Am I evil? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it is karma coming back to haunt me for all of the stupid and some times hurtful things I have done.
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.
After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.
I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?
3 comments:
This scenario sounds all too typical, on the guy's end at least. I'm glad you're not naive, because the truth is most probably the way you described it. He feels a little lonely and horny, and looks through the contacts in his phone book, sees your name, hestiates, and goes for it. I hope you laughed at his sorry ass and made him feel like an idiot, because he is one.
Awww! Although I totally understand where you're coming from, I kind of sympathize with your ex as well. Maybe, I'm naive but I believe in your ex's apology, simply because it's so rare for a man to apologize when there is no obligation to do so, and since you two have been broken up for a year, there is no need for him to make amends unless that's what he truly wants to do. Also, it's highly unlikely that your ex only wants to be with you for sex. Sexual relationships are pretty easy to come by and I find that men enjoy chasing new sexual partners instead of harassing the old ones. Therefore, the fact that he wants to come back suggests that he's interested in something unique to you, something in you that he missed.
I'm not pretending to know anything about the reality of your relationship, I just hate when people don't believe potentially hearthfelt apologies because of a person's past failures.
I suggest that for just one moment you forget about this man's past failures, and only think about how you truly feel about him. If you think you could love him, then why not listen to what he has to say. However, if you no longer want him in that way, then don't fret over his proposition and firmly tell him that it's never going to happen for the two of you again.
And remember, even though your ex's call is causing you confusion, that doesn't mean that it's bad karma. I think this phone call is a tremedous compliment to what a good person you are, so whatever you decide be happy knowing that.
You and I have a mutual friend in Jaq the Female Misogynist. I see that you link to iFeminists. That makes me wonder what you think of this blog post of mine that includes the same link.
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