From that point foward

I got a text today from S. He tells me that he was out of town for the past week and did not come back till Friday. He also tells me that he got my note and did not understand what I was saying and that it seemed like I had a lot on my mind as well he was praying about us. I responded back that I had a lot on my mind. He tells me that maybe it is for the best because he wants to be in the will of God and that I am a sweet young lady.

I responded what does that mean and that my note was what he is telling me right at that moment that he was becoming distance and uninterested in me. That I would not want to end things but if that is what he wants to do then that is fine. I have no choice but to understand and move on.

Him texting me today was like a breath of air in the midst of my confusion but to read the response that I want to be in the will of God ,as if I don’t want the same, was a slap in the face. I am trying to figure out my faith for myself. I may not be as strong in this Christian faith as he is but I am slowly getting there I need just as much support as he does.

Here I sit shedding tears as if it is going to take the pain away and make clear this hell I am in better. So, I call S and tell him if you are going to tell me it’s over, then you need to tell me to my face. S stated that he will talk to me on Monday when he comes back into town. I hung up.

I can’t mess this second chance at love up twice. I was with a great guy three years ago and because I was afraid to show my all aspects of myself. At the time, I was thinking I am twenty and there is more out there in the world than N. I could not settle down so soon so I cheated on him many times to make sure I wasn’t loosing out on any other chances and he forgave me. I became pregnant and he was there holding my hand as I aborted it. He was my support system and I could say I loved him because he was me. However when he was leaving to go to Denver and he asked me to be his wife to go with him, I said yes. I knew I was not ready for N in my life but I said yes. I wanted someone to love me and show the attention that I never got from anyone else. He was the first person to do that to me, give attention and tell me all the things I wanted to hear. Once I understood that I would hurt N more if went, I backed out and he understood. About two years later we spoke and he forgave me for what happened in our relationship. At that point I understood unconditional love and forgiveness. From that point forward, I promised myself I would never be that person to anyone ever again because I hated the way I treated him. I make it my personal goal to become surer of who I am and how to communicate my emotions across to another person.


Yes karma has come and kicked my but many times for the wrong I have done to N but I knew that with S the horrible spell over my love life lifted. If there is an end to this so be it but if it can progress on I am honored to be with another person that can make life an ease.