Friday, September 19, 2008

Simply unput

I just don’t understand the final outcome to this situation. I believed the words spoken to me but deep down inside as I reviewed the words, the timing, the text messages, and basically everything about our conversations I realized there is not an 'us'. This “us” was just something to do in the meantime for the someone else to come along. I can’t say it was a lie; this situation was just an opportune moment which was capitalized on because we wanted the benefits from the right actions to blossom in to right now results. I wanted to be loved as well as paid attention to so much I settled for something I was familiar with and not which was best for me in the long run. Who knows what he wanted.
I don’t believe the timing was off; it was the person who was off. I was trying to put a square peg into a circle and it just wasn’t working. I wanted him to be the one so the search would be over but he is not that one and if I am honest with myself I used him just as much as he used me. The last few weeks that we haven’t been talking I have come to the conclusion a person knows when they’re ready to commit to merge their life with another person. I mean stop the games, let the fear subside, and make the moves for being life partners with their match. See many men, and women, don’t understand when they say “I’m not ready yet because xy and yz aren’t in place yet for me to give you what is you deserve” is basically fear. Think about it do the superficial materialistic wants need to be met just make the final concrete plans possible? No, because God, hard work, dedication and other virtuous characteristics would have everything else falls into place. I mean the cliché saying goes,” you want it you’ll go after it” and all you have to do is make the first step and have faith.
I’ve noticed when I started going after what it was I wanted a lot of things made sense and I see life differently. I see people hiding behind excuses and justifications instead of just calling themselves out for the fear they have including the need to have approval and reassurance of the decision making of their life place is validated or correct. Simply put we are living for God and our personal self not the expectation another person may have. Because if he/she is truly to be in your life they will understand if everything is not PERFECT and will WORK with you to obtain the material needs. Things are black and white then personal understanding adds the color when the color is added that is when life becomes problematic, yet after reading that sentence we will still allow others impression of what the definition of being ready is dictate what each of us are able to do right now.
I don’t write this out of anger or dislike but more so out of frustration because I will never really know why he acted in this manor and even if I do get an answer I will always wonder if it is the truth. So all I can do is go on knowing what I’ve done and make adjustment from there which is what hope he will do. It’s not like I can’t make the connections to another person or start over again but the issues lies with being lazy to open myself up again and find another person I found this connection with.
Hopefully I learn from this and grow not to make the same mistakes three times but with the heart it’s so hard to be detached or even absentminded there is so much work to keep a level head and an open mind.