confuseddumfounderandotherstuff

Lately, I can not finish what I have started in my life. For example, I was so hyped to start the drastic changes I needed to make in my life. Now it's like I just don't care anymore, as if I don’t want to try to put forth an effort to do anything. As odd and crazy as that sound, the kicker here is that I don't know why. I wonder if others felt the way I do now. I mean feeling as if the true self, who you really are, is fighting to get out but only to be suppressed down each time. You can see yourself but you are not within yourself. I guess this reminds me of something an old friend of mine said when she was trying to loose weight. At the time I found the comment funny, I am now looking back at that moment and kind of understanding what truth it rings. "I am living in a body that I am not made for and she's fighting to get out of the fat." I feel that each day I live is not the life that I am supposed to be living as if everything around me is surreal. I want to get out of this rut I feel (or even if it is feel).I am trying to understand why I am in the unknown state but it's like a record with a lump in it. The record keep going around and everything seems to flow but I hit that bump and for a moment I'm wondering what’s going on. Now, some call this depression and I have been depressed before however this feeling I have is nothing like being depressed. I guess I can call it acting with a costume. I have no issues keeping up with doing for other but I am unresponsive with myself. I smile when I want to scream and I scream when I want to cry.
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how