I don't know what to think most days if it is worth the time to put up with life and try to conquer inspite of. Not saying I want to kill myself or anything. It is just dealing with other people in a relationship setting. For example I met an old "partner" on line a a couple of days ago and we started talking or what not. He states that he has changed and I told him I have as well,it seems as if we both agreed on that sex was not the main way to acuqire any form of a relationship because we both have been down that road. He invites me to his home on Sunday to hang out,I'm like; hey ,great ,no prob, meeting up with good people is always good. Ha! Wrong!? Anywho, I get there it was nice we talked I changed cause he had this cute dog that was so playfull.. (nothing over cute a pair of sweats and a t-shirt + I didn't want to mess up my decent clothes on dog drool and hair eww) picked a movie to watch.(I don't know what it is about a movie where I have to lay on the person and watch it.) We're talking and stuff and he starts to give me a massage because I was talking about the fact that my lower back is shot because of being in too many car accident. I told him to stop cause I did not want to give off the wrong impression. We continue to talk. { it felt nice to just be held for once even though, I knew I should not have been this close to him in the first place but , theres no but. I just wanted to feel wanted for once and not just sexually } He ask me to start to rub his leg ( I'm like what the hell???!!) I found no big issue about it so I did Then he kisses me.. It was ok nothing like would drive me crazy and think about him but ah.. . I know what happens here it kind follows a script. He became really aroused and wanted me to go further. I stated no I cant cause I am going to find a decent relationship where I don't have to sleep with man first but instead create a friendship then possibly go to a relationship. Kinda a of an old fashioned relationship because I've done my years for just sex or friends with benefits, open door relationships, I've realize that they get old fast + it is very lonely the point. I find this so funny but hey. He starts to ask me to get him off and that we wont have sex just spit on it and help me .* it still makes me shudder EWW* OMG I hate spit, I wake up hating to brush my teeth cause I have to spit, but to do it because I need clean teeth and this dipwad wants me to spit on his dick and jack him off! I oblige this idiot cause I won't here the end of it.( Yes, I know I'm stupid but O it gets worse.) Well I have to leave work now but I guess I'll finish tomorrow cause I need to get this off of my mind * shakes head*