How can you scream “I got 5 on it “
When you can’t even pay 5 on that credit card bill
Taking 5
On the rim
The clothes
The look
That isn’t even yours
To feed an addiction
Called spending
Yet that 5 on it
Isn’t going to wards
Retirement
That
I R A
But
No it’s
A T M
Like money
Is going to be there
Forever
Don’t you remember?
Those 40+ hours
You put in to
Get that 5
And here you are
Blowing it on
Materialistic crap
That’s doesn’t even matter
Trying to be the Jones
When the Jones
Are fictional characters
I don’t understand why there are
So many going broke to live a
Lifestyle that isn’t theirs
Cuffing themselves to a
Min payment and 30% interest
Yelling I got 5 on it
What about a financial legacy
Yell about that
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
Stir up
I saw an old “flame" while I was shopping this weekend and some feelings started to stirrup, but I knew I couldn’t go back to him. It's like wanting a huge chocolate chip cookie but knowing it will do bad things to my will power to stay on my eating plan is my chocolate chip cookie. I can’t have him because of the drama he brings with him but he's ooo so good.
What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.
That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.
Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.
This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?
These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.
What I mean by this is that he is a decent person and we have really good sex, but he has these issues with staying faithful and communication.
That's why we stopped dating because J could not be completely open with me nor could he remain faithful. Don't get me wrong I did not take his crap continuously, I gave him two chances and after the second time of the same crap it was hit the road, Jack.
What really hurt me is when we stopped speaking it was that he choose her over me. J gave her one of the two things I wanted from him and that was communication. I don't ask for a man to pour his soul out to me because some things need to be left to his self. I just needed him to have a discussion with me about anything and know that he understands what I am saying, vice-versa. I would talk to him and it would be like talking to a wall. Then when I would ask him why he could not talk to me, he had the nerve to say that is not his style and if he really had something to say he'd say it. Well gosh, that was close to never. I mean we as people live breathe things cause us to think to feel to go humm... and the only thing I get is if I need to say something it will present it's self.
Then again maybe it's me (no this is not taking the blame). I expect people to have a passion to communicate (verbally, preferred) their thoughts. I mean the world has so much and communication in a verbal manor gives a lot of definition. Don’t get me wrong a person could write down what they are feeling but to take the time to look me in the face and say what is on your mind takes more guts that writing it down. However many men I come across are not the same way nor understand this part of communicating most things.
This is not saying that all men can not communicate but that most that I meet can not handle the above that I wrote about. This makes things very frustrating for me. Decent guy with annoying attributes that drive me crazy or single hoping and self respected, aye!
The thoughts that come up in this instant are will I put up with it or move on to that "something better"? That is always the nagging question when figuring out is this man the right man. Because the answer is never right or wrong, this can cause a win or a loss. Gosh "love" is so hard.
Which begs to know, will this round about issues end, can trust prevail all and does forgiveness really, really exist?
The answers are of one that I will have to figure out and make my own reality yet, will it cause a delusion that only I can save myself from?
I know forgiveness is possible to allow the one person that treated me like I was less deserving back in my life is like telling myself I am fat all the time. That is not healthy at all to allow myself to settle because somewhat I'm happy.
I also know being delusional will not solve my problems only magnify them
Trust, humm that's a hard one.
I want to remain somewhat naive believing that there is good in spite of all evil but the older I get the more rigid that thought patter is becoming. How can you believe in a person who can at any time choose to do what they want to with out taking the other person into perspective?
Then again, I know the answer to that one because I have done it myself... but when the tables are turned oo it sucks, huh?
These thoughts will end and life will resume to normal. I will forget I had these feeling and may end up with the right guy to give them to but to have a stirrup of feeling I thought were becoming repressed as a single girl is hope that I am alive in here.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Ultimate male experience
I'm well endowed and seeking a
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.
Deserving woman who is looking for no string attached
A freaky lady I may add
I am mobile and employed
I promise
You won't be disappointed
I know
That I can give you all you need because
I know what you’re looking for in a man
O
You do
Since when is being well endowed
The qualifications for an ultimate man
Since we’re on the subject well endowed
How, when and where
Please tell me what you mean by “well endowed”
And what benefit is that to a relationship with me
Couldn’t you come on to me with a better line than that?
Thought my dear will take you far
O
I’m glad you have a job and so do I
My father always taught me to do for yourself is better
Than depending on others
That when you do depend on others sooner or later
Others
Will want from you
Wow
You’re mobile
Guess what
So am I
It cost me 49.99 a month with 1000 min
O
You mean you have a car
O
Whoopee for you
O
Don’t tell me that’s all you’re coming to the table with is a dick and a car
Or maybe a dick and a cell phone
Or a over size ego and a mobile home
See what happens when your words are vague and full of jargon
The meaning are endless and the understanding gone
O Hun
I am disappointed
That this all you have to offer me
Things I can get on my own
You actually thought on your own
That this was the way to get to me
By calling your self the ultimate male experience
That sex, a toy, money, and your ego
Was going to make me jump
In to your arms and in your bed
That’s not what I want
I need more than what you think your offering me
Go back and talk to the men of the past
And ask yourself
What happened to opening the door?
Putting thoughts into your words
Articulating what you mean
And standing behind what you say
Then think
If all I am to you a face and an ass
Waiting to spend you money and sit in your car
To moan you name for a few seconds
The you really don’t know what I want in a man
When you know yourself and not the
Superficial crap that you think you know
Come back and tell me what the ultimate male
Really has to offer.
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
GIVER
I try hard to obtain what I want, yet it appears as if I am trying to hard. I don't know what it is when I try to keep people close and show that I am good person it's taken as if I am trying to breathe the same air they are. Then when I step back and give space it seems like I don't care at all. The attempt in understanding that maybe it's me and maybe it's me is hard but is not the focus of my life. I say this because kindness is not something I have to give but I do because it is who I am.
So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.
I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.
That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .
So do I give in to care or not to care? Yet in the end it is up to me ,yes, however I am not condoned to live in the shadow of what others want from me but what I know works for me. Does that leave me wondering why I feel alone when I have a few so close? At times ,yea, because I want those same feeling reciprocated but I know the magnitude of what I do for other people is not going to be given back all of the time.( Which makes me feel bad and start to kick people out of my life that I feel do not appreciate what I have done) I never understood a taker. I mean just take from another person for their own personal benefit and not for one moment try to place themselves in the giver's shoes. Then again why should I add the stress of trying to understand someone else’s mind when I have a lot of my own thoughts to understand.
All in all I feel that being who I am at this moment is the best way to live my life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong there is a Work in Progress sign of a few things but over all I am becoming comfortable in who I am.
I thought of this acronym: Give In Validation Every Right. That means: give in when you are right, give in without being validated, give in when the plan is not what it is supposed to be, giving in when the wants are there but the need over takes. This does not mean become a doorstep to every one and every thing in life, but not to focus on why, or who, or how come, basically the controlling question that cause a person not to become a GIVER . Just know that you are doing what is a part of who you are and in the end, let go of the entire hang up that life has. This can prevent each person from living.
That is start of who I am right now, I will continuo to do what I think is right to me and not sit and wonder what did I do to deserve what ever form of treatment that has come my way. I know that I am a giver and that is what is me. To know when it's all said and done, those that come and go out of my life will have the blessing that is me .
Monday, April 03, 2006
Let known
If I were to stop allowing you in
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were
would you attempt a show for your desire in me
Or
Would you take the easy way and give in
Or
Would you communicate that playing games isn’t an answer
Yet
this game is the only way to prevent vocalizing my thought out loud
Could you understand if I were to
Open up the vulnerability deep inside.
Who
Wants to be that open
Standing before love
With uncovered emotions That are
Naked
Desperate
Inquisitive
alone
When
I don’t know how you really feel
Yet all that is known are
Isolation
Par linguistic cues
Silence
Avoidance
Deviation
This unknown feeling
Is like being slapped across my warm face
Unknown is like a cool hand
Across my warm check
Every finger and thumb pressing upon
supple skin
leaving only being a sting
where once before was a cool hand
My mind is like that skin it does not know where the pain comes from
Only feels the sting and sees the impression of where you once were
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Apologies...
Sorry I have not been posting as much just between work and school I really don't have a lot of time to write like I need to.Hopefully after midterms,I should have should be back to some kind of schedule?!
Take care and I hope all is well with each of you
Nyk
Take care and I hope all is well with each of you
Nyk
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Morphing Love
Talk to me
Walk with me
In the journey that is call love
Many say love is an abstract notion
Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence
But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract
I know that my thoughts of you
In you
Around you and
Through you is literal
In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love
Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth
This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete
Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?
Who says I have to play the role of the woman
And you play the role of the man
Lets us work together for the greater good
The life we both want to live
Not the roles we are condemned to portray
Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us
From birth till death
Let's create a new movement with
Individualism
Creativity
Objectivity
Open communication
Understanding
And so much more
Please take each hand in an open palm
Fingers interlaced
Skin touching so tenderly
In this walk that is love
Not the new age crap that is running rampant
But an old school respect and view of love
Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love
Walk with me
In the journey that is call love
Many say love is an abstract notion
Not to be believed in without the concrete evidence
But who is to say that love is not concrete and touch is abstract
I know that my thoughts of you
In you
Around you and
Through you is literal
In the sense that the connotation of my words denote what I truly mean with all of the tactile feelings that are conjured up by love
Don't fall into the fallacies of others beliefs but instead what we know is the truth
This continual thinking will make the abstract more and more concrete
Who says that love has to follow the idealistic view imposed on us?
Who says I have to play the role of the woman
And you play the role of the man
Lets us work together for the greater good
The life we both want to live
Not the roles we are condemned to portray
Isn't there more to life than living the imposed ideas that are forced upon each of us
From birth till death
Let's create a new movement with
Individualism
Creativity
Objectivity
Open communication
Understanding
And so much more
Please take each hand in an open palm
Fingers interlaced
Skin touching so tenderly
In this walk that is love
Not the new age crap that is running rampant
But an old school respect and view of love
Not to romanticize an unrealistic view but to know that these values of true love can occur in morphing view of love
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Flare ups
Am I evil? Is there something wrong with me? Maybe it is karma coming back to haunt me for all of the stupid and some times hurtful things I have done.
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.
After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.
I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?
It seems like when I want to make changes I get a call on my phone from the past. I am starting to accept being single and I hear it at 3am. Ring. Ring. Ring. The words on the other end are from baby to hunny to sugar to any other endearing words then I hear the famous: "Nykki, I'm sorry and I was stupid for treating you the way I did. I want things back to the way they were. Can we try again? I swear this time I've changed." Now mind you this particular male on the average has waited over a year + to call and tell me these flattering words.
Sigh. I don't understand this and I don't think I ever will. I am trying to piece together why an old flame finds the need to call back to rekindle what is not there. Once I have realized the fight of trying to keep him in the first place is gone, I move on. Before I have moved on I tried to put forth an effort to make something happen, to bring hope to a flame that I thought was there. However, when I called or stopped by I was ignored. I was discarded because what was occurring was in his best interest and when I was fighting to keep what I thought we had alive had moved on. Yes, I knew the relationship was of connivance for both of us but the lines became blurred because feelings occurred.
Off of the subject: that is why I am a firm believer now that friends with benefits never work. We as people are creatures of emotions. Yes it is easy to turn them off but once he/she has found emotional ties to the other mate it creates a relationship whether it is wanted or not. It's easy to say you are not the one for me because of time, ect but if you have time to sleep with me and call to see how I am why not add the title. Yes, there are other reasons behind why there was not the commitment. Yet, think are hard on this; t aren't you committing already to the friend with a benefit?
I tell myself to be nice to the person this month that is stopping my sleep and invading my life with the random calls. I know it is a phase and he will move on to just be kind because he needs to clear his mind for the wrong in the past. I know each person needs to feel justified in their mind but its not going to take away what was taken for granted.
Now mind you I am not sitting here saying I am the best thing since water came in bottles but I know I am a good person with underlining and pain in the neck qualities. Yet why is that it takes him after the fact to recognize this. Why are you coming back to me and expecting me to go back to what it was?
I tell most this: You know darn full well there is no true old school relationship occurring here. It is just you have no one to call to sleep with you and you think I am naive enough to say yes. After hearing this some are persistent and others after a coupe of calls just stop. After a while all stop.
After the Ring. Ring. Ring is gone I am left with a hurting heart. It was nice to hear the words being told to me because I am not currently hearing them. But I am left to hurt the knowing thought, wow after you leave me you come back to revert to just sex. You use my emotions to get what you want and when I don't give in to it you move on.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I doomed to have this happen for the rest of my days? I know the right one is there but the sh** that I'm wadding thought till then is enough to make a girl become cold.
I really need to change my number every year to eliminate this from happening , eh?
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
A little more than a week later...
Just to let everyone know I am slowly getting over my rut of mixed emotions. Honestly I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but I am going to manage how I am feeing by focusing on my health. Plus I have been letting go of people, adittudes, and financial issues that I felt were a burden to my life. I guess it is just an unexplainable feeling that comes and go but I can not allow that feeling to consume me.
Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..
Thanks for your concern and thoughtful advice. ..
A Thought On Rual American Thinking
Why is that people who live in a small suburban area or parts of the country that are densely populated think that evil will never prevail them?
I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.
It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?
What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.
The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?
I am going to attempt to give an answer. I think people live in the area of dense population do so with a false sense of security. That is human nature to think that once a person is away from somewhere that is considered dangerous and they are now somewhere presumably safe they no longer have to fear crime. Believing in a false sense of security can leave any person vulnerable. I mean is there really a perfect city that we can all escape crime and other cultures? Not really because it is everywhere but just presented differently.
It is sad when people can not live in an urban area and enjoy the life they have. I don't like what I see around me so I work with others who are like minded so that we can find solutions or ways to eradicate the issue. On the other hand I have noticed so many people living in these real areas are the most outspoken people against change coming into the area or making sure the city they have is a certain way. Yet, when there are issues that are prevalent these same people seemingly have no voice. I wonder is the issues of putting up a cell tower in your small city so much more important than finding a way to curb homelessness in our cities?
What caused me to start thinking about this mentality was because of a new story that was on the TV a few weeks ago on the public transpiration system coming into a non urban area. The news report wanted to know the view point of the shop owners since the start of "other people" coming into the city of old Folsom. Most of the shop owners complained of theft and suspicious people hanging around the area. I became a little upset because these people were acting as if every person who came into the city via mass transit were criminals. I understand that before the system came into the area there was a little less crime but to act as if there was no crime until mass transit came into the area is unjust.
The whole feeling towards the urban life meeting rural is like oil and water trying to mix. Due to the fact that most forget that there are bad people no matter where they go and those that run to the rural areas think that they are going to make the utopia of their dreams. I mean with the rate of population, is there really is going to be a rural area?
Saturday, February 11, 2006
confuseddumfounderandotherstuff
Lately, I can not finish what I have started in my life. For example, I was so hyped to start the drastic changes I needed to make in my life. Now it's like I just don't care anymore, as if I don’t want to try to put forth an effort to do anything. As odd and crazy as that sound, the kicker here is that I don't know why. I wonder if others felt the way I do now. I mean feeling as if the true self, who you really are, is fighting to get out but only to be suppressed down each time. You can see yourself but you are not within yourself. I guess this reminds me of something an old friend of mine said when she was trying to loose weight. At the time I found the comment funny, I am now looking back at that moment and kind of understanding what truth it rings. "I am living in a body that I am not made for and she's fighting to get out of the fat." I feel that each day I live is not the life that I am supposed to be living as if everything around me is surreal. I want to get out of this rut I feel (or even if it is feel).I am trying to understand why I am in the unknown state but it's like a record with a lump in it. The record keep going around and everything seems to flow but I hit that bump and for a moment I'm wondering what’s going on. Now, some call this depression and I have been depressed before however this feeling I have is nothing like being depressed. I guess I can call it acting with a costume. I have no issues keeping up with doing for other but I am unresponsive with myself. I smile when I want to scream and I scream when I want to cry.
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how
This hurts to know what I'm capable of but I don’t know how to get it out (or even care). Yep that’s right I don’t care. I never knew what it was to not care. I mean I've said it but to actually have these words become applicable to my life is indescribable. For now I'm going through the motions (whatever that is), yet I want to get out of this and go back to some sense of normality but...how
Sunday, January 29, 2006
New title of blog
I changed the name from Girliedy to Musing of Herself and the World Around Her. I think the new one somewhat captures what I'm doing here. Please give your feedback on the new change.
How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me
Blessings
How are we as people to change with out feedback? So for possible changes to occur leave yours with me
Blessings
Friday, January 27, 2006
Smoking is bad for our air
I was watching the new yesterday and they were reporting about second hand smoke in CA, Basically the California Air Resources Board had announced "second-hand smoke as a toxic air contaminant that can cause or contribute to illness or death".
Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?
Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?
The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.
It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.
Two things as a shocker hearing this was
1) California is the first state to make the distinction.
2) What are they going to do with smokers in the distant future?
Personally, I am not a smoker. So, I was a little glad to hear that the state was stating second-hand smoke is toxic to the air around us. I'm allergic to smoke so when I walk out side and people are right in front of the door or close to my breathing area smoking it hurts. But placing my personal feelings aside, are not cars toxic to the air as well. So if the state is going to hit the smokers with the book to quit or be label as killers of the earth should we not fix more current issues?
The news report stated,"The ARB will look at what measures are already in place, analyze the options, and the costs associated with toughened controls on second-hand smoke”. Which in a way answers my question, but I know to do all of the controls will take about 8-10 years to put into effect. This equates more money that that the state will have to come up with to regulate this toxin, personally, could be put to better uses in the state. Now with that said, I am a huge let's protect the earth's natural resources but, who is going to foot this bill to eliminate smokers. This whole persecution is similar to prohibition, will causing tougher regulations on smokers cause a backlash. More than likely yep.
It is a nice idea to label cigarette smoke as harmful and I am glad they did but looking at it logically California Air Recourses Board could have put their time and effort into something more better like, automobiles and factories and how to make tougher regulations against them. These are our higher contributors to the issue of poor air quality. I dislike smoking but I’m not going to create a cross and pin them up for their addition, unless, it is harming children because they have no say in the air they breathe in a car or a home.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
The last few days I have been thinking about
the work that I am doing for a paycheck. I have come to realize that I loathe people and working. Yes, that's right, loathe.
Why?!
It is that I have been doing servant type jobs since I was 15 years old. No, not a maid or food industry work but child care and customer service, which I believe is way harder than most jobs out there.
Let's start with my first job, childcare.
I started the job as a teacher's aid at the ripe 'ol age of 15. I mean, I was a kid myself and there I was telling other kids to listen and behave for my approval/attention. Moronic, yep.
How did I get this job?
Well, my dad knew the dean at a private Christian school and was able to get me the job. Now, he did not do this because I begged and pleaded to work. Hell no! He did this to relieve the burden of having less work providing for 3 kids and what is the easiest solution. Send his oldest child to work for her own stuff. Don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to work because I wanted to have what my family could not afford so I took to working like going to the doctor to get a check up , you kind of have to go.
Deep down I did not want to work. I wanted to be involved with other teens that were doing after school stuff but, I knew I had responsibilities and wants/needs which were not going to be left in my lap because I deserved it. I had to go and work for it. Honestly, I am a slacker yet I do what I need to do no more or less, unless, I am truly in love with what I am doing then I am passionate, driven, and obsessive about the task.
A personal note: I hate working for another person. I work and then when I have the fruits of my labor in my hand I have to give it away to another person. This work and billing scam going on is great. I swear you give 8+ hours of life away to give more than 1/2 to the government, give more than another 1/4 to bills and hope there is something left for yourself(this rant is for the money challenged).
Ok but back on subject.
I hated/loved those kids but the parent’s gosher the parents. They drove me up a wall with their inability to see or understand that their child was the spawn of the devil. During this time I had to be nice and calm. I had to place my self out of the daily interactions, basically shove being honest and forthright out of the window. If I wanted to say what was truly on my mind I would have to say what I really meant in a kind, considerate, monotone manor to appease the paying parent.
After I graduated from high school I keep right on working
This was a cashier at a photocopying store. While I was there I was nice and polite. I worked well with others but sometimes my kind nature by my co-workers was taken advantage of. Any case that was a breeze compared to dealing with unhappy customer who wanted to use me as the sounding board of their frustrations, anger, or just plan evilness. At times what I really wanted to say was;"Hey look! Does is it say printing specialist on my tag? No it does not. Then why are you bitching at me?" Instead I would have to smile, apologize, and then remain calm so that I could explain to the best of my abilities what was wrong and what I could do. More stuffing the truth down my throat.
Moving on to the next job which was customer service over the phone for an online travel agency.
This was my gate way to realize how dumb and rude people are over the phone. It also gave meaning to George Orwell's description of "Big Brother Is Watching" complex that many large corporations have.
I came to understand that when you work with another person over the phone they feel they are ambiguous enough to say and act as they please. But yet again I have to push aside how I really wanted to respond to the situation with the customers to appease the corporate heads.
I left that job and for 4 months out of my working history I was not working per say. I still had to look for work which is just like working.
Then I got work again of all places another customer service job.
O God the insanity. Again customers and corporations are horrid. (That is the nicest word I could use so, I'll stick to that.)
Being in customer service is the battle of the mind. It is mentally draining which causes physical fatigue. Having to adhere to a clock, to a specific schedule as to how much time on and off the phone.
Being in childcare is the battle of the body and mind. It is mentally draining to deal with another person's child. Having to speak in a manor not to offend the child, to deal with the parent with child gloves, and not strangle the child in the mean times.
People ask where the customer service is.
People ask where good child care is.
I ask: How can people demand top notch service and treat the people servicing them inhumane?
I know we all pay for service and demand the level of service biased on payment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some great people I have worked for but they are an exception to the mass growing of abuse on people who have to service a paying public. On the other hand people feel they have the right to treat the person they called in for help like trash. As if the person they are talking to is beneath them.
I am not beneath no person yet I take the abuse. Many people in my job title take this abuse and have pretty high esteem but when each person has bills to pay and the career of their dreams is not obtainable the meantime jobs pay the bill. We have been trained to not take the abuse personally, yet how can you tell a person who is being personally assaulted not to take it personally. To smile remain calm be polite don’t yell don’t respond back to the customer in the manor they are treating you. Ah the canned robotic response to frustrated customers, I'm sorry ma'm/sir to hear your situation but there are no other options available.
The paying public has such high expectations they want met yet people forget other people have to meet those unrealistic goals.
Let me go through a CSR's call
Log in take a call
Follow company protocol for the call
Great the customer
Tell them you're happy they called
Up sale
Wrap up/recap
Thank for business and time
Note the account
Hang up
Next call
All calls are to be with in 2-3.5 minutes can not keep the customer's waiting.
That is a simple call. That is the basic of all call the company wants all calls to go like this.
I could go into more of the politics of CSR but this is not why I wrote this.
I am thankful I am not in a job right now that is as stressful as my last jobs yet it is mundane. I hate routine. I need variety and I'm not getting it here. I like my job currently in medial customer service /medical sales support but I loathe dealing with people because I have been doing this for so long. I am burned out. I feel myself going to work and go through the motion but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to focus on finishing school and enjoy life around me for once. I don't want to be responsible and captious. I want to know what it is like to be young just for a few moments. To have a carefree moment for once with out having to think of rent, utilities, savings, groceries, insurance, medical, retirement, ect. I know I won’t have that luxury. Having to deal with the demands of other people and not being able to voice what I want to really say is taking its toll. To have your voice stiffen because whom you're speaking with basically pays your bills is wrong. Just because you pay my bills doesn’t equate that you treat me with out respect. I give respect but I am not donning to feel like people should be shot. Ah.... being an adult as they call this is hard. Then again who said life is easy. I am looking for a way to have a positive outlook on working but since I’m a college student and I for a while what a bad budgeter I have to wait till I save up enough money to stop working for 2 years which will take me 3 years to do. I just want a break,to breathe.I've been hyper ventalling for so long,my mind and body are slowly passing out. I know I will inhale soon :)
Why?!
It is that I have been doing servant type jobs since I was 15 years old. No, not a maid or food industry work but child care and customer service, which I believe is way harder than most jobs out there.
Let's start with my first job, childcare.
I started the job as a teacher's aid at the ripe 'ol age of 15. I mean, I was a kid myself and there I was telling other kids to listen and behave for my approval/attention. Moronic, yep.
How did I get this job?
Well, my dad knew the dean at a private Christian school and was able to get me the job. Now, he did not do this because I begged and pleaded to work. Hell no! He did this to relieve the burden of having less work providing for 3 kids and what is the easiest solution. Send his oldest child to work for her own stuff. Don't get me wrong, I knew I needed to work because I wanted to have what my family could not afford so I took to working like going to the doctor to get a check up , you kind of have to go.
Deep down I did not want to work. I wanted to be involved with other teens that were doing after school stuff but, I knew I had responsibilities and wants/needs which were not going to be left in my lap because I deserved it. I had to go and work for it. Honestly, I am a slacker yet I do what I need to do no more or less, unless, I am truly in love with what I am doing then I am passionate, driven, and obsessive about the task.
A personal note: I hate working for another person. I work and then when I have the fruits of my labor in my hand I have to give it away to another person. This work and billing scam going on is great. I swear you give 8+ hours of life away to give more than 1/2 to the government, give more than another 1/4 to bills and hope there is something left for yourself(this rant is for the money challenged).
Ok but back on subject.
I hated/loved those kids but the parent’s gosher the parents. They drove me up a wall with their inability to see or understand that their child was the spawn of the devil. During this time I had to be nice and calm. I had to place my self out of the daily interactions, basically shove being honest and forthright out of the window. If I wanted to say what was truly on my mind I would have to say what I really meant in a kind, considerate, monotone manor to appease the paying parent.
After I graduated from high school I keep right on working
This was a cashier at a photocopying store. While I was there I was nice and polite. I worked well with others but sometimes my kind nature by my co-workers was taken advantage of. Any case that was a breeze compared to dealing with unhappy customer who wanted to use me as the sounding board of their frustrations, anger, or just plan evilness. At times what I really wanted to say was;"Hey look! Does is it say printing specialist on my tag? No it does not. Then why are you bitching at me?" Instead I would have to smile, apologize, and then remain calm so that I could explain to the best of my abilities what was wrong and what I could do. More stuffing the truth down my throat.
Moving on to the next job which was customer service over the phone for an online travel agency.
This was my gate way to realize how dumb and rude people are over the phone. It also gave meaning to George Orwell's description of "Big Brother Is Watching" complex that many large corporations have.
I came to understand that when you work with another person over the phone they feel they are ambiguous enough to say and act as they please. But yet again I have to push aside how I really wanted to respond to the situation with the customers to appease the corporate heads.
I left that job and for 4 months out of my working history I was not working per say. I still had to look for work which is just like working.
Then I got work again of all places another customer service job.
O God the insanity. Again customers and corporations are horrid. (That is the nicest word I could use so, I'll stick to that.)
Being in customer service is the battle of the mind. It is mentally draining which causes physical fatigue. Having to adhere to a clock, to a specific schedule as to how much time on and off the phone.
Being in childcare is the battle of the body and mind. It is mentally draining to deal with another person's child. Having to speak in a manor not to offend the child, to deal with the parent with child gloves, and not strangle the child in the mean times.
People ask where the customer service is.
People ask where good child care is.
I ask: How can people demand top notch service and treat the people servicing them inhumane?
I know we all pay for service and demand the level of service biased on payment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some great people I have worked for but they are an exception to the mass growing of abuse on people who have to service a paying public. On the other hand people feel they have the right to treat the person they called in for help like trash. As if the person they are talking to is beneath them.
I am not beneath no person yet I take the abuse. Many people in my job title take this abuse and have pretty high esteem but when each person has bills to pay and the career of their dreams is not obtainable the meantime jobs pay the bill. We have been trained to not take the abuse personally, yet how can you tell a person who is being personally assaulted not to take it personally. To smile remain calm be polite don’t yell don’t respond back to the customer in the manor they are treating you. Ah the canned robotic response to frustrated customers, I'm sorry ma'm/sir to hear your situation but there are no other options available.
The paying public has such high expectations they want met yet people forget other people have to meet those unrealistic goals.
Let me go through a CSR's call
Log in take a call
Follow company protocol for the call
Great the customer
Tell them you're happy they called
Up sale
Wrap up/recap
Thank for business and time
Note the account
Hang up
Next call
All calls are to be with in 2-3.5 minutes can not keep the customer's waiting.
That is a simple call. That is the basic of all call the company wants all calls to go like this.
I could go into more of the politics of CSR but this is not why I wrote this.
I am thankful I am not in a job right now that is as stressful as my last jobs yet it is mundane. I hate routine. I need variety and I'm not getting it here. I like my job currently in medial customer service /medical sales support but I loathe dealing with people because I have been doing this for so long. I am burned out. I feel myself going to work and go through the motion but I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to focus on finishing school and enjoy life around me for once. I don't want to be responsible and captious. I want to know what it is like to be young just for a few moments. To have a carefree moment for once with out having to think of rent, utilities, savings, groceries, insurance, medical, retirement, ect. I know I won’t have that luxury. Having to deal with the demands of other people and not being able to voice what I want to really say is taking its toll. To have your voice stiffen because whom you're speaking with basically pays your bills is wrong. Just because you pay my bills doesn’t equate that you treat me with out respect. I give respect but I am not donning to feel like people should be shot. Ah.... being an adult as they call this is hard. Then again who said life is easy. I am looking for a way to have a positive outlook on working but since I’m a college student and I for a while what a bad budgeter I have to wait till I save up enough money to stop working for 2 years which will take me 3 years to do. I just want a break,to breathe.I've been hyper ventalling for so long,my mind and body are slowly passing out. I know I will inhale soon :)
Friday, January 20, 2006
Questioning
This is my first questioning session. I guess reading a few fellow blogger out and some questions popped into my mind
Why do people want to get married?
I don’t seem to understand what is with the deal with marriage. I should not have to show a bunch a people that I am willing to become committed through an over/under priced ceremony. Once the person and I have made a promise to each other, then we have the same values of a marriage.
Religiously, yes marriage is to show a man and a woman’s commitment to each other before God. But when did it become a relationship’s rite of passage?
I once asked a male friend why he should get married.
He responded,” To remain faithful to one woman and only be with her. Because she is the source of everything am to need, want, protect and desire this woman for the rest of my life.”
My response was: Isn’t that what you are doing when you are dating a woman for a long period of time. Why is that you have to go through a ceremony to get a piece of paper to confirm what your relationship is already biased on?”
I have noticed that more and more people in “long term” relationships feel the need to impel themselves into marriage, as if seemingly, a couple that does not get married their relationship has no validity. My thing is don’t make more out of a relationship than there already is with a force commitment that should come naturally.
Why is media so canned?
I, yes, watch AI on Tuesday night to see what the season was going to be about and snickered at the failed attempts at carbon copy stardom. The whole time I am watching I wondered: where is the creativity, the struggle, and the effort of being a true artist? It seems that the artist that deserve the recognition are pushed to the back and we the reverer’s of art succumb to digging in the pile of muck to get what we really want , human incentives. Now, I used AI as an example but the news, book, movie, dance, art, and theater basically all mediums of entertainment are the same. It is as if I am having leftover forever and it is sickening. Take a moment to think, that is why piracy is so high because people are tired of junk. I’m sick of paying my hard earned dollars to an industry that believes I should have to pay for shi**y stuff . If I went to my employer and treated them the way the media does the reverer’s of art, I’d be out of a job. Why can’t it be the same for media?
Why is that people are complaining with no form of recourse?
I read and I hear people complain about the world around them, yet they do nothing to change or put forth change. Don’t give criticism if you don’t have something behind it to make a change. No not say something to make it better but to actually go out and put the words into action. I see that it is easier for people to speak but to do is a different story. It is disarming to hear great ideas and people are waiting for someone else to go out and do the footwork for them. Unfortunately life and change does not work that way but most people think that it does. There is no reason for a country such as America that is ran by the people for the people to be in such condition that it is in. People say it is the politics yet do you know that we elect those people into office. If we wanted to remove each person we as a nation could but that requires each person to put forth an effort to do that. Americans can’t sit and wait for someone to do it for them because if we each look around that idea is not working.
Why is that when people speak(verbal) they are lazy with the enunciation/ pronunciation of the words?
Ask. Say it . Now do you say ax. Arugh. Yea I know there are people with speech impediments, accents, ect. With those reason out of the way, what is so hard in saying a word correctly or better yet speaking in a manor that another person can completely understand with out misunderstanding? I know I am at fault,and I constantly work on that part of my words. I find it funny when someone enunciates/ pronounces a word wrong and they expect you to know what they said. Umm no, the telepathy is off today and won’t be back ever. Try speaking in a clear manor because it’s really not that hard when an effort is placed.
Well that’s my ranting for now. Thanks to all the writers out there that caused me to think it helped a lot!!
Why do people want to get married?
I don’t seem to understand what is with the deal with marriage. I should not have to show a bunch a people that I am willing to become committed through an over/under priced ceremony. Once the person and I have made a promise to each other, then we have the same values of a marriage.
Religiously, yes marriage is to show a man and a woman’s commitment to each other before God. But when did it become a relationship’s rite of passage?
I once asked a male friend why he should get married.
He responded,” To remain faithful to one woman and only be with her. Because she is the source of everything am to need, want, protect and desire this woman for the rest of my life.”
My response was: Isn’t that what you are doing when you are dating a woman for a long period of time. Why is that you have to go through a ceremony to get a piece of paper to confirm what your relationship is already biased on?”
I have noticed that more and more people in “long term” relationships feel the need to impel themselves into marriage, as if seemingly, a couple that does not get married their relationship has no validity. My thing is don’t make more out of a relationship than there already is with a force commitment that should come naturally.
Why is media so canned?
I, yes, watch AI on Tuesday night to see what the season was going to be about and snickered at the failed attempts at carbon copy stardom. The whole time I am watching I wondered: where is the creativity, the struggle, and the effort of being a true artist? It seems that the artist that deserve the recognition are pushed to the back and we the reverer’s of art succumb to digging in the pile of muck to get what we really want , human incentives. Now, I used AI as an example but the news, book, movie, dance, art, and theater basically all mediums of entertainment are the same. It is as if I am having leftover forever and it is sickening. Take a moment to think, that is why piracy is so high because people are tired of junk. I’m sick of paying my hard earned dollars to an industry that believes I should have to pay for shi**y stuff . If I went to my employer and treated them the way the media does the reverer’s of art, I’d be out of a job. Why can’t it be the same for media?
Why is that people are complaining with no form of recourse?
I read and I hear people complain about the world around them, yet they do nothing to change or put forth change. Don’t give criticism if you don’t have something behind it to make a change. No not say something to make it better but to actually go out and put the words into action. I see that it is easier for people to speak but to do is a different story. It is disarming to hear great ideas and people are waiting for someone else to go out and do the footwork for them. Unfortunately life and change does not work that way but most people think that it does. There is no reason for a country such as America that is ran by the people for the people to be in such condition that it is in. People say it is the politics yet do you know that we elect those people into office. If we wanted to remove each person we as a nation could but that requires each person to put forth an effort to do that. Americans can’t sit and wait for someone to do it for them because if we each look around that idea is not working.
Why is that when people speak(verbal) they are lazy with the enunciation/ pronunciation of the words?
Ask. Say it . Now do you say ax. Arugh. Yea I know there are people with speech impediments, accents, ect. With those reason out of the way, what is so hard in saying a word correctly or better yet speaking in a manor that another person can completely understand with out misunderstanding? I know I am at fault,and I constantly work on that part of my words. I find it funny when someone enunciates/ pronounces a word wrong and they expect you to know what they said. Umm no, the telepathy is off today and won’t be back ever. Try speaking in a clear manor because it’s really not that hard when an effort is placed.
Well that’s my ranting for now. Thanks to all the writers out there that caused me to think it helped a lot!!
Monday, January 16, 2006
I recived this via an email today
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".
Have a beautiful day!
-unknown
Someone will always be smarter.
Someone's house will be bigger.
Someone will drive a better car.
Someone's children will do better in school.
And Someone's husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go,
and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it.
The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.
And the most highly favored
Woman on your job may be unable to have children.
And the richest woman you know,
she's got the car, the house, the clothes....might be lonely.
And the word says if "I have not Love, I am nothing."
So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say
"I am too blessed to be stressed and too anointed to be disappointed!"
"Winners make things happen.
Losers let things happen."
"To the world you might be one person,
but to one person you just might be the world".
Have a beautiful day!
-unknown
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
I came back
I know it's early but I noticed that my writing needed to be freed. The next week school is starting so it's not workable (if that is a word) to do it on the 19th. Well I hope the holidays were well for everyone. Vegas was fun!! I won 300 on roulette, did the strip (my clothes stayed on, no stripping for me <--- yeah a weak joke, talk to strangers at tables and on the streets, and rode the monorail. No shopping, ack, I know. But over all I had a good time. Not going back for a while I like my money just a bit too much and gambling is expensive. Ok but more of my kvetching and soul searching through my writings. I love writing it helps me see what I can’t see in my mind yet it shows I have a lot of work to make it better. A better person or to see my world in my words to laugh cry and have an ah ha moment. I guess that is part of why I am here. Ok ok I'm rambling but one more thing I love feed back. I thank God for allowing me to be in your presence and lastly welcome!!
Take care
Take care
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Everything will be ok. I am starting to believe in that
I want to confess that:
I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.
Now:
I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.
I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.
So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control
Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.
This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.
There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.
I am guilty of not bring out the best in myself and letting me get in the way of living. Now it is time to bring out the true best of me. I can no longer control the distorted view I think I see inside but allow the inside blossom out.
Now:
I've stopped trying to understand why things happen. Now don't get me wrong I'd like my hand held and explained to me: "Nykki, dear this is why xy and zy happened." Yet realistically that is not going to happen so I have to console the idea of Everything Is Going to Be Okay. Urgh!! For years I have hated those words because it seems to me that the person who would tell me this one is promising me that things will be okay and second really didn't know what to say to make me feel better so a bland answer would work. I'm like who know everything is going to be ok and to whose standards. Cause to my standards means harmony and peace. However I can't stand being given a vague answer. Tell me the truth. I'd like that better, yeah it will hurt but at least my hopes aren't up thinking if I believe hard enough or just let the words resound in my mind that it is going to be what it is not. But as I am going through this personal journey to better myself it has been brought to my attention that I can not control everything nor can every aspect of my life be so planned out.
I screamed inside when I was confronted with that information. I never really saw my self as a control freak. Then again my definition of a control freak was someone who is very neat, anal retentive, and finally a know it all who inflicts there "perfect views” of the world on others. However, when I looked deep inside of myself it was not that I was inflicting my views on others but instead myself. I am my hardest critic. I want more for myself than others do and when I don't live to my expectation then I get very down hearted in myself.
So to combat my inner control issues, I have placed in the screen saver of my life line, ahem, my cell phone that I can not control
Why!? Because I need the constant reminder that I can not control every aspect of my life. This means that I have to handle situations as they come and not go running to them or preventing them before they happen. Releasing that vice on me is a burden free. My body is not hurting a much and I can actually let myself live. I like this new phase I am working on because it has relieved a huge part of me. Self constraint.
This along with a lot I have been doing has been unknown territory for me. I suppose my whole start of the year is unknown territory for me. I am about to be twenty five and I now deciding to throw off the security blanket of my life. It’s cold and harsh but living in the security of the wrong views and actions of my persona is not healthy for me any more.
There is a saying I have in my bedroom I created for myself about 2 years ago as a constant reminder of what I needed to do but I never really looked at it till I was cleaning up today:
"The work of your life is to discover your purpose, trust you get to it and whatever the next moment brings handle it out and get on with the business of living."
I am going to use that quote as a spring board for this phase of my life. It feels good. When I close my eyes at night my heart and mind are clear and somewhat aligned. Now there are days that I slip back into bad habits but the reinforcements I have created are really helping me. I... Like this new start for this is my life beginning for the third time and hey everything will be okay.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Makes me feel. Exhale
I am alone for once in my adult life. Since I have been 19 I have been from one fling to another. I really never had time to myself because I did not want to be by myself. I needed to have the closeness of another person. Not just for sex but to know that person was there when I needed them. I needed another person to validate me instead of self validation. I needed to be the girl that helped a man through his transition phase and then move on. These last few days I have been inundated with a lot of information about myself and I was in awe about how other people have perceived me.
This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.
- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with
Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.
While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.
Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.
I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh
This week started off with expressing to ML that after talking with him it was better that we are friends because we can offer so much more to each other than sex. He stated that it was best because I need to be alone with myself to know what it is I want and need to become. I think I was reading too much into what he was saying honestly but it is great to actually accumulate another friend.
- I never really kept friends. It was hard for me to trust another person with my insecurities and my vulnerability, then having to deal with another person personality or compromise who I am for them. It was easier to pick and choose when I needed people for their help or companionship. I know now that this view point is not what is involved with a friendship. I guess having a constant friend in a sense is good to help make life bearable or just hang out with
Sunday I met up with an old friend. We did coffee and started catching up with our lives. I was completely honest with MT and him with me. For once I felt relieve to not being so secretive with my life. In the past I gave a lot of surface info about myself but never really gave people a full look inside. We talked about our previous relationships and how the people that were in our lives were so instrumental to our current mindset. Love does strange things to the mind and body when it is ended abruptly. I want to let go but I don't know how, yet. I’m okay with the why it ended but I don't know if I'd be the same with the next man. I want to call all the time just to hear his voice. To find an excuse to come over just to sit in his presence. But only to stop myself because it has ended.
While we were talking Ml suddenly told me that I was unwilling to take responsibly of my fault for a lot that has occurred in my life. Also that I have been come very defensive with people. He stated that he was noticing I say I am to blame to make a false attempt to take blame but I don't confirm that most of what has gone on is my fault and what am I going to do to fix it. With my words he told me I am untactful with my honesty I say things with out thinking, just say the first thing that pops into my mind. That I banterer way too easily and it can be perceived as hurtful if I was amongst people who did not know me.
Errr... was my response because it was true. It thought I forgave myself for a lot I had done but in actually it was a blanket statement to make myself feel better as I call it "false hopes"(if I tell myself something enough one day I'll believe in it) I never took the time to deal with each issues instead shrugged it off as it happened and I cant do anything. This has effected how I speak to other people because I have had so much bitterness in my heart it leaked to my words. Don't get me wrong I am nice to people but it is a false term of kindness. In the manor that if I get pissed I may snap instantaneously this is very hard for people to actually cope with which is not fair to very good people that are in my life.
I feel that I need
The thought
At each moment and each second
Of every day to remind me to exhale
Ah
I know that makes a difference to exhale
To understand my words make a valiant effort or determent to another
I will work towards the goal to be happy with myself not content with myself
I can not say I am getting younger yet I’m older
Most want wisdom I want happiness in spite of
To know that I have wronged myself but know that my story may help another person
I want to be a reflection of good so that my light can shine bright to
Light another’s life
But not sacrifice myself for the better good because I know I am not alone
I may not have the validation that I want but I can give to myself in return for once
I can feel that this is the right step towards what will become
A full circle of me
This makes me feel
Makes me
Makes me
Exhale
Ahhhh
Friday, January 06, 2006
Just a little talk with Jesus II
Here I am again talking about this again and guess what I have made a decision.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.
It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.
I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.
I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.
I know I have doubted why and how I should believe in God's existence as well as I have been wondering about the religious factors behind Christianity. I have finally concluded after much reading and thought to believe in the faith of Christianity. I am not implying that I am going to be a far-right Christian or become gung-ho to have people believe what I believe in, it is just that I find peace in believing that a messiah came to help save the world of some sort of sin. I also know that there have been circumstances in my life that are not explainable as to how I was able to get out of them other than divine intervention.
It's not fair for me to dislike a faith that has been muddle by the misunderstandings of other people. I needed to figure out what was best for me to believe in and not from what I have been directed to believe in. I understand what aspect I needed to and have applied the parts that I want to have in my life. I don’t need to participate in a "church" to be considered a believer. I think being part of a religious organization caused my hindrance to accept God and how to believe in Him.
I think the religious organization is the huge issue at hand with faith. In an organization there are rules and regulations, a chain of command. Which this structure that is in a lot of churches , takes a lot of just enjoying what the benefits that believing in a non visual supreme being entails of. Like an organization there are politics between the people involved with making it work. These people cause a lot of the drift and misunderstanding to the faith.
I look at having faith in what ever faith as a life style choice. Just as we choose to work out and eat right for a healthy body, the same is for each person and faith. It gives me a reason to how things came to be and a guide to live a better life. If I allowed other people to dictate from what they know, what they want to do, and what they have found to be wrong with Christianity I would forever be a doubter.
But if I look at the faith from a fresh unbiased view then I see that like people it has it flaws but I still see the good within. There is a lot of good with in this faith and that is what is going to keep me believing.
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