It is really hard to admit when what a person wants is not really what they wanted. As oddly phrased as the sentence is I know what I am conveying. There is a point in life that the road which is being traveled on that is comfortable is no longer is. Now this road, that was comforting, is now foreign and new because now the traveler wants to go a new direction and the road he/she is on is not the path to get there. I mean we as people, or maybe just me, have these moments when change is unforeseen. I say unforeseen because I thought I have been making a lot of progressive change. Changes I thought were to help me become the person I thought I want to become. To realize that maybe the changes I thought I wanted I don’t. I was changing because I am getting older and the way I was living I knew I could not continuo to do going into my 30s. I suppose a pre mid life crisis but in this case I am not trying to relive some glory years that I missed but becoming a “rounded” adult. Which by the way what is really become “all grown up” about? I have not yet grasped the concept of being an adult.
This is why I started making a lot of the changes to my persona and how I reacted to the world around me. As a child all I can remember was my parents and older figures telling me,” One day child you are going to have to grow up and place childish behavior behind you.” Here I am at 24 about to become 25 in a month and I have no clue what grown up is all about. I mean I have to go to work and I have financial obligations, however I did not picture this as becoming “grown up”. Yes, at time I say and do things that would do at the age of 16. Yet, these reactions and or action part of who I am? Does this determine that I am not an adult? I mean the notion of becoming emotionally attached from stressful situation, to have finical security, to have the love of my life, to have kids, to work at a job that is my career and be happy there, have extra activities to fill my time out of work, and a crap load of friends equate to the being an adult and not a child.
I mean is this what I am supposed to live up to? These socially acceptable ideas of being an adult, I am to be educated, domesticated, loved by all, help all, become secure, and just to have the seal of adulthood approval. This is an overwhelming burden. I think this is why I am frustrated and depressed about. That I am not living up to predestined ideas that are placed before me in the “time frame” that I am supposed to.
Look at me I’m 24 and I am renting an apartment. I have one friend that I am closed to and the other friend is my sister. I work full time to hopefully support myself and go to school. This, school by the way, is killing me. I try to save. I try to keep in good health. All the while wondering, is this the adult life I am supposed to have? Now, don’t get me wrong I have had opportunities to do other things and I closed the door just now to realize that I should of could of would have. However at this point is not going to change the now. I am not the typical mold for the adult other adults before me envisioned. Living the way I am now. I am not truly happy however I don’t really know what could make me happy. On the other hand do I want to be what I’m supposed to be or opposite?
3 comments:
I think that you're doing just fine as an adult. You got a full-time job, a car, your own apartment, and you seem very self-sufficent. What more do you really need? All the other extras will come in time. The hard part is just being patient enough to wait for all of those good things to happen.
Believe me, I'm just as anxious as you are, and I'm about to crawl out of my skin trying to predict what my future holds for me, but all my worrying never gets me anywhere, so I'm trying my best to just relax and let the chips fall where they may.
I guess the meaning of being an adult is being able to take full responsibility for whatever outcomes for our decisions.
But, it's a hard thing to do.
Or else, this world would have been perfect.
I read your thoughts on growing up. Might I suggest that growing up is not some sequence of events that take place. Rather, it is acceptence in who you are, without the need to seek outside approval. It is feeling good about the person you are and the choices you make, and knowing that you can address most any situation that comes your way. None of us are perfect. We all have our good moments and bad. We al act mature at times and immature at other times. The key is realizing this and always striving to be better. One does not reach some pre-defined level known as adulthood. It is a continual process of active self-improvement and acceptance of who you are and your desire to always strive to be better. In that vien, it also entails your acceptance and understanding of others. You may not agree with them, but you strive to understand, accept, and possibly help guide and nurture. *shrugs* Just my two cents. :)
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