I'm a junkie hahah.. Anywho I feel good. I was thinking about my class last night and the teach was talking about christianity and it struck a cord with me . There is so much about this faith of mine that I did not know which is making me question the structure that I once believed was solid. Now I am not stating there is no God, I'm just questioning how he came into existance and who is He?
It hurts to know I've been decieved in a way all my life that there are other ways to experiance Him. Then I re look at the how the church is set up and how much it differs from what i have read about how the church was designed to be... My view is why go to a place where people dictate how the religion should be because no one is willing to challange it .. It kinda is like the bandwagon effect because everyone is doing it so should I. I don't think I should. So, now I am as this cross road trying to figure out why did I blindly listen to what I thought was right and not find out for myself all these years and what should I believe. That is going to take time.
I just see things differently even how I view myself to point.
How can people inclding myself just take things as they are and think that it is right or just, making it the standard for everyone? It is as if no one has the same mind we are just the same being with our statment that we are individuals but yet we try to conform to this imaginary uniformity.. Who am I to say that this is right but then again it seems as if I conform to what everyone else is if it seems right to me ..
I will basically need to take the time to reevealuate if this is the right way for me and then go forth with what is right to me .

Here I go again

Guess what happens again.. I meet somone and wow he is really nice + a good person. I was able to completly be myself and it was understood. Even though it was for a few days I felt like I had know him forever like a long lost friend that I had reaquanted with. I told him from start that I did not want anything sexual and basically something old fashoned just one day at a time is basically it. I thought we had that understanding.
As usual I find a way to go and mess it up.
We're having our normal conversation and I start to get tired which means my voice changes and I become more comfortable. I noticed that he was already that way with a very soothing voice. He starts talking about how he wants to hold , touch , kiss and all of these other physical things. Which I am ok with because I am affectionat person but he starts to go further.. I become closed and clam up I will admit. While he starts I say hey arent we going a little fast with a few I think we should stop dont you think its a bit too soon and even no. I guess I dont sound conviencing enough cause it seems like I like what he is saying and feeding into it and I may have. Even still I am very quiet he ask do I have something to say and I answer that I dont.also as well I am very distant as if I am not participating. I have half-ass answers when he ask me any questions. He doesnt take the hint and keeps on.
So he finally stops and ask me something and I at this point know this is just all he wanted .. physical.. figures.. most men say o I like you for who you are..you're honest down to earth funny easy to talk to .. all this nice bulshit things..
I closed up yea that is right..
why should I have to re-explain myself when I already said I did not want sex and here you go doing what I asked not for you to do.. how was i going to say in the middle of your tirate that Hey you i dont want this I thought you were listening to me that you cared and valued me! I guess not because you're doing the one thing I staited I did not want.
Then Im the bad guy cause I did not want to repeat myself that Im hurt... that I am repeating my past all over again.. I thought his was different his words his mannorism ha I guess not just the same lines Ive heard since I lost my virginty at 20.. Im so sick and tired of this .. Why do finding decent people have to be so hard? Why is it that when I stand up for what I dont want Im treated like the bad person like I said something wrong done something wrong mislead the person.
He was nice and apologized but its hard for me to belive that he wants to take it one day at a time that he is not after something physcal. He said something that made me think. I am able to pull in a fine female ... I attracted to you for who you are and started listing some of my traits. That made me think that he is not physicaly attracted to me that I am just what ever for the time being that there is something better and Im just the meantime.. figures..
Im cute I can take that but Im 5'2 190lbs who would really find that atractive I have to work hard on my personality to show Im a great person so that it makes me physically more atractive and I am begning to be ok with that because it is how the world works.. I just dont want to be treated that because i dont want to have sex im a horrible person that I am to be treated with kid gloves.. its not fair.. I know I am to blame for this whole thing if I said what i was thinking even thought it would of hurt his feelings I would not feel the way i do now.. He doesnt even want to show affection to me any more, figures.. no man can seperate a hug from intercourse it all means the same. I can let go and forgive but now I dont know if I want to talk with him anymore it was in his voice the hurt , fustration, confusion,blaming me cause I was not vocal enough. I dont want to loose your friendship I dont know why I care but I do so ... *sniff* Im doomed to be alone I guess all at my expense.. If I loose this heh its life I'll get over get on forgive and be me :)

American Heart Association

Im so excited about taking on this new cause for the american heart association.. It like a shining part in my life.. To help a cause that will benifit many other people maybe in the future even myself. It just bugs me that others would refuse to help in something that has helped there lives or even someone else in their family.. I love to help out great cause because it not just helping me but its helping eveyone and that is a great feeling. So i have to give up part of my saturday and walk but I've given up worse. I've lost that at first but this year i came back to being a humanitarian figuring that its a great thing to do.. See out side myself and my views to give of myself for the better good. I dont know which feeling is better sex or doing something that helps others. Hell I know helping others. Any who more promotion for the AHA... Ahem... this cause helps out so much with the cure and prevention for heart dieasese.. giving just a dollar for each mile I walk goes to words more cures and info to the public for heart diesese.. you never know it could be you that needs this help that many people put towards helping to conqure this.. I am walking a 5K marathon and even though on the web it shows 25.00 hey there is a way just to mail out less than that.. If you want more info the website is http://www.americanheart.org/
to give towards this great cause http://heartwalk.kintera.org/sacramentoca/nykki

Love is never silent

Love is never silent
A loving heart, a gentle smile a warm and tender touch.
We give so many things in life but nothing means as much.
A little inspiration when someone loses hope,
A kind word of encouragement when they no longer seem to cope.
A simple phrase I love you when no one else is there,
Taking hold onto a hand in a little heartfelt prayer.
"Love is never silent"
It has so much to say, and it is our greatest blessing when we give it all away

I really hurt someone recently.. I would not call it hurt but Des would say differently.. Well we were talking for a short period of time and there were some feeling there, but because of me not wanting to have sex for a long time it was fustrating for him and as well he really didn't see my view point..During this time we talked about having a relationship and I was thinking I am not ready for a relationship.. or am I? Anywho I would say a week ago we decieded to try having a relationship. I was excited about this huge step and plus he is a good guy but then I started to logicaly think about my decision to saying yes. He works nights and goes to school during the day and I am the opposite. I have Sat/Sun off , He has Wed/Thurs off. He wants to leave for FL. in two to three years, I'm wanting to go to San Fran or NY in that same time span for school. He believes that a relationship is just a phase before marrage and what happens in that time does not matter untill marrage. Im opposite I belvieve a realtionship is just a mirror image of a marriage as well why get married its unneeded paperwork and and unnesscary expense. If me and the person I am with make a commitment to stay together that is between us now if it is to be shared with everyone so be it but I'm not going to go through a huge un-needed cerimoniy to show somone I love them when I can do it everyday I am with that person. Off that tangent.. I email him( yeah I know not the "propper" way to do this ) and tell him it is not in our best interest to pursue a relationship due to these factors. He was hurt and I understand that completly because I have been indecisive with him as well he did not want to talk to me anymore which I understood as well. I just did not want to be in an empty relationship because the two people involved did not have time for each other. Its not fair to him nor me and that is why I had to tell him no that we could not be " together" I thought I did the right thing..

Well A new day starts today.. You know that had to be created by an optomistic person. Anycase back to yesterday... So I do that and he is like trying to make me go further.. ( yes I know I was asking for it when I told him I would give him hand) I tell him no .. he seemed okay with it let me go to the bathroom to clean up * God I hate spit but O well, lesson learned no more at home hang out unless it is a chick since I'm not a lesbian* He go takes a shower comes out and is like hey can you do me a favor around the house since my maid is gone. ( okie this is drawing the line here, do I look like a person who cleans some one elses home I barely do my own let alone someone elses') .
No was my answer
Now I had no issue with feeding the dog cause he was the best thing of the who visit and turing off the fish light in the tank but that was for helpless animals but the cleaning that stops there.
I was so glad when my phone rang so I would not have to hurt this guys feelings( even though he had no issue hurting mine in a sense) to leave. Whew!!! He walks me to the door and tries to kiss me bye.At this point I would have taken a kiss from buddy the dog than him. I gave him a hug bye and was relieved to leave..
To top it off he's like I'll call you later this week. HA! Ok yeah right and I'm Hoodini with a million bucks that grown indefinatly from my ass.. I hate when men do that I'll call you yeah frigking right .. why not say I dont want to ever talk to you again but thanks for wasting our time.. Im okay with that. Reason being is when I hear that I dont want him to ever ever ever call again. I swear I have a dot on my head for the retards but, it's a lesson learned and nothing to dwell over..

I don't know what to think most days if it is worth the time to put up with life and try to conquer inspite of. Not saying I want to kill myself or anything. It is just dealing with other people in a relationship setting. For example I met an old "partner" on line a a couple of days ago and we started talking or what not. He states that he has changed and I told him I have as well,it seems as if we both agreed on that sex was not the main way to acuqire any form of a relationship because we both have been down that road. He invites me to his home on Sunday to hang out,I'm like; hey ,great ,no prob, meeting up with good people is always good. Ha! Wrong!? Anywho, I get there it was nice we talked I changed cause he had this cute dog that was so playfull.. (nothing over cute a pair of sweats and a t-shirt + I didn't want to mess up my decent clothes on dog drool and hair eww) picked a movie to watch.(I don't know what it is about a movie where I have to lay on the person and watch it.) We're talking and stuff and he starts to give me a massage because I was talking about the fact that my lower back is shot because of being in too many car accident. I told him to stop cause I did not want to give off the wrong impression. We continue to talk. { it felt nice to just be held for once even though, I knew I should not have been this close to him in the first place but , theres no but. I just wanted to feel wanted for once and not just sexually } He ask me to start to rub his leg ( I'm like what the hell???!!) I found no big issue about it so I did Then he kisses me.. It was ok nothing like would drive me crazy and think about him but ah.. . I know what happens here it kind follows a script. He became really aroused and wanted me to go further. I stated no I cant cause I am going to find a decent relationship where I don't have to sleep with man first but instead create a friendship then possibly go to a relationship. Kinda a of an old fashioned relationship because I've done my years for just sex or friends with benefits, open door relationships, I've realize that they get old fast + it is very lonely the point. I find this so funny but hey. He starts to ask me to get him off and that we wont have sex just spit on it and help me .* it still makes me shudder EWW* OMG I hate spit, I wake up hating to brush my teeth cause I have to spit, but to do it because I need clean teeth and this dipwad wants me to spit on his dick and jack him off! I oblige this idiot cause I won't here the end of it.( Yes, I know I'm stupid but O it gets worse.) Well I have to leave work now but I guess I'll finish tomorrow cause I need to get this off of my mind * shakes head*