Momentary Something

It’s been a while since I’ve written. I maybe a bit bumpy since getting back in the “grove” of writing is foreign. Now I have been writing academically which is opposite to writing about personal crap. There is a prompt and from there the supporting evidence however since this is personal there is no prompt to follow and support.

Moving here to Flag has been a shock. Not saying this place is not beautiful because it is but the larger city has the diversity of people, the opportunity to go out and do something is what I miss. I would complain there is nothing to do, no where to go, and that was because I grew up in Sac but to move where there really is nothing to do is wow. Any case the people are polite and genuinely nice which is a contrast to a larger city because if I were to say hello to anyone in Sac it would be taken with a dose of skepticism. Now my biggest problem is truly seeing that I am a “minority” don’t get me wrong there is black people but to walk in the class and be the only “black” person is a bit shocking to walk in a town for 3 hours and see maybe 2 other blacks is hard to adapt to. No hair salons dedicated to black hair care needs no stores either I mean Wally world or Target have stuff but not compared to home. There are benefits like going for walks and seeing nature, involving my self with music, seeing my other family members more consistently, but that’s all. There are bars and stuff but going alone is fine but the fear of being alone still ties in to going all together. Idiotic but true. It’s not like I’m not personable but to what extent do I want to invite others drama into my somewhat simple and peaceful life. Alone is a new concept but to grow and change sometimes being alone is key. I am learning more about me as well as the community outside of me, this is not stating I am a changed person because old habits will arise. My anger and oversensitivity will rear its ugly head and self doubt is right behind it. Self doubt there has been a lot of that I mean I’m 26 and now I want to be a full time student I now what to see the world out side of my security of the “known and true” like is going to school to become something I think I want to become in business is worth being alone. Is personal mental strength really worth it? To live up to standards I am questioning worth a ping of sadness when I see groups of people who know each other and do stuff together. I mean walking down this road is it really worth what I am telling myself. This is not o feel sorry for me tell me that it’s going to be fine or anything of the sort I am just wondering and need to see what I am thinking into words maybe I might get an ah-ha light and figure it all out. Logic and emotions must fight to determine a common ground a goal as to why I am motivate to keep going or stop and go back to what I am comfortable with. I don’t think I will quit over a small emotion as loneliness but eh smaller things have caused major ripples.