I know it's early but I noticed that my writing needed to be freed. The next week school is starting so it's not workable (if that is a word) to do it on the 19th. Well I hope the holidays were well for everyone. Vegas was fun!! I won 300 on roulette, did the strip (my clothes stayed on, no stripping for me <--- yeah a weak joke, talk to strangers at tables and on the streets, and rode the monorail. No shopping, ack, I know. But over all I had a good time. Not going back for a while I like my money just a bit too much and gambling is expensive. Ok but more of my kvetching and soul searching through my writings. I love writing it helps me see what I can’t see in my mind yet it shows I have a lot of work to make it better. A better person or to see my world in my words to laugh cry and have an ah ha moment. I guess that is part of why I am here. Ok ok I'm rambling but one more thing I love feed back. I thank God for allowing me to be in your presence and lastly welcome!!
Take care
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Everything will be ok. I am starting to believe in that
I want to confess that:
I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.
Now:
I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.
I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.
So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control
Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.
This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.
There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.
I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.
Now:
I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.
I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.
So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control
Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.
This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.
There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Makes me feel. Exhale
I am alone for once in my adult life. Since I have been 19 I have been from one fling to another. I really never had time to myself because I did not want to be by myself. I needed to have the closeness of another person. Not just for sex but to know that person was there when I needed them. I needed another person to validate me instead of self validation. I needed to be the girl that helped a man through his transition phase and then move on. These last few days I have been inundated with a lot of information about myself and I was in awe about how other people have perceived me.
This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.
- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with
Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.
While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.
Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.
I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh
This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.
- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with
Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.
While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.
Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.
I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh
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