O woe woe eww eeeee ahrgh haaa

A description of the title: When I feel bad I make noises to describe my mood instead of words. Childish, I know but it makes me feel better because when someone asks me how goes it I then make my noises per my mood and it makes me and sometimes the other person laugh.

Ok, the last few weeks have been a little trying. S phone starts to have issues and he can not call out from the phone. (mind you it is going on a month and he has yet to get another phone from what I know) Well, when he was first having his phone issue he called from another available phone but as the issue progressed on he stopped calling. Now for a few weeks I have begun to notice that he was not a "into us" as he was in the beginning. I don't know if maybe I am over reacting or if he is becoming comfortable or uninterested. To get an answer I stop by his place, during a time I knew he would be home, and he was not home so I left. I came by a two more time but his car was not there, so on the fourth attempt I left a note telling him I wanted to talk and he was more than welcomed to stop by my place. Four days pass and nothing so on the fifth day I came by and again he was not there so I wrote what I had been thinking and feeling for the last couple of weeks. I did not go into details about why I just gave the highlight because I did not want to write something extremely long. I left the note on the 16th. Two days past nothing.

This Monday evening(12/19) I was cleaning up and noticed some of his much needed items at my place. I place them into a bag and drive to his place hoping he was there. I get into the parking lot and I see his car. I was really happy that I did not need to leave a note and that I would be able to talk to him to explain the letter in more detail and get an idea of what is up. I get to the door and I hear the football game on, loudly I may add, and I knock on the door. I knock again and then two more times after that. Realizing no one was paying attention to the loud knocks on the door, I drop the bag by the door and leave. As I am closing the door, I hear his door open (now I don't know if it was his roommate or him) but I don't run back to see I just keep walking. I walked very slowly back to my car and once to my car I sit there for a few moments thinking he would come out to see. The funny thing is he doesn’t come out at all. I know I should have turned around to see who it was . I could have let my pride out of the way so that I could have received some sort of closure ,however I put more of an effort to keep in contact nor did I want to appear to be the overly clingy female. For once I wanted someone to put an effort for me because he really cared. Ha who am I fooling with that concept. Every time emotions or issues need to be discussed I have to be the one to put it on the table and it is tiring. Tiring why, because I have to show my vulnerability , I have to be the bad guy/good guy, I have to be the one saving ,repairing, or cutting something off. I'd like to be on the other end but ... Ahhhh.

Well it is day two of this incident and nothing at all.

I guess I can start the closing process. Telling myself it will be ok, but this time it's not. I really let my guard down with him and I gave him another chance after his misunderstanding of this relationship. I was faithful ,I was open ,I was considerate, I compromised ,I gave , and I did what I could to make us happy. I was starting to know what it meant to be happy in relationship . Which caused me to notice changes about myself because of him .( I guess it is up to me to cont these changes) It's not justifiable to not know why or understand how a person can not express how they feel and why they feel the way they have expressed. I am not going to chase him to find out why. If he can not take time out of his life to mend what is going on here then it is a waste of time. Yes, it hurts (as it always does) I feel empty ,I am angry, and I am frustrated. Ironically,I told S, he would hurt me and he gave the lame a** I wouldn't do that to you bullshi** line and I believed in it.

Here I am figuring out what to do with myself after this incident with S. So what do I do, *shakes head laughing*, I go back to having a fling. Yeah really smart there girlie, go back to having meaningless, open, and non committed sex. Doing that the next day made me feel really great, yea no, I felt worse. Last night I made a few calls and told them I can't do the "sex" thing right now . I mean with my mental state I don't think I can handle another male with out being a complete meanie to them for the pain I am in now. Anycase,they both understood which made me feel lighter.

I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It will take time, focus, energy, and me (ha) and in no time I'll be fine and over this because this too shall pass.


I am going to remain positive, yeah I am.