Friday, November 16, 2007

Little Minded People

I’ve never been the one for drama which is why I’m pretty upfront as well I only let a small number of people in my inner circle.
See my issue with large number of people is the different personalities and the ability for people to speak, idiotically.
Now I am not the one for confrontation because I know when I am upset I am not logical and reason will fly out the door( which is why the tell 'em how you feel when you feel is always my rule).
I hate when people speak indirectly about you instead of directly to you. Like I am supposed to understand that you’re talking about me. Like your words actually hold some kind of fear factor.
I hate when people have an issues and will be in the same vicinity as I am and say nothing. Duck and dodge the situation when it’s there the whole time but need a crowd to show how “mighty” they are not. This is all cause people are insecure and depend on others to make them a better person.
So when these pathetic people feel bad about their own lives or who they are as a person they have to agitate the cream of the crop.
That’s why I prefer emotionally stable, mature, self confident, strong willed people, positive, like minded people around me. Messing around with child like people makes a girl want to become violent and if you know me it takes a lot for me to become violent.
Don’t misunderstand my words as if what a dumb ass had to INDIRECTLY say to me bothers me, my problem is that I could not make my issues known because of small children in the vicinity. That’s the difference I am an adult who can respect a child than start a fight to stand my ground and principles. Where a small feeble minded people start drama in their own home around their own children cause they couldn’t say something prior to getting home.
Now the disrespectful thing is to make a comment around people that have nothing to do with the issues you have with me. Making a scene when your kids are around because you can’t handle your imaginary problems with out protection is frankly , pathetic.
I don’t like low self esteem females cause that is where all the drama insures from their inability to deal with themselves before dealing with the world. Causing problems to make themselves feel better is not going to change the fact that you’re a nobody in your own eyes
If you must ask what is the real issue: well it is , if people cant be an adult and come talk to me about issues but need to act foolish to handle their issues like a child and think they have the upper hand is the issue that has pissed me off.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Momentary Something

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I maybe a bit bumpy since getting back in the “grove” of writing is foreign. Now I have been writing academically which is opposite to writing about personal crap. There is a prompt and from there the supporting evidence however since this is personal there is no prompt to follow and support.

Moving here to Flag has been a shock. Not saying this place is not beautiful because it is but the larger city has the diversity of people, the opportunity to go out and do something is what I miss. I would complain there is nothing to do, no where to go, and that was because I grew up in Sac but to move where there really is nothing to do is wow. Any case the people are polite and genuinely nice which is a contrast to a larger city because if I were to say hello to anyone in Sac it would be taken with a dose of skepticism. Now my biggest problem is truly seeing that I am a “minority” don’t get me wrong there is black people but to walk in the class and be the only “black” person is a bit shocking to walk in a town for 3 hours and see maybe 2 other blacks is hard to adapt to. No hair salons dedicated to black hair care needs no stores either I mean Wally world or Target have stuff but not compared to home. There are benefits like going for walks and seeing nature, involving my self with music, seeing my other family members more consistently, but that’s all. There are bars and stuff but going alone is fine but the fear of being alone still ties in to going all together. Idiotic but true. It’s not like I’m not personable but to what extent do I want to invite others drama into my somewhat simple and peaceful life. Alone is a new concept but to grow and change sometimes being alone is key. I am learning more about me as well as the community outside of me, this is not stating I am a changed person because old habits will arise. My anger and oversensitivity will rear its ugly head and self doubt is right behind it. Self doubt there has been a lot of that I mean I’m 26 and now I want to be a full time student I now what to see the world out side of my security of the “known and true” like is going to school to become something I think I want to become in business is worth being alone. Is personal mental strength really worth it? To live up to standards I am questioning worth a ping of sadness when I see groups of people who know each other and do stuff together. I mean walking down this road is it really worth what I am telling myself. This is not o feel sorry for me tell me that it’s going to be fine or anything of the sort I am just wondering and need to see what I am thinking into words maybe I might get an ah-ha light and figure it all out. Logic and emotions must fight to determine a common ground a goal as to why I am motivate to keep going or stop and go back to what I am comfortable with. I don’t think I will quit over a small emotion as loneliness but eh smaller things have caused major ripples.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Infatuated Love

Falling in infatuation with one
Not seeing both sides to every song
Building a home with no foundation
Seeing a future with no past
Keeping the “love” alive during daydreams in the mind.
Never seeing signs of illusion that are fading out and reality setting in.
Ever been infatuated with a man only to know he doesn’t see you in the same light
To wonder when the getting to know stage disappears as soon as it starts
To find out that he’s infatuated with another person and you’re the last to know
It’s not desperation or despair but pain as if you were intimate with this person
But the intimacy is with words and never touches you. You hear sentence never used in the context spoken and hope so much for the right man to come in your life and speak to you in the manor he has for a few days.
Seems like you’re a helpless fool wasting time away pining for this right man. His words seem so right like God had planed the timing just right. But you know your relationship with God is poor so you’re left in the dark to figure out if it is worth pursuing or learning from. Since you’re left to your own devices the choices are
Become bitter and think all men are liars or
Move on and know that there are good men out there.
The choice lies with how many times this has happened in the past
If the past has been filled with lies the bitterness will resound
If the past has been filled with truth hope will come to light.
How ever truth can become lies and lies truth so the struggle will come with how each of us copes with failure.
Ah failure
The dust yourself off and try again routine
Like love is job and you haven’t found your fit.
See love is not as easy as life
Where you can pick yourself up and move on to bigger and better things.
See there is emotions behind each touch every word and those moments in time stick
Strong than a paycheck every 1st and 15th
You can’t go back to school to acquire a new degree a different out look on life
O that’s right we have to pick ourselves up and try again or wait on perfect timing.
See love is career choice that you must work hard on constantly changing and learning to stay profitable in the business.
The business of having the right one
But how when most of the loves in life are mere infatuations.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Ram Ramble

I slept with him but does that make me feel better or curious any more, no. I guess I have no more curiosity about him. Typical male set up in the curiosities of my own mind

I’ll never know
What it feels like to not care to not put forth an effort to love a person
So strongly the world stops moving the second he comes into my path
Into my mind and seeps into my dreams.
I’ll never know
What it feels like to become bland and indifferent to not show such strong emotions and communicate what I feel So much so that the words in the English language become the canvas of my true desires.

I wrote these two set of sentences because right now that is how I feel. I give and tell. I work and show but nothing seems to work. I’m understanding and willing to give space but then it is taken advantage of. Then I am left with the missing pieces trying to figure out what have I done so wrong. Maybe it is that I hope too much and work so hard to make the relationship work that I am willing to become a blank canvas open and willing to what ever man comes into my life. Now don’t see this as becoming desperate there is a huge difference. I don’t need a man in my life but when I have one I don’t play a mystery game I let him know everything. I look at having a man (or anyone) in my life because they know me I cant do that if I am holding back so much I mean its best to tell all, give him the choice to be with me because I do not want to waste time in a relationship and one conversation slips out and the whole mood changes. .A lot of people will say you need to withhold till you know he is the one but I always wondered how I know he’s the one if I don’t tell him everything. If he wants sex and I don’t am I supposed to hold on to that till were lying in bed and then I tell him that? See that is the whole confusing part with dating or letting people in. When do you divulge the information? Then when I let go and let the person in I am shunned away like I’m not needed any more and all the wordy promise go out the window. Am I supposed to believe that all men are liars and out to hurt me?? This may sound like I'm hurt but I'm not. I’m just confused. My confusion lies with in the when do I tell and how much do I tell.

Life has circumstances which make you think.
I’m not happy when I don’t feel free. I hate knowing I am forced to work, even if it is for me, but to live the life I want I have to work to some standards. I have to abide by a set of rules. But I swear sometimes I want to quit the ideal views of this society and become a guitar playing panhandling bum.
I no longer want to feel like a caged bird and I have to peck my way out but the only way to make it in the American society is to live by the clock and the time the employer gives to me.
Believe me I am not so idealistic not to understand the dynamics of a business and the fact that a person chooses to have money and to do so the company needs able bodies to work and comply. I want to have my own company one day and I know I will become what I despise now a papertimecomplance mongrel. Funny, ironically, yes but at the same time idealistic people are sometimes the best conformist.
I want to say unhappiness is what is driving me to behave in this manor but I don’t mind working the job I have. At time I would love to be challenged more but eh

“The person who is slowest in making a promise is most faithful in its performance." - Jean Jacques Rousseau

I haven’t been writing many musing of myself lately because it seems to keep going in the same circle. Crappy, interesting, funny or sad things happen in my life and I write about it. I begin to over analyze it instead of just living the experience and moving on from it. I know each day is a step and each day I learn from things that occur in my life. Sometimes I forgot what has happened in my life until a situation comes up to jog my memory which I dwell on but sooner or later I need to move on. I am in a sense doing what I am complaining about, writing about stuff in my life. Yeah it’s a bit self –centered, but I think each person is because we want the world to revolve around us (a lot of the times we make the world appear that way). Even if we are self less, we still do selfish things for our own pleasure because happiness is a selfless and selfish emotion which teeters like “a thin line between love and hate”.

Just a few rambles of what’s been going on in my mind and yet I can never completely finish a full thought (as you can see). Augh helllp

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Let it Go

I originally wrote this on my myspace page(04/22/07) and decided to transfer it over to here.I needed to re-read this with everything going on and Id like to share this with anyone that stumbles onto my page. :)

Let it go for 2006..(07)
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they we not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift ,I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents..LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!! ( Well 07)

Crush

I wrote this thinking about all of the men I have crushed over. I guess late at night and a lot on my mind cant really sleep .Even after walking 3 miles around midtown this am and getting something’s off of my mind (walking with a good listener takes some of the heat off).We walked and talk . We shared and confessed. I mean distant strangers sometimes are the best people to talk to because this person really doesn’t know you. However, I still have more because the constant wheels in my head are turning and I am beginning to feel almost light but yet I am feeling heavy. Too much to deal wit in one day. So here goes:

If I tell him my secret could I be free
Of the mind games and the delusions I play
Day in and day out of the what if and could be’s
Like a school girl I write his name on my book
Change my last name to his
Play the game of if he were mine would the loneliness cease to exist
The future we have, the quite moments we share, all in my mind
Because I am afraid to tell him he is
My secret crush
The fasciations and the childish boy meets girl tease
The façade of being his type the girl of his dreams
The fictional family and the imaginary fight with a make up scene
I want to change the world in his eye Be the one he truly desires but
If I tell him my secret would I be free
Only to know reality pulls the strings
Taking away the friend I have slowly acquired
To have the momentary freedom of a
Physical, emotional, and spiritual bond.
All a fantasy, the one played out in my mind, because
I have been placing this crush on a pedestal
Only to know
He will and could never live up to my dream
Because he is different from what I have conjured up in the
Recess of my mind
The picture perfect man
As the secret crush

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Wondering

Are there ever enough experiences in life that you want to just move on from?
Yes, everyday I breathe I just want to get to the point in my life that all this transitional shifting makes sense.
All the non sense, the self analysis, the purging, the happiness and pain could show some sort of true contentment.
I guess being in the middle of the storm I really can’t see the change I yearn for so desperately.
I think I am changing but then I see some of the same habits come back to light.
Its big mass of mess and I don’t really see why I am doing this.
I feel like I need to so I can become the person I think I am supposed to be.
But right now, is this all possible.
I dream of a new life and change
Yet will this come when I move
Or
Will I sill be me even after leaving what I have become accustomed to?
Sure I want companionship preferable marriage but the fish out there seem to be contaminated on purpose and the manufacture failed to tell me I was being poisoned.
This reminds me of a class on interpersonal relationship
There is a dot on your head and you attract the people to this dot
If you want to change the people that are attracted to this dot change you
I was floored when I heard this from the teacher and thought it was a wonderful idea until
I decided to change.
There is no road map, no guide, and no help when you want to change
Yes, I know self help book, groups, therapy, and ect
but this can not put the
ah ha
I don’t want to change
I see no need to change
I am content where I am
I don’t like it
but I (right now) don't want to push myself and see what is
beyond here and now
to actually be accountable for me
to just skate by is okay.
I am become stagnant
this has drained my zest to
have more
be more
and fulfill my true potential
*laughs*
I needed to write that
to see the "crash diet" I’ve put myself on
I need to take the time to divide up my life and
make a life change inside first then everything on the outside will come.
I say this now but watch I'll be back with a new rendition of this song. Whoa I need to be a little more positive here. I might really change. There that looks better
I will always be unhappy till I say
enough
I’m done with this

I am focused on changing
because i am no longer happy in this stage
And pick up me, dust me off, and progress
Until then I will be who I am and right now I am fairly ok.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Hug

Pull
Withdrawn
Comforting
Safety
Security
No not this time won’t be pulled in
Resist the urge to fall to completely
release the Fear
the Unknown
The Time and energy
of this Touch
Strength
Sincerity
Desire
In a simple hug.

I sat down and tried to type out in a poem conveying how I feel but it was hard.

This all started a week and a day ago. I met an acquaintance while at the gym. We both went to the same JC and occasionally worked out at the same 24 but the difference now versus then was me. About 3 years ago, I was working out he approaches me and ask if I wanted to have fun in the sauna. Okay, so I went bi*** mode and told him a piece of my mind. After that point, I'd see him around but never spoke. If you've been where I have then you know the wanting party still speaks. Not necessarily verbally but visually. Either way I didn't care, till a week and a day ago.
I was sitting in the sauna and he walked in and sat down. Now, when I am sweating my life away I really prefer not to have a conversation because the sauna is my dead to the world time, which is why I bring my Ipod.

Ipod's, off subject, are the greatest people distraction ever. Don’t want to be bothered put the Ipod on and you're completely alone in a busy world.

I don’t know what happened to me that day. I was nice, goodness, nice. I say this because I've been down right mean to people. I'm mad at the relationships I've been in. I'm mad that bull keeps happening. I'm mad because people can be sh** and have the idea that I have to accept them for who they are. Well no actually I don’t. So to eliminate the dealing with the mass public I keep to my self and those who I like. But that day his smile was childlike trusting and his genuine concern for what I had been doing sine he left SCC was refreshing. So I instead of speaking to him in oh , unhumm , and yeah's I took off my head set and spoke. Trivial conversation we had. Nothing in depth , this was fine with me. As the conversation started to slow down I decided to leave. I was in the sauna longer than what I allowed myself and my hair was not a happy camper . I change into drier clothes to go home. As I am walking out towards my car, I hear, " Hey, you're walking a bit fast." I recognized the voice , turned around and told him, " Maybe you're walking too slow. I didn't think I needed to wait on you." I turned around and reached for my car door. Ironically he was parked right in front of me. I knew what was coming next, I actually loathe it. But I decided since I was nice before I'll be a flirty girl and play this game he has up his sleeve.
Him: So where are you going
Me : Not where you're going
Him: Stop being apprehensive, if I was going to do something it would all be on tape
Me: that doesn’t stop dumb a***s any other time .
Him: look , my name is K, I just want to see what you are all about. Talk away from here you’re beautiful
Me: I know your name. Thank you though. I'll stick with cute. Sure.. Life is full of moments pending from death. I'll follow you and see what your conversation is about. I just want friends so don’t get your hopes up.
Him: Aww.. I can cope with being you're friend but I'm forewarning you. You're going to make it hard for me to behave. You have this touch me look.
Me: o wow the lines are good. Why don’t you find my unattractive feature focus on that and just be my friend. Ever think of that.
Him: why would I do that
Me: because one day you will
Him: no. just follow ok.

We drive for about 10 min and meet at this park. He gets out so do I . We talk more. He ask why I don’t want more from him and asked if I call my family and gave them the run down on him. I explain I leave in 2.5 months that I don’t want to deal with the drama of a relationship, my current mental mood, and that I don’t want to have sex. (All which are male driven deterrents till my slowly stable life comes to be) I told home yes I called my mom and sis and gave a run down of the brief history I knew. He gives me the typical , " O I understand and I totally want to be your friend . I will respect your boundaries and move at "our" pace." As we're talking he ask mid sentence for a hug. Now mind you I'm sweaty from the gym . I just wanted to go home shower relax with my cat and drift into sleep. .. I tell him no, well for the obvious , and that I knew hugs as simple as they are can be springboards for more. After a few back and forth , I gave in.
I though it was going to a short hug and we'd go back to talking but no it was a very long hug. As if he was inspecting my shape engulfing my mind, searching for who I really am. I will admit the first couple of seconds I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want this . I could feel the femine side come out. I wanted to be there forever I wanted to tell him what ever he wanted from me was a yes but I knew he wanted more. The more I couldn’t give him nor would I want to give, realistically. I would pull away and he sense my tension and he pulled closer. I would stiffen he would cup the under of my back, like holding a small child from danger. Started to feel my self fold into him slowly start to let go begin to reciprocate the touch his body mold my body to his but then he spoke in two ways. He said, " You don’t know what I would do to you " and his body responded in that same manor. I pulled out and told him I think we should go . Being the typical male in my life and the response I'm growing weary of," look what you've done to me. I'm so hard let me relieve this pressure." I told him he was on his own but if he needed an audience sure I'll stick around.
I was screaming in my head, "SH**. I knew this would happen. I knew that is what he is all about. Figures that he come off as potential and this crap happens again. SH**. SH**. SH**. I just cant find a decent guy who will remain decent enough not to have the first thing on his mind is sex from anything physical from me. What the fu** is wrong with me now?!!"
He relives his self apologizes and ask for my number to call in the future. At this point, I don’t care again. I'm empty and pissed. I give him the number, I know he wont call, and drive away.

It's been a week and a day. He hasn’t called and I'm glad but I miss his hug. Not him the moment in time before he spoke. That split second I almost fell for him. This is what I am feigning for to see him for . After that I could care less what happens because I don’t trust him and I know he is going to be like all of the bad men I've purged out of my life, sex addicts.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Wishful Thinking

Can I come to peace with the piece of my life?
Is this meant to be a storm that I can never get a hold of?
To use the words be strong have faith because change is going to come
Come how
Come when
Come to who
Seriously I'm supposed to believe in the impossible implementation of
What could happen with no physical proof of this happening
To me
Personally
Life has ups and downs
Yes I’m the first to hold this true
However
The vague unresponsive dead weight of
Positive words seem to kill me each time it’s spoken
Seriously I’m supposed to believe in the possible
With a set of words that linger in the air like promises of 40 acres and mule
Drowning in the hope that change is going to come
What about the words change will not come
Charge down the hope
Beeline towards the truth in tomorrows another day and shit will still follow.
Don’t give me the work of telling myself its okay
It’s alright
That life will be okay in spite of
The light at the end of the tunnel speech ]
Hum bullshit
Just tell me there’s no hope no chance no will
Maybe
I might see the light you speak of

Friday, April 13, 2007

Random Love

Love is a change of emotions
Like the weather either you bear the storm
Or move on to a better place
Either you choose this person first or make him or her last
In the back of your mind this choice is the defining moment in your
Life work of love
because you can loose or win but only you are the one to blame for the final outcome
Many say there are numerous fish in the sea but how many of those fish will attach themselves to your bait
The choice is bear the storm or move on
yet
Love is a change of perception
Like becoming a child to an adult either you become stagnant in thoughts
Or become open minded to new thinking
Accept the truth you can either stay or leave
The choice you make defines
who you truly are
What you truly want

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Self-Transformation

“Most people who decide to change something about themselves leap headlong into action.” Oprah magazine V.8 p.57 2007

I was reading O magazine a few weeks ago. In her January 2007 edition, the main focus was “Be The Woman You Want to Be: Why it’s so Hard to Change Yourself a Revolutionary Guide to Making it Happen”. Ok, honestly I looked at the cover and was skeptical, but, at the same time I wanted to change. I’ve been talking about change like a new man crush that I was too afraid to approach (unless I was drunk but that’s a different story). I would write about the small changes and the backsliding to old habits. I would promise that this time, like all other times, that the changes I wanted to make would stick, yet the whole time I was looking in the mirror with covered eyes. I would peak through my fingers and see the hideousness of my ways but cover my eyes again , shaking my head , saying that it’s okay this time because it’s for the last time. I know that feeding into my old ways is only fueling the fire and I’ll never change unless I stop all together.

Funny, but, to change is to stop one habit and start another.

So, I’m reading the magazine and get to a page titled “O, Something to Think About “. On the page there were four questions to begin, as the reader, my self transformation. Again, skepticism a foot. How can four questions determine the jump start to my transformation? Now, skeptism always hinders me for getting the full benefit of the message because I have predestined views in mind. So I closed the magazine and called it a bunch of bull shit that Oprah is trying to force down my throat (mind you I bought the magazine to help myself ha-ha) I let the magazine sit on my desk for a two weeks. Midway through the second week, I put my history textbook over the cover because I was tired of seeing the nagging orange letters reminding me to be the woman I’ve always wanted as well as those 4 questions. I’m not really ready to commit to the changes I wanted to make. I want to change but committing to the change is the issue. This conclusion was after I picked up the magazine today and read the first two questions:

1a. Do I know why I want to make this change? ____________
1b. Have I assembled all the instructions, equipment, and advisers that this shift will require? ___________________________________

2. You should be able to answer “yes” to both questions before you commit to a transition. Can you explain the reason for the change and list the places you can turn to for help? _________________________________________________________________


Well, doh, I know why I want to make this change. I want to have a happier, spiritual, consistent, healthier, and stronger life for myself. I need to wake up every morning and sleep every night happy with me by not caring what any one thinks, living for myself, doing what makes me happy , standing up for myself and being okay with doing that, controlling my stronger emotions( anger , sadness, disappointment, and fear ) , communicating better, and living with God first before a husband. Now have I done part b of question one? Nope. There are ideas of what to do but I don’t know how to take them and create a plan with all of the aspect of the question.


** I’ll continue with an update as I progress on and answer the other four questions when I get there. ….


Ooo.. This is my 102 post here on blogger and I've been on for almost a year! I think yeaaaa for me... : )