It's Cold

I’m being told that changes do happen over night. This is in complete conflict with what I think change is about. I’ve always liked the old saying, “changes doesn't happen overnight”. I mean it doesn’t because changes does take time. Even if I were to change over night I still have to remind myself daily until it becomes part of my habit that I have changed. To believe that change happens instantly is hurtful and unrealistic. To expect a person who has been hurting or living in fear for a long period of time to snap out of it is like having the flu and the body is just supposed to go back to normal with out being nursed to health. This is my view on change. It’s like a chemotherapy to a cancer patent it eats away at the cancer till it is in remission or gone. The chemo treatment takes time and has side effects just like change, meaning that every once in a while I will slip and fall but that doesn’t mean that I am not a changed person. Most men that I talk to treat me as if I will never open up , that I will never change from the fear and mistrust in my voice but this is not I am implying. I am saying give me the time to make the small step of change into the bigger picture of my life. And, yes, everything that he would ask for may come.
The emotional, physical, and psychological parts of change, I guess, are harder for me. Why?! I am fearful of being hurt again by completely opening up and trusting someone. To release that much of my self control to another person is like putting me into a coffin and giving me 30 minutes of air. I am going to panic. I have always been in “control” of myself. I have always been the one to pick up for others, to be the support system, to basically be a parent. Don’t get me wrong I had a childhood but I was always too mature for my own age. In relationships, it’s the same way I open up to my mate like a mother seeing her child for the fist time. All the fears the hopes and dreams of this child are fresh. But when stepping into a relationship time after time with this same mentality it has started to create scars. Because the child that I envisioned so perfectly has started to grow up and is causing serious damage.When I keep giving birth to a demon child I started to wonder is it me and I should just quit breeding. The small amount of hope in me still want to see the good in people and believe them at face value. But I am asking myself at what cost. It’s not like I don’t trust anyone I am very cautious to let go of my control.
A funny analogy came in my head when I wrote that.
Remember when you were a kid and you were going to the pool for a swim because it was hot outside. I know I'm going off topic, but it will circle around go with me okay. Its hella hot out side and you want to cool off by going in the pool because you know the water is cold. But what is the first thing you do when you’re at the pool? Put you foot in to see how cold the pool is. Well obviously you know the pool is cold but you want to see how cold before jumping in. You put your foot in and retract it so quickly because it is really cold. So instead of jumping in and getting it over with, you slowly torture your self by putting each body part in slowly until you’re completely in. Now there were other kids that did the same test but instead of slowly getting in the water those kids jumped in the pool and screamed bloody hell for the pool being so cold. I feel like that at this moment with C. I wan to just jump in but the reaction my body will take to the cold is something I don’t want to deal with. However, has C done anything for me to subject him to my “wall”? At this moment, yes, because I will not let go of the 2 P’s and an E (see first sentence of the previous section). They have protected me from being hurt but have stopped me from caring and being cared for. Yes, I am angry right now as well as frustrated and hopeless (in the sense of find the right person). I am still dealing with one issue of my past at a time plus I really don’t want to go out in the pool. Being selfish is my mind frame right now and is that fair not really but I want to .Then I met C. He is showing me the living in my moment is not helping me and is causing me to loose good people. Honestly I hear what he is saying but I’m stubborn. I know he has better intentions than men twice his age. Yet, I want to run him through the list of flaws from my past to make sure, actually triple sure that before I let him in he won’t take me down that path again. Through out the short time I’ve know him he’s been constant with his words by supporting them with his actions. The other factor is he is 18. What the hell! I would never have any feeling for a guy younger than I then again here I am wondering could I give this kid a chance. I guess blessing don’t come in the packing you want them to. Over all C is a good guy (well except the being 18 and living @ home part) and is enjoyable to be around. However he just wants me to snap out of all the pain I’ve had and just jump blindly into his life because he tells me what I’ve waited to hear for a long time. Okay besides the fact that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is just starting out in his life, which drives me crazy. I know I can’t fault him for being young because I was once living at home going to school and working a remedial job. Yet at my age I need the stability of a man that has similar to what I have plus I need him to have some life experiences behind him. On the other hand his refreshing views on life and his coping style along with the way he communicates seems to overshadow my doubts. I want to give him a chance to go out and try again. Maybe this time might it could be really okay.

Up

Can you man up
Not in the stereotypical sense
Meaning man up of your time not your money
To protect me as if I were gold not gold plated nickel
Making sure I follow Him before following my feelings towards you
Can you man up
Not protecting me like property you own
But as a 401k that you’re investing each pay period into
To watch the investment grow and retire when the time is right
See sexual healing is nice
Buying me this and that is fine
Telling me all the words I want to hear is sufficient
But to understand, respect, and support
My values
My time
My dreams
My mind
To know that God comes first then you and I
To expand
Our mind
Our bodies
Our dreams
By showing you sincerely care like
A brother to a sister
A father to a daughter
A man to a woman
See there is more to a connection than saying
Baby I will always be there
Promising me complete pleasure with your sexual healing
Acquiring what the world determines as success and wealth
Understand that
Placing honesty above your personal feeling
By following through on your word
Not hiding behind the fact that because you’re a man
you can not communicate your thought or emotions
because "maning up" means to see out side of the box you’re so accustomed to
and know there is more to a relationship than how you relate.

Do you like me ? Do I like you?

Ah parties. As fun as they can be once you sober up the mind starts reveling what you've done. Case and point. This past Saturday I went with a few co-workers to a Christmas party one of our sales reps were having in the bay. Lots of liquor was served and we were really wasted. Okay all but two of my co-workers were wasted, the driver and another girl. The remaining 4 of us were goners. I bring this up because my supervisor, who by the way so cute, was hitting on me. Now, I think he is an attractive man but I'm not interested in him. I mean we work together and I don’t really know him well enough to be infatuated to the point of dating. Plus, I have issues I need to work through before dating.
Anycase.
As the night got later he made a comment that threw me off guard. He stated that he like the way I was wearing the dress I had on as I was getting him another beer. Then when I came back he stated that I treat him so well. Then the rest of the night it was baby this and baby that. As we were leaving I used him as support. Ok I know another drunk asking another drunk for help, eh but understand I was in4.5"heels and a dress and walking on my on would of been disastrous. So I asked my sup for help.

Ok let me stop to analyze this and say I was not sexually harassed. I know all about that from personal experience believe me that one I’m not doing again. Listen if the advances are unwanted and you say stop that is harassment. This dear was in a way wanted. We make sexual jokes a lot at work (the two of us) so maybe that is why he wanted to be close. Then again, I wanted him to be closer to me which is why I asked him for help. My devious drunk mind now has me wishing this didn’t happen.

So we walk to the car and he is totally sweet. Asking if I'm okay and if I had a good time. I get in the car and fall out. He grasps my arm and starts touching it. Ok you ask how this is possible. I am in the front seat and he is directly behind me. I lay on the arm rest he grabs my arm. I return the favor because okay 5 months of not being really touched I didn’t want it to stop. So we stop for a bathroom break. My support gets out and helps me to the bathroom. Now his arms are around me and still gently touching me. We go do the bathroom thing and as we walk back to the car, I tell him that our relationship goes back to normal on Monday. He states, whatever you want I'm fine. I’m now in the back seat and he is spread out on the seat next to me. To be nice, yes nice, I move over to give him my shoulder because he had to drive two other wasted people home and needed the time to sleep the liquor off. He then kisses my arm and wraps the other around my leg touches me in that same sensual way. Okay I am a leg, back face neck, and one other area for arousal girl. Now here I am in the back seat fighting being aroused and moving my hand in the same sensual movement up his inner thigh (ok not all the way up there). I kissed his hair once in a while. When it was time for me get out of the truck he pulled me a little closer and moaned no. Ok that’s the night.

However I see him every workday and it bugs the crap out of me because I don’t know his mind set. I think he's still cute and I just don’t want anything physical. He just got out of a relationship and I have this feeling that he is just in a physical state. Then on the other hand I just want to pretend it didn’t happen because not to much did happen between us. It was two drink people feeling the each other why should I make more out of nothing. Then again the saying goes the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Yet it was nothing and I am making it something because I am concerned about out past conversation. As I said before we joke a lot sexually so, I’m concerned that since the other co-worker ,that was sober, had made a comment to other co-workers about out "moment" in jest this could create problems in the work area to more sensitive people we work with. So here is my dilemma leave it alone and pretend I'm okay or pull him to the side to talk about the "moment" to make sure our work relationship is ok. Plus to make sure our joking in limited to between each other when there is not a lot of people near by. Ahhhh.

I had a feeling this would happen
When he kept looking at me
I knew he was looking at me
Those stolen looks when no one would pay attention
The gentle attraction between the eyes
But before we became lost in our eyes
I would look and laugh my head away
He peered from amongst the crowd to
Steal another second of my eyes
I felt his presence even when I could not
See his eyes
I knew I needed to feed my own attraction
I would come closer to feel his presence and move away
This was the game we played till it came too close
Like a hand to a flame our game would soon end
I had a feeling this would happen
But I lied and told myself I could control the
Attraction by playing a flirtatious game
Laugh and look away
But the solitary moment when
The words
The touch
The look in his eyes
For more
Caused me to
No longer play a flirt to this game
Falling in
Deeply in
I knew it was mutual but was is withstanding
This solitary moment.
See moments in solitary causes
The open moments to be different
Now
I wake to see
The real world
With those same eyes
Strong with attraction
Have calmed down
No flirtatious game
No laughing and turning away
Just
Us
Needing to work together

Who's to blame

I want to scream fu** you and your problems. You have this inability to see good when you have it and to deal with your need to come back to me when its all over and want try again. Thinking I am the same person you screwed with the first time and because I was gracious enough to forgive you twice. You, Mr. think I was the same person, well I’m not. See this is the issue when you’ve decided to change and think I am still waiting. Well, I’ve changed or so I think I have. I’m tired of being the good, patient, understanding, pleading person you knew you wanted. I was that person who sat and cared when no one else would. No, I’m not tooting my own horn I am admitting facts. Yes, I will admit I have issue, fuck it I’m human. I am the first to tell anyone that I have a good and a bad side pick a day and I’ll give you one and/or both but I am not a bull shitter. I am strait from the hip. I am pushy and I will communicate the stuff you do want to talk about. Then again why call yourself an adult and you, sir, can’t even man up to communicate to me. Yeah, I hear the voices saying maybe it me. Maybe I need to change and once I change all the crap I’m dealing with will go away. Wait while I scoff for a few seconds…. I want to agree with that psychological crap but sometimes there is an exception to the rule. I tell you I am the fing exception.
It’s like I have a banner for all the decent men who want to try being dogs to stop by and wipe their dirty feet on me. Then realize after their done o shit she was a good person let me go back and make amends to clear my mind. I could analyze this place the blame on me because that is what I would do with the maybe it's me crap but I’m not anymore because I know it’s not me. I don’t ask for much and I don’t take much. My thing is compromise and communicate because I can’t stop you from what you think you want to do. I always say if you don’t talk to me I don’t know how to help you and if you say nothing it causes bigger problems. You have issues so do I so let work on a plan to either remove them or cope with it but I am not here to make your world what you dream it will be but instead to help make it a little easier to deal with. Make sense right. I guess too new age. I mean why should there be roles (yes off of subject) to a relationship. I mean looking at the word in no way results a masculine or feminine notation to it in a sense it is asexual word. Back on subject.
Do I want to be angry and bitter? That is the tough question. I see myself slowing getting there and it’s not good. I still want to be that naïve little 18 year old who promised herself that no matter what the world does I would not be come cynical and mean spirited. Now I see, I really see that is a hard feat to accomplish when people keep knocking, spitting, and hitting in a inconspicuous kind of way. See, I wouldn’t be upset if I was being hit and I knew it…. OO no it has to be in the sly manipulative way. I’ll let her think I’m good then wham hit her with the bad news. This folk is the where the cynicism grows and the mean spirit is fostered because being honest is too easy. I just want agape and to give that in return. I don’t want agape love because agape is tangible but loving on the other hand that is a work in progress and no man matter of fact no person can give that to me only God can. I want this man to be unselfish, loyal, and to benevolent as well have concern for the good of God, me, his family, and his self. Will this happen the naïve girl in me say, yes but I guess I have to go through my anger phase first.

I want to be Mr. Right

J: Hi
Me: Hello?
J: How are you? I seen you drive past me the day before yesterday
J: You don’t like me huh?
Me: No, its not that I was in the middle of something and could not respond.
Me: Where did you see me?
J: Going down by Carol Miller.
Me: Ok, now who is this?
Me: I guess I don’t get an answer.
J: J
J: Can I see you? I promise no funny business.
Me: No. You made your feelings clear the last time we met. I really believed that when you came back from NY you would have changed. I guess those were lines. I mean why? You really don’t care about me.
J: It’s J
Me: I know who you are now and what I sent stands.
J: I do and I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m serious.
Me: J, I’m tired. I’ve been hurt too many times by you and this time I really don’t trust you. I forgive you for your actions, but I can’t see me trying again. This last time you really hurt me. I actually cried on the way home because I was so hurt. I don’t want this feeling any more. I have come to equate pain with you. I just came to the realization that I was nothing more that a fu**. When you were in the mood you’d call
J: I have been thinking about you and I want to change. I want you to be my girl for sure and no bs.
J: You’re a good lady. I realized that I want you to have the best and I want to give that you if you let me
Me: I’m tired of lines. I just don’t need this. I can’t take hearing you say; again, you seriously want me. I’ve come to the point that I just don’t want a relationship. I gave up. I mean if you tried, your really, tried because you wanted me you would not have waited this long.J: Can you come over so we can talk? I promise just talk.
J: I want to do right by you. Can we just talk in person? Just give me 15min.
Me (over phone): You can talk to me this way. I’m not coming in person.
J: You don’t want a relationship with me
Me: No. I gave up on us J. I got tired of being hurt by you more that once.
J: I only did it once.
Me: It was three times. I know. When you getting you’re a** kicked you know how many times it’s getting kicked. When you’re on the giving end it’s easy for you to forget.
J: I just want to start over
Me: I just don’t want to. I don’t care anymore. I mean again why you did wait so long. If you want something you fight for it. I mean you promised me when you came back you’d change. you came back and it was the same sh** all over again. You didn’t even try with me. You just went back to treating me the same. You treated me as if I had to fight to win you back like it was my job to show you I cared. That wasn’t the case. You were supposed to be fighting for me showing me I needed to stay and you let me leave. This wasn’t fair.
J: I guess. I wanted to give you time. I know why you get mad you need time.
Me: I didn’t need time I need you to be different.
J: whatever
Me: What do you want me to say J?! I mean that I want to try again, that I will run into your arms and it’s going to be okay. No, I can’t say that. I don’t want a relationship and you’re unwilling to try. I’m done (hang up)
J (calling back): Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes, because we were done. What more could be said. I mean honestly I am leaving in 7 months. I can’t not give you a relationship because of that. Thanks for texing and I wish you the best. Good night (hang up)


What is this the let’s trying again? I swear when I give up and throw in the towel. All the people who should have cared about me before come into the picture. They want to try again, they want to be the man they could not of been, and now realize I was right all along. It’s frustrating to open wounds that were closed because he decided he wants to be Mr. Right. It’s wrong and unfair to put someone through this. I woke up depressed and evaluating myself. I wondered what’s wrong with me that he couldn’t get it right the first three times, matter of fact the first time. I feel like the kid being picked last for the kick ball team. I know I have great talent and every time kickball is played the team I’m on is shocked that I can play but each time a game is started I’m still picked last. This is a defeate3d feeling and I hate it. I moved on I grew from the circumstances and now here I am dealing with what I thought was done in my mind. Now I see I really never healed I just compressed the issue and put it on the back burner. Now, I need to deal with my feeling and I don’t want to. It’s so difficult and I hate crying because that’s what I’ll do. Plus I'm scared to dig that deep because I really don’t trust anyone that much to help dig me out. To sit and watch me completely break down and have to rebuild. It’s a nothing feeling I don’t like to have. Being vulnerable and emotional in front of other people. Yet coping alone is worse now that I know better. Yet trusting people is really hard when I keep getting hurt. I know deep down in side what I said to him was right and fair .But to let go of a person I really wanted to be with is hard. Then to top it off with seeing a familiar pattern is driving me crazy.

Direct approch, not working

M: Come on now baby how me and you going to get some where if we can be for each other
M: I should not have to twist your arm for you to tell something heavy on your mind

Me: I’m not asking you to twist my arm. When I am ready to talk I’ll talk. I said that I can not talk to you now because I am at work but you didn’t read that and kept on texting what you wanted to.
M: And I’m sick of waiting for you to get ready to do something to bring us closer.

Me: You know what, if you respected or understood me then you have made your decision by your comment. I am not going to jump to what you want when I have clearly explained previously my stance. You want what I can not at this point give. Yet you push it’s driving me crazy. you’re a good person and if my timing was right Id say yes but im not going to appease your needs because you say what you believe you are and I am supposed to run into your arms and believe it’s going to be ok. No I do not operate let that any more. I’ve learned that running before assessing the weather causes issues for both people. I’d rather worth through my sh** and be a better person for whom ever I marry because dating the way I have been for the last 6 years isn’t working. I have begun to recognize the start the middle and the ending because I have been constantly going through it. Every 1 has lines and as sincere as they appear to be I must pray and wait on God. Since He hasn’t told me to move so I stand. Look what ever you see in me is nice and I need to first believe in you and 2 believe your words.

M: Well what do you want me to tell you? Sounds like your only thinking about yourself, what about my needs as a man who is trying to be your man.

Me: I mean who I to think about am. I am single there are two things to think about me and God. Your asking me to buy a car with out researching it, driving it , making sure it fits into my budget, making sure I want to drive it five years from now and ect. Come on, this same principal applies to a potential mate. If you can not understand my stance, fine. I see your point and I empathize with you but I will not change my mind.

M: You are tripping and will be waiting forever. I am a strong man but not that strong


Me: That’s what you believe and to prevent torturing you and hearing these remarks on a constant basis I don’t what you talking to me. Strength is consistent no matter what.

M: No its not you are going off your pass relationships
M: Well I don’t know what to tell you. Im a good man and I want to be good to you but it’s tiring to make you see that.

Me: I never said you were a bad person and I told you have hang ups. Well again let me give you your rest by giving you the freedom to pursue a woman who can give you what it is you need/want.

M: I need you in every way
M: I need bay cant you understand that
M: No problem but I don’t need you to give me anything you’re tripping

Me: Apparently I do because you fail to even empathize with my stance and grow patience and
when you claimed that you did it was a façade. Why, because here we are again having a conversation you told me you were going to give me patience on. You’ve proved my point exactly. I understand you have needs but to ask a person who has hang ups to jump into something is crazy. You see, you want, and you think you must have now, yet when I have been trying to tell you logically why you can’t pursue and to wait an issue arises because you’re a man who has needs. Can’t you see beyond your needs enough to know that to get product you have to wait for the right season for it to grow. That means while you’re waiting you need to nurture and mature that produce tree. Nope you won’t because you see with short vision and that will not acquire anything till you do. I needed to tell you to move on because you will not understand me as you claim you have been.

M: no I can’t
M: From you
M: I already have

I can see from my own side that maybe M has a valid point. I have also gained a sense of insight to the root of my problems, yet I refuse to take the blame on this one. Before I dive into this let me trail back to what happened here. We meet on an online community and exchanged yahoo msgr id’s. M seemed like a nice person with cool qualities until he let his “right now” emotions take the best of him. I guess he assumed that because my profile included what I was looking for (mind you it was not the right now but in the future) he assumed that I was looking for a relationship. In my profile I never implied that I needed to be with anyone (even though deep down inside I do), because I knew I was not ready. From the first conversation it clear we were going to be friends. I express why, he pushed for more. They type of conversation for that last week has become our “dance”. The more he brought it up the more of a broken record I have been come. It has come to the point that his text message, calls, and im’s are annoying me. Mind you I have told him this has started to bother me and to stop but has it, nope. So this am I get a hello how are you text. I tell him I have been thinking and this is the rest of the story. Even after it ends he’s back trying again. Now I am stuck trying to get rid of him. yeah I know the typical ignore method doesn’t work for me because I hate being ignored and can not bring myself to do it to someone else. Gosh can some people take a direct approach.

Here I go again

I look of life occasionally and replay large moments in my life. I analyze why, how, what, who, when, and try to understand myself in those moments. Sometimes I may beat myself up for what I’ve done but when it’s all over I learn something new about myself. I see myself in a different perspective and I move on from it. Not everyday of my waking life am I looking in the past to live in my past or recreate my past but to figure out how to make me a better me. I mainly do this when I see my self repeating a pattern I thought I had given up. I have been , honestly, I don’t know what the hell to call what I’ve been doing but I wills ay I have been distracted. I started talking to S for about a month now, here in lies the distraction, and I feel that I am becoming displaced. I am becoming comfortable in my past which is my present. I know we are not compatible, okay unless he grows some personally heh maybe and we see the world completely different. I’m an emotional tell all talker and he is quiet annoying non communicative and aloof. Okay I’m being unfair by portraying myself as better than him it’s just that right now he is driving me crazy and the negative stuff is coming out( o I could have said more but I’m not going to). Really, he’s a sweet guy and shows his self very differently to what I am accustomed to. I’m used to open communication and discussing issues (mainly mine) till we have a common ground but with S it is not like that. If I don’t bring it up we will never ever never ever talk about it .This frustrates me because I need to know before circumstance become unbearable. I mean why live, life holding onto crap that can be released. Think about it the only reason people hold on to crap is fear of rejection, to feel so open, to have loss of control and not know how the recipient of the info will react to your info.

Well bull because the same thing can happen if you say nothing, ironic huh. I had to learn that lesson the hard way and it’s nothing to write home abut. Any who before I started talking to S again, yes, I restarted us talking. Why I am still trying to understand. I think it was me being sick of being alone and he responded back. Aurgh... I have now learned I can not do the alone thing for very long. It’s hard (I know who said life was easier but then gain who said it had to be so hard.) I really became a loaner. I was into my spirituality, music, art, and sound then after this was done it was me. Me alone is ok for short periods but for months on end. O just shoot me. So of course I jumped on the talk to S for a short time bandwagon. Now I can’t pull myself out. I am seeing my much focused life become pulled between being there for him and being there for me (God too). The sad part is I like him but I really don’t love him anymore. I like having a person near by but I want it on my terms. I hang out with him and my body is there but my mind is not. It’s like being depressed. You know you’re depressed but you cant nor will you pull yourself out because in a way things make way more sense in a depressed hole than it does in the life outside of it. Am I comparing my current situation to a depressed hole, naw, but it shows how wanting to be paid attention to (no I don’t need to be love I need attention) can drive a person to get out of sticky situation. I don’t want him as a lover more like a friend I can hug twice a day (ah a teddy bear a live one hahaha) but all the shit that comes with it is driving me crazy.

So here I am a contradiction to my own advice of not holding on to stuff and letting it go.

Not Dating .

Some of the poem’s wording might seem old-fashioned, but the message is timeless.

A Woman’s Question
By Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing?
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman’s heart, and a woman’s life -----
And a woman’s wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might as for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman’s soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt are whole;
I require your heart be true as God’s stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a fare greater thing;
A seamstress you’re wanting for socks and shirts---
I look for a man and a king.

A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God.
Shall look upon as he did on the first
And say: “It is very good.”

I am fair and young, but the rose my fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then ‘mid the falling leaves,
As you did ‘mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this , a laundress and cook
You can hire and little to pay
But a woman’s’ hear and a woman’s life
Are not to be won that way.


I read this poem in the book I have been reading " I kissed Dating Goodbye" By Joshua Harris and this poem stuck out to me so much because it covers how I want the first step into talking about marriage with any future mate. I have notices since I am no longer looking for a mate my life has been come easier to bear. Loneliness occurs at times but always I am happy waiting for the right man to show up. It's crazy to tell people I'm not dating anymore because I'm waiting to hear from God what my next move will be , yet at the same time it's very comforting. I've found this peace not worry who will be my next love ( to turn into the ex-love) The round abut circle has begun to leave it's scars and I don’t want to carry those into my future long term relationship because it's not fair to my mate nor is it fair to myself. I went on this change after I ended things with L because I was seeing a pattern and the promise I made myself when I turned 18 .


I promised myself that no matter who hurt me I would never take it out on other people that my past relationship are my past nor would I grow up to be a bitter woman who holds on to past hurts and drugs them up each time a new relationship comes up. I’m noticing that I am taking the hurt I have experienced and I am starting to hold on to it. I'm starting to become afraid to love and trust because I don't want to end up hurting. I am becoming bitter because love has not ended up like I always hoped. So I used the old saying , if there is a problem with people first look at you to fix it.

This change in relationships has shown me that I am not ready to be married let alone have a boyfriend because the small issues are still in the progress of being worked out. It would be nice to be in love with the right one but if the timing is wrong the relationship is wrong. I know that when my life is right then love will be right because no person needs to deal with past baggage to enjoy love.

Finding

Ever get the chance to do something over again? The questions are different now that you have the chance to do the something over again. New found feelings arise now that the chance has come again. Only difference is that there is action in stead of blind faith. The I wish I shoulda coulda woulda’s have disappeared to the I hope I cant I won’t I don’t knows . It’s frustrating to have the second chance but have second guesses. I assume it’s a part of life.

I have a second chance with an old bf but I don’t want to rush into it because I am learning that dating equates short term. I want the next relationship I am in to end in marriage. I have promised myself no more long term hopes build in a short term shelter that is called dating. This new concept sounds nice

But...
My body and emotion, my words and my reaction show completely different. I will take a moment to justify my current actions. He brings back that spark, a light a glowing amber of what I want in a life time partner but I know that I have, we have, changed from adolescents to adults. However, I want to dive into this feeling in my old fashion and throw change out of the window. I haven’t had this feeling since we were together and I have been trying to substitute it since. This is why I want to jump into this blindly and let my hopes and wants take over. I want this feeling to be with me all my life ( that I have left) To constantly have him and God on my mind , to constantly be a child in “love” and having naive views of the world around me while always focusing on my inner world.

But….
I have resolved from this point onward to act in this manor: this man is my friend and that I would see him as nothing more till I am told other wise. I am realizing that the pursuit of my wants and right now needs end up hurting each time. It took me a while to realize, well actually when I was dealing with L, that my own unhappiness was self created. The reason why, I destroyed a possibly good person and possible long term relationship because I was not patient. Dang, I was hoping this would move at a faster pace but I will wait.

Now….
Shit has happened. I’ve said too much (as usual) I just don’t understand. I know I’ve said too much. I took something and blew it out of proportion. On the other hand if I said nothing and playfully; joked along then it could have been perceived that I agree with what was stated. I don’t and I never will again agree with being the shadow. The mysterious one lurking in the background hoping things will change. I’ve said to much and now the feeling I have a confusing. They hurt... it makes me wish I never felt this way to just accept the second change as a blessing and read nothing into it because it would have eliminated me from being an ass again. I look at the phone and hope. I try to find things to do with my time but the soft reminder of that voice just makes it seem pointless. All I want to know is that it will be okay yet I am proud that I said something instead of nothing.

Now…
I just want to know. I hate the waiting part after words have been spoken that could end or strengthen. I just hate when I say too much and the person says nothing in return. It is agonizing not to know anything. I prefer being yelled at than to hear nothing. I want to give space I want to have this will of this person at their own accord not me forcing or pushing the subject. I’m impatient I want to know now … *sigh* I’ll leave it alone and let it come when it will. I pack up the bundle of emotions the momentary joys and save it for another opportune moment for another opportune person. It’s a waste to wait on one when one times a million are what my chances on finding the right one could be. I want to quit finding others who are attached and feel that it’s okay to have an extra piece of cake. So alone I’ll wait till God places the right in my left.

Pain

Never, for any reason on earth, could you wish for an increase of pain. Of pain you could wish only one thing: that it should stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain there are no heroes, no heroes, he thought over and over as he writhed on the floor, clutching uselessly at his disabled left arm."
-Chapter 3 Section 1 of 1984

I was on line at wikipedia.com just going through the quote section and there it was my favorite quote out of the book 1984. When I first read the book (as well as the second and third time) this quote always stuck out to me. Stuck out so much that it made me laugh. Now does this mean I have a morbid sense of humor, at times, yeah. Yet, when I look over the last few months, I said over and over again that I wanted this pain to stop. To think , I call my self independent , strong will , and free spirited but pain ,like Winston holding his arm, is disabling. However it takes a lot to move from the pain or embrace the pain to allow it to transform you.
The transformation either good or bad is what the cliché saying what doesnt kill you makes you stronger could originate from. I dont agree with the cliché , but I can understand the point its trying to make. Why, I dont agree with the saying is that sometimes pain doesnt bring strength sometimes it brings a new light to a person. A once happy and energetic person could become cautious and cynical, now does that equate strength. I guess it could depend on what a persons understanding of the word strength is. Thats the unpredictable thing about clichés the meanings do not transform or define all situations in the sense that stereotypes do not accurately describe people/race.
All of the pain that occurs in life , it would be wrong of me to state there has not been any positive changes or a new insight to my life. On the other hand , I needed to voice that the positive notion is not always the true notion . Not everyone is going to follow lead and grow for the best from every negative outcome, yet that is the preconceived notion thats thrown around especially in American culture. Its your right to buck up and move one to quit dwelling and move on yet no one tells people how to engage pain or educate people that pain is a natural part of life. Yes, everyone goes a painful part of life but it dose not make anyone weak instead it evokes change.
Which is why, in the face of pain there are no heroes? Keep this in mind the next time a painful situation arises that each of us are not alone in being the victim to pain however how we allow this pain to mold our life, that is a different story.

Filling Space

I will be updating my writing soon but thanks to all of you who have responded. Also, to those I have not responded, I will soon. I have been putting up quotes on my desk lately to show what I am feeling or thinking without actually saying it. I have decided to put these up in the mean time.
I have found truth that in others words your emotions are well spoken sometimes.



“Affectation of candour is common enough— one meets with it everywhere. But to be candid without ostentation or design— to take the good of everybody's character and make it still better, and say nothing of the bad— belongs to you alone.”

- Elisabeth to Jane in Chapter 4 of Pride and Prejudice

Not to insult any ones intelligence but some of the words I didn’t know or remember the meaning, so I will give them to you

Affectation: noun: a. The act of taking on or displaying behavior no natural to oneself or not genuinely felt b. speech or conduct not natural to oneself
Candour: candor: noun: 2. freedom from prejudice or malice 4. Unreserved honest or sincere expression
Ostentation: noun: 1. excessive display

“You preferred to be a lunatic, a minority of one. Only the disciplined mind can see reality, Winston. You believe that reality is something objective, external, existing in its own right. You also believe that the nature of reality is self evident. When you delude yourself into thinking that you see something, you assume that everyone else sees the same thing as you. But I tell you Winston, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in the mind of the party, which is collective and immortal. Whatever the party holds to be truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of the Party. That is the fact that you have got to re-learn, Winston. It needs an act of self destruction, an effort of the will. You must humble yourself before you can become sane. “
- O’Brien to Winston in Chapter 3 Section 2 of 1984

“I think television has betrayed the meaning of democratic speech, adding visual chaos to the confusion of voices. What role does silence have in all this noise? “
- [on Television], A Fellini Lexicon, Edited by Damian Pettigrew (ABRAMS, 2003)

Doomer

Life is a test of how well I can handle the sudden ups and downs, only thing is there is no grade at the end of the test giving feedback as to how well or poorly I’ve passed. -Me

The last few months have been pretty odd, yeah; odd that’s the word I’ll use to encapsulate my feelings. My uncle died, then my best friend husband died, and now my uncle died. However each of these deaths is different, my uncle died in a freak car accident, my best friend’s husband died from jumping off of the freeway over pass while od’ing and my uncle died of AIDS. Then add on top of this my own personal issues and growth equals a possible breakdown, which really frightens me.

I will get to why this frightens me in a moment.

I’m not much of a griever but instead I will focus on many tasks to keep my mind off of the fact that a person has died or left my life. The reason being is: why focus so much on a person leaving when I could focus on moving forward with my life? Why cry and mop about over the fact that a person has left? I think the answer to that; it is pointless. I mean, really, life has a cycle and we all one day will have to play the part.
Now, do not mistake my view on grief as I am heartless and inconsiderate. I don’t want to grieve over a person who can no longer hear my words about them to them. They are dead and that is the way it is but to sit and loose my marbles over what I knew was going to happen is making matters worse.
Because of my indifferent reaction to death causes this question to arise: what if my immediate family died of a murder and I was the suspect?
I don’t mourn the way a “normal” person would in American society thus I would be guilty of the crime because I would not respond in the typical manor. Which I don’t think is justified. It’s like people want you to react and act in a manor that would be pleasing to them which will equate my “respect” to the dead. Yet, if I respond in the typical fashion then I am looked at as if I am ok.
Anywho, I am going to get off of that soap box and explain why I would be frightened of a break down.
Around the August before September 11 I had a break down. I lost my job, I was raped ,attempted raped, sexually harassed, and had to move back to my dad’s home... which going back there was not the first choice but the only choice. The whole month I started living there I was being pressured to find a job or go into the military by him. I knew I was working my ass of to change my current situation because I did not want to live back with him either ( quick rundown of history :old fashion stern short tempered yet loving father meets young recently turned adult who wanted to experience life you put the two together. Ah yes the good ol’ oil and water analogy) but I needed a place to live till I was back on my feet. One morning he told me that I had 2 weeks to find a job or off to the man’s army I go. Well that was the straw that broke the camels back.
I decided since nothing right was going in my life, I was a failure, and everything that was happening to me was my fault equated suicide. Was that the brightest idea looking back, no, but at that particular moment yes. (Sorry for giving the Reader’s Digest version of my break down but I want to make my point soon) So I made a prescription cocktail, by researching the drugs and the effect on line, once I found a combination I liked I made the cocktail and decided to” checkout” but before I collapsed I called my mentor. I told my mentor what I did, asked her to tell everyone I was sorry and passed out.

Why I say all of this is that I feel that same sort of pressure now. Whoa... I’m not going to “check out” again because I am aware of my depressive moods and I talk to people now, but knowing that I could go there is frightening. Every day I wake up I have to remind myself that I have a reason to be here and cheating out by checking out is not justified.

Yes, I was very young and never did learn how to cope with stress or really felt comfortable talking to anyone about what was going on with me. I always frowned on telling people what was wrong with me because I saw it as a weakness a form of manipulation that could be later used to hurt or confine me. (Now, don’t ask how a 16yro kid came up with this idea that formulated her early adult life but she, as in I, did.)

Ah-ha then again that could be why I’m indifferent to death because I tried to send myself on a one way ticket there and people I hadn’t talk to in ages all of a sudden cared. They wanted to tell me things that they should have said and treat me like a kid in a glass case. That’s not the point of death is to cry an mourn of the what I should of said but instead pause, remember who they

It’s frightening to know that I have to stop myself from my other self to enjoy life. This is why people wonder why I am happy most of the time it’s because if I let my self go into sadness I can’t pull myself out.
Sadness is moments that I may shed a tear ponder for a moment or three realize there is nothing I can do the change the current situation to move on to right now the new issues at hand. To live a lie in sadness only creates a madding effect of emotions non- controlled as a bottomless black pit. Clawing to free ones self to the light.

I know my message was a bit depressing but overall I am fine. I know that to I need to talk and let my feeling free. I no longer bottle up what is going on nor do I dwell in what I can not change. Yet sometimes it’s a little okay for me to have sadness but I’ll get over it in a month. Normality here I go 

Thanks

Some you have been posting message on my site for a while and may have wondered 1) why they are not showing up and 2 ) why I have not responded.

Well , thanks to F (http://fredcharles.wordpress.com), I have found out that I have had my comment moderated. Hell, I didn't know + I did not have the comment coming to my email at all.

Honestly, I was not being rude just a ditzoid,

So now, whew, all of your messages have come to me ,at last! As well , the messages are now are showing on my webpage. Yes, yes I will respond to all the message ( Just don't expect anytime this week or next week).

Thank you so much for taking time out to read and comment on my page!!!

Special thank you (s) to F for giving me the heads up or I would have gone months more with out responding. !!!

Nykki
I'll try to be more consistent with the look of the page. I see pretty stuff and start adding it. I have a short span to keeping things it goes in this fashion: I like I play I keep I toss. Sad but me .I think I need to work my consistency, a lot of the time I'm al over the map. Eh that's a new story there me being consistent *scoffs at own suggestion* Wish me luck on that one.



The most we ask of life is to be appreciated. Then ask yourself do you appreciate yourself? Then why ask to be appreciated if you can not do that to oneself.

You Have the Power

You have the power to set yourself free of negative
Thought patterns and behaviors. You have the power to imagine the best for yourself and your world, and then to immediately take steps in that direction.

You have the power to rise above the meaningless, petty distractions that can waste so much time and steal so much energy. You have the power to fill your moments, your life and your awareness with the things that have real and lasting meaning.

You have the power to be your best no matter what the circumstance. You have the power to move forward no matter what setbacks or obstacles may block your path.

You have the power to live true to your highest vision of how life can be. You have the power to follow and to reach the dreams of your choosing.

You have all this power because you have the choice. In each moment, you can choose independent of all other factors, what to think, what to say, and what to do and who to be.

Though it is a serious responsibility, it is also the most magnificent opportunity anyone could ever imagine. For you have the choice, and the power, to truly and to fully live.

-- Ralph Marston

I saw this poem at the end of an email I received today. At first, I overlooked it because I thought it was on of those meaningless tags that a lot of people put at the end of their emails; you know, keep smiling because there is blue skies ahead crap. However I needed some info so I pulled the email out of my garbage section and read it again, this time the poem caught my attention (I guess that is what it was supposed to do.) Then I read it three times. I really don’t know why I needed to read it three time ;but, I guess, I wanted to make sure the message it was giving was what I was understood it to be. Which coincides with situations and people that have been “popping” into my life lately that he really been testing me to stay the course with my life changes. (Maybe another time I’ll deluge but not now) Eh, I think I really needed to be reminded that I have a choice in what ever actions I take.

Women as friends

I've wondering why women have issues making new friends.
The last few months I have been trying to make new friends with any female.
I don’t know what it is about the inability to just walk up to a girl and say, hello.
Even if I was to tell her that her style is nice and try to engage in a conversation I am being treated as if I am a lesbian, which is not the case at all.
I just want a relationship that I see on most all female shows i.e. girlfriends or sex in the city however it's just not possible. Maybe it’s because some women don’t like other women.
Think about it when two women walk by, one say hello and the other acts as if it is beneath them to respond back.
To simply have kindness between each other even though they are not in the same "click”.
Or the confusion with my kindness as a come on. I know its ruff out thee is the world and it’s hard to trust another person but how will you know unless an effort is placed,
It’s been a while since I’ve heard someone say “You know like that is my girl from way back, someone I can really depend on”.
I am not trying to be like the others take you man and talk about you behind your back yet that seems to be the main reason why women can be friends, the misconceptions we have created about ourselves which stops us from helping each other as a collective.

Listen

Ah midway to 50 years old. It’s at this point that may attributes good or bad are set in stone and to make changes for improvement are slim to none. Many times it takes a life taking circumstance to change the good or bad attributes to improve lifestyle.

Since S and I have ended our relationship, it has been very hard to just pick up the pieces and move on. I thought I had done so with L but I have realized that with L I can have what I truly believe I deserve as a women and a person. L believes in traditional women and men roles where as I believe that these roles are unisex (with the exception to the obvious physical aspects which are not unisex). I tried to hold on to L because I just don’t want to be alone and he has some really good traits but just knowing if push comes to shove he could become abusive and demanding because of his ideas. I know I can’t settle and I won’t settle yet dating is so hard when for me it has come so easily. It is always the fight of settle or moves on to adapt or manipulate. Why do I say this? Well I just left L’s home and I was trying to convey that I don’t think I could keep fighting for him. Just maybe see that his belief in tradition is unfair to woman. To let him know, I care but to make such a sacrifice is not beneficial to both parties. As well, the only reason I am hanging on is in fear of being a lone and to see what I really am made of in my own space. Sad to know this is why I am hanging on but true. I will let him know tomorrow but tonight I was going to tell him.

Guess what happened?

L brushed off what I was going to say because he heard one word and decided I was drugging up the past. I hate being brushed off. Just because I say something that you may not like to hear in the midst of a conversation does not justify a “brush off”. I mean listen to what I have to say and then make a point. I can’t conteou to be with a person because I don’t want to be alone and I will not settle because the majority outweighs a small problem that could get worse with time. However I have learned a lesson and I have gained insight to how a woman can become drawn into an abusive relationship. Yet at the same time I could not have sympathy because the signs are there before hand. I am reading the writing on the wall and it is telling me to run and never look back.

On the other hand, I saw S at the store up the street from my apt. Well, he works there. He text msg me to let me know he saw me and to say hello. Those messages brought up so many, I thought were dead, feelings. Anycase, as the conversation carries on, I tell S that I don’t believe God told him to break up with me because God would not tell a man to leave a woman that is having issues understanding His will.
S in turn defended his stance and told me something that gave me insight hat it was not God’s choice but his.

S states that after a specific service I told him that I did not appreciate the pastor telling the church to praise God as well as that church was not a huge factor for me. I told him that I think it was the pastor creating the praise to God and not the people. I expressed to him that organized religion tells it’s members they are not praising God well enough to their standards when in turn it is not any man or woman’s to tell people how to praise God. I told S that is the issues I had with organized religion that people in leadership roles take it upon themselves to take God’s place. I told him about the scripture in Psalm (“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye lands to come into His presence with thanks giving knowing that He the Lord is God.”) S goes into that it is the responsibility of the man of God to do that for his people. I knew trying to explain my view would be against the word of God so I left it alone. Yet I had issues with him stating that church was not a part of my life.
I told him that it always was but I was going through a stage in my life that I needed to know why I believed in a religion. I mean I grew up in church and that was all I was indoctrinated with then to find out other information cause me to wonder why. On the flip side I did not go into detail because it was a text message, which is why I think I really want to talk to S again it is to get my point across to really have closure with him. On the other hand, I really want him back in my life. This was the one many, beside N, that I felt like myself with and I truly loved and that I did not need to play a role with. I knew that S was my partner not my “parent” and that we were always growing. I was valued and validated as well as supported and cherished. Even in the short time that I knew S we connected well. When I first met him it was like we were picking up from where we left off.

I just want him to see that I am progressing to become the Christian God wants me to become. That maybe God was showing S that he was to help me in my journey not shuns me away because I was not conforming. Then again maybe the break up gave me this opportunity to get over the n fear of why I believe in my faith. That I need to know for my self not force why I believe in God, I am not doing this for S but for myself. I just want him to know of my progress.

The best way to persuade is with your ears. - Dean Rusk

Another

I’ve been the other woman for a month now.
There are moments that I forget he loves her and appreciates me.
During the moments of time that I think are mine always mine
Are only to be intruded by her because she is the queen in the full house of cards.
I am the joker that is placed haphazardly in the deck
All the while I know this wrong but I am assured that it’s okay to be the other one.
I believed when he said I wish I met you sooner.
When he’s on the phone telling her his longing lover for her
When I voice a concern that I am human and I am becoming attached
That he needs to choose sides.
I’m brushed off because I am here with him more that she is
So why bitch and complain
Just wait till she decides it’s over between her and me
Wait till its over between her and me. That’s what I am supposed to do
Am I that desperate to have someone at my side?
Doing the things
I have never had inside even out side
To look in the mirror and know I am last in his mind
To look in the mirror and know I am second to another
Is this what I am the other woman to any man
When did a become so low to be the other woman to a man
Standing, facing, and calling out my concern
Fighting for what was never mine
Crying as if it was me he was cheating on
Hearing the voice inside reminding me
I’m the other women
I justify my lie
Because I am human and need what he’s offering
Becoming attached to an attached man
Is truly that bad
Telling him and lying to myself that I am the new replacement
Only to hear
I am selfish hormonal and cruel
To make him decide who he cares for more inside even outside
Being insulted with an excuse as to why he can’t hurt her inside even outside
But really hearing
I lover her
You are convenient
And I am never leaving unless she finds out and dumps my ass
Realizing that I am
Demoralizing myself because of what he does
Inside
Outside
Emotional
Financial
For me
Justifying the lie
Because no other man I have met has done the same
Creating the action to
Leave him because I know he’ll never become mine
All the while
Sitting silently as I play the other woman for a month now.

Inflammatory Breast Cancer

I was surfing the web and came across a newscast from Washington. This newscast was about IBC. What is IBC? Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
This form of cancer is a second type of cancer that is not spoken about and many times misdiagnosed as a bug bite on the breast because the symptoms are similar. I saw the newscast and thought that I should try to alert other women there about this form of cancer.

Some of the symptoms of IBC are
Enlarged breast
Rapid breast growth
Inverted nipple
The breast is hot to the touch
Constant Itching
Redness

How IBC can be detected by your doctor
MRI
Biopsy

Please click here for the newscast:
http://www.komotv.com/news/story.asp?ID=43313

I'm new to the area

I don’t understand the events that have recently occurred in my life. I could call it a sign or a warning, but at this point both of the words seemingly work.
On last Friday, I went to Wal-Mart to meet with a friend, who works at Wal-Mart, to talk. The reason for our meeting was he wanted to date again and I needed to tell him face to face that I do not want to date him. Also, I came with another intent which was to truly forgive J for his misdeed towards me. I told J I have forgiven him, yet I have not forgiven him because 1) he allows me to keep punishing him 2) I keep reliving the pain by not trusting his sincere attempt to correct the wrong he did. The reason for “re-forgiving” J was recently I learned to forgive in a new definition. The definition I acquired for forgiveness is that I need to let go and stop the unnecessary punishment of myself or the other person. After, understanding forgiveness in this manor I knew I needed to apply what I had learned on J.
Oddly, as I was walking into Wal-Mart, a seemingly nice guy smiles towards me and says hello. I respond back and keep walking into the store. While walking in the isle I “bump” into him again and he ask “Do, you know how to cook?” Ok, now I was going to respond in my usually sarcastic manor but the sincerity in his voice caused me to reply to him kindly. As I replied, “A little bit”, J walks directly in front of us. I look towards his face hoping he would say something, instead he walks off. I brushed it off because I knew he was at work and may not have the ability to stop and speak to me.
The guy who is talking to me is still yapping away about pots and food. I turn to him and say” Well, the pots and pan are in the opposite direction. Plus I am here to get a few toiletries. It was nice talking to you.” Once I said this his expression seemed like a deflated balloon but that was only for a moment until he said, “I’m new to the area, from Atlanta, and I’m tired of doing things alone. You look like a nice person and I’d like to get to know you. Why don’t you just finish your shopping, and I might run into you again at the checkout counter when you’re done.” I felt bad for being so tart towards him, but I knew I could not meet another person and end up the way I have been lately. However I was intrigued by his slight accent 1) because it’s not an Atlanta accent and 2) I like dialects( accents) .So I asked him, “ You’re not from the States originally?” He responds, “I’ve been here for over 9 years. How did you know I was not form the Sates?” I explained to him that most people from Georgia drag the middle and end of the letters in their words and his are very precise .As well, there is a bit of a British sound to his speech which concluded for me that he was not an American. He tells me, “I’m from South Africa.” I respond to him, “Well, I’m glad you didn’t loose your accent.” He laughs and I walk away.
I continue to shop and call j to see where he was so that I could talk to him. However he does not answer nor responds to my text messages. I finished my shopping and headed to self check out. Which I don’t understand how the self-checkout moves slower than the assisted check-out. I think they should get rid of those darn machines and add more cashiers and teach them to work the machines more efficiently. Okay off of that subject. while I am standing in line, unknown man sees me and we begin talking again. I think I kept talking to him because he really seems sincere and an actual down to earth person. Not the ones who say they are down to earth and they are far from easy going. As we kept talking his free spirited, charming, and friendly nature started to win me over. I think it was the fact the he used the "I’m new to the area" line caused me to become a little nicer to him which allowed me to “won” over. Some people I know what it’s like to be in new surrounding and not have any one there they know. I just could not try to become friendly to people in that situation. As, were talking he ask, “Would you like to join me for dinner somewhere?” Err… that type of question I thought only happened in movies, you know .guy just meets girl slight interest in each other. guy asks girl right at that moment to go to dinner. Anywho, I agreed to go with him (in my car and his obviously) Dinner was nice, even though they were closing in 15 min. I know this may sound cliché but we spoke as if we were old friends catching up. Now that I look back the whole time we spoke to each other it was that say cliché ‘we’ve know each other for ever’ feeling. Since then we have kept in touch often and it’s nice to have a guy that is not after one thing or his personal ambitions but I will keep a cautious eye on him.

All Grown Up?

It is really hard to admit when what a person wants is not really what they wanted. As oddly phrased as the sentence is I know what I am conveying. There is a point in life that the road which is being traveled on that is comfortable is no longer is. Now this road, that was comforting, is now foreign and new because now the traveler wants to go a new direction and the road he/she is on is not the path to get there. I mean we as people, or maybe just me, have these moments when change is unforeseen. I say unforeseen because I thought I have been making a lot of progressive change. Changes I thought were to help me become the person I thought I want to become. To realize that maybe the changes I thought I wanted I don’t. I was changing because I am getting older and the way I was living I knew I could not continuo to do going into my 30s. I suppose a pre mid life crisis but in this case I am not trying to relive some glory years that I missed but becoming a “rounded” adult. Which by the way what is really become “all grown up” about? I have not yet grasped the concept of being an adult.

This is why I started making a lot of the changes to my persona and how I reacted to the world around me. As a child all I can remember was my parents and older figures telling me,” One day child you are going to have to grow up and place childish behavior behind you.” Here I am at 24 about to become 25 in a month and I have no clue what grown up is all about. I mean I have to go to work and I have financial obligations, however I did not picture this as becoming “grown up”. Yes, at time I say and do things that would do at the age of 16. Yet, these reactions and or action part of who I am? Does this determine that I am not an adult? I mean the notion of becoming emotionally attached from stressful situation, to have finical security, to have the love of my life, to have kids, to work at a job that is my career and be happy there, have extra activities to fill my time out of work, and a crap load of friends equate to the being an adult and not a child.

I mean is this what I am supposed to live up to? These socially acceptable ideas of being an adult, I am to be educated, domesticated, loved by all, help all, become secure, and just to have the seal of adulthood approval. This is an overwhelming burden. I think this is why I am frustrated and depressed about. That I am not living up to predestined ideas that are placed before me in the “time frame” that I am supposed to.

Look at me I’m 24 and I am renting an apartment. I have one friend that I am closed to and the other friend is my sister. I work full time to hopefully support myself and go to school. This, school by the way, is killing me. I try to save. I try to keep in good health. All the while wondering, is this the adult life I am supposed to have? Now, don’t get me wrong I have had opportunities to do other things and I closed the door just now to realize that I should of could of would have. However at this point is not going to change the now. I am not the typical mold for the adult other adults before me envisioned. Living the way I am now. I am not truly happy however I don’t really know what could make me happy. On the other hand do I want to be what I’m supposed to be or opposite?

The Power of Words

Ever meet a person and they tell you all that your soul and mind needs to hear. Only to end up in bed with them (or no sex at all) and enjoying the moment. Becoming caught up in a rapture, as the song by Anita Baker goes, but we all know it is not going past the sheets. Deep down inside you know nothing is ever going to come of this encounter of words and physical being. Yet, there is a small voice deep down inside that wants you to believe that a chance may arise. Wants you to believe this person’s lines will fill the open gap of the missing part that needs a another person to fill up. This is not indicating that as a person his/ her self worth is diminished only that he/she is human. So there you are all caught up in the what if, a fantasy world I’ll call it. Daydreaming of a chance to encounter this one person again. To know why he/she just wasn’t up front from the start or was all of there lines just a hoax.

The Power of Words

I don’t understand him.
The words
The promises
All lead up to one ting
I knew it was coming
Yet, I played as if I didn’t know.
I knew I would awake and move to the door.
Only to smile and ponder on him for more days to come.
Yet, in the end I would only see him as an apparition during my sleeping moments. Those moments would awake me, unnerve my senses, cringe m y body for more.
The lines are what sticks even more.
The touch is only a fading afterthought.
The words are what sticks even more.
Dam those words.
They encapsulate and hold prisoner my mind
And part of my soul.
Words
No longer remembering the a physical person
Only the communication of one to another
Words
Strong
Elusive
Intrusive
Words
The syntax of a few undefined and define words
Leave a
Showing heart
I don’t understand him
Did he have to use
Those words
To woo me

Half

Yearn for more than just words or a simple touch
A connection that has a deeper meaning beyond today and tomorrow
A feeling that last more than 20 minutes
A nidus of emotions,
Two beings can not express
To anyone our side of their
One
Knowing a conception was not merely
Physical in senses but metaphysical
In the One
Understanding life has more to offer than now
Seizing what is unseen to become seen
While working towards a common goal
Still keeping form of individual self
Yet moiety existing with in one
Soul

I got 5 on it

How can you scream “I got 5 on it “
When you can’t even pay 5 on that credit card bill
Taking 5
On the rim
The clothes
The look
That isn’t even yours
To feed an addiction
Called spending
Yet that 5 on it
Isn’t going to wards
Retirement
That
I R A
But
No it’s
A T M
Like money
Is going to be there
Forever
Don’t you remember?
Those 40+ hours
You put in to
Get that 5
And here you are
Blowing it on
Materialistic crap
That’s doesn’t even matter
Trying to be the Jones
When the Jones
Are fictional characters
I don’t understand why there are
So many going broke to live a
Lifestyle that isn’t theirs
Cuffing themselves to a
Min payment and 30% interest
Yelling I got 5 on it
What about a financial legacy
Yell about that

Stir up

I saw an old “flame" while I was shopping this weekend and some feelings started to stirrup, but I knew I couldn’t go back to him. It's like wanting a huge chocolate chip cookie but knowing it will do bad things to my will power to stay on my eating plan is my chocolate chip cookie. I can’t have him because of the drama he brings with him but he's ooo so good.

What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.

That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.

Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.

This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?

These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.

Ultimate male experience

I'm well endowed and seeking a
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.

GIVER

I try hard to obtain what I want, yet it appears as if I am trying to hard. I don't know what it is when I try to keep people close and show that I am good person it's taken as if I am trying to breathe the same air they are. Then when I step back and give space it seems like I don't care at all. The attempt in understanding that maybe it's me and maybe it's me is hard but is not the focus of my life. I say this because kindness is not something I have to give but I do because it is who I am.

So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.

I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.

That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .

Let known

If I were to stop allowing you in
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were

Apologies...

Sorry I have not been posting as much just between work and school I really don't have a lot of time to write like I need to.Hopefully after midterms,I should have should be back to some kind of schedule?!

Take care and I hope all is well with each of you

Nyk

Morphing Love

Talk to me

Walk with me

In the journey that is call love

Many say love is an abstract notion

Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence

But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract

I know that my thoughts of you

In you

Around you and

Through you is literal

In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love

Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth

This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete

Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?

Who says I have to play the role of the woman

And you play the role of the man

Lets us work together for the greater good

The life we both want to live

Not the roles we are condemned to portray

Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us

From birth till death

Let's create a new movement with

Individualism

Creativity

Objectivity

Open communication

Understanding

And so much more

Please take each hand in an open palm

Fingers interlaced

Skin touching so tenderly

In this walk that is love

Not the new age crap that is running rampant

But an old school respect and view of love

Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love

Flare ups

Am I evil? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it is karma coming back to haunt me for all of the stupid and some times hurtful things I have done.
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.

After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.

I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?

A little more than a week later...

Just to let everyone know I am slowly getting over my rut of mixed emotions. Honestly I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but I am going to manage how I am feeing by focusing on my health. Plus I have been letting go of people, adittudes, and financial issues that I felt were a burden to my life. I guess it is just an unexplainable feeling that comes and go but I can not allow that feeling to consume me.

Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..

A Thought On Rual American Thinking

Why is that people who live in a small suburban area or parts of the country that are densely populated think that evil will never prevail them?

I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.

It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?

What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.

The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?

confuseddumfounderandotherstuff

Lately, I can not finish what I have started in my life. For example, I was so hyped to start the drastic changes I needed to make in my life. Now it's like I just don't care anymore, as if I don’t want to try to put forth an effort to do anything. As odd and crazy as that sound, the kicker here is that I don't know why. I wonder if others felt the way I do now. I mean feeling as if the true self, who you really are, is fighting to get out but only to be suppressed down each time. You can see yourself but you are not within yourself. I guess this reminds me of something an old friend of mine said when she was trying to loose weight. At the time I found the comment funny, I am now looking back at that moment and kind of understanding what truth it rings. "I am living in a body that I am not made for and she's fighting to get out of the fat." I feel that each day I live is not the life that I am supposed to be living as if everything around me is surreal. I want to get out of this rut I feel (or even if it is feel).I am trying to understand why I am in the unknown state but it's like a record with a lump in it. The record keep going around and everything seems to flow but I hit that bump and for a moment I'm wondering what’s going on. Now, some call this depression and I have been depressed before however this feeling I have is nothing like being depressed. I guess I can call it acting with a costume. I have no issues keeping up with doing for other but I am unresponsive with myself. I smile when I want to scream and I scream when I want to cry.
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how

New title of blog

I changed the name from Girliedy to Musing of Herself and the World Around Her. I think the new one somewhat captures what I'm doing here. Please give your feedback on the new change.

How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me

Blessings

Smoking is bad for our air

I was watching the new yesterday and they were reporting about second hand smoke in CA, Basically the California Air Resources Board had announced "second-hand smoke as a toxic air contaminant that can cause or contribute to illness or death".

Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?

Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?

The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.

It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.

The last few days I have been thinking about

the work that I am doing for a paycheck. I have come to realize that I loathe people and working. Yes, that's right, loathe.

Why?!

It is that I have been doing servant type jobs since I was 15 years old. No, not a maid or food industry work but child care and customer service, which I believe is way harder than most jobs out there.

Let's start with my first job, childcare.
I started the job as a teacher's aid at the ripe 'ol age of 15. I mean, I was a kid myself and there I was telling other kids to listen and behave for my approval/attention. Moronic, yep.
How did I get this job?
Well, my dad knew the dean at a private Christian school and was able to get me the job. Now, he did not do this because I begged and pleaded to work. Hell no! He did this to relieve the burden of having less work providing for 3 kids and what is the easiest solution. Send his oldest child to work for her own stuff. Don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to work because I wanted to have what my family could not afford so I took to working like going to the doctor to get a check up , you kind of have to go.
Deep down I did not want to work. I wanted to be involved with other teens that were doing after school stuff but, I knew I had responsibilities and wants/needs which were not going to be left in my lap because I deserved it. I had to go and work for it. Honestly, I am a slacker yet I do what I need to do no more or less, unless, I am truly in love with what I am doing then I am passionate, driven, and obsessive about the task.

A personal note: I hate working for another person. I work and then when I have the fruits of my labor in my hand I have to give it away to another person. This work and billing scam going on is great. I swear you give 8+ hours of life away to give more than 1/2 to the government, give more than another 1/4 to bills and hope there is something left for yourself(this rant is for the money challenged).

Ok but back on subject.

I hated/loved those kids but the parent’s gosher the parents. They drove me up a wall with their inability to see or understand that their child was the spawn of the devil. During this time I had to be nice and calm. I had to place my self out of the daily interactions, basically shove being honest and forthright out of the window. If I wanted to say what was truly on my mind I would have to say what I really meant in a kind, considerate, monotone manor to appease the paying parent.

After I graduated from high school I keep right on working
This was a cashier at a photocopying store. While I was there I was nice and polite. I worked well with others but sometimes my kind nature by my co-workers was taken advantage of. Any case that was a breeze compared to dealing with unhappy customer who wanted to use me as the sounding board of their frustrations, anger, or just plan evilness. At times what I really wanted to say was;"Hey look! Does is it say printing specialist on my tag? No it does not. Then why are you bitching at me?" Instead I would have to smile, apologize, and then remain calm so that I could explain to the best of my abilities what was wrong and what I could do. More stuffing the truth down my throat.
Moving on to the next job which was customer service over the phone for an online travel agency.
This was my gate way to realize how dumb and rude people are over the phone. It also gave meaning to George Orwell's description of "Big Brother Is Watching" complex that many large corporations have.
I came to understand that when you work with another person over the phone they feel they are ambiguous enough to say and act as they please. But yet again I have to push aside how I really wanted to respond to the situation with the customers to appease the corporate heads.

I left that job and for 4 months out of my working history I was not working per say. I still had to look for work which is just like working.

Then I got work again of all places another customer service job.
O God the insanity. Again customers and corporations are horrid. (That is the nicest word I could use so, I'll stick to that.)

Being in customer service is the battle of the mind. It is mentally draining which causes physical fatigue. Having to adhere to a clock, to a specific schedule as to how much time on and off the phone.
Being in childcare is the battle of the body and mind. It is mentally draining to deal with another person's child. Having to speak in a manor not to offend the child, to deal with the parent with child gloves, and not strangle the child in the mean times.

People ask where the customer service is.
People ask where good child care is.
I ask: How can people demand top notch service and treat the people servicing them inhumane?
I know we all pay for service and demand the level of service biased on payment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some great people I have worked for but they are an exception to the mass growing of abuse on people who have to service a paying public. On the other hand people feel they have the right to treat the person they called in for help like trash. As if the person they are talking to is beneath them.
I am not beneath no person yet I take the abuse. Many people in my job title take this abuse and have pretty high esteem but when each person has bills to pay and the career of their dreams is not obtainable the meantime jobs pay the bill. We have been trained to not take the abuse personally, yet how can you tell a person who is being personally assaulted not to take it personally. To smile remain calm be polite don’t yell don’t respond back to the customer in the manor they are treating you. Ah the canned robotic response to frustrated customers, I'm sorry ma'm/sir to hear your situation but there are no other options available.
The paying public has such high expectations they want met yet people forget other people have to meet those unrealistic goals.
Let me go through a CSR's call
Log in take a call
Follow company protocol for the call
Great the customer
Tell them you're happy they called
Up sale
Wrap up/recap
Thank for business and time
Note the account
Hang up
Next call
All calls are to be with in 2-3.5 minutes can not keep the customer's waiting.
That is a simple call. That is the basic of all call the company wants all calls to go like this.
I could go into more of the politics of CSR but this is not why I wrote this.

I am thankful I am not in a job right now that is as stressful as my last jobs yet it is mundane. I hate routine. I need variety and I'm not getting it here. I like my job currently in medial customer service /medical sales support but I loathe dealing with people because I have been doing this for so long. I am burned out. I feel myself going to work and go through the motion but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to focus on finishing school and enjoy life around me for once. I don't want to be responsible and captious. I want to know what it is like to be young just for a few moments. To have a carefree moment for once with out having to think of rent, utilities, savings, groceries, insurance, medical, retirement, ect. I know I won’t have that luxury. Having to deal with the demands of other people and not being able to voice what I want to really say is taking its toll. To have your voice stiffen because whom you're speaking with basically pays your bills is wrong. Just because you pay my bills doesn’t equate that you treat me with out respect. I give respect but I am not donning to feel like people should be shot. Ah.... being an adult as they call this is hard. Then again who said life is easy. I am looking for a way to have a positive outlook on working but since I’m a college student and I for a while what a bad budgeter I have to wait till I save up enough money to stop working for 2 years which will take me 3 years to do. I just want a break,to breathe.I've been hyper ventalling for so long,my mind and body are slowly passing out. I know I will inhale soon :)