Pow

I prayed this morning.
I prayed for the ability to be strong to let go and move on.
Yet I woke up today and prayed to have the ability to kill to feel the hurt I could inflict on another man. How can I be the same person with a dual persona?
I want to grow and I want to inflict pain.
That sweet power to see the tears and the pleas to stop yet ignore them for my own benefit. To know that will not heal me but the animalistic side just wants to hear the scream and feel the “punishment” being given.
Can I even move on with all the anger built up just wanting to go Columbine in that dark coat with a gun underneath .Seeing all the people run just from the sheer force of death that I control in that moment. Oh my, could I be a god to those people in the same breath in their last moments of life. Wielding the control of the simple human need
The yearning to live.
Just a crazy ranting of a girl hurt but her own hands lying to herself believing in the lies called words. So hurt and angry for the last time. Tired of repeating the same hurt because I refuse to deal with why I complete the actions I make.
Want to take all those names and faces like a thief in the shadows and stick em up for the falsifying love make em give what I gave back. Bitch slap em with the colt45 see the wince of pain physically not emotionally and feel justice for my heart. Yet if I’m slapping around like a thief I gotta save that last hit for myself.