Goodbeheheies

I went by S's place last night, well actually, this morning to drop off the clothes I had belonging to him and also to get the movies I had left there. I drive into the parking lot and it looks like he was just getting home. I wasn't sure because the parking lot at his apartment is poorly lit but if he saw me he could have just waived just to let me know it was him. Anycase, I get the bag and walk up to the apartment, suddenly I realized the excitement I would feel getting to the stairs was gone. Usually my excitement would be as a child getting a reward or a present; instead I felt like I had an important matter to deal with and my emotions were placed to the side. I felt as if I could care less about S or as if he was an aquatance to me.

Well, I do need to back up and explain my time before getting to S's place. I went to J’s place because I had not seen him in like 5 days and just needed a friend so I deiced to stop by. We sat on the couch watch Foxy Brown, which I really like except for the cheesy 70s sexist parts and I felt like I didn't belong there in his arms. I knew I was getting tiered of the routine we had going. Come by late have sex get up leave. I wanted more I felt empty and tired of "open relationships or friends with benefits". We finish most of the movie and J gets tired and wants to go to bed. We get to the room I lay down and he starts with the attempt of removing my clothes. I stop him and ask, "Are you happy with the way things are?" He replies, “yea". I then launch in to you want sex and I can't give that you anymore because I want something committed. He tells me well it's up to you to do what you want but you have made up your mind.
When he said that it pissed me off
I did not make up my mind habit gave me my answer and I wanted to make sure that if I was going to do this routine there was a pay out we both were going towards. I got up and told him I was leaving because we both wanted different things and I can't force myself to go along with the flow because I don't want to be alone. He walks me out and then grabs me for the strongest hug I have ever received from him. This causes me to think he wanted more but, does not feel ready or want the “drama” associated to a relationship.
I tell him,"You will find the right woman for you; I know it's not me but good luck. Thanks" I then walk away. I knew he stood at the door till I left out of his sight usually he just lets me out and closes the door. Go figure.

Again, I was hurt but I knew I would get bored or he would. I need him to be honest with me and I guess that wasn't going to happen. My feelings for J were not hella strong but strong enough to hurt when he was happy with a non-committed relationship. Life goes on but this time I felt great to stand up and say this is what I want you can't give it to me then I have to leave even if it hurts your feelings because this time around it is about me for now on.

Ok back to leaving S his stuff and making an attempt to get mine. I get to the door and I wanted to knock but I didn't. I guess I don't want to talk or hear the lines. I wanted to be inconspicuous because I'm not ready to deal with him out of fear of saying something really stupid. I leave the bag and a note for him to call me when he has time so I can schedule a time to get the movies I left there. I felt all the sadness, frustration, and anger boil up again. I wanted to go back to the door have him open it and say," You stupid fool I am a great person with flaws I will admit and for you to say what you did to me was wrong. You could have told me when you knew I was getting attached that you were going that way with me. No instead, you let me fall for you .Then you hurt me out of your own stupid reasons. I hope you never have to go through what I am right now and I forgive you.”Instead I keep walking and I smiled because I don't need to say that because when I left without saying anything when he was done leaving the bag and the note is enough. Sometimes nothing said is a strong impact than saying something.

I felt free reassured, proud, and good on the other hand, ya I'm still hurt, sad, and upset but those is not what is conquering me. I am going to remain positive that if love is for me it is by trial and error, by trying again and again. Life comes with good and bad which is how I take it will make my life and I am going with good thoughts. Even though I trying to be positive I was still in the dumps a song came on while I was in the car by Faith Evans titled, “Until You Came" Ok well I didn't love S but the song captured how I felt

Love was just a four letter word Misused to entrust the heart of followers But it never meant a damn thing to me Until you came so unexpectedly Then you curved my whole attitude Got me feelin' ways that I never thought I could See really what I'm tryin' to say is I like what I'm feelin' And I hope you never take it away

I never gave my heart to love I never gave my time to love I never even cared for love Until you came Baby I never gave my heart to love I never gave my time to love I never even cared for love And then you came, baby

I can't believe you walked through my defenses And made me smooth out my rough ends and You got me open and I'm hopin' that this ain't no act 'Cause I don't want no parts of that Matter fact, I really hope that you're true <---- Guess not on that one hahaha
Cause I wanna invest my time in you And all my childish dreams with all my conversations 'Cause I know that somethin' special's in the makin'

Yo! Seriously though, I'm buggin'. I'm, I'm really confused 'Cause I trust you with some things you say, but with other things I just don't trust you. But my mama said work with it, you know what I mean? It's like I've been going through all these emotions And I'm dealin' with stuff I've never dealt with before It's like you just, hmm, you got me straight trippin' boo. I don't even know what's wrong with me. But I hope you understand how I feel, 'cause I really care about you. So check this out baby.

Well relationships will go through this circle this was the first time for me to feel this way. I guess it' s not the last time either

:) me