Saturday, December 02, 2006

Who's to blame

I want to scream fu** you and your problems. You have this inability to see good when you have it and to deal with your need to come back to me when its all over and want try again. Thinking I am the same person you screwed with the first time and because I was gracious enough to forgive you twice. You, Mr. think I was the same person, well I’m not. See this is the issue when you’ve decided to change and think I am still waiting. Well, I’ve changed or so I think I have. I’m tired of being the good, patient, understanding, pleading person you knew you wanted. I was that person who sat and cared when no one else would. No, I’m not tooting my own horn I am admitting facts. Yes, I will admit I have issue, fuck it I’m human. I am the first to tell anyone that I have a good and a bad side pick a day and I’ll give you one and/or both but I am not a bull shitter. I am strait from the hip. I am pushy and I will communicate the stuff you do want to talk about. Then again why call yourself an adult and you, sir, can’t even man up to communicate to me. Yeah, I hear the voices saying maybe it me. Maybe I need to change and once I change all the crap I’m dealing with will go away. Wait while I scoff for a few seconds…. I want to agree with that psychological crap but sometimes there is an exception to the rule. I tell you I am the fing exception.
It’s like I have a banner for all the decent men who want to try being dogs to stop by and wipe their dirty feet on me. Then realize after their done o shit she was a good person let me go back and make amends to clear my mind. I could analyze this place the blame on me because that is what I would do with the maybe it's me crap but I’m not anymore because I know it’s not me. I don’t ask for much and I don’t take much. My thing is compromise and communicate because I can’t stop you from what you think you want to do. I always say if you don’t talk to me I don’t know how to help you and if you say nothing it causes bigger problems. You have issues so do I so let work on a plan to either remove them or cope with it but I am not here to make your world what you dream it will be but instead to help make it a little easier to deal with. Make sense right. I guess too new age. I mean why should there be roles (yes off of subject) to a relationship. I mean looking at the word in no way results a masculine or feminine notation to it in a sense it is asexual word. Back on subject.
Do I want to be angry and bitter? That is the tough question. I see myself slowing getting there and it’s not good. I still want to be that naïve little 18 year old who promised herself that no matter what the world does I would not be come cynical and mean spirited. Now I see, I really see that is a hard feat to accomplish when people keep knocking, spitting, and hitting in a inconspicuous kind of way. See, I wouldn’t be upset if I was being hit and I knew it…. OO no it has to be in the sly manipulative way. I’ll let her think I’m good then wham hit her with the bad news. This folk is the where the cynicism grows and the mean spirit is fostered because being honest is too easy. I just want agape and to give that in return. I don’t want agape love because agape is tangible but loving on the other hand that is a work in progress and no man matter of fact no person can give that to me only God can. I want this man to be unselfish, loyal, and to benevolent as well have concern for the good of God, me, his family, and his self. Will this happen the naïve girl in me say, yes but I guess I have to go through my anger phase first.

Monday, November 27, 2006

I want to be Mr. Right

J: Hi
Me: Hello?
J: How are you? I seen you drive past me the day before yesterday
J: You don’t like me huh?
Me: No, its not that I was in the middle of something and could not respond.
Me: Where did you see me?
J: Going down by Carol Miller.
Me: Ok, now who is this?
Me: I guess I don’t get an answer.
J: J
J: Can I see you? I promise no funny business.
Me: No. You made your feelings clear the last time we met. I really believed that when you came back from NY you would have changed. I guess those were lines. I mean why? You really don’t care about me.
J: It’s J
Me: I know who you are now and what I sent stands.
J: I do and I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m serious.
Me: J, I’m tired. I’ve been hurt too many times by you and this time I really don’t trust you. I forgive you for your actions, but I can’t see me trying again. This last time you really hurt me. I actually cried on the way home because I was so hurt. I don’t want this feeling any more. I have come to equate pain with you. I just came to the realization that I was nothing more that a fu**. When you were in the mood you’d call
J: I have been thinking about you and I want to change. I want you to be my girl for sure and no bs.
J: You’re a good lady. I realized that I want you to have the best and I want to give that you if you let me
Me: I’m tired of lines. I just don’t need this. I can’t take hearing you say; again, you seriously want me. I’ve come to the point that I just don’t want a relationship. I gave up. I mean if you tried, your really, tried because you wanted me you would not have waited this long.J: Can you come over so we can talk? I promise just talk.
J: I want to do right by you. Can we just talk in person? Just give me 15min.
Me (over phone): You can talk to me this way. I’m not coming in person.
J: You don’t want a relationship with me
Me: No. I gave up on us J. I got tired of being hurt by you more that once.
J: I only did it once.
Me: It was three times. I know. When you getting you’re a** kicked you know how many times it’s getting kicked. When you’re on the giving end it’s easy for you to forget.
J: I just want to start over
Me: I just don’t want to. I don’t care anymore. I mean again why you did wait so long. If you want something you fight for it. I mean you promised me when you came back you’d change. you came back and it was the same sh** all over again. You didn’t even try with me. You just went back to treating me the same. You treated me as if I had to fight to win you back like it was my job to show you I cared. That wasn’t the case. You were supposed to be fighting for me showing me I needed to stay and you let me leave. This wasn’t fair.
J: I guess. I wanted to give you time. I know why you get mad you need time.
Me: I didn’t need time I need you to be different.
J: whatever
Me: What do you want me to say J?! I mean that I want to try again, that I will run into your arms and it’s going to be okay. No, I can’t say that. I don’t want a relationship and you’re unwilling to try. I’m done (hang up)
J (calling back): Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes, because we were done. What more could be said. I mean honestly I am leaving in 7 months. I can’t not give you a relationship because of that. Thanks for texing and I wish you the best. Good night (hang up)


What is this the let’s trying again? I swear when I give up and throw in the towel. All the people who should have cared about me before come into the picture. They want to try again, they want to be the man they could not of been, and now realize I was right all along. It’s frustrating to open wounds that were closed because he decided he wants to be Mr. Right. It’s wrong and unfair to put someone through this. I woke up depressed and evaluating myself. I wondered what’s wrong with me that he couldn’t get it right the first three times, matter of fact the first time. I feel like the kid being picked last for the kick ball team. I know I have great talent and every time kickball is played the team I’m on is shocked that I can play but each time a game is started I’m still picked last. This is a defeate3d feeling and I hate it. I moved on I grew from the circumstances and now here I am dealing with what I thought was done in my mind. Now I see I really never healed I just compressed the issue and put it on the back burner. Now, I need to deal with my feeling and I don’t want to. It’s so difficult and I hate crying because that’s what I’ll do. Plus I'm scared to dig that deep because I really don’t trust anyone that much to help dig me out. To sit and watch me completely break down and have to rebuild. It’s a nothing feeling I don’t like to have. Being vulnerable and emotional in front of other people. Yet coping alone is worse now that I know better. Yet trusting people is really hard when I keep getting hurt. I know deep down in side what I said to him was right and fair .But to let go of a person I really wanted to be with is hard. Then to top it off with seeing a familiar pattern is driving me crazy.