Makes me feel. Exhale

I am alone for once in my adult life. Since I have been 19 I have been from one fling to another. I really never had time to myself because I did not want to be by myself. I needed to have the closeness of another person. Not just for sex but to know that person was there when I needed them. I needed another person to validate me instead of self validation. I needed to be the girl that helped a man through his transition phase and then move on. These last few days I have been inundated with a lot of information about myself and I was in awe about how other people have perceived me.

This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.

- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with

Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.

While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.

Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.

I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh