VACATION

To anyone who reads this post I am on vacation from tonight till the 5th of January 2006 in Vegas. After the vacation,I am going to take two weeks to recoup from my relationship loss as well as make a plan to follow my note to self stuff. Long story short I'll be writting around Jan 19th.

Thank you for sharring my life with me and enjoy your New Year celebrations!!

Nykki

Note to self

I am going to write a non love post soon because this over emotional stuff is too much on my psyche. I need to see more of the world around me and respond. A more well rounded person. No New years resolutions and no stupid I promise to stop doing this. I am going to like me and bear with the nuances of my persona the best I want to not can. I know that I am a great person and there is talent in here somewhere. Even if don’t know what to believe in or how I will make more sense and accept who I am for whom I am. The world is a place I live in and I need to make it bearable for those around me but conducting myself in a manor that if look back on that situation I am truly ok with it not just dealing because it happened. Because I love me each day fat and all... Ha-ha.

“When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness;
instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven
for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.”
-unknown

From that point foward

I got a text today from S. He tells me that he was out of town for the past week and did not come back till Friday. He also tells me that he got my note and did not understand what I was saying and that it seemed like I had a lot on my mind as well he was praying about us. I responded back that I had a lot on my mind. He tells me that maybe it is for the best because he wants to be in the will of God and that I am a sweet young lady.

I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.

Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.

Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.

I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.


Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.

O woe woe eww eeeee ahrgh haaa

A description of the title: When I feel bad I make noises to describe my mood instead of words. Childish, I know but it makes me feel better because when someone asks me how goes it I then make my noises per my mood and it makes me and sometimes the other person laugh.

Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.

This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.

Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.

I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.

Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.

I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.


I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.

People are such Aholes

Lately I have noticed that more and more people are just down right mean for no reason.

For example I am trying to get on the freeway and a car about 20feet from me will speed up and prevent me from getting on the freeway. I don’t understand why a person would need to speed up to prevent someone from getting in front of them when they were not driving that fast from the get go.
I never did understand this fascination with drivers and not allowing someone else to get in front of them when necessary.

I have gotten to the point when I have to go out in public I need to have a "tuff skin" to deal with other people. It is like I am a no nonsense person and if you hit me, I’m going to hit you back. I don't like having this demeanor however it keeps me from being ran over from the people whom have forgotten please and thank you.

If I am nice to people they act as if I was supposed to be courteous to them. This to me is not right. I was always told when I was younger that being kind to another person is not a right it is a privilege but be kind to another person because you may need that same kindness reciprocated one day.

I have noticed that when people are in their cars or an open place they forget what manners are. The perceptions of people is that they have the right to do as they please, when they please, and with no form of recourse from anyone.

I want those obnoxious people to pay for being aholes however it is becoming common place to reward those that are rude and inconsiderate instead of the other way around. I say if people stay putting rude people in their place it may help with the ongoing issues. Being passive because "people are crazy” is not an excuse. When I feel that I am being inundated with rudeness I politely tell the person that I don’t like what they are doing, shockingly a lot of the time the person did not realize they were being so self-centered!

I'm just concerned that people may get to the point that the gesture for thank you will be a middle finger and for thank you a kiss my a**. We all need to become more community focused instead of self focused because you are not the only person out there that has to live in the planet. So why not help make things easier for yourself and others.

Perm

Natural and flowing free from radicals
Smooth yet soft adorning my crown
This beauty was mine

Twelve was when we first met
He came with five mysterious parts
Out of a box he came: a large white round container, a taller round
container and two smaller round containers with a medium length light brown
stick

I had no say in the directions
I was told it was for my own convenience
Beauty was pulled into four different directions
and then bound in their places

A twelve year olds excitement as the taller round container
combined with the large white round container
the medium length light brown stick made them one.
Tap Tap Scrape

The cool combination of one touches my beauty
The excitement turns to anticipation and fear
Will it all still be there? I ask as the last combination of one
is placed on my bound beauty
Yes it will, was my reassurance

30 second my beauty felt this fire
A fire that only come from an unknown substance
Filling my body with a burning sharp and prickling sensation
Tears filled twelve year olds eyes; fear and doubt were soon to follow
As water came to make my beauty clean

Sitting up the beauty that was once tight curls absorbing water
Now was slick and dripping with water.
After being dried I noticed that I was free of curls
as my beauty moved with a different form of grace.

This grace came with a cost
a 6 week life span of course
Then it was back to the combination of one
To obtain the grace I was told was convenient

Splits and breaks. Long to short
How was this combination of one
convenient for any one.
With beauty all that was needed was moisture
Wash and put aside.
Grace he came with so much more

To have the grace everyone thought was acceptable came
With such a high cost
That from momma to child they all have to pay the cost.

The reason for the cost
Momma said beauty with grace would be easier for her and me
She said we’d fit in better with grace than with beauty
She knew grace was acceptable to live in chaos
For she could not take on beauty any more than she could handle grace

Just a little talk with Jesus I

●According to Enclopedia Britannica “Humans relate to what they regard as holy, sacred, spiritual, or divine. Religion is commonly regarded as consisting of a person's relation to God or to gods or spirits yet moral conduct, right belief and participation in religious institutions are elements of religion”.

●Religion is attempting to do is create answers to the basic questions that we ask ourselves. (Why do we suffer? Why is there evil?)

●Religion according to Miriam Webster is “… a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs, and practices and cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with and/or and faith”.

I bring this up because I hate man in religion. Now that I have said that, it is in no way shape or form denying to myself or others that there is not a God. The reason I am saying this is this past summer I took a philosophy class about the seven major religions of the world. After the class was over, I believed my mind and eyes were opened to a lot of things that I have been blindly following because I was told this is the way it is. It is unfortunate when there are questions about religious actions or ideas that a bland answer such as, because it is in “His” word that it should make me subjective to follow. The apostle Paul wrote: when I was a child, I acted like a child and once I became a man I acted as a man ¹. I am using this paraphrase of the actual scripture because as I grow into a woman the ideas and beliefs that were suggested that I were to follow I was able to do so with out question for I was not allotted the ability to go and seek on my own but I am older now and I know the world is not as rose glassed colored as I assumed. So for a man called by God to teach, lead, and support the children of God; I need more substance than “He is God” or read the word for clearer understanding. Now that I have introduced a little of my background I have been combating these thoughts for a few months now: I believe that I am a Christian. I like the faith and the ideals to make my life easier to bear day to day but I hate the institutions of Christianity, more so or not the church. I see it as man becoming involved with the rituals of faith by structuring the views set in the bible as his/her own.

Here I am stuck because what I have learned from the philosophy class was that the bible may have been ordained by God to write through certain authors. But there was a time that the roman empire was rewriting the bible and if certain parts did not fit in the bible that the Romans wanted it was destroyed. Now that may sound crazy yet there has been proof to show that other parts of the bible were written to give more insight to the bible, were written before or after certain parts of the bible, and that the bible was set to show as if certain parts were foreseeing the future when in actuality they were written during the time they happened but rewritten to fit in the era they were not from (foreseeing Christ coming into the world in Psalms, I think.) Then my next issue is how we portray Jesus as part of the trinity. How a lot of Christian based faiths are indicated that it is God the Father, the son and the Holy spirit. In no way am I indicated there was no Jesus but I am confused as to why when we pray we have to go through Jesus to get to the Supreme One. If Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we could speak to the father and he is one of the holy tinity; why do I have to pray in Jesus’ name? That seems a bit illogical to me almost as if I am Catholic¹ in the same sense that if I were Catholic I would have to talk to a priest who talks to God for me. I am lost in transitions. Should I believe what I want to believe based off of what I am learning on my own or should I follow blindly to what I have been told , accepting what others think to believe as true?

Honestly I think No. The reason being is there is a scripture that indicates: study to show thy self approve¹. How can a person study a religion to show themselves approved yet they know not the history of this religion , they do not truly understand why it they are doing what they are doing or for that matter if what they are doing is actually part of the scriptures they are supposed to be reading. This ties back to why I hate man in religion. Because man takes what they have read ,comprehends what they have read to their understanding of the Supreme One and then dictates what they have read to others as if “God” told them to say it and be cause people need a reason to live basically an escape . We blindly follow till something causes a person to think on their own.

This is part one of my journey as I think more I will write more.

Thanks
Me

¹ paraphrased from the actual saying or scripture and I have nothing against Catholics I am just using the ideas to support my reasoning.

My forgiveness cents

The following passage is taken from The Media’s Image of Arabs an essay written by Jack G Shaheen in 1992:
True to the cliché of the times, the only good Indian was a dead Indian. But when I mimicked or mocked the bad guys, my mother would cautioned me. She explained that stereotypes hurt, that they blur our vision and corrupts the imagination. “Have compassion for all people, Jackie” She said. Experience the joy of accepting people as they are and not as they appear in films, she advised."
I read this truly understood what Shaheen’s mother was saying to him about having compassion for all people. Let me explain why I understood what Shaheen’s mother was saying. I am very understanding person of people, not because I am a Christian or because I am understanding, but because of my family. My mother and father did not say as specifically as Shaheen’s mother to respect other people regardless of color, instead my parents would say to me and my sisters,” you will need people one day so be kind to them”or”what you do to other will have a way of coming back to you. ” Yes, I know this sound as if I should be kind to other because I expect a reward if the tables are turned, but also it taught me to be understanding to people because if the tables are turned would you like the same actions reprociated to you. A lot of time people forget in the mist of their emotions that if the tables were turned, would they want someone to show them compassion. Yet each person allows hurtful stereotypes and personal feeling cloud their thoughts when they are mocking or passing judgment on others. A question that each person could prompt to themselves is: Can each person look past another person who has wrong them and or their family? The answer to this can differ but the majority would say, no. Why is that? I can’t personally answer that question because I forgive in spite of, yet then again I have not been in a situation where another person has killed my family or hurt someone close to me , however I know how I would respond.

I remember a conversation I was having about a year ago with my sister, C, about forgiving someone if they were to kill someone in my family. The conversation was prompted after watching the Oprah show. In the episode there was a mother and her granddaughter, the granddaughter wanted to meet the man who raped and killed her mother. The grandmother could not understand why she wanted to meet this man but accepted that this was her granddaughter’s form of healing. She, the granddaughter, meets the man who had committed this atrocity
to her mother and told him that she had forgiven him for what he had done to her mother. C was taken aback by the fact that the young women forgave the man that killer her mother a. I could not understand why she was so against why the young woman forgave her mothers killer. C’s stance was that he killed her mother so why should she forgive him there is no need to forgive someone who has harmed anyone’s family in that matter. Here is a portion of the conversation:
Me: “Don’t you do thing wrong with or with out thinking and once you have come to your senses wouldn’t you want someone to be understanding and forgive you once you have been punished?”
C’: “What he did was different; he killed another person”
Me: “Okay, so he killed another person. When you lie, steal, and gossip doesn’t that kill another person as well?”
C: “Again that is different; I did not take someone’s life. I just lied, ect. You can not compare killing someone to typical life situations. Killing is just wrong and can not be forgiven”
Me: “So let me understand this, it is okay to hurt a person internally but if the pain is external such as death it is okay because the person is still alive, right. I don’t understand why is that people hold grudges? What’s done is done, yes, everyone has the right to hurt and take time to heal but if you hold on to what has be done wrong to you all you are doing is reliving the pain over and over again. What good is that? “
C: “When a person does wrong they have to be punished and if the punishment is to relive over and over again, that is what they deserve for doing what they did. I know as for me, if someone was to kill one of you guys, I would not forgive the killer; I would want to do an eye for an eye.”
This is a problem. If a person can not let go of the big thing how can they let go of the trivial things in life. I am not stating that when a person does wrong they are not to be punished but how many times must a person be punished for a wrong they have already done.

I have noticed that when I have let go of the wrongs that people have done against me I feel better, Almost in a sense free of the weight of emotions I don’t need. For example, I was left stranded on a date. The guy I was going to go out with dropped me off in the front of the fair because he did not want me to walk from the car to the fair, which I thought was very kind of him to do. As he drove off, he waived to me and I knew he was coming back. Well five minutes turned to fifteen minutes and I wondered where he went. I called his phone, no answer. So, here I am twenty minutes away from home and every one I knew was doing other things and I could not reach anyone. I was hurt, angry, and self depreciated. I wanted to find him and cause hurt that would teach him to never cross my path in that matter again, or anyone else’s in that matter,
but I knew causing pain to him would not rectify what he had done to me. An eye for an eye, in this instance would not take away the multiple of emotions I felt at the time, yes, it would make me feel better but for how long. Once I made him pay for what he did to me, would it take away?
the thought that would plague my mind of that night and the vengeance I took upon him, on the other hand I can forgive him and move on. I forgave him. He gave me whatever reason it was that he stranded me but I did not care because I let go of the emotions that held me to the situation. I let him explain his self for his conscious but I did not care because I internally healed from the pain he caused and let him go with forgiveness. I have spoken to him a few times since but he is not considered a friend.

Forgiveness is a hard word for people to understand but for me it is very easy. Because what I understand forgiveness is to move on. Think of forgiveness in this matter:
To for give of yourself is to let go of your giving self to allow the wrongs a person has
completed against you, to go for good. But in return of allowing your giving self to allow the wrongs to go the person must go.
Now that doesn’t mean to become inhumane to the person, rather they are not in your life as the person they were before you have to forgive them.

Each person has their way to live their life but if each person let’s go of wrongs done in their life to just tolerate another person things may just be easier. Keep in mind I am not stating it is ok to have people walk all over you because you are to stand your ground against your personal injustice but when a situation has already pass to forgive the person and work hard to help others not to relieve that path that has caused you pain. As Sheehan’s mother perfectly put, “Experience the joy of accepting people as they are …” Acceptance is the key because we can not change other but we can change ourselves, if each person is willing to take the initiative to change it may make the world we live in easier to bear.

That’s just my two cents.

My own________ experiance

I was online reading female misogynist blog spot and she was talking about the suicide of her sister that was pretty recent for them. While I was reading this it struck a cord with me because September 3, 2001 I had attempted suicide myself. Yes, I know now that it was stupid, selfish, and irrational but when I was in the midst of my inner turmoil logic was not what I was clinging to, to hold me sane.

I don’t tend to ever talk about this point in my life, my breakdown, my low point, and my revision. I thought why should I, I knew I made a mistake and I did not want to go back to understand why because I have already done this. Why is that people think we have to dig up an issues , relive it to only burry it again. This is not going to be that in this writting.

Here I am two and half years later prompted to dig out the mess I created, the turning point to who I am now. All because I stopped by another persons bog spot and because my sister threw it in my face during an arument. If there is a skeptics out there that does not believe in the cliché saying, "Things in life happen for a reason" I am here to say they do.

I am now question myself. Asking the question: is this just a trend in my life right now to stop, rethink, react, and change what ever it is that I am doing wrong or right to what could be possibly better? At this point I just don't know.

I keep asking myself this question repeatedly yet I know what I have to do. I stopped have sex so causally. If you talked to me five months ago, I' would have told you I have three and I am pretty content not having a committed monogamist relationship. O gosh don't gasp in anguish about the irresponsibilities of three different men because we all do reckless things, mine was sex. Beside the point, that life style was beginning to get old for me and then I met S.
I am working on my health by working out more, attempting to eat better( which the eating right part is darn near impossible ,but I am trying, while I am working full time going as well as to school full time. The easiest eating right thing is MCD in the car while reading a chapter out of my history book).
Finally I am trying to figure out my spirituality which I have decided to stick with the facade of Christianity because I really like a lot of what it gives the follower. I need emotion the ability to have ranges and restrain whereas with Buddhism I have one monotone reaction. They both flow well and have a lot of common traits in common so I did not loose in the qualities that Buddhism brings because it is within Christianity. However the time to take to become devoted in learning and studying a faith is consuming which makes my life see just a little out of balance.

So here are my three parts of a girlie. (I guess I need to do a 12 week program eh) Wait maybe I will. How ever it goes I am grateful that I had these two situations to jar me into awareness of myslef to become even more aware of Me .


* I have taken the needed physco help for my issues, sometimes being stubborn and wanting to do thing my way creates the vicious circle I go in.

I let my fingers talk

Yet she sees no one to help heal the pain of what is not there the hidden words that only she hears inside.

why must she hurt

why must she live to the expectant ideals that she does not know .

could falling in love be so easy and falling out be so far.

is this what life is made up of the tireless questions of the no answers soon too come.

Could I sell you this torn shirt these tight jeans? They are cute because all the famously rich and self righteous people are wearing them . OO ya'll look how cute you could be in them. Your hopes and dreams are in the materilistic view that I am selling you. All I need is your soul and the pin to your atm card.

Come on now don't be shocked that I am offering you the life you could never have. I mean you give your money to talentless , irresponsible, ungrateful people and you cant give me your soul and the pin to your atm card?

I want to know why when she goes to the mirror the finger is pointed down her throat in disgust that she cant be a size 0 in a huge house and with all the money the world doesn't have to offer.

Why is it that he stands in the mirror wishing he was tall and strong. Chisaled and secure. Hitting his fist to his chest trying to be the pretend man that no woman wanted him to be in the first place.

I can't make the craziness go away only the person within can. Untill each person comes to their own awakening then the vicious circle will contenou picking up new "victims"

Ah yes "victims" because that is what he/she is called when they allow themselves to be caught up in the conterprodutive stlye that the beast and beauty called society. However each wanted to live their life don't place the blame on the unfaced name of society because you, are society

This is meant to be

Ever feel like there was that one person that would be there no matter what….

Not the case…

I thought (o here comes a lot of issues here with this one) that the one would at least show up and spend time with me but I guess I was wrong.

I am not overly dependant but when it come around to things that are really important to me I would like it if the person I hold dear would show up and at a reasonable hour.

I don’t expect a lot of any person. I just want the basics met. I am open and free spirited. I don’t tell people what they have to do and when they have to do it. I just want to be valued and respected. However in this game that is called dating, this is not the case.

I am not a psycho girl. I am not an emotional needy broad. I am not a gold digger. I am not time consuming.

I am dependable. I am independent. I understand. I am compassionate. I am loveable.

Yet time and time again these qualities are taken advantage of and it hurts.

I want to give in the towel. I say those words time and time again, as well as I am not going to have high expectations or expect much yet I fall into the trap each time a new person comes into the picture.

Meaning to do well I may give the appearance that I am easy and will be understanding to everything. But once I stand my ground, the person who said they care so much suddenly disappears. Here I am again wondering what I have done so wrong to make that person leave me. I beat myself up trying to make sense of what I need to do to make sure being left alone to pick up the heart I wear so easily on my sleeve is not hurt again.

I finally tell myself the bogus line; he wasn’t good for me because he could not see what a good person I am. I keep telling myself this and other positive, reassuring, and comforting words till I believe them to the point I have forgotten what his name was.

This is frustrating. This is unfair. This is unjustifiable. Yet I keep going back to the field of rose bushes to become lodged with a thorn again because this is what I think I have to go through for the future love of my life.

Well, I laugh at this demoralizing process and if things with S don’t work how I need them to. I am not going back.

Human Papillomavirus and Cervical Cancer

I was working out this AM and was watching Good Morning America. They were talking about a HPV vaccination that would be tested out on teenage girls from 16-18 to see if this vaccination would help stop certain strands of HPV from occurring. I was a little taken aback when one of the reporters indicted there was a dislike among certain people that the vaccination would give teens the ideal that they can be sexually permicious and think they are cured from a STD. I really don't understand people who oppose this vaccination because it is helping so many sexually active people. I personally think it is a misunderstanding of HPV as to why others may be against the vaccination being available widespread.

I personally was diagnosed with HPV and was able to have it detected in the early stages before it became cervical cancer. When my OB/GYN told me I had HPV I thought I had herpes which, I think, is a strand of the HPV virus. At the time the nurse told me that it is like the common cold of STD. This did not make me feel comfortable at time she told me that because I did not a lot about know what HPV was.
After she saw my expression, she explained why it was the "common cold of STD"; she stated that it is a disease that women mainly catch that is carried by men. Men are not able to get the effect of HPV but women are for a number of reasons I can't remember. The nurse also stated that if it is caught early they can track it to make sure it does not get worse. She told me that if for some reason it did get worse they would go into the vagina and do a biopsy to remove the cells but she reassured me a lot of the time is just goes away

At the time I was told this the nurse and dr. stated there was not a cure but I still needed to have safe sex but that condoms do not protect from all strands of HPV and because of that I needed to have 2 annual checkups instead of one.

Knowing that any woman is subject to having HPV denying young women, who will be come adults, from getting vaccinated is just wrong because a lot of sexually active teenage girls do not have annual women wellness exams like the should . By having this possibly done helps curb the chance that a girl 17 ends up with cervical cancer or even an older woman as well.

Any case this is my two cents on that issue.

Help instead of belittle

I was online reading a new story on yahoo.com and became fustrating with a lot of the post that were being placed on the site from the story. So I decide to respond back:

FEMA has the right to set a limit to have the people living in the cities struck by the hurricane to move out of the hotels however, if these people living in the hotels have no place to go and no funding to go anywhere else what will FEMA and the rest of the government do to assist these people with a permanent place to reside.
My suggestion is to open up a lot of the old military bases, which are not being used, place families in there. While they are there , first off it is a controlled space for policing, second it has may facilities that a hotel does not , finally it cost way less to keep people there since it is government own. There will be minor to major repairs that would need to be done but on the plus side this is a start to helping these people better themselves. While the people are on the base educated them to get a job or to go back to school to get a job they like , once they are educated give them a time line to be off of the property and on their own.
After every one of the citizens are gone or have used up their time limits the bases cane have other uses such as ,housing for other huge disasters, homeless and other charitable uses.

Another point: I am a taxpayer as well as a charity contributor and I know that it is frustrating to have people abusing the aid that is being given, yet no one has offered a concrete solution to the mass poverty in those areas.

A lot of people will suggest going out and getting a job.

Well that is a great solution with a small problem. That problem is potential employees would need to be able to work in-conjunction to having viable skills that employers want. A lot of the people down there do not have job skills that are useable or are too old and /or handicapped to work. On the other hand there are those who as I stated before are abusing the system. It is up to the government who are paying people to asses who needs the assistance from those who are abusing the aid.

Another set is like great kick them out on their worthless as*** we gave them enough aid.

Not very good because again we taxpayers will have to pick up another bill of taking care of these people who now seriously have no where to go till permanent housing is available to them. I know they were made aware of how long they were going to be allowed to live there and gave them bare minimum aid. But seriously with what they were given could they really find a place to live in another state while they were looking for work. If you have ever had to find a place to live while looking for work and still having new bills to pay along with just living? Then you know it is not as easy as people are making it seem. Yes , a person can get a job application , go on an interview, go to a housing development fill out the application but if a person does not meet the qualification or have enough money down to move ; I don’t have to answer this one for anyone the answer is a given.

My final point is that it’s frustrating to read post after post with people point fingers, being non- compassionate, and stereotyping people in the aid relief areas. Blacks are not the only people down there abusing the aid; as well they are not the only ones benefiting from the aid. It just happens that blacks are just the ones the media portrays the most because some blacks place themselves in that horrible light whereas the media looks to portray them in that light. Instead of looking at race and stereotyping people think out side of the box and help people better themselves.

Wrong , could be . That's a thought

How come I try to help at the request of another person and when I help the person does not like my method of helping them. Let's say for example, Person A doesn't know how to cook and ask for Person B to help them. You're giving suggestions and advice, yet Person A is getting apprehensive and annoyed. To prevent further tension Person B leaves, but out of pure concern comes back to help. Upon their return Person B just observes instead of saying anything and intervenes instead of suggesting. After seeing that their advice is not being taken, Person B states they would like to take part of the food and cook for themselves because they can not watch the continuous mistakes and mishaps from Person A.

Well in this case Person A is my sister and Person B is I. She was cooking for the first time a fairly simple meal but in a way complex if not done right. I tried to give pointers and ways to make the meal better since this is her first time, for most of the time I did not say much. Once I told my sister that I would like to take part of the meal to cook for myself because I like the way I do it and since she would not take any of my suggestion yet instead learn by trail and error. My sister throws in my face that I wanted to just cook for myself and my BF. This by the way is not the case. I am the type of person if I am helping anyone in a beneficial matter and they deiced not to take the help and do it another way I will make a few attempts to try but after a while I will stop and either leave or do what it is I needed to do omitting the person I am helping out of the equation. I hate to be frustrated or not listened to when I was asked for assistance, however if I just interjected, which I have the tendency to do, I could not get offended or hurt if the person I am trying to help with out their permission objects or gets upset towards me.

Any case I leave the kitchen and tell my sis when she is done cooking to let me know. Mind you the stuff was to be split between two of the same meals. She leaves the kitchen and tells me she is done. I get in there and I have less that half to finish my part of the meal. So here I am agitated, because I have to cook for not just myself but another person and there is nothing for me to cook with. I ask another person that lives with us is there any extra stuff and she tells me the only extra that we have is the sauce for the meal in the pantry. So I scrounge up what I can with what I have. I angrily fix what I need for the meal and say loudly from the kitchen

Me: sis, If you wanted to screw me you did a great job.
Sis: I didn't do anything if you want to cook, cook. I thought what was pre-prepared was just for my meal.
Me: how do you figure, if you would use common sense you would know what you had was more that half. Its fu****g full I mean how stupid can you get.
Sis: if you would have just let me cook then you would not have been in this situation
Me: like I said you sometimes lack common sense and this time really proves it.
Sis: you know what just shut the fu** up and just cook I don’t know what you're bi*****g. matter of fact you're right and the smart one here

We go at this pointless argument for a while her patronizing me and me returning the favor until she says

Sis: if you're so much smarter than the rest of us, then smart people would not have committed suicide, which shows how smart you are.

Whoa, that knocked the wind out of me. I was so hurt but I stated
Me: you proved that I am smart but resorting to pointing out my flaw in this argument. How could you say that in this discussion .That means you were loosing the battle if you had to go so low?

She gets up and walks into her room. I turn off the TV and play music. I was hurt, angered, disappointed, frustrated, and a complete failure.

Yea I tried to kill myself but I don't need someone throwing that in my face in an argument. I don't throw out people's flaw or what they said previously in an argument, I state the relevant flaws. I point out the obvious flaw that got me and the other person in the argument in the first place. I made a mistake when I was young and I spend every day trying not to ever get to that place again. It is hard to live being depressed , obsessive, perfectionist, and attempting able to live up to the high self imposed standards.

She comes back in the kitchen while I'm cooking and gets upset that I have condensed some of the pots on the stove

Sis: I would like if you would not touch anything when I am cooking
Me: I was trying to be helpful but using smaller pans and you didn't know what I was doing.
Sis: I don't care what you were doing you could have left it alone
Me: o that right cause suicidal people need same people to tell them what to do, like you are. I’m sorry for not asking you first
Sis: that’s right. Now your feelings are all hurt because of what I said but you can call me stupid and have no common sense and think it is ok.
me: I never did say it was ok but is supports the argument at the time you sometimes don't think before you do things , you're not aware of your surrounding and it hold a point to initiated why we are having this argument.
Sis: Well my points hold/ leave my things alone

If her justification for throwing that in my face was cause I point out that because she would not listen the advice being asked and that she was inconsiderate was stupid and lacked sense then in her mind she was right. There were way more foolish things she has done but I never throw any of that in her face when in an argument but because most of our arguments are because she fails to use sense and smarts is not my doing. All I can do is point out the obvious. I don't see where I was wrong but, only if I did not instigate the responses and just said my point and nothing more then it would not have when this far but o well. I can’t change being hurt well... sigh... and I supposed to be the victim and I feel bad for saying some of the things I did.

Life ah...

I am confused , hoodwinked, and concerned about the US

In the article on MSNBC.com it indicated that Bush was calling “new questions about the pre-war intelligence ‘deeply irresponsible’ ” Which prompted this writing *:

Honestly speaking I’m still confused as to why we are still at “war” over in Iraq. From my understanding it is to get WOM, to find Osama Bin Ladin, to give the Iraqi’s freedom, to prevent terrorist from breading their message to the masses, and to protect American lives. All I know is that congress along with Bush and his administration needs to figure out one concrete reason why our troops are there , have them fix the issues and pull out.

The only reason why people are talking about the president and the administration is that there is no supportive reason the government is fighting. Don’t get me wrong , yes there are terrorist but we have enough military stationed during non war time to keep that under warps .
As well as if this country was not so arrogant we could gain assistance from other countries to police the world as well help rid or more feasibly control terrorist and bad people. Unfortunately good people of the world can not completely rid the world of bad people only find ways to contain the bad from getting worse., but back on subject, apparently the administration is taking the job of policing the world on the US shoulders when it should not be. We are not a super force, we are a collective of people who wants to see our country stay financially and democratically strong. However, The US can not do that if we are using our energy and forces to play parents to the world.

The US needs to set boundaries on other countries, maybe renegotiate treaties and alliances to better work for both parties. We need to take time to go back to a country focusing on our issues first and not other countries. I remember a saying growing up, “ how can you go to another person and them what they are doing is wrong as well as help them fix their issues and yet you are worse off than they are.” It is not up to the US to protect the world but instead to assist the world in taking care of its self.

Bush and every one involved in this “mess” needs to take responsibility , do the job they are being paid too well for and act like intelligent people. All of the finger pointing ,ridiculous speeches, taunting, empty promises, dead ends need to stop and each person needs to understand you can not conform people to your ways instead give them the info and allow them to do with it what they please.
We cant kill off evil because it is a balance to good. We can’t protect the world, give up excessive amounts of money, in hopes that the other country will be our allies. Our politicians need to be honest and we as a people who have the power need to take it back so that we as American citizen can create a better country . Until we take control and care what is going on which means taking an initiative this country may not be as great as it should be. Stop complaining and take action to find solutions that benefit all. If we don’t try something then we cant say nothing worked.

Ah! Now that is out in a ranting manor!

:) me A country that does not know its direction is to loose any form of direction.


*I will admit I don’t know enough about policies or politics to sound smart but I am going off of what I think is best from seeing what is going on

Walk up and deposit your issues here

November 9, 2005 gosh could yesterday be a day.
I mean it started out fine I woke up at S place with very little sleep as usual, rushed around to get dressed for work and made it with a minute to spare. Work was easy going as usual till around 11a my sister emails me and urgent message telling me to call her ASAP. So I do. Once I called her , I found out that she had did forgery of a check, ok that's a shocker to hear, and that the company she committed forgery on wanted 2,800 by end of business that day. Poor thing was freaking out and so was I because two college students making a little decent living did not have 2,800 dollars sitting around to give up. I tell her to calm down and see if she can get an extension till Friday so she can come up with the funding. Long story short she was able to get the extension and through the will of God was able to get 2,800 so she is not going to jail. Whew... I knew what she did was foolish but at the same time I understood why she did the forgery. I am not condoning theft at all, but when you are hard strapped for cash and bills to pay you're mental state is not in its best thinking form.

Then again she and I need to be better managers of our funds, which I am doing, to help in situations similar to think. (Not saying this is going to happen again, it had better not: S) The positive of this situation is that this is a wake up call to put into better use the money I have left over instead of splurging it on other things. It was not a bad reason why this occurred it is just another lesson in life that needed to be learned by drastic means.

I guess it ties back into my post about signs about changing my life and conforming to what I already think is true about God and religion, not even that but just my life in general. I have begun to make small steps to change how I react to people and their words because honestly I can be a bit hypersensitive to people's unspoken words and read too much into things which caused my moody tirade, occasionally, on the other hand it shows people how I feel about what they are saying and not saying to me. I know I need to find a healthy balance as well as figure out who I want to be as a whole person spiritually and mentally because I can not take any more "signs".

Being positive is infectious
me :)

Care about being fat? Well,yes I do!

I didn't know there was a war on fat. Why, does everything in American society see to be a war on something or another? The meaning of war is a struggle or competition between opposing forces or for a particular end. Where are the opposing forces that are stopping people from their particular end? It frustrates me when labels are placed upon things to give it a huge hype. There is no war going on with fat instead it is people and their inability to make a decision that is best for them. Now, I am not stating there is a small few that have a disease that prevents them from loosing weight as easily as the rest of us. But to label every one who is fat as having a disease is wrong. The author indicates that "…America's spreading waistline is at least a plus for anti-fat-discrimination efforts?" I have to agree with the author yes this is a plus for anti-fat-discrimination but society and each person needs to take responsibility for this behavioral issue.

Reading the article I was outraged that there is a fat activist group called NAAFA (Nation Association to Advance Fat Acceptance). They want the general public to accept them being fat. Now, personally I am fat but I am not going to join an organization that condones my wrong doing. I don't have a disorder but instead I can be lazy and make wrong food choices. If there are going to be organizations that condone wrong doing why not allow the KKK to be an acceptable organization. I know it is a bit of a far stretch there but really look at the facts. Each has odd ideals that they believe should be allowed in American society and should not be. Yes, it is understandable to be upset and want to empower yourselves and others but not by forcing ridiculous ideals to justify what each person is doing is right because it is not.

Another point that aggravates me that fat people has allowed the *diet and medical industry to make $46 billion a year. Listen stop being lazy and hoping there is a miracle cure for laziness, poor decision making, and inability to stick to a goal for the rest of your life.

Which brings me to my next point, I have a co-worker who was heavy and got the gastric bypass surgery. The funny thing is 3 months before the surgery she needed to loose 50lbs to be considered eligible to have the procedure done. The shocking thing was she was able to lose the 50lbs during the 3 month period and the kicker here is she did it with eating right and exercising. She is not the only person I know that has lost weight just to be considered for that stupid surgery. Now I'm thinking if a person can loose weight for a surgery that has more complications and restrictions to their life, why they can't apply those methods to every day life. No one ever said life is easy so doing the right thing the right way never is.
O my apalment towards this surgery is worse when people applaud them for doing the surgery. Well , not me because the flip side to this is yes you did the surgery but did you fix the internal issues that caused you to get the size your are, most of the time the answer is no. So here you have a mass amount of people getting a quick fix but not fixing the main issues this is the problem of each person, medical professionals, and the diet industry. They do not fix the underlying issues but instead mask the issues with a quick fix or finger point. Come on now take responsibility for yourself, your actions and contributions to the cause which is obesity.

*Obesity is due to over consumption and yet no one attacks the $900 billion food industry. If people would not eat almost 3,000 calories a day and force the food industry to be responsible for the food that is being created that may help as well. Yet the point still remains each person needs to be responsible to their own actions. Remember this is a lifestyle choice not something you're born with and can not get out of. Making all of the excuses in the world will not change the fact that you as a person are responsible to yourself.

I truly believe if each person is accountable for what they do and actually care it may help with people to stop becoming more and more overweight. I have been skinny and fat.Now being fat again, I see no benefits in staying that way, let alone the health risk of being fat plus I just don't like the way I look to myself. I'm not loosing weight to fit a majority belief or because people don't find me attractive;I am making the change because I should be a healthy person. Once I knew this is what I wanted to do ,it caused me to change my mind set and to care what I eat(that is eating in moderation, there is this huge confusion with eating healthy and in moderations which a totally different topic)and work out daily to help myself fight the pounds. Indulge but don't over indulge because life is about balance not how easy you can make it.

* paraphrased from authors words

What is the definitions of a relationship

I read this today:

The lover is dependant, entirely, terriblly dependent on his beloved for something he needs, the reciprocity of his love… [but] He will only be loved if she finds him pre-eminiment. He must present himself in the guise in which she would see her beloved. This leads to a false presentation of the self and the chronic fear of exposure and loss of love

I read that paragraph and thought nothing of it at first until I looked at how I approached love. I did not realize till now that I was systematically taught to be dependant on my future lover in the stereotypical” true womanhood”

You may ask what the “true womanhood”? Well, it is four characteristic that a woman must have to be considered a “woman”, those are piety, purity, submissiveness, and domesticity. With those four traits they a woman is to care for any other male counterpart but to do that she must be completely dependant on whoever the male counterpart is.

Now going back to how I approach love in this mind frame. I’m not saying I fit all of the aspect of a “true woman” but I notice that some aspects I hold higher than others for example, I want to remain pure till marriage or I find the right guy. Looking at this I am being dutiful for Mr. Right thought my pure body and being submissive to my needs so that I can be domestic to his sexual needs. I rationalize this and I am yelling at my self saying,” I’m not like this I’m pretty feminist”! Yet I keep going back to what I think is the true way to be a woman and I don’t even realizing it.

This brings the questing what is right because a lot of what I have been taught or bombarded with from society is mostly a myth. Yes, that is right most of what we believe a man and a woman should be is ficitious, they were ideals that were welcomed by the masses and turned in to the way things should be. (I was so shocked when I figured that out but back on subject.)

Which caused me to think how do I go about this approach of figuring out what is right for me yet at the same time no go crazy from the double edge sword of thinking.

Could this be my love story

Could the love story that grips me be a, Romantic Rescue? Could this type of love give me better uses for love and give a better meaning and significance to my life. Love, in this story, is all-powerful. It is the catalyst to change to help my partner become the person they want themselves to be, and show the world what I am made of. Some people put themselves in the role of hero in this love story — nursing an ailing partner back to health, saving him from a string of previously destructive relationships, maybe even saving him from a physical danger. Other people with whom may share this story cast themselves as those in need of rescue - relying on their partners to swoop in and save them from whatever ill-fate's been visited upon them, either real or imagined.

If it is my love story then actions speak almost louder than words but words support actions. Another thought to this story is: If someone is willing to care for a loved one in times of adversity, they have already demonstrated a strong level of commitment, as well as proof that they can carry me through the tough times. They have also inspired in me a confidence that will not only be willing to, but looking to switch roles when the need arises. There is a distinct comfort in this.



So how exactly this story does goes? Many may say, have I experienced some loss in my life. Did I help take care of family members when I was young? Did I need more attention and care than my parents were able to provide? Could I tend to repeat my childhood roles in my adult relationships, whether I’m aware of it or not? If was a caregiver early in life, I may continue to be so in romantic relationships. If I needed more attention from parents, I automatically provide others with the care they wished they had received. (If you would like to know take time to ask)

Think about this while reading the basis of the story. Being needed is a basic human desire. Being able to depend on one another is what gives relationships meaning, so it's no wonder that this love story is so powerful. Evidence of the archetypal story is all around me — in history, books, and movies. In the classic fairytale "Beauty in the Beast," a woman brings out the softer side of a grumpy monster. She sees beyond his gruff exterior and gains his love in return. In "Breaking the Waves," Emily Watson plays a woman who makes the ultimate sacrifice to have her husband. He comes to regard her as a saint. My story is being told and retold because it resonates with so many people.



How do I find this love? Oddly enough it in found in the strangest of places. Do my romances tend to begin with a major drama, or a jarring event? A major historic event, a layoff at the office, a crisis I need to solve? I may often date people while they're in a transition period of their life? It is very common to feel especially appreciated if I feel that I have "earned" it by helping another person in some way. For some people, this love story helps cover up an insecurity that they are otherwise not good enough for their partner, that they might not have been noticed except for their role as caregiver. (humm)



I am a take-charge kind of person. Problems exist so I can fix them, and I tend to seek out projects. Was I the peacemaker in my family? Perhaps I was strapped with a lot of responsibilities at an early age. At times I tend to put others' well being before my own? I volunteer or give money to good causes. Am I likely a great friend, always listening and offering good advice? My self-confidence stems from my ability to make others happy and provide for their needs.

Although this love story tends to be categorized as "codependent," it can be mutually beneficial. Diamonds in the rough do exist, and if anyone's to uncover them, it'll be me. I find the good in people that others may overlook. I may have a way with drawing out people's best sides. They are inclined to respond to my kindness with warmth and generosity. This love story isn't just about me saving someone, it's about being saved myself. In helping another, I can ask for help in return. Remember, this love story is just a question of could, how, and why in a sense an outline. But can I follow it, yes, but I can scrap it and take my love life in a new direction. Understanding my story and the role it plays in my life is the first step in determining what's right.



This in no way is saying I am in love but instead stating that I have met someone that is causing me to think in this manor. I am calling these thoughts my love story which with all stories have a beginging plot or shall I say pre writting stage . I know these thoughts may take time to figure out but I guess as people say, one day at a time for understanding. In my world the way it goes thoughts are welcomed



me

The Way I See It # 42

This quote on the back of the starbucks cup has yet again caused me to go humm. It is pretty interesting ways to prompt the question as to what rights do living breathing creations have. I personally think all living things have rights; not giving rights to all living creatures is to say because this living creature is not human is why it does not have rights. To use that as a reason to not give a living creature rights is not justifiable logic. There has to be more involved than we are a high species and because of this we have the right to pick and choose. At times we each need to think with logic and not fear mixed with emotions. Each creature needs the other to live because as John Donne stated " No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is peece of the Continent, apart of the maine." The need to have the "great chain of being" to determine where each living creation needs to be is not necessary. What is necessary is to determine what each living creature has to offer, apply it to where it is needed and create laws and regulations to prevent chaos. I want to know, who are we as humans to determine who does and does not have rights. I'm just going to say that.
Well here is the quote that started me thinking it is by David Liss Author or A Spectacle of Corruption and The Coffee Trader;

We know that chimpanzees possess language, culture, and self-awareness, so why don't we afford them rights? The most common argument is that if we give chimps rights, the next thing you know we'll be giving rights to squirrels. It seems to me, however, a pretty poor decision to deny rights to those who deserve them lest we accidentally afford them to those who don't.

Pathways

Do not go where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path and leave
A trail
- R.W Emmerson


These last few days have been a bit of a “sign” giving moment. Yesterday I was walking around the building at work and a guy walks beside me. Here I am walking in my own world and minding my own business. I guess at time I look like the world is caving in on me when I focus outside of myself. Well I am turning the corner and the guy that is walking beside me says, “hold up towards God”. I smile and say ,”of course” and “Thanks”, but what he said to me caught me off guard especially since I said that this past Fridays incident was a sign. I just don’t know what to think about all of this but I know that no matter how much pushing the powers that be do I am not changing my stance on what I think. People may say if there is this much going on because you will not conform to the “norm” maybe your views are incorrect. I guess if I were to conform to what I was taught to learn maybe I would not need all of these “signs”. I need to know before I decide to do that if what I know is true. Sometime faith is not all a person needs to survive. There are answers that make sense to each individual person before they are to conform and a lot of the times with religion it is vague answers that do not help the confusion. I will take this one day at a time and make an educated and concise decision.

The mad car

S came over to the apartment last night and things were well. He's so cute!!! I can see myself with him for a long time for many reasons but S is as eccentric as I am but way, way mellower. Which for me is good because at time I can go off the deep end and I need that balance or I will forget why I am doing what ever it is that I am doing. He met my sister and I hope it was a good impression. Well I know it was because I don't introduce my partners to my family unless they are a good person. After leaving here we went back to his place well I didn’t make it there. It was so odd to have what happen to me occur.

I was driving right next to S and I wanted to speed up. Once I started to speed up the car accelerated which I was ok with but then it jumped to 110 mph. Now keep in mind that I am in a SUV going down a some what busy street at 110mph and the kicker was that I could not stop the car. At the point I realized that the car would not stop I freaked. Ok I lost my damn mind. I ran through two red lights and almost got hit , but I knew that before I got to the next major intersection ,which had way more traffic, I needed to get the car under control. So I attempt to stop the car by placing it into park. BIG MISTAKE!! The car lost control and I went into a huge circle over two lanes, which were separated by and five to six inch median. I started screaming just out of fear of 1) flipping the truck over 2) hitting someone’s car and 3) hitting the office buildings I was near. Here I am at 11:45pm going in a circle, not being able to stop, and almost creating an accident. Wouldn't you freak but then again some people have been in other circumstances and handled it better than I did. Finally after I would say 15 minutes of going in a screaming, uncontrollable circle, t the mad car kicks into reverse and then jumps the curb into a pile of shrubs. Here I am in this demonic car feeling relieved it's over and anguished that I could not stop the car. I guess my screaming was so loud it caused some of the residents in the area to come over and help me out. They were really nice people and it made me glad that I am the type of person that would stop if I see a person in need of assistance. Well one of the onlookers called the police because she was not certain if any one was hurt which made me feel a little better. The highway patrol come to the area and asks if I was ok and ask if I need a tow service. Of course I would but before I could answer the male officer ask if he could get in the car to see if it was moveable. He moves the seat back and then proceeds to turn off the radio, he then turns to me and says, "Ma'am your floor mat was wedged into the gas pedal which caused the uncontrollable acceleration of the car." I almost fainted which then turned into embarrassment that I caused all this commotions because the damn floor mat was the reason I almost died. The officer drives the car out of the bush and tells me it is safe to drive the car. I did not want to get back into that car but the office reassures me that it is fine and that all I needed to do was removed the floor mat. As I am getting into the car S shows up and I was so happy to see him but at the same time I was so upset towards myself that I could not have figured that out. I allowed my fear to override my sense of reason that I could not figure out it was a small thing that prevented me from stopping. Honestly I don't want to drive ever again but I want to.


So, I drive off with S tailing me to make sure I'll be ok. I am sitting in the car driving shaken up from the whole experience’s pull over because I am fearful of anything else bad happening to me. Once I pulled over I started to cry, I don't know why but the tears just kept flowing. S pulls over as well and asks if I am ok. I feebly shake my head no and the tears just got worse. He opens the door and helps me out of the car. He then gives me the best hug I have ever had and tells me I am going to be fine. The skeptic that I am would have told him no but this time it felt genuine and I could not argue with his choice of words. For the first time in my life I let my guard down in front of someone. I usually hold back everything and give the idea that I am ok even though I am not. I felt really great to do that for one to show someone that I'm not ok. S was very reassuring, concerned, and in a sense protective. I thank the Supreme One for him at this point in my life and at that time last night. He was what I needed. Well I have to go; we're being a domesticated couple tonight. Ha-ha laundry, cooking and a movie. Really eventful there eh but I'm glad after the week I've had I need to not go clubbing this weekend.

Last note: Honestly I don't want to drive ever again but since RT is hella slow I guess I have no choice huh. It will take a week or two for me to make a joke out of this but I see it as a sign for some kind of change in my life. Now what is that I don't know but I'll figure it out?

:) Me remaining positive at all cost

Guesstimate

Guesstimate

Function: verb [with object]

Inflected forms:
Guesstimates; guesstimated; guesstimating

Status: informal

Meaning:
: To make a quick estimate of (something)
Example:


Derived form:
Guesstimate noun [count]
Plural: guesstimates
Status: informal
Example:


I was floored when I got this word in my email today. Guesstimate is a word *ahhhhhhrr* I have been using this word forever. Seeing this in my email for the new word of the day was a very funny start to my day. To give clear understanding why I get a new word of the day is because of my college composition teacher. Professor Moniet stated that we as Americans are loosing our ability to speak with a variety of vocabulary. I heard that and it rang very true for me, so I went online to Miriam Webster dictionary online (www.m-w.com) and signed up for the new word of the day. When I get the word I write a sentence and try to use it in every day conversation, just like I used to do when I was in grade school. The teacher would give our class a list of 25 vocabulary words for the week and by the end of the week the words would have to be written out 10 times used twice in a sentence. I would say from grade 1-5 I knew a lot of words, then I was introduced to public school and vocabulary disappeared which was sad.
I guess I have always been learning words because I like to read. When I read it is with a notebook and dictionary in hand. The reason I have those two items is for words I don't know or understand in their context. If I read a word I don't know or understand I would write the word or sentence down, then look it up in the dictionary, afterwards write the definition and then keep reading. I know reading a book may take forever since I spend a lot of time looking things up. Then that statement bright up this question: Would spending time looking up words I don't understand and going through the whole process to gain an understanding of words I do not know, create for me the ability to become a critical thinker and reader?
I don't know that answer but I guess I would need to spend time evaluating that question for myself since I have to read a book for the American history class I am taking. The book is titled, " The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap”, by Stephanie Coontz. In the words of the author the book,” examines the myths and half-truths that surround our understanding of American families, both past and present." I am going to write about my views and understandings of this book while reading this for a final essay in my history class. I will create another blog website titled after the book and go from there. Also any other books I happen to read as well will go here :

booksreaders.blogspot.com

:)Me

10 ways to avoid outrageous hospital overcharges

10 ways to avoid outrageous hospital overcharges

Profit-hungry hospitals are overcharging consumers an estimated $10 billion a year. Some deliberately work to keep bills indecipherable. Here's how to fight back. By Peter Davidson,
Bankrate.com

-I want people to read this and understand that we as Americans are getting ripped off because we do not take the time to know what we are being charged for by our medical providers. It is a very hard process to get answers but it will save hundreds even thousands of dollars if the extra initiative is put in. Talk to the lawmakers in your area to create ideas for billing in the medical industry understandable. Keep pushing till something is done.

American hospitals are fleecing patients out of billions of dollars annually, and experts say that while some of the overcharges are honest errors, many are deliberate. That's because hospital bills are next to impossible for consumers to understand, which means hospitals can hide improper charges behind mysterious medical terminology and baffling codes.That's what Nora Johnson found when her 56-year-old husband, Bill, underwent hip-replacement surgery in 1999. The cost of the operation was $25,000. Knowing that her family would have to pay a percentage of the costs, she requested an itemized bill.$129 for a box of tissues"What I got was five feet of single-spaced names and codes," recalls Johnson. Written in "hospital-speak," some of it made sense, she says, while some of it was absurd. Like the charge for newborn blood tests and a crib mobile. That stopped me in my tracks," recalls Johnson. "As far as I know, my husband never had a baby."Johnson, from Caldwell, W.Va., was so shocked by the overcharges she became a trained medical billing advocate. Today, she audits hospital bills for consumers and for state employees in West Virginia."More than 90% of the hospital bills I've audited have gross overcharges," says Johnson. Estimates on hospital overcharges run up to $10 billion a year, with an average of $1,300 per hospital stay. Other experts say overcharges make up approximately 5% of hospital bills. "I've seen $90 charged for a 70-cent I.V. How about $129 for a mucous recovery system? That's a box of Kleenex," Johnson adds.

She's also seen charges for ordinary supplies, such as towels and sheets, that should be included in the room charges.Johnson says some overcharges are mistakes, but many are deliberate. "Hospitals are huge moneymakers," she explains. "Their executives enjoy big bonuses." As a result, "Hospitals have become highly innovative when it comes to billing, and ordinary citizens have no idea they're being ripped off," says Johnson, who is affiliated with Salem, Va.-based Medical Billing Advocates of America.Experts baffled, tooBut making sure that you are charged correctly can be a daunting task. That's what Richard Clarke found out firsthand shortly after his father died in 2000.Despite the fact that he is a former hospital chief financial officer, Clarke admits, sorting through the bills took him a year. In the end he found $2,000 in errors.

That's because bills from just one hospital stay will come pouring in, and they come from many providers: Your surgeon, anesthesiologist, pathologist, labs, as well as the hospital.Bill Mahon is executive director of the National Health Care Anti-Fraud Association, a group of insurers and law enforcement officials in Washington, D.C. He says patients are helpless to decipher their bills. As a result, says Mahon, providers can slip in overcharges."The medical billing system is complicated and confusing," admits Rick H. Wade, senior vice president of the American Hospital Association, which represents most of the hospitals in the United States. On Dec. 27, 2002, he told a "Dateline NBC" investigative team, "Trying to understand all the code words and jargon can turn your brain into oatmeal."Hospitals discourage consumers from checking billsBecause health insurance plans have different contracts with differing payment schedules, there is no single rate sheet you can consult.Nevertheless, experts say reviewing your bill for overcharges is vital. For one thing, if you are required to pay some of your hospital expenses, either as a deductible or a co-payment, overcharges will come out of your pocket. What's more, most insurance plans have a cap, meaning, "Money siphoned off by errors or fraud can chip away at your lifetime total," says Tom Brennan, Blue Cross/Blue Shield's director of special investigations.Your credit rating may be at risk too. "Hospitals have become very aggressive about collecting money," says Nora Johnson. And, according to a 1998 study of hospital billing procedures, they go to extraordinary lengths to discourage patients from delving too deeply into their bills. "Citizens are becoming more educated about hospital billing and taking responsibility of ensuring that their charges are correct," said the study's principal author, Dr. Kimberly Elsbach, of the University of California, Davis. "Hospitals are countering that with their own efforts to discourage people from becoming involved with challenges or audits because it costs them a great deal of time and money."And they waste no time turning accounts over to collection agencies or filing liens.

Don't be taken for a rideNevertheless, experts say you can take these steps to make sure that you're not taken for a ride.
If your hospitalization isn't for an emergency, check your insurance policy to find out just what it will cover and how much it will pay. Be sure to carefully review the section on "exceptions and exclusions." It will tell you what your plan will not cover.
Phone the hospital's billing department and ask them what you will be charged for the room, and just what the room charges cover. If tissues aren't included, for example, bring your own.
Ask your doctor to estimate your cost of treatment. Also, ask if you can bring your regular prescriptions from home to avoid paying for medications administered at the hospital.
Make sure that everyone who will be treating you -- the surgeon, anesthesiologist, radiologist, pathologist, etc. -- participates in your insurance plan.
If you can, keep your own log of tests, medications, and treatments. If you are not able to, ask a friend or loved one to do it for you.


At some point you will receive an explanation of benefits (EOB) from your insurance company (if you're on Medicare, you will receive a summary notice). It will say, "This is not a bill." Don't toss it in the trash. Examine it. It will tell you how much the hospital is charging, what your insurance plan will cover, and what you will have to pay out of your own pocket in deductibles and co-payments.


Never pay your bill before leaving the hospital -- even if you're told that it's required.
When you get your bill, read it carefully. Compare it to the log you made, to the EOB, and to the estimate of costs you requested before you were admitted.
If there are items you don't understand, call the billing department and your insurer, and ask them to explain. Don't accept bills that use terms like "lab fees," or "miscellaneous fees." Demand an itemization. If you don't get satisfaction from the hospital billing department -- and you probably won't -- appeal in writing to the hospital administrator or patient ombudsman.
If you are still scratching your head, ask for an itemized bill as well as your medical records to confirm whether or not you received the treatments and medications you've been billed for. Every state now requires hospitals to provide itemized bills.Since helping sort out his late father's medical bills, Richard Clarke, the former hospital CFO, has became founder and president of the Healthcare Financial Management Association, an Illinois-based association of medical finance officers who work with the American Hospital Association and other groups to develop more consumer-friendly billing.They're aiming for easy-to-read bills and printed pamphlets that will help consumers understand hospital-speak. Until that happens, however, consumers will be on their own.

Safeguard your Social Security number

Safeguard your Social Security number

Protect yourself from identity theft by keeping a tight rein on your Social Security number. Only a few organizations have the right to demand it. Here's how to fend off the rest. By Bankrate.com

- Laziness is the condemnation of the person who thinks convenience is with the universal all. Everyone be careful. Since we are a society who believes that one size fits all, one place for all needs, one system to hold every thing we are condemned to have these issues. Reason being variety is the fruit of life as well safety. If you don't need to give extra information about yourself don't. A side note if someone calls you don't give up your extra sensitive information , but if you call them rule of thumb you can give your sensitive info but get the name, ext, location, and superiors name of the person you give this information to . No one else is going to keep tabs for you but you.

"I think it's spooky.Everybody has that one number, and everything about you is tied to it," worries Jim Edwards, program director at WJNO in West Palm Beach, Fla."Put it in a computer and poof -- here's your bank account, your phone number, where you work."The key to all that private information? Your Social Security number. Edwards was way ahead of most people. Back in the early '80s, he refused to give his Social Security number when he enrolled at Miami Dade Community College. The school wanted to use it as a student identification number, but Edwards held his ground and the school gave him a different number -- all zeros, as he recalls.Today, schools, phone companies, utilities, health clubs, insurance companies, video stores -- just about everybody wants your Social Security number. Some of the more prevalent uses are to get your credit rating and determine whether you pay your bills, and to keep track of you through name and address changes. But companies also use your Social Security number to develop marketing lists, which they can sell to other companies. A list with the numbers is more valuable than one without.Why should you care who sees your Social Security number? The more people who see it, the more susceptible you are to identity theft, where you are victimized by someone fraudulently using your name and credit report to steal money.Identity theft costs American businesses billions each year, costs that are eventually passed on to all consumers. The toll on victims is heavy, too. The California Public Interest Research Group estimates that, on average, an identity theft victim will spend 175 hours and $800 trying to clear their record of fraudulent charges.

"I've seen accounts opened with wrong names and different addresses. As long as there's a SSN, that's all some of them care about," says Linda Foley of the Identity Theft Research Center in San Diego.Who has the right to ask for your digits?While any business can ask for your Social Security number, there are very few entities that can actually demand it -- motor vehicle departments, tax departments and welfare departments, for example. Also, SSNs are required for transactions involving taxes, so that means banks, brokerages, employers, and the like also have a legitimate need for your SSN. Most other businesses have no legal right to demand your number."There is no law prohibiting a business from asking for your Social Security number, but people don't know they can say no," says Carolyn Cheezum of the Social Security Administration."We recommend that you ask if they'll accept an alternative piece of identification. If they don't, flat-out refuse to do business with them. Bear in mind that there's a possibility they'll refuse to provide whatever product or service you're seeking."Edwards, for example, won't give his Social Security number to his doctor's office."When you go to the doctor's office and fill out the medical information, they ask for the SSN. I leave it blank. Nothing happens. I'm not reporting income from them."In fact, chances are good that many companies that routinely ask for Social Security numbers will do business with you even if they can't have your number."We ask for a Social Security number to open an account, but it's not required," says Michael Lowndes of the Long Island Power Authority."The Social Security number is just part of the customer's record. A common problem with utility accounts is people open an account, default and reopen another account using the same Social. We can use that to discover the problem."Kimberly Brown at Bell South headquarters in Atlanta says there's a procedure the company follows if someone doesn't want to give his number."We ask them to fill out a questionnaire to determine their payment history. We don't do a credit check; we depend on them being honest. The questionnaire determines the Bell South rating for them, and then that determines whether they'll have to pay a deposit to establish service."Your cat is sick? Give us your Social Security numberLinda Foley of the Identity Theft Research Center says she brought her critically ill cat to a vet's office and balked when she was asked for her SSN."I said why? Will it be my cat's ID number? They said no, but if you give us a check we want a driver's license and a SSN in case the check bounces. I said I'd pay by credit card. They said it's our policy to get the number. "I said if I give you a credit card and refuse to give you my Social Security number, you'd let my cat die right now? They looked at me and the cat and said, 'Give us the card; we'll take care of it.' I was upset about the cat, but I was frustrated by the way I was being treated. It was unnecessary."Social Security numbers and identity theftSocial Security numbers exist for the purpose of tracking earnings and paying benefits, Cheezum says. Although President Franklin Roosevelt signed an order requiring federal agencies to use SSNs for record-keeping systems, they were never meant to be used by businesses as an identifier, but have taken on that role because everyone has one.But the snowballing problem of identity theft is spurring some governments to limit the use of SSNs.

California is leading the way with its law barring businesses, health care providers and schools from:
Publicly posting Social Security numbers or requiring them for access to products or services.
Printing of Social Security numbers on cards required for accessing products or services.
Requiring an individual to use his or her Social Security number to access a Web site unless a password is also required to access the site.Printing an individual's SSN on any materials that are mailed to the individual.
The state of New York limits the use of Social Security numbers in schools and colleges. New York public and private schools cannot publicly display Social Security numbers. Many are opting to assign students identification numbers.
Arizona has passed similar legislation.Foley says she hopes other states will follow suit and be even more restrictive so that SSNs will eventually be used only for a few selective purposes.
But, Foley says, until that happens, the first defense against the fraudulent use of Social Security numbers are the companies that issue credit."Are they verifying that the person applying for credit is the true consumer? Are they looking carefully for red flags that might alert them to possible fraudulent use? If a credit application has a last name spelled incorrectly or an address different from the credit record, that should provoke someone into calling the consumer."Some privacy rights proponents say Social Security numbers shouldn't be used for obtaining credit. Does that mean a second number would have to be issued for people seeking credit? Would that be any better than the current system?More protections in CaliforniaPerhaps California's newly enacted privacy law offers a better option.In addition to limiting the use of Social Security numbers, the law allows a consumer to place a "security freeze" on his credit report. The freeze prohibits consumer-credit-reporting agencies from releasing the consumer's credit report or any information from it without express authorization from the consumer.

Time will tell if that provision works better than the more common "alerts" that many people put on their credit reports. With an "alert" a consumer is supposed to be notified that someone is attempting to obtain credit in his or her name. But stories abound of breakdowns in the system. If someone uses your Social Security number to obtain credit and doesn't pay the bills, you'll discover the fraud as soon as the bill collectors come calling. But sometimes an identity thief actually pays the bills and, in those instances, it could be a long time before you discover the fraud.The best way to find out if someone is fraudulently using your Social Security number is to request copies of your credit reports at least once a year. There are three main credit-reporting agencies. It's a good idea to get a copy of your report from each agency so you can check for discrepancies. You can order your credit report from: TransUnion, Equifax and Experian.

A way to abloish Crime in America

White House criticizes Bennett for comments Ex-education secretary tied crime rate to aborting black babies

The Associated Press
Updated: 7:55 p.m. ET Sept. 30, 2005

-I was appaled when I read this article. Crime is not an African American cause it is a cause of people who declined to follow the moral standards. What next how to get rid of racism? Abort all the White American babies. When people speak they do not speak what is true from logic and facts but instead from emotions and an unbais fear.

WASHINGTON - The White House on Friday criticized former Education Secretary William Bennett for remarks linking the crime rate and the abortion of black babies.
“The president believes the comments were not appropriate,” White House press secretary Scott McClellan said.
Bennett, on his radio show, “Morning in America,” was answering a caller’s question when he took issue with the hypothesis put forth in a recent book that one reason crime is down is that abortion is up.
“But I do know that it’s true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down,” said Bennett, author of “The Book of Virtues.”
He went on to call that “an impossible, ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do, but your crime rate would go down. So these far-out, these far-reaching, extensive extrapolations are, I think, tricky.”
Democrats demand apologyOn Thursday, Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and other Democrats demanded that Bennett apologize for the remarks.
Responding later to criticism, Bennett said his comments had been mischaracterized and that his point was that the idea of supporting abortion to reduce crime was “morally reprehensible.”
On his show Thursday, Bennett, who opposes abortion, said he was “pointing out that abortion should not be opposed for economic reasons any more than racism ... should be supported or opposed for economic reasons. Immoral policies are wrong because they are wrong, not because of an economic calculation.”
Reid, D-Nev., said he was “appalled by Mr. Bennett’s remarks” and called on him “to issue an immediate apology not only to African Americans but to the nation.”
Rep. Raum Emanuel, D-Ill., said in a statement, “At the very time our country yearns for national unity in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, these comments reflect a spirit of hate and division.”

Understand, Who me ?

It is so hard to understand why I keep loosing guys,for instance with S, I thought we were back on track after our conversation; I suppose I was mistaken. The last week I have called and tried to spend time together and it seems as if he is ignoring me, which previously he has not. So at this point with S I am just going to keep my distance and wait to see if I have to cut my ties. Then there is J who told me he did not have time to create a relationship, but I find out J started dating another girl. J tells me that he wanted me to be the one he was dating but did not know where I stood with the relationship we had. I knew at that point when he said that I needed to let J go. I told him what I wanted and he didn’t want to listen which is not my fault. The exciting thing was when I told J best of luck I was hurt and frustrated ,again this month, I began to get to the point where I didn’t care anymore and was relieved it was over since I was leaning towards that anyways. This weekend was interesting over all though besides those two issues (which aren’t issues any more).
I went out to Tunel 21 a bar/club here in town with my sis and usually when I go clubbing I dance on the floor. My sister, as a side note this was my first time clubbing with her, did not want to go to the floor because it was packed. I enjoy a packed dance floor because of the people co-mingling, the sexual tension, all the people keeping up to the beat the DJ is throwing out, and just the vibe you pick up from people dancing close to you. The dance floor is networking at its best! Well here we are standing along the wall and I look pretty bored and agitated, on the other hand she is fine just dancing by herself as she is drinking an apple martini. Ok, I was dancing a little but not as much as if I were on the floor dancing. The guy I am standing next to speaks to me for a few seconds and o my he was a cutie. I was about 5’5 with heels on mind you I’m 5’2. He was about 6’5 (another side note I am very attracted to tall guys I guess it’s the small, short girl that wants a big tall guy to protect her) light hazel eyes which attracted me first and a very soothing voice. I wasn’t feeling his choice of clothing (ok the materialistic side of me) but overall he seemed like a nice person just as I was getting into the convo.;my sis ask me to walk with her to the bar for another drink, so I walk with her over to the bar.
When I come back Mr. Tall with a soothing voice was going and in his place was another group of guys. I stand there bobbing my head and looking around at the scenery. All of a sudden I see a hand hit the back of this guys head as he is walking past. My face frowned in anguish because I don’t want a fight in my vicinity that I have to break up. The guy that is hit turns around in anger he recognizes the face that hit him and laughs as he walks away. You wanted to know the true feeling of relived, that was me in one that moment! I guess the guy that hit him saw my relief pokes my waist and told me,” You have my permission to hit him and anyone else in here.” He was nice but not as cute as the first guy. Well at any point to make a long story short. I and Daniel had a nice conversation for the rest of the night. I didn’t take his number and he didn’t ask for mine which was ok. The conversation gave me a view that there are interesting, intelligent, put together men out there. I just need to be patent and take more time for I and maybe he’ll come around. I’m slowly coming around to that view of life. :) Me