My own________ experiance

I was online reading female misogynist blog spot and she was talking about the suicide of her sister that was pretty recent for them. While I was reading this it struck a cord with me because September 3, 2001 I had attempted suicide myself. Yes, I know now that it was stupid, selfish, and irrational but when I was in the midst of my inner turmoil logic was not what I was clinging to, to hold me sane.

I don’t tend to ever talk about this point in my life, my breakdown, my low point, and my revision. I thought why should I, I knew I made a mistake and I did not want to go back to understand why because I have already done this. Why is that people think we have to dig up an issues , relive it to only burry it again. This is not going to be that in this writting.

Here I am two and half years later prompted to dig out the mess I created, the turning point to who I am now. All because I stopped by another persons bog spot and because my sister threw it in my face during an arument. If there is a skeptics out there that does not believe in the cliché saying, "Things in life happen for a reason" I am here to say they do.

I am now question myself. Asking the question: is this just a trend in my life right now to stop, rethink, react, and change what ever it is that I am doing wrong or right to what could be possibly better? At this point I just don't know.

I keep asking myself this question repeatedly yet I know what I have to do. I stopped have sex so causally. If you talked to me five months ago, I' would have told you I have three and I am pretty content not having a committed monogamist relationship. O gosh don't gasp in anguish about the irresponsibilities of three different men because we all do reckless things, mine was sex. Beside the point, that life style was beginning to get old for me and then I met S.
I am working on my health by working out more, attempting to eat better( which the eating right part is darn near impossible ,but I am trying, while I am working full time going as well as to school full time. The easiest eating right thing is MCD in the car while reading a chapter out of my history book).
Finally I am trying to figure out my spirituality which I have decided to stick with the facade of Christianity because I really like a lot of what it gives the follower. I need emotion the ability to have ranges and restrain whereas with Buddhism I have one monotone reaction. They both flow well and have a lot of common traits in common so I did not loose in the qualities that Buddhism brings because it is within Christianity. However the time to take to become devoted in learning and studying a faith is consuming which makes my life see just a little out of balance.

So here are my three parts of a girlie. (I guess I need to do a 12 week program eh) Wait maybe I will. How ever it goes I am grateful that I had these two situations to jar me into awareness of myslef to become even more aware of Me .


* I have taken the needed physco help for my issues, sometimes being stubborn and wanting to do thing my way creates the vicious circle I go in.

I let my fingers talk

Yet she sees no one to help heal the pain of what is not there the hidden words that only she hears inside.

why must she hurt

why must she live to the expectant ideals that she does not know .

could falling in love be so easy and falling out be so far.

is this what life is made up of the tireless questions of the no answers soon too come.

Could I sell you this torn shirt these tight jeans? They are cute because all the famously rich and self righteous people are wearing them . OO ya'll look how cute you could be in them. Your hopes and dreams are in the materilistic view that I am selling you. All I need is your soul and the pin to your atm card.

Come on now don't be shocked that I am offering you the life you could never have. I mean you give your money to talentless , irresponsible, ungrateful people and you cant give me your soul and the pin to your atm card?

I want to know why when she goes to the mirror the finger is pointed down her throat in disgust that she cant be a size 0 in a huge house and with all the money the world doesn't have to offer.

Why is it that he stands in the mirror wishing he was tall and strong. Chisaled and secure. Hitting his fist to his chest trying to be the pretend man that no woman wanted him to be in the first place.

I can't make the craziness go away only the person within can. Untill each person comes to their own awakening then the vicious circle will contenou picking up new "victims"

Ah yes "victims" because that is what he/she is called when they allow themselves to be caught up in the conterprodutive stlye that the beast and beauty called society. However each wanted to live their life don't place the blame on the unfaced name of society because you, are society