anymore because I know it’s not me. I don’t ask for much and I don’t take much. My thing is compromise and communicate because I can’t stop you from what you think you want to do. I always say if you don’t talk to me I don’t know how to help you and if you say nothing it causes bigger problems. You have issues so do I so let work on a plan to either remove them or cope with it but I am not here to make your world what you dream it will be but instead to help make it a little easier to deal with. Make sense right. I guess too new age. I mean why should there be roles (yes off of subject) to a relationship. I mean looking at the word in no way results a masculine or feminine notation to it in a sense it is asexual word. Back on subject.
Do I want to be angry and bitter? That is the tough question. I see myself slowing getting there and it’s not good. I still want to be that naïve little 18 year old who promised herself that no matter what the world does I would not be come cynical and mean spirited. Now I see, I really see that is a hard feat to accomplish when people keep knocking, spitting, and hitting in a inconspicuous kind of way. See, I wouldn’t be upset if I was being hit and I knew it…. OO no it has to be in the sly manipulative way. I’ll let her think I’m good then wham hit her with the bad news. This folk is the where the cynicism grows and the mean spirit is fostered because being honest is too easy. I just want agape and to give that in return. I don’t want agape love because agape is tangible but loving on the other hand that is a work in progress and no man matter of fact no person can give that to me only God can. I want this man to be unselfish, loyal, and to benevolent as well have concern for the good of God, me, his family, and his self. Will this happen the naïve girl in me say, yes but I guess I have to go through my anger phase first.

I want to be Mr. Right

J: Hi
Me: Hello?
J: How are you? I seen you drive past me the day before yesterday
J: You don’t like me huh?
Me: No, its not that I was in the middle of something and could not respond.
Me: Where did you see me?
J: Going down by Carol Miller.
Me: Ok, now who is this?
Me: I guess I don’t get an answer.
J: J
J: Can I see you? I promise no funny business.
Me: No. You made your feelings clear the last time we met. I really believed that when you came back from NY you would have changed. I guess those were lines. I mean why? You really don’t care about me.
J: It’s J
Me: I know who you are now and what I sent stands.
J: I do and I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m serious.
Me: J, I’m tired. I’ve been hurt too many times by you and this time I really don’t trust you. I forgive you for your actions, but I can’t see me trying again. This last time you really hurt me. I actually cried on the way home because I was so hurt. I don’t want this feeling any more. I have come to equate pain with you. I just came to the realization that I was nothing more that a fu**. When you were in the mood you’d call
J: I have been thinking about you and I want to change. I want you to be my girl for sure and no bs.
J: You’re a good lady. I realized that I want you to have the best and I want to give that you if you let me
Me: I’m tired of lines. I just don’t need this. I can’t take hearing you say; again, you seriously want me. I’ve come to the point that I just don’t want a relationship. I gave up. I mean if you tried, your really, tried because you wanted me you would not have waited this long.J: Can you come over so we can talk? I promise just talk.
J: I want to do right by you. Can we just talk in person? Just give me 15min.
Me (over phone): You can talk to me this way. I’m not coming in person.
J: You don’t want a relationship with me
Me: No. I gave up on us J. I got tired of being hurt by you more that once.
J: I only did it once.
Me: It was three times. I know. When you getting you’re a** kicked you know how many times it’s getting kicked. When you’re on the giving end it’s easy for you to forget.
J: I just want to start over
Me: I just don’t want to. I don’t care anymore. I mean again why you did wait so long. If you want something you fight for it. I mean you promised me when you came back you’d change. you came back and it was the same sh** all over again. You didn’t even try with me. You just went back to treating me the same. You treated me as if I had to fight to win you back like it was my job to show you I cared. That wasn’t the case. You were supposed to be fighting for me showing me I needed to stay and you let me leave. This wasn’t fair.
J: I guess. I wanted to give you time. I know why you get mad you need time.
Me: I didn’t need time I need you to be different.
J: whatever
Me: What do you want me to say J?! I mean that I want to try again, that I will run into your arms and it’s going to be okay. No, I can’t say that. I don’t want a relationship and you’re unwilling to try. I’m done (hang up)
J (calling back): Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes, because we were done. What more could be said. I mean honestly I am leaving in 7 months. I can’t not give you a relationship because of that. Thanks for texing and I wish you the best. Good night (hang up)


What is this the let’s trying again? I swear when I give up and throw in the towel. All the people who should have cared about me before come into the picture. They want to try again, they want to be the man they could not of been, and now realize I was right all along. It’s frustrating to open wounds that were closed because he decided he wants to be Mr. Right. It’s wrong and unfair to put someone through this. I woke up depressed and evaluating myself. I wondered what’s wrong with me that he couldn’t get it right the first three times, matter of fact the first time. I feel like the kid being picked last for the kick ball team. I know I have great talent and every time kickball is played the team I’m on is shocked that I can play but each time a game is started I’m still picked last. This is a defeate3d feeling and I hate it. I moved on I grew from the circumstances and now here I am dealing with what I thought was done in my mind. Now I see I really never healed I just compressed the issue and put it on the back burner. Now, I need to deal with my feeling and I don’t want to. It’s so difficult and I hate crying because that’s what I’ll do. Plus I'm scared to dig that deep because I really don’t trust anyone that much to help dig me out. To sit and watch me completely break down and have to rebuild. It’s a nothing feeling I don’t like to have. Being vulnerable and emotional in front of other people. Yet coping alone is worse now that I know better. Yet trusting people is really hard when I keep getting hurt. I know deep down in side what I said to him was right and fair .But to let go of a person I really wanted to be with is hard. Then to top it off with seeing a familiar pattern is driving me crazy.

Direct approch, not working

M: Come on now baby how me and you going to get some where if we can be for each other
M: I should not have to twist your arm for you to tell something heavy on your mind

Me: I’m not asking you to twist my arm. When I am ready to talk I’ll talk. I said that I can not talk to you now because I am at work but you didn’t read that and kept on texting what you wanted to.
M: And I’m sick of waiting for you to get ready to do something to bring us closer.

Me: You know what, if you respected or understood me then you have made your decision by your comment. I am not going to jump to what you want when I have clearly explained previously my stance. You want what I can not at this point give. Yet you push it’s driving me crazy. you’re a good person and if my timing was right Id say yes but im not going to appease your needs because you say what you believe you are and I am supposed to run into your arms and believe it’s going to be ok. No I do not operate let that any more. I’ve learned that running before assessing the weather causes issues for both people. I’d rather worth through my sh** and be a better person for whom ever I marry because dating the way I have been for the last 6 years isn’t working. I have begun to recognize the start the middle and the ending because I have been constantly going through it. Every 1 has lines and as sincere as they appear to be I must pray and wait on God. Since He hasn’t told me to move so I stand. Look what ever you see in me is nice and I need to first believe in you and 2 believe your words.

M: Well what do you want me to tell you? Sounds like your only thinking about yourself, what about my needs as a man who is trying to be your man.

Me: I mean who I to think about am. I am single there are two things to think about me and God. Your asking me to buy a car with out researching it, driving it , making sure it fits into my budget, making sure I want to drive it five years from now and ect. Come on, this same principal applies to a potential mate. If you can not understand my stance, fine. I see your point and I empathize with you but I will not change my mind.

M: You are tripping and will be waiting forever. I am a strong man but not that strong


Me: That’s what you believe and to prevent torturing you and hearing these remarks on a constant basis I don’t what you talking to me. Strength is consistent no matter what.

M: No its not you are going off your pass relationships
M: Well I don’t know what to tell you. Im a good man and I want to be good to you but it’s tiring to make you see that.

Me: I never said you were a bad person and I told you have hang ups. Well again let me give you your rest by giving you the freedom to pursue a woman who can give you what it is you need/want.

M: I need you in every way
M: I need bay cant you understand that
M: No problem but I don’t need you to give me anything you’re tripping

Me: Apparently I do because you fail to even empathize with my stance and grow patience and
when you claimed that you did it was a façade. Why, because here we are again having a conversation you told me you were going to give me patience on. You’ve proved my point exactly. I understand you have needs but to ask a person who has hang ups to jump into something is crazy. You see, you want, and you think you must have now, yet when I have been trying to tell you logically why you can’t pursue and to wait an issue arises because you’re a man who has needs. Can’t you see beyond your needs enough to know that to get product you have to wait for the right season for it to grow. That means while you’re waiting you need to nurture and mature that produce tree. Nope you won’t because you see with short vision and that will not acquire anything till you do. I needed to tell you to move on because you will not understand me as you claim you have been.

M: no I can’t
M: From you
M: I already have

I can see from my own side that maybe M has a valid point. I have also gained a sense of insight to the root of my problems, yet I refuse to take the blame on this one. Before I dive into this let me trail back to what happened here. We meet on an online community and exchanged yahoo msgr id’s. M seemed like a nice person with cool qualities until he let his “right now” emotions take the best of him. I guess he assumed that because my profile included what I was looking for (mind you it was not the right now but in the future) he assumed that I was looking for a relationship. In my profile I never implied that I needed to be with anyone (even though deep down inside I do), because I knew I was not ready. From the first conversation it clear we were going to be friends. I express why, he pushed for more. They type of conversation for that last week has become our “dance”. The more he brought it up the more of a broken record I have been come. It has come to the point that his text message, calls, and im’s are annoying me. Mind you I have told him this has started to bother me and to stop but has it, nope. So this am I get a hello how are you text. I tell him I have been thinking and this is the rest of the story. Even after it ends he’s back trying again. Now I am stuck trying to get rid of him. yeah I know the typical ignore method doesn’t work for me because I hate being ignored and can not bring myself to do it to someone else. Gosh can some people take a direct approach.

Here I go again

I look of life occasionally and replay large moments in my life. I analyze why, how, what, who, when, and try to understand myself in those moments. Sometimes I may beat myself up for what I’ve done but when it’s all over I learn something new about myself. I see myself in a different perspective and I move on from it. Not everyday of my waking life am I looking in the past to live in my past or recreate my past but to figure out how to make me a better me. I mainly do this when I see my self repeating a pattern I thought I had given up. I have been , honestly, I don’t know what the hell to call what I’ve been doing but I wills ay I have been distracted. I started talking to S for about a month now, here in lies the distraction, and I feel that I am becoming displaced. I am becoming comfortable in my past which is my present. I know we are not compatible, okay unless he grows some personally heh maybe and we see the world completely different. I’m an emotional tell all talker and he is quiet annoying non communicative and aloof. Okay I’m being unfair by portraying myself as better than him it’s just that right now he is driving me crazy and the negative stuff is coming out( o I could have said more but I’m not going to). Really, he’s a sweet guy and shows his self very differently to what I am accustomed to. I’m used to open communication and discussing issues (mainly mine) till we have a common ground but with S it is not like that. If I don’t bring it up we will never ever never ever talk about it .This frustrates me because I need to know before circumstance become unbearable. I mean why live, life holding onto crap that can be released. Think about it the only reason people hold on to crap is fear of rejection, to feel so open, to have loss of control and not know how the recipient of the info will react to your info.

Well bull because the same thing can happen if you say nothing, ironic huh. I had to learn that lesson the hard way and it’s nothing to write home abut. Any who before I started talking to S again, yes, I restarted us talking. Why I am still trying to understand. I think it was me being sick of being alone and he responded back. Aurgh... I have now learned I can not do the alone thing for very long. It’s hard (I know who said life was easier but then gain who said it had to be so hard.) I really became a loaner. I was into my spirituality, music, art, and sound then after this was done it was me. Me alone is ok for short periods but for months on end. O just shoot me. So of course I jumped on the talk to S for a short time bandwagon. Now I can’t pull myself out. I am seeing my much focused life become pulled between being there for him and being there for me (God too). The sad part is I like him but I really don’t love him anymore. I like having a person near by but I want it on my terms. I hang out with him and my body is there but my mind is not. It’s like being depressed. You know you’re depressed but you cant nor will you pull yourself out because in a way things make way more sense in a depressed hole than it does in the life outside of it. Am I comparing my current situation to a depressed hole, naw, but it shows how wanting to be paid attention to (no I don’t need to be love I need attention) can drive a person to get out of sticky situation. I don’t want him as a lover more like a friend I can hug twice a day (ah a teddy bear a live one hahaha) but all the shit that comes with it is driving me crazy.

So here I am a contradiction to my own advice of not holding on to stuff and letting it go.

Not Dating .

Some of the poem’s wording might seem old-fashioned, but the message is timeless.

A Woman’s Question
By Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing?
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life -----
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might as for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt are whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a fare greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God.
Shall look upon as he did on the first
And say: “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose my fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this , a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay
But a woman’s’ hear and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.


I read this poem in the book I have been reading " I kissed Dating Goodbye" By Joshua Harris and this poem stuck out to me so much because it covers how I want the first step into talking about marriage with any future mate. I have notices since I am no longer looking for a mate my life has been come easier to bear. Loneliness occurs at times but always I am happy waiting for the right man to show up. It's crazy to tell people I'm not dating anymore because I'm waiting to hear from God what my next move will be , yet at the same time it's very comforting. I've found this peace not worry who will be my next love ( to turn into the ex-love) The round abut circle has begun to leave it's scars and I don’t want to carry those into my future long term relationship because it's not fair to my mate nor is it fair to myself. I went on this change after I ended things with L because I was seeing a pattern and the promise I made myself when I turned 18 .


I promised myself that no matter who hurt me I would never take it out on other people that my past relationship are my past nor would I grow up to be a bitter woman who holds on to past hurts and drugs them up each time a new relationship comes up. I’m noticing that I am taking the hurt I have experienced and I am starting to hold on to it. I'm starting to become afraid to love and trust because I don't want to end up hurting. I am becoming bitter because love has not ended up like I always hoped. So I used the old saying , if there is a problem with people first look at you to fix it.

This change in relationships has shown me that I am not ready to be married let alone have a boyfriend because the small issues are still in the progress of being worked out. It would be nice to be in love with the right one but if the timing is wrong the relationship is wrong. I know that when my life is right then love will be right because no person needs to deal with past baggage to enjoy love.

Finding

Ever get the chance to do something over again? The questions are different now that you have the chance to do the something over again. New found feelings arise now that the chance has come again. Only difference is that there is action in stead of blind faith. The I wish I shoulda coulda woulda’s have disappeared to the I hope I cant I won’t I don’t knows . It’s frustrating to have the second chance but have second guesses. I assume it’s a part of life.

I have a second chance with an old bf but I don’t want to rush into it because I am learning that dating equates short term. I want the next relationship I am in to end in marriage. I have promised myself no more long term hopes build in a short term shelter that is called dating. This new concept sounds nice

But...
My body and emotion, my words and my reaction show completely different. I will take a moment to justify my current actions. He brings back that spark, a light a glowing amber of what I want in a life time partner but I know that I have, we have, changed from adolescents to adults. However, I want to dive into this feeling in my old fashion and throw change out of the window. I haven’t had this feeling since we were together and I have been trying to substitute it since. This is why I want to jump into this blindly and let my hopes and wants take over. I want this feeling to be with me all my life ( that I have left) To constantly have him and God on my mind , to constantly be a child in “love” and having naive views of the world around me while always focusing on my inner world.

But….
I have resolved from this point onward to act in this manor: this man is my friend and that I would see him as nothing more till I am told other wise. I am realizing that the pursuit of my wants and right now needs end up hurting each time. It took me a while to realize, well actually when I was dealing with L, that my own unhappiness was self created. The reason why, I destroyed a possibly good person and possible long term relationship because I was not patient. Dang, I was hoping this would move at a faster pace but I will wait.

Now….
Shit has happened. I’ve said too much (as usual) I just don’t understand. I know I’ve said too much. I took something and blew it out of proportion. On the other hand if I said nothing and playfully; joked along then it could have been perceived that I agree with what was stated. I don’t and I never will again agree with being the shadow. The mysterious one lurking in the background hoping things will change. I’ve said to much and now the feeling I have a confusing. They hurt... it makes me wish I never felt this way to just accept the second change as a blessing and read nothing into it because it would have eliminated me from being an ass again. I look at the phone and hope. I try to find things to do with my time but the soft reminder of that voice just makes it seem pointless. All I want to know is that it will be okay yet I am proud that I said something instead of nothing.

Now…
I just want to know. I hate the waiting part after words have been spoken that could end or strengthen. I just hate when I say too much and the person says nothing in return. It is agonizing not to know anything. I prefer being yelled at than to hear nothing. I want to give space I want to have this will of this person at their own accord not me forcing or pushing the subject. I’m impatient I want to know now … *sigh* I’ll leave it alone and let it come when it will. I pack up the bundle of emotions the momentary joys and save it for another opportune moment for another opportune person. It’s a waste to wait on one when one times a million are what my chances on finding the right one could be. I want to quit finding others who are attached and feel that it’s okay to have an extra piece of cake. So alone I’ll wait till God places the right in my left.

Pain

Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes, he thought over and over as he writhed on the floor, clutching uselessly at his disabled left arm."
-Chapter 3 Section 1 of 1984

I was on line at wikipedia.com just going through the quote section and there it was my favorite quote out of the book 1984. When I first read the book (as well as the second and third time) this quote always stuck out to me. Stuck out so much that it made me laugh. Now does this mean I have a morbid sense of humor, at times, yeah. Yet, when I look over the last few months, I said over and over again that I wanted this pain to stop. To think , I call my self independent , strong will , and free spirited but pain ,like Winston holding his arm, is disabling. However it takes a lot to move from the pain or embrace the pain to allow it to transform you.
The transformation either good or bad is what the cliché saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger could originate from. I dont agree with the cliché , but I can understand the point its trying to make. Why, I dont agree with the saying is that sometimes pain doesnt bring strength sometimes it brings a new light to a person. A once happy and energetic person could become cautious and cynical, now does that equate strength. I guess it could depend on what a persons understanding of the word strength is. Thats the unpredictable thing about clichés the meanings do not transform or define all situations in the sense that stereotypes do not accurately describe people/race.
All of the pain that occurs in life , it would be wrong of me to state there has not been any positive changes or a new insight to my life. On the other hand , I needed to voice that the positive notion is not always the true notion . Not everyone is going to follow lead and grow for the best from every negative outcome, yet that is the preconceived notion thats thrown around especially in American culture. Its your right to buck up and move one to quit dwelling and move on yet no one tells people how to engage pain or educate people that pain is a natural part of life. Yes, everyone goes a painful part of life but it dose not make anyone weak instead it evokes change.
Which is why, in the face of pain there are no heroes? Keep this in mind the next time a painful situation arises that each of us are not alone in being the victim to pain however how we allow this pain to mold our life, that is a different story.

Filling Space

I will be updating my writing soon but thanks to all of you who have responded. Also, to those I have not responded, I will soon. I have been putting up quotes on my desk lately to show what I am feeling or thinking without actually saying it. I have decided to put these up in the mean time.
I have found truth that in others words your emotions are well spoken sometimes.



“Affectation of candour is common enough— one meets with it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design— to take the good of everybody's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad— belongs to you alone.”

- Elisabeth to Jane in Chapter 4 of Pride and Prejudice

Not to insult any ones intelligence but some of the words I didn’t know or remember the meaning, so I will give them to you

Affectation: noun: a. The act of taking on or displaying behavior no natural to oneself or not genuinely felt b. speech or conduct not natural to oneself
Candour: candor: noun: 2. freedom from prejudice or malice 4. Unreserved honest or sincere expression
Ostentation: noun: 1. excessive display

“You preferred to be a lunatic, a minority of one. Only the disciplined mind can see reality, Winston. You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in its own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in the mind of the party, which is collective and immortal. Whatever the party holds to be truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party. That is the fact that you have got to re-learn, Winston. It needs an act of self destruction, an effort of the will. You must humble yourself before you can become sane. “
- O’Brien to Winston in Chapter 3 Section 2 of 1984

“I think television has betrayed the meaning of democratic speech, adding visual chaos to the confusion of voices. What role does silence have in all this noise? “
- [on Television], A Fellini Lexicon, Edited by Damian Pettigrew (ABRAMS, 2003)

Doomer

Life is a test of how well I can handle the sudden ups and downs, only thing is there is no grade at the end of the test giving feedback as to how well or poorly I’ve passed. -Me

The last few months have been pretty odd, yeah; odd that’s the word I’ll use to encapsulate my feelings. My uncle died, then my best friend husband died, and now my uncle died. However each of these deaths is different, my uncle died in a freak car accident, my best friend’s husband died from jumping off of the freeway over pass while od’ing and my uncle died of AIDS. Then add on top of this my own personal issues and growth equals a possible breakdown, which really frightens me.

I will get to why this frightens me in a moment.

I’m not much of a griever but instead I will focus on many tasks to keep my mind off of the fact that a person has died or left my life. The reason being is: why focus so much on a person leaving when I could focus on moving forward with my life? Why cry and mop about over the fact that a person has left? I think the answer to that; it is pointless. I mean, really, life has a cycle and we all one day will have to play the part.
Now, do not mistake my view on grief as I am heartless and inconsiderate. I don’t want to grieve over a person who can no longer hear my words about them to them. They are dead and that is the way it is but to sit and loose my marbles over what I knew was going to happen is making matters worse.
Because of my indifferent reaction to death causes this question to arise: what if my immediate family died of a murder and I was the suspect?
I don’t mourn the way a “normal” person would in American society thus I would be guilty of the crime because I would not respond in the typical manor. Which I don’t think is justified. It’s like people want you to react and act in a manor that would be pleasing to them which will equate my “respect” to the dead. Yet, if I respond in the typical fashion then I am looked at as if I am ok.
Anywho, I am going to get off of that soap box and explain why I would be frightened of a break down.
Around the August before September 11 I had a break down. I lost my job, I was raped ,attempted raped, sexually harassed, and had to move back to my dad’s home... which going back there was not the first choice but the only choice. The whole month I started living there I was being pressured to find a job or go into the military by him. I knew I was working my ass of to change my current situation because I did not want to live back with him either ( quick rundown of history :old fashion stern short tempered yet loving father meets young recently turned adult who wanted to experience life you put the two together. Ah yes the good ol’ oil and water analogy) but I needed a place to live till I was back on my feet. One morning he told me that I had 2 weeks to find a job or off to the man’s army I go. Well that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I decided since nothing right was going in my life, I was a failure, and everything that was happening to me was my fault equated suicide. Was that the brightest idea looking back, no, but at that particular moment yes. (Sorry for giving the Reader’s Digest version of my break down but I want to make my point soon) So I made a prescription cocktail, by researching the drugs and the effect on line, once I found a combination I liked I made the cocktail and decided to” checkout” but before I collapsed I called my mentor. I told my mentor what I did, asked her to tell everyone I was sorry and passed out.

Why I say all of this is that I feel that same sort of pressure now. Whoa... I’m not going to “check out” again because I am aware of my depressive moods and I talk to people now, but knowing that I could go there is frightening. Every day I wake up I have to remind myself that I have a reason to be here and cheating out by checking out is not justified.

Yes, I was very young and never did learn how to cope with stress or really felt comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on with me. I always frowned on telling people what was wrong with me because I saw it as a weakness a form of manipulation that could be later used to hurt or confine me. (Now, don’t ask how a 16yro kid came up with this idea that formulated her early adult life but she, as in I, did.)

Ah-ha then again that could be why I’m indifferent to death because I tried to send myself on a one way ticket there and people I hadn’t talk to in ages all of a sudden cared. They wanted to tell me things that they should have said and treat me like a kid in a glass case. That’s not the point of death is to cry an mourn of the what I should of said but instead pause, remember who they

It’s frightening to know that I have to stop myself from my other self to enjoy life. This is why people wonder why I am happy most of the time it’s because if I let my self go into sadness I can’t pull myself out.
Sadness is moments that I may shed a tear ponder for a moment or three realize there is nothing I can do the change the current situation to move on to right now the new issues at hand. To live a lie in sadness only creates a madding effect of emotions non- controlled as a bottomless black pit. Clawing to free ones self to the light.

I know my message was a bit depressing but overall I am fine. I know that to I need to talk and let my feeling free. I no longer bottle up what is going on nor do I dwell in what I can not change. Yet sometimes it’s a little okay for me to have sadness but I’ll get over it in a month. Normality here I go 

Thanks

Some you have been posting message on my site for a while and may have wondered 1) why they are not showing up and 2 ) why I have not responded.

Well , thanks to F (http://fredcharles.wordpress.com), I have found out that I have had my comment moderated. Hell, I didn't know + I did not have the comment coming to my email at all.

Honestly, I was not being rude just a ditzoid,

So now, whew, all of your messages have come to me ,at last! As well , the messages are now are showing on my webpage. Yes, yes I will respond to all the message ( Just don't expect anytime this week or next week).

Thank you so much for taking time out to read and comment on my page!!!

Special thank you (s) to F for giving me the heads up or I would have gone months more with out responding. !!!

Nykki
I'll try to be more consistent with the look of the page. I see pretty stuff and start adding it. I have a short span to keeping things it goes in this fashion: I like I play I keep I toss. Sad but me .I think I need to work my consistency, a lot of the time I'm al over the map. Eh that's a new story there me being consistent *scoffs at own suggestion* Wish me luck on that one.



The most we ask of life is to be appreciated. Then ask yourself do you appreciate yourself? Then why ask to be appreciated if you can not do that to oneself.

You Have the Power

You have the power to set yourself free of negative
Thought patterns and behaviors. You have the power to imagine the best for yourself and your world, and then to immediately take steps in that direction.

You have the power to rise above the meaningless, petty distractions that can waste so much time and steal so much energy. You have the power to fill your moments, your life and your awareness with the things that have real and lasting meaning.

You have the power to be your best no matter what the circumstance. You have the power to move forward no matter what setbacks or obstacles may block your path.

You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how life can be. You have the power to follow and to reach the dreams of your choosing.

You have all this power because you have the choice. In each moment, you can choose independent of all other factors, what to think, what to say, and what to do and who to be.

Though it is a serious responsibility, it is also the most magnificent opportunity anyone could ever imagine. For you have the choice, and the power, to truly and to fully live.

-- Ralph Marston

I saw this poem at the end of an email I received today. At first, I overlooked it because I thought it was on of those meaningless tags that a lot of people put at the end of their emails; you know, keep smiling because there is blue skies ahead crap. However I needed some info so I pulled the email out of my garbage section and read it again, this time the poem caught my attention (I guess that is what it was supposed to do.) Then I read it three times. I really don’t know why I needed to read it three time ;but, I guess, I wanted to make sure the message it was giving was what I was understood it to be. Which coincides with situations and people that have been “popping” into my life lately that he really been testing me to stay the course with my life changes. (Maybe another time I’ll deluge but not now) Eh, I think I really needed to be reminded that I have a choice in what ever actions I take.

Women as friends

I've wondering why women have issues making new friends.
The last few months I have been trying to make new friends with any female.
I don’t know what it is about the inability to just walk up to a girl and say, hello.
Even if I was to tell her that her style is nice and try to engage in a conversation I am being treated as if I am a lesbian, which is not the case at all.
I just want a relationship that I see on most all female shows i.e. girlfriends or sex in the city however it's just not possible. Maybe it’s because some women don’t like other women.
Think about it when two women walk by, one say hello and the other acts as if it is beneath them to respond back.
To simply have kindness between each other even though they are not in the same "click”.
Or the confusion with my kindness as a come on. I know its ruff out thee is the world and it’s hard to trust another person but how will you know unless an effort is placed,
It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone say “You know like that is my girl from way back, someone I can really depend on”.
I am not trying to be like the others take you man and talk about you behind your back yet that seems to be the main reason why women can be friends, the misconceptions we have created about ourselves which stops us from helping each other as a collective.