Friday, January 06, 2006

Just a little talk with Jesus II

Here I am again talking about this again and guess what I have made a decision.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.

It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.

I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.

I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Makes me feel.Inhale

Could I be making a mistake?
Humm an interesting thought but then again I have had this thought very often, yet this time it is actually of a thought provoking and a slight motivation to actually change what I was becoming so comfortable with.
However I am fearful of the change because this is out of my control and out of my realm of actually “foreseeing” what the outcome is. ML has made me see myself for what I knew was possible and what was not possible. A lot of what ML has made me aware of I needed to do for a long time. Indistinctively, I knew I needed to do what was being brought forth to my attention but I was not willing to make the changes because I thought I am not that bad off.

Ah! I need to retrace how I have consciously decided to do.
I am noticing that God has a way of making apparent what needs to be done.

I have just recently broken up with SB. I thought we were going to have something long term and committed. (This by the way is a first for me if I was going to be committed.) He stated to me that it was in God’s will that we needed to be apart and oddly I understood. I knew there were things that I needed to work on and become more consistent in other aspect. I remember that SB stated our relationship was a hindrance to what he needed to be doing with the will of God. At first I did not like hearing that but I knew that it was the truth for both of us, once I became more comfortable with the truth I knew I needed to take the time necessary to do what it is that I need to do with myself and my spirituality.
Then came along ML.

He came back into my life when I came to church on Christmas day and saw him there. We spoke briefly about what’s going on in our lives, exchanged numbers, and I left. ML and I spoke on New Years day and he wanted to know if I had a good time in Vegas as well when I was coming back. A few minutes of talking and ML ask me if I was wanted to become involved with a casual relationship. I was taken aback when he asked me this because of his history with women and as well I did not think I was much of his type. ML assured me that no matter what he was not going anywhere and that we’ve known each other too long to let a casual fling interrupt our friendship. I agreed with him.

On the other hand, knowing that I just came out of a relationship 14 days ago I needed to make certain I was not rebounding because I had an itch to have sex; I don’t need to fall into the immediate gratification trap. During my adult life I have not know what it was like to be alone because I would go fling to fling or be in a relationship and has a side “ team”. I owed it to myself to actually be alone for once. I knew after SB that my heart could not handle another break up. I did not want to go through the whole relationship process all over again for I am beginning to become weary of the toll it is taking. However I like the feeling of a relationship because it gives me a chance to help another person through their struggle in life to maybe make them a better person. In a sense feel needed and wanted for what I am doing for them. Odd I know but it makes me happy when I see the changes I am helping bring forth to another person.
A side thought though: I feel horrible for moving on so quickly. I don’t right now know what to categorize my feelings for ML or if I should even have any. I don’t think I could feel the way for anyone else that I have with SB. Then again maybe these feelings I think I have for ML are just admiration for his ability to conjure in me the feelings I have been longing for, for so long.

I didn’t think it was possible for me to be awakening into a state of total consciousness of myself by ML’s words.
ML told me he had been interested about having sex together for a while but did not know if I would be open to him.
I let ML know that I am used to an open relationship but I wanted something more than just friends with benefits. I enjoy the freedom of such an arrangement but at the same time I wanted some of the normality of a non open relationship.
He countered my request with the question how could I want anything when I don't know what it is that I want?

An interesting question he prompted...
How could I want what I speak of yet I don’t know really what it is that I want nor who exactly I am? I have figured out the more I have been talking to ML that, I have issues which need to be tended to.

Then ML adds to this by stating; " Nykki why can't you take things one step at a time? All things will come to you in time. What you want to know now will come in time. You can’t rush everything nor can you pre-plan every aspect of your life. Just go with the flow for once and relax.

Arughhh. I need to know, I need to understand, I need to wrap my head around the understanding to almost everything because if it doesn’t make sense to me why should I be doing anything. It is me needing need to know why, why not, and how come. These questions I need my answered before jumping into anything. I can't have these feelings and then in the long run it was a game. I don't like suffering needlessly if I can prevent it. That is why I need to know all of this information before hand to know what it takes years to know today because I hate how I feel when I have been put through an emotional rollercoaster as well I know what it is like to be the cause of the rollercoaster. O Ay Ay I don’t know what it is to relax. I have had to be a thinker for such a long time that being laid back and easy going is like asking night to be day and day to be night. Strongly enough I know that I can make the minor adjustment to make my life less complicated.

I have noticed that the more and more I was talking with ML he understood exactly what I was saying and not saying. He made me completely open; I did not hide anything from him or felt that I had to hide anything. I was refreshing to be completely honest and frank with anyone. He responded with out me having to overly elaborate what I was trying to convey across to him. For once in my life I knew what it felt like to be understood. I did not have this feeling with SB. It was like with SB I was a care giver, a slight partner, a parent, a friend, a character. I was comfortable taking care of him and slowing beginning to see the positive changes in myself because of his positive, warm and carrying persona. I wanted to be this open with SB but I did not know if he could handle a lot of the stuff I had done in my past. I have not done anything crazy but I have had a very open sexual life, I have cheated on previous bf's I have had an abortion, and I have attempted suicide. I have heard the lines from men that wanted to know my past and they say that can handle what I have to say as well as that they would not look at me any differently. But once I go into my story, they each change and treat me just a little differently. Now with ML I have told him some of these things and he is still treating me the same and his understanding that I don’t’ need to be a picturesque girl is a warm feeling.


This experience with ML I was not in control. I did not know what to expect/ I was vulnerable and this scares me. It alarms me that ML had the ability to comprehend and respond in the manor that he has in the last few days. I have known him for such a long time and all I thought he was is a womanizing nymphomaniac. I know it is unfair of me to think of ML in this manor but when all of our conversations have been about his last conquest and the next one he is going to conquer, what am I supposed to think. These last few days have shed a lot of light on ML and I’m glad I have been fortunate enough to see this side, finally.

ML asked me a few question some sexual and some thought provoking. I like the thought provoking enjoyed the sexual questions but I am going to divulge the thought provoking because that is what is sticking with in me.

What do you want Nykki?
: Silence:
What do you want Nykki?
I’m waiting for an answer
: Silence:
I gave a half ass answer but I am going to answer honestly now

I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I don’t want the drowning in y self, my emptiness, the certainty, the pain, the loneness, the infrequency, not being fulfilled, not being motivated, not being kept interested, the lies, the constant searching, not being what I feeling now, not learning , not being appreciated, no romance or creativity and not being completely myself.

What do you want to do to me, Nyk?
What do you want to do to me, Nyk?

I gave a blanket answer more so a sexual appeasing answers. Here is the truth

I want to be completely myself; I want to show what it is like to give unconditional love, compassion, understanding, and support. To still be strong in my faith of God with you. I want physical intimacy not sex but to know that you are pleased, attracted to me. To have in the intimacy creativity, openness, fun and consistency. To let you know I am not jealous if you need to go outside of me to do what I can’t do. To know that you can trust me with all inner most parts of whom you are and want to be. To have you grow to your full potential with us and never loosing who you are. When it all boils down to know you are happy with me or that if you are not happy with me that our friendship allows us to be happy with whoever is right for us. Mutual respect.

Is that a bit sappy, yeah. A bit unrealistic, yep but I feel that I can do that and I deserve to attempt to have this and a little more. I don’t ask for much as many men have the tendency to tell me. This is realistic for me.

This is unknown territory.
The tables have been turned on me
I know what is to be helped
When I am drowning in myself
I understand why I acquire men who need help
Because those times have prepared me for now
This now
I see what I have been missing in my personal walk called life
I like the way I feel.
It is warm,
This unknown territory, in an odd sense is comfortable
It is a soft breeze on a clear day
The feeling I don't think I'm ready for it to leave
It’s a struggle yet an affirmation
Like a fairy tale but not ending in the cliché words of happily ever after
Its beginning in a manor not expected in or that I would least expect nor will it end
In the typical manor
Expect.
This word unknown is ironically safe and secure.

Hummm. Am I making a mistake?