Could I be? Humm...

I went out last night to an old friends house -well to be honest our relationship was mutually sex not a friendship ( well at times it could be a friendship.) I just wanted to know if my feelings for S were as strong as I think they are. I needed to know before I completely commit myself to S and place for my first time ever in a relationship a hands off rule to a lot of my male friends . I know it's stupid to do that ,but I needed to do that for my own weird reasons. Since I have graduated from high school I have had two serious relationships in which I attempted to cared for the other person. I would use the term cared very loosely - wait I'm going to explain. (Because if I cared for them I would not of cheated on them.) I was still dating and sleeping around while I was dating them,even at one point I was dating them both at the same time. (Well N was in sac with me and T was in so cal) .Yeah I know what comes around goes around and believe me I have had my ass kicked a few times , so I have paid my karma 10 times over and still do so. I was afraid to commit myself to anyone in fear that the relationship would not last leaving me with my heart in my hands. I did not want that kind of hurt. I had dealt with my parents on and off again relationship through out my childhood ; which caused me to vow I would never have a relationship where I would be hurt that many times over. So my logic is/was to never give fully of myself to another man , so that I would never have to deal with that heartache,confusion,anger I held in side. Nor would he ever know the true inner working of who I am I could not ask him to have pity on my pain , insecurities , and my inability to trust easily. I saw these as my burden to bear not someone else. I could not give anyone the power to control me that much emotionally,to know that much of me meant you had a small amount of power over me, which I do not like. I am very idiotic for thinking that way which is why I had to test myself. I needed to know do I really care for S that much. He really makes me happy, comfortable, understood, balanced,independent and so much more. I never really felt the way I do now for anyone because of my inner turmoil.( I am working slowly to let a lot of that pain go) Tuesday night , for example while I was a little unsure of what our relationship is going to be. I was over analyzing a completely good situation and I needed reassurance that things were going to be ok. S asked me, " Are you happy?" I responded, "Yes, but I just need to know. I like boundaries with a few lines so there is not any misunderstanding or hurt." He responded back," If you are happy why are you concerned with the semantics of the relationship. Let us have this type of conversation when you are not happy so that there is reason to be concerned. Just enjoy this ok?!" I was taken aback this was not the reassurance I wanted to hear but I needed to hear that. Moments like this is what is causing me to care about S so much, because he has the ability to even me out or cause me to think ;which for me is rare cause I has such a short attention span and temperance for people. This is a new experience for me due to the fact I have not been so trusting in the past with other men in my life. As well this is a feeling I want to keep enjoying so this test was just to see if I could really focus on one guy and let go of my past.

I was able to I could not vibe with my old partner, in addition to that I felt so guilty ,where as in the past I never felt guilty. I know as ridiculous as this sound that I need my hands off rule to other men in my life. I need this chance to know what it is like to be fully content in this relationship. it is juvenile to need to test myself to know what deep down in side I already knew. I m weird I need the reassurance before I jump off of a bridge. ha-ha..
:)me