Bio me

I cannot control your emotions or you as a person; however, I will ask you to look at yourself. Not just surface stuff or things people have pointed out to you neither the good things about yourself nor the bad things but to step outside of yourself and look at your life as an outsider. Don’t brush what I just said off or think little of those sentences but really do what I just said.

When you look at yourself as an outsider, what do you see? Is it all that you would be proud of? Did you keep the promises to yourself as well as others? Are there aspects you would change or are you happy with what you’ve seen? Keep asking yourself many questions as if you were seeing yourself for the first time but ask these questions in the mirror. Dig deep and continuously letting everything out, truthfully, till you can stand in the mirror and say, “I am fine with the answer I am giving and if a stranger were to ask me I would be fine with my answer.” When you look don’t lie to your own face be honest because this is for you and no one else. Don’t give yourself the safe answer. Don’t answer as if you want to hear what you’re telling yourself to evade the emotions which will follow from your answers.

Pulling out all of those thoughts and emotions as well as the questions and answers, write down what you like/love about yourself, what you’re proud of, what you notice needs change, people you need to make amends to, a plan to acquire the life you want to live, a plan to change what you’ve seen as a hindrance to your life and finally steps you’re willing to make to place these words into actions.

Don’t compare now to the past and don’t reminisce or romanticize the past. Look at this as a plan to change the now into the future because you now are rewriting your history

This action plan needs to be daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. Because to just say I want to change this is and how I am going to change that is not enough. You need to write these actions down and a means to see the change occur. If the change is stagnant, keep working at it each time till it is improve by your plan’s standards. But all in all your changes need to be planned, seen, and acted.

I say all of this because I have personally gone through this myself and still do currently. I want you to understand me, even if I never speak or see you again. You know everything about me and in my openness I hope to help you make the moves to live your life more attainable.

I was not an abused child and I lived in a home of love. We had our ups and downs but I know I have an awesome (immediate) family. I did not have a horrible sibling rivalry or have to think my parents loved one child more than the other. I was taught many things that were building block to live an attainable live such as how to live with high standards, moral respect, global responsibility, self respect, and self responsibility.
My parents had a rocky relationship and tried to make it work for my sisters and but it was not meant for either of them to be together. This relationship was the molding block for many of my fears and concerns but even still I saw examples of good relationships. I was never taught hate for myself through my family and the actions of my adult life were not from the lessons and advice of my parents. These choices were all of my own actions from the lies I told myself to the self hate I acquired from the mistakes I made.
Yet from these mistakes, I have grown into the free spirit down to earth hypersensitive caring fun loving stubborn person I am today. I wouldn’t take back anything that has happened in my life because I wouldn’t be me, now. Each day I learn and each day I can make a mistake but in the end I can look at myself, be completely honest with what I’ve done to a complete stranger or my family and move on. I can be frank with other people about my experiences and hope he/she can learn something from me and me from them. These lessons have helped me to be non judgmental towards another person and be a little more accepting of the differences in each of our personalities as well as know when to follow and when to lead. When to listen and when to talk, now my family may disagree but they are the ones who really know me and can say as I’ve gotten older I have made some slight changes. Then again if I can yell scream and be immature around them then who can I. ha-ha. Its life and I’m learning to go with it each day and try to plan the rest of it the best I can. But eh there are some speed bumps along the way.

I’m not perfect and sometimes I have to remind myself that I am human and I am living to my standards not everyone else what I do is for me and God. If others appreciate it great if not that is their own personal problem. I have no problem from removing people who aren’t needed(well love right now is different sorry ß working on that one)in my life and I’m fine being in my own company. I know that little glitch will be worked out in time but as long as I keep my emotions in check and my logic reined in I’ll be fine. But to say right now I’m happy is a good feeling and I’m glad I took the step to remove my security blanket to give myself a chance to flourish and see me

Here it is

Am I doing time?
I’ve ask myself this question a lot lately. I am a slave to school and acquiring the best grade possible. I am moving next year and have no clue where I’m gonna get 3000 just in moving expenses as well as I have to find a job to cover all of my needs while I’m living there. Which I should add all needs to be done by May no later than June. I have to worry about my math class because if I don’t pass it I can’t get into ASU till the spring or next fall. Meaning my time line will so be out of whack and I will be really depressed, pissed, and even more determined. I miss the security of 40-hours a week and a paycheck to cover all my expense with cash left over each month. On top of that when I do graduate I’m going to be 20-30 thousand in debt so having that oh so fabulous life just will have to wait till I’m too old to care. Then finding that cash to finance the rest of my education is going to be a battle because I’m not a high school student and that is where a good bulk of the scholarships is. Then to add insult to injury I’m truly single again.
I know something will have to give and all things will work out because since I’ve been here it has been working out pretty well. I’m just stressing because I’d like to know how things are going to be beyond the now. Which this lesson is really hard for me to believe in blind faith and know that God will make a way I just need to believe. Slowly yet stubbornly I am learning and it feels good. I am becoming comfortable in who I am and just really want to lose more weight will top most things off.
The only issue is: me fighting with who I was to who I am. After trying and trying with Al and the relationship not panning out. I just want to give up on trying to find a man that matches me or even allowing God to place on in my life. I just don’t want to open up and get hurt again or trying and waiting only to waste 4 years on a pipe dream. I just want a person that complements me and benefits God yet it seems easier to just going back to friends with benefits without any expectations involved. I’m not hurt in that mind frame because I don’t really get to know the male as well he doesn’t really know me and I live my life.
Only issue with this is that I know I will be hurt because I want an emotional connection so badly that sacrificing that need to be with another person would depress me and cause me mental pain. Yet that old habit seems so alluring and so promising.
It’s just analyzing but I need to make a decision because I’ve told Jam that I would just be friends with benefits but I said that in the mist of hurting and being depressed. It sounds good and I feel protected but at the same time I feel as if I’m lying to myself and hurting myself because of Al. I want so much to feel what I wasted for the last 4 years that meaningless sex will somehow heal my heart. After Ste it’s been really hard cause I really cared I put myself back out there it was a complete turning point even though it was a 4 and a half month relationship. I was committed, I was there, I was her, and it ended cause of religion. Like I was perfect but since I was keeping his focus away and my views on religion differed than his then I wasn’t good enough. That still hurts to this day and I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since. If I’m really honest I’ve been chasing Nat and Jar characters for most of my life.
I’ve come to the slow understanding that I don’t love Al .I loved the idea of what I could have with him and I like who he was but not who he is and within this deep affection for him I have built this ideal character that he can’t live up to. Nor will he ever.
So all in all I’m hurt with myself for trying to make him into the 3 men that I truly loved in my life. That wasn’t fair to him and I can’t take it out on him. I have to just accept the fact that I can’t build a man into 3 distinct personalities that I love as well as hated about them.
There it is. I can’t be a fling girl .My heart can’t go back because I was hurting back then and I’m not hurting any more now. I’m happy. It’s not perfect but I’m happy. I worry about money and so many other things but I’m happy. I like who I am and I have an awesome intermediate family and close friends. To go back to being hurt would be like me trying to kill myself again and be institutionalized. I promised myself I could never go back to who I was at that point. God has given me another chance and even though I’m 27 I am going to make the best of this second chance. It took me a long time to appreciate this chance that I can’t just throw it away on some I didn’t love from the get go.
It a lesson learned. I’ve dusted myself off and I can move on. I will just keep the ol heart on the sleeve and keep on trucking because in the midst of my stubbornness I know He will pan this all out and I just need to be patient.