I miss him. Crazy huh?! When it was I who made the decision to cut him loose and attempt to move on from a non progressive relationship. This was not the typical move to force him to change or make him into someone I wanted him to be. It was because I was emotionally at my ropes end by trying to make those we spoke to each other words come to life everyday. Yet each waking moment the little things I miss and in the end days like this make me want to recant the words and pretend my choices didn’t happen. But I know 1) I'd be a hypocrite and 2)nothing will change, then I'll look like the fool ,the indecisive girl chasing a man that doesn’t want me. I promised myself that I would not be the girl chasing the guy who I knew didn’t want me, judged me, or was not ready to be completely committed.
As hard as it is to keep that promise, I have to. If I really think about it, I miss the idea of him. The close and quiet moments when the rest of world couldn’t come in and take his focus away. For the world to have the inability of conjuring up in his mind excuses, as to why his heart and actions aren’t in line. Those times I conjure my leading role and repeat the lines on the script, but all it does it put me back in the situation I am in, now, where I feel and think he is the one, but if I really play the role and read further into the script I see the loneliness and the longing to fill the hole. By revising the role, I want him to feel how I feel when the fairy tale ending isn’t there and to see on his own that we both have the same needs, goals and wants if the walls were let down. I can only try to show responsibility but I can not force the character on a person who is not ready for it.
I can't hide behind distance nor time because if I really care and I am really ready small holes in the ground can't stop a person from making a relationship work. Because true emotions will surpass the physical aspect of a relationship to cause a person to be committed even though seeing the person will be far and few. A little idealist, yes but if thoughts are put into the comment we all work towards something when it is not tangible each day until the fruits of labor produces latter on. So then, why are there conditions with distance and love? Many questions like this will arise and I'll have to justify the answer as I asked for too much and my standards were too high. Even the classics, I am too good for him and he just wasn’t the one.
All and all after fighting for change, showing my strengths, and readily being there could not give me what I want from him.But acknowledging my feeling will be the start for moving on and preparing myself for the right time.
