Ram Ramble

I slept with him but does that make me feel better or curious any more, no. I guess I have no more curiosity about him. Typical male set up in the curiosities of my own mind

I’ll never know
What it feels like to not care to not put forth an effort to love a person
So strongly the world stops moving the second he comes into my path
Into my mind and seeps into my dreams.
I’ll never know
What it feels like to become bland and indifferent to not show such strong emotions and communicate what I feel So much so that the words in the English language become the canvas of my true desires.

I wrote these two set of sentences because right now that is how I feel. I give and tell. I work and show but nothing seems to work. I’m understanding and willing to give space but then it is taken advantage of. Then I am left with the missing pieces trying to figure out what have I done so wrong. Maybe it is that I hope too much and work so hard to make the relationship work that I am willing to become a blank canvas open and willing to what ever man comes into my life. Now don’t see this as becoming desperate there is a huge difference. I don’t need a man in my life but when I have one I don’t play a mystery game I let him know everything. I look at having a man (or anyone) in my life because they know me I cant do that if I am holding back so much I mean its best to tell all, give him the choice to be with me because I do not want to waste time in a relationship and one conversation slips out and the whole mood changes. .A lot of people will say you need to withhold till you know he is the one but I always wondered how I know he’s the one if I don’t tell him everything. If he wants sex and I don’t am I supposed to hold on to that till were lying in bed and then I tell him that? See that is the whole confusing part with dating or letting people in. When do you divulge the information? Then when I let go and let the person in I am shunned away like I’m not needed any more and all the wordy promise go out the window. Am I supposed to believe that all men are liars and out to hurt me?? This may sound like I'm hurt but I'm not. I’m just confused. My confusion lies with in the when do I tell and how much do I tell.

Life has circumstances which make you think.
I’m not happy when I don’t feel free. I hate knowing I am forced to work, even if it is for me, but to live the life I want I have to work to some standards. I have to abide by a set of rules. But I swear sometimes I want to quit the ideal views of this society and become a guitar playing panhandling bum.
I no longer want to feel like a caged bird and I have to peck my way out but the only way to make it in the American society is to live by the clock and the time the employer gives to me.
Believe me I am not so idealistic not to understand the dynamics of a business and the fact that a person chooses to have money and to do so the company needs able bodies to work and comply. I want to have my own company one day and I know I will become what I despise now a papertimecomplance mongrel. Funny, ironically, yes but at the same time idealistic people are sometimes the best conformist.
I want to say unhappiness is what is driving me to behave in this manor but I don’t mind working the job I have. At time I would love to be challenged more but eh

“The person who is slowest in making a promise is most faithful in its performance." - Jean Jacques Rousseau

I haven’t been writing many musing of myself lately because it seems to keep going in the same circle. Crappy, interesting, funny or sad things happen in my life and I write about it. I begin to over analyze it instead of just living the experience and moving on from it. I know each day is a step and each day I learn from things that occur in my life. Sometimes I forgot what has happened in my life until a situation comes up to jog my memory which I dwell on but sooner or later I need to move on. I am in a sense doing what I am complaining about, writing about stuff in my life. Yeah it’s a bit self –centered, but I think each person is because we want the world to revolve around us (a lot of the times we make the world appear that way). Even if we are self less, we still do selfish things for our own pleasure because happiness is a selfless and selfish emotion which teeters like “a thin line between love and hate”.

Just a few rambles of what’s been going on in my mind and yet I can never completely finish a full thought (as you can see). Augh helllp