Ah midway to 50 years old. It’s at this point that may attributes good or bad are set in stone and to make changes for improvement are slim to none. Many times it takes a life taking circumstance to change the good or bad attributes to improve lifestyle.
Since S and I have ended our relationship, it has been very hard to just pick up the pieces and move on. I thought I had done so with L but I have realized that with L I can have what I truly believe I deserve as a women and a person. L believes in traditional women and men roles where as I believe that these roles are unisex (with the exception to the obvious physical aspects which are not unisex). I tried to hold on to L because I just don’t want to be alone and he has some really good traits but just knowing if push comes to shove he could become abusive and demanding because of his ideas. I know I can’t settle and I won’t settle yet dating is so hard when for me it has come so easily. It is always the fight of settle or moves on to adapt or manipulate. Why do I say this? Well I just left L’s home and I was trying to convey that I don’t think I could keep fighting for him. Just maybe see that his belief in tradition is unfair to woman. To let him know, I care but to make such a sacrifice is not beneficial to both parties. As well, the only reason I am hanging on is in fear of being a lone and to see what I really am made of in my own space. Sad to know this is why I am hanging on but true. I will let him know tomorrow but tonight I was going to tell him.
Guess what happened?
L brushed off what I was going to say because he heard one word and decided I was drugging up the past. I hate being brushed off. Just because I say something that you may not like to hear in the midst of a conversation does not justify a “brush off”. I mean listen to what I have to say and then make a point. I can’t conteou to be with a person because I don’t want to be alone and I will not settle because the majority outweighs a small problem that could get worse with time. However I have learned a lesson and I have gained insight to how a woman can become drawn into an abusive relationship. Yet at the same time I could not have sympathy because the signs are there before hand. I am reading the writing on the wall and it is telling me to run and never look back.
On the other hand, I saw S at the store up the street from my apt. Well, he works there. He text msg me to let me know he saw me and to say hello. Those messages brought up so many, I thought were dead, feelings. Anycase, as the conversation carries on, I tell S that I don’t believe God told him to break up with me because God would not tell a man to leave a woman that is having issues understanding His will.
S in turn defended his stance and told me something that gave me insight hat it was not God’s choice but his.
S states that after a specific service I told him that I did not appreciate the pastor telling the church to praise God as well as that church was not a huge factor for me. I told him that I think it was the pastor creating the praise to God and not the people. I expressed to him that organized religion tells it’s members they are not praising God well enough to their standards when in turn it is not any man or woman’s to tell people how to praise God. I told S that is the issues I had with organized religion that people in leadership roles take it upon themselves to take God’s place. I told him about the scripture in Psalm (“Make a joyful noise unto the Lord all ye lands to come into His presence with thanks giving knowing that He the Lord is God.”) S goes into that it is the responsibility of the man of God to do that for his people. I knew trying to explain my view would be against the word of God so I left it alone. Yet I had issues with him stating that church was not a part of my life.
I told him that it always was but I was going through a stage in my life that I needed to know why I believed in a religion. I mean I grew up in church and that was all I was indoctrinated with then to find out other information cause me to wonder why. On the flip side I did not go into detail because it was a text message, which is why I think I really want to talk to S again it is to get my point across to really have closure with him. On the other hand, I really want him back in my life. This was the one many, beside N, that I felt like myself with and I truly loved and that I did not need to play a role with. I knew that S was my partner not my “parent” and that we were always growing. I was valued and validated as well as supported and cherished. Even in the short time that I knew S we connected well. When I first met him it was like we were picking up from where we left off.
I just want him to see that I am progressing to become the Christian God wants me to become. That maybe God was showing S that he was to help me in my journey not shuns me away because I was not conforming. Then again maybe the break up gave me this opportunity to get over the n fear of why I believe in my faith. That I need to know for my self not force why I believe in God, I am not doing this for S but for myself. I just want him to know of my progress.
The best way to persuade is with your ears. - Dean Rusk
