Finding

Ever get the chance to do something over again? The questions are different now that you have the chance to do the something over again. New found feelings arise now that the chance has come again. Only difference is that there is action in stead of blind faith. The I wish I shoulda coulda woulda’s have disappeared to the I hope I cant I won’t I don’t knows . It’s frustrating to have the second chance but have second guesses. I assume it’s a part of life.

I have a second chance with an old bf but I don’t want to rush into it because I am learning that dating equates short term. I want the next relationship I am in to end in marriage. I have promised myself no more long term hopes build in a short term shelter that is called dating. This new concept sounds nice

But...
My body and emotion, my words and my reaction show completely different. I will take a moment to justify my current actions. He brings back that spark, a light a glowing amber of what I want in a life time partner but I know that I have, we have, changed from adolescents to adults. However, I want to dive into this feeling in my old fashion and throw change out of the window. I haven’t had this feeling since we were together and I have been trying to substitute it since. This is why I want to jump into this blindly and let my hopes and wants take over. I want this feeling to be with me all my life ( that I have left) To constantly have him and God on my mind , to constantly be a child in “love” and having naive views of the world around me while always focusing on my inner world.

But….
I have resolved from this point onward to act in this manor: this man is my friend and that I would see him as nothing more till I am told other wise. I am realizing that the pursuit of my wants and right now needs end up hurting each time. It took me a while to realize, well actually when I was dealing with L, that my own unhappiness was self created. The reason why, I destroyed a possibly good person and possible long term relationship because I was not patient. Dang, I was hoping this would move at a faster pace but I will wait.

Now….
Shit has happened. I’ve said too much (as usual) I just don’t understand. I know I’ve said too much. I took something and blew it out of proportion. On the other hand if I said nothing and playfully; joked along then it could have been perceived that I agree with what was stated. I don’t and I never will again agree with being the shadow. The mysterious one lurking in the background hoping things will change. I’ve said to much and now the feeling I have a confusing. They hurt... it makes me wish I never felt this way to just accept the second change as a blessing and read nothing into it because it would have eliminated me from being an ass again. I look at the phone and hope. I try to find things to do with my time but the soft reminder of that voice just makes it seem pointless. All I want to know is that it will be okay yet I am proud that I said something instead of nothing.

Now…
I just want to know. I hate the waiting part after words have been spoken that could end or strengthen. I just hate when I say too much and the person says nothing in return. It is agonizing not to know anything. I prefer being yelled at than to hear nothing. I want to give space I want to have this will of this person at their own accord not me forcing or pushing the subject. I’m impatient I want to know now … *sigh* I’ll leave it alone and let it come when it will. I pack up the bundle of emotions the momentary joys and save it for another opportune moment for another opportune person. It’s a waste to wait on one when one times a million are what my chances on finding the right one could be. I want to quit finding others who are attached and feel that it’s okay to have an extra piece of cake. So alone I’ll wait till God places the right in my left.