Here it is

Am I doing time?
I’ve ask myself this question a lot lately. I am a slave to school and acquiring the best grade possible. I am moving next year and have no clue where I’m gonna get 3000 just in moving expenses as well as I have to find a job to cover all of my needs while I’m living there. Which I should add all needs to be done by May no later than June. I have to worry about my math class because if I don’t pass it I can’t get into ASU till the spring or next fall. Meaning my time line will so be out of whack and I will be really depressed, pissed, and even more determined. I miss the security of 40-hours a week and a paycheck to cover all my expense with cash left over each month. On top of that when I do graduate I’m going to be 20-30 thousand in debt so having that oh so fabulous life just will have to wait till I’m too old to care. Then finding that cash to finance the rest of my education is going to be a battle because I’m not a high school student and that is where a good bulk of the scholarships is. Then to add insult to injury I’m truly single again.
I know something will have to give and all things will work out because since I’ve been here it has been working out pretty well. I’m just stressing because I’d like to know how things are going to be beyond the now. Which this lesson is really hard for me to believe in blind faith and know that God will make a way I just need to believe. Slowly yet stubbornly I am learning and it feels good. I am becoming comfortable in who I am and just really want to lose more weight will top most things off.
The only issue is: me fighting with who I was to who I am. After trying and trying with Al and the relationship not panning out. I just want to give up on trying to find a man that matches me or even allowing God to place on in my life. I just don’t want to open up and get hurt again or trying and waiting only to waste 4 years on a pipe dream. I just want a person that complements me and benefits God yet it seems easier to just going back to friends with benefits without any expectations involved. I’m not hurt in that mind frame because I don’t really get to know the male as well he doesn’t really know me and I live my life.
Only issue with this is that I know I will be hurt because I want an emotional connection so badly that sacrificing that need to be with another person would depress me and cause me mental pain. Yet that old habit seems so alluring and so promising.
It’s just analyzing but I need to make a decision because I’ve told Jam that I would just be friends with benefits but I said that in the mist of hurting and being depressed. It sounds good and I feel protected but at the same time I feel as if I’m lying to myself and hurting myself because of Al. I want so much to feel what I wasted for the last 4 years that meaningless sex will somehow heal my heart. After Ste it’s been really hard cause I really cared I put myself back out there it was a complete turning point even though it was a 4 and a half month relationship. I was committed, I was there, I was her, and it ended cause of religion. Like I was perfect but since I was keeping his focus away and my views on religion differed than his then I wasn’t good enough. That still hurts to this day and I’ve been chasing that feeling ever since. If I’m really honest I’ve been chasing Nat and Jar characters for most of my life.
I’ve come to the slow understanding that I don’t love Al .I loved the idea of what I could have with him and I like who he was but not who he is and within this deep affection for him I have built this ideal character that he can’t live up to. Nor will he ever.
So all in all I’m hurt with myself for trying to make him into the 3 men that I truly loved in my life. That wasn’t fair to him and I can’t take it out on him. I have to just accept the fact that I can’t build a man into 3 distinct personalities that I love as well as hated about them.
There it is. I can’t be a fling girl .My heart can’t go back because I was hurting back then and I’m not hurting any more now. I’m happy. It’s not perfect but I’m happy. I worry about money and so many other things but I’m happy. I like who I am and I have an awesome intermediate family and close friends. To go back to being hurt would be like me trying to kill myself again and be institutionalized. I promised myself I could never go back to who I was at that point. God has given me another chance and even though I’m 27 I am going to make the best of this second chance. It took me a long time to appreciate this chance that I can’t just throw it away on some I didn’t love from the get go.
It a lesson learned. I’ve dusted myself off and I can move on. I will just keep the ol heart on the sleeve and keep on trucking because in the midst of my stubbornness I know He will pan this all out and I just need to be patient.