Pull
Withdrawn
Comforting
Safety
Security
No not this time won’t be pulled in
Resist the urge to fall to completely
release the Fear
the Unknown
The Time and energy
of this Touch
Strength
Sincerity
Desire
In a simple hug.
I sat down and tried to type out in a poem conveying how I feel but it was hard.
This all started a week and a day ago. I met an acquaintance while at the gym. We both went to the same JC and occasionally worked out at the same 24 but the difference now versus then was me. About 3 years ago, I was working out he approaches me and ask if I wanted to have fun in the sauna. Okay, so I went bi*** mode and told him a piece of my mind. After that point, I'd see him around but never spoke. If you've been where I have then you know the wanting party still speaks. Not necessarily verbally but visually. Either way I didn't care, till a week and a day ago.
I was sitting in the sauna and he walked in and sat down. Now, when I am sweating my life away I really prefer not to have a conversation because the sauna is my dead to the world time, which is why I bring my Ipod.
Ipod's, off subject, are the greatest people distraction ever. Don’t want to be bothered put the Ipod on and you're completely alone in a busy world.
I don’t know what happened to me that day. I was nice, goodness, nice. I say this because I've been down right mean to people. I'm mad at the relationships I've been in. I'm mad that bull keeps happening. I'm mad because people can be sh** and have the idea that I have to accept them for who they are. Well no actually I don’t. So to eliminate the dealing with the mass public I keep to my self and those who I like. But that day his smile was childlike trusting and his genuine concern for what I had been doing sine he left SCC was refreshing. So I instead of speaking to him in oh , unhumm , and yeah's I took off my head set and spoke. Trivial conversation we had. Nothing in depth , this was fine with me. As the conversation started to slow down I decided to leave. I was in the sauna longer than what I allowed myself and my hair was not a happy camper . I change into drier clothes to go home. As I am walking out towards my car, I hear, " Hey, you're walking a bit fast." I recognized the voice , turned around and told him, " Maybe you're walking too slow. I didn't think I needed to wait on you." I turned around and reached for my car door. Ironically he was parked right in front of me. I knew what was coming next, I actually loathe it. But I decided since I was nice before I'll be a flirty girl and play this game he has up his sleeve.
Him: So where are you going
Me : Not where you're going
Him: Stop being apprehensive, if I was going to do something it would all be on tape
Me: that doesn’t stop dumb a***s any other time .
Him: look , my name is K, I just want to see what you are all about. Talk away from here you’re beautiful
Me: I know your name. Thank you though. I'll stick with cute. Sure.. Life is full of moments pending from death. I'll follow you and see what your conversation is about. I just want friends so don’t get your hopes up.
Him: Aww.. I can cope with being you're friend but I'm forewarning you. You're going to make it hard for me to behave. You have this touch me look.
Me: o wow the lines are good. Why don’t you find my unattractive feature focus on that and just be my friend. Ever think of that.
Him: why would I do that
Me: because one day you will
Him: no. just follow ok.
We drive for about 10 min and meet at this park. He gets out so do I . We talk more. He ask why I don’t want more from him and asked if I call my family and gave them the run down on him. I explain I leave in 2.5 months that I don’t want to deal with the drama of a relationship, my current mental mood, and that I don’t want to have sex. (All which are male driven deterrents till my slowly stable life comes to be) I told home yes I called my mom and sis and gave a run down of the brief history I knew. He gives me the typical , " O I understand and I totally want to be your friend . I will respect your boundaries and move at "our" pace." As we're talking he ask mid sentence for a hug. Now mind you I'm sweaty from the gym . I just wanted to go home shower relax with my cat and drift into sleep. .. I tell him no, well for the obvious , and that I knew hugs as simple as they are can be springboards for more. After a few back and forth , I gave in.
I though it was going to a short hug and we'd go back to talking but no it was a very long hug. As if he was inspecting my shape engulfing my mind, searching for who I really am. I will admit the first couple of seconds I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want this . I could feel the femine side come out. I wanted to be there forever I wanted to tell him what ever he wanted from me was a yes but I knew he wanted more. The more I couldn’t give him nor would I want to give, realistically. I would pull away and he sense my tension and he pulled closer. I would stiffen he would cup the under of my back, like holding a small child from danger. Started to feel my self fold into him slowly start to let go begin to reciprocate the touch his body mold my body to his but then he spoke in two ways. He said, " You don’t know what I would do to you " and his body responded in that same manor. I pulled out and told him I think we should go . Being the typical male in my life and the response I'm growing weary of," look what you've done to me. I'm so hard let me relieve this pressure." I told him he was on his own but if he needed an audience sure I'll stick around.
I was screaming in my head, "SH**. I knew this would happen. I knew that is what he is all about. Figures that he come off as potential and this crap happens again. SH**. SH**. SH**. I just cant find a decent guy who will remain decent enough not to have the first thing on his mind is sex from anything physical from me. What the fu** is wrong with me now?!!"
He relives his self apologizes and ask for my number to call in the future. At this point, I don’t care again. I'm empty and pissed. I give him the number, I know he wont call, and drive away.
It's been a week and a day. He hasn’t called and I'm glad but I miss his hug. Not him the moment in time before he spoke. That split second I almost fell for him. This is what I am feigning for to see him for . After that I could care less what happens because I don’t trust him and I know he is going to be like all of the bad men I've purged out of my life, sex addicts.
