Note to self

I am going to write a non love post soon because this over emotional stuff is too much on my psyche. I need to see more of the world around me and respond. A more well rounded person. No New years resolutions and no stupid I promise to stop doing this. I am going to like me and bear with the nuances of my persona the best I want to not can. I know that I am a great person and there is talent in here somewhere. Even if don’t know what to believe in or how I will make more sense and accept who I am for whom I am. The world is a place I live in and I need to make it bearable for those around me but conducting myself in a manor that if look back on that situation I am truly ok with it not just dealing because it happened. Because I love me each day fat and all... Ha-ha.

“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
-unknown

From that point foward

I got a text today from S. He tells me that he was out of town for the past week and did not come back till Friday. He also tells me that he got my note and did not understand what I was saying and that it seemed like I had a lot on my mind as well he was praying about us. I responded back that I had a lot on my mind. He tells me that maybe it is for the best because he wants to be in the will of God and that I am a sweet young lady.

I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.

Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.

Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.

I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.


Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.

O woe woe eww eeeee ahrgh haaa

A description of the title: When I feel bad I make noises to describe my mood instead of words. Childish, I know but it makes me feel better because when someone asks me how goes it I then make my noises per my mood and it makes me and sometimes the other person laugh.

Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.

This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.

Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.

I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.

Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.

I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.


I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.

People are such Aholes

Lately I have noticed that more and more people are just down right mean for no reason.

For example I am trying to get on the freeway and a car about 20feet from me will speed up and prevent me from getting on the freeway. I don’t understand why a person would need to speed up to prevent someone from getting in front of them when they were not driving that fast from the get go.
I never did understand this fascination with drivers and not allowing someone else to get in front of them when necessary.

I have gotten to the point when I have to go out in public I need to have a "tuff skin" to deal with other people. It is like I am a no nonsense person and if you hit me, I’m going to hit you back. I don't like having this demeanor however it keeps me from being ran over from the people whom have forgotten please and thank you.

If I am nice to people they act as if I was supposed to be courteous to them. This to me is not right. I was always told when I was younger that being kind to another person is not a right it is a privilege but be kind to another person because you may need that same kindness reciprocated one day.

I have noticed that when people are in their cars or an open place they forget what manners are. The perceptions of people is that they have the right to do as they please, when they please, and with no form of recourse from anyone.

I want those obnoxious people to pay for being aholes however it is becoming common place to reward those that are rude and inconsiderate instead of the other way around. I say if people stay putting rude people in their place it may help with the ongoing issues. Being passive because "people are crazy” is not an excuse. When I feel that I am being inundated with rudeness I politely tell the person that I don’t like what they are doing, shockingly a lot of the time the person did not realize they were being so self-centered!

I'm just concerned that people may get to the point that the gesture for thank you will be a middle finger and for thank you a kiss my a**. We all need to become more community focused instead of self focused because you are not the only person out there that has to live in the planet. So why not help make things easier for yourself and others.

Perm

Natural and flowing free from radicals
Smooth yet soft adorning my crown
This beauty was mine

Twelve was when we first met
He came with five mysterious parts
Out of a box he came: a large white round container, a taller round
container and two smaller round containers with a medium length light brown
stick

I had no say in the directions
I was told it was for my own convenience
Beauty was pulled into four different directions
and then bound in their places

A twelve year olds excitement as the taller round container
combined with the large white round container
the medium length light brown stick made them one.
Tap Tap Scrape

The cool combination of one touches my beauty
The excitement turns to anticipation and fear
Will it all still be there? I ask as the last combination of one
is placed on my bound beauty
Yes it will, was my reassurance

30 second my beauty felt this fire
A fire that only come from an unknown substance
Filling my body with a burning sharp and prickling sensation
Tears filled twelve year olds eyes; fear and doubt were soon to follow
As water came to make my beauty clean

Sitting up the beauty that was once tight curls absorbing water
Now was slick and dripping with water.
After being dried I noticed that I was free of curls
as my beauty moved with a different form of grace.

This grace came with a cost
a 6 week life span of course
Then it was back to the combination of one
To obtain the grace I was told was convenient

Splits and breaks. Long to short
How was this combination of one
convenient for any one.
With beauty all that was needed was moisture
Wash and put aside.
Grace he came with so much more

To have the grace everyone thought was acceptable came
With such a high cost
That from momma to child they all have to pay the cost.

The reason for the cost
Momma said beauty with grace would be easier for her and me
She said we’d fit in better with grace than with beauty
She knew grace was acceptable to live in chaos
For she could not take on beauty any more than she could handle grace