Here I go again

I look of life occasionally and replay large moments in my life. I analyze why, how, what, who, when, and try to understand myself in those moments. Sometimes I may beat myself up for what I’ve done but when it’s all over I learn something new about myself. I see myself in a different perspective and I move on from it. Not everyday of my waking life am I looking in the past to live in my past or recreate my past but to figure out how to make me a better me. I mainly do this when I see my self repeating a pattern I thought I had given up. I have been , honestly, I don’t know what the hell to call what I’ve been doing but I wills ay I have been distracted. I started talking to S for about a month now, here in lies the distraction, and I feel that I am becoming displaced. I am becoming comfortable in my past which is my present. I know we are not compatible, okay unless he grows some personally heh maybe and we see the world completely different. I’m an emotional tell all talker and he is quiet annoying non communicative and aloof. Okay I’m being unfair by portraying myself as better than him it’s just that right now he is driving me crazy and the negative stuff is coming out( o I could have said more but I’m not going to). Really, he’s a sweet guy and shows his self very differently to what I am accustomed to. I’m used to open communication and discussing issues (mainly mine) till we have a common ground but with S it is not like that. If I don’t bring it up we will never ever never ever talk about it .This frustrates me because I need to know before circumstance become unbearable. I mean why live, life holding onto crap that can be released. Think about it the only reason people hold on to crap is fear of rejection, to feel so open, to have loss of control and not know how the recipient of the info will react to your info.

Well bull because the same thing can happen if you say nothing, ironic huh. I had to learn that lesson the hard way and it’s nothing to write home abut. Any who before I started talking to S again, yes, I restarted us talking. Why I am still trying to understand. I think it was me being sick of being alone and he responded back. Aurgh... I have now learned I can not do the alone thing for very long. It’s hard (I know who said life was easier but then gain who said it had to be so hard.) I really became a loaner. I was into my spirituality, music, art, and sound then after this was done it was me. Me alone is ok for short periods but for months on end. O just shoot me. So of course I jumped on the talk to S for a short time bandwagon. Now I can’t pull myself out. I am seeing my much focused life become pulled between being there for him and being there for me (God too). The sad part is I like him but I really don’t love him anymore. I like having a person near by but I want it on my terms. I hang out with him and my body is there but my mind is not. It’s like being depressed. You know you’re depressed but you cant nor will you pull yourself out because in a way things make way more sense in a depressed hole than it does in the life outside of it. Am I comparing my current situation to a depressed hole, naw, but it shows how wanting to be paid attention to (no I don’t need to be love I need attention) can drive a person to get out of sticky situation. I don’t want him as a lover more like a friend I can hug twice a day (ah a teddy bear a live one hahaha) but all the shit that comes with it is driving me crazy.

So here I am a contradiction to my own advice of not holding on to stuff and letting it go.