At this moment I feel liberated. Is it to say, that the next day I may feel defeated, who knows but I am going to step through each day as the next. However, I finally understand the meaning of; you are the one who can control how much emotion you can put into something. I would hear the saying that people only do what you allow them to and did not full understand its true meaning until it was applied in my own life. I recently had to let go of dead weight (I guess it is the best description of it). The weight was causing me to emotionally drain myself because I was pinning and fighting for something I could slowly see was not going to come to pass, like winning the lotto. During this time, the slow conclusion is: I want people in my life that if I need anything or they need anything from me, without hesitation, I can count on them and vice versa.
I started to notice that I would give and give but felt empty when my expectations were unmet.
I grew tired of being all to all and none to myself, which caused me to start dropping this dead weight.
I came to understand if I really want to be happy, I need people in my life who understand happiness and the ability to let go as well as be completely honest and finally have the ability to work towards or attain these things (or what will make them happy). I need overachievers and not people who wait for life to happen for them.
I tied this back to the reason I moved away, besides to go to school, but as well as to learn who I am away from the place I grew up and the people I know.
I wanted to understand who I am better and as well to fully appreciate the second chance I had been given in life.
To basically become and an outsider to my own life because to look outside in oneself, one is able to grasp a better understanding of who they are and make the needed changes. A person can't look in as easily as an outsider if he/she is living in the same cycle each day.
As I begin to understand, myself, in my current situation I begin to see as well as understand what being content is. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments when I am not happy but if I were to look at everything over all I am very content. If you ever become content, you begin to see life differently and read your moods and reactions to circumstances differently. Once I began to feel sad and emotionally drained by people who were taking me for granted or did not recognize my existence I needed to move my self away from them in the understanding that I do not need to yelp and fight for attention from someone who does not see the need for me in their inner circle.
It's hard to accept the fact that not every one is for every body, which can be a pretty lonely road but in the midst of the loneliness there is less drama and problems may that occur. Each person, me included, wants to be included in something to have people they can call friends to be accepted as well as needed. Yet, not having people in your life might teach people to become isolated, self reliant, and many other characteristics which are dependent on the person. In my case co-dependant. I want to have people around and don’t really like to really be alone. If I have to I will but I prefer not to. I hid the fact that I didn’t want to be alone in being extremely kind to other people and as time wore on I no longer wanted to be the person I was not but the balance of the person I was coming into.
I am beginning to believe God will place people in my life, in the right time, which will complement me and give me the same value I give them.
During these last few months, I have seen God do these things and my life has a balance that I have yearned for so many years. I thought balance was some elusive word that only rich people and the crazy had obtained but yet once I allowed God to do the work needed everything came together.
The little voice telling me to let go became stronger and the words I heard in a sermon once finally came to pass, "If a person walks, let them. Don't find ways to make them stay. Don’t deprive yourself of who you are and what God has for you for as His child by keeping people who mean you no good because if they can't show you their value in your life, God has not put them there instead you have."
It's difficult to let people go to feel vulnerable enough to say your time has pass and I can no longer fight for you or towards you to see me and complement me.
But each day that passes, I feel as if I have made the best decision for me
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
Could I be Right
I hate being right.
I knew he wasn’t going to follow through.
For some reason, I knew he would blame his kid for the reason as to why we can’t hang out but hey who am I to say that he is lying or really telling the truth.
In these types of circumstances it is really hard to find the truth or believe the words coming forth from his mouth. My gut tells me to call him a liar and move on but my heart says to be open and give another chance.
Yet, I want to give in the towel and call it what I feel it is, bullshit. That is what I feel it is where the words don’t meet the actions and the actions are never seen. Im sorry but this is not God faith where I know that I know to just believe. This is man and he is bound to fail. I want to be more optimistic that he will actually follow through but I highly doubt it I’ve waited for a year and I’m still getting the same crap from 6 months ago.
But I wonder why I still wait. There was nothing hugely spectacular about our relationship for me to want to try again to see what could have been. Is that what I’m doing? Trying to find out what could have been? If that is the case I need to stop and let him find the right woman for him and move on because blind faith and toilet hope is causing me to become hard and skeptical to a man I know is not ready for me and I don’t think ever will be.
Empty promises from an old time
Filling the silence with dead words
Hoping these promises will heal the hurt and the Distain with in
Hoping the dead weight of the words will make me stay
Make me wait till time is on your side
Empathy will only hold for so long
Patience is only a virtuous action of the best actors
See if in the morning of your loneliness if I am there
Because games of the previous times have finally produced their results
Poor or well
These empty promises from an old time
Will remain as dead words in the air spoken from the lips
Of old
The all of a sudden he shows up the last week I am here being who he always is charming and charismatic. I fell for it I’m not going to lie. I heard the words and more promises but in the back of my mind I know this isn’t going to happen for us. There are too many probability words throw around for me to say without a LOGICAL shadow of a doubt there is any future in these words. I loved hearing what I thought was true. And then, bam, something happens where it questions what I am truly doing here rethink my own words and actions which causes me to go into a shell to prevent any future hurt.
I don’t want to be the girl pining in the wings the one hoping pushing pulling and trying for a relationship where the other party is just in it for the motional painful fun of it all. Then again all of what I am saying is based off of one side, mine. But in a sense is that not what matters most that my thoughts dictate my course of action and how I feel about the beginning middle and end results? I want to believe in a way I need to believe that I found my other half in a past ex but at the same time we both have grown since being teenagers yet even as an adult I still have this unexplainable attraction towards him not a what if not an attempt to feign a relationship out of nothing but a genuine sincerity. It’s like I can look past some of the issues he has and still like him be in the midst of working and wonder how he’s doing and if he’s okay. Now mind you I’ve dealt with a lot from him, since we started being ”friends” again but I still wondering are the feelings really really mutual .
It’s the back and forth because all in all his words don’t meet up with his action and there is always some unforeseen problem that stops him from keeping his promise to me. I think that is the problem for me and once that disappears will my doubts and curiosity stop as well?
I knew he wasn’t going to follow through.
For some reason, I knew he would blame his kid for the reason as to why we can’t hang out but hey who am I to say that he is lying or really telling the truth.
In these types of circumstances it is really hard to find the truth or believe the words coming forth from his mouth. My gut tells me to call him a liar and move on but my heart says to be open and give another chance.
Yet, I want to give in the towel and call it what I feel it is, bullshit. That is what I feel it is where the words don’t meet the actions and the actions are never seen. Im sorry but this is not God faith where I know that I know to just believe. This is man and he is bound to fail. I want to be more optimistic that he will actually follow through but I highly doubt it I’ve waited for a year and I’m still getting the same crap from 6 months ago.
But I wonder why I still wait. There was nothing hugely spectacular about our relationship for me to want to try again to see what could have been. Is that what I’m doing? Trying to find out what could have been? If that is the case I need to stop and let him find the right woman for him and move on because blind faith and toilet hope is causing me to become hard and skeptical to a man I know is not ready for me and I don’t think ever will be.
Empty promises from an old time
Filling the silence with dead words
Hoping these promises will heal the hurt and the Distain with in
Hoping the dead weight of the words will make me stay
Make me wait till time is on your side
Empathy will only hold for so long
Patience is only a virtuous action of the best actors
See if in the morning of your loneliness if I am there
Because games of the previous times have finally produced their results
Poor or well
These empty promises from an old time
Will remain as dead words in the air spoken from the lips
Of old
The all of a sudden he shows up the last week I am here being who he always is charming and charismatic. I fell for it I’m not going to lie. I heard the words and more promises but in the back of my mind I know this isn’t going to happen for us. There are too many probability words throw around for me to say without a LOGICAL shadow of a doubt there is any future in these words. I loved hearing what I thought was true. And then, bam, something happens where it questions what I am truly doing here rethink my own words and actions which causes me to go into a shell to prevent any future hurt.
I don’t want to be the girl pining in the wings the one hoping pushing pulling and trying for a relationship where the other party is just in it for the motional painful fun of it all. Then again all of what I am saying is based off of one side, mine. But in a sense is that not what matters most that my thoughts dictate my course of action and how I feel about the beginning middle and end results? I want to believe in a way I need to believe that I found my other half in a past ex but at the same time we both have grown since being teenagers yet even as an adult I still have this unexplainable attraction towards him not a what if not an attempt to feign a relationship out of nothing but a genuine sincerity. It’s like I can look past some of the issues he has and still like him be in the midst of working and wonder how he’s doing and if he’s okay. Now mind you I’ve dealt with a lot from him, since we started being ”friends” again but I still wondering are the feelings really really mutual .
It’s the back and forth because all in all his words don’t meet up with his action and there is always some unforeseen problem that stops him from keeping his promise to me. I think that is the problem for me and once that disappears will my doubts and curiosity stop as well?
Friday, November 16, 2007
Little Minded People
I’ve never been the one for drama which is why I’m pretty upfront as well I only let a small number of people in my inner circle.
See my issue with large number of people is the different personalities and the ability for people to speak, idiotically.
Now I am not the one for confrontation because I know when I am upset I am not logical and reason will fly out the door( which is why the tell 'em how you feel when you feel is always my rule).
I hate when people speak indirectly about you instead of directly to you. Like I am supposed to understand that you’re talking about me. Like your words actually hold some kind of fear factor.
I hate when people have an issues and will be in the same vicinity as I am and say nothing. Duck and dodge the situation when it’s there the whole time but need a crowd to show how “mighty” they are not. This is all cause people are insecure and depend on others to make them a better person.
So when these pathetic people feel bad about their own lives or who they are as a person they have to agitate the cream of the crop.
That’s why I prefer emotionally stable, mature, self confident, strong willed people, positive, like minded people around me. Messing around with child like people makes a girl want to become violent and if you know me it takes a lot for me to become violent.
Don’t misunderstand my words as if what a dumb ass had to INDIRECTLY say to me bothers me, my problem is that I could not make my issues known because of small children in the vicinity. That’s the difference I am an adult who can respect a child than start a fight to stand my ground and principles. Where a small feeble minded people start drama in their own home around their own children cause they couldn’t say something prior to getting home.
Now the disrespectful thing is to make a comment around people that have nothing to do with the issues you have with me. Making a scene when your kids are around because you can’t handle your imaginary problems with out protection is frankly , pathetic.
I don’t like low self esteem females cause that is where all the drama insures from their inability to deal with themselves before dealing with the world. Causing problems to make themselves feel better is not going to change the fact that you’re a nobody in your own eyes
If you must ask what is the real issue: well it is , if people cant be an adult and come talk to me about issues but need to act foolish to handle their issues like a child and think they have the upper hand is the issue that has pissed me off.
See my issue with large number of people is the different personalities and the ability for people to speak, idiotically.
Now I am not the one for confrontation because I know when I am upset I am not logical and reason will fly out the door( which is why the tell 'em how you feel when you feel is always my rule).
I hate when people speak indirectly about you instead of directly to you. Like I am supposed to understand that you’re talking about me. Like your words actually hold some kind of fear factor.
I hate when people have an issues and will be in the same vicinity as I am and say nothing. Duck and dodge the situation when it’s there the whole time but need a crowd to show how “mighty” they are not. This is all cause people are insecure and depend on others to make them a better person.
So when these pathetic people feel bad about their own lives or who they are as a person they have to agitate the cream of the crop.
That’s why I prefer emotionally stable, mature, self confident, strong willed people, positive, like minded people around me. Messing around with child like people makes a girl want to become violent and if you know me it takes a lot for me to become violent.
Don’t misunderstand my words as if what a dumb ass had to INDIRECTLY say to me bothers me, my problem is that I could not make my issues known because of small children in the vicinity. That’s the difference I am an adult who can respect a child than start a fight to stand my ground and principles. Where a small feeble minded people start drama in their own home around their own children cause they couldn’t say something prior to getting home.
Now the disrespectful thing is to make a comment around people that have nothing to do with the issues you have with me. Making a scene when your kids are around because you can’t handle your imaginary problems with out protection is frankly , pathetic.
I don’t like low self esteem females cause that is where all the drama insures from their inability to deal with themselves before dealing with the world. Causing problems to make themselves feel better is not going to change the fact that you’re a nobody in your own eyes
If you must ask what is the real issue: well it is , if people cant be an adult and come talk to me about issues but need to act foolish to handle their issues like a child and think they have the upper hand is the issue that has pissed me off.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Momentary Something
It’s been a while since I’ve written. I maybe a bit bumpy since getting back in the “grove” of writing is foreign. Now I have been writing academically which is opposite to writing about personal crap. There is a prompt and from there the supporting evidence however since this is personal there is no prompt to follow and support.
Moving here to Flag has been a shock. Not saying this place is not beautiful because it is but the larger city has the diversity of people, the opportunity to go out and do something is what I miss. I would complain there is nothing to do, no where to go, and that was because I grew up in Sac but to move where there really is nothing to do is wow. Any case the people are polite and genuinely nice which is a contrast to a larger city because if I were to say hello to anyone in Sac it would be taken with a dose of skepticism. Now my biggest problem is truly seeing that I am a “minority” don’t get me wrong there is black people but to walk in the class and be the only “black” person is a bit shocking to walk in a town for 3 hours and see maybe 2 other blacks is hard to adapt to. No hair salons dedicated to black hair care needs no stores either I mean Wally world or Target have stuff but not compared to home. There are benefits like going for walks and seeing nature, involving my self with music, seeing my other family members more consistently, but that’s all. There are bars and stuff but going alone is fine but the fear of being alone still ties in to going all together. Idiotic but true. It’s not like I’m not personable but to what extent do I want to invite others drama into my somewhat simple and peaceful life. Alone is a new concept but to grow and change sometimes being alone is key. I am learning more about me as well as the community outside of me, this is not stating I am a changed person because old habits will arise. My anger and oversensitivity will rear its ugly head and self doubt is right behind it. Self doubt there has been a lot of that I mean I’m 26 and now I want to be a full time student I now what to see the world out side of my security of the “known and true” like is going to school to become something I think I want to become in business is worth being alone. Is personal mental strength really worth it? To live up to standards I am questioning worth a ping of sadness when I see groups of people who know each other and do stuff together. I mean walking down this road is it really worth what I am telling myself. This is not o feel sorry for me tell me that it’s going to be fine or anything of the sort I am just wondering and need to see what I am thinking into words maybe I might get an ah-ha light and figure it all out. Logic and emotions must fight to determine a common ground a goal as to why I am motivate to keep going or stop and go back to what I am comfortable with. I don’t think I will quit over a small emotion as loneliness but eh smaller things have caused major ripples.
Moving here to Flag has been a shock. Not saying this place is not beautiful because it is but the larger city has the diversity of people, the opportunity to go out and do something is what I miss. I would complain there is nothing to do, no where to go, and that was because I grew up in Sac but to move where there really is nothing to do is wow. Any case the people are polite and genuinely nice which is a contrast to a larger city because if I were to say hello to anyone in Sac it would be taken with a dose of skepticism. Now my biggest problem is truly seeing that I am a “minority” don’t get me wrong there is black people but to walk in the class and be the only “black” person is a bit shocking to walk in a town for 3 hours and see maybe 2 other blacks is hard to adapt to. No hair salons dedicated to black hair care needs no stores either I mean Wally world or Target have stuff but not compared to home. There are benefits like going for walks and seeing nature, involving my self with music, seeing my other family members more consistently, but that’s all. There are bars and stuff but going alone is fine but the fear of being alone still ties in to going all together. Idiotic but true. It’s not like I’m not personable but to what extent do I want to invite others drama into my somewhat simple and peaceful life. Alone is a new concept but to grow and change sometimes being alone is key. I am learning more about me as well as the community outside of me, this is not stating I am a changed person because old habits will arise. My anger and oversensitivity will rear its ugly head and self doubt is right behind it. Self doubt there has been a lot of that I mean I’m 26 and now I want to be a full time student I now what to see the world out side of my security of the “known and true” like is going to school to become something I think I want to become in business is worth being alone. Is personal mental strength really worth it? To live up to standards I am questioning worth a ping of sadness when I see groups of people who know each other and do stuff together. I mean walking down this road is it really worth what I am telling myself. This is not o feel sorry for me tell me that it’s going to be fine or anything of the sort I am just wondering and need to see what I am thinking into words maybe I might get an ah-ha light and figure it all out. Logic and emotions must fight to determine a common ground a goal as to why I am motivate to keep going or stop and go back to what I am comfortable with. I don’t think I will quit over a small emotion as loneliness but eh smaller things have caused major ripples.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Infatuated Love
Falling in infatuation with one
Not seeing both sides to every song
Building a home with no foundation
Seeing a future with no past
Keeping the “love” alive during daydreams in the mind.
Never seeing signs of illusion that are fading out and reality setting in.
Ever been infatuated with a man only to know he doesn’t see you in the same light
To wonder when the getting to know stage disappears as soon as it starts
To find out that he’s infatuated with another person and you’re the last to know
It’s not desperation or despair but pain as if you were intimate with this person
But the intimacy is with words and never touches you. You hear sentence never used in the context spoken and hope so much for the right man to come in your life and speak to you in the manor he has for a few days.
Seems like you’re a helpless fool wasting time away pining for this right man. His words seem so right like God had planed the timing just right. But you know your relationship with God is poor so you’re left in the dark to figure out if it is worth pursuing or learning from. Since you’re left to your own devices the choices are
Become bitter and think all men are liars or
Move on and know that there are good men out there.
The choice lies with how many times this has happened in the past
If the past has been filled with lies the bitterness will resound
If the past has been filled with truth hope will come to light.
How ever truth can become lies and lies truth so the struggle will come with how each of us copes with failure.
Ah failure
The dust yourself off and try again routine
Like love is job and you haven’t found your fit.
See love is not as easy as life
Where you can pick yourself up and move on to bigger and better things.
See there is emotions behind each touch every word and those moments in time stick
Strong than a paycheck every 1st and 15th
You can’t go back to school to acquire a new degree a different out look on life
O that’s right we have to pick ourselves up and try again or wait on perfect timing.
See love is career choice that you must work hard on constantly changing and learning to stay profitable in the business.
The business of having the right one
But how when most of the loves in life are mere infatuations.
Not seeing both sides to every song
Building a home with no foundation
Seeing a future with no past
Keeping the “love” alive during daydreams in the mind.
Never seeing signs of illusion that are fading out and reality setting in.
Ever been infatuated with a man only to know he doesn’t see you in the same light
To wonder when the getting to know stage disappears as soon as it starts
To find out that he’s infatuated with another person and you’re the last to know
It’s not desperation or despair but pain as if you were intimate with this person
But the intimacy is with words and never touches you. You hear sentence never used in the context spoken and hope so much for the right man to come in your life and speak to you in the manor he has for a few days.
Seems like you’re a helpless fool wasting time away pining for this right man. His words seem so right like God had planed the timing just right. But you know your relationship with God is poor so you’re left in the dark to figure out if it is worth pursuing or learning from. Since you’re left to your own devices the choices are
Become bitter and think all men are liars or
Move on and know that there are good men out there.
The choice lies with how many times this has happened in the past
If the past has been filled with lies the bitterness will resound
If the past has been filled with truth hope will come to light.
How ever truth can become lies and lies truth so the struggle will come with how each of us copes with failure.
Ah failure
The dust yourself off and try again routine
Like love is job and you haven’t found your fit.
See love is not as easy as life
Where you can pick yourself up and move on to bigger and better things.
See there is emotions behind each touch every word and those moments in time stick
Strong than a paycheck every 1st and 15th
You can’t go back to school to acquire a new degree a different out look on life
O that’s right we have to pick ourselves up and try again or wait on perfect timing.
See love is career choice that you must work hard on constantly changing and learning to stay profitable in the business.
The business of having the right one
But how when most of the loves in life are mere infatuations.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Ram Ramble
I slept with him but does that make me feel better or curious any more, no. I guess I have no more curiosity about him. Typical male set up in the curiosities of my own mind
I’ll never know
What it feels like to not care to not put forth an effort to love a person
So strongly the world stops moving the second he comes into my path
Into my mind and seeps into my dreams.
I’ll never know
What it feels like to become bland and indifferent to not show such strong emotions and communicate what I feel So much so that the words in the English language become the canvas of my true desires.
I wrote these two set of sentences because right now that is how I feel. I give and tell. I work and show but nothing seems to work. I’m understanding and willing to give space but then it is taken advantage of. Then I am left with the missing pieces trying to figure out what have I done so wrong. Maybe it is that I hope too much and work so hard to make the relationship work that I am willing to become a blank canvas open and willing to what ever man comes into my life. Now don’t see this as becoming desperate there is a huge difference. I don’t need a man in my life but when I have one I don’t play a mystery game I let him know everything. I look at having a man (or anyone) in my life because they know me I cant do that if I am holding back so much I mean its best to tell all, give him the choice to be with me because I do not want to waste time in a relationship and one conversation slips out and the whole mood changes. .A lot of people will say you need to withhold till you know he is the one but I always wondered how I know he’s the one if I don’t tell him everything. If he wants sex and I don’t am I supposed to hold on to that till were lying in bed and then I tell him that? See that is the whole confusing part with dating or letting people in. When do you divulge the information? Then when I let go and let the person in I am shunned away like I’m not needed any more and all the wordy promise go out the window. Am I supposed to believe that all men are liars and out to hurt me?? This may sound like I'm hurt but I'm not. I’m just confused. My confusion lies with in the when do I tell and how much do I tell.
Life has circumstances which make you think.
I’m not happy when I don’t feel free. I hate knowing I am forced to work, even if it is for me, but to live the life I want I have to work to some standards. I have to abide by a set of rules. But I swear sometimes I want to quit the ideal views of this society and become a guitar playing panhandling bum.
I no longer want to feel like a caged bird and I have to peck my way out but the only way to make it in the American society is to live by the clock and the time the employer gives to me.
Believe me I am not so idealistic not to understand the dynamics of a business and the fact that a person chooses to have money and to do so the company needs able bodies to work and comply. I want to have my own company one day and I know I will become what I despise now a papertimecomplance mongrel. Funny, ironically, yes but at the same time idealistic people are sometimes the best conformist.
I want to say unhappiness is what is driving me to behave in this manor but I don’t mind working the job I have. At time I would love to be challenged more but eh
“The person who is slowest in making a promise is most faithful in its performance." - Jean Jacques Rousseau
I haven’t been writing many musing of myself lately because it seems to keep going in the same circle. Crappy, interesting, funny or sad things happen in my life and I write about it. I begin to over analyze it instead of just living the experience and moving on from it. I know each day is a step and each day I learn from things that occur in my life. Sometimes I forgot what has happened in my life until a situation comes up to jog my memory which I dwell on but sooner or later I need to move on. I am in a sense doing what I am complaining about, writing about stuff in my life. Yeah it’s a bit self –centered, but I think each person is because we want the world to revolve around us (a lot of the times we make the world appear that way). Even if we are self less, we still do selfish things for our own pleasure because happiness is a selfless and selfish emotion which teeters like “a thin line between love and hate”.
Just a few rambles of what’s been going on in my mind and yet I can never completely finish a full thought (as you can see). Augh helllp
I’ll never know
What it feels like to not care to not put forth an effort to love a person
So strongly the world stops moving the second he comes into my path
Into my mind and seeps into my dreams.
I’ll never know
What it feels like to become bland and indifferent to not show such strong emotions and communicate what I feel So much so that the words in the English language become the canvas of my true desires.
I wrote these two set of sentences because right now that is how I feel. I give and tell. I work and show but nothing seems to work. I’m understanding and willing to give space but then it is taken advantage of. Then I am left with the missing pieces trying to figure out what have I done so wrong. Maybe it is that I hope too much and work so hard to make the relationship work that I am willing to become a blank canvas open and willing to what ever man comes into my life. Now don’t see this as becoming desperate there is a huge difference. I don’t need a man in my life but when I have one I don’t play a mystery game I let him know everything. I look at having a man (or anyone) in my life because they know me I cant do that if I am holding back so much I mean its best to tell all, give him the choice to be with me because I do not want to waste time in a relationship and one conversation slips out and the whole mood changes. .A lot of people will say you need to withhold till you know he is the one but I always wondered how I know he’s the one if I don’t tell him everything. If he wants sex and I don’t am I supposed to hold on to that till were lying in bed and then I tell him that? See that is the whole confusing part with dating or letting people in. When do you divulge the information? Then when I let go and let the person in I am shunned away like I’m not needed any more and all the wordy promise go out the window. Am I supposed to believe that all men are liars and out to hurt me?? This may sound like I'm hurt but I'm not. I’m just confused. My confusion lies with in the when do I tell and how much do I tell.
Life has circumstances which make you think.
I’m not happy when I don’t feel free. I hate knowing I am forced to work, even if it is for me, but to live the life I want I have to work to some standards. I have to abide by a set of rules. But I swear sometimes I want to quit the ideal views of this society and become a guitar playing panhandling bum.
I no longer want to feel like a caged bird and I have to peck my way out but the only way to make it in the American society is to live by the clock and the time the employer gives to me.
Believe me I am not so idealistic not to understand the dynamics of a business and the fact that a person chooses to have money and to do so the company needs able bodies to work and comply. I want to have my own company one day and I know I will become what I despise now a papertimecomplance mongrel. Funny, ironically, yes but at the same time idealistic people are sometimes the best conformist.
I want to say unhappiness is what is driving me to behave in this manor but I don’t mind working the job I have. At time I would love to be challenged more but eh
“The person who is slowest in making a promise is most faithful in its performance." - Jean Jacques Rousseau
I haven’t been writing many musing of myself lately because it seems to keep going in the same circle. Crappy, interesting, funny or sad things happen in my life and I write about it. I begin to over analyze it instead of just living the experience and moving on from it. I know each day is a step and each day I learn from things that occur in my life. Sometimes I forgot what has happened in my life until a situation comes up to jog my memory which I dwell on but sooner or later I need to move on. I am in a sense doing what I am complaining about, writing about stuff in my life. Yeah it’s a bit self –centered, but I think each person is because we want the world to revolve around us (a lot of the times we make the world appear that way). Even if we are self less, we still do selfish things for our own pleasure because happiness is a selfless and selfish emotion which teeters like “a thin line between love and hate”.
Just a few rambles of what’s been going on in my mind and yet I can never completely finish a full thought (as you can see). Augh helllp
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Let it Go
I originally wrote this on my myspace page(04/22/07) and decided to transfer it over to here.I needed to re-read this with everything going on and Id like to share this with anyone that stumbles onto my page. :)
Let it go for 2006..(07)
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they we not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift ,I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents..LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!! ( Well 07)
Let it go for 2006..(07)
By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they we not for
us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over.
Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift ,I believe in good-bye.
It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me.
And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it.
Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .....LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you ........LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents..LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .......LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are soused to handling yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it,"then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past.
Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2006!!! ( Well 07)
Crush
I wrote this thinking about all of the men I have crushed over. I guess late at night and a lot on my mind cant really sleep .Even after walking 3 miles around midtown this am and getting something’s off of my mind (walking with a good listener takes some of the heat off).We walked and talk . We shared and confessed. I mean distant strangers sometimes are the best people to talk to because this person really doesn’t know you. However, I still have more because the constant wheels in my head are turning and I am beginning to feel almost light but yet I am feeling heavy. Too much to deal wit in one day. So here goes:
If I tell him my secret could I be free
Of the mind games and the delusions I play
Day in and day out of the what if and could be’s
Like a school girl I write his name on my book
Change my last name to his
Play the game of if he were mine would the loneliness cease to exist
The future we have, the quite moments we share, all in my mind
Because I am afraid to tell him he is
My secret crush
The fasciations and the childish boy meets girl tease
The façade of being his type the girl of his dreams
The fictional family and the imaginary fight with a make up scene
I want to change the world in his eye Be the one he truly desires but
If I tell him my secret would I be free
Only to know reality pulls the strings
Taking away the friend I have slowly acquired
To have the momentary freedom of a
Physical, emotional, and spiritual bond.
All a fantasy, the one played out in my mind, because
I have been placing this crush on a pedestal
Only to know
He will and could never live up to my dream
Because he is different from what I have conjured up in the
Recess of my mind
The picture perfect man
As the secret crush
If I tell him my secret could I be free
Of the mind games and the delusions I play
Day in and day out of the what if and could be’s
Like a school girl I write his name on my book
Change my last name to his
Play the game of if he were mine would the loneliness cease to exist
The future we have, the quite moments we share, all in my mind
Because I am afraid to tell him he is
My secret crush
The fasciations and the childish boy meets girl tease
The façade of being his type the girl of his dreams
The fictional family and the imaginary fight with a make up scene
I want to change the world in his eye Be the one he truly desires but
If I tell him my secret would I be free
Only to know reality pulls the strings
Taking away the friend I have slowly acquired
To have the momentary freedom of a
Physical, emotional, and spiritual bond.
All a fantasy, the one played out in my mind, because
I have been placing this crush on a pedestal
Only to know
He will and could never live up to my dream
Because he is different from what I have conjured up in the
Recess of my mind
The picture perfect man
As the secret crush
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Wondering
Are there ever enough experiences in life that you want to just move on from?
Yes, everyday I breathe I just want to get to the point in my life that all this transitional shifting makes sense.
All the non sense, the self analysis, the purging, the happiness and pain could show some sort of true contentment.
I guess being in the middle of the storm I really can’t see the change I yearn for so desperately.
I think I am changing but then I see some of the same habits come back to light.
Its big mass of mess and I don’t really see why I am doing this.
I feel like I need to so I can become the person I think I am supposed to be.
But right now, is this all possible.
I dream of a new life and change
Yet will this come when I move
Or
Will I sill be me even after leaving what I have become accustomed to?
Sure I want companionship preferable marriage but the fish out there seem to be contaminated on purpose and the manufacture failed to tell me I was being poisoned.
This reminds me of a class on interpersonal relationship
There is a dot on your head and you attract the people to this dot
If you want to change the people that are attracted to this dot change you
I was floored when I heard this from the teacher and thought it was a wonderful idea until
I decided to change.
There is no road map, no guide, and no help when you want to change
Yes, I know self help book, groups, therapy, and ect
but this can not put the
ah ha
I don’t want to change
I see no need to change
I am content where I am
I don’t like it
but I (right now) don't want to push myself and see what is
beyond here and now
to actually be accountable for me
to just skate by is okay.
I am become stagnant
this has drained my zest to
have more
be more
and fulfill my true potential
*laughs*
I needed to write that
to see the "crash diet" I’ve put myself on
I need to take the time to divide up my life and
make a life change inside first then everything on the outside will come.
I say this nowbut watch I'll be back with a new rendition of this song. Whoa I need to be a little more positive here. I might really change. There that looks better
I will always be unhappy till I say
enough
I’m done with this
I am focused on changing
because i am no longer happy in this stage
And pick up me, dust me off, and progress
Until then I will be who I am and right now I am fairly ok.
Yes, everyday I breathe I just want to get to the point in my life that all this transitional shifting makes sense.
All the non sense, the self analysis, the purging, the happiness and pain could show some sort of true contentment.
I guess being in the middle of the storm I really can’t see the change I yearn for so desperately.
I think I am changing but then I see some of the same habits come back to light.
Its big mass of mess and I don’t really see why I am doing this.
I feel like I need to so I can become the person I think I am supposed to be.
But right now, is this all possible.
I dream of a new life and change
Yet will this come when I move
Or
Will I sill be me even after leaving what I have become accustomed to?
Sure I want companionship preferable marriage but the fish out there seem to be contaminated on purpose and the manufacture failed to tell me I was being poisoned.
This reminds me of a class on interpersonal relationship
There is a dot on your head and you attract the people to this dot
If you want to change the people that are attracted to this dot change you
I was floored when I heard this from the teacher and thought it was a wonderful idea until
I decided to change.
There is no road map, no guide, and no help when you want to change
Yes, I know self help book, groups, therapy, and ect
but this can not put the
ah ha
I don’t want to change
I see no need to change
I am content where I am
I don’t like it
but I (right now) don't want to push myself and see what is
beyond here and now
to actually be accountable for me
to just skate by is okay.
I am become stagnant
this has drained my zest to
have more
be more
and fulfill my true potential
*laughs*
I needed to write that
to see the "crash diet" I’ve put myself on
I need to take the time to divide up my life and
make a life change inside first then everything on the outside will come.
I say this now
I will always be unhappy till I say
enough
I’m done with this
I am focused on changing
because i am no longer happy in this stage
And pick up me, dust me off, and progress
Until then I will be who I am and right now I am fairly ok.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Hug
Pull
Withdrawn
Comforting
Safety
Security
No not this time won’t be pulled in
Resist the urge to fall to completely
release the Fear
the Unknown
The Time and energy
of this Touch
Strength
Sincerity
Desire
In a simple hug.
I sat down and tried to type out in a poem conveying how I feel but it was hard.
This all started a week and a day ago. I met an acquaintance while at the gym. We both went to the same JC and occasionally worked out at the same 24 but the difference now versus then was me. About 3 years ago, I was working out he approaches me and ask if I wanted to have fun in the sauna. Okay, so I went bi*** mode and told him a piece of my mind. After that point, I'd see him around but never spoke. If you've been where I have then you know the wanting party still speaks. Not necessarily verbally but visually. Either way I didn't care, till a week and a day ago.
I was sitting in the sauna and he walked in and sat down. Now, when I am sweating my life away I really prefer not to have a conversation because the sauna is my dead to the world time, which is why I bring my Ipod.
Ipod's, off subject, are the greatest people distraction ever. Don’t want to be bothered put the Ipod on and you're completely alone in a busy world.
I don’t know what happened to me that day. I was nice, goodness, nice. I say this because I've been down right mean to people. I'm mad at the relationships I've been in. I'm mad that bull keeps happening. I'm mad because people can be sh** and have the idea that I have to accept them for who they are. Well no actually I don’t. So to eliminate the dealing with the mass public I keep to my self and those who I like. But that day his smile was childlike trusting and his genuine concern for what I had been doing sine he left SCC was refreshing. So I instead of speaking to him in oh , unhumm , and yeah's I took off my head set and spoke. Trivial conversation we had. Nothing in depth , this was fine with me. As the conversation started to slow down I decided to leave. I was in the sauna longer than what I allowed myself and my hair was not a happy camper . I change into drier clothes to go home. As I am walking out towards my car, I hear, " Hey, you're walking a bit fast." I recognized the voice , turned around and told him, " Maybe you're walking too slow. I didn't think I needed to wait on you." I turned around and reached for my car door. Ironically he was parked right in front of me. I knew what was coming next, I actually loathe it. But I decided since I was nice before I'll be a flirty girl and play this game he has up his sleeve.
Him: So where are you going
Me : Not where you're going
Him: Stop being apprehensive, if I was going to do something it would all be on tape
Me: that doesn’t stop dumb a***s any other time .
Him: look , my name is K, I just want to see what you are all about. Talk away from here you’re beautiful
Me: I know your name. Thank you though. I'll stick with cute. Sure.. Life is full of moments pending from death. I'll follow you and see what your conversation is about. I just want friends so don’t get your hopes up.
Him: Aww.. I can cope with being you're friend but I'm forewarning you. You're going to make it hard for me to behave. You have this touch me look.
Me: o wow the lines are good. Why don’t you find my unattractive feature focus on that and just be my friend. Ever think of that.
Him: why would I do that
Me: because one day you will
Him: no. just follow ok.
We drive for about 10 min and meet at this park. He gets out so do I . We talk more. He ask why I don’t want more from him and asked if I call my family and gave them the run down on him. I explain I leave in 2.5 months that I don’t want to deal with the drama of a relationship, my current mental mood, and that I don’t want to have sex. (All which are male driven deterrents till my slowly stable life comes to be) I told home yes I called my mom and sis and gave a run down of the brief history I knew. He gives me the typical , " O I understand and I totally want to be your friend . I will respect your boundaries and move at "our" pace." As we're talking he ask mid sentence for a hug. Now mind you I'm sweaty from the gym . I just wanted to go home shower relax with my cat and drift into sleep. .. I tell him no, well for the obvious , and that I knew hugs as simple as they are can be springboards for more. After a few back and forth , I gave in.
I though it was going to a short hug and we'd go back to talking but no it was a very long hug. As if he was inspecting my shape engulfing my mind, searching for who I really am. I will admit the first couple of seconds I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want this . I could feel the femine side come out. I wanted to be there forever I wanted to tell him what ever he wanted from me was a yes but I knew he wanted more. The more I couldn’t give him nor would I want to give, realistically. I would pull away and he sense my tension and he pulled closer. I would stiffen he would cup the under of my back, like holding a small child from danger. Started to feel my self fold into him slowly start to let go begin to reciprocate the touch his body mold my body to his but then he spoke in two ways. He said, " You don’t know what I would do to you " and his body responded in that same manor. I pulled out and told him I think we should go . Being the typical male in my life and the response I'm growing weary of," look what you've done to me. I'm so hard let me relieve this pressure." I told him he was on his own but if he needed an audience sure I'll stick around.
I was screaming in my head, "SH**. I knew this would happen. I knew that is what he is all about. Figures that he come off as potential and this crap happens again. SH**. SH**. SH**. I just cant find a decent guy who will remain decent enough not to have the first thing on his mind is sex from anything physical from me. What the fu** is wrong with me now?!!"
He relives his self apologizes and ask for my number to call in the future. At this point, I don’t care again. I'm empty and pissed. I give him the number, I know he wont call, and drive away.
It's been a week and a day. He hasn’t called and I'm glad but I miss his hug. Not him the moment in time before he spoke. That split second I almost fell for him. This is what I am feigning for to see him for . After that I could care less what happens because I don’t trust him and I know he is going to be like all of the bad men I've purged out of my life, sex addicts.
Withdrawn
Comforting
Safety
Security
No not this time won’t be pulled in
Resist the urge to fall to completely
release the Fear
the Unknown
The Time and energy
of this Touch
Strength
Sincerity
Desire
In a simple hug.
I sat down and tried to type out in a poem conveying how I feel but it was hard.
This all started a week and a day ago. I met an acquaintance while at the gym. We both went to the same JC and occasionally worked out at the same 24 but the difference now versus then was me. About 3 years ago, I was working out he approaches me and ask if I wanted to have fun in the sauna. Okay, so I went bi*** mode and told him a piece of my mind. After that point, I'd see him around but never spoke. If you've been where I have then you know the wanting party still speaks. Not necessarily verbally but visually. Either way I didn't care, till a week and a day ago.
I was sitting in the sauna and he walked in and sat down. Now, when I am sweating my life away I really prefer not to have a conversation because the sauna is my dead to the world time, which is why I bring my Ipod.
Ipod's, off subject, are the greatest people distraction ever. Don’t want to be bothered put the Ipod on and you're completely alone in a busy world.
I don’t know what happened to me that day. I was nice, goodness, nice. I say this because I've been down right mean to people. I'm mad at the relationships I've been in. I'm mad that bull keeps happening. I'm mad because people can be sh** and have the idea that I have to accept them for who they are. Well no actually I don’t. So to eliminate the dealing with the mass public I keep to my self and those who I like. But that day his smile was childlike trusting and his genuine concern for what I had been doing sine he left SCC was refreshing. So I instead of speaking to him in oh , unhumm , and yeah's I took off my head set and spoke. Trivial conversation we had. Nothing in depth , this was fine with me. As the conversation started to slow down I decided to leave. I was in the sauna longer than what I allowed myself and my hair was not a happy camper . I change into drier clothes to go home. As I am walking out towards my car, I hear, " Hey, you're walking a bit fast." I recognized the voice , turned around and told him, " Maybe you're walking too slow. I didn't think I needed to wait on you." I turned around and reached for my car door. Ironically he was parked right in front of me. I knew what was coming next, I actually loathe it. But I decided since I was nice before I'll be a flirty girl and play this game he has up his sleeve.
Him: So where are you going
Me : Not where you're going
Him: Stop being apprehensive, if I was going to do something it would all be on tape
Me: that doesn’t stop dumb a***s any other time .
Him: look , my name is K, I just want to see what you are all about. Talk away from here you’re beautiful
Me: I know your name. Thank you though. I'll stick with cute. Sure.. Life is full of moments pending from death. I'll follow you and see what your conversation is about. I just want friends so don’t get your hopes up.
Him: Aww.. I can cope with being you're friend but I'm forewarning you. You're going to make it hard for me to behave. You have this touch me look.
Me: o wow the lines are good. Why don’t you find my unattractive feature focus on that and just be my friend. Ever think of that.
Him: why would I do that
Me: because one day you will
Him: no. just follow ok.
We drive for about 10 min and meet at this park. He gets out so do I . We talk more. He ask why I don’t want more from him and asked if I call my family and gave them the run down on him. I explain I leave in 2.5 months that I don’t want to deal with the drama of a relationship, my current mental mood, and that I don’t want to have sex. (All which are male driven deterrents till my slowly stable life comes to be) I told home yes I called my mom and sis and gave a run down of the brief history I knew. He gives me the typical , " O I understand and I totally want to be your friend . I will respect your boundaries and move at "our" pace." As we're talking he ask mid sentence for a hug. Now mind you I'm sweaty from the gym . I just wanted to go home shower relax with my cat and drift into sleep. .. I tell him no, well for the obvious , and that I knew hugs as simple as they are can be springboards for more. After a few back and forth , I gave in.
I though it was going to a short hug and we'd go back to talking but no it was a very long hug. As if he was inspecting my shape engulfing my mind, searching for who I really am. I will admit the first couple of seconds I was uncomfortable because I didn’t want this . I could feel the femine side come out. I wanted to be there forever I wanted to tell him what ever he wanted from me was a yes but I knew he wanted more. The more I couldn’t give him nor would I want to give, realistically. I would pull away and he sense my tension and he pulled closer. I would stiffen he would cup the under of my back, like holding a small child from danger. Started to feel my self fold into him slowly start to let go begin to reciprocate the touch his body mold my body to his but then he spoke in two ways. He said, " You don’t know what I would do to you " and his body responded in that same manor. I pulled out and told him I think we should go . Being the typical male in my life and the response I'm growing weary of," look what you've done to me. I'm so hard let me relieve this pressure." I told him he was on his own but if he needed an audience sure I'll stick around.
I was screaming in my head, "SH**. I knew this would happen. I knew that is what he is all about. Figures that he come off as potential and this crap happens again. SH**. SH**. SH**. I just cant find a decent guy who will remain decent enough not to have the first thing on his mind is sex from anything physical from me. What the fu** is wrong with me now?!!"
He relives his self apologizes and ask for my number to call in the future. At this point, I don’t care again. I'm empty and pissed. I give him the number, I know he wont call, and drive away.
It's been a week and a day. He hasn’t called and I'm glad but I miss his hug. Not him the moment in time before he spoke. That split second I almost fell for him. This is what I am feigning for to see him for . After that I could care less what happens because I don’t trust him and I know he is going to be like all of the bad men I've purged out of my life, sex addicts.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Wishful Thinking
Can I come to peace with the piece of my life?
Is this meant to be a storm that I can never get a hold of?
To use the words be strong have faith because change is going to come
Come how
Come when
Come to who
Seriously I'm supposed to believe in the impossible implementation of
What could happen with no physical proof of this happening
To me
Personally
Life has ups and downs
Yes I’m the first to hold this true
However
The vague unresponsive dead weight of
Positive words seem to kill me each time it’s spoken
Seriously I’m supposed to believe in the possible
With a set of words that linger in the air like promises of 40 acres and mule
Drowning in the hope that change is going to come
What about the words change will not come
Charge down the hope
Beeline towards the truth in tomorrows another day and shit will still follow.
Don’t give me the work of telling myself its okay
It’s alright
That life will be okay in spite of
The light at the end of the tunnel speech ]
Hum bullshit
Just tell me there’s no hope no chance no will
Maybe
I might see the light you speak of
Is this meant to be a storm that I can never get a hold of?
To use the words be strong have faith because change is going to come
Come how
Come when
Come to who
Seriously I'm supposed to believe in the impossible implementation of
What could happen with no physical proof of this happening
To me
Personally
Life has ups and downs
Yes I’m the first to hold this true
However
The vague unresponsive dead weight of
Positive words seem to kill me each time it’s spoken
Seriously I’m supposed to believe in the possible
With a set of words that linger in the air like promises of 40 acres and mule
Drowning in the hope that change is going to come
What about the words change will not come
Charge down the hope
Beeline towards the truth in tomorrows another day and shit will still follow.
Don’t give me the work of telling myself its okay
It’s alright
That life will be okay in spite of
The light at the end of the tunnel speech ]
Hum bullshit
Just tell me there’s no hope no chance no will
Maybe
I might see the light you speak of
Friday, April 13, 2007
Random Love
Love is a change of emotions
Like the weather either you bear the storm
Or move on to a better place
Either you choose this person first or make him or her last
In the back of your mind this choice is the defining moment in your
Life work of love
because you can loose or win but only you are the one to blame for the final outcome
Many say there are numerous fish in the sea but how many of those fish will attach themselves to your bait
The choice is bear the storm or move on
yet
Love is a change of perception
Like becoming a child to an adult either you become stagnant in thoughts
Or become open minded to new thinking
Accept the truth you can either stay or leave
The choice you make defines
who you truly are
What you truly want
Like the weather either you bear the storm
Or move on to a better place
Either you choose this person first or make him or her last
In the back of your mind this choice is the defining moment in your
Life work of love
because you can loose or win but only you are the one to blame for the final outcome
Many say there are numerous fish in the sea but how many of those fish will attach themselves to your bait
The choice is bear the storm or move on
yet
Love is a change of perception
Like becoming a child to an adult either you become stagnant in thoughts
Or become open minded to new thinking
Accept the truth you can either stay or leave
The choice you make defines
who you truly are
What you truly want
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Self-Transformation
“Most people who decide to change something about themselves leap headlong into action.” Oprah magazine V.8 p.57 2007
I was reading O magazine a few weeks ago. In her January 2007 edition, the main focus was “Be The Woman You Want to Be: Why it’s so Hard to Change Yourself a Revolutionary Guide to Making it Happen”. Ok, honestly I looked at the cover and was skeptical, but, at the same time I wanted to change. I’ve been talking about change like a new man crush that I was too afraid to approach (unless I was drunk but that’s a different story). I would write about the small changes and the backsliding to old habits. I would promise that this time, like all other times, that the changes I wanted to make would stick, yet the whole time I was looking in the mirror with covered eyes. I would peak through my fingers and see the hideousness of my ways but cover my eyes again , shaking my head , saying that it’s okay this time because it’s for the last time. I know that feeding into my old ways is only fueling the fire and I’ll never change unless I stop all together.
Funny, but, to change is to stop one habit and start another.
So, I’m reading the magazine and get to a page titled “O, Something to Think About “. On the page there were four questions to begin, as the reader, my self transformation. Again, skepticism a foot. How can four questions determine the jump start to my transformation? Now, skeptism always hinders me for getting the full benefit of the message because I have predestined views in mind. So I closed the magazine and called it a bunch of bull shit that Oprah is trying to force down my throat (mind you I bought the magazine to help myself ha-ha) I let the magazine sit on my desk for a two weeks. Midway through the second week, I put my history textbook over the cover because I was tired of seeing the nagging orange letters reminding me to be the woman I’ve always wanted as well as those 4 questions. I’m not really ready to commit to the changes I wanted to make. I want to change but committing to the change is the issue. This conclusion was after I picked up the magazine today and read the first two questions:
1a. Do I know why I want to make this change? ____________
1b. Have I assembled all the instructions, equipment, and advisers that this shift will require? ___________________________________
2. You should be able to answer “yes” to both questions before you commit to a transition. Can you explain the reason for the change and list the places you can turn to for help? _________________________________________________________________
Well, doh, I know why I want to make this change. I want to have a happier, spiritual, consistent, healthier, and stronger life for myself. I need to wake up every morning and sleep every night happy with me by not caring what any one thinks, living for myself, doing what makes me happy , standing up for myself and being okay with doing that, controlling my stronger emotions( anger , sadness, disappointment, and fear ) , communicating better, and living with God first before a husband. Now have I done part b of question one? Nope. There are ideas of what to do but I don’t know how to take them and create a plan with all of the aspect of the question.
** I’ll continue with an update as I progress on and answer the other four questions when I get there. ….
Ooo.. This is my 102 post here on blogger and I've been on for almost a year! I think yeaaaa for me... : )
I was reading O magazine a few weeks ago. In her January 2007 edition, the main focus was “Be The Woman You Want to Be: Why it’s so Hard to Change Yourself a Revolutionary Guide to Making it Happen”. Ok, honestly I looked at the cover and was skeptical, but, at the same time I wanted to change. I’ve been talking about change like a new man crush that I was too afraid to approach (unless I was drunk but that’s a different story). I would write about the small changes and the backsliding to old habits. I would promise that this time, like all other times, that the changes I wanted to make would stick, yet the whole time I was looking in the mirror with covered eyes. I would peak through my fingers and see the hideousness of my ways but cover my eyes again , shaking my head , saying that it’s okay this time because it’s for the last time. I know that feeding into my old ways is only fueling the fire and I’ll never change unless I stop all together.
Funny, but, to change is to stop one habit and start another.
So, I’m reading the magazine and get to a page titled “O, Something to Think About “. On the page there were four questions to begin, as the reader, my self transformation. Again, skepticism a foot. How can four questions determine the jump start to my transformation? Now, skeptism always hinders me for getting the full benefit of the message because I have predestined views in mind. So I closed the magazine and called it a bunch of bull shit that Oprah is trying to force down my throat (mind you I bought the magazine to help myself ha-ha) I let the magazine sit on my desk for a two weeks. Midway through the second week, I put my history textbook over the cover because I was tired of seeing the nagging orange letters reminding me to be the woman I’ve always wanted as well as those 4 questions. I’m not really ready to commit to the changes I wanted to make. I want to change but committing to the change is the issue. This conclusion was after I picked up the magazine today and read the first two questions:
1a. Do I know why I want to make this change? ____________
1b. Have I assembled all the instructions, equipment, and advisers that this shift will require? ___________________________________
2. You should be able to answer “yes” to both questions before you commit to a transition. Can you explain the reason for the change and list the places you can turn to for help? _________________________________________________________________
Well, doh, I know why I want to make this change. I want to have a happier, spiritual, consistent, healthier, and stronger life for myself. I need to wake up every morning and sleep every night happy with me by not caring what any one thinks, living for myself, doing what makes me happy , standing up for myself and being okay with doing that, controlling my stronger emotions( anger , sadness, disappointment, and fear ) , communicating better, and living with God first before a husband. Now have I done part b of question one? Nope. There are ideas of what to do but I don’t know how to take them and create a plan with all of the aspect of the question.
** I’ll continue with an update as I progress on and answer the other four questions when I get there. ….
Ooo.. This is my 102 post here on blogger and I've been on for almost a year! I think yeaaaa for me... : )
Thursday, December 28, 2006
It's Cold
I’m being told that changes do happen over night. This is in complete conflict with what I think change is about. I’ve always liked the old saying, “changes doesn't happen overnight”. I mean it doesn’t because changes does take time. Even if I were to change over night I still have to remind myself daily until it becomes part of my habit that I have changed. To believe that change happens instantly is hurtful and unrealistic. To expect a person who has been hurting or living in fear for a long period of time to snap out of it is like having the flu and the body is just supposed to go back to normal with out being nursed to health. This is my view on change. It’s like a chemotherapy to a cancer patent it eats away at the cancer till it is in remission or gone. The chemo treatment takes time and has side effects just like change, meaning that every once in a while I will slip and fall but that doesn’t mean that I am not a changed person. Most men that I talk to treat me as if I will never open up , that I will never change from the fear and mistrust in my voice but this is not I am implying. I am saying give me the time to make the small step of change into the bigger picture of my life. And, yes, everything that he would ask for may come.
The emotional, physical, and psychological parts of change, I guess, are harder for me. Why?! I am fearful of being hurt again by completely opening up and trusting someone. To release that much of my self control to another person is like putting me into a coffin and giving me 30 minutes of air. I am going to panic. I have always been in “control” of myself. I have always been the one to pick up for others, to be the support system, to basically be a parent. Don’t get me wrong I had a childhood but I was always too mature for my own age. In relationships, it’s the same way I open up to my mate like a mother seeing her child for the fist time. All the fears the hopes and dreams of this child are fresh. But when stepping into a relationship time after time with this same mentality it has started to create scars. Because the child that I envisioned so perfectly has started to grow up and is causing serious damage.When I keep giving birth to a demon child I started to wonder is it me and I should just quit breeding. The small amount of hope in me still want to see the good in people and believe them at face value. But I am asking myself at what cost. It’s not like I don’t trust anyone I am very cautious to let go of my control.
A funny analogy came in my head when I wrote that.
Remember when you were a kid and you were going to the pool for a swim because it was hot outside. I know I'm going off topic, but it will circle around go with me okay. Its hella hot out side and you want to cool off by going in the pool because you know the water is cold. But what is the first thing you do when you’re at the pool? Put you foot in to see how cold the pool is. Well obviously you know the pool is cold but you want to see how cold before jumping in. You put your foot in and retract it so quickly because it is really cold. So instead of jumping in and getting it over with, you slowly torture your self by putting each body part in slowly until you’re completely in. Now there were other kids that did the same test but instead of slowly getting in the water those kids jumped in the pool and screamed bloody hell for the pool being so cold. I feel like that at this moment with C. I wan to just jump in but the reaction my body will take to the cold is something I don’t want to deal with. However, has C done anything for me to subject him to my “wall”? At this moment, yes, because I will not let go of the 2 P’s and an E (see first sentence of the previous section). They have protected me from being hurt but have stopped me from caring and being cared for. Yes, I am angry right now as well as frustrated and hopeless (in the sense of find the right person). I am still dealing with one issue of my past at a time plus I really don’t want to go out in the pool. Being selfish is my mind frame right now and is that fair not really but I want to .Then I met C. He is showing me the living in my moment is not helping me and is causing me to loose good people. Honestly I hear what he is saying but I’m stubborn. I know he has better intentions than men twice his age. Yet, I want to run him through the list of flaws from my past to make sure, actually triple sure that before I let him in he won’t take me down that path again. Through out the short time I’ve know him he’s been constant with his words by supporting them with his actions. The other factor is he is 18. What the hell! I would never have any feeling for a guy younger than I then again here I am wondering could I give this kid a chance. I guess blessing don’t come in the packing you want them to. Over all C is a good guy (well except the being 18 and living @ home part) and is enjoyable to be around. However he just wants me to snap out of all the pain I’ve had and just jump blindly into his life because he tells me what I’ve waited to hear for a long time. Okay besides the fact that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is just starting out in his life, which drives me crazy. I know I can’t fault him for being young because I was once living at home going to school and working a remedial job. Yet at my age I need the stability of a man that has similar to what I have plus I need him to have some life experiences behind him. On the other hand his refreshing views on life and his coping style along with the way he communicates seems to overshadow my doubts. I want to give him a chance to go out and try again. Maybe this time might it could be really okay.
The emotional, physical, and psychological parts of change, I guess, are harder for me. Why?! I am fearful of being hurt again by completely opening up and trusting someone. To release that much of my self control to another person is like putting me into a coffin and giving me 30 minutes of air. I am going to panic. I have always been in “control” of myself. I have always been the one to pick up for others, to be the support system, to basically be a parent. Don’t get me wrong I had a childhood but I was always too mature for my own age. In relationships, it’s the same way I open up to my mate like a mother seeing her child for the fist time. All the fears the hopes and dreams of this child are fresh. But when stepping into a relationship time after time with this same mentality it has started to create scars. Because the child that I envisioned so perfectly has started to grow up and is causing serious damage.When I keep giving birth to a demon child I started to wonder is it me and I should just quit breeding. The small amount of hope in me still want to see the good in people and believe them at face value. But I am asking myself at what cost. It’s not like I don’t trust anyone I am very cautious to let go of my control.
A funny analogy came in my head when I wrote that.
Remember when you were a kid and you were going to the pool for a swim because it was hot outside. I know I'm going off topic, but it will circle around go with me okay. Its hella hot out side and you want to cool off by going in the pool because you know the water is cold. But what is the first thing you do when you’re at the pool? Put you foot in to see how cold the pool is. Well obviously you know the pool is cold but you want to see how cold before jumping in. You put your foot in and retract it so quickly because it is really cold. So instead of jumping in and getting it over with, you slowly torture your self by putting each body part in slowly until you’re completely in. Now there were other kids that did the same test but instead of slowly getting in the water those kids jumped in the pool and screamed bloody hell for the pool being so cold. I feel like that at this moment with C. I wan to just jump in but the reaction my body will take to the cold is something I don’t want to deal with. However, has C done anything for me to subject him to my “wall”? At this moment, yes, because I will not let go of the 2 P’s and an E (see first sentence of the previous section). They have protected me from being hurt but have stopped me from caring and being cared for. Yes, I am angry right now as well as frustrated and hopeless (in the sense of find the right person). I am still dealing with one issue of my past at a time plus I really don’t want to go out in the pool. Being selfish is my mind frame right now and is that fair not really but I want to .Then I met C. He is showing me the living in my moment is not helping me and is causing me to loose good people. Honestly I hear what he is saying but I’m stubborn. I know he has better intentions than men twice his age. Yet, I want to run him through the list of flaws from my past to make sure, actually triple sure that before I let him in he won’t take me down that path again. Through out the short time I’ve know him he’s been constant with his words by supporting them with his actions. The other factor is he is 18. What the hell! I would never have any feeling for a guy younger than I then again here I am wondering could I give this kid a chance. I guess blessing don’t come in the packing you want them to. Over all C is a good guy (well except the being 18 and living @ home part) and is enjoyable to be around. However he just wants me to snap out of all the pain I’ve had and just jump blindly into his life because he tells me what I’ve waited to hear for a long time. Okay besides the fact that he is 7 years younger than I am and he is just starting out in his life, which drives me crazy. I know I can’t fault him for being young because I was once living at home going to school and working a remedial job. Yet at my age I need the stability of a man that has similar to what I have plus I need him to have some life experiences behind him. On the other hand his refreshing views on life and his coping style along with the way he communicates seems to overshadow my doubts. I want to give him a chance to go out and try again. Maybe this time might it could be really okay.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Up
Can you man up
Not in the stereotypical sense
Meaning man up of your time not your money
To protect me as if I were gold not gold plated nickel
Making sure I follow Him before following my feelings towards you
Can you man up
Not protecting me like property you own
But as a 401k that you’re investing each pay period into
To watch the investment grow and retire when the time is right
See sexual healing is nice
Buying me this and that is fine
Telling me all the words I want to hear is sufficient
But to understand, respect, and support
My values
My time
My dreams
My mind
To know that God comes first then you and I
To expand
Our mind
Our bodies
Our dreams
By showing you sincerely care like
A brother to a sister
A father to a daughter
A man to a woman
See there is more to a connection than saying
Baby I will always be there
Promising me complete pleasure with your sexual healing
Acquiring what the world determines as success and wealth
Understand that
Placing honesty above your personal feeling
By following through on your word
Not hiding behind the fact that because you’re a man
you can not communicate your thought or emotions
because "maning up" means to see out side of the box you’re so accustomed to
and know there is more to a relationship than how you relate.
Not in the stereotypical sense
Meaning man up of your time not your money
To protect me as if I were gold not gold plated nickel
Making sure I follow Him before following my feelings towards you
Can you man up
Not protecting me like property you own
But as a 401k that you’re investing each pay period into
To watch the investment grow and retire when the time is right
See sexual healing is nice
Buying me this and that is fine
Telling me all the words I want to hear is sufficient
But to understand, respect, and support
My values
My time
My dreams
My mind
To know that God comes first then you and I
To expand
Our mind
Our bodies
Our dreams
By showing you sincerely care like
A brother to a sister
A father to a daughter
A man to a woman
See there is more to a connection than saying
Baby I will always be there
Promising me complete pleasure with your sexual healing
Acquiring what the world determines as success and wealth
Understand that
Placing honesty above your personal feeling
By following through on your word
Not hiding behind the fact that because you’re a man
you can not communicate your thought or emotions
because "maning up" means to see out side of the box you’re so accustomed to
and know there is more to a relationship than how you relate.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Do you like me ? Do I like you?
Ah parties. As fun as they can be once you sober up the mind starts reveling what you've done. Case and point. This past Saturday I went with a few co-workers to a Christmas party one of our sales reps were having in the bay. Lots of liquor was served and we were really wasted. Okay all but two of my co-workers were wasted, the driver and another girl. The remaining 4 of us were goners. I bring this up because my supervisor, who by the way so cute, was hitting on me. Now, I think he is an attractive man but I'm not interested in him. I mean we work together and I don’t really know him well enough to be infatuated to the point of dating. Plus, I have issues I need to work through before dating.
Anycase.
As the night got later he made a comment that threw me off guard. He stated that he like the way I was wearing the dress I had on as I was getting him another beer. Then when I came back he stated that I treat him so well. Then the rest of the night it was baby this and baby that. As we were leaving I used him as support. Ok I know another drunk asking another drunk for help, eh but understand I was in4.5"heels and a dress and walking on my on would of been disastrous. So I asked my sup for help.
Ok let me stop to analyze this and say I was not sexually harassed. I know all about that from personal experience believe me that one I’m not doing again. Listen if the advances are unwanted and you say stop that is harassment. This dear was in a way wanted. We make sexual jokes a lot at work (the two of us) so maybe that is why he wanted to be close. Then again, I wanted him to be closer to me which is why I asked him for help. My devious drunk mind now has me wishing this didn’t happen.
So we walk to the car and he is totally sweet. Asking if I'm okay and if I had a good time. I get in the car and fall out. He grasps my arm and starts touching it. Ok you ask how this is possible. I am in the front seat and he is directly behind me. I lay on the arm rest he grabs my arm. I return the favor because okay 5 months of not being really touched I didn’t want it to stop. So we stop for a bathroom break. My support gets out and helps me to the bathroom. Now his arms are around me and still gently touching me. We go do the bathroom thing and as we walk back to the car, I tell him that our relationship goes back to normal on Monday. He states, whatever you want I'm fine. I’m now in the back seat and he is spread out on the seat next to me. To be nice, yes nice, I move over to give him my shoulder because he had to drive two other wasted people home and needed the time to sleep the liquor off. He then kisses my arm and wraps the other around my leg touches me in that same sensual way. Okay I am a leg, back face neck, and one other area for arousal girl. Now here I am in the back seat fighting being aroused and moving my hand in the same sensual movement up his inner thigh (ok not all the way up there). I kissed his hair once in a while. When it was time for me get out of the truck he pulled me a little closer and moaned no. Ok that’s the night.
However I see him every workday and it bugs the crap out of me because I don’t know his mind set. I think he's still cute and I just don’t want anything physical. He just got out of a relationship and I have this feeling that he is just in a physical state. Then on the other hand I just want to pretend it didn’t happen because not to much did happen between us. It was two drink people feeling the each other why should I make more out of nothing. Then again the saying goes the truth comes out when you’re drunk. Yet it was nothing and I am making it something because I am concerned about out past conversation. As I said before we joke a lot sexually so, I’m concerned that since the other co-worker ,that was sober, had made a comment to other co-workers about out "moment" in jest this could create problems in the work area to more sensitive people we work with. So here is my dilemma leave it alone and pretend I'm okay or pull him to the side to talk about the "moment" to make sure our work relationship is ok. Plus to make sure our joking in limited to between each other when there is not a lot of people near by. Ahhhh.
I had a feeling this would happen
When he kept looking at me
I knew he was looking at me
Those stolen looks when no one would pay attention
The gentle attraction between the eyes
But before we became lost in our eyes
I would look and laugh my head away
He peered from amongst the crowd to
Steal another second of my eyes
I felt his presence even when I could not
See his eyes
I knew I needed to feed my own attraction
I would come closer to feel his presence and move away
This was the game we played till it came too close
Like a hand to a flame our game would soon end
I had a feeling this would happen
But I lied and told myself I could control the
Attraction by playing a flirtatious game
Laugh and look away
But the solitary moment when
The words
The touch
The look in his eyes
For more
Caused me to
No longer play a flirt to this game
Falling in
Deeply in
I knew it was mutual but was is withstanding
This solitary moment.
See moments in solitary causes
The open moments to be different
Now
I wake to see
The real world
With those same eyes
Strong with attraction
Have calmed down
No flirtatious game
No laughing and turning away
Just
Us
Needing to work together
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Who's to blame
I want to scream fu** you and your problems. You have this inability to see good when you have it and to deal with your need to come back to me when its all over and want try again. Thinking I am the same person you screwed with the first time and because I was gracious enough to forgive you twice. You, Mr. think I was the same person, well I’m not. See this is the issue when you’ve decided to change and think I am still waiting. Well, I’ve changed or so I think I have. I’m tired of being the good, patient, understanding, pleading person you knew you wanted. I was that person who sat and cared when no one else would. No, I’m not tooting my own horn I am admitting facts. Yes, I will admit I have issue, fuck it I’m human. I am the first to tell anyone that I have a good and a bad side pick a day and I’ll give you one and/or both but I am not a bull shitter. I am strait from the hip. I am pushy and I will communicate the stuff you do want to talk about. Then again why call yourself an adult and you, sir, can’t even man up to communicate to me. Yeah, I hear the voices saying maybe it me. Maybe I need to change and once I change all the crap I’m dealing with will go away. Wait while I scoff for a few seconds…. I want to agree with that psychological crap but sometimes there is an exception to the rule. I tell you I am the fing exception.
It’s like I have a banner for all the decent men who want to try being dogs to stop by and wipe their dirty feet on me. Then realize after their done o shit she was a good person let me go back and make amends to clear my mind. I could analyze this place the blame on me because that is what I would do with the maybe it's me crap but I’m not anymore because I know it’s not me. I don’t ask for much and I don’t take much. My thing is compromise and communicate because I can’t stop you from what you think you want to do. I always say if you don’t talk to me I don’t know how to help you and if you say nothing it causes bigger problems. You have issues so do I so let work on a plan to either remove them or cope with it but I am not here to make your world what you dream it will be but instead to help make it a little easier to deal with. Make sense right. I guess too new age. I mean why should there be roles (yes off of subject) to a relationship. I mean looking at the word in no way results a masculine or feminine notation to it in a sense it is asexual word. Back on subject.
Do I want to be angry and bitter? That is the tough question. I see myself slowing getting there and it’s not good. I still want to be that naïve little 18 year old who promised herself that no matter what the world does I would not be come cynical and mean spirited. Now I see, I really see that is a hard feat to accomplish when people keep knocking, spitting, and hitting in a inconspicuous kind of way. See, I wouldn’t be upset if I was being hit and I knew it…. OO no it has to be in the sly manipulative way. I’ll let her think I’m good then wham hit her with the bad news. This folk is the where the cynicism grows and the mean spirit is fostered because being honest is too easy. I just want agape and to give that in return. I don’t want agape love because agape is tangible but loving on the other hand that is a work in progress and no man matter of fact no person can give that to me only God can. I want this man to be unselfish, loyal, and to benevolent as well have concern for the good of God, me, his family, and his self. Will this happen the naïve girl in me say, yes but I guess I have to go through my anger phase first.
It’s like I have a banner for all the decent men who want to try being dogs to stop by and wipe their dirty feet on me. Then realize after their done o shit she was a good person let me go back and make amends to clear my mind. I could analyze this place the blame on me because that is what I would do with the maybe it's me crap but I’m not anymore because I know it’s not me. I don’t ask for much and I don’t take much. My thing is compromise and communicate because I can’t stop you from what you think you want to do. I always say if you don’t talk to me I don’t know how to help you and if you say nothing it causes bigger problems. You have issues so do I so let work on a plan to either remove them or cope with it but I am not here to make your world what you dream it will be but instead to help make it a little easier to deal with. Make sense right. I guess too new age. I mean why should there be roles (yes off of subject) to a relationship. I mean looking at the word in no way results a masculine or feminine notation to it in a sense it is asexual word. Back on subject.
Do I want to be angry and bitter? That is the tough question. I see myself slowing getting there and it’s not good. I still want to be that naïve little 18 year old who promised herself that no matter what the world does I would not be come cynical and mean spirited. Now I see, I really see that is a hard feat to accomplish when people keep knocking, spitting, and hitting in a inconspicuous kind of way. See, I wouldn’t be upset if I was being hit and I knew it…. OO no it has to be in the sly manipulative way. I’ll let her think I’m good then wham hit her with the bad news. This folk is the where the cynicism grows and the mean spirit is fostered because being honest is too easy. I just want agape and to give that in return. I don’t want agape love because agape is tangible but loving on the other hand that is a work in progress and no man matter of fact no person can give that to me only God can. I want this man to be unselfish, loyal, and to benevolent as well have concern for the good of God, me, his family, and his self. Will this happen the naïve girl in me say, yes but I guess I have to go through my anger phase first.
Monday, November 27, 2006
I want to be Mr. Right
J: Hi
Me: Hello?
J: How are you? I seen you drive past me the day before yesterday
J: You don’t like me huh?
Me: No, its not that I was in the middle of something and could not respond.
Me: Where did you see me?
J: Going down by Carol Miller.
Me: Ok, now who is this?
Me: I guess I don’t get an answer.
J: J
J: Can I see you? I promise no funny business.
Me: No. You made your feelings clear the last time we met. I really believed that when you came back from NY you would have changed. I guess those were lines. I mean why? You really don’t care about me.
J: It’s J
Me: I know who you are now and what I sent stands.
J: I do and I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m serious.
Me: J, I’m tired. I’ve been hurt too many times by you and this time I really don’t trust you. I forgive you for your actions, but I can’t see me trying again. This last time you really hurt me. I actually cried on the way home because I was so hurt. I don’t want this feeling any more. I have come to equate pain with you. I just came to the realization that I was nothing more that a fu**. When you were in the mood you’d call
J: I have been thinking about you and I want to change. I want you to be my girl for sure and no bs.
J: You’re a good lady. I realized that I want you to have the best and I want to give that you if you let me
Me: I’m tired of lines. I just don’t need this. I can’t take hearing you say; again, you seriously want me. I’ve come to the point that I just don’t want a relationship. I gave up. I mean if you tried, your really, tried because you wanted me you would not have waited this long.J: Can you come over so we can talk? I promise just talk.
J: I want to do right by you. Can we just talk in person? Just give me 15min.
Me (over phone): You can talk to me this way. I’m not coming in person.
J: You don’t want a relationship with me
Me: No. I gave up on us J. I got tired of being hurt by you more that once.
J: I only did it once.
Me: It was three times. I know. When you getting you’re a** kicked you know how many times it’s getting kicked. When you’re on the giving end it’s easy for you to forget.
J: I just want to start over
Me: I just don’t want to. I don’t care anymore. I mean again why you did wait so long. If you want something you fight for it. I mean you promised me when you came back you’d change. you came back and it was the same sh** all over again. You didn’t even try with me. You just went back to treating me the same. You treated me as if I had to fight to win you back like it was my job to show you I cared. That wasn’t the case. You were supposed to be fighting for me showing me I needed to stay and you let me leave. This wasn’t fair.
J: I guess. I wanted to give you time. I know why you get mad you need time.
Me: I didn’t need time I need you to be different.
J: whatever
Me: What do you want me to say J?! I mean that I want to try again, that I will run into your arms and it’s going to be okay. No, I can’t say that. I don’t want a relationship and you’re unwilling to try. I’m done (hang up)
J (calling back): Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes, because we were done. What more could be said. I mean honestly I am leaving in 7 months. I can’t not give you a relationship because of that. Thanks for texing and I wish you the best. Good night (hang up)
What is this the let’s trying again? I swear when I give up and throw in the towel. All the people who should have cared about me before come into the picture. They want to try again, they want to be the man they could not of been, and now realize I was right all along. It’s frustrating to open wounds that were closed because he decided he wants to be Mr. Right. It’s wrong and unfair to put someone through this. I woke up depressed and evaluating myself. I wondered what’s wrong with me that he couldn’t get it right the first three times, matter of fact the first time. I feel like the kid being picked last for the kick ball team. I know I have great talent and every time kickball is played the team I’m on is shocked that I can play but each time a game is started I’m still picked last. This is a defeate3d feeling and I hate it. I moved on I grew from the circumstances and now here I am dealing with what I thought was done in my mind. Now I see I really never healed I just compressed the issue and put it on the back burner. Now, I need to deal with my feeling and I don’t want to. It’s so difficult and I hate crying because that’s what I’ll do. Plus I'm scared to dig that deep because I really don’t trust anyone that much to help dig me out. To sit and watch me completely break down and have to rebuild. It’s a nothing feeling I don’t like to have. Being vulnerable and emotional in front of other people. Yet coping alone is worse now that I know better. Yet trusting people is really hard when I keep getting hurt. I know deep down in side what I said to him was right and fair .But to let go of a person I really wanted to be with is hard. Then to top it off with seeing a familiar pattern is driving me crazy.
Me: Hello?
J: How are you? I seen you drive past me the day before yesterday
J: You don’t like me huh?
Me: No, its not that I was in the middle of something and could not respond.
Me: Where did you see me?
J: Going down by Carol Miller.
Me: Ok, now who is this?
Me: I guess I don’t get an answer.
J: J
J: Can I see you? I promise no funny business.
Me: No. You made your feelings clear the last time we met. I really believed that when you came back from NY you would have changed. I guess those were lines. I mean why? You really don’t care about me.
J: It’s J
Me: I know who you are now and what I sent stands.
J: I do and I want you to be my girlfriend. I’m serious.
Me: J, I’m tired. I’ve been hurt too many times by you and this time I really don’t trust you. I forgive you for your actions, but I can’t see me trying again. This last time you really hurt me. I actually cried on the way home because I was so hurt. I don’t want this feeling any more. I have come to equate pain with you. I just came to the realization that I was nothing more that a fu**. When you were in the mood you’d call
J: I have been thinking about you and I want to change. I want you to be my girl for sure and no bs.
J: You’re a good lady. I realized that I want you to have the best and I want to give that you if you let me
Me: I’m tired of lines. I just don’t need this. I can’t take hearing you say; again, you seriously want me. I’ve come to the point that I just don’t want a relationship. I gave up. I mean if you tried, your really, tried because you wanted me you would not have waited this long.J: Can you come over so we can talk? I promise just talk.
J: I want to do right by you. Can we just talk in person? Just give me 15min.
Me (over phone): You can talk to me this way. I’m not coming in person.
J: You don’t want a relationship with me
Me: No. I gave up on us J. I got tired of being hurt by you more that once.
J: I only did it once.
Me: It was three times. I know. When you getting you’re a** kicked you know how many times it’s getting kicked. When you’re on the giving end it’s easy for you to forget.
J: I just want to start over
Me: I just don’t want to. I don’t care anymore. I mean again why you did wait so long. If you want something you fight for it. I mean you promised me when you came back you’d change. you came back and it was the same sh** all over again. You didn’t even try with me. You just went back to treating me the same. You treated me as if I had to fight to win you back like it was my job to show you I cared. That wasn’t the case. You were supposed to be fighting for me showing me I needed to stay and you let me leave. This wasn’t fair.
J: I guess. I wanted to give you time. I know why you get mad you need time.
Me: I didn’t need time I need you to be different.
J: whatever
Me: What do you want me to say J?! I mean that I want to try again, that I will run into your arms and it’s going to be okay. No, I can’t say that. I don’t want a relationship and you’re unwilling to try. I’m done (hang up)
J (calling back): Did you hang up on me?
Me: Yes, because we were done. What more could be said. I mean honestly I am leaving in 7 months. I can’t not give you a relationship because of that. Thanks for texing and I wish you the best. Good night (hang up)
What is this the let’s trying again? I swear when I give up and throw in the towel. All the people who should have cared about me before come into the picture. They want to try again, they want to be the man they could not of been, and now realize I was right all along. It’s frustrating to open wounds that were closed because he decided he wants to be Mr. Right. It’s wrong and unfair to put someone through this. I woke up depressed and evaluating myself. I wondered what’s wrong with me that he couldn’t get it right the first three times, matter of fact the first time. I feel like the kid being picked last for the kick ball team. I know I have great talent and every time kickball is played the team I’m on is shocked that I can play but each time a game is started I’m still picked last. This is a defeate3d feeling and I hate it. I moved on I grew from the circumstances and now here I am dealing with what I thought was done in my mind. Now I see I really never healed I just compressed the issue and put it on the back burner. Now, I need to deal with my feeling and I don’t want to. It’s so difficult and I hate crying because that’s what I’ll do. Plus I'm scared to dig that deep because I really don’t trust anyone that much to help dig me out. To sit and watch me completely break down and have to rebuild. It’s a nothing feeling I don’t like to have. Being vulnerable and emotional in front of other people. Yet coping alone is worse now that I know better. Yet trusting people is really hard when I keep getting hurt. I know deep down in side what I said to him was right and fair .But to let go of a person I really wanted to be with is hard. Then to top it off with seeing a familiar pattern is driving me crazy.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Direct approch, not working
M: Come on now baby how me and you going to get some where if we can be for each other
M: I should not have to twist your arm for you to tell something heavy on your mind
Me: I’m not asking you to twist my arm. When I am ready to talk I’ll talk. I said that I can not talk to you now because I am at work but you didn’t read that and kept on texting what you wanted to.
M: And I’m sick of waiting for you to get ready to do something to bring us closer.
Me: You know what, if you respected or understood me then you have made your decision by your comment. I am not going to jump to what you want when I have clearly explained previously my stance. You want what I can not at this point give. Yet you push it’s driving me crazy. you’re a good person and if my timing was right Id say yes but im not going to appease your needs because you say what you believe you are and I am supposed to run into your arms and believe it’s going to be ok. No I do not operate let that any more. I’ve learned that running before assessing the weather causes issues for both people. I’d rather worth through my sh** and be a better person for whom ever I marry because dating the way I have been for the last 6 years isn’t working. I have begun to recognize the start the middle and the ending because I have been constantly going through it. Every 1 has lines and as sincere as they appear to be I must pray and wait on God. Since He hasn’t told me to move so I stand. Look what ever you see in me is nice and I need to first believe in you and 2 believe your words.
M: Well what do you want me to tell you? Sounds like your only thinking about yourself, what about my needs as a man who is trying to be your man.
Me: I mean who I to think about am. I am single there are two things to think about me and God. Your asking me to buy a car with out researching it, driving it , making sure it fits into my budget, making sure I want to drive it five years from now and ect. Come on, this same principal applies to a potential mate. If you can not understand my stance, fine. I see your point and I empathize with you but I will not change my mind.
M: You are tripping and will be waiting forever. I am a strong man but not that strong
Me: That’s what you believe and to prevent torturing you and hearing these remarks on a constant basis I don’t what you talking to me. Strength is consistent no matter what.
M: No its not you are going off your pass relationships
M: Well I don’t know what to tell you. Im a good man and I want to be good to you but it’s tiring to make you see that.
Me: I never said you were a bad person and I told you have hang ups. Well again let me give you your rest by giving you the freedom to pursue a woman who can give you what it is you need/want.
M: I need you in every way
M: I need bay cant you understand that
M: No problem but I don’t need you to give me anything you’re tripping
Me: Apparently I do because you fail to even empathize with my stance and grow patience and
when you claimed that you did it was a façade. Why, because here we are again having a conversation you told me you were going to give me patience on. You’ve proved my point exactly. I understand you have needs but to ask a person who has hang ups to jump into something is crazy. You see, you want, and you think you must have now, yet when I have been trying to tell you logically why you can’t pursue and to wait an issue arises because you’re a man who has needs. Can’t you see beyond your needs enough to know that to get product you have to wait for the right season for it to grow. That means while you’re waiting you need to nurture and mature that produce tree. Nope you won’t because you see with short vision and that will not acquire anything till you do. I needed to tell you to move on because you will not understand me as you claim you have been.
M: no I can’t
M: From you
M: I already have
I can see from my own side that maybe M has a valid point. I have also gained a sense of insight to the root of my problems, yet I refuse to take the blame on this one. Before I dive into this let me trail back to what happened here. We meet on an online community and exchanged yahoo msgr id’s. M seemed like a nice person with cool qualities until he let his “right now” emotions take the best of him. I guess he assumed that because my profile included what I was looking for (mind you it was not the right now but in the future) he assumed that I was looking for a relationship. In my profile I never implied that I needed to be with anyone (even though deep down inside I do), because I knew I was not ready. From the first conversation it clear we were going to be friends. I express why, he pushed for more. They type of conversation for that last week has become our “dance”. The more he brought it up the more of a broken record I have been come. It has come to the point that his text message, calls, and im’s are annoying me. Mind you I have told him this has started to bother me and to stop but has it, nope. So this am I get a hello how are you text. I tell him I have been thinking and this is the rest of the story. Even after it ends he’s back trying again. Now I am stuck trying to get rid of him. yeah I know the typical ignore method doesn’t work for me because I hate being ignored and can not bring myself to do it to someone else. Gosh can some people take a direct approach.
M: I should not have to twist your arm for you to tell something heavy on your mind
Me: I’m not asking you to twist my arm. When I am ready to talk I’ll talk. I said that I can not talk to you now because I am at work but you didn’t read that and kept on texting what you wanted to.
M: And I’m sick of waiting for you to get ready to do something to bring us closer.
Me: You know what, if you respected or understood me then you have made your decision by your comment. I am not going to jump to what you want when I have clearly explained previously my stance. You want what I can not at this point give. Yet you push it’s driving me crazy. you’re a good person and if my timing was right Id say yes but im not going to appease your needs because you say what you believe you are and I am supposed to run into your arms and believe it’s going to be ok. No I do not operate let that any more. I’ve learned that running before assessing the weather causes issues for both people. I’d rather worth through my sh** and be a better person for whom ever I marry because dating the way I have been for the last 6 years isn’t working. I have begun to recognize the start the middle and the ending because I have been constantly going through it. Every 1 has lines and as sincere as they appear to be I must pray and wait on God. Since He hasn’t told me to move so I stand. Look what ever you see in me is nice and I need to first believe in you and 2 believe your words.
M: Well what do you want me to tell you? Sounds like your only thinking about yourself, what about my needs as a man who is trying to be your man.
Me: I mean who I to think about am. I am single there are two things to think about me and God. Your asking me to buy a car with out researching it, driving it , making sure it fits into my budget, making sure I want to drive it five years from now and ect. Come on, this same principal applies to a potential mate. If you can not understand my stance, fine. I see your point and I empathize with you but I will not change my mind.
M: You are tripping and will be waiting forever. I am a strong man but not that strong
Me: That’s what you believe and to prevent torturing you and hearing these remarks on a constant basis I don’t what you talking to me. Strength is consistent no matter what.
M: No its not you are going off your pass relationships
M: Well I don’t know what to tell you. Im a good man and I want to be good to you but it’s tiring to make you see that.
Me: I never said you were a bad person and I told you have hang ups. Well again let me give you your rest by giving you the freedom to pursue a woman who can give you what it is you need/want.
M: I need you in every way
M: I need bay cant you understand that
M: No problem but I don’t need you to give me anything you’re tripping
Me: Apparently I do because you fail to even empathize with my stance and grow patience and
when you claimed that you did it was a façade. Why, because here we are again having a conversation you told me you were going to give me patience on. You’ve proved my point exactly. I understand you have needs but to ask a person who has hang ups to jump into something is crazy. You see, you want, and you think you must have now, yet when I have been trying to tell you logically why you can’t pursue and to wait an issue arises because you’re a man who has needs. Can’t you see beyond your needs enough to know that to get product you have to wait for the right season for it to grow. That means while you’re waiting you need to nurture and mature that produce tree. Nope you won’t because you see with short vision and that will not acquire anything till you do. I needed to tell you to move on because you will not understand me as you claim you have been.
M: no I can’t
M: From you
M: I already have
I can see from my own side that maybe M has a valid point. I have also gained a sense of insight to the root of my problems, yet I refuse to take the blame on this one. Before I dive into this let me trail back to what happened here. We meet on an online community and exchanged yahoo msgr id’s. M seemed like a nice person with cool qualities until he let his “right now” emotions take the best of him. I guess he assumed that because my profile included what I was looking for (mind you it was not the right now but in the future) he assumed that I was looking for a relationship. In my profile I never implied that I needed to be with anyone (even though deep down inside I do), because I knew I was not ready. From the first conversation it clear we were going to be friends. I express why, he pushed for more. They type of conversation for that last week has become our “dance”. The more he brought it up the more of a broken record I have been come. It has come to the point that his text message, calls, and im’s are annoying me. Mind you I have told him this has started to bother me and to stop but has it, nope. So this am I get a hello how are you text. I tell him I have been thinking and this is the rest of the story. Even after it ends he’s back trying again. Now I am stuck trying to get rid of him. yeah I know the typical ignore method doesn’t work for me because I hate being ignored and can not bring myself to do it to someone else. Gosh can some people take a direct approach.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Here I go again
I look of life occasionally and replay large moments in my life. I analyze why, how, what, who, when, and try to understand myself in those moments. Sometimes I may beat myself up for what I’ve done but when it’s all over I learn something new about myself. I see myself in a different perspective and I move on from it. Not everyday of my waking life am I looking in the past to live in my past or recreate my past but to figure out how to make me a better me. I mainly do this when I see my self repeating a pattern I thought I had given up. I have been , honestly, I don’t know what the hell to call what I’ve been doing but I wills ay I have been distracted. I started talking to S for about a month now, here in lies the distraction, and I feel that I am becoming displaced. I am becoming comfortable in my past which is my present. I know we are not compatible, okay unless he grows some personally heh maybe and we see the world completely different. I’m an emotional tell all talker and he is quiet annoying non communicative and aloof. Okay I’m being unfair by portraying myself as better than him it’s just that right now he is driving me crazy and the negative stuff is coming out( o I could have said more but I’m not going to). Really, he’s a sweet guy and shows his self very differently to what I am accustomed to. I’m used to open communication and discussing issues (mainly mine) till we have a common ground but with S it is not like that. If I don’t bring it up we will never ever never ever talk about it .This frustrates me because I need to know before circumstance become unbearable. I mean why live, life holding onto crap that can be released. Think about it the only reason people hold on to crap is fear of rejection, to feel so open, to have loss of control and not know how the recipient of the info will react to your info.
Well bull because the same thing can happen if you say nothing, ironic huh. I had to learn that lesson the hard way and it’s nothing to write home abut. Any who before I started talking to S again, yes, I restarted us talking. Why I am still trying to understand. I think it was me being sick of being alone and he responded back. Aurgh... I have now learned I can not do the alone thing for very long. It’s hard (I know who said life was easier but then gain who said it had to be so hard.) I really became a loaner. I was into my spirituality, music, art, and sound then after this was done it was me. Me alone is ok for short periods but for months on end. O just shoot me. So of course I jumped on the talk to S for a short time bandwagon. Now I can’t pull myself out. I am seeing my much focused life become pulled between being there for him and being there for me (God too). The sad part is I like him but I really don’t love him anymore. I like having a person near by but I want it on my terms. I hang out with him and my body is there but my mind is not. It’s like being depressed. You know you’re depressed but you cant nor will you pull yourself out because in a way things make way more sense in a depressed hole than it does in the life outside of it. Am I comparing my current situation to a depressed hole, naw, but it shows how wanting to be paid attention to (no I don’t need to be love I need attention) can drive a person to get out of sticky situation. I don’t want him as a lover more like a friend I can hug twice a day (ah a teddy bear a live one hahaha) but all the shit that comes with it is driving me crazy.
So here I am a contradiction to my own advice of not holding on to stuff and letting it go.
Well bull because the same thing can happen if you say nothing, ironic huh. I had to learn that lesson the hard way and it’s nothing to write home abut. Any who before I started talking to S again, yes, I restarted us talking. Why I am still trying to understand. I think it was me being sick of being alone and he responded back. Aurgh... I have now learned I can not do the alone thing for very long. It’s hard (I know who said life was easier but then gain who said it had to be so hard.) I really became a loaner. I was into my spirituality, music, art, and sound then after this was done it was me. Me alone is ok for short periods but for months on end. O just shoot me. So of course I jumped on the talk to S for a short time bandwagon. Now I can’t pull myself out. I am seeing my much focused life become pulled between being there for him and being there for me (God too). The sad part is I like him but I really don’t love him anymore. I like having a person near by but I want it on my terms. I hang out with him and my body is there but my mind is not. It’s like being depressed. You know you’re depressed but you cant nor will you pull yourself out because in a way things make way more sense in a depressed hole than it does in the life outside of it. Am I comparing my current situation to a depressed hole, naw, but it shows how wanting to be paid attention to (no I don’t need to be love I need attention) can drive a person to get out of sticky situation. I don’t want him as a lover more like a friend I can hug twice a day (ah a teddy bear a live one hahaha) but all the shit that comes with it is driving me crazy.
So here I am a contradiction to my own advice of not holding on to stuff and letting it go.
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