GIVER

I try hard to obtain what I want, yet it appears as if I am trying to hard. I don't know what it is when I try to keep people close and show that I am good person it's taken as if I am trying to breathe the same air they are. Then when I step back and give space it seems like I don't care at all. The attempt in understanding that maybe it's me and maybe it's me is hard but is not the focus of my life. I say this because kindness is not something I have to give but I do because it is who I am.

So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.

I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.

That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .

Let known

If I were to stop allowing you in
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were